


When I'm Small

by Pseudthisyafucks (collettephinz)



Series: A Million Miles [1]
Category: Holy Trinity (YouTube RPF), Youtube RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Assumptions, Bad Coping Skills, F/M, Felix's gang of friends have sad lives, Guilt, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Medicinal Drug Use, Nightmares, PTSD, Slow Build, and there are woodland adventures and stuff, car crashes, complicated back story, emphasis on music at points, i dunno this one's gonna be sad and cute, jack's seán and seán's jack, mentions of self harm, mentions of sexual abuse (not main characters), miscommunications, slight bullying, slight homophobia, suicide attempt of minor character, takes place in Athens GA so, tentative relationship, when will i never have that tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-31
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2018-10-13 08:35:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 258,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10510164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/collettephinz/pseuds/Pseudthisyafucks
Summary: Jack has come home after two years of denial and guilt. He knows he shouldn't want Felix back in his life, knows that he left for a reason, but he can't help himself. Felix is the blackhole at the center of Jack's universe and no amount of bad decisions in the past can keep him from making just one more.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this has been in my head for ages and i'm pretty excited and it's gonna be kinda long? it took me a while to figure out where i wanted this story to take place, and settling on GA was a pretty agonized process. but i love Athens and i was able to see a lot of the scenes for this story in that little town, so it was what i went with. please note that i've never lived in GA (i've lived in a shit ton of other places, but never GA). i've visited Athens numerous times, but there will be incorrect landmarks, streets, and local references. if you happen to see a moment where i'm wrong, please point it out so i can make the correction. i value accuracy above all else when it comes to writing. 
> 
> there should be weekly updates? if i'm able. the wc will be around 5k-7k per chapter. not too much, but enough to keep my writing from getting rusty.
> 
> please please please understand that this entire story is built off of incorrect assumptions, miscommunications, and bad decisions made in moments of fear. i wanted to emphasize how just failing to stop and think about the consequences of an action can effect others. this story will be sad at moments, but the ending will be happy. the medicinal drug use is important and wraps around the sexual abuse found in the minor character. 
> 
> also, please understand that the way i portray certain characters in this story should not reflect how i actually feel about the person in the waking world. if i make jack out to be a bit of a dick, don't assume i think he's actually a dick. michael's not a drug addict and everything's gonna be okay. also, i know what an actual LAN party is. i just couldn't think of a better word for what Mark and co. do.
> 
> i think that's all for now. i don't have a beta for this cause of time crunches on my end and i'm sorry for any typos you find :( i did my best to reread this whole thing, but i'm bad at that shit. thanks for giving this a chance!

The house hadn’t changed.

Jack almost wished it had. Looking up at his childhood home from the car window, seeing how the windows still reflected the same warm light, with the ivy growing up the shuttered, white sides—it felt too much like no time had passed when, in reality, Jack hadn’t been in this home in over two years. He’d changed way more than the house had, and he wished it showed in the home like it did in his face. In his body. His hair.

“Home, sweet home,” Jack’s mother said in her lovely southern drawl. Jack’s father just affirmed the sentiment in a hum of his own. The car pulled up into the driveway. 

Jack’s home was in the middle of a tiny spot of suburbia in Athens, Georgia. The trees surrounded his home, acting as a secondary fence between properties, and the yards were huge for all the houses. Someone had still been caring for their front lawn, that much Jack could tell. He looked down the grass, into the next lawn, and saw that it was much worse off. The house next door looked like it was falling apart. Good. Maybe that meant he’d moved away.

(Jack prayed with everything he had that he’d moved away)

“Grab your things, honey,” his mom said. “You’ve got school Monday. Aren’t you excited? Old school, old bedroom, old place. It’s nice to be home, ain’t it?”

“Somethin’ like that,” Jack mumbled. His own Irish accent was stronger after spending those two years back in Ireland, where he’d lived until he was seven and his parents had moved him out here, to Georgia, for the first time. It would be hard to explain to people where he’d lived and when. Ireland, then Georgia, then Ireland, then Georgia again. He knew he would have to avoid telling a story about that.

“Honey?”

Jack pulled his headphones from his ears to show he was giving her his full attention. His music wasn’t even on. 

She smiled patiently at him. “Gonna get your things, hun?”

Jack shouldered his backpack and climbed out of the car. He stared up at the house and suddenly felt an uncomfortable chill running up his back. This was his home. This was supposed to be his home. But he could see through the second story window that looked into his room and saw the old curtains. He felt dizzy. This wasn’t his home. He’d ran away from this place, not for the reason in front of him, but for another. It was an act of abandonment. He had no right to call this his home.

“Grab your luggage, honey!”

Jack turned his back on the house and went to help unload the car.

“Well, would you look next door,” his mother wondered aloud. “Do you think the Kjellberg’s still live there?”

Jack fumbled with his bag and abortively turned on his music. He rushed into the house, looking around the foyer, looking at the dust that had collected, the barely-visible cobwebs in the ceiling corners, the drawn shades, and the furniture that he remembered all too well. Like the wooden table that they used to eat dinner at every night, the leather sofa that Jack’s thighs would stick to in the summertime. He felt a choking sense of melancholy constrict his chest and wished he could turn back time. He wished he could change the past.

Jack climbed the stairs to his bedroom and opened his old bedroom door, but not before tearing down the signed that said “Seán’s Room” that had obviously been drawn and colored by two different people. 

His room was partially barren, a testament to how quickly his family had packed that day. Only a few posters were left on the walls, but most of the books were still on the shelves, and Jack’s sheets were still crumbled up on the unmade bed. He pushed the sheets onto the floor and decided he would wash his sheets tonight. Two years of dust wouldn’t be good for his allergies. 

“Seán!” His mother called out, her voice barely audible over the sound of Sabaton playing through Jack’s headphones. “We found the number for the pizza place! Want some dinner?”

Jack pulled out an earbud and didn’t bother correcting her. She’d been making the same mistake since they’d left. “Whatever!” he replied, wanting to be an angsty teen for a little bit longer. Being in his old room was harrowing. He chanced a glance out the window, between the blinds, and saw the Kjellberg house again. His palms started to sweat and he quickly closed his shitty curtains that still had spaceships on them. 

“I’m ordering pizza!” his mom called out.

Jack dropped his backpack onto the floor and dropped onto his mattress. A cloud of dust burst into the air around him and he sneezed. He looked up at the ceiling and saw the dent _they_ had made while jumping on Jack’s bed— Jack had jumped too high and knocked his head into the fucking ceiling. The other boy started crying with Jack. They’d both been about nine years old.

Jack turned his music up louder.

. . .

School hadn’t changed, of fucking course. He’d only spent a year in the high school building, but it had been long enough for him to know the halls well enough to avoid getting lost. Coming in as a senior with literally no friends was going to be difficult. At least he knew his way around. 

“Are you Seán?” his teacher asked as he slid into the classroom just a minute or so before the bell.

“Jack,” Jack corrected stiffly. The teacher just made a note on a sheet of paper. 

“You’re sitting there,” she said, pointing to an open seat in the sparsely populated classroom. The desks were longer tables, room enough for two to sit at, side by side. Jack sat down in the seat and looked to the boy sitting next to him. He was tanner than Jack, but that was no big feat. He had red in his otherwise dark brown hair and glasses and was typing furiously on his phone. He didn’t even look up at Jack when he saw down. Jack knew the teacher thought she was clever— sitting the boy with green hair next to the boy with the red hair. So fucking cute, all sarcasm intended. Jack sighed and pulled out the only notebook he was going to use for the entire school year. He’d missed only three weeks of the new school year in this district, so he wasn’t worried about catching up. It wasn’t like the American education system was higher than Ireland’s. 

“She sends us the notes in an email,” the boy beside him suddenly said without looking up from his phone. “You don’t need that.”

Jack put away his notebook with even more apathy than he’d had pulling it out. “Thanks,” he told the boy dully. 

“Name’s Mark.” The boy finally set down his phone and smiled brightly at Jack. “She probably put you here cause I was the new kid last year. She’s trying to be nice, I’ll bet. It’s always hard being the new kid.”

“I’m not actually new,” Jack told Mark, hedging on being open. “I lived here two years ago.”

“Oh.” Mark looked surprised. “Why’d you leave?”

“Family emergency.” That was the excuse Jack had chosen long ago. It was the same excuse his dad had given his boss when he’d been requesting the temporary transfer. 

“So you went where?”

“Ireland.”

“Oh, wow. You got your accent that fast?”

“I was born in Ireland.”

Jack felt sorry for Mark. He was giving this guy literally nothing to go with, keeping his sentences stilted and the conversation stiff. Mark seemed nice, he really did, Jack just wasn’t ready to sink back into this town like nothing had happened. 

“Wait, so…” Jack could physically watch Mark try to figure out where and when Jack had lived.

“I was born in Ireland,” he began patiently. “Moved here when I was seven. Then moved back to Ireland at fifteen. Then came back here. Yeah?”

“Jesus, that’s a lot of moving,” Mark said, grinning a little. “I moved a lot, too. I was born in Hawaii, actually. A pink hospital in Honolulu. My dad was in the military, so we went around to a lot of different places. But Ireland! That’s pretty cool. Why here?”

“My parents met in Atlanta,” Jack explained. “Met in the airport during a seminar my dad was attending. They fell in love and shit and she moved with him to Ireland. Then they wanted to move back here, something about wanting the sun. My mum’s family wanted to know me, too.” He was pretty sure his aunt was getting married the very next week. That was going to be terrible.

“Gosh, that’s cool,” Mark gushed, and Jack believed him. Class started and Mark walked him through the complicated process of submitting his email to receive the notes and PowerPoints. He showed Jack the online grading system and how they submitted assignments online. Jack felt a little overwhelmed by all the technology he was required to have access to. His house wasn’t going to have working wifi for another week. 

“You can use my computer!” Mark offered excitedly. “My friends, Tyler and Ethan, they come over for LAN parties after school. You can totally join us and do some online work. I’ll help you out so it’ll get done twice as fast, and then you can play with us.”

“A fuckin’ LAN party?” Jack snorted a laugh. “Haven’t heard of one of those since the early 2000s.”

“We like to keep the old traditions alive,” Mark said waving him off. “Come with me after school. I’ll be outside, at the flagpole.”

Jack bit his lip. “… Got a phone?”

They traded numbers. That was the second fastest friend Jack had ever made.

. . .

He was happy to be unrecognized. 

Maybe it was the green hair, maybe it was the lack of his annoying laugh, maybe it was because he didn’t have a certain blond at his side. Jack didn’t know what the reason why, but no one recognized him as that dorky kid Seán who ate bugs if you dared him and it was a good thing. It was. Jack had wanted to be forgotten. 

He wanted to be forgotten. 

Jack peaked a glance into Mr. Olinky’s biology lab. It was the science course he’d had before leaving. He looked to his old desk, the same two-person long table as all other desks. There was a boy and a girl sitting where he and _the other boy_ should have been. The new boy was tugging gently at the girl’s hair. After a second of what Jack had thought was petty teasing, the girl turned in her seat, facing away, and the boy started to braid her hair. Jack looked down at the desk and saw his initials written next to another set of letters. SM and FK. As the boy braided the girl’s hair, his elbow knocked some papers, and the initials were hidden from Jack’s sight.

Forgotten.

Just like Jack had been. Like Jack was.

It was a good thing.

He’d wanted to be forgotten.

“You going to class?”

Jack looked up and saw Mark. “Lunch, actually,” he said, tearing his gaze from the classroom he’d known years ago. “You?”

Mark’s face was alight with a grin. “Lunch! Come sit with us. You’ve got to meet Amy and Kathryn, they’ll love your accent.”

Mark grabbed Jack by the strap of his backpack and pulled him away from the door. Jack had a feeling that, as long as he stuck around this kid, he’d be pulled from the memories and the dark feelings often enough to forget them. Forgotten. 

That was a good thing.

“I love your accent,” Amy said as Jack sat down with his lunch in his Tupperware and an awkward smile on his face. “I’ve always wanted to go to Ireland. Europe, really. Have you ever been anywhere else?”

“Went to France for my cheese and Belgium for my beer,” Jack said, not meaning a word of it. 

“Mark said you lived here too.” Kathryn was smiling easily at him. Her glasses looked better on her face than Mark’s glasses looked on Mark’s face. “I don’t remember you, but I honestly didn’t get out much. Where’d you live?”

“Down the street from the Grit,” Jack replied a little more stiffly. He hadn’t realized that Mark knew people who weren’t just as new as he was. Kathryn’s eyes lit up, like she’d suddenly put two and two together, but she didn’t say anything. Jack was grateful for that. He didn’t want anyone to remember him, but already, someone was making the connection. He prayed rumors hadn’t spread back then. 

“Well, I’m sure it’s nice being back,” Amy hummed. “Save the humidity.”

“Not so bad,” Jack said. “At least the sun’s out.”

“We’re having that LAN party, right?” Ethan asked Mark as he scarfed down some tater-tots. 

“Jack’s coming,” Mark said. “He doesn’t have wifi at his house yet, so he’s gonna jack my computer for some assignments, and then it’s a go. Who’s bringing the drinks?”

“Tyler said he’s getting the drinks,” Ethan replied. “I’m getting the Doritos.”

“Doritos at a LAN party?” Amy rolled her eyes with a smirk. “Try to be a little more creative, babe.”

Mark grinned. “I’m not creative. I write the code for the games, not design the graphics.” 

“That’s my job,” Ethan cut in with an impish smile. “Mark can’t draw for shit.”

“I can draw!” Mark defended weakly. It wasn’t saying much, considering he’d denied being creative in any way. “I can fuck around in photoshop. I can do a lot of different things. I just, uh. I can’t draw.”

“Which is it?” Jack had to ask. He grabbed one of the napkins that came with the trays of food you got from the cafeteria and pushed it towards Mark with one of his crummy pens. “Draw me something.”

“Draw you what?” Mark asked.

“Dessine-moi un mouton!” Amy giggled. 

“I’ll just draw you an elephant instead,” Mark said as a compromise. As he started to scribble, Ethan looked over his shoulder with a frown.

“That just looks like a hat,” Ethan said. Obviously he wasn’t in on the joke. 

“Pretty sure it’s a snake,” Jack commented idly. Mark grinned up at him and that was when Jack realized he was officially in on the joke. Mark started to draw a box, then drew the holes in the box.

“There’s your sheep, Amy,” he told the girl. 

Ethan scrunched his nose up. “Are you guys fucking with me?”

“Remember that time I knocked you off the wall?” Amy asked Mark, seemingly ignoring Ethan. “You had that cute scarf on and everything. And Kathryn had that plane. Were we at the dunes?”

“There aren’t dunes in Georgia,” Ethan said a little helplessly. 

“Albany,” Jack told him with a snort. “The Albany sand dunes. In Georgia. And the Ohoopee dunes.”

“Jesus, you really did live here,” Amy said. 

“Why would I lie about that?”

“I wanna keep this amazing work of art,” Mark said, putting his scribble-covered napkin into his messenger bag. “For whenever someone tries to say that I can’t draw. Make them eat their words. Drew a whole sheep and elephant on this thing. Take that, Mrs. Sandreos.”

“Mrs. Sandreos gave you an A in art class,” Kathryn reminded him.

“She gave everyone an A,” Ethan snickered. 

Jack saw a flash of blond hair in his peripherals and tensed, steeling himself for the moment. He turned but saw it wasn’t him. It was some girl with a really short skirt and stunning golden hair. It wasn’t him. He wanted to ask. Needed to ask.

“Do you guys know a Felix?” he asked. The question slipped from his lips before he could think any better. He shouldn’t have asked because he knew that either answer he could be given would send his heart into palpitations and his mind stumbling with anxiety. He was anxious right fucking now. He didn’t want to know about Felix. He hadn’t even said his name aloud in at least a year.

“Felix Kjellberg?” Mark asked with a frown. “Who doesn’t?”

God dammit. “Oh.”

“He’s such a loudmouth,” Ethan said, scrunching his nose up again, though this time, in obvious disdain. “And he’s always hanging around that druggie, Michael. Bunch of stoners. Which, you know, don’t judge, but, uh. Totally judging. Dudes always smell like weed. Smoke behind the stairs half the time.”

“Really gross,” Kathryn said.

“Sometimes they just ditch class,” Amy said. “I’m still surprised Felix is in all the AP stuff. He doesn’t seem like the type to get high enough grades. And he definitely doesn’t have the work ethic. He’d rather make jokes about dildos than write a paper.”

Jack stifled down his defense of Felix just in time. Honestly, he’d rather make jokes than write a paper too. The drug part, though. That was a side of Felix he had never expected to exist. A lingering feeling of disappointment settled in his gut. How could Felix stoop so low? How could he—

Jack had no right to judge. Jack wasn’t going to judge. He’d left. He’d ran away. Whatever he’d done to Felix by leaving made whatever Felix had become Jack’s fault. This was going to be his fault. 

“Do you know him?” Mark asked. 

“I did,” Jack said. “Not anymore. Hopefully he’s forgotten all about me, right? Wouldn’t want to get mixed up in the drugs.” He forced a laugh. No one at the table knew him well enough to say it was fake. “I’ll avoid him.” He was saying that mostly for himself. 

“Smart choice,” Kathryn said. “You’re in the upper level classes too, right? You’re in my AP Chem class. You shouldn’t be around him. It won’t help your grades, and he tends to get reprimanded a lot. I’m sure he’s a different person than you once knew him to be.” She was watching him like she knew his real name. She probably did, at this point. Jack looked away, looking for blond in the crowded cafeteria. No one stood out. None of them were Felix.

Jack swallowed hard and ducked his head. He tried to convince himself that it was a good thing. 

“Hey,” Mark said, nudging Jack with his elbow. “Ever played Overwatch?”

. . .

“I’ll give you a ride,” Mark said as they walked from the school after the final bell. 

“You have a car?” Jack asked, a little surprised. Then again, this was America. “I can’t even drive, actually.”

“I’ll have to teach you sometime,” Mark said offhandedly. He led Jack through the crowd with ease, obviously adept at getting the fuck out of places. Jack was still focused on not looking at any of the faces in the crowd. He didn’t want to see anyone he knew. Mark must’ve noticed. “You know, you could always blind fold yourself. Probably more efficient.”

Jack didn’t know why, but the comment made him laugh. Mark seemed a little astonished to hear the sound, but laughed with him all the same. “Gimme something and I just fuckin’ might,” Jack admitted. He was tired of being scared of seeing a flash of blond that was a little too familiar. Mark made a show of patting himself down, eventually pulling out a beanie. He offered it to Jack, but Jack just laughed more and shook his head. “I’m good.”

“Amy gave this to me,” Mark said, pulling the beanie on over his own head. “For my birthday last year.” He grinned. “Car’s over there. I’m gonna pick up some Jimmy John’s on the way home. What do you like?”

Jack slid into the passenger seat and resolutely faced away from the crowd of kids all clambering to get home. “Fuckin’ love me some avocados.”

Mark chuckled as he got in the car and turned it on, switching it into gear. “Number 12 it is. Try not to eat it all before we get back. You’ve still got some homework to do. And you’ve got to meet Tyler.”

As Mark pulled the car out of the parking lot, Jack saw a flash of blond and pink.

His heart raced as recognition flared in his mind. But he stomped down the feeling and told himself that it wasn’t Felix— just another girl. It couldn't be Felix. It wasn’t Felix. They were out of the campus parking lot before Jack could turn to make sure that it wasn’t, wasn’t, wasn’t him.

. . .

Jack didn’t end up doing his homework. He watched Tyler, Ethan, and Mark play Overwatch Ranked. They were so serious as they played, handing out orders to one another, debating which character to play, and screaming expletives at the other teammates. Jack had never played with friends before, only random, faceless voices online. He loved video games. He just didn’t have anyone to play with. Felix…

Jack didn’t let himself think about it. Instead, he looked over Mark’s shoulder and watched them escort the payload with practiced skill. Mark had a Diamond level. Pretty fucking impressive, especially since Jack was only Gold and had logged over two hundred hours on Overwatch. Then again, those were weak numbers compared to others. 

“Dorito me,” Mark said, opening his mouth. Jack snorted a laugh and shoved a handful of Doritos past Mark’s lips. It was a sort of thing he’d been having Jack do. It was mildly entertaining— Jack was adding more chips each time, wanting to see how much would be too much before Mark would end up choking on something. 

“Dew me!” Tyler called out. Jack grabbed a can of Mt. Dew and threw it at Tyler’s chair. That was the furthest he would go. Tyler caught it anyways. Jack had just met these guys, but they’d already bonded pretty well over the shared addiction. 

“So you guys do this a lot?” Jack asked. “Like, once a week? Or what?”

“Whenever we can,” Ethan said, eyes trained on his screen. “Could you had me my sandwich? Please?”

Jack liked Ethan’s politeness. He eagerly handed over the sandwich.

The match ended and all three sat back from their screens with synchronized sighs of relief. Tyler looked to Jack. “So you know Felix?”

Jack tensed. “Knew.”

Tyler nodded and sipped his Mt. Dew. “He’s a weird guy.”

Jack didn’t say anything.

“I think I remember you,” Tyler continued. “You live down by the Grit, right? By the university hubbub.”

“No, I don’t,” Jack instantly lied. Mark and Ethan both frowned at each other. They’d been there for the truth. They knew Jack was lying through his teeth. “I actually live by the Varsity. Nowhere near the Grit.”

“Why does everyone relate their neighborhood to the nearest restaurant?” Ethan asked with a nervous chuckle, like he wanted to make Jack stop lying without calling him out. Just cut the lie short by a change of topic. “I mean, I live by the McDonald’s, and that’s what I tell people, but… Like, we’re really unoriginal.”

“Food’s important,” Mark said, taking Ethan’s bait and running with it. “I love me a good Big Mac.”

“How the fuck do you eat like that and keep arms like yours?” Ethan demanded. Jack was a little impressed with how well they were moving with this conversation. Further and further from the original topic with every sentence. “You have abs of steal and the diet of an obese woman who lives with ten cats! It’s not fair, Mark. I can’t even gain weight if I shoveled lard down my throat.”

“Fucking disgusting,” Tyler snorted. “At least add a little salt.”

“We could switch to League,” Mark suggested. “Plenty of salt there.”

“Wouldn’t need salt on anything for the rest of my life,” Ethan agreed.

“You guys are fucking lame,” Tyler said. “Why don’t we have beer again?” Jack could use a beer.

“Because I’ll die,” Mark said.

“Because Mark will die,” Ethan repeated.

“Were you the guy who got caught making out with another guy by the counselor?” Tyler asked Jack suddenly. Everyone else in the room froze. “She started, like, screaming that you were going to hell. That was you, right?”

Jack stared at him with wide eyes, caught in the headlights, waiting for his guts to be splattered across the road. 

“Tyler,” Mark began cautiously, but Jack interrupted him.

“That was me.”

He remembered the day so vividly that it still gave him cold sweats of panic in the middle of the night. The shrill scream of the older woman, telling him he was disgusting, that he was as good as dead, that no god would ever love him. Jack didn’t even believe in a god, but the words had stuck in his mind like nails in his skull. He remembered the fear and the shame and the white hot realization that he was disgusting, _they_ were disgusting. And so he had ran away and never looked back. Until now.

“Jack, it’s…” Ethan trailed off, like he didn’t know what to say. Tyler was watching him closely.

“You left after that,” Tyler said. “Seán, right? No one ever saw you again.” Tyler paused. “You know she got fired, right?”

Jack hadn’t known that.

“We may be in the south, but we’re not backwoods, bible-thumping freaks,” Tyler said. “I don’t know you that well. Never knew you before you left, either. But dude, I really, _really_ don’t give a shit if you’re gay. Okay? And no one else really well. Like, it doesn’t fucking matter. It’s just a thing. That’s it. She got fired for a reason.”

Jack took in a shaky breath, then let it out in a gust of relief. “Yeah,” he agreed. “Just a thing.”

“So you are gay?” Mark asked, looking almost excited. Maybe he’d never met someone who was gay before, or maybe he was just delighted to know more about Jack. “Do you have a boyfriend?”

“I did back in Ireland,” Jack said, steadfastly ignoring the flash of blond in his memories. “His name’s Robin.”

“That’s cute!” Ethan gasped. “Robin, from Ireland. Robin and Jack. Do you guys still keep in touch? Is this a long distance thing? Those are always so sad.”

Jack shook his head. “We broke up when I left.” And honestly, he’d felt freed. Lightened. Robin was just a reminder of what he couldn’t have, at his own fault. Robin had been a good boyfriend and an amazing friend, but he’d only acted as a buffer between Jack and the things he didn’t want to remember. 

“I’m sorry for that,” Mark said. “At least you don’t have to see him everyday.”

True. Jack just had to see someone else. Someone worse. “Did Felix ever move or something?” He wanted to know if the house beside his own was something to avoid.

“Fuck if we know,” Tyler huffed. “The guy is always with the druggie and the hobo.”

Jack really didn’t like hearing about how far Felix had fallen.

“You know they got in a huge car accident last year,” Ethan chimed in. “I heard it was an alcohol thing. That someone was drunk or something. Didn’t they nearly kill someone?” Jack’s hands started to sweat. He couldn’t reconcile the boy he’d known with this walking disaster he was discovering. “They’re lucky they didn’t get arrested for drunk driving and shit. Those dudes are gonna end up dead in a ditch.”

“Or at least drop out,” Tyler said. “Surprised they made it this far. Didn’t the hobo guy actually drop out?”

“Guys, a new match is starting,” Jack said. His voice was obviously strangled with emotion, but no one commented. They just bent back towards their screens and slipped back into focus. Like flicking a switch.

Jack sat as far from them as he could and shut his eyes as he breathed slowly. Everything he’d been told was just more reasons why he was better off forgetting Felix, as he’d been trying to do for the past two years. He was better off becoming someone else. He had new friends. He was barely recognized. This was his second chance and he needed to take it.

. . .

“Dude, dude!” 

Jack looked up as he climbed the steps into the school the next morning and let himself smile when Ethan came running towards him, flailing his arms in the air for Jack’s attention. “I got the new fucking Switch!” Ethan exclaimed. “It came in the mail for me last night. Look at this!”

“Isn’t that, like, last year’s news?” Jack asked, stopping his ascent regardless so Ethan could catch up. He started showing Jack the handheld console, vibrating with excitement. 

“Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t,” Ethan said offhandedly. “It needs wifi, too, but I know the school’s password. Dude, last year? They tried to give all the seniors laptops to see how it would go, right? And they blocked all these sights, but the fucking seniors made their own fucking web browser and homepage so they could browse the internet and everything and play games and shit in the middle of class using the school’s network. And when the school figured it out and stopped them, the same guys just made another one. No one gives high schoolers enough credit when porn’s involved.”

Jack snorted a laugh and saw a flash of blond. He immediately turned in the opposite direction and went into the school. Ethan followed like a puppy, facing downwards as he played his game and attempted to navigate the halls simultaneously. 

“Is that the Switch?” Tyler asked in an over-exaggerated, sarcastic voice. Ethan tore himself from whichever game he was playing long enough to flip Tyler off before going back to it. Kathryn snickered.

“We could trip him and he wouldn’t even know which of us to blame,” she pointed out. Amy came up to the group and slid her hand into Mark’s. They all stood by a set of lockers, waiting in mostly silence for the bell to ring. Jack was tired. Everyone else looked a little tired too. Mark had given him a ride home after the LAN party yesterday, and then immediately invite him back over for the next day. Actually get that homework done.

Jack looked around the small group of friends with his arms crossed over his chest and wondered why he had been accepted into the small circle so easily. Tyler and Kathryn, at least, had been in Athens when Jack had first lived here, yet he didn’t recognize them. Then again, his whole world had been a flurry of blue eyes and blond hair and running into the woods. The video games had mostly taken over while in the dreary hills of Ireland. But back when Jack had lived here, he’d been alive. He’d been adventurous and curious and awake. Nowadays, he was only tired and felt like new things were just to be avoided. 

These kids seemed more like who Jack had become. LAN parties and staying indoors. Jack preferred the stability that came with complacency. He didn’t yearn for the childlike explorations of the world around him. He absolutely didn’t miss it at all. 

“Hey,” Tyler called out, watching Jack. He had the most intense stare ever. It set Jack on edge. “You okay?”

“Lost in me thoughts,” Jack said, shifting his weight to the other foot. All eyes were on him now. He wondered if the girls knew about the whole gay thing now too. If his secret had been kept under wraps or if the girls now knew Jack’s shame. “Think I can pass these classes without the internet?” He was struggling for something, anything, to serve as a distraction. 

“Who was the guy you got caught with?” Tyler asked. And okay, apparently Tyler was the most fucking blunt person alive. No bullshit. No segway. Just barrel into the heavy shit with eyes wide open. Mark made a face of indignation and shoved Tyler by the shoulder, obviously displeased with his lack of tact. “I’m just curious,” Tyler griped. “That whole fiasco was the talk of the town for the rest of the seasonal year. No one knows what really happened. Just a shit ton of rumors.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Jack said stiffly. “I did get verbally torn to pieces by a self righteous bitch, remember? The religious guilt lasted be quite a few therapy sessions.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being gay,” Kathryn huffed.

“Pretty sure I read online somewhere that the King David guy and his best friend Johnathan were fucking,” Amy added. She pulled out her phone like she was looking for the source. 

“That woman was a psycho, anyways,” Kathryn said, her attention on Jack, her voice soothing. “When I was getting placed for my first semester of classes, she tried to talk me out of taking upper level stuff, saying that I wouldn’t do well because I’m a girl. And she also tried to make Mark go into lacrosse because “God gave him the muscles of a star and it would be an act of sin if he wasted it all.” She was batshit insane.”

“She said that to you?” Amy asked Mark, eyes wide with laughter. Mark just shrugged, focused on Jack. Probably waiting for the mental breakdown. 

“Was it Felix?” Mark asked all too gently.

“I said I don’t want to talk about it,” Jack snapped, shoulders hunched defensively. “I just, it wasn’t a good time. I don’t like thinking about it. Don’t like acknowledging it. I left for Ireland for a reason. Can we just… not?”

Mark waved a hand in the air. “My bad. Probably shouldn’t have pushed anyways.”

“What’re we doing tonight?” Jack asked.

“No idea,” Mark said with a laugh. “Let’s just get through school first. I’ll think of something for us to do.”

Jack wanted to ask for more when a boy walked past them. He was skinny and wearing a dark jacket, with a baseball cap on his head. There were heavy bags under his eyes and his irises were ringed with red blood veins. His cheeks were sallow and he looked sick, like a poster child for cancer patients. Jack reared back in shock— everything smelled like weed coming off of the guy. He was amazed the guy hadn’t been denied access to the school smelling like this.

Ethan scrunched his nose up in disdain. “That’s Michael,” he told Jack in a low voice.

“Michael?” Jack repeated.

“Felix’s friend. The drug addict.”

Jack watched Michael tense as he walked past them. He knew that Michael had overheard them. He wondered how many other unfair things this poor kid heard whispered about him in the halls. But Jack didn’t like drugs. And he didn’t really respect people who just threw their lives away for some temporary high. So he wasn’t going to defend a stranger, even if it did seem to edge on the wrong side of subtle bullying. 

“He looks pretty messed up,” Jack said. “Like, beyond the drugs.” There was a glassiness to his eyes that seemed more like exhaustion, bone deep and vein-filling. “Is he okay?”

“Hell if we know,” Tyler said. “He’s Felix’s friend.”

“Does anyone else know him?”

“They stick to themselves,” Amy told Jack. “Just the three of them.”

“Wait, so, are we actually allowed to talk about Felix?” Ethan asked, looking a little hesitant. “I thought he was a no-fly zone sorta thing, am I, like, getting a bad read on this?”

The bell rang and Jack left the small group, following Michael down the hall and telling himself he was just taking the scenic route to his class. He knew what he really wanted to happen. He knew that he shouldn’t. Jack wasn’t relieved when Michael ducked into a bathroom instead of leading Jack to Felix. As Michael ducked past the door, his eyes met Jack’s for a split second. There was no recognition, just learned wariness on Michael’s part. Like he was scared of Jack. Then Michael saw something over Jack’s shoulder before disappearing into the bathroom.

Jack let out a heavy sigh and turned to backtrack and head to class. He froze in his tracks as his eyes saw a familiar, chilling blue. 

Felix was now taller than Jack by at least two inches and he’d filled out like some sort of inhuman model, with long lashes, soft lips, and fucking fantastic cheekbones. He was pale with bleached hair, the sides shaved like those football players back in Europe, and he looked gentle, almost angelic, like a prince in of fucking fairytale. He was wearing a dumb black sweater that had three vibrant colors across the chest with black skinny jeans and these crummy chucks that were scuffed at the toes. He wasn’t looking at Jack. In fact, Felix walked right past him. Walked right into the bathroom after Michael. He didn’t act like he’d noticed Jack. Maybe he hadn’t seen him at all. 

Jack’s heart was racing and his body felt heated. He was pretty sure his hands was shaking. Jack was relieved Felix hadn’t seen him, but the bottom of his chest was tinged with disappointment that he didn’t understand. What had he wanted to happen? What would he have expected Felix to do? Rush towards him, envelop him in a hug, and act like nothing had changed? Scream in his face and accuse him of abandoning what they had? Hit him? Start a fight? Jack hadn’t thought this through. Hadn’t ever thought about this before. He was just a stupid kid. 

His heart was still racing. Jack slumped against the nearest wall and stared down at his feet. He wrung his fingers together and tried not to freak himself out. All he could see was the way Felix had looked with the artificial lighting above making his face glow like some sort of god. Jack covered his face with his shaking hands to hide the growing blush.

Felix… Felix was gorgeous. Felix had turned into something that Jack never could have predicted. When listening to Mark and the others describe Felix, he’d pictured a hunched over, scrawny, awkward Swede who hadn’t grown into his limbs yet. But this… Felix was fucking beautiful beyond words. Fae-like. Jack had never, ever thought Felix would grow into the person he was right now. Beautiful, world-stopping, and a drug addict. A car crash on the side of the road. Glinting in the sun like gems, with metal twisted around corpses. Everyone slowed down to see the carnage.

Jack heard the minute bell go off, but found that he couldn’t move. There was the swing of a door falling shut, then there were feet standing in front of his own. Those same shitty chucks.

“Hey, man, you okay?”

It was the voice of the boy, deep and familiar. He’d really grown up. Grown way more than Jack.

“Bro?”

Jack looked up, blue eyes meeting more blue, and at first, there was nothing. Felix was looking at him with tentative concern. He’d always been a kind hearted person so long as no one was looking. Felix had been the kind of guy to run into the middle of the road to pick up a bird with a hurt wing. Jack just met those blue eyes with his own and stared into them, losing himself. It allowed him to pinpoint the exact moment where Felix realized who he was.

“Seán?” Felix asked, his voice shaking. God, he sounded good. He sounded mature, and his English accent was much better than it used to be. “Are you…”

Jack couldn’t do this, though. He’d imagined those moment literally seconds ago, yet now that it was here, he had nothing. His mind was a flurry of white noise and panic. Jack pushed off the wall, and pushed himself into Felix. The touch of their chests jarred Felix like a gun had been fired into the air, and he jolted away from Jack. Still. The touch had been electric. It stole Jack’s breath away. 

Jack turned away and moved from Felix as quickly as he could without actually running. He was relieved, and disappointed, when Felix didn’t follow. Funny. He was feeling that a lot now.


	2. Chapter 2

Jack dropped into his seat beside Mark and tapped his foot furiously under the desk. He was two minutes late to class, but the teacher was three minutes late, so he was in the clear. Mark watched him, concern written clearly across his face. “Are you, uh… You okay?”

Jack nodded and dug his fingertips into his thighs to make them stop shaking. He couldn’t get the way Felix had looked at him out of his mind’s eye. He was supposed to be over this, right? Because two years was more than enough time to stop being a fucking idiot. Even actual romantic breakups only allowed about a year or so before outsiders started feeling a bit annoyed, and expectations increased. Jack was supposed to be better by now. Felix’s eyes weren’t supposed to send him spiraling into heart palpitations. 

“You really don’t seem okay,” Mark commented.

“Ever ditched class?” Jack suddenly asked. He hadn’t. He’d never missed a class before. His parents would kill him once they found out, and Jack wasn’t the stealthiest person ever, so there was no way he’d be able to get off campus anyways. He’d fall on his ass while trying to jump a fence. Oddly enough, Felix had always been the more capable of them both. 

“I, I mean.” Mark looked around. The teacher was now five minutes late, and counting. “We, like, shouldn’t. Did something happen? You’re freaking out and your making the entire desk move with your leg.”

“I saw Felix,” Jack said.

“Oh.” Mark paused. “He was the guy you were kissing, wasn’t he? Were you boyfriends?”

“Hell no,” Jack bit out. 

“Are you sure? Because, I’m almost positive that Felix and Michael are a thing, so if you’re just worried about outing a guy who isn’t technically out yet, you don’t have to worry—“

“Felix and I didn’t fucking date,” Jack bit out. When Mark’s expression contorted, Jack instantly softened his own. “I’m sorry, but… Like I said, I don’t like talking about it. And I know that sounds like total shit, considering I almost always bring it up myself, but I just really… I don’t like thinking about it. And talking about it.”

Mark nodded. “… The teacher’s still not here. Still wanna ditch?”

“Wait, really?” He was pretty sure Mark had been looking down on Felix for ditching just the other day. Or maybe that was this morning? Jack was surprised he would be okay with this sort of thing. 

“Kathryn and the others have always taken school a little too seriously.” Mark stood and slung his bag over his shoulder. “Plus, I just so happen to know the janitorial code that'll get us out of here through the pool. We just have to get there before second period, cause that’s when swim classes start.”

Jack snatched his bag and was out of his seat before Mark was up. They slipped out of the classroom and went through campus to the giant gymnasium that had the large swimming pool. The room glowed blue with the lights under the water. Jack knew that if Felix were with him, they’d both already be in the pool, swimming laps in their underwear. 

What?

Jack hadn’t thought about hypotheticals with Felix in ages. He hadn’t let himself. He used to look out at the green hills of Ireland and imagine what adventures Felix would drag him to if he’d been there, but the pondering had hurt to much, and Jack had put an end to it. So why was he thinking about these things again?

“Jack, c’mon!” Mark called out from the exit door. “The swim coach will be around soon.”

Jack stared into the brightly lit blue water a little longer. If he focused, he could picture Felix splashing around and trying to dunk imaginary-Jack under the water. There was laughter in Jack’s ears. They looked much younger than they were now. Jack forced his feet to move and followed Mark out of the exit door and into the brightly lit freedom that was beyond school. 

“I want naked dogs,” Mark said as he drove, windows down, cool air rushing through the car. “Varsity?” Jack hadn’t been there in years. The humidity couldn’t touch his skin with the way the air was blowing his hair. He shut his eyes and let his head fall back against the seat headrest. The sun was warm on his face. He’d missed this. He felt a little like a dog with his head nearly out the window, but he was making himself relax. He was going to work past his dumb feelings and have an awesome time with Mark, his new friend, who wasn’t full of Jack’s memories and regrets. Mark was basically the opposite of Jack. Mark was short and bulky, Felix was tall and lanky. Mark was tan and his hair was dark and Felix was a bleached blond fairy-man. Mark was smart. Mark made good decisions. Mark was safe.   
Felix was dating a drug addict and skipping class.

Not that Jack could preach, though, especially not now. Not when Jack was literally in the process of ditching school, and with Mark no less. So maybe Mark wasn’t this full proof light of safety. But at least he wasn’t Felix.

“Do you like naked dogs?” Mark asked. Jack turned his head to look to him and saw Mark was snickering to himself. “Would you prefer I call them naked wieners? You love those naked wieners, right?”

“You’ve known I’m gay for, like, a day, and it’s taken you this long to say a dick joke.”

“I prefer to wait for the right moment. Comedic timing, you know. I’ve always wanted to be a comedian. I’m taking improv classes!”

Jack cracked a smile. “Good on you. How is it?”

Mark laughed. “I’m definitely the worst in my class.” He pulled into one of the windy parking spots. Jack hadn’t been to the Varsity since he’d left the states. He remembered loving the milkshakes. They were like giant Wendy’s frosties with just a little smaller amount of sugar. And the french fries were pretty decent. “I’m buying,” Mark told him. “And, uh. I mean. I’d like to ask some questions.”

Jack groaned and shut his eyes again. 

“C’mon, Jack, I just gave up my perfect academic record for this, haven’t I earned the right to ask a few questions? Like, I get that it’s private and stuff, and I’m not looking to learn everything. You can even just give me a bunch of grunts that I’ll translate later. Just throw me a bone, dude. Even if it’s a chicken bone.”

“You’re buying me two different fucking milkshakes for this,” Jack told him before climbing out of the car. “And enough french fries for both!”

Mark bought him the milkshakes. Chocolate and vanilla. Jack honestly hadn’t expected him to do so, but by Mark fulfilling his end of the deal, Jack was now required to do the same. They sat at the table underneath the hockey game rerun that was playing and Jack tried not to get too freaked out. 

“I’ve only ever told my therapist about this shit,” he mumbled, dipping his french fries into the chocolate milk shake. “Not even my parents know this stuff. Only a listened professional who gets paid to literally never tell anyone the shit I tell her.”

Mark paused. “I saw a therapist for a while after my father died.”

Jack looked up from his food and and swallowed hard. “I… I’m sorry.” He didn’t know what else to say. He hadn’t meant to dredge up anything that fucking awful. Now Jack felt bad for feeling like shit. 

“It’s okay,” Mark told him. “I’m better now. Figured you’d feel a little better knowing some unspoken things of my own. A little quid pro quo.”

“God, but what I’ve got is nothing like that,” Jack sighed.

“Oh my god, let’s not compare tragic backstories like we’re showing off our dicks.” Mark was pretty focused on eating his hot dogs as he rolled his eyes at Jack’s audible fumbling. “I didn’t tell you that so you’d feel like your own problems don’t mean something. I told you that so you’d know that I see you as a friend. And as your friend, I want you to know that I care about you. I care about what happens to you, and what has happened to you. And even though we met, like, two days ago or whatever, you’re a cool dude. And I make friends quickly. Also, I don’t ditch school for just anyone, so…”

Jack smiled a bit and waved a french fry in Mark’s direction. “Careful, Mark. You might just find yourself at the subject of my homosexual wiles with a friendly attitude like that.”

“Sorry, my dear boy, but I am spoken for,” Mark said, playing along with an impish grin. “And besides, I’m pretty sure you still have some sort of lingering hots for Felix.”

Jack grimaced. “That obvious?”

“Pretty sure people don’t constantly bring up people that they’re trying to forget.” Mark kicked him gently under the table. “Dude, like Tyler said, we don’t give a shit. But you definitely do. Way more than I think you should. Did that counselor, like, mess you up? Somehow?”

“She fucking screamed at me and and the guy, that’s for sure,” Jack sighed. “I don’t know what you’ve heard about it.”

“Honestly, not much. Just a few rumors about homophobic slurs and stuff.”

“Close enough,” Jack mumbled. He ate a few fries, giving himself time to pause. He didn’t really need to think about the day to remember what had happened, he just needed time to get his emotions under control. “She just… Me and, and the guy. We’re under the stairs. This is the first time we’d ever kissed. First time I’d ever kissed a boy. And we were scared and feelings were high, and I was shaking, and he was shaking, but it…” Jack found himself blushing a little.

“It, it felt good. Felt better than the few times I’d kisses girls. And I knew he’d liked it too, we’d been talking about it for a bit. And we, we were so very scared, but it’d somehow felt like everything was going to be okay in that moment. Cause we were in it together. But then…”

“Then she showed up,” Mark suppled helpfully after Jack trailed off for a few moments too long. 

“It was awful,” Jack sighed. All of his fries were gone. Mark unsubtly pushed the rest of his own fries across the table for Jack. “She just, she came around the stairs and started screaming,” Jack relayed. “She grabbed the other boy by the arm. She slapped him across the face.”

“What?” Mark’s eyes went wide. “She hit him?”

Jack nodded. “Don’t really know if that one ever got to the principle. Or anyone. But she slapped him. Called us faggots, sinners, monsters, the usual shit you’d tell a fifteen year old, of course. Started screaming that she would tell our parents, tell the pastor, have us sent somewhere where they could fix us. That if she had the means, she’d do it herself. That…” Jack swallowed hard. “That me and, and the other boy. That we were a mistake made by the devil himself. And that, if she could, she would rid the world of people like him and me.”

“That sounds awful,” Mark murmured, brow furrowed upwards in sympathy and pain. “To think that people can say those things about others… We’re all fucking human, you know? We’re all human and we all deserve respect. Saying those things…”

“It was hard,” Jack said. “It was terrifying. And nothing really fixed it. Nothing made it feel better. Nothing changed the fact that she’d said those things. I couldn’t get her words out of my head. I was terrified. I went home and begged my parents to let us leave. And by the next morning, we were packing the car and heading for the airport. To leave. To go back to Ireland.”

“You guys just picked up and left?”

Jack nodded and finished off his first milkshake. “It was a stupid thing to do, but I was a kid. I’d thought that she was going to tell the whole town. I’d thought they were actually going to send us away and I-I’d thought they were going to hit me like she’d hit him. Fuck. I’d seen the movies. I’d thought someone was gonna try ta’ kill me. So I cried and begged and we left. We… I left him.”

Mark winced. “Did you stay in contact with the boy?”

Jack shook his head. “No. Never spoke to him again.” Until today. This morning. In the hallway after following a boy that smelled like weed. “I know I was wrong to do it. He had to face this whole town and that whole horrible mess completely on his own, even after I’d promised that it would be the both of us for our entire lives. I completely abandoned him. Couldn’t even face my fears.”

“You were scared,” Mark said. “There’s nothing wrong with looking out for yourself. It’s what you had to do.”

“Except it fucking wasn’t,” Jack huffed. “He didn’t run. He stayed. I don’t really know what happened to him, but I know he’s fucking alive, so that’s more than I can say. I was a coward and I left him behind, left him at the hands of that fucking insane woman and his parents.”

“It, it couldn’t have been that bad,” Mark said, arguably trying to placate Jack and his guilt. “I haven’t heard anything about anything like that. And I’ve been around for a year, so I’m sure that things weren’t so bad, in the end. Have you seen him around? Is that how you know he’s alive? Maybe, if you told me who he is—”

“I won’t, Mark,” Jack said sharply, cutting him off. “I’m sorry. But I don’t know where he is in life. I don’t know if he’s out. I don’t know if he hates me. All I know is that I’m not about to spill his secrets. If you don’t know who he is, if you don’t know the real names in those rumors, then he wants to keep it that way. I know him. I know that if he wanted things to be known, he’d shout it from the rooftops. He’s done it before.”

“Sounds like you guys were really close.” Mark smiled sadly. “I know you guys were younger, but… Were you in love?”

Jack grimaced and didn’t answer, staring at the table instead. 

“It’s, like… It’s fine if you were. Or are. Could even be a present tense thing.” Mark shrugged. “I won’t judge. Human emotion is complicated and I’ll never lead you to believe that I understand a god damn thing about any of it. So, if you’re still in love with the guy, whoever it is, I won’t judge. I fell in love with Amy after, like, a month of dating. I’m gonna be worse than whatever story you have. I’m like a Disney princess.”

Jack chortled and shook his head. “That’s pretty bad,” he had to admit. It had taken him years to fall for the other boy. Literally years, months and months of spending nearly his entire day with the same person to realize he was in love. And Mark took a month. It was almost endearing, though. Mark did seem like the type of person to fall for someone, hard and fast. It was sweet. “You and Amy. She’s a lucky girl.”

Mark grinned shyly and shrugged. “Pretty sure I’m the lucky one. And really, as long as she’s happy and not at all creeped out by my crazy obsession with her, it’s not a problem. She says it’s cute and reassuring that she’ll never have to worry about me cheating on her because I’m basically too crazy for her to even consider someone else.”

“How encouraging,” Jack snickered. “Is this a Stockholm Syndrome thing? Should I be concerned?”

“It’s so sweet that you’re looking out for me, Jacky-boy,” Mark cooed, pursing his lips like he was kissing the air. Jack kicked him from under the table and felt a sudden urge to correct Mark.

“Uh, just so you know,” Jack said, starting out carefully. “Jack… Jack’s a nickname. My real name’s Seán. I just kinda changed it to Jack after moving away because I didn’t want people to associate me with the thing that happened back here. So, like, keep calling me Jack. It’s what I answer to. But, but I’m Seán by birth.”

Mark squinted. “You seem way more like a Jack to me, anyways,” he said after a moment. Jack laughed and kicked him again. “No, really! I always thought it was dumb that parents chose names at birth, anyways. Like, you don’t grow into a name. It’s something you’re stuck with forever, even if it doesn’t seem like it’s actually you. But a name should be able to fit the person you become, right? Make things less confusing.”

“Pretty sure that would make things entirely more confusing,” Jack chuckled. “One day, ye’ wake up and tell everyone to call ye’ Benedict. The next morning, you’re Roger. How hard would that be? No continuity, no self-defining title. There’d be total identity issues, mark me words.”

“But what if I wanna be Rodriguez?” Mark asked, pouting, playing up the joke. “Or a Marco? Maybe Pierre. Alfonso Godino. Francesco Alfonso Godino.”

“That seems like a legitimate name.” Jack arched a brow. “Friend of yours?”

“Pretty sure he isn’t, but I just realized how unfortunate that initials are.” Mark hesitated. “So, like, what is… What am I allowed to say? Jokes and stuff? Do the words offend you? Do you hate gay jokes and all that? Did I really upset you with the last one?”

“God, I don’t even care,” Jack groaned. “I fucking don’t, really. Ye’ can call me fag if ye’d like, just cigarettes, I really wouldn’t care. It’s the way she said it. She said it like the word is something hateful. And maybe it is, to some people, but I never see words as anything but relative to the person saying them.”

“I’m still not gonna say them,” Mark said. “I just wanna make sure that Ethan’s badly-timed jokes don’t set off some terrible fight.”

“Always thinking ahead,” Jack sighed. He’d finished off both his milkshakes by now, and miraculously without a single case of brain-freeze. “Look, I, uh, I don’t want this to change stuff. You and I have just met, I get that. I don’t want you thinking I’m so traumatic thing that’s in denial. Don’t, like, encourage me to find the boy again. It’s over.”

“That’s too bad,” Mark told him. When Jack looked confused, he explained. “What you had with him, however temporary, seemed pretty worthwhile. He seemed good for you.”

“We got screamed at by a psycho woman…”

“He meant so much to you that you became brave enough to go against all of the societal laws you understood and kiss him,” Mark replied. “Having a person who can incite that kind of courage in you is someone to hold onto.”

Jack grimaced. He didn’t want to talk about that. “Are we still doing that thing tonight at your place or are ye’ tired of me yet?”

“So tired of you,” Mark snorted, rolling his eyes. “C’mon. We can get back to my place early, cause my mom will be at work. My plan for tonight really is going to have to wait for actual night, so why don’t we just play some dumb game or whatever. Ever played Sims?”

“Is Sims really a two player thing?” Jack asked.

“We can make ourselves and raise a family and be cute and shit,” Mark told him, standing from the booth and throwing away his trash with a grin. “C’mon, Jack. Let’s make babies together.”

“Getting a little too friendly with the homo, Mark,” Jack said. But he appreciated the fact that Mark genuinely didn’t care and showed his uncaring-ness in making jokes. Jack loved making jokes. And Mark. Mark was proving to be a really good friend. 

. . .

“I have a telescope,” Mark told Jack around seven later that night. He said it in a deep voice, almost like a whisper, low and conspiratory. They were sitting at the table with Mark’s mother, eating dinner. Jack was wolfing down bulgogi like a coke addict doing lines. He could barely pull himself from the food to give Mark a inkling of his attention. He was sure Mark wasn’t offended. It was his mother’s cooking, after all. “I have a big telescope, Jack.”

“Again with the gay jokes,” Jack groaned.

“No, no, no!” Mark interrupted, waving his hands in the air wildly. “Not like that, though that’s also not wrong, I do have a big “telescope,” but I also have a big _telescope_. Like, the space ones. I sneak out on my roof and use it. Do you wanna play with my telescope?” Mark was snickering now, acting like a child. Jack stuck his tongue out at Mark in childish retaliation. 

“You boys,” Mark’s mother chided from across the table. “Let him eat! Let him eat, then you can go play.”

Mark gave an outrageous pout and sat back in his seat. Jack finished his meal and Mark’s mother excused them only once Jack’s bowl was empty. It was nice. Jack remembered when he’d have meals over at Felix’s house more than once a week. Felix’s mother was like a second mother to Jack; she’d always been so caring and supportive and she’d stuck up for Jack whenever Felix had teased him a little too much. A sense of longing settled in Jack’s stomach, heavy and uncomfortable. He hurried Mark along, helping him carry the telescope out of the window and onto the tiled roof, fumbling with the weight just to try and forget the melancholy. 

“Hey, Jack?” Mark called out gently as he was focusing the telescope somewhere in the sky. “You’re a little quiet. Everything okay?”

Jack shrugged. He looked west, towards his own house. Towards Felix’s house. 

“… Are you sure it wasn’t Felix?”

“Fuck, really?” Jack dropped onto the roof, sitting on the tile and sighing heavily. “Ye’ keep fucking pressing. I get it, you’re curious, but for the love of god…”

“I wouldn’t push if it didn’t keep bothering you,” Mark told him, looking down into the eyepiece, fiddling with the dials. “You get so quiet when you’re so loud at other times. Your voice is naturally halfway between shouting and screaming. So when you get anything less… Just seems like something that should be concerning. I mean, again, we don’t know each other all that well, but I’m pretty sure you’re not actually a quiet person.”

“Why don’t we get to know each other?” Jack suggested. “Twenty questions or whatever. Two truths and a lie. Never have I ever. We keep talkin’ about not knowing shit but never do nothin’ to fix it. So let’s do somethin’. Tell me something about yerself.”

Mark chortled as he continued to fiddle with the telescope. “Uh… I love space. Like, total boner for space. If I could go anywhere in the world, anywhere at all, I’d go to space. I’d leave everyone and everything behind, I’d go to Mars, I’d spend the rest of my life there and die up there and be happy. Calm me coldhearted, but that empty vastness is calling my name and I must answer her sweet siren song.”

“At least you’re open about it,” Jack told him. “Space is pretty fucking cool. Like, the possibility of life and stuff out there. The idea that we’re really not alone. Aliens are cool.” Jack wasn’t very good with astronomy and astrobiology and sometimes really, really big numbers made his brain stumble, but he’d learned what he could and enjoyed it. Mark seemed like he was the type to know fucking mathematical trivia about black holes.

“One day, I’d like to see space,” Mark said. “Even if I’m dead. I’m gonna have my ashes launched into space, I decided that a long time ago.”

“So expensive.”

“I’ll figure it out.” Mark was silent for a moment. Then he spoke softly. “There.”

“What?”

“Come look.”

Jack peered into the telescope as Mark moved out of the way, and saw a bright cluster of stars. As his eyes blurred in and out of focus, he thought the stars formed an almost jellyfish-like shape. When he could see clearly again, he could almost make out swirls of what could be dust around the larger stars. It was breathtaking.

“Pleiades,” Mark told him. “The stars at the end, where it tapes off are Pleione and Atlas. Maia and Electra and Celaeno are also in there. I forget the rest of the names.”

“Holy shit,” Jack breathed, entirely impressed by Mark’s knowledge of the stars. “You wanna go there one day?”

“Oh fuck yeah.” Jack looked up an saw Mark was grinning. “I’m gonna see everything up there. I swear to god, I will. Even if I have to start believing in an afterlife and become a ghost and shit. I need to see those stars.”

“You seem stubborn enough to make it happen,” Jack commented. He went back to looking through the telescope, and that tightness in his chest returned. He remembered lying back on the grass and finding new constellations with Felix. They’d drawn them out with crayons and stickers and pinned them to Felix’s wall. He wondered if they still existed. 

“Let me show you Saturn’s rings,” Mark said. Jack moved over and looked up, realizing he was unable to recognize any of his and Felix’s constellations-- only the ones he’d been taught in school. The realization made the rest of the stars seem that much further away.

. . .

It was nearly one in the morning when Jack finally wandered home. He surprisingly didn’t have a problem finding his way—even after two years of erasing this place from his brain, he still knew his way around the town. The street signs were pointless; he’d wandered the night lights so many times before that finding his way home was instinct. 

As he stepped closer to home, though, he found his footsteps faltering. There was a light on in the house next door. The Kjellberg house. Jack hesitated, then went slowly up his lawn. He wasn’t able to stop peering into the window that was lit up, expecting to catch of glimpse of someone. Maybe Felix’s parents. His own mom and dad had been commenting on their absence. Maybe they just had different jobs. 

He saw nothing, though. Jack startled when he heard a door creak open and looked ahead, expecting to be caught by his parents. But the door that had opened wasn’t to his own house.

“Seán?”

Jack startled again, knowing that voice all too well. He looked to his left and his entire body tensed as he watched Felix walked down his own lawn, towards Jack. Felix was smiling, wide and disbelieving, like he wasn’t actually certain Jack was real and standing in front of him. Jack wanted to run. He probably should run, but he knew if he did, he would never, ever be able to face Felix again. He wasn’t… Jack didn’t even know why he was so actively avoiding Felix. Was it the guilt? The reminder? Was it because he didn’t like Felix anymore? Was he scared? Jack didn’t know, but he needed to figure it out quickly, because Felix was almost directly in front of him, and he was still smiling. 

“Fuck, it is you!” Felix cried out, excited and lighting up. “I, I saw you in the hallway, but you just sorta left. Class, right?” As Felix stopped in front of Jack, he realized that Felix’s smile was more hopefully nervous than hopefully disbelieving. Maybe he was waiting for Jack to tell him to just fuck off. “How, how have you been?”

“Been good,” Jack murmured. “It’s, uh, it’s Jack now. I don’t go by Seán anymore.” 

Felix’s smile lost its brightness. “Oh…” Fuck, this was awkward. That was what Jack had been avoiding, he realized that now. He’d been avoiding how fucking awkward this was turning out to be. How do you make up for two years of silence after straight up abandoning someone you’d once promised you’d die for? 

Felix bit his lip. “You’re… I, uhm. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to corner you or something, I just was really excited to see you again. It’s been so long, you know? And I didn’t know where you’d go, how long you’d be, or…” Felix trailed off. Jack finally really looked into those blue eyes and saw that they were hardened and sad. He’d never seen them like that before. “I’ve just really missed you, Se-Jack! Jack. Your name is Jack now.” Felix tried to make himself smile again. “Weird, isn’t it? Would be better if I went by a different name now? Klas or Esbjörn or something.”

“Those are the worst fucking names you could ever pick, Fe’,” Jack said without thinking. Felix smiled again, bright and happy, and oh no, Jack really needed to get out of here.

“You sure?” Felix asked. “I think Ludwig would be nice. Maybe Rasmus. I could be Adrian— everyone would love calling me Adrian.”

“That meme is dead, Felix.”

“I can bring it back,” Felix replied, snickering, and for a second, it was like nothing had changed. Jack and Felix would make dumb jokes with each other, eat bad food, and get themselves into trouble in the woods. They’d come home late and keep talking, because even though it would be in the early AM, they still wouldn’t want to part ways. They would stand out on the lawn until the sun started to rise. 

Jack took in a shaky breath. “How ye’ been, Fe’?”

“Great!” Felix replied a little too quickly. “You look good, Jack. Definitely taller. But, uh…” And suddenly Felix was closer, a lot closer, their chests only an inch or so from each other. Jack could literally breathe in the other boy, and he wasn’t positive, but he was pretty sure Felix was still using the same fucking shampoo. “Hah!” Felix exclaimed, like a cry of triumph. “I am taller! I’d always told you I’d be taller.”

“Fuck you, ye’ arse,” Jack laughed, forgetting himself again. “I’m fuckin’ tall, you’re just a freak. Nice hair, by the way. The fuckin’ bleach, like Justin Bieber. Why the fuck would you bleach yer hair?”

“What, you don’t like it?” Felix reached up and messed with his own hair, tousling it around. From just an inch or so below, Jack could make out that sharp jawline in the moonlight, the messy hair framing Felix’s handsome face. Jack suddenly remembered that their chests were still nearly touching. Jack’s expression shuttered closed and he stepped back. He heard a woman screaming horrible words in his head, and shuddered.

Felix’s smile faltered. “I… I mean. Do you wanna, like, hang out? Sometime?”

“Can’t,” Jack replied immediately. “Just, you know. Catching up with school. And I’ve got projects. Plus, I have a wedding this week, and I also promised Mark I’d be over for a thing.” A shit ton of lies. Jack wasn’t sure when he’d become a piece of garbage, but he knew he was just that in this moment. Lying to Felix’s face after laughing with him just moments before. Jack took another step back. He watched Felix begin to take a step closer, like he wanted to close the gap, so Jack took a third, definitive step away. Felix caught the hint. He looked crestfallen.

“Okay, well.” Felix looked to the grass. Jack looked down and saw Felix was barefoot, his toes curling in between the cool, green blades. A gust of cold win swept through the neighborhood, loud and foreboding. Jack looked back up and saw Felix was chewing violently on his lower lip. A nervous tick he’d apparently never lost.

“Just, if you ever feel like stopping by, that light upstairs will be on if I’m home.” Felix glanced back and nodded his head to the lit window. “I mean, yeah, that’s how I, like, let Michael know. If ever, for some reason, he’s not with me wherever I am. I’m not home a lot, but…” Felix shrugged. “Yeah. If you ever want to.”

Jack nodded. He had no intention of going to Felix’s home when that light was on. “I’ll see ye’ around, Felix,” he told him, making it obvious he wanted this conversation to end. Felix looked like he was in physical pain, but what had he expected? Jack had left. Felix should’ve known that sort of thing couldn’t be fixed with just one bump-in with each other at school and a five second conversation at one AM. The world wasn’t the same magical place that they’d thought it was when they were kids.

“G’night, Fe’,” Jack said firmly. He turned around, knowing he would have to be the first one to walk away again. Halfway up the porch steps, though, he allowed himself a glance back to the joined lawns. 

Felix was standing there. Staring. Looking out into the woods behind Jack’s house with this lonely expression that ached deep down in Jack’s bones. He knew he was doing the wrong thing because hurting Felix was always wrong. But he was doing the right thing for himself. 

Regardless of how Mark represented this town, Jack knew, deep down, that it hadn’t changed. His house hadn’t changed. Nothing had changed. And since nothing would change, Jack was going to have to make the hard decision. So Jack faced back towards his own home, making himself ignore Felix, and went inside. And honestly, facing his parents’ anger was a much better than remembering the loneliness on Felix’s face. 

“Where have you been?” Jack’s mother asked, sounding more tired than upset.

“With Mark,” Jack replied, going for stiff and unwelcoming so she’d just save the conversation for the morning. 

“I saw you outside with someone…”

Jack pushed past her and went upstairs.

“Was it Felix?” she called out after him. “You can’t ignore that poor boy!”

Jack slammed his bedroom door shut.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wedding bells

“I know you hate weddings,” his father said, working on Jack’s tie, getting his fingers all knotted up with the silk. “And I know you really don’t like your mum’s side of the family, but you like Emma. She’s a good girl, good as family. You and her used to have so much fun when you were kids, out in the quarry. Do this for her, son. That’ll help you get through that stuffy church service, yeah? She’s a lovely person. She wanted ye’ here and that should mean something.”

“Who’s she even marrying?” Jack asked. Cousin Emma had been the only member of his maternal family that he’d ever gotten along with. All of his uncles were loud and preachy and all of his aunts were high-pitched and preachy. His mother’s grandparents hated him because his mother’s family was southern baptist and his father’s family was Catholic, so the disdain was born and bred through generations. Jack was Irish, thusly everyone on his mom’s side of the family hated his birth. Everyone except Emma.

“A boy she met here,” Dad said. “Brad or someone. Seems nice, yer mum and I have come across him a time or two downtown when we’ve been going to dinners with the family. Dinners that you’ve been leaving me to, all by my lonesome.” 

Jack wanted to roll his eyes. “Mark and I—”

“I’m not being serious, ye’ know that,” his dad said with a smile. “‘M happy ye’ve got a friend, and a good one, at that. All the loneliness and therapy back in the homeland. It’s good to see you’re getting along a little better. I just wish I had a fellow sane man with me with that family o’ hers.”

“You love my mother,” Mom said, flaunting past in a lovely floral dress. She was putting in her new earrings and her hair was done up, sprayed, and sticking high in the air. She loved getting all dressed up and never had enough excuses to put on her face. “And my sister! You love my sister. And my sister’s husband. It’s not all bad, and you always have a good time once you’ve had a few drinks.”

Jack shared a knowing smile with Dad. Anything could become enjoyable after a few drinks. 

“Jack, you need to be wearing a bowtie, not a tie,” Mom said, tutting at the successfully tied knot around his collar. “Hun, be a dear and get him one of your old bows.”

Dad groaned and stomped his foot like a child before doing as told. 

“We need to leave now if we want to find parking!” Mom nearly sang, flouncing back around with a different set of earrings in her hands. “I have all my makeup, all my shoes, and all my jewelry. Just waiting on you gentlemen, so if you’d like to skedaddle just a tad…”

“Hold yer horses, Bonnie-lass,” his father said. “Gotta retie that tie.”

They made it into the car and finally found parking. Jack looked up at the chapel— the First United Methodist Church. A giant fucking building that took up a lot of space and cut into the rather pleasant skyline this town could’ve had if they weren’t surrounded by trees. He was pretty sure that the counselor from _the incident_ had been an avid attendee and volunteer at this very church. 

“Have ye’ ever met the grooms’ family?” his father asked, looking up at the steeple. Mom wordlessly shook her head. 

They walked into the church. It was stuffy and way too white. Jack felt like he’d be thrown out if he sneezed or anything that could break the somber silence. But it was better than being in anything Catholic— Jack could always feel his soul wither and die during one of those services. They were seated pretty quickly, and everything was fine, until a woman and her husband were sat just in front of Jack and his parents. 

“Oh my god,” Aunt Marge gasped, before leaning over her two children to whisper urgently to Jack’s mother. They had been sitting beside Jack’s family in the same pew for a while, everyone just whispering among each other so as to avoid disturbing the somber peace of the church. “That’s the dog walker of the parents! They sat the dog walker in front of family!”

“Oh my god, no,” Mom gasped, sounding scandalized. Jack suppressed a groan. These Southern women and their senses of propriety, all the rules and regulations and what-to-dos with the what-not-to-dos. He hated all of that stuff. It seemed like pointless effort to make sure thing went “right,” and unnecessary stress when those things went “wrong” regardless. “I can’t believe they’d do that,” his mother was whispering. “Who organized this fiasco?”

Jack also hated how judgmental these women could be. He loved his mom, but she could be cutthroat and critical. He looked to the young men that were organizing the seating and knew that they had no fucking clue what they were doing. They’d probably never done this before, and they were young. How were they supposed to know all of these stuck up rules? Jack would bet that they were just friends of the family being asked to do something way beyond their understanding.

“This place is going to the dogs,” Aunt Marge tutted, glaring at the back of the head of the elderly woman whose only crime was walking dogs and sitting down where she’d been sat with her lovely husband. Jack’s dad looked just as exasperated. They'd never liked the pride of the upper southern class.

“Someone should say something,” Uncle Phillip mumbled, pulling Aunt Marge back into her seat. “Before Angie and Chuck see them up there.”

“Eh, let it happen,” Dad said, waving them off. “This is the bride and grooms’ day. Let them have their happiness. Not like anyone’s gonna be in any pictures they don’t belong in, yeah?”

Aunt Marge and Uncle Phillip narrowed their eyes at Jack and his father. Jack smirked, knowing that they’d always seen Jack as a major mistake. What kind of parents would let their son dye their hair green? And let it stay green into a wedding? As Jack turned to look to the podium, he suddenly felt excited for cousin Emma to see his hair. She’d always wanted to dye her own. She was probably going to be pretty jealous.

As the pews began to fill, Jack became more and more aware of how empty the side on the right was. It was as most weddings— bride’s family on the left, groom’s on the right. But no one had been sat for the groom’s side, and the wedding was to start in five minutes. He knew he wasn’t the only one to notice, either— his aunts and uncles and cousins and friends of the family were all tuttering away, gossiping to one another about the half empty church. He couldn't make out any conversations, but he knew they weren’t saying nice things. Jack stared at the empty pews and felt a little sad for the groom. He had no one. Like the kid who no one cheered for at their graduation. He couldn’t image how that had to feel. Jack’s aunt Angie, Emma’s mother, was sat down in the front row. It was a signal that the ceremony was about to begin.

The organ started to play, and everyone looked expectantly to the back. Normally, the groomsmen would walk with the bridesmaids, arm in arm, up to the stage. But the first people to come out were two bridesmaids, arm in arm. Instantly, the room was full of feverish whispering. More critical judgements and more terrible assumptions. Then next pair to walk down were two more bridesmaids. Jack wondered if the groom even had anyone at all.

The next pair walked out— a bridesmaid and, surprisingly, a groomsman. Jack had to squint, because he recognized the groomsman. It was that boy, the drug addict, the one with the exhausted face and baseball cap. His name was Michael and he looked even more thin in the suit that he was wearing, the suit that wasn’t fitted properly and was just a bit too long at the ankles. And he still looked so very tired— the bags under his eyes were worse than when Jack had first seen them. He wondered if this guy just put aside sleep for doing fucking drugs.

The next, final pair came, another bridesmaid and a groomsmen. So, six maids, two groomsmen. The groom had no one. Jack looked ahead, still watching Michael. He made eye contact with the boy, and Michael’s eyes widened slightly in recognition. Then the recognition flared into anxiety. Michael tore his eyes away and looked down the aisle just as the last groomsman stood next to him.

Holy shit.

It was Felix.

Felix stood beside Michael, smiling reassuringly to the shorter boy, who still just looked so fucking nervous. Jack watched Felix lean over to whisper something in Michael’s ear. When Michael whispered something back, Felix’s eyes snapped to the crowd and connected with Jack’s. There was no smile. No sign of happiness or surprise. Just a neutral sort of shock. Then Felix nodded to him slowly, and Jack nodded back. For some reason, he didn’t like that. He wanted Felix to be excited to see him. But that would be entirely unfair.

He hadn’t really seen Felix since that night on the lawn, and that was about a week ago. Seeing him now, being in the pews with Felix on the podium, was almost surreal. He felt this sinking sense of gratefulness that Felix wasn’t the one getting married.

Then a lone man walked down the aisle, a skinny man with a dark beard and dark hair. He shared a smile with Felix and Michael, and that broke Jack’s moment with Felix. It made Jack remember why he was here— this man was getting married and this was supposed to be one of the happiest days of that man’s life. It wasn’t Jack’s day to cultivate his complicated feelings with Felix. Fuck, now Jack felt like an asshole.

Everyone stood and Jack quickly fumbled to stand as well. The program fell from his lap and made a loud noise. Jack flushed with embarrassment as his mother’s family glared at him. As Jack was turning around, he just barely caught the smirk Felix was wearing while he watched Jack fuck up.

Emma was being walked down the aisle, uncle Mike holding her arm and weeping silently. Emma was grinning, though, eyes only for her groom, who was smiling so widely at her that Jack could make out how perfectly white his teeth were. Jack found himself smiling as well. These two people were obviously so in love. He was happy for them. He secretly loved weddings because he loved see true love make its mark in the world, at least economically. He wondered if they would die together.

“Oh god,” His mother suddenly whispered. “I… I’m wearing the same shoes as her.” Mom was pale with horror. “I’m wearing the same shoes.” Jack rolled his eyes.

“All be seated,” the priest intoned.

The ceremony itself was short and to the point. Aunt Angie and Mike cried a little louder as Emma said her vows to her groom, whose name was Brad. Brad’s vows were more concise. More intimate. He talked about the gentleness Emma had and the kindness she showed others and how he’d fallen in love. It seemed more intimate that Emma’s own vows, more personal. Then again, Emma had to play the part for her family. But Brad. Brad had no one but the two boys standing beside him. And they kept grinning at Emma like they couldn’t imagine their friend with anyone any better.

Jack’s eye was continuously drawn to Felix. He was wearing a suit that looked like it wasn’t originally intended for him. The blue tied matched the dresses of the bridesmaids, but more importantly, matched Felix’s eyes. The light streaming in from the stain glass windows bounced colors off the bleached hair and pale skin. Jack knew he shouldn’t be caught staring, but he honestly couldn’t look away, either. He found himself picturing him and Felix up on that podium together, saying their I-dos to one another. They’d always joked about getting married. They’d even had shitty vows scribbled down in their school notebooks. After staring at Felix for most of the ceremony, Felix met his eyes again. Then, when Felix sent him a playful smirk before cutting his eyes to the bridge and groom, Jack knew he was thinking of the same thing. 

The ceremony ended with the kiss, Brad and Emma smiling too wide to actually kiss properly, but everyone on Jack’s side erupted into cheers. It seemed that Brad’s heartfelt words had convinced them of his worth, at least for the moment. 

They were called up for pictures, all the close family crowding around for their chance to shine with the bride and groom. Jack saw Felix and Michael leave the church through the back door. 

“Where are they going?” Dad asked.

“They’re not family,” Mom replied with a wave of her hand. “No pictures there. They’ll probably be at the reception.” Jack hoped they would be. Didn’t they deserve to celebrate just like the rest of them? And with how alone Brad had seemed, with his side of the church completely empty…

They took their picture. Jack got a split second of Emma gaping at his hair, and then bouncing on her toes excitedly. She pointed wildly to the bright green and Jack flailed his hands, mimicking her excitement. After the photos, they drove to the reception area— Thompson House and Garden in Bogart. 

It was a gorgeous house. The yard was huge, with a fountain and lawn paths and awnings and gardens. There were fairy lights struggle between the trees and a creepy statue of an angel nestled among some trees. The weather was a pleasant, cool temperature, and inside the house there was music and chattering. Jack stood outside, looking into the lit windows. Ever since Ireland, where he’d lived in solitude for most of the time, he’d taken a sort of enjoyment in being outside the commotion and simply observing. In a few minutes, he would go inside and see Emma and get excited and talk about stupid shit. But for now, he was happy to stand alone. 

“Gonna go in?”

Jack turned and grinned when he saw Emma. “The fuck’er ye’ doin’ out here?” he demanded, reaching out and looping his arm around her waist as she settled into his side in a half hug. They both looked up at the house. “Ye’ know, the bride’s suppose to be in there. Placating guests and all that shit.”

“Technically, I’m not here yet,” Emma told him. “I’m supposed to still be getting ready. I’m not supposed to be here for another hour.” She lifted one foot and took off a shoe, then the other. They really were the same pair that Jack’s mother was wearing/ She buried her toes into the grass with a sigh of relief. “Fuck heels. Mom wouldn’t let me walk in my Chucks.”

“They were freaking out about the dog walker being in front of family,” Jack told her. “I’m sure if you’d worn Chucks, they’d’ve burned the church down.”

“If only,” She groaned. “They could turn that area into a park. Make something positive out of it. Brad would love another park, he loves that stuff.”

“Brad,” Jack repeated. “What’s he like?” The smile on Emma’s face was answer enough.

“He’s perfect, Seán,” she told him softly. “I met him about a month after you left. Started dating him not even a week after. And I wanted to marry him only a day later. But, you know, my mother and all. Couldn’t very well ditch and get hitched.” She smiled wistfully to the windows. “He loves me. More than anything. And he’s such a good guy. Not, in, like, walking old ladies across the street. What he does for his friends. He’s loyal. He’d do anything for the people he cares about and that’s really important to me. He’s not afraid to get his hands dirty, but he doesn’t stop me from being me, either. He’s the only person who’s supporting my career direction.”

“And what’s that?”

“A paramedic,” she told him. “First responder. Everyone wants me to be a nurse, or even an aid, something a little more becoming of a woman. But fuck that, you know? I don’t like the idea of being the destination. I want to be the person to get them to the people they need. I want to be able to keep them alive. I want to be in that ambulance, doing everything I can to save whoever it is.”

“You’ll be a great paramedic,” Jack told her with confidence. “No way could ye’ not.”

She grinned. “That makes four! You, Brad, Michael, and Felix.”

Jack’s expression shuttered. “You… you’re friends with Felix?”

“Of course I am,” she said. “Aren’t you still? He’s grown up so much, it’s crazy.”

“And Michael?”

She laughed. “Michael lives with me and Brad.”

Jack had apparently missed a lot. “Huh…”

“Love the green hair, by the way,” she told him, reaching up to mess it all up with her finely manicured nails. “Very, very you. Wish my mom would let me dye my own purple.”

“Don’t you live on your own?”

“Don’t you think she stalks my every fucking move on social media?” She snorted a laugh and leaned even more into his side. “… I’ve missed you, Seán. Things weren’t the same after you left. There was less to do. Everyone’s so stuck up and proper and shit. I miss playing in the mud with you. And coming up with new curses and insults.” She turned her head and smiled softly up at him. “I hope you feel better, though. I hope you found what you needed.”

Jack didn’t have the heart to tell her that he’d only discovered what he’d lost. “Think we should head in there?”

“Ugh, I guess.” Emma grumbled and put her shoes back on. “Brad’s probably in there. Poor guy, he can barely handle my parents, let alone this armada of insanity. And Michael’s nerves…” She groaned again, a little louder than before. “I wish I could’ve had this wedding with only a few people. My parents and my friends. And you, of course. But this is all too much. I have to cut a cake. People are actually taking bets on whether or not Brad and I will eat it normally or smear it on each others’ faces. How boring is that?”

“Well, are ye’ gonna smear it or eat it?”

She smirked. “You’ll see,” she told him with a wink. “You know, my parents didn’t pay for most of this. Brad and friends and I did.”

Jack was surprised. “Aren’t you're parents pretty well off?” That wasn’t even a question. He just didn’t want to sound accusatory.

“They don’t actually like Brad,” she sighed. “He’s not rich enough, or whatever. And they don’t like the whole orphan thing.”

“Brad’s an orphan?”

She nodded and tugged at his arm gently. They started to walk towards the house. “His parents died just before we met. He had to drop out of school to keep a home and stuff. I took a part time job and helped him with groceries. We’ve already been through a lot as a couple. That’s how I know we’re going to last.”

Jack snorted. “Not supposed to talk about failed marriages at a wedding. It’s bad luck.”

“Luck’s never been there for me before,” she told him. “But Brad has.” She grinned at him. “How cheesy was that? Cheddar to Blue?”

“Just at pepper jack,” he said. “Enough spice to make me regret it, but not enough to make me stop eatin’.”

She giggled. “Try and meet Brad during this. You’ll love him. And have fun with Felix tonight! That boy’s missed you more than me! And I missed you a whole fucking lot, but he’s got his own special reasons.” She winked at him and was swept up into a crowd of congratulations as they entered the house before he could ask what she meant.

His dad found him and put an arm around Jack’s shoulder. “Yer mum is ready to get hammered. I’m trusting the car keys with ye’.” He handed Jack the keys to the sedan, then sent him a wink. “If ye’ go anywhere, we’ll be sure to catch a ride of our own.”

Jack arched a brow, wondering where his father thought he could go. Dad disappeared into the crowd regardless, probably to find Mom. Jack sighed and went to the area with the reception tables, to the assigned seating. He expecting to be sitting here on his phone for most of the night, since he still had the idea that he wasn’t ready to actually face Felix. He felt like a nutcase with how he was acting. Avoiding, seeking, avoiding, seeking. It was crazy. _Jack_ was crazy. Or at least, he felt like he was. He probably was.

Jack looked out into the night, wishing he could disappear again. He saw a french glass door which led out onto a deck that looked mostly secluded. Glancing around to make sure nothing was going to start happening anytime soon, Jack stood from his seat and ducked outside, breathing in the air with relief. He’d barely spent five minutes in that place and already had felt suffocated. 

Jack slowed his steps, though, when he realized he wasn’t the only one out here. He squinted into the darkness, then tightened his fingers into fists. 

Felix was out here. Michael and Brad. They were all leaning on the railing of the porch, facing each other, making a small, personal little bubble of their own. A small light lit up their faces. They were passing something around between the three of them. Jack wondered if Emma knew about Michael’s drug problem, and that it was apparently effecting Brad, as well. It really sucked that Emma’s marriage was already in a bad place, and she was none the wiser. 

They were looking up at the sky now and again, Brad pointing upwards whenever he saw something of interest. Felix would laugh softly at him, Michael would smile, and then Brad would point at something else. They kept passing the lit up stick around. The party went on inside, but these three men were so obviously disconnected from it and happy to be so. Jack suddenly felt a little envious, regardless of the drugs. 

They obviously had something. A weird camaraderie that went beyond just three dudes being dudes. Both Brad and Felix were angled around Michael like they were protective, and both Michael and Felix were obviously pretty stoked for their friend getting married, with how they kept poking at the ring, probably teasing. Jack didn’t think he’d ever had this kind of quiet friendship with Felix. He felt like he was seeing a side of Felix that he’d never been allowed to see and it made him irrationally jealous. Almost angry.

But he shouldn’t be, right? Jack had turned all of that down, more than once at this point. Felix hadn’t had any other choice than to move on, especially with how Jack was continuing to push him away. Felix was allowed to have other friends. He was allowed to have moved on, just like Jack totally had, one hundred percent, yep, Jack had moved on long ago. And this with fine. Seeing Felix like this with others was fine. Jack wasn’t angry. Jack wasn’t going to do a god damn thing…

Jack was about to make a huge fucking mistake.

Jack walked up to them, clearing his throat, making a subtle entrance into their intimate circle. Felix’s face lit up with a bright smile, and Jack forced down a smirk of pride, wishing he could rub this in Michael and Brad’s face. Look at that, ye’ assholes. Only Jack could make Felix’s face light up like the fucking fourth of July. It didn’t matter what Michael and Brad had with Felix now— it was nothing compared to what Jack and Felix had on their own.

“Jack, Jack, hey!” Felix exclaimed, stepping back and opening up that small circle for him. “Hey, uh, you, meet Jack, guys, meet Jack. An old friend.”

“Never heard of a Jack before,” Brad commented before shoving his hand towards Jack, who took it on instinct. “I saw you with Emma. You two know each other or are you a wayward ex I should be concerned about?”

“Emma’s me cousin,” Jack said. “No worries to be had. Congrats, by the way. She’s definitely a great lady. Consider yerself lucky.” He meant it, too. Emma had been the talk of the town come puberty. She’d been one of the few people Jack had kept contact with after leaving for Ireland, and he’d heard plenty of stories about the many boys and girls wanting to get her to the movies. Brad was probably a pretty widely hated man by now.

“I don’t remember Emma or Fe’ mentioning a Jack,” Brad said. Okay, so he was a no-nonsense type of guy, good to know. Michael let out an audible winced and cut at his throat towards Brad, unsubtly telling him not to push. 

“Want some?” Felix asked, holding out the stick. He was apparently eager to just ignore Brad’s question. Jack was ready to turn Felix down with a look of scathing disappointment when he realized the three men had only been sharing a cigarette. “Brad’s quitting as of tonight— a wedding gift Emma basically coerced him into doing. We’re helping him start early by only letting him smoke a third of it.”

“Because that’s how smoke inhalation works,” Brad said drawled with a roll of his eyes. Michael let out a pot giggle even though Jack was now pretty sure the kid was sober. 

“Want some?” Felix asked again, holding out the cig. “We smoked, like, twice back then. Threw up the first time, nearly threw up the second. Do you still?”

“Do you?” Jack asked, reaching out and taking the cigarette. A tiny part of him wanted to smoke this thing with no problem just to prove he’d matured and become someone without Felix. He wanted Felix to be jealous of not knowing Jack just like Jack had been jealous of not knowing Felix. 

Fuck, this was petty. He took in a long, heavy drag anyways and forced himself to remain unaffected, even as his lungs burned. He had smoked before, after all. Michael looked mildly impressed, but Felix didn’t even seem surprised. That was annoying. Jack had wanted to, at the very least, surprise him. Damn.

“Don’t hog that thing all to yourself,” Brad said, reaching out. “My last one! I’ve got to have at least some of it.”

“It’s almost out,” Jack replied, but handing the cigarette over anyways. Brad snatched it up, an obvious addict. It was kinda sweet that he was quitting for Emma. Jack was sure she would appreciate it, especially since they had a grandfather with lung cancer from cigars. Then again, Brad was an adult. He could make his own decisions. 

“We were looking for the satellite,” Felix told Jack, eyes only for the shorter man. His smile was still wide and brighter than the moon above them. “You’re supposed to be able to see it moving across the sky tonight. I don’t know which satellite it is, though, or whose. Haven’t seen it yet, either.”

“Are ye’ sure it’s even happening?” Jack asked with a snort. Felix had a tendency to hear something on the internet and just fucking run with it without any sort of critical thought. April Fools was always a fun day for them both. “Could’ve just been some dumb asshole yanking your chain online. Wouldn’t be the first time.”

“Shut up, that was one time.”

“Three times.”

Felix snickered and turned his eyes back up to the sky. “Maybe you’re right.”

“Except I found the article,” Michael chimed in. He had a really strong Austrian accent, a powerful sound coming out of someone so small. “And, and I am not usually wrong. I have references.”

“Are any of us actually from America?” Jack had to ask. Brad had a heavy English accent, Felix was undeniably Swedish as fuck, and Michael was apparently Austrian. “It’s kinda weird that you guys are all friends and shit. Like ye’ just wanna have your own little niche of Europe, fuck all else.”

“Brad’s from another school,” Felix said. “He and Emma met in college.”

“How did you meet him?” Jack asked.

“On a hike,” Michael said with another pot giggle. “They, they actually ran into each other, yeah? Like, literally. I, I think there was a bruise. I remember seeing a bruise on your elbow, Felix.”

“He was on a bike, I was on foot,” Felix said, rolling his eyes fondly when Michael reached out and grabbed Felix’s elbow, turning it around and pointing to where he’d found the bruise for Jack to see. “He came around a corner too fast and I had a tree blocking the way. I’m pretty sure I got a concussion from it, and he split his lip on my skull.”

“Agonized screams,” Brad intoned. “Blood everywhere. Miles into the woods, where our bodies could never be found…”

“My body bent the wheel of his bike and we had to walk back together,” Felix hummed, grinning at Brad. “It was dumb as hell, too. I hadn’t planned on going on that hike, so all of my clothes were pretty dark, and my flashlight was, uh, back in the car.”

“Wait, ye’ went on a hike in the dark without a flare?” Jack made a face. Felix had never been that careless— he’d always been the one making sure Jack had his water and his pocketknife and his good shoes. He couldn’t believe Felix had been so careless. 

“Brad was biking without a light!” Felix cried out in protest, smacking Brad’s arm, probably trying to get the attention off of himself. “Being on a bike is so much more dangerous, too, he could’ve killed someone. He could’ve killed me!” Felix was sounding like he was trying to convince Jack to become concerned for his safety, but he was smiling as he smoke, so it destroyed the intended effect. Jack just let himself grin right back and rolled his eyes. “You need to talk some sense into him, Jack,” Felix insisted. “He’s a madman.”

“I’m just surprised ye’ made it back from that incident in one piece,” Jack snorted. “Walkin’ back in the dark? Ye’ could always climb like a monkey, but ye were fuckin’ useless in the dark.”

“Shut up, Seán,” Felix laughed, waving a hand in the air in front of Jack. They were both smiling, but Brad suddenly tensed, looking to Jack with wide eyes. He looked just a few steps away from furious. Michael just looked resigned now that Jack’s real name was out in the open. 

“Seán?” Brad repeated. “This is fucking Seán?”

Felix’s smile dropped as he realized his mistake. “… It’s not—”

“You should leave,” Brad told him stiffly. Michael was shuffling his feet, like he was trying to stand between Brad and Felix and Jack. A mediator. “You’re Emma’s cousin, you’re friends, I get that, but you’re not coming around Felix right now, got it?”

“Brad, I can handle this my—”

“You obviously can’t fucking handle this if you’re continuing to let him around you.” Brad interrupted Felix with the patience and understanding of a mother who believed she knew better. “Come on, Felix, we’re leaving. We’ll get a platter of those bacon wrapped dates you’ve been stuffing yourself with all night.” Michael took this as the cue to run, and tried to pull Felix away by the arm, but Felix was fighting back, refusing to be moved. Felix narrowed his eyes at Brad, almost like a challenge.

“I’m fine,” Felix snapped. “And so is Jack. So why don’t you just cool it with the assumptions and understand that I’m over all of it.”

“You don’t just get over that shit,” Brad huffed.

“Over like a fucking flood,” Felix insisted. “Michael, dude, can you let go of me?”

Michael’s gaze flittered between Brad and Felix before it landed on Jack. He pulled his hand away from Felix regardless. “I would still like to eat the bacon dates, so.”

Brad shook his head. “We’ll get something to eat. With Felix. Right?”

Jack couldn’t stand the hostility much longer, and since it looked like Felix wasn’t about to tuck tail and listen to his friends, Jack decided to end this for them all. “My parents are expecting me,” he said, sending Felix a smile regardless of his intentions to leave. It sounded like Jack was Brad and Michael’s least favorite person, meaning Felix had told them a lot more than Jack had counted on anyone else knowing. And besides— Jack had never wanted to be friends with Felix again. These two had nothing to worry about. “Enjoy the rest of the wedding, Fe’.”

The disappointment on Felix’s face was like neon. But the approving expression Brad was wearing was a lot easier to understand. Jack was doing the right thing by hurting Felix just a little more, just one last time. But as he turned away, Felix was grabbing Jack’s phone from his back pocket.

“What the fu—”

“Betcha I can guess your password,” Felix told Jack with a smirk. He got the password in one try, and Jack made a mental note to change the damn thing. Felix held up the phone so Jack could see he had the contacts up, then plugged in his number. “Don’t delete it this time,” Felix told him before handing back the phone. “But even if you do, I’m not opposed to using smoke signals in my yard. I know you’d be able to see it through your window.” Felix winked at him, fucking winked. “Tell your mom and dad I said hi.”

Jack stumbled a little as he turned once again to really leave. But as he looked down at his phone and saw Felix’s number, he didn’t feel any sort of trepidation or regret. He wasn’t upset to have the number itself, he wasn’t mad at Felix. He wasn’t about to delete the contact either, and it wasn’t because he knew Felix really would set something on fire to create the smoke. 

No, now, looking down at his phone, Jack felt something a little like excitement.


	4. Chapter 4

“So my computer’s up and running,” Jack told Mark the next time he saw him at school. “Ye’ wanna move the LAN party to my place this week?” He’d fallen into a comfortable rhythm already. Mark preferred to play video games and exercise indoors on an elliptical, and he had friends to do the same with him. It was safe. It was what Jack could settle into happily. It helped him ignore the uncomfortable weight of Felix’s name in his phone. 

Now that the night of the wedding was gone, Jack no longer felt excitement, only anxiety. He felt like if he ignored the number for long enough, Felix would not expect him to reach out, the and number would be forgotten. It wasn’t like Felix had his number, but Jack couldn’t cave. If he did, Felix would be able to reach out on his own and Jack would never be able to move on. 

“You really want to move all of this crazy—” and Mark made a circling gesture to encompass everyone at the table, which was really everyone sans Kathryn. “—And bring it into your peaceful home? Are you sure that’s a responsibility you wish to take on?”

Jack shrugged, going for nonchalant. “Parent’s aren’t home.”

“We’re so going to his place,” Ethan said. “I’m tired of your mom telling me I’m too loud. With Jack’s parents gone, I can scream bloody fucking murder and no one’s going to be able to tell me to shut up.”

“Except us,” Amy chimed in, doodling all over Mark’s open palm with a sharpie. She’d started off drawing a dick and was now conspicuously disguising it with a myriad of different designs. Mark hadn’t even noticed the dick from the beginning, but Jack had been helpfully tracing designs of his own into the table with his fingertip she would see, and then attempt to mimic on Mark’s skin. They had a pretty good plan going. 

“So, LAN party?” Tyler asked. “Jack’s place? Tomorrow’s Saturday, you probably shouldn’t expect us to go home tonight at all. Mark goes hard on the weekends,” and Jack had to roll his eyes. because he knew Mark definitely went way too hard when he didn’t have to worry about sleep the next day, and had seen it a few times himself. “Jack, that means you’re in charge of snacks.”

Jack groaned, but pulled out his only notebook, ready to take snack orders. Tyler shoved a fist of triumph into the air and proceeded to regal Jack with his analysis of the best Dorito flavors.

. . .

“Bigfoot?” Mark called out to his computer, hunched over and clicking wildly. “Bigfo~ot? Bigfo~ot!” Amy was sitting on the ground by his feet, drawing over his entire fucking leg now. Mark hadn’t noticed the dick from before; Amy had hidden at least three more on his leg, and she was going for more, making a small noise of triumph each time she showed Mark her progress so far and he failed to notice. 

Jack was at his own setup, with Tyler right beside him, and Ethan set up at the dining table across from Mark while Kathryn sat beside him and told him everything he was doing wrong as the four of the boys all set up traps to try and catch Bigfoot. 

“This game is ridiculous,” Jack mumbled. They’d been trying to capture Bigfoot for the last hour, except that couldn’t be true, because they’d started playing this at eight and now it was fucking eleven. Way more than an hour. “How the fuck are we supposed to catch this asshole? His health is crazy, he’s fucking OP.”

“We can do this, guys!” Mark cried out, ever the leader. “We’ve got this in the bag!”

“Hey, wait, is that— oh fuck, fuck, _fuck!_ ” 

That was the sound of Ethan being completely slaughter by Bigfoot. Beside him, Tyler snickered, watching Ethan freak out in the reflection of his own monitor. “Mark, we need to regroup,” Tyler said. “We’ve lost Ethan. Now we can actually play this game the right way.”

“Fuck you, Tyler!”

“Tyler’s right,” Mark agreed. “We should head back to basecamp. Also, I want more Mt. Dew.”

That was Jack’s cue to pull his headphones off, just like the other three did. Instantly, his ears were assaulted with a distant, ringing bass, a musical sound that definitely wasn’t coming from his house. Jack scrunched his nose up. “The fuck is that?”

“It’s been playing for ages,” Amy said idly, like she wasn’t bothered by the noise, but Jack was. Now that his headphones weren’t on, he could fucking hear his parents’ dishes shaking in the display cupboard. “From next door, too. Who’s your neighbor, Jack? There are cars all up and down the street. I’m surprised the cops haven’t been called.”

Jack glanced out the window, but his neighbor’s house was dim, so that couldn’t… 

Oh.

The other neighbor.

“Felix,” he said, expression tight. Felix was the neighbor they were talking about, the one making all of the noise, having all the cars out front. This was obviously a party, one of those high school things that Jack saw on TV and promised he would never go near. Fuck, they were so fucking loud, this was fucking stupid, and the cops really should be called.

“Wanna say something?” Mark asked, watching Jack’s face. “We could just ignore it.”

“And have the police show up?” Jack grimaced. “Then my parents will make up some bullshit about me being part of it. It’s better if I can say I tried to put a stop to it with a straight face.” Honestly, he just didn’t want Felix to get into any sort of real trouble. There were probably drugs at that stupid party. And definitely alcohol. A small, tired part of himself wanted to keep Felix out of trouble, just as Felix had always done the same for him. No, Jack needed to say something. He needed to keep Felix out of a cell.

“This party has been in the works for a while,” Kathryn commented. “I’ve heard about it around school a few times. No clue what it’s for, but it’s kinda cute that he seems to care so much about setting up his social appearance like this.”

“Surprised his parents aren’t upset,” Jack mumbled. Felix’s mother had always been a very strict woman when it came to the cleanly state of her carpet.

“Oh, his parents are gone,” Ethan said. Jack looked to him sharply.

“Gone?”

Ethan nodded. “Both of them. Not sure where, but they’re gone. He basically has no one to answer to.” Ethan huffed and shook his head. “Lucky asshole. I’d love to not have parents around. He must be living it up, all the time.”

Jack knew that wasn’t the truth. Felix loved his parents more than anything. He would gush about his father and praise his mother like a church choir. He loved his mom and dad more than anything and everyone knew it. Felix was never ashamed to go out with his parents and would always let his dad walk with him to school and would smile the brightest when he opened the notes his mother wrote him in his lunchbox. Jack knew Felix was anything but over the moon over his parents being gone. At the very least, Felix was broken into pieces.

“I’m gonna go over there,” he said. “Tell him to keep it down. I, uh, I’ll be a minute.”

“We’ll go with you,” Mark said easily, standing and bouncing on his feet. He grinned excitedly to Tyler, who just returned his excitement with a cool nod. “We’ve never been to a party. Even if we’re gonna be fucking killjoys, it’ll still be good to say we’ve done it once.”

“Ye’ don’t have ta’—” but Kathryn and Amy were already toeing on their shoes and Ethan was zipping up his hoodie. Jack sighed, resigning himself to the fiasco this was going to be. If they’d never been to a party before, Jack was sure that things were going to be hectic. The drugs and the alcohol and the bad decisions— he was almost positive this was going to go badly. Definitely a cliche, with people stopping and staring at the nerds going into the cool kid’s party, the music stopping and all that dumb BS. No, Jack wasn’t excited for this at all.

They crossed the lawn, the water of the ground leaking through Jack’s shoes and soaking his socks in record time. The front door to Felix’s house was open and all of the lights were on. Jack could hear the windows rattle just barely over the sound of the bass. He heaved a heavy breath and then trumped up the porch stairs. The same step gave way under his foot in the same spot in the same way it had years ago. The familiar sensation made the hair on his arms stand on end.

He heard someone curse loudly and then break something inside the house and grimaced. Felix’s mom had always had some expensive collectibles, pottery from Sweden and stuff. If a jackass had broken one of her plates, Jack wouldn’t let them hear the end of it. 

As they stepped into the house, the music began a gradual crescendo. Jack looked into the main section of the house where a bunch of kids were all crammed together, bodies pressed against each other, dancing like idiots and laughing. There had to be at least a hundred people in this house, because Jack could hear feet upstairs and saw a ton more people in the kitchen and over in the dining room. Jack tensed when he saw drinks in nearly everyones’ hands. He had to find Felix.

“Oh my god,” Tyler deadpanned. “It’s just as bad as I imagined.”

“Is that what you’re supposed to look like when you dance?” Kathryn snickered.

“Hey, they’re just having fun,” Mark said, moving to stand in front of their small group. “Which is what we should be trying to do too, right? Until Jack tells Felix to shut up, or the cops come. Let’s find something cool!”

“That’s the spirit!”

Jack flinched as Felix shoved himself into Jack’s line of sight. The Swede shoved a drink into Mark’s hand, then another into Tyler’s. Jack’s knee jerk reaction was to chew Felix out, because why the fuck would he assume they’re so willing to drink, when Felix said, “fruit punch, cause I’ve got some kids here who don’t like that stuff. It’s totally good, home made shit. Splenda.” He seemed proud of how dumb that sounded. 

“I didn’t expect any of you! This is awesome!” Felix’s eyes were on Jack as he said this, though, so Jack was sure Felix was really only excited about seeing him. “What’re you doing here, Jack?” His voice softened immensely when he said Jack’s name, just barely audible over the music, over the bass that had just dropped. Jack could feel the floor shake under his feet as the people in the main room jumped to the beat. Mark sent Jack a look over Felix’s shoulder as he drank his punch, but Jack didn’t know what the look meant, so he ignored it.

“Here to tell ye’ it’s a little loud, Fe’,” he said, putting in a large amount of effort to sound annoyed. “You’re lucky no one’s called the cops on ye’, could get in real trouble if ye’ve got alcohol and fucking drugs.”

Felix shook his head. “Alcohol’s basically locked up at this point, only what’s been drank is what’s out, so the cops won’t find a thing. And the only drugs here are what Michael’s got, and he has his card, so…”

“Card?” Tyler watched Felix cooly over the rim of his cup. “What card?”

“Legal marijuana license,” Felix clarified. 

“He has a marijuana card?” Kathryn asked, sounding skeptical to the point of almost being rude. “Is that how he gets way with smoking at school and shit?” There was something close to judgmental disgust in her tone. Felix narrowed his eyes at her and Jack had to speak up before Kathryn started a fight by tearing into a boy that Felix was fiercely protective of.

“How is Michael?” Jack asked. “I haven’t seen him around. He okay with the noise?”

“He loves this shit,” Felix said, eyes still dark and locked on Kathryn. “He likes all the people. Likes to meet and learn and talk. Especially when he’s high. He can tell you stories for hours when he’s just lit up.”

Kathryn still looked very skeptical.

“Seems like a cool guy,” Tyler said, voice even. “It’d be nice to sit and talk with him.”

Felix laughed. The sound was alarmingly harsh, a false laugh that Jack had never heard from him before. It sounded like nails in human flesh and sounded nothing like Felix the way Jack knew him. “Yeah, that’s not about to happen.” Felix nodded to Jack. “You want a drink? Or any of them? I have Sprite and shit in the fridge. Daniels if you want, too.”

Jack was sorely tempted to give in to the Daniels. But he’d marched over here intending to keep Felix from doing illegal shit; it would be hypocritical to drink, and it wasn’t something he wanted to do in front of his new-er friends. He shook his head, denying a drink in general. Felix just shrugged. 

“Help yourselves to food and shit,” Felix told them all. “It’s a party, yeah? Have fun, if you want.” Felix grinned at Jack. “Wanna dance?” He waggled his brow and grinned like an idiot, reminiscent of when they were younger and Felix would cover up his more meaningful requests with jokes. There was a faint look in Felix’s eyes that told Jack he was right to assume there was a little more to all of this than the shit on the surface. Jack didn’t want to let anyone suspect anything about him and Felix. So he refused.

“Ye’ know I hate dancin’, Fe’,” Jack huffed. “I’m just gonna go, yeah? Keep it down and shite, ye’d break yer mum’s heart if you got yerself arrested for this.”

Felix’s grin screeched to a halt and it was like every ounce of life just washed itself out of Felix’s veins in a split second. Jack felt bad. It had been a low blow, especially now that he knew Felix’s parents were gone. Jack shouldn’t have said that. But he couldn’t take it back. So Jack steeled his expression and swallowed hard, meeting Felix’s eyes like a challenge. They both stared for a long moment.

“Pretty sure I broke her heart years ago,” Felix mumbled, flitting his blue eyes from Jack’s, a sign of surrender. Jack had won the stare down and he wasn’t proud of it. “I, uh. I’ve got to go check on Michael and the other guests and shit. Brad and Emma are somewhere around, if you’d like to say hi, but…” Felix trailed off, looking away. “Yeah. Do what you want. Find me later if you feel like it.” He slipped off into the kitchen, and Jack’s shoulders slumped. He hadn’t realized how tense he’d been for that confrontation until after it was over. 

“The hell was that?” Amy asked, drinking from Mark’s cup. Mark was watching him with concern. “Woah, this punch is amazing. Mark, Mark, oh my god, we need this punch recipe. I wanna bathe in this stuff.” Ethan snorted a laugh from beside her and stole her cup, heading into the fray. Of all of them, Ethan seemed to be the most excited to actually be part of this party. Tyler groaned and followed after Ethan.

“You good, Jack?” Mark asked. “I know you said you wanted to leave, but I think we’ve lost Ethan. We can, like, leave him if you want, but, like, I’d rather not.”

“I wanna find Emma,” Jack sighed, resigning himself to this disaster of a night. “Do you, uh…”

“I’m gonna find Ethan before he gets Tyler into trouble,” Mark said, smiling. “Meet back here in fifteen minutes?” He held up his phone, checking the time, like he genuinely believed Jack would be able to make it on time. 

“I’ll do my best,” Jack said, looking to the stairs. He had a feeling Emma would be on the second story, away from the noise. Jack broke away from the dwindling group and climbed the familiar stairs. All of the picture frames that used to decorate the walls were gone. He wondered where the pictures had gone and why they’d been taken down, but Jack couldn’t blame Felix for getting rid of the photos of his parents really were gone. Jack reached the top and went into the master bedroom, but no one was inside. He looked into the bathroom, saw a girl sitting on the counter making out with some boy, and kept going. The house didn’t look familiar in the slightest. He went to Felix’s room lastly and grinned when Emma squealed his name in joy.

“Seán, hey!” she cried out, launching herself off of Felix’s bed— which was just a mattress on the floor and not Felix’s old four-post bed of heaven—to wrap her arms around Jack’s neck. She tugged him down onto the mattress with her weight and pushed him over onto his side. Into Michael. 

Michael giggled, smoke wafting from his lips, his eyes bloodshot and entire body relaxed. Brad was sitting in a chair off to the side, looking up from the book he was supposedly reading. Brad narrowed his eyes at Jack, but didn’t say a word.

“I had no idea you’d be here,” Emma said, gushing with excitement, flailing her hands. “Felix never invites anyone, I’m always the one inviting people, we just use his place cause he’s got the place, you know, but it’s so awesome that you’re here!”

“He is my neighbor,” Jack snorted, pushing her hair into her face. She tried to blow it out of her eyes and failed repeatedly. Brad got up and reached out, tucking the hair behind her ear. “Aren’t ye’ both supposed ta’ be on honeymoon or something?” Jack asked. It was weird that they were still here.

“Spent all the money on the wedding,” Brad said. “We’ll make our own honeymoon.”

Jack couldn’t say anything. That had to suck.

“Don’t look so down, Jacky,” Emma giggled. “We’ve got each other, and that’s all that matters!” She sang the last part. Jack narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

“Are ye’ high?”

Emma paused, guilt flashing across her expression as she shrugged. “I mean… A little?” Jack frowned over his own shoulder to Michael, who was lying on his back and blowing smoke into the air. He was looking less happy by the second, and more apathetically zen. There was a slight tremor to his hands that Jack didn’t think was normal when smoking. 

“Michael needed a hit, but he doesn’t like smoking alone,” Emma said, pouting. “It makes him feel like an addict.”

“Isn’t he?” Jack asked before he could stop himself. 

Brad looked ready to yell at him, but Emma hit his arm hard enough to make Jack wince, essentially beating Brad to the literal punch. “Shut up, Michael’s a good kid,” she said. “He’s just on his way out of some bad circumstances.” Jack was pretty sure he was in the middle of bad circumstances, being a drug addict. Having the legal card wasn’t like a grand explanation— you could get one of those if you knew the right guy and had the right amount of cash. “Michael’s a good kid,” she repeated. “He’s gonna be okay. He’s gonna be okay.” Jack looked to her and saw she was watching Michael beyond him. He glanced back to Michael and saw the kids’ eyes were shut in sleep. That had been fast.

“Say shit about him again and I’m gonna punch you in the dick,” Brad warned casually from the chair again, book still in hand. “Emma won’t stop me, either. He’s a bit of a touchy subject with us.”

“Why?” Jack asked. “Because he could get ya’ll arrested?”

“Because he needs support,” Brad said firmly. “And the last thing he needs is assholes like you trying to tear him down.”

Jack just shrugged and started to sit up. Emma groaned, tried to pull him back down, but Jack was insistent. He’d barely been here a minute, but already felt unwelcome. He wanted to go back home and eat until his stomach hurt and pretend he hadn’t shoved his foot into his mouth so horrendously twice in a row. 

“Seán, don’t go,” Emma whined. “Brad wasn’t being a dick on purpose, he’s just a big ol’ brown bear when it comes to his cubs. He’ll put his teeth to your neck but he won’t take your throat.” Emma was pretty high right now. She used to be terrified of bears and snakes. “Have you seen Felix? He was so excited about this party. I’ll bet he’d love to see you.”

Jack stiffened at Felix’s name.

Emma sighed. “Did you fuck up, Seán?” she asked, her voice growing sleepy. “You know, he’s a good kid, too. You did a real number on him…” She reached up, tangling her fingers in Jack’s hair. “It’s funny,” she mumbled. “You look like you’re trying so hard to be someone else. New name, new hair, new friends. But the old you… He wasn’t that bad. At least he loved someone who loved him back.”

Jack swallowed hard, then gently disentangled her hand from his hair. “He was too scared to do a god damn thing for anyone,” he said. “He’s better off left behind.” Jack stood from the bed and Emma didn’t stop him. Brad kicked the door shut behind him. 

Jack trudged back downstairs, where the music had reached a much more melodic, simple tone. Jack could take in the words, and found he didn’t really like them. 

_Underneath it all, the truth_  
Is that I really feel like shit.  
I’m so sick of being tired,  
I’m so tired of being sick. 

Jack grimaced and reached the bottom of the stairs, the emptiness of the walls hitting him harder than before. He looked into the small crowd that was still dancing and saw Felix dancing, swaying from side to side, the lyrics falling from his lips with a bottle of alcohol in his hand that Jack thought was supposed to be put away so the cops wouldn’t find it. A girl was dancing in front of him, obviously trying to catch his attention with how she worked her ass against his hips, but Felix had his head turned upwards towards the ceiling and he wasn’t paying anything but the music his attention. 

“Hardly the song for a party,” Amy said as she passed by him, two cans of soda in her hands. “Mark and I are on the back porch. The dude really needs to take care of his grass, it’s the stuff of the jungle back there.”

“He look okay to you?” Jack asked, eyes still focused on Felix. Amy looked to what he was seeing, paused, judged, then shrugged.

“Looks the same as he always does,” she said, and if this was really how Felix always looked, in the halls of school and on the streets of town, then Jack was more than a little bothered. Felix had never looked like this back then. He’d never had this worn down expression, like he was too tired to bother to do anything anymore except slowly kill himself. There was a gauntness to his face that hadn’t been there only mere moments before, when Jack had last seen him. There was a slight tremor to his hands, like Michael’d had. 

Jack knew that he had done this. His comment about Felix’s mother, the only woman that had ever really mattered to Felix. He knew he shouldn’t have said that, and knew he should’ve said he was sorry even more, but pride was his downfall. Now Felix was singing to the ceiling with what looked like heartache in his eyes and Jack couldn’t stand it. Then the song ended and flew into another, one that began with some of the most melancholic chords Jack had heard in a while, and fuck, this wasn’t okay, Jack needed to fix this. 

He broke away from Amy and wedged his way through the guests. The song was another slower one, something by the same musician as before, Jack recognized the voice and he had a feeling that it wasn’t the type of music he wanted Felix to listen to if it brought this expression to the Swede’s face. 

Jack pressed himself between the girl and Felix once he was in the crowd and it took Felix all of a split second to realize he didn’t have the same warm ass of a girl on him. Felix snapped his eyes open and looked down at Jack, surprise written across his face, replacing that dulled emptiness of before. Jack set his jaw. He wanted to pull away and run and hide, but he was here. Leaving would make things worse, so he fought his instincts and stayed where he was. For Felix.

“Jack,” Felix breathed, staring down at him with wide eyes. Jack could see that the beautiful blue of Felix’s irises hadn’t changed at all. 

“Ye’ should change the song,” Jack said, ignoring any unsaid questions that could be hanging in the air. “This ain’t dancin’ music. Put it to somethin’ better, wanna actually have some fun and not hear this depressin’ shit.”

“Blackbear is pretty depressing,” Felix agreed, his voice a low mumble. He pulled his phone out of his back pocket and brought it up between their chests. Jack’s breath caught as Felix’s fingers pressed his thigh and hip bone, coming up gently over his stomach. The touch had been slight, just the barest of sensations through his shirt, but it was enough to remind him of how few inches separated their bodies. Felix’s gaze was on his phone, but Jack’s eyes were trained on Felix’s face. The subtle changes in his expression as he flicked through what was probably his playlist, the way the screen reflected off of Felix’s complexion and eyes. Felix’s tongue swiped against his lower lip and Jack’s eyes followed the movement like a sharpshooter’s. 

Jack bit his lip and ignored that instinct again— the voice in his brain telling him to run. He was doing this for Felix, after all. He’d been the one to make Felix look so fucking broken. He owed it to Felix to try and repair him. 

“What do you even listen to these days?” Felix asked, lips pursed in a frown as he tried to find something that Jack would like. “Still metal?”

Jack found himself smiling despite his racing heart. “Abso-fuckin’-lutely, Fe’. But I’m good with whatever the hell should actually be playing at this sort of thing. Just not that sad-ass shit.”

Felix smiled too, just the barest of grins. “Missed that nickname,” he murmured, before Felix heard the song finally change. This song had a lot more bass, sounded a lot more like a party song, and it was in the major key, so he had a lot more hope for it. The small crowd was already jumping, moving to the growing beat. Felix grinned wider down at Jack, giving him all of his attention as he started to dance like an idiot. Felix mouthed along to the simple words, spreading his legs and wiggling his entire chest in a display of stupidity. Jack laughed because he always did. He was dimly aware of that girl from earlier glaring daggers into the side of his head, and felt a surge of satisfaction like the one he’d felt back at the wedding. It didn’t matter what anyone had with Felix now; they would never have what Jack and Felix had been in the past. 

The beat suddenly dropped, and then everyone was jumping into the air around Jack. The kid behind him went fucking wild, jostling Jack and pushing him forward into Felix’s chest with little control. Felix laughed and caught Jack before he could fall to the floor, but kept dancing, singing along. “Never gonna leave, baby!” Felix cried out, a little too loud and off key. Jack could feel the vibrations of his voice through Felix’s chest

“Never gonna leave, never gonna leave!” Felix kept singing, holding Jack to his chest. Jack saw the bottle in Felix’s hand from saw it was half empty. The thought that Felix was drunk for this suddenly made his blood run cold. He reached down and snatched the bottle of Felix’s hand. His first thought was to throw it aside, or at a window. But then he looked up at Felix, at the smile that was directed at nothing, and the happiness that was in his eyes like he’d never been broken before. Jack… he didn’t want to ruin that.

So he threw back the bottle and didn’t even flinch at the taste of tequila, burning his throat. Felix let out a cry of excitement, like he was cheering Jack on, releasing Jack from his grip and steadying Jack on his feet. “Fucking chug it, you Irish fuck!” Felix all but screamed. “Get out the fucking vodka!” Everyone around them cheered. Jack finally put the bottle down and smiled blindingly bright up at Felix, proud of himself. He’d put that smile back on his face. That mattered more than anything.

They kept dancing and Jack fell into the familiar thrum of Felix moving with him, feeding off one another’s energy. Jack lost himself in the sensation of the bass and the frequent brush of his body against the other boy’s. If he shut his eyes and lied enough, he could pretend that they were back in the day, when they’d dance together in Felix’s bedroom to whatever latest shit they were into. 

Everything came to a head when Jack had to stop himself from tilting his head back and pressing their lips together. 

That was when Jack stopped dancing. He stepped back, pat Felix’s arm and gave him a shitty excuse about needing to go back home, he had a good time, thanks for the drink and the fun, don’t forget to turn it down. Then Jack was out of the crowd and finding Mark in the kitchen. He asked to go home and Mark dropped his conversation with a guy who had gages the size of Jack’s fist to gather up everyone else and leave the party. Jack was both grateful and regretful. Everyone else had been having a seemingly good time, but Jack had almost ruined everything in a matter of moments. He couldn’t be in this house much longer.

“That was fucking awesome!” Ethan shouted, eyes wild and his breath hanging in the air as they walked the short distance back to Jack’s house. “Oh my god, I totally almost got with this one girl, she was so fucking hot, and I can’t—”

“Shut up,” Tyler huffed, sounding put off. Kathryn snickered into her hand. 

“You asked her for her number three times and forgot you’d gotten rejected each time before,” Kathryn told Ethan, wagging a teasing finger in the air. “You weren’t about to get with anything, sweetie. But, it was fun.”

“It was awesome,” Amy agreed, hanging off of Mark’s side as they climbed Jack’s front porch steps. “What about you, Jack? You disappeared. Anything cool?”

“Just danced a little,” Jack said, keeping his expression stiff. 

“He was dancing with Felix!” Ethan sang, sounding really fucking annoying. Jack glared at him and Ethan immediately backed down, putting his hands in the air in surrender. “I mean, or someone. There’s a ton of supermodel status Swedish guys at our shitty school, could’ve been anyone. Definitely not Felix, though. Why would anyone ever dance with someone like Felix. Drugs at shit. Dumbass-ness could be contagious.”

“He doesn’t do drugs,” Jack huffed, unable to not defend Felix. “It’s just Michael. And he has a license, remember?”

“A license,” Ethan replied cooly with a slow nod. They all slipped into the warmth of Jack’s home. Even though it was much emptier than Felix’s, people-wise, it felt more comforting because Jack had pictures on the walls. “I mean. I have a license too.” Ethan pulled out his wallet and showed Jack his driver’s license. “Can I get weed with this?” He was playing dumb. He didn’t believe what he’d heard back in the house, probably. 

“Fuck off,” Jack grumbled, unable to falsify a jovial mood.

Mark pat his shoulder. “Hey,” he said in his deep, soothing voice. “Hey. He~ey.”

Jack frowned in confusion. 

“Wanna watch a movie, champ?” Mark asked. His voice was so kind it could almost be condescending. “Want some ice cream? We can have your favorite meal tomorrow. Maybe go to the park. Wanna feed some ducks?” Jack found himself cracking a grin against his will. “You wanna feed some ducks, don’t you?”

“Fuck off,” Jack said again, but this time there was a chuckle at the end. “And fuck you. A movie would be good.”

“Awesome,” Mark said. “I brought some stuff. I have Interstellar, or a Back to the Future marathon. Pick your poison.”

“Interstellar,” Tyler said. 

“Back to the Future!” Amy shouted.

“Have them fight to the death of it and we’ll watch the winner,” Jack said. “I’m gonna make popcorn.” 

He broke off into the kitchen. Jack braced himself against the counter and ignored the bass he could still hear through his house from next door. The fleeting moment, the desire to kiss Felix. It was still hanging in his mind, behind his eyelids, taunting him with what he could have done. Those red lips, they burned in his chest. Jack hated himself for still wanting this. He hated himself even more as he forced himself to realize that Felix probably didn’t want the same as him anymore. 

Jack had left. Jack had said he’d move on, but Felix had been the one to really do it. This was Jack’s fault. His fault. Jack dug his nails into the meat of his palms, making angry red crescents in the skin. He wished he had long enough nails to break the skin. 

This was Jack’s fault and he couldn’t kiss Felix.

“Jack!” Ethan called out from the living room. “Tyler’s a little bitch! We’re watching some Marty McFly, mother fucker!”

Jack ducked into the pantry and found the popcorn. He could put off his self-deprecation for a little longer. He needed to make the food and get on with the night so everyone else would fall asleep and he’d be left alone with his thoughts. Like he fucking deserved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:
> 
> "If I Could I Would Feel Nothing" by Blackbear
> 
> "Nobody Knows" by Mansionz
> 
> "Never Gonna Leave (DNMO Remix)" by Aryay


	5. Chapter 5

The next morning, Jack woke up too early.

He pried himself from the limbs of his friends, and made sure he didn’t wake Ethan, who’d had his entire head on Jack’s stomach like he was a pillow. The house was still warm, but there was light frost on the windows and his toes were cold regardless. He stepped lightly over the floor, casting a glance back at the others, who were all sleeping soundly. Kathryn’s foot was almost in Tyler’s mouth and Jack had to smile. He liked these people. They were good fucking people.

Jack went out onto his back porch and breathed in the crisp, cold, autumn air. His breath wafted out after him, that stupid cloud of air that blurred his vision. He sighed, sent more clouds up, and looked into the woods. He was pretty lucky to have his home be at the edge of suburban Athens. It meant there was no one behind him, no cars to drive past and light up through the windows, no noisy neighbors out back. He loved his backyard because it extended beyond the fence. 

Jack stepped down into the grass in his bare feet and curled his toes into the frigid needles. A smile drifted to his face even though the cold was close to painful. Sleep lingered in the corners of his eyes and he was a little sore. He felt pretty okay. It was surprising. He hadn’t expected to feel anything other than depressed as fuck after the night he’d had, lying in wake and agonizing over how he’d acting. His anxiety had been roiling in his chest and he still couldn’t forget Felix’s expression of emptiness during that one song. But he was into the next day and he was feeling much better. He would just avoid Felix and anyone connected to him and enjoy his Sunday.

The backdoor of the house next door smacked open and then shut. Jack looked to his left to see Felix step out into his own backyard, cross the lawn, and launch himself over the fence into the woods. He was wearing a face of cool determination and he had on running shoes. Jack watched in silent shock, cursing his bad luck. 

Felix paused, bouncing from foot to foot with his headphones on, looking down into his phone. Jack was angled behind him and had a pretty great view of Felix’s ass, and holy shit, did he have a pretty fucking great ass. Was Felix wearing fucking yoga pants? What the fuck.

Felix turned to do some stretches and stopped when he saw Jack. He was the closest representation Jack had ever seen for the phrase “deer in the headlights.” “What the hell, Jack,” Felix said. He pulled off his headphones. “It’s five AM. What are you doing up?”

“Could ask ye’ the same thing,” Jack said, trying to act like he was completely unaffected by the bulge in the front of those pants. “Next you’re gonna ask why I’m outside. To answer your question before ye’ ask it, it’s cause this is me backyard. I have a right to be here.” He’d been going for snarky. He ended up with total fucking asshole instead. 

Felix looked him over for a moment. “… Wanna go on a run?”

Jack made a face. Felix laughed.

“I’m guessing you still hate running,” he said, shaking his head. “It’s not that awful, Jack, you could enjoy it if you’re running with a partner. C’mon, just go with me for a little bit. I’ll walk if you still despise it.”

“I’m not goin' on a fuckin’ run with ye’,” Jack huffed, meaning to stand his ground. But then Felix put out his lower lip and widened his icy blue eyes, doing his best impression of a deformed dog begging for scraps. Jack felt himself take a step forward, fucking subconsciously intending to join Felix, but stopped himself. “Fe’…”

“I really have missed that name,” Felix said, his smile becoming reminiscent and almost sad. “No one else really calls me that. Michael sometimes. C’mon, Jack, just a quick run in the woods. For old times’ sake.”

What a fucking low blow. Except Jack had done his own low blow last night, with Felix’s mother, and he knew this was his chance to at least make up for how cruel he’d been. So Jack sighed, long and heavy, and then moved forward, easily jumping the fence. Felix cheered, threw his fist into the air, and tossed his phone and headphones over his own fence into his backyard. It was a sweet, familiar gesture. He and Felix had hardly ever had their phones when they’d been together. 

“I was gonna head towards the river,” Felix said, stretching his calves and drawing Jack’s eyes to his ass again. Jesus, it looked good, especially in the black material that was no better than a second layer of skin. His eyes followed the curve of Felix’s body, up his toned thighs to the swell of his butt and then the inward curve of his back. Jack chewed on his inner cheek. “Wait, Jack, you’re gonna need shoes.”

“Fuck shoes, we’ve gone barefoot,” Jack said, which was a definite truth.

Felix shrugged. “Not sure what the softies up in Ireland have done to you, Jack. Don’t really wanna have to carry you home on my back again.”

“That was once, and it was my ankle,” Jack shot back.

“My back was sore for days,” Felix lamented. “I had to go to a chiropractor. My dad put icepacks on it for me and you never said thank you, you just threw your lunch at me the next day when I gave you shit for it.”

“Cause ye’ fucking belted out that I’d made your back sore from ridin’ ye’ all night!” Jack cried out, grinning and throwing his hands into the air. “The fuckin’ teacher was right across the fuckin’ room, what the hell else was I supposed to do to get ye’ to shut up?”

“I just wanted some gosh darn gratitude, Jack,” Felix sputtered, pretending to cry. “Is that so much to ask?”

“It is when ye’ make it out like I was riding yer dick,” Jack huffed.

“That was the other night,” Felix said to brush it off. “Ready to run, no-shoes-McLoughlin?”

“Fuck off, ye’ Swedish bastard.”

“After you, you Irish fuck.”

They grinned at each other. For a moment, it was like nothing had changed. The world was cold and they were talking like idiots with one another. Felix reached out and rested a warm hand on Jack’s shoulder, the weight familiar. “Race you to the river,” he said, abruptly shoving Jack back a little. Then he turned on his heel and ran into the woods like a fucking deer or something stupid. Jack let out a cry of indignation before running after him, hardly slowed by his bare feet. He kept up with Felix easily, leaping over trees and roots that anyone else would’ve stumbled over while being unable to see in the dim forest. But Felix and Jack had grown up in these woods. They knew the trees like the other boy’s face.

At one point, Jack started to win. And Felix? Felix hated that shit. So Felix darted over some decayed log, pushed himself off a standing tree, and careened into Jack, knocking both of them into the dirt. Jack squawked and kicked out at Felix, shoving him off while Felix lost his shit. There were sticks and leaves in Felix’s hair as he rolled on the forest floor, peels of laughter falling out of him. He clutched at his gut and there were tears in his eyes.

Jack kicked his side. “Not that fuckin’ funny, ye’ idiot!” But Jack was giggling too. 

“You sounded like a fucking bird!” Felix wheezed out, still holding his arms around his torso. “Oh my god, you’re a parrot! Green fucking hair and everything!”

“Fuck off!” Jack shouted, still fucking laughing. 

“Can I call you Iago?” Felix asked, almost wiping tears from his eyes. His face was bright red. He sat up, moving through the underbrush on his knees towards Jack. When Felix reached him, the Swede reached out and started to brush the leaves and foliage from Jack’s shoulders. “I’m so sorry for taking you down, but jesus christ, that was hilarious. I’m gonna call you Iago.”

“Do that and I’ll fuck you up,” Jack swore. “Sides, I’ve got green hair, Mark’s got the red. He’s fucking Iago, ye’ fuck.”

“Your vocabulary has obviously improved,” Felix said, smirking and standing and pulling Jack up with him. “How many times can you put fuck in a sentence, in varying form? I’m really curious, Jack, this is for science.”

“Fucking fuck ye’ for fucking forever, ye’ fucking fuck fucker,” Jack deadpanned.

Felix snorted. “You can do better.” He wasn’t wrong. “But hey, Mark. He seems like a really nice guy.” Something changed in Felix’s voice, in his eyes. Jack looked to him, the rising sun filtering through the leaves, just barely illuminating him. The morning fog still clung to the trees. It felt like another world. Jack watched Felix swallow, eyes trained on the bob of Felix’s Adam’s apple in his throat. “He, uh. He your boyfriend?”

Jack raised a brow, wondering why Felix felt the need to ask. “And what if he was?” If anything, Felix only looked a little more put off. Jack knew he was being a dick. “Mark’s got a girlfriend, Fe’, ye’ met her the other night. Amy? The lovely blonde with the lovely eyes and the lovely laugh? She’s lovely.”

“Yeah, lovely,” Felix agreed stiffly. “But you and the guy with the red hair. Nothing. Right?”

“Nothin’.”

“What about the dude with the blue hair? Or the really strong one?”

“Why haven’t ye’ asked about Kathryn yet?” Jack asked, a little offended that Felix still thought he could be completely gay. Jack could’ve very well gotten himself a girlfriend. It wasn’t like he wasn’t desirable to the opposite sex. “I could be with her.”

Felix stiffened. “Are you?”

Jack smirked. “No.”

“Fucking asshole,” Felix grumbled.

“Why does it matter, Fe’?” Jack asked, thinking he knew the answer. When Felix didn’t answer immediately, Jack took to begging. “C’mon, Fe’, tell me! I wanna know, please?” Still nothing. “I‘ll suck your dick if ye’ tell me.” That only served to make Felix even more upset. 

“ _Du vet att jag alskar dig_ ,” Felix huffed, sounding grumpy. 

“What?” Jack frowned. “Fuck you, I don’t know yer fuckin’ Swedish bullshit. Don’t be an ass, Fe’.”

“You were already an ass,” Felix accused. “After I invited you on my run and everything!” Felix shook his head and made himself smile, walking ahead again. “C’mon, the river’s close, remember? I’ve been keeping it clean, there won’t be glass anywhere.” Felix cast a glance down to Jack’s bare feet. “Remember when a piece of a beer bottle went straight through your foot? Nasty shit.”

“Blood everywhere,” Jack said. “Ye’ cleaned it with your bare hands. I could’ve given ye’ AIDs.”

“Pretty sure you’d have needed to have sex to give me AIDs,” Felix replied. He walked through the trees and Jack followed, knowing where they were and where they were going. All those years ago, Jack and Felix had marked most of the trees with different symbols with their pocketknives so they wouldn’t get lost in the woods that had no paths. They’d used their knives in the trees. Wavy lines meant they were heading towards the river, triangles led back home, circles led deeper into the woods, and a slash through the bark meant they were headed towards food. They were following the waves, and Jack could hear the trickling water into the distance. 

“This place hasn’t changed much,” Jack said softly, looking to Felix for a moment. Felix shrugged and then the river was in front of them, lovely and clear and nostalgic as all hell. Jack grinned and slipped his toes into the cool water, letting out a long, heavy sigh and stretching his arms into the air as he let his body relax and his mind be at peace. He’d done this a lot as a kid. He’d used to think he’d end up as a meditating shaman in the mountains, back before he’d known video games were a fucking awesome thing. Still, there was nothing like the tranquility of this water. It made his chest for lighter and his lungs looser. 

Jack turned and saw Felix was watching him in a way he didn’t understand. He raised a brow at the other boy, then gestured for him to join him in the water. “As good as always,” he told Felix. “C’mon— it’s nice. Like shock therapy first thing in the morning.”

Felix barked out a laugh and moved towards him, stepping lightly and then toeing off his shoes. He shuffled into the water, standing beside Jack, hissing through his teeth. “Fucking cold, Jack, what the fuck, you fucking liar.”

“It’s so nice,” Jack moaned, shutting his eyes again and smiling. He could feel more of the sun on his skin the longer they stood there, letting the sun wake up with the rest of the world. Felix was a steady presence beside him. 

“I missed you.”

Jack opened his eyes and looked to Felix. “… Oh.” He hadn’t been expecting to have this conversation so soon. 

There was a naked ache in Felix’s eyes, like he was standing in front of Jack with his bones exposed, waiting and even expecting to be broken. “You just left, Seán,” Felix said, like Jack didn’t know what he’d done. “You drove away in the car and barely even said goodbye. You told me you couldn’t do it, and, and that was it. I was left standing in the middle of the street.” Felix tore his eyes from Jack, looking to the river. “I didn’t eat for three days.”

“Fuck, Fe’, what do ye’ want me to do?” Jack asked tiredly. “I can’t change the past.”

“No, but you can change the future,” Felix replied. “And right now, it seems like you’re doing your best to avoid me.”

“I went on a run with you.”

“I’m not fucking stupid, Seán.”

Jack winced and looked to the river with Felix. “I… I don’t know what ye’ want me to say. I’m sorry. I was a kid and I was scared, and I thought…” He sighed. “I thought that it was better to go. And stay away. And I still do, I think. So yeah, I’m avoiding you. And I’m going ta’ keep doing it until I’m sure that everything’s okay again. I don’t want to have another fucking staircase hell. I don’t want to feel that fear and disgust again.”

“You were disgusted by me?”

Jack looked to Felix, and Felix somehow looked even worse. This was like pulling teeth— agonizing and filled with regret, but needed to be done. “Disgusted by us,” Jack said. “What we’d done. 

“We were kids—”

“It was wrong to do.”

“We were in lo—”

“I was barely fucking fifteen, I didn’t know what I was feeling,” Jack interrupted harshly. Felix flinched like he’d been slapped, then looked to the water again. Nothing was said for a few long, tense moments. The world was silent around them, respecting their pain.

“… My mother left.”

Jack curled his fingers into fists. “Where’d she go, Fe’?”

“I don’t know,” Felix mumbled. “But she left. She couldn’t stand the sight of me. I’m pretty sure she went back to Sweden.”

“And yer dad?”

“He stayed. Thank god. But he has to work a lot, had to take a more demanding job. He travels all the time now, setting up stores and stuff and getting the employees ready. That’s really all that he does. He’s barely home. I just have that house to myself.”

Jack chewed on his cheek. “… I’m sorry, Felix.”

“It’s okay,” Felix told him, sounding like he was lying through his teeth. “Good to know that she wasn’t really wrong in her views of me. If you were disgusted, then why the hell wouldn’t she be too?”

“Felix, that’s not—”

“No, that is exactly what you said,” Felix cut in, voice sharp and ragged at the edges. Jack looked to him and saw tears in his eyes. “I’m disgusting. We’re disgusting. You said it and you can’t fucking take it back. The best thing that ever happened to me disgusted you and now you’re avoiding me after you fucking left me, but you’re back, you’re fucking back, Seán, and I can’t go around pretending you’re still not here, I can’t pretend like this, I can’t—” Felix cut himself off this time. He took a few steps away, out of the water, and wiped his eyes with the back of his arm. “This isn’t fair, Seán,” Felix said. “This isn’t fucking fair. At all. In fact, it’s actually pretty fucking sick.”

“Should I just do a better job of ignoring ye’, then?” Jack asked, wanting to know how to get that tortured expression off of Felix’s face. “I’ll go home. We won’t talk ever again.”

“I don’t want that!” Felix cried out suddenly, startling Jack and the forest. Birds flew from the trees around them in a burst of panic. “I don’t want you to leave me again, Seán,” Felix choked out. The tears were back, but Felix wasn’t trying to hold them in anymore. He let them flow freely down his face as he stared into Jack’s consciousness with those icy blue eyes. “I want you back. I want my best friend to be at my side again. We don’t have to be anything other than that, Seán, just the friends we were, I swear I’ll be happy with that, I’ll be happy with anything that lets me feel like I can say hi to you in the hallways and run to catch up with you when we walk home. I just…” Felix snuffled and tugged at his hair. “I. I want you back. I just want you back.”

Jack dug his nails into the flesh of his palms. “I don’t know if I can.”

“Why can’t you?” Felix demanded wretchedly. “She’s been fired, Jack, and no one really knows what happened. They won’t recognize us. They won’t judge us. We can be friends and literally no one will know the difference.”

“I will,” Jack argued weakly. 

“Just fucking lie to yourself like you’ve always done,” Felix snapped. “Because I think I deserve something that’s god damn good in my life.” He looked away. “Everything’s such shit, Jack.” There was something disheartening about Felix suddenly using Jack’s second name so suddenly. “After the car accident and then Michael… I just want something fucking good, and I know you’re it. You’re the only person who’s ever made a lick of sense in my world and I need you back, and I’m basically willing to do fucking anything for that at this point.”

“You used to be a lot more confident than this, Fe’,” Jack still tried to argue. He couldn’t just give in like everything was secondary just because Felix was begging and Jack had no spine of his own. “Ye’ didn’t need me like this before…”

“Maybe I did, “Felix shot back. “But I always had you, so I didn’t fucking know what it was like to not know, yeah? Maybe I would’ve been just as much of a fucking mess if I’d gone away to that shitty summer camp or if you’d spent that month with your grandparents. Maybe everything would’ve been just as fucked.”

“God, Felix, it’s fuckin’ unhealthy how fuckin’ codependent you sound,” but Jack was grasping uselessly at straws at this point, because whatever Felix felt like he needed from Jack was so obviously his own fault.

“Stop making me feel like a psycho for wanting my best friend back,” Felix choked out. “I’m not sick. I’m not, like, mentally fucked up or something, fuck, I don’t even know the word, but I’m not that, okay? I’m not insane, I’m not codependent. I’m not that. I just really fucking missed you and got absolutely no closure and my life is fucked, Jack, it just really is. You made it better. Is it so wrong for me to want that back?”

“We very near ruined our lives,” Jack pointed out. “If I’d stayed, imagine the fallout that would’ve come. How she would’ve told everyone. How the entire town would’ve known that we’re—”

“Except we never gave a fuck what this town has thought about us before, so fuck you for saying I would suddenly have cared then.” Felix shook his head and sat on the ground, looking out to the water. “Literally have never given a fuck what anyone thinks when it comes to you, Jack, and I can promise you that I never will. The world can go fuck itself for all I care, okay? It already kinda has. Nothing else has made this easier. Life was hell, life was fucking hell, until I saw you in that hallway, and then I felt, like, this horrible flare of hope. And that shit makes me sick, Jack, okay? I fucking don’t want to feel any good about any god damn thing, especially when you’re gonna hold out on me.”

“God, Felix, it ain’t the end of the world if you and I aren’t friends,” Jack sighed.

Felix shrugged and simply said, “it’d be the end of my world.”

Jack clenched his jaw. “See? Codependent.”

“Or just really, really missing my best friend,” Felix sighed. Then, he stood, brushing off the back of his pants. “It’s useless, isn’t it? I need to just stop fighting the inevitable and accept you. You’re done with me.” Felix looked to Jack, his eyes harrowed. He inexplicably looked years older. “I’m gonna go home, Jack. You can find your way back, right? You haven’t completely erased those memories either, right?”

“I know where we are, Fe’,” Jack said, letting all the fight drain from his body now that he knew this was over. He wouldn’t have to keep defending himself. He hadn’t really wanted to defend himself much longer in the first place. “Look, I…” He had to say something to keep Felix from looking so desolate. “I’m sorry.” That wasn’t good enough. Felix laughed like he was thinking the same thing. “I just… I’m scared.”

“You’ll get used to it,” Felix said. “Stay as long as you want and shit. Not my river.” Felix turned around and moved into the woods, away from Jack. Jack wanted to reach out, knew that his mind was screaming for him to do so, but he’d said it himself. He was scared. His hands shook at the thought of what he could have said. Of the mistake he could have made in that moment.

Jack turned around and went home, making sure to take the long way to avoid Felix. 

. . .

Mark was awake when Jack got back. He was in the kitchen, trying to figure out the coffee pot. When Jack stepped into the kitchen, Mark looked up and stopped what he was doing. “You don’t look so good,” Mark said. “Everything okay?”

“Ran into Felix and had a chat,” Jack said, going to sit at his table. He ran weary hands through his hair and sighed. “… Got into a fight. About us.”

Mark nodded slowly. “Why don’t you teach me how to use this thing while you tell me all about what happened?”

Jack got up and poured the coffee beans into the grinder, then switched the machine on after pouring in water and setting the pot at the bottom of the drop. Mark pursed his lips, looking a little put out. “That was way too easy,” Mark said. “Now I feel dumb as hell.”

“If it helps, me mum still can’t make a pot for shite,” Jack sighed. 

“You’re still going to tell me what happened, Jack.”

He grimaced. “Do I have to?”

“Pretty sure you do, since you’re noticeably more pale after already being really fucking pale in the first place. Not a good way to start your day, Jack. It’s bad for your soul.” Mark sat down at the table and waved Jack over. Jack sat down again. “So what happened?”

“Nothin’, Mark,” Jack sighed, even though he’d just told Mark that something had. “We just, we had a bad moment. We talked about stuff. Stuff that happened. I, uh, I found out what happened to his parents.” He looked up at Mark from under the green fringe of his hair and saw that Mark was watching him intently. “His mom left. Cause of…” Jack bit his lip. “Mark, I lied to ye’.”

“Did you?”

Jack nodded. “You were right. The boy under the stairs? It was Felix. We, we got caught together under the stairs, and he was the one who got hit, and he was the boy I left behind. It was all Felix.”

Mark nodded, smiling tightly. “Yeah, I’d figured.”

Jack swallowed hard. “Don’t. Don’t tell anyone.”

“I won’t,” Mark promised. “What happened?”

“What, under the stairs?”

“I know what happened there,” Mark said softly. “I want to know what happened this morning.”

Jack sighed shakily. “I just, I went on a run with him. We went into the woods, went to the river we used to go to all the time as kids, and then we just started talking. We talked about his parents and what I did and what we want and I just… I, I think I made a mistake. But I’m not sure which one of the things I did was the mistake, so I’m just really confused.”

“What are you thinking, Jack?” Mark asked. “Let’s walk through this. Step by step, till we figure it out.”

Jack shook his head. “I don’t know, Mark, I just know that things went so fucking wrong when we started talking about me and why I left.” Jack bit his lower lip. “He said he missed me. And I, I can’t do that. I can’t let Felix feel sad or shit, especially now that I know his mother basically fuckin’ disowned him. But I said I couldn’t change what I did, so he asked me to be his friend again and I… I said no.”

“You said no?” Mark repeated. “You… Why would you say no?”

“Because I can’t fuckin’ do all of that again,” Jack said. “Ye’ heard me, yeah? I still feel something for him, something that goes way too far to just be friendship. And if I let myself be friend with him again, then I won’t be able to control myself. I, I’m the one who’s the problem, Mark, I was the one to confess and first kiss him back then. I started all of this shit and I won’t be able to keep from starting it again because I lo—”

“You’re thinking too much,” Mark interrupted gently. “What do you want, Jack?”

Jack sat stiffly. “… I don’t know.”

“Yes you do. What do you want?”

“I don’t know, Mark,” Jack stressed. 

Mark looked him dead in the eye, his gaze unwavering. “You know what you want, Jack. Denying yourself is just going to make things a lot harder. And I don’t know about you, but ever since I’ve met you, it’s been just one giant gamble of whether or not you’ll see Felix and how badly you’ll react when you do. He’s basically all you’ve thought about since you got here and he’s all you’re gonna keep thinking about, whether you give in or not. So the sooner you do give in and let yourself have what we both fucking know you want, the sooner you’ll finally be able to live without constantly looking over your shoulder for him to be there, and being terrified of what you’ll do if he is.”

Jack sat there in silence. 

Mark paused. “You know I’m right, Jack. You’re tired of lying in wait. You’re anxious and on edge and fucked up over all of this. So you either leave again, or you let yourself have what you want. And if it turns into something more again? Then fuck it. And fuck everyone else. Especially Felix, but fuck him in the good way. Let yourself have this, Jack. It’s so, so stupid to keep denying yourself. You realize you’re gonna die, right? All of us are, horrible and blood and maybe a little too slow. You owe it to yourself to take what you want. And if you’re really so worried, I’ll make sure you stay friends. Okay?”

“Really?” Jack asked. “Ye’ll keep me from…”

Mark looked a little disheartened. “It’s kinda sad that you’re this afraid of being with someone,” he sighed. “But yes. I’ll make sure you don’t let yourself do anything if you really don’t want to.”

Jack looked down at his hands on the table. “… So do I apologize to him, or…”

“You go and find him and tell him you were wrong,” Mark said. “That you’ve had time to think and that you’ve missed him too. Tell him the truth. You owe him that, don’t you?”

“I do,” Jack agreed. “After leaving. I owe him a whole fuckin’ lot.”

“Then go back and apologize and let whatever happens happen,” Mark told him simply. “Everything will work out. You guys have already been through the ringer. The fact that Felix sees you as something worth fighting to have again really means that you two are meant to be together in some way, platonic or whatever. But not letting yourself have this is just torturing the both of you. Stop being a fucking idiot, Jack. Let it happen.”

Jack nodded, digging his nails into his palm again. “I’ll find him at school tomorrow. Could you, would you mind being there? For moral support and shit. And so he doesn’t, like, think I’m trying to keep it only between him and me.” He knew Felix. Doing this sort of thing without a witness would make it seem like Jack was purposefully keeping others in the dark so Jack could deny Felix in front of others if he had to. Felix could be a paranoid fucker.

“That sounds like a good idea,” Mark said patiently. “I’ll be there.”

Jack smiled shakily. “You’re a good friend, Mark. Thank ye’.”

Mark smiled and kicked him from under the table. “I’d start singing _If You Were Gay_ if I knew you weren’t so fucked up right now.”

Jack kicked him harder and smirked, feeling a little more like himself. Bets off for tomorrow, though. At least he knew he wouldn’t be rejected. “Wanna wake everyone up with the smell of bacon or an airhorn?”

“Oh my god,” Mark said. “Airhorn. Always an airhorn.”

Jack giggled and googled the soundbite, ready to wake the neighborhood.


	6. Chapter 6

“You’re strong,” Ethan was saying, staring into Jack’s eyes. “You’re brave. You’re at least level twenty-five in your charisma. You are the alpha, Jack, and you are the ultimatum. Take this moment into your hands, Jack, and crush it, crush it between your fingers, let it ooze out and get in your nails and know that you are the one and only, the original and amazing Jack fucking McLoughlin.” Ethan smacked the side of Jack’s arm. “Go get ‘em, tiger.”

“It’s a fucking vocabulary quiz, Ethan,” Tyler deadpanned. 

“Jack’s not from here, he can’t speak English.”

“Fuck you,” Jack snapped, kicking Ethan at the ankle. Ethan let out a cry and nearly dropped to the ground in his dramatic rendition of someone being shot. He reached out and held onto the front of Tyler’s shirt, keeping himself off the floor by nearly tearing the soft fabric. Tyler turned his face up towards the fluorescent lighting and looked like he was struggling with an overwhelming desire to shove Ethan away. 

“Jack will be fine,” Kathryn said. “I mean, he doesn’t read a lot, but he’s also, like, years ahead comparatively when it comes to the way the two different school systems work. He probably knows more than we do.”

“It’s a _Shakespearean_ vocabulary quiz,” Ethan stressed as he pulled himself away from Tyler, who looked relieved. “You’d fail it. Amy would fail it. Tyler and Mark would too. I wouldn’t, of course, but I’m basically the smartest kid in this entire school, so—”

“I’m ranked 7th, you’re 13th,” Kathryn interjected. “I’m literally proven to be smarter than you by the grading system.” Ethan squinted at her.

“I doth know not what thou is speaking, dear Katerina,” Ethan articulated slowly. Kathryn smacked his shoulder and he let out a whine of pain at the abuse. “Okay, okay, not Katerina. Ophelia. Or would you rather be Viola? A crossdressing badass that makes people fall in love on accident and question their sexuality. How’s that?”

“A little better,” she simpered, sounding happy with the analogy. “Except I’m happy with how I dress.”

“Of course, Lady Viola,” Ethan mocked, bowing low. “Or Cesario?”

“Ethan, stop while you’re ahead,” Mark advised.

The bell rang and Jack shouldered his backpack, looking to Mark before they all headed off. Mark shrugged, then winked, taking Amy by the hand and walking away. Jack watched them go, anxiety roiling in his gut. The plan was for Jack to hunt down Felix during lunch and talk to him then. Jack just had to get through this third period— with the dumb vocabulary quiz, how asinine—before they’d have lunch period. Jack wasn’t looking forward to lunch, to say the least.

The guilt was in his chest and dragging him down, like hundreds of heavy anchors on a single, tiny sailboat. He felt like he hadn’t slept in a week and there was a hollow point in his lungs that felt almost like a slow motion bullet tearing through his heart. He wished he wasn’t a coward. He wished he could have just reached out and said the right things back at the river. Maybe then he wouldn’t be haunted by the crack in Felix’s voice, the broken edge that rang in his eardrums. Jack hated himself a little more than he’d thought was possible yesterday. 

He got into his desk and aced the quiz, regardless of how Ethan kept trying to write all over his fucking paper. They watched _Much Ado…_ for the rest of the period, and Jack enjoyed it, because he always enjoyed Keanu Reeves. But the movie was hardly enough to distract himself and he ended up drawing a really, really shitty rendition of Felix on the corner of his notebook. There was a badly draw sort of scruff-slash-beard on him and his eyes were two different sizes, and this was why Jack didn’t make a habit of drawing often. Even if it did help his leg stop bouncing. 

“Oh my god, are you gonna ask him out?” Ethan asked in a scandalous whisper, looking to the drawing. He reached across the desk with a sharpie and draw a shitty, shaky heart around the drawing of Felix before Jack could react and stab his fucking hand. “Dude, you guys are cuter than a Disney movie,” Ethan sighed. “One day I’ll have my amazing romance with a mysterious, confident, tall, gorgeous Swedish man.”

“Ye’ fuckin’ wish you could bag yerself a Swede,” Jack snorted.

“I’m pretty sure Tyler has some sort of Swedish background,” Ethan mused aloud. “Think he’d let me taking him to the winter formal? Oh my god, are you gonna ask Felix to the dance? It’s really early, dude, by, like two months. But proactivity is a beautiful trait to have!”

“Ethan?” Ethan looked to him expectantly. “Shut up.”

Ethan sat back and was silent for a moment. “Are you okay, Jack?”

“I’m fine,” Jack replied. He was pretty sure Mark hadn’t told anyone what he was planning on doing today. Jack had never thought Ethan was this perceptive. “Just… I am going to talk to Felix today. About stuff. And I’m a little nervous.”

“Pretty sure you two can work it out,” Ethan assured him.

“I thought ye’ hated him. Drug addict and shit.”

“But you don’t think he’s awful, and my opinions are easily swayed by the opinions of others.” Ethan grinned at him. “Seriously, dude, if you think he’s a good guy, then who the hell am I to say otherwise? I don’t know him. I never have and I’m pretty sure I won’t, unless you two get over your issues and become best buds again. But really, if you say he’s not bad, then he’s not. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. I can tell, because you like us.” Ethan sat back, took his sharpie up again, and doodled a few more hearts around the shitty drawing of Felix. “And we’re great people, Jack. Don’t you forget it. That means Felix has to be pretty okay too.”

“Still don’t know what I’m gonna say,” Jack confessed. “Aside from a huge fucking “I’m sorry.” It’s the least I owe him.”

“Eh, it’ll come to you,” Ethan said. “Five minutes, though. Think fast, Jack!”

Jack groaned and denied himself the joy of smacking his head onto the desk. Ethan snickered and pulled out his phone. “I’m gonna text Kathryn and shit, tell them not to wait up for you guys,” he explained. The bell rang and Ethan gasped in something like excitement. “Wow, less than five minutes! Go get ‘em, tiger!”

“Ye’ve said that,” Jack said with a heavy sigh, peeling himself from his seat. He and Ethan led the classroom, and Ethan waved Mark down when he saw the other kid down the hall. Ethan pat the side of his arm with a grin. 

“Seeya on the other side, Jack.”

Jack watched Ethan go with envy as Mark came up beside him and pulled him in the opposite direction. “So, I asked around, and people were telling me that they eat in the band room and shit, which is pretty cool! I’m in band, I guess they are too. Someone told me that one of them practices during lunch.” Mark pulled him down a flight of stairs, because apparently part of this school was underground and Jack had never known. “It’s all preforming arts down here,” Mark explained. “Underground cause it’s better for the sound and shit. Band, choir, and then, like, two-d and three-d art. Really, all artsy things are ostracized down into the dungeon. But it’s nice, cause none of the other students really bother us.”

“What do ye’ play?” Jack asked.

“Trumpet,” Mark replied, grinning.

“Cool. I’m drums.”

“Percussion?”

“Nah, just drums.”

Mark nodded. Jack could hear the faintest sound of laughter along with the strumming of a guitar and the melodic sound of a flute. “Is that them?” Jack asked. Mark shrugged and peered through the windows of one of the double doors that probably led to one of the band rooms. The laughter continued, sounding a lot like Felix this time, and Jack tensed. “Fuck.”

“I see them,” Mark said. “There’s a girl in there, I don’t know her, but it looks like they don’t really know her either. They’re practicing on opposite ends of the room, so…”

“Who’s practicing?”

“Felix has the guitar, I’m going to assume it’s him,” Mark said. “I didn’t know he could play.”

“He barely could before I left,” Jack mumbled. 

“Well, looks like he can now.” Mark turned to him. “You ready?”

“Why the fuck am I making a big deal of this?” Jack asked. “Why the fuck am I so freaked out? I’m literally apologizing, something I should’ve done ages ago. I’m actin’ like this is the end of me world, it’s fuckin’ dumb, when all I’m doin’ is being the good fuckin’ person I should’ve been.” Jack tugged at his hair and made a face. “I’m a shite person, Mark. And I really don’t deserve yer, like, concern and understanding. Ye’ really should just be kicking me in the ass and tellin’ me to get it done.”

“Except that would make me an dick,” Mark snorted. “And you have your own problems. Just say you’re sorry and it’ll be fine. Unless you think Felix won’t forgive you?”

Jack didn’t want to think about that.

Mark watched him. “Get in there, Jack. The suspense is killing me. Really.” He sounded so sarcastic that Jack almost laughed. He sighed and pushed open the doors, shoving himself into band room with little grace. The girl looked up when he nearly stumbled over one of the rises on the floor, frowning at him for disrupting what was probably an amazing flute solo or an accompaniment or something pretty. He winced and waved sheepishly. She only narrowed her eyes and went back to what she was playing with a huff.

Michael and Felix were off in the corner, Felix facing away, Michael watching Jack. The Austrian made no move to let Felix know Jack was behind him, preferring to observe first, like he was weighing the merits of a possible threat. Jack shuttered a breath and waved again. Michael kept watching him. 

Felix was bent over an acoustic guitar, fumbling his way through a song and mumbling curse words to himself every time he fucked up. Mark stood beside him, nudging Jack forward gently. “Just do it,” Mark said. Felix started and sat up sharply, turning around to see who had spoken. When Felix saw Jack, his face schooled itself into an expression of nothingness. It was funny, because Jack had never known Felix to be able to hide what he was feeling so well. 

“Hey, Jack,” Felix said. “What’re you doing? Thought we were trying to pretend I didn’t exist?”

“I deserve that,” Jack said, wishing he could hide from the harsh glare Michael was suddenly directing at Jack. “I do, Fe’, I really, really fucking fucked up yesterday, and I get that, okay? I, I said a lot of shit that was wrong to say and I didn’t even fucking mean half of it, so…”

“So what?” Felix asked, still showing nothing. Jack hated not being able to read Felix. “You’re scared, right? That’s what you said. Except you have always been fucking scared of shit, you’ve always been terrified of going around dark corners and going into the quarry and all this dumb shit. You’re literally always afraid, and yet that’s never stopped you from doing something you enjoy or care about or fucking whatever, and I’m just now figuring out that I’m not on your list of things you’re willing to be scared for.”

“God, Fe’, that really isn’t what I meant,” Jack started to plea, ringing his hands together. 

“Then what the fuck did you mean?” Felix demanded. “Because you weren’t saying a whole lot of jack fucking shit back there and you seemed pretty okay to just let me walk away and feel like absolute fucking garbage.”

Jack bit his lip. “I’m sorry, Felix.”

Felix frowned. “What?”

“I, I said I’m sorry.”

“I know, I heard you, just…” Felix cracked a disbelieving grin. “Don’t you remember how hard it used to be to get to you to apologize for fucking anything? Same with me. We’d just fucking fight and give each other the silent treatment till someone caved, I wasn’t expecting…” Felix trailed off, looking to the floor for a second. “I, uh, have no idea what to do from this point. Literally never thought I’d get an apology.”

“Ye’ could accept it,” Jack said, trying to match Felix’s smile with one of his own. “Just accept the apology and let me stop feeling like shit.”

Felix’s expression became guarded again. “And if I do, does that mean I’ll have to go back to not existing to you?”

“No, never,” Jack denied, shaking his head. “I, I was wrong to say I needed that, and I mean sorry when I’m say that I’m sorry. I’m not going to ask you to not exist anymore because I-I really fucking…” He swallowed hard. “… I missed you too, Fe’.”

Felix frowned. “Really?”

“Ye’ really think I haven’t?” Jack asked, a little hurt but not surprised. “I did, Fe’, and I have for ages. I didn’t, I didn’t enjoy leaving. I wasn’t happy to be away from ye’. I wasn’t rejoicing the solitude or the loss, I was, I felt empty without you. Detached. Nothing was enjoyable anymore and I just locked myself in my room and numbed myself with video games and shit, and I can see that you didn’t do much better, and Mark helped me realize. I know now.”

“Know what?” Felix asked, casting his eyes to Mark with a little suspicion. “What did he say?”

“He made me realize how fucking stupid it is to be keeping myself away from you when we’re just about fucking destined to be friends,” Jack sighed. “I fought it, and I fought as hard as I could, yet all it did was exhaust me and leave me on fuckin’ empty. And I know it’s wearing you down too. So you and I are better off being whatever we are and Mark helped me realize it. That’s all.”

“So everything comes down to us being codependent again, huh?” Felix asked. 

“No codependent,” Mark cut in, sounding calm. Jack was relieved because he was floundering. He really didn’t know how to make Felix understand that he had rethought everything he had said yesterday. “You can know you’re meant to have companionship with someone without needing to be emotionally or physically dependent on them. There’s nothing wrong with needing someone so long as you don’t abuse that need.”

Felix narrowed his eyes at Mark. “Have you been feeding Jack words or am I really supposed to believe he just changed his mind overnight? Because I meant what I said— Jack is the most stubborn asshole I’ve ever known. He would sooner lie than apologize. I find it hard to believe that you were able to make him say anything like that and mean it.”

“I completely understand your trepidation in trusting him,” Mark said, still sounding so fucking serene. “He’s said and done things in the past that would make you justifiably wary. But Jack is being entirely sincere. He’s sorry and he wants you back.” Jack winced at how hokey that sounded, but he wasn’t about to complain when Mark was helping him. “Jack is genuine. And he’s not above doing something he’s apparently never done before and apologize. If anything, his willingness to own up should clue you in to how serious he’s being.”

Felix was still watching Mark like he’d watch a chess match. Michael’s legs were fidgeting, his lower lip being abused between his teeth. “Felix, I—” When Felix turned sharply to look to Michael, the kid faltered. “Uhm. Sorry.”

“No, it’s fine, what’s wrong?” Felix asked in a rush.  
“I just don’t like,” and Michael waved his hand at the three of them. He looked like a mess, a very different person than who Jack had seen when he’d first walked in here. “Could, could I leave? If that is okay? I will call you—”

“We can go,” Felix said, standing and slinging his bag over his shoulder and taking his guitar by the neck. “We’ll go. Okay?” Felix smiled down at Michael, soft and reassuring. Then he looked to Jack and Mark. “I. I’ll think about it.”

“That’s it?” Jack asked, but Mark held up a hand to keep him from talking.

“Thank you for listening,” Mark said, stepping aside so Felix and Michael could leave the room. Jack made a face of incredulity at Mark, flabbergasted as to why he’d let them leave. Mark waited until the door was shut. Jack realized the girl with the flute was still steadfastly practicing. “You can’t really expect him to just forgive you in five seconds, Jack,” he told him almost sadly. “Not after what you did.” And Jack knew that, but god, he wished he could fast forward to Felix accepting him again. Now that Jack was going to let himself be around Felix again, he found himself needing it like a pitiable drug addict. 

“I guess,” he grumbled, looking away. “… Do you think Felix and Michael are dating?”

“Almost positive,” Mark replied without hesitation. “Seriously. They are never apart. It’s almost laughably obvious that they’re together. I’m pretty sure someone saw them necking at a party last year, but don’t quote me on that, considering Felix definitely doesn’t date anyone, so who fucking knows.”

“I hope they’re not,” Jack grumbled. Where Jack was stubbornness and harsh insults, Michael was fragile and shy and obviously fucked up in some way that required medication. Felix liked being a caretaker. Having a project like Michael had to be a lot more fulfilling than the usual camaraderie he would have with Jack.

Then again, Jack and Felix was basically brothers. He could mean more to Felix than Michael and never need to ask.

“Wether or not they’re together doesn’t mean you have the right to be upset with him if he is,” Mark told him. “To be frank, Jack, you’ve lost the right. I’m your friend and shit, which means that I can tell you the hard shit. Which means I’m going to tell you that you absolutely need to understand hat you were the one to cut yourself out of his life. You can’t just expect to be able to fall back in like nothing happened, because a whole lot of shit did happen, and you weren’t there for it all by choice.”

Jack wished he could disappear. He ducked his head and grimaced, tugging at his hair again and wishing he could tell Mark to stop telling him what he already knew, except Mark was right. Jack had been hoping to just fall back in, despite what he knew he really deserved from this. “I just want things to be like they were,” he confessed, even though that was a horrible lie. The lie was simpler than what he was really feeling. 

“Thanks for being here,” Jack sighed. “Could’ve been worse, right? Ye’ know how to talk better than me.”

Mark just pat him on the high of his back. “I’m hungry. Think we’ve still got time to get some tater tots? I would fucking love me some tater tots right now, and I can’t imagine an Irishman ever turning down a potato product.”

Jack was too worn down to take offense. He just rolled his eyes with a grin and they left the flautist to her own peace and quiet. 

. . .

Jack awoke in the middle of the night, panting and shaking and staring at the ceiling with adrenaline screaming for him to run. He couldn’t remember most the nightmare, couldn’t imagine why he’d even had one. Jack hadn’t had a nightmare since his first year in Ireland, he hadn’t woken up like this in at least another year, he’d hadn’t…

Jack struggled for shaky breath and ran his hands over his face. He felt wired. He felt like he was going to vibrate out of his skin. The uncomfortable swell of anxiety built up in his chest like vomit in his throat and he couldn’t make himself just calm down and breathe like a god damn normal human being and this wasn’t fucking fair, he was supposed to be past this, he was supposed to be better, he was supposed—

Jack had his phone out and was texting Felix before he could make a better decision. He’d always reached out to Felix for his nightmares, had only suffered in the darkness when he’d been in Ireland. The thought of facing that horrible, aching fear he’d felt after the nightmares with no one to comfort him was like facing a slow death right now. He didn’t care what he’d done or anyone had said, he couldn’t lie idle and wait for the walls to cave in around him. He half expected Felix not to answer as he wrote his message, something short and simple. _remember when i used to have nightmares?_ That was all he said, all that would usually need to be said. He would just text Felix an SOS, often a garbled message because sometimes his hands had shook too much to really get anything readable out, and that would be the end of it. Felix would come over and everything would end up okay. Jack would sleep the last few hours of the night.

Except Jack wasn’t sure that was going to happen tonight. What had happened in band room B plagued his mind just beyond the nightmare. He didn’t know if Felix would ever take him back, even though Felix had been begging for it only days before. It felt wrong to assume that he’d just be accepted with open arms. 

He knew he didn’t deserve it. There was another sickness in his stomach now, next to the anxiety, a need for acceptance and knowing that he would never, ever receive, or he shouldn’t, at the least. There was no way Felix would respond, and Jack would never hold it against him. He just needed to have known he tried.

Jack’s phone lit up with a message.

_10 mins unlock ur window_

Jack threw himself off the sweaty sheets and unlocked his window, as told. He glanced down at the roof of the front porch to make sure it still seemed stable enough for Felix to climb, then started to tidy up his room almost feverishly, like he had someone to impress. He didn’t want Felix to trip over his pants in the dark, though. He was just looking out for the Swede, not trying to leave an impression. 

He lied flat on his back on his bed and squeezed his eyes shut, clutching to the sheets and forcing himself to calm down. Now that he was lying horizontal, he felt dizzy, and still short of breath. The momentary reprieve that came with preparing for Felix’s visit was gone now and he obsessed over what he could remember of the nightmare. The fear surged upwards in his throat again and a softer whimper sounded in the room that startled Jack up until the moment he realized it had come from him. He opened his eyes and suddenly noticed the tears, the stupid tears that came when he was genuinely afraid. 

Being afraid was the stupidest emotion. It made him feel childish and helpless, especially when it was his own brain’s fault. Nightmares were basically the dumbest evolutionary aspect of humans. It deprived him of sleep and general happiness and health. There was no redeeming quality to nightmares. No survival, no reason to induce fight or flight, no fucking point to any of it. It was just fear. Uncontrollable trembles of his hand and the need to pull out his own fingernails for no fucking reason. He did stupid things when he was scared. The entire world had to know that by now. 

There was a thunk against glass, and Jack cried out in surprise regardless of the knowledge he had. Felix made a face at him as he climbed in through the open window with a backpack slung over his shoulder. He didn’t seem very happy, but Jack really couldn’t have imagined him to have a reason to be. Not when he was coming over in the middle of the night to help someone who had only hurt him. 

“Don’t fucking scream, you’ll wake your parents,” Felix grumbled, feet settled on the floor. He opened up his backpack and pulled out his laptop. “We’re watching _The Room_ because I’m mad at you right now.”

“Thank ye’ fer comin’,” Jack mumbled, unable to look at him as he moved to the left side of his bed.

“Yeah, well, I really was always bad at saying no to you,” Felix sighed. He sat atop the sheets on the other side of the mattress, shoes on and all. He lied his laptop across his legs and brought up the movie. “This is my favorite film,” he told Jack idly, reaching into his backpack again and pulling out a container of Oreos. “I’ve watched it so many times. I have the soundtrack on my phone.”

“I heard this was a shitty movie,” Jack said, turning onto his side to better see the screen and mushing his face into his pillow. 

“It is definitely a shitty movie,” Felix agreed with an audible smile. “I love it.”

“Ironically, right?”

Felix didn’t answer, and pressed play. The dramatic song of the opening sequence with the myriad of shots of San Fransisco fill Jack’s senses and after a few minutes the shaking, finally, started to calm. Jack was lulled into a state of calm, something even the ridiculous drama of the movie couldn't disturb. Felix was warm and Jack shifted closer to his body more and more as the movie progressed. Felix would randomly point out little details about the moving and the filming behind it, all of these random facts that keyed in on Felix’s intelligence. Jack soon ended up with his forehead against Felix’s hip, his head angled upwards to see the screen. Felix had his arm lingering just over Jack’s side. 

It was comfortable. It was familiar. It was what Jack needed. He fell asleep during what had to be the fourth sex scene and didn’t have another nightmare for the rest of the night.

. . .

He woke up to the new sun and Felix shifting beside him. 

Felix was asleep with his neck turned at a horribly awkward and painful angle because he was still sitting up, back to the wall like he’d been the night before. He was snoring softly. His hair was a mess and there was this slack look to his entire body. Jack couldn't help but smile. He liked seeing Felix so relaxed and vulnerable because it meant that he wasn’t as sad as he’d looked these past few days. And it also meant that he still trusted Jack enough to be around him when he was defenseless. 

The morning was quiet, as it always was in the edge of the suburbs in Athens. The cold of the night still clung to the edge of Jack’s still-open window. He hoped neither he now Felix would catch cold from that goof. Jack sighed and dropped his head back down onto the pillow, ready to get a few more minutes of sleep. His alarm went off a split second later, loud and unpleasant. 

Beside him, Felix flinched and then groaned, waking up harshly. “Fuck, turn it off,” he grumbled. “Why the fuck is your volume so high?”

“Sorry, sorry,” Jack said, fumbling with his phone to shut it off. When the alarm finally ceased, he dropped back onto the mattress with a breath of relief. “God, I hate that. I want a rooster to wake me up instead of that shit. Alarms have to be bad for me health.”

Felix chuckled and stretched his neck, grimacing a little. “Okay,” he said. “Time to get up.” He moved off the bed and started to pack up his bag. Jack watched him, feeling a little lost. Was this it? Had Felix only come over for the nightmare and now decided he was done? Jack wanted to ask, but he felt like he didn’t have the right. 

Then Felix raised a brow at him when he saw Jack wasn’t getting up. “Do you not want a ride to school?”

Jack rolled out of bed to quickly get ready, letting his actions be his response. Felix chuckled again, mussing up his own hair in the reflect of the window. “I’m leaving in ten minutes,” he told Jack. “You gonna be ready by then?” Felix stripped off his shirt to put on deodorant and Jack had to stare, he fucking had to, but not because Felix was gorgeous without a shirt. 

It was because there was a large, jagged, pink scar between Felix’s shoulder blade and spine on his back. 

He couldn’t look away, so when Felix turned to face him, obviously expecting an answer, Jack was able to see the larger scar in the same spot on the front of Felix’s body. Like he’d been fucking impaled. The breath was stolen from Jack’s lungs and he felt shaky all over again.

“Dude, you okay?” Felix asked with a frown. He glanced down and saw where Jack was staring. The frown fell away. “… Don’t worry about it, Seán,” he said softly, pulling his shirt back on and breaking Jack’s horrified reverie. “I’ll tell you about it later.”

“Holy shit,” was all Jack could say, blinking a few times to bring himself back to earth. “I… I don’t even have the right to know, do I, Fe’?” The idea was hollow. “I don’t have the right to know.”

“It’s way too early for this,” Felix told him. “Just, like, put your shit aside, okay? You’re reading way too much into this.” Jack stared at his feet, almost sure that Felix was wrong. Jack was reading into it perfectly well.

“It’s fine,” Felix reiterated. “Are you gonna be ready?”

Jack nodded and stumbled off to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He got dressed and ready for the day on autopilot, not letting himself think. His mind still felt a little numb from the nightmare and now the image of Felix’s scarred torso. Aside from the mark, Felix looked amazing. He was toned like a runner and pale and spotless. There had always been something gorgeous about Felix, and now Jack got to see the maturity in it. Rather than the skinny, pretty boy of Jack’s childhood, Felix was just plain attractive now. If anything, the scar was a blessing. It made Felix seem a little more mortal. Like some sick god had decided Felix was too beautiful, and had scarred him to even the playing field for the rest of the humans. 

Jack found himself blushing as he flossed and quickly derailed that train of thought. He needed to get ready, and he definitely didn’t have time for a cold shower. Also, no. He refused to let himself go down that path again and ruin everything he was looking to repair. 

“Jack!’ Felix whined from behind the door. “I wanna go!”

Jack got dressed in the bathroom and didn’t look Felix in the eye as he left the bathroom. They left the house and got into Felix’s truck. The town was still mostly asleep. Felix rolled down the windows and Jack stuck his hand out the window as Felix navigated the tight streets. “Michael’s over at Brad’s,” Felix said as he fiddled with the radio waves. “We’re picking him up, then heading to school.”

“This a habit?”

Felix nodded as he settled on some rock channel. “I always take him to school. See how he is and stuff, if we think he can get through the day. Depending on that, we go to school. If he can’t, we just stay at Brad’s and get him through it.”

Jack made a face. “What the fuck happened to him?”

“Not my place to say,” Felix replied instantly. “Holy shit, do you hear this?”

Jack turned his attention to the radio, frowning at the familiar song. 

“ _Home_ ,” Felix sang along with a bright smile. “ _Let me go home… Home is wherever I’m with you._ ” Felix looked to him, still smiling. “Dude, this used to be our song! We fucking played it over and over again, oh my god. You brought your fucking CD player on that one hike and we turned the volume all the way up so we could hear it through the headphones. There was that mudslide and shit. God, that was amazing.” Felix turned back to the road with something wrong in his eyes. “ _La, la, la, take me home… Honey, I’m coming home!_ ”

Jack quickly turned to the window. His throat was threatening to close up completely. He couldn’t let himself remember the moments that were attached to this song, the moments of closeness. How they’d lie on the roof of Felix’s house in the middle of summer, wearing only their boxers, listening to this song over and over. Or the time they’d spent the whole day trying to build a rope swing for their river, or maybe when they’d gone to the state fair and the local band had a played a cover to the song while Jack had spilled his lemonade all over Felix’s clothes to give him a break from the heat. Maybe the time they’d gone swimming in the far neighbor’s pool while said neighbor had been away and they’d soaked in the cool water well into the next AM. Maybe it was when Jack had driven his first dingy motorcycle to this song, or when Felix had broken his wrist falling out of a tree. 

Maybe it was because Jack couldn’t hear a chord from this song without thinking of Felix. Like one of Pavlov’s dogs. And know Jack couldn’t stand to hear this song, he hadn’t heard it since leaving. Hearing it now. After seeing the scar. The walls of the truck seemed too close for him to be able to breathe right.

But Felix was enjoying the song. He’d sped right through the part that he and Jack would usually trade off on, their little conversation. At least Felix hadn’t expected him to recite it as they normally would’ve. Then it was onto the next song like Jack’s entire day hadn’t been fucked violently in the ass. “This station sucks ass,” Felix said. Jack didn’t even recognize the song that was playing now that made Felix judge the channel, but he definitely didn’t argue as Felix changed it. 

“Okay, so, when I pick up Michael, you should probably expect him to be a little freaked out by you being in the truck,” Felix said. “He’s, like, a creature of habit these days. He likes consistency and he hates surprises.”

“He must hate that I’ve come back,” Jack mumbled, trying not to sound bitter.

“Oh my god, you jealous bitch,” Felix deadpanned. Jack only knew he was joking because Felix never used an even voice for anything but a lame joke. “You should say hi and answer his questions how you want if he has any, but don’t be freaked out if he stares at you a bit. He’s also probably gonna press himself against the door. He won’t jump out, though, he learned his lesson from the last time.”

Michael was starting to sound like a fucking basket case of a human being. 

“Maybe you’ll see Emma,” Felix added as he pulled down a long, dirt driveway just off the road. The trees were hanging low and scraping the the top of Felix’s truck. There was sunlight filtering in through the leaves. The radio was playing something more gentle and Jack and Felix sat together in an unfamiliar, companionable silence as they approached the run down, yet homey residence of Emma and Brad. There was a nice red car and a truck that looked worse than Felix’s in front of the opened garage. There were a ton of random parts and a motorcycle and a large, covered canvas inside.

Emma came out from the front door and waved them down, running out to meet the car. Felix frowned but parked in front, rolling down his window. “Hi Jack,” Emma greeted a little breathlessly, before turning her attention to Felix. “It’s, uh, not a good morning.” 

“What happened?” Felix asked, suddenly sounding years older. His hand fell limply from the steering wheel to his lap. “God, I just… Is it, like, a regression? Cause he was getting better. At the party—”

“He just freaked out a little when the neighbors started shooting a BB gun, it’s not that bad,” Emma placated. “He’s gonna have a hard time, but he’ll be okay. So we should all be patient and maybe keep the loud noises to a minimum.”

Felix nodded, just sitting slumped in his seat. “Was it a long night?” Jack looked at Emma, really looked at her, and saw the bags under her eyes, the bloodshot redness, the way her hair looked greasy and too flat to her head. “We really need to consider some sort of therapist, Emma,” Felix hedged. 

“We’re doing fine on our own,” she said stubbornly. 

“Em, if these attacks get worse…”

“He’s fine,” she said firmly. 

Felix sighed. “Are we leaving?”

She nodded and smacked the door of the truck. “Nice to see you, Jack! You should come over after school too and have dinner with us. Invite whoever you want, too, it’s always nice to have company. We were gonna have a bonfire tonight and stuff.”

Jack smiled a bit. “Ye’ve always known have to get me, Emma. Fire and food.”

She smirked. “Invite your boyfriend. Mark. I wanna meet him.” She was gone before Jack could correct her. Felix looked a little put off, but he didn’t say anything. He brought his hands back up to grip the steering wheel, white knuckling it. Jack bit his lip, not sure what he was supposed to say.

“You heard her, Jack,” Felix mumbled. “No loud noises.”

Michael climbed into the backseat and stopped with his backpack halfway down his shoulder when he saw Jack. There was this moment of visible panic on his face before Michael blanked out his expression, sitting stiffly and staring straight ahead. It was like there was a rhubarb pipe up his spine and it looked like the most unnatural thing Jack had ever seen. 

“Hey, Michael,” Felix greeted, trying to go for neutral. “You good?”

Michael nodded, stiff as a cyborg. 

“Jack’s here,” Felix said, stating the obvious. “I was over at his last night, it’s why I left early.”

Michael nodded, still staring out the front window.

Felix worried his lower lip. “… You smoked today?”

“Emma says she wants to ween me off of it.”

“Fuck that. Jack, open the glove compartment.” Jack did as Felix told him to, not all that surprised when he found a pipe and a baggie of weed. There was a lighter, too— it had a man’s chiseled, bared chest across the front. His nipples were tiny and Jack snorted a laugh. Felix grinned too. “Ever packed a bowl, Jack?”

“Never,” Jack replied. He was a little proud that he didn’t know.

“I can do it,” Michael said from the back.

“Nah, nah, Jack needs to learn to be a gangster,” Felix explained. “Okay, so take the big chunk and break it into smaller pieces and pack those smaller pieces as tightly as you can into the bowl. Be sure to make them about a millimetre around, yeah? So pretty fucking small, cause you want it all to burn.” 

Jack frowned, but picked off of the larger chunk, pushing it as tightly as he could into the bowl. It was clear glass with pink and green strings of color swirling around inside. The inside of the bowl was a dark color, all residue from the times it had been used, he was sure. His fingers smelled terrible once he was done. “Hand it back to Michael with the lighter,” Felix said. “Michael? The whole fucking thing. You have a test in Bio today and you really, really can’t afford to miss it.”

“Emma will be angry,” Michael said, though he took the bowl from Jack regardless.

“Emma doesn’t have to see you at school,” Felix argued. “She doesn’t know, yeah? So we’re just gonna fucking ignore her shit until we get you home. Because I really, really hate thinking about how fucked up you get while I’m not in your classes.”

Michael rolled his eyes as he flicked on the lighter, but Jack could barely make out a smile, too. Michael rolled down the window and started to smoke, letting the smoke blow out the window, right as a cop drove by. Jack tensed, waiting for the sirens to start, but nothing happened. Jack even saw the cop fucking look at Michael smoking out of the window at a stoplight, but he didn’t do anything. And last Jack had checked, marijuana wasn’t legal in Georgia. 

“Cops know my truck,” Felix told Jack. 

“They know Michael?” Jack demanded, still bewildered. “What the hell?”

“It’s complicated, Jack…”

“I was kidnapped this summer by my neighbor.”

Jack wasn’t sure he heard that right. He turned in his seat to face Michael, who was still nonchalantly smoking like he hadn’t dropped some sort of bombshell. Felix’s knuckles were white again. Michael met Jack’s eyes and nodded. “It, it was in August. I was gone for five days. He had large property.”

“Oh,” was all Jack could get out. He stared at the pipe in Michael’s hand. He couldn’t… his brain wasn’t working. 

Michael nodded again. “They say I have the PTSD and, and things. I don’t live with my parents because they refuse to press charges. There is money things.”

“Are you…” But asking if Michael was okay was probably the lamest thing he could ask. Of fucking course Michael wasn’t okay, he was smoking weed to deal with the trauma and he couldn’t handle he sound of a BB gun, there was literally no way he could be considered remotely okay. August was barely two months ago. Jack was amazed that he was going to school. “Parents are shitty,” Jack settled on instead. It got a grin from Michael.

“Is okay. Felix is my dad and Emma my mother now.”

Jack’s eyes strayed to his own bag. “… I have some Bio notes of my own. Ye’ need ‘em? I copied a lot from Mark and he’s a fucking genius, so the notes are gonna be awesome.”

“I would appreciate that,” Michael murmured, his words hazing at the edge a little. Jack bent over to dig into his backpack, pulling out his only notebook and handing it back, setting it in Michael’s lap. Michael giggled a little and that was when Jack remembered the shitty drawing of Felix with the hearts around his head. “You are a sonic artist,” Michael said. “I like the hair.”

“Hair of what?” Felix asked, still watching the road. “Did Jack draw something? Jack sucks at drawing.”

“Fuck off, Fe’,” Jack huffed. Michael didn’t say anything else about the drawing and started to take pictures of the notes he needed. They pulled up into Felix’s parking spot and filed out of the truck, just as Michael was finishing his bowl. He looked miles better, and Jack understood Emma’s desire to get Michael off of drugs, but two months wasn’t enough time to be okay after something like that. 

He waved goodbye to Felix and Michael and headed towards Mark and the others, who were standing outside by the steps. Jack knew he smelled like weed. Kathryn gave him the stink eye for it, but Mark was grinning and giving him the thumbs up, and that was kind all that mattered. 

Still. If Kathryn or anyone else gave shit to Michael while Jack was around, he wasn’t going to hesitate in tearing them a new one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why are we still here  
> just to suffer  
> every night  
> i can feel my leg  
> and my arm  
> even my fingers  
> the body i've lost  
> the comrades i've lost  
> it's like they're still here  
> you feel it too  
> don't you  
> i'm gonna make them give back our past

“Are you guys, like, friends now?” Ethan asked as he threw chicken nuggets into his empty styrofoam cup. “You seem like friends.”

“Are you guys friends?” Mark asked with a lot more depth in his question than Ethan’s. Jack didn’t really want to discuss it, because he didn’t have an answer. He just knew that he hadn’t stopped smiling to himself whenever he had a moment alone. It felt stupid and juvenile to the highest degree. He had probably freaked out a few faceless classmates, but he wasn’t the kind of person to care what others thought. Except when they were his friends. And unfortunately, Kathryn didn’t seem to like Michael all that much. Jack had to be careful about this. 

“Just, we’re figuring shit out,” Jack said, pushing around his mushy green beans. He missed the food of Ireland from time to time. At least it wasn’t so obviously from a can. “We gonna do anything tonight? Should I clear my schedule?”

“Aren’t you gonna hang out with your new boyfriend?” Ethan asked way too happily. Jack kicked him under the table, but Ethan just laughed.

“You’re too stupid to feel pain, aren’t you?” Tyler asked him dully. 

“You’re definitely not gonna pass your classes now that you’re hanging out with him,” Amy snorted, grinning across the table at Jack whole she worked on an art project. There was a lemonade stain in the upper left corner, an accident she was going to try to turn into a purposeful design with some clever colors and a bunch of fucking lemons drawn into the middle of the piece. It was supposed to be a still life from her class, but Amy apparently didn’t give a shit. “Have you considered taking band?”

“Why would I?” Jack asked.

“Felix is in band. With Mark. He plays the guitar and stuff and Mark’s first chair trumpet, you know. You could at least come to the performances. Mark told me how you’re trying to reach out and stuff on your own. The band’s gonna be playing in a jazz performance this Friday night. You should come! Dress nice, let him see you. It’d go a long way.”

“How the fuck do you manage band when you go to home right after school?” Jack asked Mark.

“Dude, I’m only in second hour band,” Mark snorted. “We play jazz and small pieces during the shows, but we’re not symphonic band or first band or anything. No competitions, nothing crazy. It’s for the band kids that have actual fucking lives.”

“Why didn’t ye’ tell me ye’ had a class with Felix?”

Mark squinted. “… Shit, I don’t know.”

Jack rolled his eyes. “Thanks.”

“Probably because you were telling me you wanted to avoid him entirely up until a day or two ago,” Mark continued. “Then everything changed. When the fire nation attacked.”

“There’s no fucking fire nation, god, I wish you’d’ve told me sooner you had a fuckin’ class with him,” Jack sighed. “Doesn’t matter, I guess.”

“Are you sure? I can bring him gifts in your name. Such as flowers and chocolate.”

“He doesn’t want flowers and chocolate.” Jack looked down at his food and wished he was eating something that didn’t taste like absolute shit. “He wants, like… Fuck, I don’t even know what he wants anymore. Such a shitty friend.”

“Oh my god, you are trying to date him!” Ethan exclaimed excitedly, and a little too loudly for Jack’s taste. So he kicked Ethan even harder than before under the table, glaring daggers. “C’mon, Jack, we don’t give a shit if you’re dating him,” Ethan said, grinning despite the pain he had to be experiencing. Jack didn’t pussy out with his kicks. “If anything, I’ll be your cheerleader and possibly your wingman? But definitely your bridesmaid.”

“I wouldn’t let him be your wingman if I were you,” Tyler advised. “Remember the party?”

“Fuck you, Tyler, I’d would have had them if I had just been focused.” Tyler rolled his eyes at the other boy and didn’t respond to him, looking to Jack instead.

“Ethan’s right about one thing— we don’t give a shit who you date. As we’ve said.”

“Uh, I really don’t think he should date Felix,” Kathryn said. “Bad company and all. He does drugs, remember? That’s bad people.”

“Michael isn’t like that,” Jack said stiffly. He couldn’t get what Michael had told him from his mind. “And look, I get that there have been rumors and shit, but I’m starting to think that it was all actually just shit. Like, I’m learning things, okay? I’m learning a lot of things and I-I don’t…” He didn’t know where he was going with this, so he stopped. “I don’t think it’s true,” Jack said. “A lot of it, if not most.”

“I’ll believe that if I hear it myself,” Kathryn said. Jack wondered if she planned on being some sort of scientist in the future. He was sure she’d be amazing at it. 

“Well, if it’s any consolation,” Ethan said. “I’m excited to get to know those guys like you do, Jack! They seem like fun people from what you’ve said.” Jack really did appreciate Ethan’s newly found optimism and acceptance. “And really, we should be more concerned with classes anyways. And the winter formal! And the, the tests we’ve got coming up. Right guys? There’s more important stuff going on than other people’s personal lives.” God, Jack really appreciated it. “Let’s get to class, guys. Really”

Jack made sure to meet Ethan’s eyes and give him a smile, wanting him to know he knew what Ethan was doing for him. Ethan looked very proud of himself and took Kathryn by her arm, leading off to wherever. Getting her away from he conversation as lunch ended. Tyler groaned aloud, then followed Ethan. He seemed almost helpless to not follow in the first place.

Mark pat Jack on the shoulder. “I’m happy for you, dude,” he said.

“It’s awesome to see you reconnecting,” Amy added. “You seemed so sad when we first met. It’s been gradually getting better the more you see Felix.” She was smiling, leaning into Mark’s side, rubbing his arm seemingly unconsciously. “Felix has been better too. Everyone’s always known him as a dismal, tired guy. He’d look worse every day. It’s amazing to see the change in him too, now that you’re back.”

Jack’s cheeks flushed and he refused to think too deeply into what she was saying. “Ye’ don’t hate them, right?” He was mostly asking Amy. He knew Mark was at the very least neutral with Felix and his friends. But girlfriends had a lot more sway over their men than they realized, and what Amy thought would mean a lot more to Mark than anything he observed himself. 

“I don’t hate a lot of people,” Amy said. “Hate’s a hard emotion to feel. Pretty exhausting if you ask me. And even though I don’t really like the drugs and stuff, I try not to make a habit of judging people when I don’t know much about them.”

“Oh thank god,” Jack breathed without thinking. Amy laughed. 

“Kathryn’s just got bad experiences with drugs, Jack,” she told him, wearing that gentle smile. “She doesn’t actually hate the people, she just hates the substance.”

“Seems like everyone here has some sort of tragic backstory or another,” Jack mumbled.

“Not me!” Amy smiled wider. “My parents are together, I’ve got awesome friends, a sexy boyfriend, and good grades. That’s the least tragic story ever.”

“Ethan’s pretty well off,” Mark added. “And Tyler’s happy. His tragic backstory is just how he smiled too much one day and broke his smiling muscles. So he feels happiness, he just isn’t capable of showing it anymore.”

“Truly tragic,” Amy hummed. 

Jack grinned. “Thanks, guys,” he said. “Really. I’d hate to lose friends for others.”

“Oh please, like we were gonna sit you down in some living room and make you choose?” Mark scoffed. “This isn’t Europe, Jack. We’re Americans. We’re civilized and talk things out like adults.” Jack just rolled his eyes. 

“Ready for class, Mark?” he asked dryly.

“Absolutely.” Mark leaned in to kiss Amy goodbye. He turned back to Jack and they walked down the hall together. “Though I really do want all of the sordid details on what happened last night. Felix was in your bed? No fucking way can you just skim over that like stone.”

Jack rolled his eyes again. “I’ll write you a play-by-play, ye’ pervert.”

“I need it for my fan-fiction, Jack. I ship it.”

. . .

Jack got several texts halfway through the last period of the day from Felix. The first message was literally just a bunch of emojis, most of them being the smiling pile of shit. Then the second message read _michael wanted ur # and im a good frnd so i gave it 2 him._ Jack raised a brow as he discreetly read the messages, wondering what Michael had wanted to say. He got his answer a second later.

_We are going to the quarry in carlton after school. I would like to invite you and offer that you invite some of your own friends as well._

The formality and correct punctuation threw Jack off, and he knew he probably wouldn’t ever need to make Michael a contact because he’d know the kid simply by how he wrote. Still, he made the sparse contact, realized he didn’t even know Michael’s last name, and reread the message. 

Felix and Jack had gone to the Carlton quarry countless times when they’d been younger— they knew all the crawlspaces, the corners, the shallow areas, and that special air bubble underneath the surface that lead to a private cave literally no one knew about. The quarry held a lot of memories— it was just a five minute hike from this old farmhouse inhabited by an elderly couple. Jack and Felix had often stayed with them for the weekends, as they were distant family friends. Wild chickens roamed the area and they’d strung those outdoor lights from the tree tops around the farmhouse and spent nearly surreal nights out under their handmade sky and stars. Jack’s hands started to shake as his brain continued to remember, but he wouldn’t have to go to this place and dwell on the awful if Felix was there too. He wondered if Michael knew the history of the quarry.

The thought of Felix going into that underwater cave with anyone other than Jack filled him with jealousy. 

_fuck yeah i’ll go let me ask around_

Before the end of class, Amy, Mark, Ethan, and Tyler had all agreed to go. Kathryn had dredged up some excuse about getting her homework done even though everyone knew she’d done all of that the night of Monday. Ethan had gone on an excited rant about how his life had suddenly become so much more eventful with Jack in it, and Tyler had left the group chat pretty quickly into that. Amy asked about swimsuits, Jack told her the story of how he’d never used his swimsuit before, Mark made suggestive comments with more dumb emojis, and then then they were all meeting outside to take Mark’s car. 

“I’ve never been to Carlton,” Mark said. “Jack, you navigate.”

“I could get ye’ there with me eyes closed, motherfucker.”

“Bullshit. Close your eyes. Right now.”

“Just take the 72, asshole.”

Jack directed him all the way to the farmhouse, the closest place that he knew of that could lead to the quarry without having to be anywhere unfamiliar. The farmhouse looked more rundown than Jack had ever seen it. He didn’t see the old Chrysler out front that the elderly couple had used. The idea struck him that they could be dead. 

“This place is cute,” Amy commented, looking up at the house as they all climbed out of Mark’s car. Jack saw Felix’s truck parked at the other side of the small treelike that split up the area between the supplies shed and the main house. The older woman had worked this small little ship in that shed— glass blowing and melting. She’d once let Jack and Felix make their own shapes out of the shards of colorful glass and had blown them together in the iron stove she had in that shed. Felix had made a bird and Jack had made a fish. “Who lives here?”

“Mr. and Mrs. Moody,” Jack replied. “They’ve been here for years.”

“Where are they?”

Jack shook his head. He didn’t have an answer. 

“Which way to the quarry?” Tyler asked, grimacing. “Isn’t it way too fucking cold to go swimming?”

“Don’t be a pussy, Tyler.”

“It’s fucking September, Ethan.”

“September is the edge of summer, it’ll be fine,” Amy said as she put up her hair. “Lead the way, Jack.”

They followed him through the trees, very little conversation happening. It was like they were being respectful of the peace of the forest. The woods here in Carlton were nothing like those in Athens. Athens was overpopulated by college kids and dumbasses, loud humans who weren’t very clean. But Carlton barely had two hundred people. These woods hardly knew humans. Jack appreciated the somber respect his friends were showing, even if it was a little superstitious.

They came to a break in the trees, where the ground dropped out beneath them, flat rock careening down into the deep green water. Jack smiled despite himself. Then he heard a peel of laughter and looked to the left of the lower rocks just in time to see Felix dive into the water in jeans and a t-shirt. Michael was sitting just behind him, dressed just as appropriately. He shouted out some muddled rating of Felix’s dive, then looked up and saw Jack. Michael grinned and waved up at them. He seemed much more at ease than he had this morning, and Jack wondered how his test had gone. “Jack!” Michael shouted. “Come down!”

And see, Jack knew he meant climb down, but Jack had been swimming in this quarry since he’d been a small child. And he wasn’t a fucking pansy who did shit halfway. So instead of doing the smart thing and climbing down like a normal person, Jack took a few steps back, got a running start, and then jumped over the ledge, falling into the water from at least thirty metres. He distantly heard Ethan crying out in surprise just before Jack hit the water, feet first, clothes on. The shock of the cool water felt amazing and his skinny jeans hadn’t ridden up too high. Then, as he resurfaced, Felix was swimming in front of him, reaching out and grabbing Jack’s shoulders to dunk him back underwater. 

“What’re you fucking doing here?!” Felix demanded once Jack came back up, laughing and grinning wide enough to split his face. “Oh my god, what the fuck?!”

Jack spat water in Felix’s face and then swam to the rocks Michael was lounging on. He lifted himself out of the water and smiled at Michael, giving him a little wave as he sat down beside him. “Thanks for the invite,” he said. Michael nodded and watched Mark and the others climb slowly down to where they were. Jack grinned and was tempted to shout out pointers— especially after Tyler slipped and almost dropped into the water. “Just fuckin’ watch yer feet!”

“You jumped like a god damn psycho!” Ethan shouted. “What the fuck Jack! Kamikaze!”

“You just fucking jumped!” Amy sounded a lot more delighted about the idea than Ethan had. “Holy crap, that was awesome!”

“Aren’t you afraid of heights?” Ethan asked as he dropped down beside Jack. He waved across Jack to Michael, then went back to Jack. “Sup, dude. And seriously, you’ve said it a ton of times, Jack, and then you just fucking jumped. Have you been lying? Are you a dirty liar, Jack?”

“He’s a dirty liar,” Felix affirmed as he climbed out of the water. Felix looked down at Jack, huge and backlit by the sun. Jack was a little too distracted by the water dripping from the bleached hair and the way Felix’s shirt was now a second layer of skin. The vivid memory of the scar Jack would see on Felix’s chest if the shirt were gone did little to dampen his interest in how fucking good Felix looked these days. “HEy, wake the fuck up.” Felix kicked his shoes. “How’d you know we’d be here?”

“Michael invited me,” Jack said. Then, “is that okay?”

“Dude, that’s more than okay, I just… Never expected you would’ve said yes to this sort of thing.” Felix grinned again. “You’re such a fucking wet blanket these days with all of your video games.”

“You play too,” Michael pointed out. 

“Shut up, I have a good balance.” Felix looked around. “So, I don’t think I’ve actually been introduced to any of you guys. Except you, Mark.”

“Hey,” Mark greeted. “Nice solo today.”

Felix nodded, ducking his head in the way that he would when he didn’t know how to take a compliment. Mark caught on quickly and started to point people out. “This is Amy,” Mark said, putting an arm around her. “She’s a delight, I’m sure you’ll love her. Then we’ve got Ethan, the guy with the blue hair. You’ll love him a little less. And that’s Tyler over there, the one who looks like he enjoys setting things on fire and lifting things while on steroids.” Tyler groaned unhappily. “See what I mean, Jack? He feels happiness, he just can’t show it.”

“Are you guys friends now?” Ethan asked. Jack wanted to fucking smack him across the head, he couldn’t fucking believe Ethan, he couldn’t believe he’d just fucking shout something out like that. What kind of fucking idiot just…

Michael was looking between Jack and Felix, all tense and wide eyed. Jack had the sudden urge to dive into the water again, just to escape this conversation. Until Felix spoke.

“Of course we’re friends,” Felix said. “Why the hell wouldn’t we be?” Felix reached down and tugged at Jack’s green hair. “I was blue for a while before I went platinum,” he said conversationally. “The blue faded in, like, three days. You should tell me how you keep the colour.” Jack belatedly realized that Felix was talking to Ethan. That was how nonchalant he was acting about the question. Jack wasn’t sure if he was relieved or maybe irrationally offended. “Jack keeps the green cause he’s a fucking Irish bastard and it’s pretty close to natural.”

“You’d think a Swedish fuck would be able to keep the blue, then,” Jack shot back, glaring up at Felix even as he continued to play with Jack’s hair. “Ain’t those the colors of the homeland? Or has it been too long? Ye’ full American now?”

“ _Kukhuvud_ ,” Felix said. “ _Pappas smutsiga lilla hora. Sug min kuk. Ät skit och dö din jävla fitta._ ”

“What the fuck was that?” Ethan asked as Jack narrowed his eyes.

“I caught a few of those, Fe’, I know what ye’ said.”

Felix snorted. “If you knew what I said, you wouldn’t be sitting down right now— you’d be trying to drown me.”

“What? The fuck did you say?”

Felix giggled and turned to dive back into the water without a care. “Hey!” Jack shouted after him. “Fuckin’ tell me what you said! You fucking asshole!”

“ _Pappas smutsiga lulla hora!_ ” Felix cackled from the water. Jack scowled and launched himself in Felix’s direction, nearly landing on top of him. Felix yelped and thrashed out of the way, graceless in the water. Jack grabbed him, holding on tight to Felix’s shirt to keep the boy from escaping, and shoved his head under the water. Felix sputtered and kicked out and fought back, pulling Jack down with him. They wrestled in the water, and Jack had been sure he was winning, until Felix took the bottom of Jack’s shirt and threw it over Jack’s head, blinding him. With Jack temporarily incapacitated, Felix made his escape, swimming away as quickly as he could with a whoop of success. Jack got the shirt away from his eyes just in time to see Felix disappear under the water. He didn’t come back up. Jack knew exactly where Felix had gone. 

“Wait, he’s gone?”

Jack heard Amy, but only distantly. He dove down, navigating the dark water with instinct and memory alone. He found the hole in the quarry and pulled himself through, breaching into the air pocket with a gasp, his lungs just barely burning.

The cave was dark, the only source of light being what filtered through the green water through the other side, but it was just enough to let Jack’s eyes adjust quickly and take in more the longer he looked. 

Felix was standing on the outcropping of mined rock. There were two bags at his feet and an old metal contraption. Felix was staring at it with a soft smile. “Remember this?” he asked Jack, voice echoing off the granite walls. “Fuck, we used to come in here every chance we had.”

Jack pulled himself up onto the rock with Felix, his clothes dripping. He was careful not to get any water on the zoetrope that was placed delicately on a pile of rocks in the center of the landmass. Their old backpacks were off to the side, probably filled with the batteries they’d smuggled down here with the waterproof radio and flashlights. “Can’t believe it’s still here,” Felix murmured. 

“Haven’t ye’ ever checked?” Jack asked 

Felix shook his head. “Haven’t been in here since you left.”

The confession told Jack more than he’d wanted to consider. Not only had he destroyed Felix from the inside out, he’d also ruined memories of happiness and reprieve from their childhoods. Felix had been hurt on the outside and the inside from what Jack had done. It was a hard reality to face. 

Jack cleared his throat. “Wonder if it still works.”

“One way to find out,” Felix said. “But we should probably grab the other guys. They could think we’re dead.”

“That, or we’re fucking boss at holding our breath.”

Felix snickered and shoved Jack a little, just enough to make him sway on his feet. “I, uh, meant that. About how we are friends and shit. I gave you a hard time in the band room, but honestly, my life has just been so horribly shitty. It’d be stupid to let it stay that way just for the sake of pride and pettiness. I forgave you a while ago for what you did. I just need to be a little bitch about it, that’s all.”

“Thanks fer not hating me,” Jack said. “I definitely would deserve it.”

“People only do stupid things when they’re scared,” Felix said. “Doesn’t make them stupid. Just makes them human.”

“Fuck you, I’m way better than humans,” Jack said. 

“Barely, you Irish cocksucker.”

“Is that a challenge?”

Felix shut up, and Jack could just barely see his cheeks darkening. Jack was just one step too far into flirting and he needed to stop, so he turned back to the water. “They may be a little freaked out, but we can lead them into here one by one. It’s a fucking cool place! Mark’ll love it.”

“Glad we get to show your boyfriend something cool,” Felix said. He dove into the water before Jack could correct him. How fucking dumb was that assumption, especially after Felix had met Mark’s girlfriend? Then again, Mark hadn’t introduced Amy as such. Jack sighed and swam after him, deciding he was going to just enjoy himself for now and not concern himself with the other shit. 

“Holy shit, Jack’s alive too!” Ethan exclaimed. Jack swam over, grabbed him by the ankle, and pulled the boy into the water, who shrieked and kicked and slid in easily. 

“We have something to show you guys,” Felix told Michael with a warm smile, like he was coaxing a wounded animal to food. “It’s cool, trust me. We’ll lead you guys in since it’s kinda hard to find if you don’t already know where it is. You’ll love it, dude.”

Michael looked wary, but he was already toeing into the water after Ethan. 

“I’ll be back for you and Amy,” Jack told Mark. “Felix, get Tyler.”

“I’m good,” Tyler said. “I’d rather not go into your guys’ creepy hidden sex dungeon.”

Jack made a face of disgust and took Ethan by the hand, leading him underwater and into the cave. He directed Ethan to the little island, gave him a firm command to not touch anything, then went back for Amy and Mark as Felix resurfaced in the cave with a sputtering, skittish Michael. “What is this?” Amy asked, shivering from the cold water as Felix went back for Tyler. Michael huddled over by the old backpacks, looking everything like a drowned, miserable kitten. 

“There should be a blanket in one of those,” Jack told him, feeling more than a little pity for the poor boy. “You guys look like you need it.”

“Jack, what is this place?” Amy sounded pretty excited now that Jack turned his attention to her. Ethan was crouched a few inches from the zoetrope, looking like he wanted nothing more than to just play with the thing until it shattered. 

“I told you not to touch that,” Jack said firmly. Ethan groaned and dropped back on his ass. “And this is, uh, it’s a cave.” Jack turned to Amy. “It’s a cave.”

“I can see that,” she snorted. “But what is it?”

“It’s a place Fe’ and I found. We were swimming and I just swam a little deeper than usual, thought I was gonna knock my head on a wall, but found this instead.” Jack looked around at the cave once more. he spotted the drawings he and Felix had scribbled on the walls with sharpie. “It’s just somewhere we would sleep and shit. We ran away once and went here.”

“You ran away?” Mark asked as he rung out his shirt.

“Only for the weekend.”

Felix came up with a gasp for air. “Tyler pussied out,” he said, climbing up onto the rock. He crouched in front of the zoetrope, careful not to get any water on it.. “Jack, we’ve got the lantern in there, right?”

Jack went into the backpack Michael hadn’t gone into, knowing they never would’ve put the flashlights with the blankets. Fire hazard and whatnot. Jack pulled out the battery powered lantern and searched for the right sized batteries. “How the hell can you see anything?” Amy asked from behind him. “It’s so dark.” Jack smirked to himself and put the batteries into the lantern. The thing was dusty and grimy, so Jack wiped it down with the front of his shirt. 

“Ye’ wanna do the honors, Fe’?” he asked, holding the lantern to in the dark. Felix took it, his fingertips brushing Jack’s knuckles as their eyes met and they shared a moment of nostalgia. 

Taking this zoetrope into the cave had been a near disaster— they’d taken it apart, put the smaller pieces into baggies, and swam them through the water, trying to keep anything from getting wet. They’d done the same with the lantern, with the batteries, with the flashlights, with the blankets and food and backpacks. It had taken days to fully stock this place. There had always been this amazing feeling to the cave— no one could touch them in here. No one could know where they were. It had just been him and Felix in the dark intimacy of the cave. Just them.

Jack felt his cheeks flush and he quickly took a step away from Felix, who was too busy looking over the lamp to notice. “Doesn’t seem broken,” Felix said. “Guess we’ll just have to test it out, huh?”

“Something like that,” Jack mumbled.

“Dude, is that old CD still in there? We’ve got the radio, but what about—” Felix cut himself off after Jack had fished through the same backpack and pulled out the CD in question. “Oh my god, yes.”

“My mom always made the best mixes,” Jack said with more than a little pride.

“She did,” Felix agreed, his voice softening at the edges. “I’d, uh, like to see her again, if I could. Just to say hi.” Jack could only imagine how much Felix wanted that. Especially after losing his own mother, however that really happened. 

“Come over for dinner sometime,” Jack said, keeping his tone light. “She’s asked about ye’.”

Jack wasn’t sure which was more heart-wrenching— the relief that he could barely see was over Felix’s face, or the surprise that followed soon after. “She does?” Felix asked. “Shit, I guess I really should stop by sometime.”

“What did you used to call her?” Jack asked.

“Mama Mcloughlin,” Felix replied, smiling now. “She made the best potato pancakes ever. Great woman.”

“Great mother,” Jack agreed with a smile of his own. “Ye’ could’ve paid her a hundred an hour and it still wouldn’t have been enough to make up for having to be around us.”

“Were you two trouble?” Mark asked, sounding curiously.

“Oh, we were the fucking worst,” Felix cackled. “Remember the time we lit the living room curtains on fire?”

“Or when we flushed all of her expensive body wash down the drain? Or when we accidentally cut the fucking water hose in half?”

“Or when we shaved the other neighbor’s dog to have their initials because we thought it would make it easier for the dog to be returned since it ran away every other fucking day?” Felix shook his head. “We were terrible kids. She was basically WonderWoman.”

“She still is,” Jack said, knowing that he didn’t appreciate his mother enough. Knowing now that Felix had lost his made him feel just a little more deeply for his own. “And she’d love to see you again. You are just as much her son as her son as I am.”

Felix was quiet, a shaky breath slipping past his lips. “So, uh, let’s see if this shitty old thing still works, yeah?” he posed, an abrupt change of subject. “Michael, come sit over here, you’re gonna get cold sitting against the walls. It’s fucking stone, dude, that stuff doesn’t warm up easily.” Felix set the lamp down in the middle of the zoetrope after wiping away dust. “Jack, fire that music up, we’ve got to do this right.”

Jack went to fiddle with the battery operated radio, not at all surprised to find the batteries were dead— definitely why they had spares. Most of them seemed pretty much half full and he quickly changed them out, even through someone’s repeated question of “seriously, how the hell can you two see in here?” He pushed the CD in to the little portable radio. 

“Is that a fucking Coby disc player?” Mark asked, looking over Jack’s shoulder. “All I see is a dark blob.”

“How have yer eyes not fucking adjusted?” Jack asked basically everyone, a little bewildered at this point. “Ye’re all fuckin’ blind as bats.”

“Bats would actually see rather well in this cave, so fuck you,” Ethan said. 

“Wait, is this Glenn Miller?”

Jack grinned. The disk was playing now, the red lights of the player really being the best source of light. Glenn Miller’s “In the Mood” echoed off the cave walls, and he turned the audio down just enough to make it still recognizable. It sounded just like he’d always remembered, the brass instruments sharp and clear and the saxophones still sent his foot tapping. 

Felix spun the zoetrope and flicked on the lantern just as the music hit the first solo. The cave was instantly flood with light, the shadows of a couple dancing flashing in a circle all around them, an illusion of movement that made the entire room feel like it was full of dancers enjoying the music. Everyone in the room wore some varying expression of awe, the golden light creating an atmosphere of grandeur. Felix grinned to Jack from across the zoetrope, sending him a short wink. He was probably feeling pretty proud of himself, considering how they’d effectively entranced everyone with their rather archaic light show. There was still something hypnotizing about the dancing lights. It drew Jack back to being younger and coming here for a reprieve from the world, some peace and maybe even a little quiet if the radio batteries died. 

“This, this is the music my grandmother liked,” Michael said softly, watching the dancing. “She wanted me to play music. I was very bad at it and had trouble staying on the beat.”

“Keeping tempo can be difficult,” Mark said, watching Michael more than the zoetrope. “If you still want, I could totally give you some pointers sometime.” Jack was completely blown away by Mark’s sudden readiness to befriend Michael like this. “I know Felix can be a pretty bad teacher. He barely knows English.”

“Screw off, Mark,” Felix sound while sounding like he really didn’t give a shit. “You’re just jealous you don’t have the same skills as me.”

As Mark smirked at Felix, Jack realized they probably knew each other a little better than there may have been let on. 

“This is really amazing,” Amy murmured, sitting on the floor just to watch. “Like the stuff those shrinks would recommend for therapy except…” She shrugged and smiled. “Happier. This is so much happier. It’s your own little spot in the world that no one knows about. No one can touch you. No one’s gonna want to swim down and find the only way in. You guys just had this little place for yourself and made it into something even better. Like something out of a fairytale, or something close.”

“You’re getting a little wistful there,” Ethan snorted. “You gonna write novels?”

“Maybe some day, you prick,” she said, kicking Ethan in the shin. “And I’d be great at it. I’d write the next Harry Potter, make millions, then give it all away. After paying for Mark’s college, of course.”

“You are literally the best girlfriend ever and I do not deserve you,” Mark told her.

“Fuck gender roles, Amy can be the provider,” Ethan giggled. 

“I will be the best husband ever,” Amy said.

“Did we really leave Tyler outside?” Ethan asked. “Like, isn’t it gonna get dark soon? And we just left him out there. In the middle of the woods, completely alone and shit. By the water. Where he gets creeped out and shit. Have you ever been by still water when it’s dark and you’re alone? What’s that fucking song?”

“Lake Pontchartrain is a real place, you know,” Amy said helpfully.

“I’m just saying that the poor guy is gonna think we’re dead, and I’m gonna get pneumonia.” Ethan was probably right about that. They’d swam through the cold water in autumn with no changes of clothes, and it was getting dark. 

“We should head out,” Jack sighed, regretful. He didn’t want to leave. Knowing this place had remained untouched for so long simply out of Felix’s respect for what they had made this place just that much more personal.

Felix looked more than a little disappointed at Jack’s suggestion. Jack wished he took reach out and take Felix’s face in his hands, just hold him there and say _“this is important to me too. This place is important to me too.”_ He didn’t know if Felix would believe him, but he would mean it regardless. So he said, “we should come back sometime, Fe. Update all the shit. I’ll bet my mom could come up with a new mix for us and we could probably find new shadows for the zoetrope. We can probably get some pillows and shit. Maybe bring in some books or comics or whatever ye’ like.”

Felix snorted a laugh, shaking his head and smiling at the floor. “… Should bring in a pickaxe and shit. Maybe dig out a few extra rooms. I’ll bet we can get, like solar panels up top and wire it down into here. Have a TV, a microwave. Hell, when the world ends? We’ll be rock solid in here.”

“Rock solid,” Jack snickered, appreciating the pun. “We’ll get this place into tip-top shape.”

“Do we just swim out?” Ethan asked, approaching the water. Michael was behind him, but he was still watching the dancing shadows more than the water he was about to dive into. “Michael, Michael, hold my hand,” and for a second, Felix looked like he was going to protest that, but Michael only hesitated a moment before taking Ethan’s hand. “We’re gonna swim into the light, Michael, because contrary to popular fucking belief, heaven isn’t real and light means civilization. On three, right?”

Michael jumped into the water on the count of one, dragging a squawking Ethan in after him. 

“Oh my god, we have to swim again,” Amy bemoaned before Mark led her into the water, going a little more gently. It left Felix and Jack alone in the little cave. The music continued to play, going into Four Tops with Bernadette. Felix sighed before going over to the zoetrope and switching off the lantern. They were bathed in absolute darkness. Jack needed his eyes to adjust. 

“We don’t actually have to come back here if you don’t want to.”

Jack tried to see Felix in the dark. He wasn’t used to being so blind here. He knew they had a redlight somewhere, but it didn’t seem worth the search. “Why d’ye’ say that?”

“I don’t know. I just… don’t want to assume stuff anymore. Does that make sense? I just feel like I have to be careful about this stuff. About us. I feel like it doesn’t matter what we’ve said. Things can still go wrong.”

Jack knew Felix only felt well enough to say these things because he knew Jack couldn’t see his face. He didn’t know what to say either.

“I think we need to just stop thinking so much,” Jack said after a moment. “We’ve never been known for making good decisions after a lot of thought.”

“Pretty sure that’s how we failed seventh grade science,” Felix agreed.

Jack smiled. “Like I said— we’re thinking too much.” It felt weird being a voice of reason between them. “If we want this to work, we have to stop trying. We’ve never tried at a fucking thing in our lives before that turned out any good. Just…” He shrugged, but Felix couldn’t see it. “We’re friends, Fe’. Forcing it won’t help anyone.”

“You’re right,” Felix said. “Yeah. You’re right.”

“Course I’m fucking right,” Jack said. “I’m always fuckin’ right.”

There was the sound of Felix’s laugh in the dark, then footsteps moving a little behind Jack. “… I’m really glad you’re back, Seán.” Then there was the crash of a body hitting water, and Jack was alone in the cave. 

He smiled even wider to himself and turned to finally follow his friends.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 我们为什么还在这里

“Oh shit,” Mark said. “Oh fuck.”

Michael was bent over the engine of Mark’s car as Felix and Jack finally made it back to the farmhouse. “It is the, the battery,” Michael said. “Very much dead.” He straightened, wiping grease onto his jeans. “Got cables?”

“Cables?” Mark repeated.

“Yes, the jumble cables.”

“Jumper,” Felix corrected.

“Jumper cables,” Michael agreed.

“I don’t have any,” Mark said. His eyes were wide as he stared at his car.

“Felix, do we?” Michael asked.

Felix snorted. “Dude, Brad got them with the lawn mower, remember?”

“Ah, well,” Michael sighed. “We can bring some here tomorrow, yes? After school. Get the car running once more.”

“That’s great, except that’s how I get to school,” Mark said.

“I can pick you up,” Felix said simply, looking at the engine. “Then we just take you here afterwards, it’s not a big deal. I’ve got the time.” He glanced to Michael. “What do you think? I’ll grab you early, then we get Mark?”

“You are not staying with Brad tonight?” Michael asked, sounding a little surprised. Felix didn’t respond, but Michael must have seen something in his face. It made him smile slyly and there may have been a cut of the eyes in Jack’s direction that he didn’t understand. “I will be ready early, yes. And I will have Brad’s extra jumper cables.”

“Sounds good,” Felix replied. “Mark, I’ll just grab your address as we drop you off, okay?”

“You’re gonna drop us off?” Mark had his phone out like he was ready to call someone. Probably a parent.

“It’s almost dark and there’s no way I’m waiting around here for you guys to get picked up by someone,” Felix said. “We can fit in my truck, at least a few of you in the back.”

“I call the back!” Ethan said, jumping into the bed of the truck without hesitation. “Tyler! Tyler, come back here! There’s, like, a tool box and shit, we can build things out of spare parts and rig a gun or a robot or something even cooler.”

“You’ve been watching too many movies,” Tyler groaned, climbing into the bed regardless. “I’m only here to make sure you don’t fall out,” he warned when Ethan gleefully clapped his hands. “I’m not about to let you become roadkill. Amy definitely doesn’t need to see that sort of thing.”

“You’re so good to me,” Ethan almost sang.

“Mark and Amy can fit in the back,” Felix said. “There are two seats that come down from the wall. Michael, mind sitting between me and Jack up front?” When Michael shook his head, Felix clapped his hands. “Let’s get going! It’s still a little less than an hour to get back. Shouldn’t be much traffic, but I don’t want to put this off much longer.” He reached under the body of his car that was hidden just above the front right tire and pulled out his keys. Amy and Mark went through the passenger door and climbed into the back with little grace. Michael moved in after, sitting happily in the middle. Jack sat in the passenger’s seat, and Felix took the driver’s, starting up the car and turning the heat up.

“Oh god, thank you,” Amy said from the back. “I’m so cold.”

“C’mere, baby, let me warm you up,” Mark cooed. Jack watched him int he rearview pulled her into his lap, making dopey kissy faces like a dork. Amy giggled, enjoying the attention, and beside Jack, Michael pretended to gag. 

“Think they’ll be too cold in the bed?” Felix asked as he slowly pulled his truck onto the dirt road that would eventually lead to the main asphalt, and then to the highway. The sun was close to disappearing, and Felix turned his headlights on. “I’ll drive slow. Wouldn’t want to jostle them out.”

“You drive very slow regardless,” Michael said. “Five under, as you always do. Nice and boring, just, just the way you like it.”

Felix didn’t answer right away. “C’mon, Michael, you know why,” he finally said. Michael leaned forward and turned on the radio. That song was playing again. The one Jack and Felix basically had their entire childhood based after, singing about coming home.

Felix’s grip was stark white and Jack knew this song probably meant more than last time they’d heard it together. The feeling of being within that cave again was fresh beneath Jack’s skin, thumping in his heart like a bruise he loved to press. Like he wanted the ache because hurting wasn’t so bad when he knew Felix was there to feel it with him. And Jack wanted to prove that he was there with Felix, too. He was over be a stodgy, shitty person and an even worse friend. Jack had fucking left Felix, abandoned him like a dog on the side of the road (literally on the side of the road). He knew he had a long way to go before being truly deserving of Felix’s friendship, an he was ready to start working his way to it. 

So when the conversational piece began in the song, Jack took on his familiar role of years ago and said, “ _Jane?_ ”

Felix responded immediately, like he’d been waiting for this all along. “ _Alexander._ ”

_“Do you remember that day you fell out of my window?”_

_“I sure do, you came jumping out after me.”_

Jack lolled his head on the back of the seat to watch Felix drive as he spoke. _“Well, you fell on the concrete, nearly broke your ass. You were bleeding all over the place and I rushed you out to the hospital, you remember that?”_  
Felix was grinning with a faint tinge to his cheeks. _“Yes, I do.”_

_“Well, there’s something I never told you about that night.”_

_“What didn’t you tell me?”_ Michael was looking between them both with unveiled curiosity. Jack could see, in the mirror, that Amy and Mark were watching them as well. 

Jack took in a deep breath and started the last of his part, knowing that this particular line had always tugged at his chest in a way that he was scared to interpret. _“While you were sitting in the backseat smoking a cigarette you thought was going to be your last… I was falling deep, deeply in love with you.”_ Felix started to laugh along with his part as Jack continued. _“And I never told you that until just now!”_

As Jack finished, Felix broke into the chorus, smiling and singing loudly like he was celebrating something. The joy was infectious and Michael giggled before singing shakily along with Felix, unsure of the words, though he quickly caught on, especially when Amy bent over the seat and began to sing along, letting Michael watch her mouth and catch on even faster. 

And Jack could only watch Felix, watch him feel all of this glorious happiness that he deserved to feel. An aborted thought came to his mind, telling him to thank Mark for having a shitty battery in his car, because otherwise, Felix would’ve gone home with Michael and Jack wouldn’t have had this chance to take his first step in solidifying how sorry he was. 

He’d tell Mark tomorrow. Right now, Felix, was drumming along on the steering wheel to the final chorus, smiling so widely that Jack wasn’t sure he could really see the dark road. Ethan smacked his hand on the back window before sliding it open, exclaiming into the cab, “calm down, ya crazy kids!” Mark slammed the window shut in his face, laughing at the offended look on Ethan’s face. 

“Don’t ruin this for me!” Felix laughed, though Jack could see he was carefully watching the passengers in the bed of the truck, and he really was driving almost painfully slowly, even though they were back on asphalt now. It was dusk, so while the sky was still alight with lovely colours, the world on the ground was nearing pitch black. 

“Can you guys see in this too?” Mark asked. “Because if you two have crazy superhero night vision, then I’d really like to know about it. I could definitely use that to my advantage at a later date.” Felix snorted and switched on his headlights.

“If you’re talking about when you can’t find the fucking plug in your wall and are too lazy to turn on the lights, I’m going to have to inform you that this would be called an abuse of power,” Amy drawled. “Uncle Ben would be so disappointed in you, Mark, I really hope you never get any sort of superpower, because you’d just use it for selfish gain.”

“Telekinesis?” Felix posed.

“He’d masturbate hands free,” Jack replied. 

“What about, like, controlling the weather?”

“Oh, he’d definitely make it snow only on the school, so no one would be able to get it.”

“Mind control?”

“Fabricate his own in-person porn.”

“Okay, okay, no, I would never do that one,” Mark cut in. “That’s, like, messed up in so many ways, I would never, ever make people do that. Maybe, you know, I’d like, just… I mean, I would probably make people kiss when I think they should kiss and stuff, you know, get people together when they’re obviously perfect for each other.” Michael started giggling like a loon, glancing between Jack and Felix. Felix nudged Michael his with elbow to get him to shut up, and Jack’s cheeks flushed.

“I’d probably use the mind control to make everyone let me pet their dog,” Mark continued to muse. “Especially those aid dogs, because those are the best doggos and they’re very deserving of the best pets.”

“Jesus, Mark,” Amy snickered. 

“Am I gonna have to put up with forty minutes of this shit?” Ethan demanded after opening the window again and shoving his head inside. “Tyler’s talking me out of peeing out the side of the truck, but honestly, the longer we’re back here, the better of an idea it sounds.”

“Piss out of my truck, and I’m slamming on the breaks so you go over the hood,” Felix threatened. 

Ethan slowly retracted his head. 

“Be nice to him,” Michael chided, bent over his knees in what didn’t look to be a comfortable position. He stretched languidly like a cat, smiling. “He, he did not have to volunteer.”

“You’re right, he could have walked.” Felix reached out and ran his fingers through Michael’s hair, scratching gently at his scalp. “You still doing good?” Michael nodded, almost purring at Felix touched him. Jack felt a slice of jealousy run through him. He wished Felix were back to playing with his hair. He knew just how fucking amazing Felix’s fingers could feel. But this was Michael— dude had been fucking kidnapped and probably something worse. Jack could let him have this without too much lamentation.

“Didja pass yer test?” Jack asked. Michael shrugged, looking like he was about to fall asleep. Jack could imagine that Michael didn’t actually have much action in his life after the trauma of August. The excursion of today was more than enough to wipe him out.

“Did not fail,” Michael said. “Good sign, yes?”

“Always a good sign to not fail,” Jack agreed.

“If you ever need help studying, I can lend a hand,” Mark said. “Me and Amy, really, she’s more patient than me. She wants to be a teacher. So I can teach you music, and she can teach you complex differential equations.”

Michael giggled. “Not that smart. Just, just history.”

“I’m bomb at history,” Amy told him. “I’ve got notes and stuff, and I like to draw pictures making fun of people, so you’ll basically have the memory of Napoleon correcting everyone of which island he got exiled to when you’re taking the test.”

Michael hummed low in the back of his throat. Jack realized he was actually falling asleep. “ _Vielen dank_ ,” he murmured.

“Jesus christ, dude, just fucking take your nap,” Felix complained fondly. “I’ll wake you up when we get there.” Michael let out this soft noise, still remnant of a sort of cat, and slumped to his left, resting across Felix’s right thigh. His breathing slowed monumentally as he fell asleep. “… I hope you guys don’t mind if I ask that we keep quiet the rest of the way home,” he said after a moment, his voice low. “Michael… doesn’t sleep a lot. So this is…”

Mark tapped on the window. Ethan stuck his head in, ready to start yammering, but Mark put his fingers to his lips, then pointed to Michael. Ethan nodded in understanding, then peacefully pulled his head back. 

The rest of the drive home was silent, as Michael slept peacefully. Felix dropped off Tyler and Ethan first, then Amy, then Mark, got Mark’s address, and got Michael back to Brad’s place without moving his leg once. It was more than impressive to Jack. As Felix finally drove Jack and himself back to their street, the clock nearly eleven at night and Jack was feeling pretty tired himself.

“Can I hitch a ride tomorrow?” he asked as the truck lumbered down the road. 

“Of course,” Felix murmured softly. “You, uh… Wanna stay the night? Just in case you have another nightmare.”

Jack smiled to himself. “Sure, Fe’. I’d like that.”

Felix nodded, nervously drumming on the steering wheel. “Cause, like, I don’t mind climbing the window, but I’m definitely getting older, and I’ll probably break my leg eventually. And the house isn’t that strong, while I’m a lot bigger, so—”

“You’re fine, Fe’,” Jack said. “Sides, wouldn’t want to wake my parents either. I can take the couch or whatever.”

“Fuck that, I’ve got a king bed now.”

Jack laughed and turned his head to Felix. His eyes felt heavy and he didn’t want to talk much more. “That’s fucking gay, Fe’.”

Felix just rolled his eyes as he pulled into his driveway. “Whatever you say, Jack.”

Jack didn’t really remember getting into the house or lumbering up the stairs, and he definitely didn’t remember getting out of his pants, but he did remember falling into the mattress, pressing his face into the pillow that smelled almost overwhelmingly like Felix, and falling asleep with a warm human being at his side.

. . .

_There was a bodily warmth between his legs, a solid mass, firm and alive and moving in time with the panting Jack could hear in his left ear. The body above him was undulating their hips, and Jack quickly figured out that whoever this was, was a man. Jack could feel someone else’s hard cock against his heated skin, the shaft and head pressing into his gut like the press of a hand pinning his hips, making his cock throb._

_The rush of breath into his ear sent shivers down his spine. Jack could feel the other boy’s thrusts start to grow erratic, less controlled. He peered down this person’s body, watched the muscles in their ass and thighs clench as they thrusted down on Jack’s body. He could feel the other man’s cock leaking, creating a slick rise and fall of the other cock across Jack’s stomach that was pressed between their bodies. Jack’s toes curled and he gradually became more aware of what his own body was doing._

_As he looked back down this person’s back, he saw his arm, his hand, his fingers, leading between this fucking gorgeous, perfect ass. There was heat wrapped around his index and middle finger, and Jack watched himself finger-fuck this guy with more than a little fascination. There was a touch of wetness to his skin, lubrication and the movement of his fingers making soft squelching sounds, barely audible over the boy’s erratic breath._

_“Please,” came a breathless beg, then lips on his neck, sucking on the feverishly warm skin. “Jag… Jag behover…”_

_The Swedish was familiar enough. Robin would often slip into his native tongue when they were together. Except Robin wasn’t like this in bed— Robin was shy and didn’t like to touch too many things at once, didn’t like to be on top, and didn’t like to have the lights on. What was usually dark and dim was now miles of gorgeous skin, shining with sweat, the beautiful curves of the body, and the pinkish skin of a scar on near the shoulder blade._

_“Seán,” came a breathy moan, strained at the edges with pleasure. “I mig…”_

_Jack sped up his fingers, becoming slowly more aware of the fact that this was a dream. He wasn’t on a bed, he wasn’t in a room, there were no walls or ceilings or windows, just a dark, fuzzy existence around their bodies, like they were in storm clouds. If anything, it was better this way, because all Jack could feel was that cock leaking against his belly, and his fingers knuckle deep in whoever this was. But regardless of who he was, he was fucking gorgeous. Everything about him was gorgeous._

_Jack could feel a flat stomach against his own, could feel a sharp jawline against a neck, could see a tight ass and toned thighs. Jack lost himself in watched the muscles of this boy’s back flex with the movement of those narrows hips as the boy worked his cock down and his ass up at the same time. Jack sought out that bundle of nerves, pressing his finger tips into them when he succeeded. The reaction was instantaneous, a sharp cry and a quiver of every muscle in this boy’s body. Jack smiled and pressed his face behind whoever’s ear this was and worked his finger mercilessly into that single spot._

_“Seán, Seán, Seán,” the poor boy was chanting, unable to say much else, until, “Kommer, Jag kommer, jävla fan…”_

_Jack sunk his teeth into the edge of this beautiful boy’s jaw and felt him cum before he heard it. The body above him wound itself up tighter than a knot, then released all at once with a full body shudder and a broken shout that sounded almost like it hurt. Jack gently massaged his prostate and rubbed the boy’s back as he slowly came down. The boy kept trembling as the aftershocks passed through him, and Jack found that way more pleasurable than he’d thought it would._

_“Seán,” came a gentle murmur. The body shifted and lifted itself above Jack, blocking whatever nonexistent light there was in the dreamworld. Jack blinked owlishly up at Felix, shocked into stupidity by seeing those blue eyes dark with desire as they looked down at him. “Let me return the favor,” Felix murmured, before dipping down to capture Jack’s lips in a kiss._

Then Jack woke up, as Felix got out of bed beside him with a loud groan and a stretch of his arms. 

The thing about falling asleep next to a human was that it made the mind more inclined to dream of humans. And when Jack didn’t have nightmares, he only had incredibly nice dreams that left his tones curling and body relaxed when he woke up. Jack wasn’t like most kids— sex dreams were basically a blessing and got his day off to a great start. They gave him the best way to wake up— well rested and filled with pleasure, whether he got off in the dream or got himself off afterwards. Jack didn’t see those sorts of dreams as a bad thing because he had a lock on the door and no siblings. 

Of course, this same thought process didn’t work when he was in someone else’s bed. 

He prayed Felix hadn’t noticed, and really begged that he hadn’t said anything, god forbid a name. He felt clammy rather than relaxed, and like his chest was too tight. There was this wad of guilt in his heart, so he held his breath just to keep his brain from descending too deeply into chaos. Shut down the brain, shut down the panic. 

The shower turned on, just down the hall. Jack took the moment to look over the room he was in. He hadn’t been in Felix’s room since he’d come back to Athens, and a lot had apparently changed in here, but not for the better.

The room was so achingly bare. There was no posters on the walls, no photos, no color. The bookshelf was mostly empty with only a few novels that were obviously mandated reading from school. The computer in the right corner of the room was the only thing with any spot of color, lit up red on the inside of the casing, an obviously personal build. The bedsheets Jack was lying under were plain and practically, and the drawn shades were just as bland. Jack felt more like this was a jaded adult’s bedroom than Felix’s. Like this person had given up all individuality in the face of responsibility. 

This room didn’t feel like Felix at all, and honestly? After the dream? That helped. He didn’t feel as guilty anymore, even though he knew he would mourn who Felix had been soon enough. At least Jack could look around this room, cock still hard and leaking in his pants— Felix just down the hall, naked and dripping— and not feel like a complete piece of shite. Jack resisted the urge to just turn on his back and rub one out while he could. Otherwise, he was going to have a serious case of blue balls for the rest of the day. 

But this was Felix’s bed, and he'd already violated all of his promises enough in his sleep. Jack wasn’t about to dig himself another foot deeper into this hole. 

The shower shut off, which was also weird, because Felix had been notorious for taking twenty minute showers, yet here he was, finishing off at five. Jack had half a mind to ask if there was anything wrong, but the other half warned him that the shower may have been an excuse for Felix out of bed while Jack was humping the fucking sheets. Shame curled deep in his gut again. 

“Jack.”

Jack made a show of moving slowly when he lifted his head, hoping Felix would think he was asleep. Felix smiled when their eyes met. “Dude, you look fucking exhausted,” he said. “Want breakfast? I’ve got something I can nuke if you need it before we grab Mark and Michael.”

“I think I’m good,” Jack said, still lying in bed, trying to make himself sound as tired as possible. His dick was still painfully hard. God, his boxers were a mess too, he was going to need to get a change of underwear or something. Jack cast his glance to Felix’s wardrobe and wondered if it would be too fucked up to borrow a clean pair. They’d done it before. They’d shared clothes as kids and hadn’t cared. But now that they were older, it seemed far too suggestive. Except Jack was also desperate and he did not want to go through the day with sticky drawers. “Fe’…”

Felix had been leaving the room, presumably to get himself breakfast, but paused when he heard Jack. “What’s up?” he asked when Jack didn’t continue.

“I, uh… could I borrow some pants?”

“Which pants are we talking about?” Felix asked.

Jack went bright red. 

“I’m gonna take your silence as a response,” Felix snorted. “Dude, I know you’re a clean freak. I did my laundry just a few days ago, anyways, and most of it’s new, so don’t worry about cooties or anything.” Jack could hear the exasperation in Felix’s voice. He wondered why Felix wasn’t taking this concept as seriously as Jack was. The blush was spreading from Jack’s cheeks and up his face. “If you want, you can color coordinate with me. I’m wearing green boxers. You should definitely go with something like red, since they’re complementary.”

“Fuck off,” Jack choked out, the tips of his ears bright red and heated at this point.

“We’ll be super cute all day and only we’ll know!” Felix giggled, sounding way too excited. “And they’re Christmas colours! This is a great idea, Jack, mark my words.”

“Please don’t mention Mark while we’re talking about me wearing yer pants,” Jack groaned.

“Your boyfriend will be fine.” All of the laughter was suddenly gone from Felix’s voice. “Grab whatever you need, I don’t care. I’ll be downstairs. Be ready to leave in fifteen minutes.” When Felix was gone, Jack crawled out of bed, feeling a little bit more like shit than before. He kept his expression empty as he changed into a pair of Felix’s boxers. The pants were red. He wouldn’t say anything to Felix, but the gesture just helped ease his conscience minutely.

He went downstair and caught the tail end of Felix’s breakfast, which looked to be a poorly microwaved ham sandwich and an apple. Hardly the breakfast of kings, and another odd change. Felix used to scarf down a feast for breakfast and not eat again until dinner. Such a small breakfast, coupled with the fact that Jack couldn’t remember Felix eating at all yesterday, had him worried. Felix looked good, hell yeah he did, but just barely off the side of too skinny. It occurred to Jack that things weren’t necessarily improving for Felix like Amy had suggested a few days ago.

“You should eat more,” Jack said, because his brain didn’t function well so early and with his dick stubbornly at half mast. Felix narrowed his eyes at Jack like he didn’t understand. “Ye’ used to eat so much. Now, this is the first time I’ve ever seen ye’ eat. You should eat more.”

Felix snorted an empty laugh. “Sure thing, Jack.” He tossed away the apple core and snatched up his keys from the table. “Mark’s waiting, I’m sure. Let’s get moving.”

“It was nice sleeping next to you,” Jack said offhandedly. Again, his brain was not fully functioning. He couldn’t really control most of the shit that came from his mouth. “I mean, I, uh, I do enjoy sleeping and stuff,” he struggled to explain when Felix gave him a bewildered look. “And you’re warm and shit, and like I said yesterday, I have missed ye’. I’ve missed ye’ lots and I’m just really kinda happy to have you again and I, uhm…” Jack shrugged and ran his fingers through his hair. The memory of Felix’s fictional orgasm was fresh in his mind, and he wondered if Felix’s ass really did look that spectacular out of those tight pants. 

God, really, his brain was just a fucking asshole right now. 

“Why are you staring at my crotch?” Felix asked him. 

Jack forcefully shook himself. “Hard night,” he croaked, avoiding Felix’s eyes and body entirely now. 

“You didn’t seem like you had a nightmare.”

Jack smiled tightly. “Nightmares aren’t the worst of what I can do to myself.”

Felix grimaced, but nodded like he understood. “Look, dude, I’m sorry if I upset you.”

Jack blinked slowly. “What?”

“The Mark stuff,” Felix sighed. “I really, really don’t care if you’re with a guy, Jack. And I know you don’t think I care because I care about you being gay, but because of what…” Felix gestured vaguely between them. “Because of what _we_ were. I don’t care if you’ve moved on or whatever, Jack, you can date anyone you want.”

“For the last fucking time, I’m not dating Mark,” Jack groaned in exasperation. “He’s dating Amy and he’s straight as a fucking board!”

“Not just Mark, then,” Felix said. “You can date anyone, and I wouldn’t care.”

“Why the hell are ye’ talkin’ about this?” 

Felix shrugged. “I don’t know. I just, I think you should be able to ate anyone. You seem lonely, you know? Because you’re around happy couples and shit and I don’t know what happened to you after you left, but I feel like just clinging to some ruined homophobic incident to keep you from being with anyone for the rest of your life is a bad idea.” And okay, maybe Felix had a point. It would’ve made more sense of Jack to completely seclude himself from all intimacy after the teacher. It almost wouldn’t make sense for Jack to date anyone after that.

“I had a boyfriend,” Jack said. “Robin.”

Felix looked shocked. “Really? When… What was he like?”

“He was pretty great,” Jack said, feeling like it was weird to talk about his ex with Felix. “He was the one who got my into video games and shit. He liked animating, was super artistic.” Was Swedish and blond, but he wasn’t going to admit to that. “He was funny, too. And he was cute and just…” Jack shrugged and pressed the palm of his hand into his left eye. “I dunno, Fe’. I did date. And there isn’t anyone I wanna date here, so.”

Felix nodded, looking away. “… I dated this guy named Ken.”

“Yeah?” Jack felt a knife twist in his stomach, but he had to show Felix the same understanding that Felix had shown him. “What was he like?”

“A big fucking mistake,” Felix said. “Ready to leave?”

Jack faltered, wishing he could press. “I, uh, yeah. I guess.”

“Good, because we’re technically running late.” 

They got into the truck and drove to Mark’s place in relative silence, giving Jack time to think. So maybe it was weird that Jack had moved on relatively quickly into another relationship after the incident. He probably shouldn’t have told Felix, as it could easily be seen as something close to an insult. 

Still, Felix said he had dated too, so that had to mean something. But why was this Ken guy such a mistake? Jack couldn’t imagine anything bad happening, couldn’t imagine Felix being anything than the loyal, dutiful companion he was in all of his relationships. Could it even have been Felix’s fault? What if the guy had cheated on Felix?

The idea had anger curling in his gut, red hot and uncomfortable. That had to be the most unfair thing to ever happen. First Felix would lose Jack to Jack’s own cowardice. Then, after having the courage to open himself up again to another person, he’d be betrayed once more. The idea made Jack so mad that it was disgusting. Whoever this fucking Ken was better hope that Jack wouldn’t find out what had happened and where this asshole lived.

“Wanna get him?”

Jack jumped when Felix’s voice suddenly rang out a little too loudly in the cab. Felix startled when Jack startled, then let out a nervous laugh. “Did you fall asleep again?” he asked. 

Jack just shook his head and got out of the truck, going to the front door and knocking. Mark opened the door a little too quickly, shoes on, backpack across his shoulders, eyes wide and bright. Mark was way too fucking awake for this. “Good morning, Jack,” he greeted in a low voice, like he knew exactly how not ready for the day Jack was. “I’m so pleased to see you.”

“Get in the car, Mark,” he said. 

“You’re downright overjoyed as well, I can see that.” Mark snickered and passed Jack, waving to Felix as he approached the truck. “We’re getting Michael next, right? Id like to sit in the back with him if you think he’d be okay with it.”

“Seats are still down,” Jack replied. They got back in and Felix drove them to Brad’s place with much less silence than before, because Mark could fucking talk when he wanted to. He went on and on about absolutely nothing, talking about his schoolwork and band and how Ethan was faking being sick to get out of school today, and all this shit, and Felix was actually responding to a lot of it. 

Jack sat back and listened to Felix and Mark talk, more than a little interested. They got the same kind of jokes, apparently, they were both interested in the same things. They both liked video games (but really, none of Jack’s friends didn’t), they both liked making music, they both saw themselves starting some sort of business one day, they both volunteered (and that was a surprise to Jack). While Jack didn’t learn anything necessarily new about the two boys, he did learn that Felix had a lot more in common with Mark than he did with Jack these days, and that was a sobering realization. Felix had been so certain Jack had been dating Mark, when really, Felix could’ve been the one dating Mark. 

“I’m just saying that there’s a definite gradual decline in the youth of today,” Mark was saying when Jack suddenly started paying attention again and stopped thinking about Mark and Felix dating. “Whether it be grades, ambition, mental health, whatever. Something is really broken and I think it goes back to the parents. It’s a steady decline and it really does worry me.”

“What the hell are you two talking about?” Jack asked. 

“Something about the state of the youths,” Felix said. “I, I was doing my best to follow, I really was, just. I get lost in ideas from time to time, sorry. We were supposed to be talking about the Econ homework and instead we got into this.”

“I don’t mind,” Mark said with a pleased smile. “It isn’t often I get to talk about things like that. I do enjoy it.”

“Too heavy for me,” Jack said with a grimace. “‘M always worried I’ll say something wrong and really offend someone. Which, like, whatever. I can offend people, I just don’t want to offend my friends and shit, who I’d probably be having that conversation with.”

“You’ve never offended me,” Felix told him as he turned into the long dirt driveway of Brad and Emma’s place. Jack faltered. He almost wanted to ask about how he’d fucking ditched Felix for two years over a kiss under the stairs. That seemed like something that would offend Felix. “Well, wait, maybe you have.” Jack tensed. Felix smirked. “The time you told me that Spiderman is better than Iron Man. As fucking if, dude! Spiderman is cool and shit, but he isn’t shit compared to Iron Man.”

“Iron Man doesn’t have any powers!” Jack defended. “Out of the suit, he’d just fucking collapse! There’s no way for him to survive against Spiderman out of costume. Peter Parker would destroy Tony Stark.”

“Tony Stark would never be without the suit,” Felix argued. “He’d have a suit in his fucking watch. Meanwhile Peter Parker can, and has, many times, run out of webbing. Plus, Peter is mentally weak. The dude has all of these attachments and dumb shit and you really just have ti capture one of two fucking hundred different people to manipulate him.”

“Tony Stark is an alcoholic,” Jack spat.

“Recovering alcoholic,” Felix corrected. “Which proves him to way more emotionally solid than Peter Parker, teenager and dumbass. Peter Parker is cute and shit, but he’s a fucking idiot half the time.”

“You don’t even read the Spiderman comics,” Jack grumbled, crossing his arms and slouching in his seat. Felix laughed as he pulled up in front of the house. Michael came out of the front door, eyes bright and alert and very surprising to see. He waved happily at Jack, then bounded towards the car. Emma stood in the doorway, gave a little wave of her own, but that was it. 

Michael climbed into the back, not even slowing for a second when he saw Mark. He did smile shyly, avoid Mark’s eyes, but he was put off by his presence or anything. Felix looked relieved. “You got the cables?” he asked. Michael fished the jumper cables from his bag and held them up while Felix back out of the property. “Good boy,” Felix snorted, smiling crookedly. Michael preened at the praise. 

“Thank you for grabbing those,” Mark said. If Michael were a dog, his ears would flatten. He smiled shakily, but didn’t respond. “I hate to imagine what’s happened to my poor little car,” Mark continued anyways. “It’ll bet there’s already, like, eighty banana spiders all nestled in the engine. And there’s definitely a raccoon in there too.”

“Or a wild dog,” Felix said.

“Or chickens,” Jack added. “The Moody chickens is what we used to call them. Whatever happened to Mr. and Mrs. Moody, Fe’? I didn’t see them the other day.” Please don’t be dead.

“They’re on a honeymoon,” Felix said, smiling. “In Barbados.”

“Oh, thank fuck.”

“You totally thought they were dead, huh?”

Jack didn’t deny it. 

“You morbid piece of shit.” Felix chuckled and shook his head. “I fucking swear to god, you want to find a dead body one day. You’re, like, literally crossing your fingers when you go outside, hoping to find a dead body. That’s the kind of person you are.”

“You should take up jogging if you want that,” Mark chimed in. “It’s always the joggers who find the corpses. Almost makes you a little suspicious, huh? After all, criminals always return to the scene of the crime.”

Michael choked on a giggle, like he hadn’t expected to laugh, and really, the joke wasn’t even that funny, so Jack wasn’t sure why he’d laughed either. Regardless, the sound made Mark light up. “I knew I was funny,” Mark said with more than a hint of pride. Felix pulled up in front of the school a few minutes later, parking in his spot. He looked out at the building, then gave a snort.

“Pretty sure your other friends are really gonna hate you for driving with me now,” Felix said. “Especially since you dragged Mark along.”

“Why would they hate you?” Mark asked. Jack winced.

“Dude, I know all about what this school thinks of me.” Felix reached into his glove compartment, not caring if he brushed up against Jack’s thigh and threatened to ruin Jack’s composure. “Drug addict, fag, loser, dropout, whatever. I know all of it and I know what that Kathryn chick thinks of me especially. If they see you getting out of this truck—”

“Ethan said something rather profound the other day,” Mark interrupted softly. “He said that he doesn’t have the right to judge others on the things he doesn’t understand or know enough about. And I think Ethan, for once, is right. No one knows what happened under the stairs, or in that car, or over the summer. So none of us have any right to look down on you two for it.”

Felix narrowed his eyes in the rearview mirror. “Are you just saying that because Jack’s here or because you think it’s true?”

“You drove me and my friends home last night, and now you’re driving me back to Carlton just to help me jumpstart my car and get it home again. I know it isn’t true.”

Felix tapped his finger on the steering wheel, visibly restless. Michael sat behind him, worrying his lower lip between his teeth. Then Michael said, “I believe him. I think you should too. He, he seems really nice. And his friends were really nice too, very nice to me.” It seemed that the way people treated Michael mattered the most to Felix, because only then did he relax and heave a heavy sigh.

“Why don’t you guys come hang out at my place after we get Mark’s car?” Felix finally offered. “I’ll order pizza or something, we can watch a movie.”

“That sounds awesome,” Mark said. “Can I invite Amy too? My girlfriend.”

Felix frowned. “So, she’s… she’s actually your girlfriend?”

“Jesus fucking christ, Felix,” Jack groaned. Mark looked between, seeming confused. “He thinks you and I are dating!” Jack exclaimed, wanting to throw his hands into the air. “Even after I told him Amy’s yer fuckin’ girl, you’re straight as all hell, and definitely not interested in me, or vice versa.”

“Oh, I’d totally woo the hell out of you, Jack,” Mark deadpanned. “Flowers and chocolate and blowjobs in a dark movie theatre.”

Jack tried to sputter out some sort of protest as Michael laughed again. 

“Good to know,” was all Felix said. 

“I’ve gotta go see my girl,” Mark said, pulling his bag over his shoulder. “See you after class! We should watch something educational so I can tell my parents I’m studying. Thanks again for the ride!” Mark was out of the car and towards the school within seconds. 

Jack smirked. “Told ye’ he wasn’t me boyfriend.” He got out of the car, but not before he heard Felix let out a long groan of shame. With a wide grin on his face, Jack followed Mark and tried to think of any good documentaries they could numb their minds to.


	9. Chapter 9

“I don’t really know what kind of pizza any of you like,” Felix said later that night. They were home from the quarry after jumpstarting the car, back at Felix’s place a few minutes before Mark and Michael. Felix had been a little nervous to let Michael go with Mark— especially since Mark was going to be picking up Amy— but Michal had seemed confident enough. Now Felix and Jack were alone in Felix living room, Jack choosing a movie and Felix uselessly poking at his phone.

“Is Amy vegetarian?” Felix asked. “Are any of you vegetarians? If you’re a vegetarian, I’ll eat my shoe.”

“I’m not a vegetarian,” Jack snorted. “I love choking on some hot meat.”

“Oh thank god that’s stayed the same,” Felix said, still looking at his phone. “I can order, like, cinnamon sticks and shit, and I can get wings, but I don’t… I mean, I can take the safe route. Cheese pizza, then a meat lovers. Can we eat two extra large pizzas?”

Jack made a face. “We used to be able to between you and me alone.” Again, he was worried Felix wasn’t eating enough these days. “O’ course we can put away two with the five of us. Really, ye’ shouldn’t worry about the food. Whatever’s left over can be lunch tomorrow. It doesn’t really matter, right?”

“I guess it doesn’t,” Felix sighed. “I just…”

Felix trailed off, looking a little uncomfortable. It occurred to Jack that Felix still didn’t feel like he could talk to Jack like they used to. He didn’t blame Felix for thinking that way, he just wished he’d never fucked things up to this extent. “Ye’ can tell me, Fe’,” he said, trying to go for gentle. Jack dropped onto the couch beside Felix, knees curled to his chest. “If it’s a secret, I won’t tell a soul. You know that about me.”

Felix groaned and pressed his fingers into his eyes. “… I really just don’t want to leave a bad impression.”

“What?” Since when had Felix ever cared about that?

“You know that the school doesn’t like me,” Felix explained. “Faculty hates me, student body hates me, and it’s all whatever, I really don’t care. Ken was the golden boy, Michael’s basically a stain, and a lot went wrong within one year, all at once. So I’m really not that great of a person to anyone in that school and I… I don’t really like it that way.” He grimaced and tugged at his hair. “I don’t like it when everyone either won’t meet my eyes or whispers behind my back. I hate having teachers think that I’m some sort of lowlife who’s barely smart enough for anything. The only faculty that doesn’t outright hate me is the band teacher.” 

Felix sat back, setting the phone to his side. Jack was sitting facing him, wanting Felix to know he was listening intently. “I’m just, like, I’m tired of being hated. And your friends are really the first people to actually kinda be friendly outside of school and shit. Yeah, Mark’s great in class, but I’ve never really seen him outside of it, and I’ve never really had the guts to ask. And like, it’s really my fault. Being friends with the twitchy druggie, being friends with Brad? It’s just not a good reputation to have.”

“Twitchy druggie?” Jack asked with a frown.

“Not my words,” Felix sighed. “These people really don’t understand what happened to Michael. He started smoking this summer, everyone assumed he was a drug addict before that, but he really wasn’t, he just looked like it cause he had pretty bad insomnia even before everything.”

“Before being kidnapped,” Jack intoned. 

“If only that were the worse of it.” Felix picked up his phone again. “I’m just gonna order three pizzas and hope I don’t, like, ruin something and make Mark hate me. Mark’s known for liking everyone, but I am really good at fucking up.”

“Jesus, Felix, your self esteem is total shite,” Jack told him. 

Felix groaned and dropped his head back against the sofa. “I just tend think that things can’t get worse, but then they always do. Is that dramatic?”

“A little.”

Felix nodded, making a face. “You’re probably right. Even if I end up making Mark hate me, it’s not like Michael’s going anywhere.”

“Or me,” Jack said. 

“Or you,” Felix agreed. “Kinda not used to thinking that again,” he admitted with a chuckle. “Gotta say, it’s been weird to have you back. When you left, I honestly did not believe you’d have come to Georgia again. Like, that was never in the cards. Never occurred to me. But here you are, and…” Felix smiled. “It’s been good.”

Jack shoved his shoulder. “Order the fuckin’ pizzas, Fee-Fee, and stop gettin’ gay on me.”

“It’s all I know how to do!” Felix protested. “And I’m ordering it, I’m ordering, okay? It’ll be here in, like, thirty minutes. When will they get here, do you think? I hope Michael’s doing okay, I’m really surprised he went with Mark.”

“He’s a big boy, Felix, he can make decisions for himself,” Jack chided. “You’re not his dad.”

“You’re right, I’m his mom,” Felix said. “And I always know what’s best for my little boy.” He sat up straight, turning his attention to the TV. “Help me pick a movie that won’t embarrass the shit out of me with your friends. Also, tomorrow’s the weekend, so you’re staying the night again.”

Jack tensed. The dream of the night before shoved itself into the forefront of Jack’s mind. He could vividly picture Felix’s body writhing in pleasure and could hear those delicious noises in his ear like stereo. A blush overcame Jack’s cheeks and there was literally no way to get out of this without upsetting Felix.

“Dude, you’re pink,” Felix said, glancing to him. “Did I say something?”

“I, uh. No.”

“Wow. I so believe you, Jack. One hundred percent. I’ve never heard a better truth-er than you. So much legitimate. Much not-lies.”

“Fuck you, Felix.”

“Seriously, you’re blushing.” Felix snorted. “And you were calling me gay. What the hell’s wrong?”

“Just had a weird dream,” Jack grumbled. He’d said too much. Felix’s eyes lit up.

“Oh my god, did you have a sex dream?” Felix demanded, getting way too excited for this sort of thing. He slapped at the couch, turning his body towards him. “Jacky, Jacky, dirty details. I need those dirty details.”

“What the hell, Fe’.”

“Dude, c’mon, we always used to tell each other about the weird shit we dream,” Felix snickered. “Remember my dream with Kate Winslet and Matthew McConaughey? Or that crazy one with Hayden Christiansen? What about the time you and I dreamed about literally the same thing with Han Solo?”

“We dream about a lot of Star Wars shit,” Jack suddenly realized. 

“It’s probably a fetish,” Felix said. “What did you dream about?”

“I don’t want to tell ye’,” Jack said stubbornly. There was no way in hell he was going to admit that he’d had a god damn sex dream about Felix. That was just one step too far in the completely wrong direction.

Felix pouted. “Ja~ack,” he whined. “We’re supposed to be friends again! Friends tell friends the truth. I just poured my heart out for you, and yet now you can’t even tell me about your sex dreams. It’s just not fair, Jacky. Are we even real anymore?”

“Ye’ fucking cocksucker,” Jack said. “Low blow.” He sighed heavily, then readier himself to lie. “I, uh, dreamed about Robin.” Very close, Jack could get away with describing a lot and not outright have to lie. 

“Your ex?” Felix asked. “Dude, why did you guys break up?”

“Because I left Ireland?”

“Well, maybe.” Felix shrugged. “Could’ve tried the long distance thing. Just seems like you wouldn’t dream about someone you didn’t really care about.”

“I was horny, Fe’, not in love. There’s a difference.”

It was Felix’s turn to blush. “I mean, I guess. But if you really didn’t love him or anything, then have you ever loved any—”

The doorbell rang, followed by a shouting that sounded vaguely like Michael making a ruckus from behind the door, and Mark shouting about a movie he brought. “See? Michael’s not dead,” Jack said with a snort. “He’s totally fine, so don’t fret, Mama Bear.”

“I need my baby,” Felix whimpered, jumping over the back of the couch and bounding to the front door. He threw it open and wrapped Michael up in his eyes, sobbing dramatically. “I thought you were gone forever!” he wailed. “ _Min lilla bebis! Jag alskar dig!_ ”

“ _Hilfe!_ ” Michael cried out, struggling to get out of Felix’s arms. “ _Fassen Sie mich nicht an! Ich brauche die Polizei!_ ”

“I don’t understand you, so I can’t help you,” Mark said.

“Mark!” Jack called out. “Get in here!”

Mark soon appeared over the couch, grinning down at Jack and waving a plastic case in the air. Jack squinted and saw the Jurassic World label clear across the front. Jack’s jaw dropping. “I’m in love with ye’, Mark,” he said, dead serious. “Best fuckin’ movie ever. I could literally suck your dick for bringing that.”

“Don’t put me out of business, Jack,” Amy snorted as she slung herself into the armchair to the left of the sofa. “I’m starving, though. Is there any food?”

“Pizza’s on the way,” Felix said. “What movie did he bring?”

“Jurassic World!” Jack exclaimed. “Best fucking movie ever!”

“Callback to the weird dreams thing, remember when you made out with Princess Leia on a Brachiosaurus?”

“Seriously, Fe’, way too many fucking Star Wars dreams,” Jack groaned. 

“Pizza’s taking too long!” Amy whined. “Mark, put in the movie so I can have my stomach growls harmonize with the dinos. It’ll be the most beautiful soundtrack of all.”

“The pizza will be here soon,” Felix said. “I promise. And, uh, the player is the playstation, so just—”

“Oh I am all over this,” Mark said, dropping to the ground in front of the TV. For all of his confidence, and his refusal for help, it took Mark about five minutes to figure out the damn TV. The pizza came just as Mark had succeeded, and they started the movie immediately, and everything was okay, it really was. Maybe Jack couldn’t focus as well on the film as he usually would because his thigh was pressed against Felix’s, but that was just a minor detail. Everything was fine. Everything was fine.

The raptors were trying to devour the poor little pig when the touching finally became a little too much for Jack. There was only so much body heat he could take from Felix without remembering the weight of Felix’s body on his own. So he pulled his leg away and brought his feet onto the couch, crossing his ankles, making himself as small and fucking possible. He saw Felix stretch his leg out further before he felt the touch again. Jack’s ears were burning. 

Then Felix kept fucking shifting. He squirmed his body down the couch, then slung his entire fucking leg up and behind Jack, resting his calve on the back of the sofa. His other leg slung itself over Jack’s knee’s, and his spread legs and crotch face Jack. Felix kept watching the screen with an innocent enough expression, resting his head in Michael’s lap. Like he was just tempting Jack into picturing what Felix would look like, legs spread, with a little less denim.

Jack tore his eyes from Felix and the screen and just looked anywhere else in the fucking room. Instead of finding some sort of distraction, he saw Mark watching him with a mischievous glint. Mark knew exactly what Felix was doing to him (however unintentionally) and Jack had no idea how Mark could know. Jack had always been nothing but adamant that whatever had happened between him and Felix was done and over with. There was no way Mark could know about Jack’s current inner turmoil. 

Mark mouthed something to him, then just oh-so slightly thrusted his hips into the air in a suggestive manner. Amy slapped his arm, winked at Jack, then went back to eating her pizza. Meat Lover’s had apparently been an excellent choice. Jack narrowed his eyes at nothing and clenched his hands into fists. He would not look back at Felix, down that body with the strong thighs, flat stomach, pink scar, fucking sex appeal personified. And he would not look back to the movie because he would start to associate these feelings of anxiety with one of his favorite films and that would effectively ruin Jurassic Park for him forever. 

Although really, the thought of having Chris Pratt and Felix at the same time was a step beyond a dream come true. Jack could just imagine it, Felix sandwiched between Jack and the fucking gorgeous Chris Pratt, the sounds of Felix’s gasps and the moans of Chris, and all the miles of shining skin, those large hands leaving bruises on Felix’s pale body, jesus fucking christ, Jack, jesus christ, stop, he is in the fucking living room with Felix’s crotch facing him with Chris Pratt on the screen and Jack was having inappropriate thoughts of a three way. There was no way he would ever come back from getting a boner with people getting eaten by a monstrous dinosaur onscreen. 

“Are there any wings left?” Felix asked. He lifted himself with his fucking ab muscles alone, but he didn’t move his legs. No, Felix pressed his front completely against Jack’s side and reached over him to grab at the box of chicken wings on the coffee table. Jack could feel every intimate inch of Felix’s chest and became keenly aware of the lower regions. Now Jack’s entire face was red, and Amy was the one making the hip thrusting motions. Jack wasn’t sure how he’d managed to make friends with such fucking assholes. Felix lied back down without ceremony, like he hadn’t just made Jack’s growing problem even fucking worse. 

Amy and Mark were trying to stifle their laughter now, and during a quieter dialogue scene, Felix finally noticed all the fuckery happening. “What’s so funny?” he asked with a frowned, sitting up again, getting way too fucking close again. Amy started to howl with laughter when Jack had to shove his hands over his eyes, because Felix’s hand was _right there_ on his upper thigh, and way too close to a sensitive area to be safe. 

“Felix, Felix, have mercy on the poor guy,” Mark was laughing, getting out of his seat to pull Felix off of Jack. Felix still looked like he had no clue what was happening, which was expected, because Felix was actually just really fucking dense when it came to this shit. One time a girl had asked him out, directly to his face, and Felix hadn’t understood that it was in a romantic way. Because apparently asking someone out was code for wanting to help someone with their math homework. Jack wasn’t actually sure how Felix had managed to figure out Jack’s attraction for Felix back then. 

“I was just watching the fucking movie,” Felix grumbled. He kicked a leg out, then stopped. “… Where’s Michael?”

Jack sat up straight in his seat, looking around with almost as much concern as Felix. “Did he leave?” Michael had just been on the other side of the couch, there was no way he could’ve just left, he couldn’t have. Felix was on his feet and searching the downstairs in less than an instant. Amy and Mark got up as well as Jack darted upstairs. He slung into Felix’s room, then let out a huge gust of relief. “Fe’!” he called out, watching Michael strew himself across Felix’s bed with a smoking blunt between his fingertips. “He’s up here!”

Jack went to the bed and sat down on the edge, tapping Michael’s thigh. “The fuck, man?”

“Heard the screaming,” Michael murmured. “Panicked.”

Jack nodded, knowing he was talking about the movie. Michael didn’t look very panicked, but that was probably the point of getting high. He wondered how familiar Michael was with Felix’s bed. Mark had said he was almost positive Michael and Felix were a thing. Jack wondered if Michael had his own share of stories with these sheets. Jack sighed, then dropped back onto the bed, lying beside Michael. “I know we don’t know each other very well,” he said. “But I really do hope you make Felix happy. And… I hope he makes you happy too.”

Michael made a face, though the change of expression took him well beyond a few seconds. “What?”

Felix was in the doorway. “Holy shit, Michael, you fucking scared me!” He climbed onto the bed, crawling atop Michael’s legs, straddling his thighs. Having a full belly seemed to make Felix uncharacteristically comfortable when it came to touching others in front of others. “Just fucking run off and smoke your shit.” Felix shook his head and reached down to run his fingers through Michael’s hair. Jack would’ve seen the gesture as motherly if he didn’t know better. “You’re gonna be the death of me, Michael.”

“Not for lack of trying,” Michael giggled. 

“Smells like drugs and dumb boys,” Amy said as she let herself into the room. “Can I take a hit of that?” Mark looked absolutely shocked that Amy asked. Michael held the blunt in the air, letting Amy take it as she walked past to sit in the chair at the desk that had Felix’s laptop. She took in a long drag of the blunt, smirking at Mark as he continued to look shocked. “C’mon, Markimoo, I’m not that boring.”

“Permission to take a hit as well, so I don’t seem like one of those lame kids?” Mark said, waggling his brow. “Just one. So I can say I’ve done it. Then no one will ever peer pressure me into it again. My girlfriend won’t be able to make fun of me, either.”

Amy laughed and held up the blunt for Mark to take. 

“The both of you are a very attractive pair,” Michael said with a sleepy drawl to his voice. He was smiling over at Amy and Mark, like he enjoyed watching them be happy. “I hope to one day be in your place.”

“Jesus, Michael, put the filter back on your mouth,” Felix said. 

“I think it’s sweet,” Amy hummed. “I’m sure you’ll find a great guy or girl or whoever to settle down with. You’ll make just about anyone happy. Your smile is infectious and stuff, and you’re nice. Plus, super cute. Just about anyone would want to date you.” Jack wondered why Felix and Michael weren’t out. 

Michael laughed, and it was self deprecating. Felix’s expression darkened. “No one will ever want me,” Michael said. ‘“No one except that man. And he ruined me for it.”

Felix made a snapping motion towards Amy, signaling that he wanted the blunt. “Michael, shut the fuck up,” he said firmly, taking the blunt and putting it in between Michael’s lips forcefully. “Your head’s not in the right place. You’re not going to talk about this right now.”

“Not talk about what?” Michael asked lowly. “The man who kidnapped and raped me?”

Felix shut his eyes and breathed hard through his nose. Jack kinda felt like he’d been suddenly slapped and he couldn’t tear his eyes from Felix, because Michael didn’t seem like he cared. Michael had just dropped this bombshell of awful, Amy looked like she was about to cry, Mark was literally rethinking every aspect of his life, and Felix… Felix looked wrecked. He looked years older, and tired, and worn out, broken down and destroyed. Jack couldn’t say enough to describe how horribly beaten down Felix looked. 

“I told you we’re not going to talk about that when you’re like this,” Felix said, his voice scraping the edge of too much emotion. “Just smoke and shut the fuck up.”

Michael reached out, pressing the palm of his and to the side of Felix’s neck. “I can feel your heartbeat,” he said. “This is very good shit.”

Felix smacked his hand away, scowling. “You didn’t listen to me, you asshole. I’ve told you to shut up twice now, so just fucking lie there, smoke your fucking shit, and stop ruining everyone’s day. If you’re not careful, you’re gonna fuck yourself up for tonight. You won’t sleep. You won’t eat for days. You’ll dry up and wither away and I'm not gonna sit by and watch you do that again, okay? So fucking listen to me.”

“I wish to take a nap,” Michael slurred. 

“Then take a fucking nap,” Felix said, getting off of Mark to throw the sheets over Michael’s lower body. “Don’t set my bed on fire.” He gestured in the air and Jack followed him out of the room with Amy and Mark close behind. “We can finish the movie if you guys want,” Felix said, his voice still just so wrecked. “I’ll order more food or whatever. I, uh. I’ve got to go to the bathroom. I’ll be downstairs in a bit, okay?” He disappeared into his parents bedroom.

Amy and Mark both looked to Jack. “Should we go?” Amy asked, her voice way too understanding.

Jack’s mind was still reeling from what Michael had said. He’d always seen Athens as a quiet, safe place. He’d apparently been very wrong. Jack shook his head. “Not unless you want to. Honestly, if you leave, he’ll probably feel like shit over it. I-I know it’s a lot to ask, but…”

“If anything, I’d like to make sure he has someone nearby,” Amy said. 

“Did you know?” Mark asked. “You kinda hinted at something bad happening to Michael, but…”

“I just knew about the kidnapping,” Jack murmured. “Not. Not the other stuff.”

“Holy shit,” Mark breathed.   
“We’ll be downstairs,” Amy said. “We don’t really want to leave, we promise. I think it would be nice to give Felix a nice fun night regardless of all of this, right? Sun’s still out. Everything’s gonna be fine.” She smiled and rested a hand on Jack’s arm. “Go check on him. We’re gonna make something a little better than pizza. He didn’t eat much, anyways.”

Jack smiled a bit. “Can’nae thank ye’ both enough.”

“Get his mood back up,” Mark said. “However you need.” He gave Jack a showboating wink. “I’m sure you can handle that, champ.”

“How have you gone from somber to ridiculous as fuck in a matter of seconds?” Jack asked, shaking his head. “Bottle it up, right? Don’t cry until later.”

“Compartmentalizing,” Mark affirmed with a grin. “It’s the best of the worst ways to cope.” He reached down, threading his fingers with Amy. “We’ll work our shit out in the kitchen, probably. We’ve all known the rumors about Felix and Michael, it’s just… It’s hard to hear what’s the truth. When it’s something like this.”

Jack nodded. “I get it.”

“We’ll see you in a little, Jack,” Amy said. “Take care of him. Let’s hope Michael stays asleep.”

Jack nodded and slipped into Felix’s parents’ bedroom. It was a weird place to be, especially since Felix’s parents definitely hadn’t been in the room for ages. The thought of Felix’s mother just walking out on him like that for the staircase incident made Jack all the more grateful for his own mother. He wondered if he’d remembered to tell her he loved her the last he’d seen her. Jack would make sure to say it now, every chance he had. 

He couldn’t imagine how that must’ve felt. To know you were the reason your father now slept alone and why you wouldn’t have your mother scream for you when you graduated. No more unwanted hugs or public embarrassment or that one woman you could always count on to never turn their back on you and say cruel words when you weren’t listening. That unconditional love was gone from Felix’s life, and even though Felix’s father was still there, it couldn’t be the same. It couldn’t be what he needed.

Jack found Felix in the bathroom, hands braced on the counter, leaning forward with his head pressed to the glass. The sink was running and his eyes were shut.”Fe’?” Jack called out as kindly as he could, but his voice still made Felix jump.

“ _Jävla fan_ ,” Felix breathed, pressing his hand to his chest. “You’re gonna fucking kill me, Seán, jesus christ.” Felix turned to face him, abandoning the reflection of the mirror. Felix ran his other hand through his hair. He stared through Jack, seeing him in a way Jack didn’t want to think about. “Are they gonna leave?”

“No,” Jack said. “They’re gonna make more food. Because Mark apparently never stops eating, and he’s gonna raid your kitchen. Amy’s making sure he doesn’t burn anything down.” Jack paused. “… Michael is asleep.”

Felix's hand flinched at Michael’s name. Jack sighed. “No one’s freaking out about it, Felix, not like you probably think we should be. It was kinda weird to hear him just say it like it was nothing, but… We don't think any less of him, okay? We’re not assholes. We wouldn’t ever do something like that. Wouldn’t think like that.”

“Yeah, that’s not really something I was ever worried about,” Felix said with a tight smile. 

“Then what was it?” Jack pressed, trying to be gentle, trying to be considerate. He couldn’t read Felix like he used to. Too much shit had happened while Jack was away, he understood that now. Maybe he’d get the occasional glimpse into who Felix had been, but it would always be temporary. 

Felix shook his head. His hand went from his hair to his face. “… I can’t stand hearing it,” he finally said. “I know it’s pretty fucked up. Michael was the one who went through that, he’s the kid still making himself go to school even though that shit happened, like, two months ago. He’s the one turning to drugs and screaming himself awake at night and jumping at shadows. I’m just… I’m just the one who’s watching.”

“Ye’ knew him before that happened, right?” Jack asked. “He’s been yer friend.”

“For a while now, yeah,” Felix affirmed. “Car accident and shit. The craziest things can really bring people together. But not… Not what happened in August.” He let out a shaky breath. “I can’t stand it, Seán. I can’t stand hearing him talk about it like it’s fucking nothing and then expect everything to blow over like it’s all just so fucking okay, like nothing’s wrong. I can’t listen to him talk about it, it makes me…” He shuddered. “Sick. It makes me sick. To my stomach. To hear him talk about it like it doesn’t matter. Like it doesn’t matter because it happened to him.”

Jack frowned. “What?”

“If it had happened to me, he’d care,” Felix continued. His hands were starting to shake, so Jack took a step closer, wanting Felix to feel a presence, to know he wasn’t alone. “If I’d been the one who’d been fucking taken out of my room with chloroform and a dirty dishtowel, he would care. He wouldn’t blurt it out, he wouldn’t mention it like it doesn’t mean anything. He doesn’t give a shit about himself and it shows in the way he talks about what happened and I hate it.”

“Felix, I…” Jack struggled to put his thoughts to words. “I don’t think that's what he means.”

“Then what does he mean when he just lies in my fucking bed and says he was raped like he’s talking about the groceries he bought that day?” Felix spat. “What else could that fucking mean, Seán?” The repetition of his old name was making Jack a little uncomfortable. “He just fucking barrels through the memory, throws it out there like it’s laundry, and then expects to get over it! It’s like he thinks the more he brings it up, the more he says it, the less it’ll mean each time! Like he’s exposing himself over and over so it’ll stop being important, and it’s fine if that’s working, it’s fine if that’s what he needs, but I know it isn’t, I-I can see it in his face every time he says he was hurt, and I can’t—”

Felix cut himself off, twisting his fingers in his hair like he wanted to tear the strands out. Jack reached out, placing his hand on Felix’s arm. Felix didn’t push him away. Instead, he pulled his hand from his hair and and laid his hand over Jack’s, fingers between fingers. Felix lifted his head and Jack saw tears in his eyes, unshed, but present, even though Felix looked more angry than sad.

“Ye’ care about him a lot,” Jack murmured, Felix’s hand was warm and alive and there was something about the touch that made his heart race. “It’s easy to see. For someone who was…Who went through what he did, he was oddly comfortable with you pinning him to the bed. That kind of trust in someone who wen through that. It doesn’t just mean nothing.” Jack made himself smile. “Ye’ love him, he loves you. Just because he thinks no one will ever want him doesn’t mean he isn’t happy to have ye’.”

Felix made a face. “Please don’t tell me you listen to those shitty rumors. Michael and I aren’t drug addicts, we weren’t drunk that night, and Michael and I aren’t fucking.”

Jack snorted a laugh, knowing it was the wrong thing to do in this moment, but he couldn’t really stifle the reaction. “But Mark said—”

“That entire school is full of fucking idiots,” Felix told him, shaking his head. “Don’t listen to a fucking word, got it? Michael and I, weren’t not… I-I haven’t been that way with anyone since Ken, okay? I’m not able to just jump from person to person like it’s nothing. And Michael isn’t in the right place to be with anyone right now.”

“I am so sorry,” Jack said.

“Fuck, we’re both stupid,” Felix sighed. “You with Mark, me with Michael… Dumbest pair of fucking idiots ever.”

Jack nodded. “… Michael doesn’t mean to hurt ye’ when he says things like that. I-I can just tell. He cares about ye’. He’s grateful. And he trusts ye’ more than anything. And that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t mean he should keep saying it, it just means that… that ye’ shouldn’t hold it against him. Even if what he’s doing isn’t going to help, he thinks it will. And that means something.”

Felix nodded, even though Jack was pretty sure he didn’t entirely believe him. Their fingers were still threaded together. “You really thought me and Michael were a thing? The fucking Austrian and the Swede? C’mon, Jack, just cause I’m a little homesick doesn’t mean I’ll jump any European’s bones.”

“Too bad for me, then,” Jack said thoughtlessly. “Plus, the way ye’ look at him is a little different. Then, back to the whole pinning-him-in-bed thing. Also, he lets ye’ touch him a lot and that’s a little weird. But, I mean, if ye’ really aren’t a thing, then you might wanna, like, uh, stop touching so much? People tend to get the wrong idea. Unless it would freak Michael out.”

“Michael likes the touching,” Felix said. “Makes him feel normal. Something he doesn’t feel often.”

“Is that why he drugs himself up?” Jack asked. “Makes the shakes easier, right? He can face people and act like a normal person when he’s high. He doesn’t have to work so hard to be like everyone else when he’s got the drugs in him.” Jack smiled again. “Makes me think that maybe he only talks about August so flippantly when he’s high. It’s the drugs, Felix, it makes his tongue loose.”

"I guess,” Felix sighed. “Doesn’t make it any easier to hear.”

“Definitely not,” Jack agreed. “But at least you know he’s not out to hurt ye’.”

Felix nodded. He let go of Jack’s hand. “Should we get back downstairs? They’re probably either thinking I’m more of a freak than usual, or they’re making out on the kitchen counter. I really don’t want either of those things. I kinda like them.”

“Mark and Amy are pretty great,” Jack said. “We can go downstairs whenever ye'd like.”

Felix nodded and pat Jack’s shoulder, passing by him. 

Jack paused in following him. “I, uh…” Felix stopped and turned to face him. “Will I ever get to hear about it?” he asked.

“Hear about what?”

“The car accident,” Jack said. “… Ken.”

Felix’s eyes flitted across the bathroom, landing on everything momentarily except for Jack. The air grew tense between them, and Jack was again reminded of little he knew of Felix anymore. “Maybe someday,” he finally said. “Just, not today.”

Jack nodded. “I’ll be ready when you are.”

Felix smiled. This time, it met his eyes. It wasn’t forced. “Let’s not keep those lovebirds waiting any longer, yeah? Time to break up the party.” He touched Jack’s shoulder again, then left him in the bathroom.

All at once, the connotation of that action slapped Jack across the face. For all the talk he’d given about Michael’s trust in Felix, he’d never really noticed the subtle trust Felix placed in him. Because Felix was halfway and orphan, and he wouldn't let just anyone walk around his home. Yet here Jack was, alone in the bathroom of Felix’s broken parents, without a thought. 

It meant more than Jack could’ve ever understood.


	10. Chapter 10

It was three AM and they weren’t in bed yet, probably wouldn’t end up asleep for another few long hours. Jack was tired, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep. Amy had ended up snagging a little more of Michael’s weed that Felix had stashed in the house in case of emergencies. Now Amy was lying across Mark, kissing him lazily and noisily, Mark getting a lovely second hand high from her. 

Felix was asleep, though, and Jack was envious. The Swede was stretched out across an armchair, his chin to his chest, knees up and hanging over the armrest. Jack had a bottle of beer in his hand that he may or may not have taken from the hidden spot underneath the cabinet next to the dishwasher. He knew Felix knew it was there, so he was sure it wasn’t a big deal that he’d taken some. Felix would’ve told him not to if he wasn’t supposed to. 

Everything tasted a little fuzzy, so maybe this wasn’t beer. Maybe it was something a little stronger than he should’ve drank so quickly. He smelled the lip of the bottle and flinched. This wasn’t beer. He had no idea how he’d managed to drink so much of it already without noticing how strong the drink was. 

Jack went back to watching Felix. 

He was feeling warm and loose and Felix looked like he felt the same. Felix’s arm was hanging off the edge of the chair, his fingertips grazing the floor. For a moment, Jack pictured himself on his knees in front of Felix, those fingers on his skin, in his hair, in his _fucking mouth_ , and the blood rushing from his head so suddenly made him dizzy. He shut his eyes, then reopened them, and realized his fantasy hadn’t changed because he hadn’t actually been fantasizing. 

Jack pulled Felix’s fingers from his mouth and slapped weakly at his own face to try and knock himself out of whatever stupidity he had fallen into. His knees hurt from how fast he’d apparently moved across the carpet and the bottle was empty, lying beside him. Shit. Jack was drunk and he wasn’t entirely sure how that had happened. Mark literally passed out kissing Amy and Amy was well on her way. Felix was asleep and adorable and perfect and hot as all fucking hell because he somehow managed to look hot no matter what he did these days. Jack had no one to keep him from making a horrible, drunken mistake. 

He had to stop. Jack had to stop. He couldn’t do anything because Felix was asleep, and doing anything would be wrong, awfully wrong, nigh evil in his mind. Also, Jack wasn’t supposed to be giving in to temptation like this anymore. He was done with Felix, he was done with making dumb mistakes, and after tonight, Jack was decidedly done with drinking.

It was ridiculous, because Jack rarely drank in the first place. What the ever-loving-fuck was he doing with his life? And why was he suddenly nearly nose to nose with Felix? Jack came back to himself to find he was sitting on the very edge of the chair, hip to hip with Felix, Felix’s arm in his lap and his entire head bent downwards, getting all in Felix’s personal face space. It didn’t bother him as much as it should’ve

Up close, Jack could see everything. He studied the gentle wrinkles in the corner of Felix’s eyes, and the bruises beneath. The little pinch in Felix’s nose from where he would sometimes wear glasses. He could watch Felix’s lashes flutter in his sleep, dusting his pale skin like some sort of Sleeping Beauty or Snow White. He could see the subtle changes of pink in Felix’s lips and when Felix shifted in his sleep, darted his tongue out to wet his lips, Jack nearly fucking lost it. He shuddered. His entire body shook. He felt frozen and overheated at the same time. A rush of something swam through his stomach, and Jack was leaning in before he could tell himself how fucking stupid he was.

Luckily, his body was stupid enough for his brain and his forehead knocked forcefully into Felix’s before their lips could meet. Felix cried out and shot into wakefulness, knocking Jack out of his lap and onto the floor. Jack sprawled out on the carpet, his head spinning. He felt a little sick. 

“Seán, what the fuck?!” Felix demanded, rubbing his forehead. Jack decided he looked more adorable than hot right now. Felix’s nose was all scrunched up and sleep clung to the corner of his eyes. Jack giggled, realizing he had just narrowly avoided kissing Felix. He was the best. A definite genius. “Are you drunk?”

Jack shook his head and tried to kick the bottle away from view. Because now that he knew what was happening, he realized that maybe he shouldn’t have gone into the hidden liquor spot. The hidden liquor spot wasn’t Felix’s spot, but Felix’s father. This wasn’t Felix’s alcohol. 

“Jesus christ, Seán,” Felix grumbled, pushing himself out of the chair with a groan. “You drank fucking mead, you get that, right? Fucking mead. You fucking hate mead, how the hell did you drink the whole thing?” Jack didn’t have an answer, because he could’ve sworn that he’d been drinking beer. At least it was a smaller bottle. “Let’s get you off the floor,” and suddenly Jack was being pulled into the air by a pair of strong, lovely hands. Jack flushed faintly when he remembered he’d had those fingers in his mouth literally moments ago. He had quiet a few dreams featuring those fingers. 

“Think you can get some sleep, Jack?” Felix asked him. Jack realized their sides were pressed together, seeping heat into one another. Felix was supporting Jack, helping him walk down the hall. “I saw a second empty bottle in the kitchen. Do you normally drink like this or is it some new habit?” Jack could hear a lingering tone of disappointment. He wished he was sober enough to give a good answer. “Jack, you hearing me?”

“I should’ve been a better friend,” Jack said as the thought suddenly occurred to him. He felt Felix tense a little, but it wasn’t anything crazy.

“You’ve already apologized for leaving,” Felix said. “It's water under the bridge.”

Jack shook his head. That wasn’t what he was talking about, and he told Felix so. “I mean the thing I said after.”

“What?”

“The, the thing. About the disgust.” Jack began to flush again. “We weren’t disgusting, especially not you. You were the most beautiful thing in the world to me underneath those stairs. And ye’ still are.” Jack cleared his throat, shifted his weight and tried to stand. He managed well enough. They were outside Felix’s bedroom. Jack could stand on his own, miraculously, so he turned to face Felix and saw this properly. “Ye’ never disgusted me, Fe’, and I doubt ye' ever really could. I’m sorry for lying and saying that ye’ did. You’re gorgeous. I was just afraid.” He made himself smile, the alcohol making the action easy enough. “Don’t listen to a stupid scaredy cat like me, Fe’. Anything you could ever do will be the most beautiful thing in the world. That’s just who you are.” He pushed open Felix’s bedroom door. “I’m, I’mma go to sleep. Night, Fe’.”

Felix was staring at him like he was about to vomit. “ _Jag hatar de saker du gör mot mig,_ ” Felix said, his voice scraping low at the edges of pained. “Why’d you have to say that now? After I was getting so much better…”

Jack frowned and reached out, his hand swaying drunkenly. He managed to land it on Felix’s bicep. “Hey,” he said, exuding false confidence and easy comfort. “Hey. Gonna be okay, Fe’. ’S all gonna be okay.” He smiled again before leaning in a little unsteadily and placing a kiss to the side of Felix’s face, just a little too close to the side of his mouth. Felix let out this wounded noise and suddenly Jack was stumbling into Felix’s bedroom, the door being shut violently. He found himself alone and it felt a little weird. Jack looked around the wobbly room for a few seconds before giving up. Felix wanted a door between them for a reason. 

He dropped onto the mattress and realized he’d been lying to himself before. Jack most definitely could sleep. 

. . .

He woke up with the worst headache and the nastiest taste in the back of his mouth. The blinds were shut, but he could hear cars and this one fucking bird that couldn’t get its shit under control. It was just screaming at the fucking world, spazzing out, ruining Jack’s fucking day. He growled and threw a pillow at the damn window, where the thing had to be. The pillow didn’t feel like one of his personal fluffy pillows, so Jack forced his eyes open. 

Oh yeah. Felix’s room. The alarm clock said that the day was well into the day, flashing “12:37” in his straining eyes like an asshole. Jack groaned louder. 

The door opened behind him. “Dude, you up?” Felix asked, sounding amused. “I heard sounds of pain. Figured it was you.” Jack groaned even louder, and Felix laughed. “Michael’s awake, he’s gonna get picked up by Brad soon. Mark and Amy are talking about heading out, too. I was wondering if you’d want to do something today. After you finish throwing up your guts, that is.” There was the clatter of some object to his left. Jack turned his head and saw Felix and set down a plate with bacon and eggs on the nightstand. Jack moaned throatily.

“You’re a fuckin’ angel, Fe’,” he said, crawling across the mattress to grab the plate. He saw Felix blush. 

“Do you, uh. You remember much of last night?”

Jack frowned up at Felix, squinting in the low light. His head still throbbed, but the smell of the food was honestly helping. He’d never dealt with alcohol well on an empty stomach. “Wha’ye’ mean?”

Felix shook his head. “If nothing stands out, then no big deal.”

Jack was suddenly cautious. “Did I say something?” he asked. There was a lot of fucked up shit Jack could say. And a lot of it could cause a lot of trouble. “If I said anything dickish, I’m sorry,” he said preemptively. “I, I haven’t actually drank like that in a while. I am sorry.”

“Nothing bad, Seán,” Felix promised softly. “No worries.” Jack watched Felix take in a deep breath, as if he was steadying himself. “So, uh, what do ya say? Wanna hang out today? Just you and me, like old times.”

Dangerous as hell. “Sounds fantastic,” Jack said. “Ye' should come over for dinner tonight.”

“I wouldn’t want to invite myself.”

“Which is why I literally just invited you. Come for dinner, me mum misses ye’.” Jack had eaten all the bacon and tried to figure out how he was going to eat the eggs without any sort of utensil. Felix raised a brow as he watched Jack fumble. “I, uh. I dun’ wanna use me hands, Fe’.”

“Fuck you, I had to carry you to my room,” Felix snorted. “You’re eating with your fingers. Penance for being a piece of shit.”

Jack whined in the back of his throat. “But they’re sunny side up…”

“Better be careful, then. If I find any sort of stain on my bed, I’ll throttle you.” Felix smiled cheerily. “Don’t fuck it up! Be downstairs soon.” He left the room as breezily as he’d come in, leaving Jack in despair over his breakfast. He ended up just scooching it carefully down the plate and nibbling at the edge as it came over the end of the plate. 

He wished he could remember what he could’ve said to Felix that apparently meant something. Drunk Jack wasn’t that awful, he was just a little dumb. Nothing Jack wasn’t used to, though he really hadn’t drunk like that since he and Robin had been in full swing. Robin was a lot more affection after a few beers and the morning after wasn’t usually this bad. Probably because Jack hadn’t woken up alone. He sighed and sat there in Felix’s bed, missing Robin a little. It felt weird. Weird enough to dampen Jack’s neutral mood, so he got out of the bed and grimaced at the fact that he’d slept in his day clothes. 

Downstairs, he found Amy at the island with a plate of food of her own. Mark was at the sink, washing away and humming happily. They both smirked at him when they saw he’d entered the kitchen, twin expressions of teasing delight on their faces. “You had a fun night,” Mark almost sang. 

“How bad was it?” Jack asked with a wince.

“Oh, not too bad,” Amy said. “Just, you know. You tried to make out with Felix in his sleep and you may have finger fucked your own mouth with his hands, but not much else.” 

Jack made desperate hushing noises, darting forward to cover her mouth with his hands. He could feel her smirk now. He hated himself more than a little. “I didn’t,” he said, fearing the truth. “I couldn’t have. Did I?”

“You did, and I have a picture,” Amy said. “Of the finger fuck, not the making out one. I was a little too sleepy at that point. But, uh—” and she pulled out her phone, swiping a few times before holding it up so Jack could see. The picture itself was shitty quality and grainy as hell, but you could still easily make out the image of Jack with Felix’s fingers in his mouth wearing the most wanton expression Jack had ever seen outside of porn. Jack turned bright red and scowled, glaring past the phone to Amy. 

“Delete it,” he snapped. 

“Nah,” she replied. “I’ve got one or two things for blackmailing all my friends. How do you think Mark and I are still dating?”

“I’m not allowed to leave,” Mark said solemnly. “A price I must pay to retain my public image.”

“If you show that to him—” Jack began to threaten.

“Holy shit, dude, I’m a sadist, not a monster.” Amy chuckled. “If anything, I'll only ever remind you of its existence when I want a soda or something. But I would never, ever show Felix this.” She paused. “Unless you finally get your head out of your ass and kiss the boy. Then I’d definitely show him, so you guys can fast forward into the fun, slightly kinkier shit you’re apparently into. But only then, Jack. Only then.”

“You’re a saint,” Jack deadpanned. “I’ll literally pay you to delete it.”

She pouted. “Don’t you want me to have any fun?”

“Amy, Amy, the poor boy is about to sweat out of his skin,” Mark said, intervening like a good friend. “At least get it off your phone so it’s not so easily accessible. Show him some pity.”

“I’ll transfer it to my email,” she sighed, like the action was just a terrible inconvenience to her. “I haven’t even thought about my email since fucking two thousand and late, Jack, you’re doing this to me.”

“Somehow, I don’t really feel that bad.”

She just fiddled around on her phone with an exaggerated pout. Mark splashed her playfully with suds. “Amy and I are gonna head out,” Mark said, still cleaning dishes. Jack was sure Felix appreciated it. The Swede hated chores. “Felix said he was gonna ask you to do some stuff today.”

Jack nodded. “We’re gonna just hang out and do whatever.” He raised a brow when Mark just kinda stared at him. “What?”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“The fuck ye’ talkin’ about?” Jack asked, making a face.

Mark shrugged. “I’m your chosen Jiminy Cricket, Jack. You asked me to make sure you wouldn’t fall for him again, and I am doing my best, but after what Amy told me last night, and then the photo, I feel like I’m not doing that great of a job.”

“I’m not falling for him,” Jack denied.

“You had his fucking fingers in your mouth, you’re definitely something, Jack.” He couldn’t argue that and hated it. “It’s fine if you’ve changed your mind,” Mark told him patiently. “I’d just need to get a memo or something beforehand. So I can avoid wallowing in self loathing and guilt.”

Jack pulled uselessly at his hair as Felix came into the kitchen with Michael. Felix stopped abruptly. “… Everything okay?” he asked, a smile growing on his face. “You don’t look so good, dude,” he said, clapping Jack on the back. “Brad’s gonna be here any minute now. When were you two planning on ditching?”

“Probably once Mark finishes deep cleaning your kitchen,” Amy said.

“It’s a fucking disaster, sue me!” Mark cried out.

“Yeah, sorry,” Felix said sheepishly. “Don’t really have a mom or dad around for all the cleaning, and god knows that I can’t do that shit. Maybe I should get a maid.”

“You can pay me in heartfelt compliments,” Mark said.

Felix pursed his lips. “How about Trident Layers?”

“Fucking done deal, oh my god.” 

Jack rolled his eyes. “Of course you’d enable Felix in not being a functioning adult. Let the man stew in his filth. After the cockroaches eat his eyes, he’ll learn his lesson.”

“Oh my goodness,” Michael said. 

“Holy Full Metal Jacket,” Amy snickered.

“Jack, it’s too early for you to start acting like a psycho,” Felix sighed. “I’m paying Mark in gum, the place will be clean, and that’s all that matters. Or would you rather you keep coming over to some sort of fucking disaster of a place?”

“I’m not even gonna throw ye’ a bone for this,” Jack said firmly. 

“You still cannot clean,” Michael said to Felix, his voice quiet. Jack glanced to him, wondering if the kid regretted just throwing out what had happened to himself. Jack knew that he would hate himself after just blurting out something like that. Michael barely knew Amy and Mark, he probably had no idea if he could genuinely trust them. Hell, Michael could be unsure about Jack. Fuck, the poor kid had to be nervous as hell now. Like the night after a terrible drunken confession, which was where Jack probably should be right now, if only he could remember anything. His head still hurt, especially with this conversation, and Michael was the quiet one. Jack gravitated towards him, slinging an arm of subtle acceptance over Michael’s shoulder.

“See?” Jack asked, looking mostly to Felix. “Michael’s on my side. Look up a fucking youtube tutorial or something, Fe’, ye’ can’t tell the difference between dish soap and hand soap. One day, you’re gonna need to wash some chemical from yer eyes and you’ll go straight for the lemonade instead of the water. That’s how inept ye’ are.”

Felix went slack jawed, eyes wide. “How dare you, you Irish fuck. Hand soap smells like lavender and dish soap smells like nausea. Don’t insult me.”

“You differentiate soaps by scent?” Mark asked. “You know they can make anything smell like something, right?”

“I told ye’,” Jack said haughtily. “He’s useless.”

Felix grabbed a dishtowel and tried to throw it at Jack’s head, but it got caught in the air and fluttered uselessly to the ground. Jack felt Michael’s shoulders start to shake in laughter, and grinned across the room at the Swede. “Fuck you, ye’ Swedish bastard.”

“Get off my friend, or I’ll cut you,” Felix huffed, crossing the room and pull Jack’s arm from Michael’s shoulders. He pulled Michael to his chest, narrowing his eyes threateningly at Jack. “The Romanian’s mine, so fuck off.”

“He’s Austrian.”

“Same fucking thing,” Felix defended. 

“Brad’s here, I can leave,” Michael said, smiling and pulling away. “I, I am very tired. I’m going to sleep all day.”

“That’s what the weekend’s for, after all,” Mark agreed. “God knows I’m gonna do the same thing.”

“Bitch, we have a date tonight!” Amy exclaimed, smacking Mark’s arm. “If you sleep through the date, I’m seeing Spider-man without you. And I’m going to ogle Tony Stark without any remorse, understand?”

“You know he’s just going for Aunt May anyways,” Felix snorted. Michael extracted himself from Felix’s arms and waved goodbye to everyone, heading to the front door as inconspicuously as possible. Jack could see he still felt a little uncomfortable, so he just reached out to ruffle Michael’s hair on the boy’s way out the door. “Bye, Michael!” Felix cried out right as Michael shut the front door. Everyone was silent for a few seconds.

“Is he okay?” Amy asked.

“He’ll be fine,” Felix said. “He doesn’t usually tell people that thing.”

“Must be hard knowing who he can trust,” Mark commented softly.

Felix shrugged. “You guys aren’t the worst people who could’ve heard him.”

“We’re gonna head out,” Mark said, smiling a little wider now. “Thanks for the movie and pizza and stuff. Breakfast was awesome. Everything was totally awesome. We’ll see you guys Monday, right?” Mark smiled between Jack and Felix like he knew something they didn’t. “Have fun today. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t!”

“All ye’ do is play video games,” Jack said. “That doesn’t give us a lot of options.”

“Okay, then don’t do something I wouldn’t do in a game,” Mark amended.

“Murder it is,” Felix said with a grin. 

“We’re not killing anyone,” Jack snorted, shaking his head. “We’re just doing whatever the fuck ye’ve got planned, Fe’, it doesn’t fuckin’ matter, just as long as we don’t fuckin’ murder anyone.”

“What about the Spanish Inquisition?” Mark asked.

“Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition,” Amy said in a hush whisper. 

“You two were leaving, yeah?” Jack reminded them. “Stop saying dumb shit.”

“Thanks for the food!” Mark said, heading to the door. “See you guys Monday! Jack, hit me up for a LAN party this Sunday! Don’t get an STD!” Amy smacked Mark’s arm, then winked over her shoulder at Jack. The door swung closed behind them, leaving only Jack and Felix. Jack still didn’t know what the other boy had intended for them today.

“Let’s go for a drive,” Felix said, his expression pleasant. He met Jack’s look of surprise with a shrug. “Just feel like driving somewhere, no harm. We can get fries and dogs at the Varsity, have a picnic somewhere. We could just enjoy the day, maybe sleep under the stars in the be dog the truck.” Felix was smiling widely now, his voice gentle and reminiscent. “It’ll be nice, Jack. Don’t you wanna just relax for a bit?”

“I’m always zen as fuck,” Jack bullshitted. “A drive sounds nice.”

Felix grinned and bounded past Jack, slapping him on the shoulder and heading into his bedroom. He reappeared seconds later with a jacket on and keys in hand. “Blankets are in the back, I’ll get the food so don’t worry about bringing anything, you'll just get dinner next time. Uh…” He patted himself down and Jack watched in amusement. “Phone, keys, death rattle, check.” He grinned at Jack. “Need anything before we go?”

“Take me away to a secret place, Felix,” Jack drawled, smiling back. “A great escape.”

“I’ll take you somewhere, baby,” Felix said with a wink. “Next stop— Flavor-town.”

“God, fuck you.”

The drive was simple for the first hour. Felix weaved through the streets at the speed limit, letting Jack really see the town again like he hadn’t let himself before. Jack could see that not a lot of it had changed, save a few shops having closed and quite a few more opening in their stead. Jack was pretty sure they drove over a pothole that hadn’t been repaired since he’d left. He realized that he’d never explored this town in a car with Felix, though, so it still felt new. 

“That bogus vegan place off campus has the best fucking cheesecake I’ve ever had, and I hate myself for it,” Felix told him at one point while they were sometime downtown. “Like, it’s not even actual cheesecake and yet it’s so fucking good.”

“Over there was where Brad tried to get me into yoga,” Felix said as he pointed at some old dance studio across the street from the baptist church near Main st. “I nearly dislocated my hips and I had to wear one of Emma’s pair of yoga pants. Came back with a whole in the crotch because I tried to jump over the hood of Brad’s car to be cool and nearly tore my dick off.”

“Right there is where I nearly got arrested,” Felix told Jack, waving to the parking lot of an old Motel 6. “I was bringing a laptop and PS4 in for Michael while he was staying in the motel and a police officer thought I was stealing. I didn’t have anyone for him to call and confirm shit, so I almost ended up getting arrested until Michael got out of the shower and the cops realized who Michael was. They knew of the huge fiasco with Michael’s parents and neighbor. He’s a familiar face.”

On the way out of town, they passed a familiar house. The front lawn was tightly preened and the house was clean and freshly painted. Jack and Felix both tensed, breathing a little differently on instinct. “She still live there?” Jack asked. Felix nodded out of the corner of Jack’s eye. “Fucking bitch.”

“Does anyone know you’re the other kid?” Felix asked.

“Just Mark and and others and shite,” Jack said. “Only Mark knows you were the one under the stairs with me.”

“Michael and Brad know.” Felix paused, then pulled off on the side of the road. Jack looked to Felix and saw he was staring at the house through the rearview mirror. “Funny,” Felix said after a minute. “For a while, after you left? I asked my parents if we could leave too.”

Jack ground his teeth and looked at his hands in his lap. “You never told anyone that she hit you.”

“God, of course I fucking didn’t,” Felix replied. “You were already gone, the police were getting involved, my fucking mom was screaming at my dad and me and leaving within the week. It was a miracle the whole thing wasn’t on the news at that point, if I had told anyone she’d hit me, we would’ve at least had the local station here. I didn’t want to make things any harder on my dad than they already were.”

Jack paused. “… It would break his heart to hear ye’ say that.”

“Doesn’t matter what it would do to him,” Felix said. “I had to stop being a kid that day. I had to make decisions for other people and not myself.” Felix put the car back into drive and pulled away from the sidewalk. “She still lives there, but she hasn’t been a teacher since. Pretty sure she’s a store manager at some grocery place around here.”

“I wish I’d hit her back,” Jack spat out, hands tightened into fists. The confession was one he hadn’t dwelled on in years, but it needed to be said. 

“You were scared, Jack,” Felix sighed.

“Being afraid is no excuse for failin’ yer friends,” Jack defended vehemently. “I pushed you away under the stairs, I let her hit you, I left. I was a shit friend and I should’ve hit her back. I should’ve defended you.”

Felix shook his head. “It’s fine, Jack.”

“It isn’t fine,” Jack insisted, twisting in his seat to face the other boy. “Don't you get that? What I did wasn’t fine, and it will never be fine. You can forgive me or forget me or whatever, but it doesn’t change the fact that what I did was so very fucking wrong and the furthest from what you deserved from your best friend. Because that’s what I was, Felix, and what I’d like t’ be again. Only this time, I’ll do it right. I’ll punch anyone in the face, I’ll stay by your side till the day the world fuckin' ends, and I’ll make out with you under the stair with every fucking clergy man and woman watchin’ us and not give a fuck.”

Felix choked on a laugh, then quickly covered his mouth. Jack made a face. “C’mon, Fe’, I’m tryin’ t’ be serious!”

“Who the hell said we’re making out under the stairs ever again? And with people watching?” Felix kept trying to stifle his laughter, but eventually gave up. “Really, Jack, I appreciate your passion, but I’ve got a feeling that you’re not into me like that anymore.”

Jack didn’t know what to say to that. He sat back down in his seat, staring at his hands again, because there was no way in fucking hell he could not fuck this up if he kept talking. He just needed to shut up and not ruin things. “That sex was dream actually about you.” What the fucking fuck, Jack, what the fuck. 

Jack was impressed when Felix only hit the brakes a little bit too hard at the red light and that was the extent of his reaction to Jack’s confession. “ _Vad fan_ ,” Felix deadpanned. “The one in my bed? That was about your boyfriend.”

“Nah, it was about you,” Jack sighed. 

“Oh my god, Jack,” Felix said, a hand to his face, probably to hide his expression. “What the hell, dude, you don’t just drop that one someone like that.”

“My bad, Fe’,” Jack replied. “I just felt like I needed to tell you the truth.”

“I have no idea what to say to this, I’m serious,” Felix said. “Like, I haven’t…”

Jack cleared his throat, glancing to Felix with a tight smile. “I can blame it on the hormones all fuckin’ day, if ye’d like.” It definitely was the hormones, after all. Felix was gorgeous and shit, but Jack wasn’t fantasizing about Felix in the middle of the day. Not unless he was really drunk. “Plus, I had a sex dream about Chris Pratt last time. It’s really no rare thing for that kind of shite.”

Felix rubbed at his eyes for a second. Jack looked ahead and only vaguely recognized where they were. They were out of the town now, with trees surrounding them. “… Was I any good?” Felix asked. 

“What?”

“Like, was the sex good? The sex with me.”

Jack snorted a laugh, his cheeks growing pink. “It was a sex dream, Fe’, it’s always good cause it ain’t real.”

“Yeah, but, like, sex dreams featuring me should be extra good cause I’m a fucking beast,” Felix said, grinning. Jack knew exactly what this was— it was what they’d always done when faced with uncomfortable conversations. Deflection through comedic banter was just their favorite shared coping mechanism. “I’m a sex god, Jack, you can’t just say that I was average. How the hell could I ever be average?”

Which rang truer than anything Jack had ever heard before. Even the single kiss Jack had shared with Felix under the stairs beat out any kiss he’d ever shared with anyone in his entire life. He had to imagine that sex would’ve been ruined for him had he and Felix ever gotten around to it. There was something electric about Felix that Jack had never seen anywhere else. So there was no way Felix could ever just be average, and to tell the truth, Jack hadn’t actually gotten as close to soiling the sheets from a dream as he had that one night. But Felix didn’t need to know that. 

“You’re so average,” Jack said, just to fuck with Felix. “Aryan race motherfucker. Ye’ve just got yer language and yer pretty face and that's it.”

Felix gasped, fluttering his lashes. “Do you really think I’m pretty?”

“Fuck off,” Jack groaned. “I’m hungry, ye’ know.” They’d been driving for about two hours now. Jack knew they were heading towards Atlanta through the back roads. He couldn’t imagine what Felix wanted to do.

“I’ll get you something to eat in a bit,” Felix said. “Just, uh. Just wanted to show you something.”

Jack frowned and looked to Felix again. “Show me what?”

Felix shook his head. “You’ll see.”

“… That’s fuckin’ sketchy, Fe’.”

Felix chuckled. “It’s gonna rain later today.”

Jack looked back out the window, catching the hint. They drove in silence for another hour, Felix navigating the back roads expertly. Jack couldn’t help but notice that he was driving well under the speed limit. He didn’t understand how Felix could have picked up this habit. He’d always imagined to be reckless as all hell and accumulating all sorts of speed tickets. Still, it wasn’t like they were anywhere very busy. No cars passed them and Felix was enjoying the drive. Felix had been right, Jack could see thunderclouds peaking over the treetops miles away. He hoped they wouldn’t be caught out anywhere in the rain. 

Thirty minutes deep into the backgrounds, Felix pulled over and turned off the engine. Jack frowned when Felix didn’t explain himself, so he just looked around and tried to gather any sort of clues. They were parked in front of a large tree that had snapped in half a while ago, just the upper stump left in the ground with jagged edges of bark around the edge. And… that was kinda it. There was nothing else, just more trees. “What is this, Fe’?” he asked. 

Felix took in a long breath. “So, uh, you’ve probably heard a thing or two about a car accident,” and oh shit, was Felix about to tell him? This was one of the many things Jack had felt too nervous to ask to know, like he didn’t deserve to know. He hadn’t expected Felix to open up this quickly, if fucking at all. Jack wasn’t about to let this just crash by. He turned in his seat, leaning with his back to the door, all eyes and ears for Felix. Felix snorted a laugh and shook his head. “Obviously you have. Guess you have some idea where I’m going with this, huh?”

“I’m always here to listen, Fe’,” Jack said, denying himself his urge to grin. It would be an awfully misplaced and easily misinterpreted gesture, when really, Jack was just overjoyed to be trusted again. “I’m right here, ready and waiting.”

“You seem pretty excited to learn about a car crash,” Felix observed. “Morbid as always, huh?”

Jack winced. “Felix, I, I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t mean this like that. I just really want you to know that I’m listening, okay? And that I really, really care about you. And that I want you to feel like you can tell me these things and come to me and, just, like, trust me.” Jack threw his hands up, at a loss for words. “I want ye’ to trust me. Again.”

“I trust you, Jack,” Felix told him, expression softening. “I do, okay? Maybe I’m just not as good at showing that shit anymore, but know that it’s there. Like, I do trust you no matter how weird I act about it. Cool?”

Jack nodded. He brought his leg up, resting his arm across his knee. “What happened with the car, Fe’?”

“We never really told anyone the details, save the cops, so no one really knows what actually happened. Kids just kinda made up their own stories, fucked us up and said we were the idiots.” Felix looked down the road. “Honestly, it’s kinda hard to drive half the time after the accident, but Michael’s got worse problems than me and Brad and Emma really are busy. So I just make myself drive and go extra slow.”

“You seemed pretty happy to drive today,” Jack said softly.

Felix shrugged. “Things have felt different since you came home. Easier. Lighter. Less, like, demoralizing and shit.” Jack was sure that was the truth. Amy had mentioned that Felix had been observed to be horribly depressed for as long as she’d really known of him. Jack just hoped that Felix really was feeling better like he said. “Plus, I’m pretty sure I’d be okay dying with you, since that’s what we’d always promised to do anyways.”

“God, and ye’ thought I was morbid,” Jack groaned.

Felix laughed and shook his head. “So, it started normally enough, you know? Brad, Michael, and I. This was before August, this was all when I first learned to drive and shit. And we were heading down this road, heading to Atlanta to the aquarium because Brad had never gone before. I was driving, Michael was next to me, Brad was in the back, and then… It, it just started raining.”

Jack looked up at the sky, saw that the clouds that had once been miles away were suddenly overhead. They were dark and foreboding, huge billowing mounds of near blackness in twisting shades of blue and gray and even a touch of purple when lightening thundered deep inside. Jack stretched his leg out, resting his calf along Felix’s lap. Probably a weird gesture, but Felix seemed to understand what it meant. Felix rested a hand carefully across the tibia, squeezing gently. 

“And you know how rain is here in the summer,” Felix continued, staring down the road. “It’s nothing bad, it’s just a little slippery, what the fuck ever, right? Except there was another car coming down the road, and I still have no idea what that asshole was thinking, but they weren’t fucking from here, they couldn’t have been. They were swerving all over, they were driving like some sort of psycho and I could see their headlights all over the place, but I didn’t stop.” Felix’s grip on Jack’s leg tightened. It might’ve been painful had it been Jack’s hand. 

“I just saw the car coming, thought nothing of it, tried to help Michael figure out why the radio stopped working, and then suddenly… I, I looked up, saw headlights directly in front of me in my lane, and I turned the wheel as hard as I could. We ended up there.” Felix pointed to the tree stump. “Hit the thing so hard it broke. Michael would’ve gone through the windshield if he hadn’t been buckled up for once, he just knocked the side of his head on the window. Brad fucked up his knee in between the seat and the door.”

Jack shuddered, now feeling some sort of misplaced hatred for the damn tree. But then, if that hadn’t been the tree to stop the car, what else would have? And would the aftermath had been worse? “Whose car was it?”

“My dad’s,” Felix said. “I got the truck after that. He knew it wasn’t my fault, but I still feel bad for how he had to come home. He hates hospitals, you know. Being in there for the week really wore him out.”

Jack’s gaze snapped to Felix in alarm. “A week?” A knee injury, maybe, but that had been Brad. Michael had just knocked his head. “Felix, what happened to you?”

Felix glanced down, then pulled down the neck of his shirt. Jack saw the edge of the pink scar. “A branch went through me,” he said, his voice way too steady for the pain he was describing. “Like, literally through me, it pinned me to the chair, completely impaled me. They had to do surgery to fix some shit on the inside, broke my collar bone too, and my arm isn’t ever really going to be back to full capacity. You can’t really notice unless I’m trying to lift shit.”

“Jesus, Felix,” Jack said, reaching out without thinking. He brushed his fingertips across the top of that pink scar, feeling the raised skin and fighting back the churning of his stomach. A fucking tree had gone through Felix, had just barely missed his heart. Jack realized Felix probably could have died and felt cold all over. “You…"

“Probably should’ve died, yeah,” Felix admitted with a strangled sound that might’ve been a laugh. “I, I don’t really know how we made it out of there. I didn’t wake up. Brad said that he flagged someone down with Michael, and they got us to a hospital. Cops never got the guys who ran us off the road, so…” Felix shrugged. “They kinda just left us to die, I guess. I had to get, like, two blood transfusions. Brad said that they were resuscitating me for, like, ten minutes, cause I kept dying or whatever, and Michael burned his clothes cause there was so much—”

“Felix, stop,” Jack choked out. He pressed his fingertips a little too sharply into the scar, then lifted his gaze to meet Felix’s eyes. He knew he looked as wrecked as he felt. The heartbeat beneath his fingertips felt so much more fragile than it ever had before. Felix's body was warm and alive and the thought that Felix could have died while Jack was away tore at Jack’s chest. He could’ve come home to a fucking headstone. “Oh my god, Felix…”

Felix lied a hand over the one Jack had on his chest. “Dude, I’m fine,” he said softly. “I’m alive and not any worse for wear. Sometimes before a storm, my shoulder bothers me, but that’s it, okay? I’m alive.”

“Ye’ could’ve died,” Jack said, voice wobbling. The more he pictured Felix being lowered into the dirt, the more his hands started to shake. “Holy fucking shit, Fe’, yer father had to stay in the hospital, your bones broke, _ye’ could’ve fuckin’ died._ ”

“I’m fine, Jack,” Felix said, but his words did nothing to curb the innate desire in Jack’s chest to just crawl into Felix’s lap and latch on, never to let go. The overwhelming desire to kiss Felix returned from last night, but not the same as it had been. Jack wanted to feel Felix’s breath on his lips, wanting to feel his body move, prove he was alive. He wanted to drag his nails down that damned scar and stop the fear that curled deep in his chest, the terrifying anticipation of a loss he would never recover from. “Jack?” 

His name broke his thoughts, and Jack shuddered back into the present, breathing shakily and blinking away tears. “I wasn’t here,” he said, his voice scraping the edges of normalcy. “Fucking christ, Felix, I know I-I keep saying that, but I can’t fucking escape the fact that I could’ve come back here to a fucking corpse of you.” His hands were definitely shaking now, trembling on Felix’s chest and in his hand. Felix seemed so surprised to see Jack react this way and it hurt. “What, did ye’ think I wouldn’t fucking care?” Jack asked, feeling shredded. “God, Felix, you’re so much more important than ye’ fucking realize, ye’ know that, right?”

“Dude, dude, I’m not telling you that I think I’m worthless,” Felix said, still looking a little freaked out. Jack was much closer now, his knees to Felix’s thighs. His hand was still to Felix’s skin and being held there. The truck cab was beginning to feel a little too warm compared to the dreariness outside. “Honestly, you’re handling this way more crazily than my dad did,” Felix told him with a shaky smile. “I get that I’m worth something, that’s not the question. I just…” Felix faltered. “Dude, I don’t know. You’re crying. That’s a lot of emotion for you. More than I expected.”

Felix looked away from Jack, like he couldn’t handle the eye contact. “I get you maybe getting fucked up when we’re fighting because you don’t handle that shit well. I just didn’t expect you to cry over this.”

“Felix, again, ye’ could’ve died…”

“Yeah, I get that, I was kinda the one bleeding out,” Felix said with a chuckle. “I don’t know, dude. For all of your talk about us just being friends and shit, you’re not being very… friendly. You’re going beyond it.”

Jack snatched his hand away while Felix’s skin had burned him. Felix’s expression morphed into one of pity. “I get it,” he told Jack with way more kindness than Jack deserved. “I kinda wanted to believe that that Robin kid may have helped you think out a thing or two, but I’m guessing that wasn’t the case.” There was another smile from Felix, though it was obviously forced. “I won’t mention it again, Jack. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too.” It started to rain, the heavy drops hitting the windshield like bullets. Jack wrung his fingers together, staring into his lap. “I… I am sorry.”

“You’ve said that a lot these past couple of days,” Felix said. “Cut yourself some slack, dude. We’ve all got problems. I’m not gonna look down on your for having issues of your own.” He put the car back into drive and pulled out onto the road, signaling the conversation to be over. “Thanks for listening, Jack. It feels good to be able to tell you these things.”

Jack dug his nails into the palm of his hand and wished he could do the same.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eyyy eyyyyyyyyy i know how they're gonna get together

“We’re supposed to get back to your place for dinner, right?” Felix asked with ice cream covering his lips like the latest lip stain. Jack was sure Felix would taste even better without the sweet cream covering his lips. He was staring unabashedly, and knew that Felix wouldn’t notice. After driving the last hour into Atlanta, Jack had realized that Felix was just as obtuse as he’d been when they were younger, and literally never noticed when anyone was staring at him. Maybe it was because Felix didn’t think he was attractive enough to be stared at. Jack didn’t really care, as he was able to watch Felix however long he fucking wanted.

After the realization that Felix could’ve been dead in this very moment had the tree branch just moved a little inward, Jack was finding it hard to convince himself that he shouldn’t continue to give in to these horrible temptations. The threat of death made the simple touches and the lingering glances all the more important and Jack was admittedly a sap at times. Plus, the staring was preferable to what Jack really wanted to do, which was crawl into Felix’s lap and press his mouth to Felix’s neck, taste his heartbeat and mark up that pale skin with his teeth. So Jack really was making the adult decision and staring at Felix’s mouth as they ate ice cream.

“If we leave in, like, a few mins, we’ll make it back in time,” Felix continued. They were standing outside the Dairy Queen with their twin cones of delicious dessert. “When do you guys usually eat dinner?”

Jack watched Felix’s tongue swipe out to catch a stray chocolate chip from his bottom lip. God, his tongue was so pink. It was so fucking cute. He wanted to lean in and catch that bottom lip between his own teeth, wanted to taste the ice cream in Felix's mouth. He wanted to suck on that tongue, make Felix squirm and whine. 

“Jack, why are you staring at me like that?” Felix snickered. “If you were Superman, you’d cut me in half with those laser beam eyes.”

“Ye’ve got an eyelash,” Jack lied smoothly. 

“Where?” Felix asked with a frown. He rubbed at his face, scratching at various places like he thought he could feel something as tiny as an eyelash again his skin. “Did I get it?”

Jack reached out and aimlessly brushed the knuckles of his index and middle finger across Felix’s jawline. “Got it,” he said. Felix grinned at him, grateful. “Don’t smile like that, it’s just an eyelash, not yer fuckin’ virginity,” Jack snorted. This had to be the most harmless lie Jack had ever told, and yet he still felt a little guilty.

“You wish you’d taken that,” Felix said with a wink. “I was a sex god even when a virgin.”

“When the fuck didja even lose that?” Jack asked, snorting a laugh again. “I’ll bet ye’ve never actually had sex. I’ll bet you’re still a virgin and you’re just fuckin’ lyin’ to me to sound cool or somethin’.”

Felix dragged a finger through his ice cream and then smeared the finger across Jack’s cheek. “I’ve totally had sex. Tons of sex. Thousands of sex. All the sexicles.” Felix finished the ice cream and started to nibble on the cone. Jack became dimly aware of the fact that his own dessert was only half eaten and currently melting all over his hand. “I’ve had sex, Jack, how could you ever doubt me?”

“Sex with girls?” Jack asked, waggling his brow. He wasn’t going to let himself go any deeper than that. He was just gonna tease Felix for his gayness. 

“Of course with girls,” Felix said, rolling his eyes. Jack’s brain reacted sluggishly. What? “I’ve had sex with girls and guys, Jack, what, do you think I just tried one flavor and decided that was it for me for the rest of my life? I’m not the kind of man to settle.”

Jack’s continued to brain work slowly. “… Wait, really?”

Felix laughed at him. “Yeah, really. Sophomore year. And then a couple months ago, over the summer.”

Jack blanched. “But… Ken.”

Felix flinched. “Please don’t say his name.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Jack said quickly. “I just, I thought you were gay.”

“Dudes can like chicks and guys,” Felix told him. “It’s called bisexuality, Jack. Don’t you forget it.” His tone was light, jovial, a sharp contrast to what he’d just said mere moments ago. Jack was tempted to ask about Ken, but he’d already been given a huge step forward in Felix’s trust today. He wouldn’t push his luck.

“I’m just gay,” Jack said, looking to the asphalt beneath their feet. “Like, only ever been with a boy. Just Robin, really, and…” And Felix, but he wouldn’t say it, especially since it had never been more than a kiss. Jack grimaced. “Should I try girls? Would ye’ suggest it?”

“Jack, dude, I have no idea how your brain works.” Felix finished off his cone. “Clean up before you get in my truck. I know it’s already a piece of shit, and I don’t want to make it worse.” Felix licked his fingers quickly, then smirked at Jack. “Seriously, dude, you spent so much of your time staring at me that you ruined your dessert. Why didn’t you just tell me I had an eyelash on my face? Then you could’ve eaten the damn thing.”

Felix got into the truck, and Jack stood there a moment longer. He threw the half-eaten cone away and wiped off his hand with a spare napkin that he then also threw away. Then he got in the truck beside Felix and sighed.

“Dude, what’s wrong?” Felix asked.

“Tell me about the best sex ye’ve ever had,” Jack said.

“Oh my god, why?”

“I’ve told ye’ about me freaky dream,” Jack said. “You owe me a sex thing too.”

Felix grimaced. “… Again, dude. I don’t want to talk about Ken.”

“Wait, the best sex ye’ve ever had was with Ken?”

“Jack, what part about ‘not wanting to talk about it’ do you not understand?”

Jack slouched in his seat. “My bad.”

Felix shook his head. “It’s fine.”

Jack looked out the window. It was probably going to start raining again. Jack genuinely wondered how Felix could not find driving stressful just because Jack was in the car with him, as opposed to anyone else. Jack was one of the most frantic, loud, and not-stress-less people ever. It made literally no sense that he would somehow be a source of stress-relief for Felix. 

“You ready to head back?” Felix asked. “Honestly, I wish we could stay the night here. It could be fun. Just get a hotel room and eat bad food and watch crummy movies. Maybe play truth or dare. Ding-dong-ditch the neighbors and get kicked out.” Felix grinned to himself. “The night doesn’t necessarily have to go in that order.”

“What other kind of order could it go in?” Jack asked. “And me mum wants to see ye’, so ye’ve got to get us home anyways. Don’t ye’ remember how fuckin’ pissed she’d get if we stayed out too long?” Felix shrugged, finally starting the truck. Jack watched him with a critical eye. “What’s wrong, Fe’?” He couldn't still be upset over the Ken thing. Felix didn’t hold grudges often. 

“I haven’t had a mom in two years,” Felix explained. “Kinda weird to be around someone I used to see as a second mother when I don’t have the first to begin with.”

Jack’s heart sunk. “Fe’, I’m so sorry.” He still couldn’t believe Felix’s mother had up and left her son. The action itself was just too cruel for him to connect to the same smiling, beautiful woman that he used to know. “I can’t even begin t’understand…”

“Yeah, I know,” Felix said. “But it’s fine, Jack. Apparently whatever she felt for her son was nothing compared to her own self image. So, I guess I didn’t really lose much to begin with, you know?”

Jack stared at him. “She was yer fuckin’ mum, Felix.”

“I’m trying to make myself feel better about it, cut me some slack,” Felix grumbled. “It’s been two years, if it were a girlfriend or you, I would be expected to be over it by now.”

“But she was yer mum.”

“Exactly,” Felix sighed. “I really wish I could’ve been enough for her to care about more than what people thought about her. I’d kinda always thought that was what moms did, you know? And not to jinx myself, but dad had always been the one to question the weird shit I did and shake his head lichee was disappointed. It’s kinda crazy that he was the one who stayed. Says a lot.”

“Ye’ don’t wish ye’ could undo what we did?” Jack asked. 

Felix tensed. Maybe Jack should stop bringing up anything beyond friendship between them. He was starting to think that it was making Felix uncomfortable. “Jack, I can’t regret that,” he admitted after a moment of silence. “I just can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Okay, Jack, we’re going to make a no-fly zone list of conversation topics. Shit under the stairs and Ken are on the top of the list. I’ll write this up in a word doc or something and I’ll make you sign it, but you really, really gotta stop bringing this stuff up.” 

Jack made a face. “Does it really make you that upset?”

“I’ve already told you how I feel about what happened that day, dude, and yet you keep pushing it. Best moment of my life ring a bell? Why the hell would I ever say I’d change that moment if I could, regardless of what came from it.” Felix pressed his fingers to his temple and rubbed, like he had a headache. “It’s just starting to get to me that you keep basically asking me to regret the stairs and then wonder why I don’t. You wish it never happened. You wish we’d never been a thing. I get it, Jack, I really do, but I don’t like being constantly reminded of how I wasn’t good enough for you too.”

Jack would’ve paled if he could. “Felix, n-no,” he stammered, wishing he could reach out and comfort his friend. “Fuck, that’s never what I’ve meant, I’ve just never…” He trailed off, because he couldn’t explain it. Couldn’t really backtrack, because Jack would go back in time and stop the kiss if he could. It as just the truth. But he didn’t want Felix thinking it was because of Felix himself.

“See?” Felix shook his head. “I was right. And I totally get it. You were so freaked out you left the country, Jack, and I really don’t blame you. You’ve always been way more anxious than me, you’ve always been the one to see the worst case scenario, you see enemies everywhere, and you just kinda think pretty low of yourself in most situations. So maybe it isn’t because of me, maybe it was because of the aftermath, but that still doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel a little insulting. Even if you don’t mean it to.”

Jack wished he was better with words. He just nodded, looking down, letting Felix think what he needed to. He’d already told Felix about the sex dream, so he wasn’t sure why Felix had it in his head that Jack regretted the stairs because of kissing Felix. Kinda seemed like that should’ve been the opposite of the conclusion. At least Felix knew Jack didn’t mean it to be insulting. And at least Felix knew it was the situation more than the person.

“Just wish she hadn’t hit ye’,” Jack mumbled. “And I wish ye’ didn’t feel insulted, because it was never about ye’ being ugly or anything.”

“Trust me, I know that,” Felix said. “Most beautiful thing to you under those stairs. I know.”

Jack frowned. “What?”

“You said that to me while you were drunk the other night. Told me that I was, and I quote, gorgeous. And that I was beautiful to you. And that I was never disgusting.” Felix glanced to him to smile a wretched, pained smile that just made things feel even worse. “I’ve known what you’ve meant, Jack. But it still hurts.”

“Then how do I fix it?”

Felix shrugged. “Maybe turning back time would be the best thing. If you regret it so much.”

“Felix…”

“No-fly zone, let’s just stick with that,” Felix said. “I’m tired of feeling this way.”

Jack grimaced. “Ye’ listen to such depressing music now. Talk about being tired, talk about darkness and shit. Are you… Like, if ye’ have depression, you can tell me. I won’t think less of ye’ or anything. God knows I’ve got my own problems.”

“I’m not depressed,” Felix huffed. “… I think.”

“Ye’ve never gone to see?”

“I haven’t been to the doctor in ages,” Felix snorted. “Been busy. Michael’s still a high priority and Brad needed help with the wedding. Then there’s the whole thing that my dad’s still away for work and I just really don’t have time for any of that shit.”

Jack hesitated. “… But if you’re depressed—”

“I’m fine, Jack.”

“It isn’t crazy to think! Yer mum fuckin’ left ye’, I left ye’, ye’ve got to help a horribly abused and mentally unstable boy, and you’re really ostracized at school. Plus, ye ‘nearly died! It’s not crazy to think that all of that would eventually get to ye’.”

Felix groaned. “Jack, I don’t have time to be depressed.”

“Then make time,” Jack said. “This could be dangerous.”

Felix snickered, then lowered his voice to a gravelly base. “ _I am the danger. I am the night._ ”

“You’re deflecting,” Jack accused even as he started to grin. He loved Batman and Breaking Bad. “Stop deflecting.”

_“I’m not deflecting— I’m Batman.”_

“You’re trying to distract me and it’s not going to work.” It was totally working.

_“Wanna buy some drugs? They’re blue and shit.”_

“You’re completely insulting Batman’s image as a man above crime and extortion. He would never work with Walter White and you fucking know it. Hell, Walter White wouldn’t be dumb enough to work with Batman! Batman would be some sort of undercover thing, trying to bring down one of the biggest drug empires of Gotham if he were with Walter White.”

Felix’s eyes darted everywhere in thought. “… Wouldn’t that be Red Hood?”

Jack’s eyes went wide. “Oh my god. Have you been reading up?”

Felix laughed. “Maybe a little.”

“I’m so fuckin’ proud of ye’, Fe’.”

“Shut up,” Felix said with a wide smile. “I’m trying to drive and it’s starting to rain. Don’t distract me, we might actually die this time.”

“God, what horrible fuckin’ taste in jokes.”

“It was my death, I’m allowed to joke about it if it happened to me,” Felix assured him. “Now quick, quiz me on your mother. I have the shittiest memory these days.”

. . .

“Okay, wait, I’m nervous now.”

What awful timing. Jack and Felix were standing outside the front door of Jack’s house, and Felix was only just now feeling the nerves. It wasn’t like they could back out now— Jack had been texting his mother the last thirty minutes of the drive and she knew to be expecting Felix. She’d responded to his messages with a plethora of heart emojis and exclamation points, as she’d been waiting to see Felix back at her dinner table since they’d returned to Athens. This really had been a long time coming.

“My own mom hates me, why the fuck wouldn’t yours?” Felix asked him, holding Jack’s wrist so Jack couldn’t open the front door. “She could totally blame me or something. Does she know what happened?”

“We left for fuckin’ Ireland, of course she knows what happened.” Jack rolled his eyes. “I had a boyfriend, Fe’, they know I’m gay.”

“Oh my god, this is horrible.”

“Felix, it’s me mother.”

“I know, I know.” Felix took in a long, ragged breath. “I love your mom.”

“And she loves you,” Jack reminded him softly. “You deserve this. She’ll take good care of ye’, she always has. Once she finds out what yer own mum did, she won’t leave ye’ alone, and you know it.”

Felix nodded, like he was absorbing the information. “… She won’t hate me.”

“She’d never hate ye’.”

Felix nodded again. “Right. Of course. Your dad might, but not her.”

“Oh my god.” Jack rolled his eyes. “Look, I’ve been standing outside me house for way too long now, and I’m starting to feel like someone’s gonna call the police. Get your shit together, Felix, it’s all gonna be okay. Me mum and da’ will love ye’ as they always have. They didn’t turn on me. Why would they turn on you?”

“Because I’m the kid who turned their son gay and made them leave the country?” Felix suggested with a wince. “Which is expensive as hell. And also really difficult, depending on citizenships and stuff. Are you Irish or American?”

“Irish, jesus.”

“Cool, I’m Swedish.”

“And you’re stalling.”

“Absolutely.”

The front door open and Jack’s father stood in the light, smiling at them both. He had an apron wrapped around his waist and some sort of sauce staining the front of his shirt. “Felix,” he boomed, reaching out and clapping a strong hand on Felix’s shoulder. “Welcome home, son! We’ve been waiting for ye’ to finally come ‘round.” He turned to Jack. “Dinner’s on the table, yer mum’s got herself all in a tizzy cleaning your bedroom. She has it in her head that she’s housing the Queen herself!” Jack’s dad smiled at Felix. “Really have missed ye’, lad. Glad you’re home.”

Felix looked like he was about to cry. Jack would’ve laughed at him if he didn’t realize just how rarely Felix must receive this kind of acceptance from any sort of adult these days. Jack took Felix by the elbow and pulled him into the warm, well-lit home. He could see the obvious difference between his own home and Felix’s home.

When entering Felix’s house, Jack was always struck with the lack of photos, the lack of light, and the lack of sound. The whole place was quiet and covered with dust. No one lived in Felix’s house, not really. The place was lifeless. 

But Jack’s home— his mother was loud and clambering around, the kitchen smelled like meat and potatoes, and there was color everywhere, warm light coming from lamps and the upstairs and the dining room. The TV was on, showing some football game— European football, of course, Jack’s father was a traitor and a Celtics fan— and the sound filled the house with gentle noise. Jack’s father went back into the kitchen, and Jack could hear his mother vacuuming upstairs.

Jack’s house was a home. And by looking to Felix, Jack realized just how much Felt really missed this kind of feeling. He nudged Felix for his attention, and then grinned. “It's nice, right? You’ve missed me parents.”

“I have,” Felix choked out. Jack pat his arm. “Fuck, wait, I’m totally being a pussy right now. I’m an idealistic orphan, Jack, and you just gave me a night of happiness with parents. I feel like Jason Todd being brought to the manor for the first time.”

“If you’re trying to impress me with comic book knowledge, I’ve got to tell you, it’s seeming more like you developed a boner for Jason Todd, Red Hood, and now you’re just bringing up everything you know.”

“I have no parents, cut me some slack.”

“No parents?” 

Jack’s mother was suddenly around the corner, dressed in blue jeans and some frilly purple top with her hair done up like she was at another wedding. Her eyes lit up when she saw Felix, and she came darting forward with a loud squeal, wrapping his arms around Felix and hugging him tightly. “Oh my god, you’ve grown!” she cried out. Felix really had, as he stood a good few inches above her. “Oh my goodness, and you’re so handsome now! Look at you, you must get all the girls and boys!” She made a show of winking to Jack when she said this before tapping Felix on the chest a couple times. “He’s a real looker now, isn’t he, Seán? Maybe you should get a jump on this while he’s single! You are single, right, honey?”

“Uh, yes?” Felix looked blindsided, eyes darting between Jack and Jack’s mother. “Mama McLoughlin, I, uhm—”

“Hun, hun, no, we’re going to be having dinner and then you’re going to tell me all about how you’re doing, okay, sweetie?” She went up on her toes and pecked his cheek. “So excited to see you, so excited. What did you mean by no parents? I’ve haven’t seen Mr. and Mrs. Kjellberg at all, you know. How are they?”

“Mum, why don’t ye’ show me how I can help around the house?” Jack asked, needing to get her off this conversation. “Felix and I can clean, we don’t mind. Anything to help.”

“Your darn room needs to be picked up, Seán, I had to fold your skivvies and tuck them away before company showed up!” Jack flushed red, even though he didn’t care, because this was Felix. Felix had once picked up a jerk-off tissue on Jack’s floor and then proceeded to throw it in Jack’s face. They were way beyond underwear embarrassment.

“We’ll do that,” Jack said quickly, pulling Felix upstairs. He shut his bedroom door, then turned to smile shakily at Felix. “I, I haven’t told them a thing about you. About any of it. Yer parents, Michael, the drugs, any of it. So, if they say anything, I just wanna say that I’m sorry. I don’t know what they’ve heard.”

“I just think it’s funny how they still call you Seán,” Felix said. “It’s weird. That used to be your name, the only thing you were ever called by. Now only, like, three people in this city really know that Jack is actually Seán.” Felix smiled. “Makes me feel all kinds of special. Now just me and your parents know who you really are.”

“Mark knows my name,” Jack said, just to be a little shit.

“He’s not your boyfriend, I’m no longer threatened by him,” Felix replied.

“What the fuck?” Jack giggled.

“It’s the whole friend thing!” Felix cried out, grinning as he defended himself. “All best friends hate the significant other of their other best friend. It's just how the whole thing works, trust me, Hollywood said so.”

“I’d hope you'd be above that shit,” Jack chided. “Everyone knows LA only wants your money.”

Felix laughed, then wrung his hands together. “… This will go okay. It will.”

Jack nodded. “Just take a deep breath and eat some good food, yeah? It’ll be over before ye’ know it.”

“We need to clean your room first,” Felix pointed out. “It’s the whole reason we came up here. We have to clean it up or she’ll get suspicious.”

“I’m a teenage boy. She expects me to disappear into me bedroom with no explanation.”

“Not with me,” Felix snorted. “Your ex?”

“Not me fuckin’ ex.” Jack picked up a couple shirts and tossed them blindly into the closet. “There, cleaned. If it’ll make ye’ feel better, we can spritz some air freshener around and pretend that I hadn't masturbated in this room from ages eleven to fifteen.”

“Oh my god,” Felix said, scrunching his nose up. “Way too much information.”

“Like ye’ haven’t done the same.”

“Not in this room!” Felix kicked some more clothes around with the toe of his shoes. “God, Jack, now I’m paranoid. Am I gonna find your cum rag in here?” He delicately picked up a comic book between his forefinger and thumb. “I don’t wanna get your cooties, especially not your jizz cooties.”

“Fuck you,” Jack said, throwing a pair of boxers at Felix’s face. Felix shrieked and flailed, babbling something about Jack’s dick on his face. Jack blushed and ignored it. He definitely didn’t picture the scenario as Felix quickly threw the boxers away and started to pick up more comic books from off the floor. Felix began to clean sparsely, picking up the easy things and setting them in places that made more sense than where Jack would’ve put them. Books on his bookshelf. Who would’ve thought of that?

“I really am gonna scream if I find something with weird stains,” Felix said as he alphabetized Jack’s video games cases with lightning precision. Jack sat on his bed and watched Felix work, though not to be a dick. Felix just looked so relaxed and simultaneously focused; the busy work probably helped ease whatever anxiety or depression Felix had to have. Jack personally enjoyed order, but Felix seemed to take way more pleasure out of it than Jack did. Felix began to hum to himself as he rearranged the knickknacks on Jack’s top shelf so they were all facing forward and dusted gently with his fingertips. 

“You’re good at this,” Jack commented. “Why is your place shit? Mark said he’d clean your place, but you’re doing just fine here.”

“I clean when I’m anxious,” Felix explained.

 _“Boys!”_ came a cry from behind the door and downstairs. _“Dinner!”_

Felix began to furiously dust one last figurine, like he was buying his time. 

“It’s me mum, Fe’, ye’ve known her for years.”

Felix stood abruptly. He rushed out of Jack’s room and Jack followed him with an incredulous noise. It was almost like Felix had been suddenly hit with a surge of courage that he had to take advantage of immediately before it left. Felix dropped himself into the seat he always had taken years ago at the dining table and sat there, stiff as a board.

“Where’s your mother, Felix?” Jack’s mother asked immediately. Right for the fucking throat as she set down a plate of food in front of Felix. 

“She and dad are in Sweden for work,” Felix outright lied. Jack went with it. 

“They’ll be back soon,” Jack said. “Felix is just watching the house, though he stays with his friends most nights. It’s the new job they have, you know? Make more money, but be home less.”

“You poor boy,” his mother said. “Must be so lonely.”

“It’s not so bad,” Felix said. “Especially now that Jack’s back.”

“Oh, I’m sure that’s the case,” Jack’s dad said while winking like a madman to Jack. He wasn’t the least bit subtle about his winking, and the action began to look more like a seizure than a sly gesture. Jack choked on his food while trying not to laugh. 

“We’ll have them over once they’re back,” his mother said. “Be sure to let us know!”

She didn’t bring Felix’s parents up for the rest of dinner, and Jack was beyond relieved. His father offered to handle any repairs or weird things around Felix’s house if they were needed while his parents were gone. There was no more teasing about Felix and Jack, no more mention of the absent family, nothing except for small talk and how Mr. and Mrs. McLoughlin were readjusting to being in America again. 

Then Felix’s mother did the dishes, Jack’s father turned on the TV, and Felix went home.

Jack was suddenly left sitting in his room, looking around at the cleanliness and organization, and wondering if the day he’d just experienced had actually happened. After everything, all of the conversations, all of the tiny moments Felix and he had shared today, Felix was suddenly gone and disconnected from Jack like the day hadn’t happened at all. 

Was it Jack’s fault? Or was Felix nervous? Opening up had to be hard, especially about something that made Felix so insecure. Scars could be upsetting for people, even though Jack hardly found the scar upsetting beyond it being a reminder of how he’d almost lost the Swede. God, but what if Felix thought Jack would find it disgusting? 

Wait, why the fuck would Felix care what Jack thought? They were over. They weren’t a thing. Whatever they’d had was long gone and dead, withering between them like wilting flowers. Felix didn’t care what Jack thought about his body.

Fuck, why did Jack care if Felix thought Jack cared about his body? 

His phone suddenly lit up with a message from Felix.

_i can see ur light on_

_go 2 bed jack_

Jack responded to Felix before he could think better. 

_you’re still hot even w/ the scar_

He bit his lip, staring at his phone, wondering if he’d made a mistake. 

_lol thx?_

_hnstly never thought about it_

_dont have any1 to impress_

Jack stared at his screen for a long moment until he received more messages. 

_thx jack rly its good 2 kno im not a disgusting mess haha_

 

Jack looked out his window to Felix’s room. The light was out. He was sure Felix was getting ready for bed or something else mundane. Something that didn’t matter, like what they’d shared today. It didn’t matter because they were friends and friends shared. It shouldn’t mean as much to Jack as it did. He shouldn’t care if Felix cared what he thought.

Jack went to bed repeating that in his mind.

He shouldn’t care if Felix cared what he thought. 

. . .

“Dude, I haven’t just, like, gotten to sit down and have some guy time in ages,” Mark said as he hung over his bed and struggled to play Crash Bandicoot while upside down. Jack was watching his fruitless struggles and drinking a strawberry banana smoothie. He’d given up on trying to help Mark navigate the level ages ago and was now just enjoying his drink. “I love Amy,” Mark continued. “I so fucking do. I just need some testosterone once in a while, you know? Tyler’s way too obsessed with Ethan, and Ethan’s balls still kinda need to drop. You’re the manliest man I’ve got right now.”

“And I’m gay,” Jack snorted. “Funny, ain’t it?”

“You’re so wrapped up in that label,” Mark said. “I totally would’ve thought you’d bang chicks too if you didn’t keep correcting me.”

“Never tried a vagina— never gonna.”

“Too bad,” Mark sighed. “Boobs are great.”

“No, no, see, it’s a common misconception that gay men don’t like tits,” Jack said. “Many a gay boy would still knock around a pair of tits if they get the chance. Tits are a general, universal desire. There’s nothing not sexy about a pair of tits banging around. It’s really just the whole vagina. Looks like the predator’s mouth.”

“Oh my god, I wish you weren’t kinda right,” Mark snickered. 

Jack bit his lip. “… Can I tell ye’ somethin’, Mark?”

“I mean, is it about how vaginas look weird to you? Because I don’t want you to ruin this for me, Jack. Amy’s fucking perfect in every way and I really, really don’t want to be freaked out the next time she spreads her legs. Us men, we’re visual learners. We draw similarities. I don’t wanna be between her legs and suddenly shout Dutch’s famous line. She wouldn’t really appreciate her vagina being called an ugly motherfucker.”

“It’s about Felix.”

Suddenly, the game was paused and Mark was no long upside down. He was upright on his bed, staring down at Jack for a moment, before he moved entirely to sit on the floor and look to Jack with the most compassionate, patient look Jack had ever been given. Even by his own mother. 

“Jack,” Mark began softly, and Jack had to interrupt him.

“This is weird t’ask, but could ye’ call me Seán for this?” For some reason, going by Jack for this whole thing left a weird feeling inn Jack’s stomach, especially after Felix had brought up the significance of Jack’s first name last night. Mark looked momentarily surprised, but quickly recovered. 

Seán,” Mark corrected easily. “Whatever it is you’re feeling for Felix, whatever you’re beginning to realize, and whatever breakthrough you’re starting to approach, I want you to promise me that you won’t fight it. All of this internalized bullshit, this fear, this literal definition of homophobia, and not the social thing. How you’re genuinely afraid of being gay. I want you to put all of that aside and just work out what you’re feeling and thinking with no fear, no anxiety, no guilt, no nothing. You don’t need any of this to bring you down, do you understand me? What you feel for another boy is not wrong and no one in this town will condemn you without me threatening to beat the shit out of them.

“And really, I want you to actually understand how shocked most of the adults were. I asked the language teacher the other day, asked her if she remembered the incident — though I didn’t name any names — and she told me how the entire faculty was appalled. How they were overjoyed when that crazy lady was fired. The people here, they’re not backwards hicks, Seán. They’re not fucking psychos, this is a god damn college town, okay? Most of these people would rather protest _for_ you than against you for who you are. And you know that all of us, all of your friends. We won’t look down on you or hate you or ostracize you. We have a fucking betting pool for how long it will take Tyler to just make out with Ethan, and Ethan’s in on it! So if you’re afraid of us getting on your case about Felix, I can promise you that it won’t happen. Even Kathryn’s warming up to him, and Amy's making t-shirts.

“The last thing I wanna say is that I really, really, _really_ think that Felix is the person who can make you the happiest. The way you just open up around him, the way you smile and how your eyes light up, the way you let yourself go, it’s fucking, it’s…” Mark threw his hands around, momentarily at a loss for words. Jack was flushing bright red at this point. He’d never expected such a heartfelt pep talk. “Okay, look, don’t tell Amy this, but you and Felix honestly seem more like soulmates than me and her, and Amy and I are already the most perfect couple in the whole world, so congratulations, you somehow have us beat. Like, the way you two look standing next to each other alone is aesthetically pleasing. There could be Tumblr blogs dedicated to you both. 

“I just look at you with him and I feel like I’m finally seeing what I would always hear about in those love songs about the happy ending,” Mark said. “That one perfect person, that’s what you and Felix have. And I am confident, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if you and Felix work out these problems between you both and finally let yourselves be happy and be together, you will have your soulmate, and you will be with that man for the rest of your god damn, apple pie, happily-ever-after life.”

“I’m still fuckin’ scared,” Jack confessed. “I am. And, and not for the reason you think it would be, okay? Not because I’ve got all this internalized shit, not cause of the town, but because Felix got fucking hit, ye’ know? He, he got hit across the face by someone, and that just tells me that Felix has got a lot more awful shit up in his head, a-and I already left him, so…” Jack shook his head. “I’m not even scared for myself, I’m scared for him. I don’t want him to feel anxious or depressed and freaked out or like he’s years older than he should be. Anyone can look at him and see he’s got some sort of trauma.”

“Well, that would probably be Ken,” Mark said.

“What the fuck?” Jack tugged at his hair violently. “Who the fuck is Ken and why do I keep hearing about him?! What the fuck did he do, Mark, who the fuck is that guy?”

“Dude, if Felix didn’t tell you, then I can’t tell you,” Mark sighed. “And I may have let more on than I’d mentioned before, but I feel the need to subtly affirm that yes, Felix probably does have more trauma than you thought about. Bad boyfriend, weird shit all his life, tragic friends, absent parents. It’s probably gonna bring in a few problems, but don’t you think he’s worth it?”

“Of course he’s worth it, I’m just worried that I’m not going to be enough to help him,” Jack stressed. “If I’m not capable of helping him piece himself back together after a bad moment, then what good am I in a relationship with him?”

“You’re talking like you’re certain that he’s got all of these visible reactions,” Mark said. “Don’t people say that depression is quiet? For all you know, he’s constantly suffering on the inside, and there’s nothing _anyone_ can do about it.”

Jack looked horrified.

“Okay, okay, my bad, probably shouldn’t have suggested that,” Mark amended. “But it’s true. Everyone knows he’s been pretty sad since we’ve all known him, up until you came back, that is. Perpetual emptiness and general anxiety has always been Felix to the core. Amy once debated reporting him to the school counselor because she thought she saw cuts on his wrists, like, he’s always been a fucked up and sad person and nothing has ever changed that.

“What the fuck is your point?” Jack demanded stiffly.

“My point is that he’s not any of that anymore,” Mark said. “You saw a glimpse of it at the party, you saw who he used to be. That guy just standing there, existing on his own, feeling tired. That’s not him anymore and it’s all because you’ve come back and you’ve reached out to him and accepted him back into your life. You’ve given him that happiness again that only you ever could, as his friend.”

“He has other friends,” Jack tried to argue. He didn’t want to accept what Mark was telling him, because if it was true, then it would mean that while Jack was responsible for bringing back Felix’s happiness, Jack was also the one who took it away.

“Brad seems more like a support group than a friend, and Michael has so many problems that it really just nullifies the calming effect friendship is supposed to give you,” Mark pointed out. “You’re really the only one to make him any better. So your fear of not being enough to help him is just dumb as hell. You are the only one helping him at all right now.”

Jack pressed his fingers into his eyes. “… Mark, I promised ye’ that I wouldn’t fall for him again.” And he really hadn’t thought he was into Felix again until Mark’s impassioned speech.

“You’ve already fallen for him,” Mark snorted. “Don’t lie to me. I know you’re fucking smitten, head over heels, crazy in love. And I don’t think you ever really stopped, so it’s really only fair that we just kinda brush past how you’re suddenly back in love after having never fallen out of love. Do yourself a favor and skip this freak out, Seán. You’re gay, you’re in love with Felix, there, done.” Mark clapped his hands. “Now that we’re past that, what’re you gonna do about it?”

“Literally nothing,” Jack said. “Pine from afar. Maybe write some sad poetry. Have weird sex dreams and feel guilty every time I masturbate in the shower and accidentally let his name slip out. Still kinda unsure about actually being into him in the first place, Mark. All I know is that I care about what he cares about and I maybe have stared at his ass way too many times.”

Mark nodded. “Sounds good, sounds good, but are you open for suggestions? Because I suggest that you not do all of that.” Jack rolled his eyes. “Look, dude, we all know you fucked up, like hella—”

“Hella?” Jack made a face.

“Yes, hella, let me finish! We all know you fucked up like hella, so now you're gonna spend your days being so fucking nice and adoring and, and loyal to him that he’s going to have no choice but to take you back. Because he likely isn’t into you anymore, and he totally has good reason, and you need to earn this, Jack, you need to earn him and work your way back into his good graces. You need to woo him, Seán. You need to woo the fuck out of him.”

Jack grinned a bit. “I’m gonna woo the fuck out of him.”

“Does he like flowers?” Mark scrunched his brow and pulled out his phone, surfing the web. “I honestly don’t think Felix looks like the flowers type, though he does exude sunshine and flower crowns when he smiles. It’s the Swedish thing. What about chocolate? Bacon? There’s a ton of bacon and chocolate stuff. You can also send glitter, but I’m pretty sure that’s a thing for your enemies.”

“Felix would get so pissed if I sent him glitter,” Jack snorted. “And he’s really more of a ‘spend time with me’ kind of guy. Materialistic shit doesn’t matter to him cause he can just get it for himself. That’s what he says about it, I mean. He always liked just being around people more than people buying things for him.”

“That’s really sweet,” Mark sighed almost dreamily. “Good news for you, Jack, you’re gonna get to be cheap as hell.”

“It’s a pretty good scenario,” Jack said. “Though I’ll still buy him shite, if he lets me.”

“Don’t get impatient,” Mark said. “Two years is a long time to fuck someone over. You’re gonna need at least a year or something to fix it. Some long timeframe, I’m not sure how long exactly, but you’re definitely gonna need to just keep at this for as long as possible.”

“I’m not about to give up,” Jack said. “I’m gonna be the very best that no one ever was. To catch Felix is my real test.”

“To bone him is your cause,” Mark said. 

Jack laughed and reached up to smack Mark’s shoulder. “Dude, get back to your game. I’m gonna try and think about what I need to do to get Felix back since apparently I’m suddenly man enough to do it. Still not positive that I’m actually into him again, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out along the way.”

“Just don’t fuck him up again,” Mark said. “Could kill him this time.”

That was a sobering thought. Jack sat back, looking to the screen as Mark started to play again and refused to let the reality of what he’d done sink in. If Felix really had been as far gone as Mark had described, if Amy really had seen marks on his arms, then Jack wasn’t going to sleep for weeks. The guilt was bad enough with just the knowledge of his abandonment. Knowing the aftermath only made things worse.

Onscreen, Mark died for the millionth time.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i just banged this one out like a mofo
> 
> enjoy i guess

Jack woke up Monday morning thirty minutes before Felix woke up. He knew Felix would probably be ready in under fifteen minutes, which gave Jack a good forty-five minutes to get ready and beat Felix outside. He knew Felix was still at his home because the truck was still out front. It was odd. Michael had once made it out like Felix spent most of his nights at Brad’s place. That didn’t seem to be the case anymore. 

Jack took the quickest shower of his life and was out the front door before even his parents woke up. He scurried across his lawn, the dew soaking into his shoes, and the chill tugging at his skin. He probably should’ve dried his hair, but he knew he didn’t have time. He probably also should’ve worn more than just a ratty t-shirt with Soldier 76’s number across the front. But the shirt made his arms look good and the color made his eyes stand out, especially when paired with his best skinny jeans and his chucks. Jack had spent more time on this outfit than anything he’d ever worn since hitting puberty. And regardless of the cold, Jack looked damn good. He could see so in the reflection of Felix’s car.

After a quick adjustment of his hair in the mirror, and then Jack set about finding the most nonchalant way to stand while waiting for Felix. He could sit on the hood, but Felix may get a little miffed if he was, for some reason, attached to his car. Sitting on the hood might be a bad idea. He could wait by the door, but then he would risk startling Felix when he finally did come out the front door. Maybe he could stand in the grass? God, that would look stupid. And inexplicable. It would look more serious than Jack wanted, and it might make Felix nervous to find Jack standing there like that. The last thing he wanted to do was aggravate the anxiety he was sure Felix had. 

Jack settled with crossing his arms over this chest and leaning against the side of the car, resting one knee over the other in the most nonchalant and badass pose he could think of. For extra measure, he stared down the street. He didn’t want Felix to think he was watching the door or anything. That would just come off as way too creepy. 

Jack realized he’d completely forgotten his backpack at home right as Felix’s front door opened. The Swede stepped out, freshly showered and shaved, lovely as the fucking sun, save the heavy bags under his eyes that hadn’t been there the day before. he looked a little gaunter than usual. Probably a hard night. 

Felix was halfway down the front porch steps when he finally noticed Jack. “Uh…”

“Hey,” Jack greeted. “Can I hitch a ride?”

Felix recovered quickly. “Why the fuck not? I’m not picking up Michel today, he’s staying home. I was gonna grab some coffee.”

“I fucking love coffee,” Jack moaned. “I’m buying.”

“Yeah?” Felix grinned. 

Jack reached out to pat Felix on the arm and smile as brightly as he could. “Of course, Fe’. Buy ye’ the moon if I could.” He let his hand fall back down, but kept the movement slow and relaxed, trailing his fingertips down the entirety of Felix’s limb. Then he let his fingers slip away just as he brushed the top of Felix’s wrist. “Unlock the car?” he asked, pretending like he hadn’t noticed what he’d just done. Felix looked oddly hazy all of a sudden, like the touch had made him sleepy. It was adorable to watch Felix fumble for the keys. 

The coffee shop was something out of the way. Jack had never seen it before, and the barista knew Felix the moment he came through the door. She smiled widely and asked Felix if he wanted his usual, then glared fucking daggers at Jack. What the hell was this? “What do you want?” Felix asked him. Jack turned his gaze from the frowning barista to look to Felix. “To drink, Jack. What would you like?”

Jack faltered and looked to the menu. It was really just as basic as any other coffee house menu. “Uh, black coffee,” he said. It was the safest thing and he could always just throw in some sugar. Jack loved himself a strong coffee, though maybe he shouldn’t give himself the jitters while he was trying to subtly lay the moves on Felix, even as Felix grinned at him. “What?” Jack asked. 

“Black as your soul, huh?” Felix asked. “You know you only started drinking black coffee cause you wanted to show off to my dad. You still fucking drink it like that? Even to this day?”

“Fuckin’ know it, bro,” Jack snickered, pulling out his wallet and paying the girl who apparently hated him. “How, uh, how often do ye’ come to this place?” Jack asked Felix, keeping eye contact with the girl. It suddenly occurred to him that he could not be the only person in the world interested in Felix. Well, shit.

This girl was pretty, too. Her hair was a lovey blue fading into pink at the ends, twisted up in a bun. She had a tattoo on her wrist and cheekbones that could cut paper. Jack felt jealousy flare in his chest. Felix had been with girls. Why wouldn’t he be interested in this girl? They’d make a lovely couple, too. God, she was gorgeous, who was Jack kidding. She and Felix would look amazing together. 

“I come here, like, every week or so,” Felix said as he waited at the other end of the bar for his drink. “Thanks for paying, _babe_.” Felix gave him an exaggerated wink. “I’ll blow you later.”

“Shut up,” Jack snorted, literally watching the girl realize that Jack was a level above her on the friendship level. This was petty as hell. Jack was petty as all fucking hell. He sent her a smile, the fucking meanest smile he’d worn in a while, and took his card back, then went to join Felix against the bar. He felt pretty good about himself and it was just… It was so fucking petty. God, Jack was a terrible person. He was getting his good feelings from ruining someone’s day, someone who barely knew him. He was an asshole. 

Felix nudged his shoulder. “Dude, you okay?”

“That girl likes ye’,” Jack said, lowering his voice exponentially. 

“Yeah, I know,” Felix affirmed with a bit of a sad smile. “She’s sweet, too. But I’m not interested.”

“At all?”

Felix raised a brow. “Would it matter if I was?”

Jack shrugged. “I mean, a little.” He quickly thought of a lie as to why. “Ye’ can’t even talk about yer ex, so I’m honestly a little nervous for ye’ getting into any sort of relationship. Ye’ need to be careful, yeah? You’re fragile and stuff. Emotionally.” Jack kept his voice low because he could tell the girl was trying very hard to hear them. 

“Dude, I’m, like, into someone right now,” Felix told him, rolling his eyes. “Someone really stupid and dense as fucking hell and also a bit of a dick. And he’s got a penis.” Felix took his drink from the now-crestfallen barista. She couldn’t tell that Felix also looked a little sad as he confessed this to Jack. Letting someone down easy just wasn’t a thing these days. “Nothing to worry about, Jack-a-boy. Nothing at all.”

Jack frowned and took his coffee. He considered checking to make sure the girl hadn’t spit in it, but she probably wasn’t as much of a jerk as Jack was. “We should go, Fe’,” he suggested softly. “School and all.”

“And I just _love_ learning,” Felix drawled.

Jack watched Felix as they left the coffee shop. “Felix, hey,” he said, stopping in the parking lot. Felix turned to face him, sipping on his drink, watching Jack expectantly. “Whoever that asshole is? The dense and stupid one? They don’t deserve you.”

Felix pursed his lips together like he was trying not to burst into laughter. “Sure thing, Jack.”

“I’m serious,” Jack defended with a frown. Jack knew he was way better than whoever this fucking joke was. “Ye’ deserve someone who’s gonna stay by your side through thick and thin. Someone you know you can trust. Someone who cares about ye’ more than anything.” Felix’s face began to fall. Maybe Jack was getting through to him. “Ye’ should only be with someone who you know for a fact would never leave yer side and never fail ye’. That’s what you deserve.”

“Maybe you’re right,” Felix said, his voice falling into something that reminded Jack of the music Felix listened to these days. “Maybe he isn’t good for me.” Felix paused. “… That’s never really stopped me before, though.” He opened the truck door. “You said it yourself— we’re gonna be late. Get in the car, Jack.”

“Did I just fuck up?” Jack asked aloud. “I was trying to be supportive.”

“Oh my god, Jack, please, just get in the fucking car.”

“I really did just fuck up, huh?” Jack sighed and did as he was told. “Sorry, Fe’. Not quite sure what sets ye’ off these days, I guess.”

“Nothing sets me off,” Felix bragged. “I’m cool as a cucumber.”

. . .

_invite felix 2 lunch_

_flx needs to eat lunch with tha gang *piece sign*_

_wanna invite felix to our table for lunch?_

_amy is telling me to tell u that felix needs to eat with us this is tyler btw do u even have my number_

“You spelled peace wrong,” Jack told Ethan at the lunch table, fighting the need to put too much judgement in his tone. “You’ve got one strike. If I see another typo from you, it’ll be two. You don’t want to know what happens at three.”

“Says the guy who hasn’t had a spelling test in years,” Ethan said.

“Did you invite Felix?” Amy pressed. “Michael’s not here, right? So he’s gonna be all alone! You told him to eat with us, right?”

Jack smacked down his tray of food that actually had enough for two. “And I bought his lunch.” He grinned widely. “I noticed he didn’t have any breakfast this morning, so look at that, motherfuckers. This is how ye’ take care of someone. Feed ‘em and tell ‘em they’re pretty.”

“So you’re really wooing him?” Kathryn asked with a slight frown. “You’re sure that’s a good idea?”

“He’s not a drug addict,” Mark said. That was relieving. Jack was sure Kathryn didn’t see him as entirely trustworthy, but Mark was different. Mark was smart and she’d been friends with him for longer; she’d believe him easier than anyone else. “I'm not even sure I’ve ever seen Felix take Michael’s drugs. And Michael does have a legitimate reason for his license, Kathryn, I promise. It’s not like what you’re used to.”

Kathryn looked put out, but didn’t say anything else. 

“Just be nice to him,” Ethan said, messing with ketchup pouches. “He’s cool. He and Jack showed us their gay cave and he totally gave us a ride home after Mark’s car crapped out on him.”

“My car was having performance issues, it happens to everyone!” Mark knocked over Ethan’s little ketchup home. “Let’s get back to Jack wooing Felix before Felix gets here, because he’s not very creative and he needs all the help he can get.”

“I’m doing well enough,” Jack huffed.

“What have you done?” Mark asked, tone even.

“I, uh… I waited for him in the morning and then bought him coffee.”

Mark’s brow flew up, slightly impressed. “More than I’d thought you’d have. Well done, Jack.”

“Just how low are your standards for me?” Jack asked with a scowl.

“Lower than Tyler’s morals.” Mark replied. “We should write a list of things for Jack.” Amy whipped out a notebook covered in stickers and pulled a sharpie from her bag. She watched Mark, pen poised above the paper, waiting. “I still think you should do flowers at least once,” Mark thought aloud. “Though that’s for much further down the road, once you’re ready to make your more romantic intentions perfectly clear. Right now, you’re in the repair stage. Fix your relationship and mend his trust in you.”

“You should consistently see him in the mornings,” Kathryn said. “Men like gestures of faithfulness.”

“God, yes, we do,” Ethan moaned. His ketchup house was impressive by now, though he was almost entirely in Tyler’s lap at this point, trying to get the right angle. It was a few inches tall and stabilized by milk cartons that Tyler was subtly supplying Ethan with, watching Ethan’s face as Ethan had his fun. “Men love faithfulness, nothing worse than some hoe goin’ round and sleeping with everything that walks.”

“Don’t men do that too?” Kathryn asked, expression snide. 

“Yeah, but the ones who don’t prefer other people that don’t,” Ethan said, his face twisted in concentration as he struggled to build a pointed roof. “I mean, wouldn’t you hate to be with someone who was inconsistent and unreliable? Regardless of gender, faithful people like faithful people. Felix is pretty damn faithful. It’s the alphabet law.”

“Ethan has a point,” Mark agreed. “If you can show him you're sticking around in smaller, more gradual gestures, he’d be more likely to trust you with the larger things, like becoming confident that you won’t ditch him again. So try and see him every morning.”

“What does he like?” Amy asked as she scribbled furiously.

“He likes when ye’ spend time with him,” Jack said with a helpless shrug.

“Okay, yeah, but he has to like _something_ materialistic,” Amy insisted. “My grandfather will always say he would prefer to be with his family than receive any presents, but you know he never complains when he gets his favorite wine for his birthday. What does Felix like?”

Jack chewed on his lower lip. “… _The Room?_ ”

Tyler muffled a laugh behind his hand. “That shitty movie with Tommy Wiseau?”

“Never seen it,” Kathryn mumbled.

“You’re not missing anything,” Jack promised. “It’s a ton of badly portrayed sex with terrible dialogue and even worse acting. The only good part is how hot Greg Sestero is, and even he gets cringy as all hell at the end.”

“Are you kidding me, that movie sounds _amazing_ ,” Ethan deadpanned. “I love sex. Good sex, bad sex. It’s like a bad pizza, meaning, there’s really no such thing. It’s just less-good pizza.”

“Uh…” Amy glanced between everyone, wondering if they were thinking what she was thinking.

“Pizza can’t molest you, Amy, shut up,” Ethan snorted. 

“Then I don’t see how sex can entirely be like pizza,” Amy huffed.

“Uh, what?” Felix was standing behind Felix, and he might have been there for much longer than Jack had realized. “Molested by pizza? What does this have to do with Greg?” He looked down at Jack, genuinely confused. “I, uh. I can go to the band room if you…”

Amy snatched a chair from the table beside them and let it screech across the linoleum until it hit Felix in the back of his knees. “Sit,” she said firmly, pulling out her cell. “I have something to show you.”

Jack’s eyes went wide, memories of the photo on Amy’s phone, and smacked his hands on the table. “Jeopardizing,” he accused sharply.” Jeopardizing.”

She snickered. “I just wanted to show him the picture of my dog!”

“Amy, come, c’mon,” Mark said, reaching out to subtly pull the notebook from off the tabletop. Jack suddenly realized this was an elaborate distraction. He realized why this was necessary when he saw that Amy had written _“MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: JACK GIVES FELIX DAT IRISH D”_ in huge letters across the top of the page. Jack needed more subtle friends. 

“Here’s my dog,” Amy said, swiping through her phone far too carelessly. Jack didn’t believe she’d taken the photo off of her phone. He tensed in his seat, feeling like the anticipation was going to kill him. “And here’s my dog trying to get out of taking a bath. That’s not a photo for you, and there’s my dog again.”

“Wait, what was that picture?” Felix frowned. “Was that Jack?”

“I will break your god damn, fucking phone,” Jack hissed. Amy smirked and pulled her phone back, shrugging innocently when Felix looked to her for explanation. “Thank you,” Jack bit out, near-seething. If Felix had seen the photo, he would’ve made way bigger of a deal, but Jack was still pissed. What the fuck. 

“What was that?” Felix asked Jack under his breath, so terribly adorable when he didn’t understand things. 

“Nothing important,” Jack huffed. “Some fucking sex pic, it doesn’t matter.”

“Sex pic?” Felix lit up. “I would love to see that.” Amy started to pull out her phone back out, but Mark reached out and gently pushed the phone back down into her lap. Felix faltered. He really did look like he felt like he didn’t belong. 

“Dude, hey, I got you lunch,” Jack said, sliding the tray over to Felix. “You didn’t eat this morning, just had that coffee, so I figured ye’ could use a larger meal. There’s apples, and P-B-and-J, and tater tots. Also some chips. Oh, and a chicken sandwich.” Jack could barely remember what he’d bought, he’d just sorta grabbed everything for Felix, hoping he would like something. “What’re ye’ hungry for?” He turned to face Felix, thrown off when he saw how Felix was looking at the food. It was almost as if Felix felt guilty. 

“I, uh, I’ll just take the apple,” Felix said. “I really did eat. It’s cool.”

Jack knew that was a lie because Felix had left earlier in the morning like he would when he intended on picking up Michael, meaning he hadn’t given himself enough time to eat anything at all. So Felix was lying, but that was only fair. Jack had just lied about the photo, after all. And an avoidance to eating wasn’t really something you just brought up in front of a large group of near-strangers. Jack didn’t want to put Felix on the spot; he simply handed over the apple without comment.

“I’ll take the sandwich,” Mark said. 

“Gimme that sweet peanut butter and jell-ay,” Ethan said. 

“Can I have the chips?” Kathryn asked. 

“Kathryn asked nicely, so only she gets to have the food,” Jack said, tossing her the bag. Mark pouted as Kathryn happily opened up her gifted snack, munching away.

“Jack,” Mark bemoaned. “I’m withering away. I need the protein.”

“Hey, Jack, could I have the peanut butter and jelly?” Tyler asked. Jack handed him the sandwich, knowing what was doing to happen. Tyler opened up the sandwich, then handed it over to Ethan, who let out a cry of excitement. Ethan split the sandwich down the middle, offered the larger half to Tyler (who took it), and then started to eat the part that was his. Felix snorted a laugh, watching Tyler and Ethan like he knew something.

“That just leaves me, Jack,” Mark said. “Please. Baby. Please feed me.” Mark widened his eyes like he was trying to emulate a begging animal. Jack groaned and threw the chicken sandwich at him. “I praise thee, oh merciful god,” Mark gushed

Felix watched them all as he ate half his apple and then set the rest aside. Okay. Jack was really gonna have to talk to him now. Felix could not have possibly eaten this morning and half an apple wasn’t enough for a growing boy. He’d watch carefully tomorrow. If Felix didn’t eat a lot tomorrow, then he would be having a firm conversation with Jack, whether he wanted it or not.

“How’s Michael doing?” Mark asked, softening his voice. Felix pursed his lips, darted his eyes around like he did when he thought, and then sighed.

“Uh, honestly not sure,” Felix admitted. “Em and Brad said he had a hard night and that he asked to stay home from school. But that’s actually kinda weird for him? Because really, he loves school. Not the learning, but the mingling. He likes being in crowds most of the time. If he were really having a bad day, he’d be asking when my next party is, and not to stay home from school.” Felix looked down at his half eaten apple, expression downcast. “Kinda feels shitty. I should’ve done a better job shutting him up. He can’t make good decisions when he’s high, so it’s not his fault. It’s mine.”

Mark and Amy remained silent. They probably felt like they weren’t familiar enough with the situation to pass any counter-judgement. Maybe Jack didn’t either, but he was fucking wooing Felix, and that meant he had to be willing to be Felix in his damn place when necessary. 

“That’s fuckin’ bullshit, Fe’,” Jack spat. “He can say whatever the hell he wants. You tried to make him stop, and he chose to ignore ye’. It ain’t yer fault. Shut up.”

Felix wilted under Jack’s furious defense, but didn’t say anything. Instead, he rolled the apple onto his side so only the uneaten, bright red was visible.

“Dude, did something happen?” Ethan asked, lost. “I, I’m, it’s doing me a concern.”

“Nothing to worry about,” Amy told Ethan with a bright smile. “Just weird shit. But hey! We should all hang out sometime! I know you dorks have your LAN thing coming up, but Felix might not even like video games.”

“I love video games,” Felix said, still staring at the red. 

“Come play with us!” Ethan gasped. “This, this is friendship, Felix. Friendship with people who want to enjoy your company. Come and be stupid with us, we always have so much fun.” The underlying “friends with normal people” was there, but Felix didn’t pick up on it. Felix really did deserve some normal friends. Michael wasn’t necessarily bad for Felix, but Jack suspected Michael wasn’t really good either. Or at least, he wasn’t good for Felix’s mental health.

Felix snorted a laugh. “What do you guys even play?”

“Everything,” Tyler said.

“Literally anything,” Ethan agreed. 

Felix continued to look between the two of them. “... Are you guys, like…” He trailed off, pursing his lips again. “Okay, so the blue haired guy, Ethan? You’re basically sitting on the other dude’s lap. Am I, like, reading into this wrong? What’s happening?”

Ethan was suddenly back in his own chair with a startled expression and Kathryn was groaning, head in her hands. “No!” Amy protested. “You ruined it! We were waiting to see when they’d notice, it’s always so cute when they suddenly notice!”

“Fuck off, Amy,” Tyler said firmly, watching Ethan like he wanted to make sure he wasn’t upset. “Ethan can do whatever the hell he wants.”

“Yeah, Ethan can do what he wants,” Ethan agreed weakly. Oh god, the poor kid was humiliated. Jack felt bad for him, and Felix looked like he did too, with how he was frowning at the boy. 

Then Felix was suddenly up and sitting in Jack’s lap, oh god, what the fuck. Jack could feel Felix’s entire fucking ass up against his dick and this definitely wasn’t a good scenario for him. Mark’s eyes were wide and Amy had her fucking phone out for a picture while Jack struggled to figure out where to put his hands. He was a little amazed Felix was doing something like this for someone he barely knew, but Ethan didn’t look like he hated himself anymore. That was a plus. 

“It’s totally normal to sit in your best dude’s lap,” Felix said with way more haughtiness than he’d probably ever felt. “Nothing unusual here.” Jack was bright red, he could feel it to the tips of his ears. He had to focus very intently on not getting a boner. Felix was warm and alive and he had a very, very nice ass, and Jack was still working through his attraction. He remembered the press of Felix’s body against his own from the dream. While this wasn’t really the same, the memory was enough. Jack held onto the edges of the table and made sure his voice was hiding Felix’s back. This was too much.

“Poor Jack,” Amy giggled. Even Kathryn was smiling at him, Jack could just barely see her around Felix’s arm. Felix squirmed a little, causing Jack’s body to align perfect with Felix’s. If he just rolled his hips upwards, his cock would be nestled perfectly between the cheeks of Felix’s ass. Oh no. Oh, this was bad. This was very, very bad. Jack’s grip on the table was white. He pressed his forehead into the spot between Felix’s shoulder blades and wondered how much longer he would have to endure this. Could he get away with holding a book or something over his crotch? Maybe a backpack?

He wondered if Felix would experience the same problem. If Felix felt Jack get hard beneath him, would he be effected? Jack pictured Felix’s features growing pink, his eyes get dark and hazy. Maybe he’d like it. Maybe he’d grind down on Jack with sinful intent, maybe Jack would feel Felix’s body shudder. Maybe Felix would have to hide his own growing problem, maybe he’d turn around, meet Jack’s eyes, and then—

Felix stiffened, Jack felt it through his whole body. Jack was hard now, his brain had fucked him over like nothing else. Jack hung his head, ashamed. He should have had more control over himself. He waited for Felix to move, get off Jack’s lap, get the fuck away from him and leave the cafeteria, but Felix didn’t. Instead, Felix pulled out his phone and started texting someone. 

Jack’s phone buzzed and he snatched it up, needing the distraction. 

_dude get ur dick out of my butt ;)_

Jack choked on his own tongue and shoved Felix by the shoulder. “Asshole,” he muttered. 

_no no no asshole for u thats my butt not urs_

“Felix, get off,” Jack snorted, pushing Felix back into his chair. There, now the problem was no longer in the open. Jack could will this thing away if he thought about dead bodies enough. Maybe some sad stuff, like funerals and car accidents and Felix’s face in the rearview as Jack’s parents drove him away and yep. Boner gone. Guilt was really the best method for Jack. 

“Oh come on, we were bonding!” Felix whined. 

“Why is Jack so red?” Ethan asked. What an asshole. Jack had taken a hit for him to get the conversation away from Ethan’s blunder, and now Ethan was monopolizing on Jack’s own distress. Terrible friend. Would not recommend.

“Mark, you gotta tell me how you were able to hold that note in band the other day,” Felix said, a blatant redirect. Felix was the only one looking out for him. It was very appreciated. “That thing lasted, like, six measures, and we were at a tempo of forty. That shit ain’t possible, Mark, you’re not some flute player, trumpets don’t have that kind of lung capacity and everyone knows it. What’s your secret? Hold your breath in the bathtub? Hold your breath in general at random moments during the day?”

“Do you hold your breath when you go down on Amy?” Ethan asked.

Amy snatched up Ethan’s PB&J and threw it onto the floor. Ethan stared at the half eaten mess with an expression of betrayal. 

Felix snorted. “And you guys thought I was the one on drugs.”

“He’s right,” Tyler said. “We seriously thought it was Felix. Turns out, it was Ethan doing white lines in the Walmart bathroom all along.”

“Wow, someone should’ve told me I could afford hard drugs,” Ethan said. “I would’ve been buying new specs for my PC. Fuck drugs, man, RAM is way more expensive. Takes, like, three cocaine buys to afford a spec of RAM.”

“God, yes, amazing callback,” Mark said. “Felix, we are one hundred percent serious about you coming to play games with us. You’re cool as hell and we’re cool as hell. And you need some good, supportive friends who you can just chill with and play video games with, and we could totally be that. So this weekend— come over to my place and play some shitty games with us. We’ll kick Jack off, he can just watch. We’ll teach you how to capture Bigfoot and how to dive into the depths of the ocean and how to be a badass.”

Felix bit his lip. “… If Michael’s okay, then yeah. I’ll go. But only if.” There was suddenly something hesitant in his tone, something nervous. Maybe Michael was worse off than Felix had originally told him. 

“Why wouldn’t Michael be okay?” Ethan asked.

“Just let me know,” Mark said. “If Michael wants to come along too, he’s totally welcome.”

Felix nodded, looking down at the red of the apple. Jack snatched up the apple. “Dude you gotta stop staring at stuff and getting all pensive,” Jack said. “Jesus, Fe’, people have been sayin’ shit and I’m startin’ to get worried.”

Felix made a face. “I’ve told you, dude, I’m fine.” His tone still wasn’t any less anxious. Jack glanced down and saw Felix’s leg was bouncing underneath the table. 

“Fine is really the most cryptic word to use when describing your emotional wellbeing,” Kathryn chimed in. 

“It’s a word,” Felix replied. “It can mean whatever it means to anyone. Language is relative.”

Kathryn just shrugged.

Felix stood. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” he told Jack. “Want a ride home later?”

“Absolutely,” Jack replied. “I’ll wait for ye’ wherever ye’ want me, Fe’. Just say the word and I’ll be there.”

Felix raised a brow. “Uh… Sure. Just, text me.” He left quickly, looking a little flustered. 

Ethan snickered. “Wow, Jack, thirsty much?”

“I've told ye’,” Jack defended. “Felix doesn’t measure affection through gifts and shit, he pays attention when you pay attention. When you give him yer time.” Jack started to throw away what was left of his own lunch. “I’m gonna head to class early, kinda wanna get some of my own legitimate ideas down. Thanks for not giving him the third degree, though I really wish there could’ve been a little less sex in the conversation.”

“We’re teenagers, it’s all we think about,” Amy said.

Jack rolled his eyes. “Again, thank ye’. I’ll see ye’ fucks later.” Jack shouldered his bag and ran after Felix. He wasn’t actually going to work on anything. He wanted to ask Felix a few things. Running down the hall wasn’t exactly a smart idea, but he needed to catch up. He saw Felix disappear into the bathroom, so he naturally followed him inside. 

Felix was leaning against the sink, bent over with his head to the mirror. Jack frowned. Felix had been perfectly okay literally minutes before. This sudden change…

“Dude, I really, really want ye’ te’ see some sort of doctor,” Jack said. Felix startled, knocking his head a little sharply against his reflection. Felix hissed and rubbed his forehead with his palm, glaring at Jack through the mirror. Jack shrugged. He didn’t care if he’d snuck up on Felix; it didn't make his statement any less true. “Sad music is one thing, Fe’. But mood swings?”

“They’re not mood swings,” Felix sighed. “Michael, uh… He isn’t doing as well as we’d hoped. Usually, by now, he'd be feeling a little better. But I was late to lunch cause I was on the phone with Brad. Michael’s locked himself in his room. Won’t talk to anyone.” Felix’s glare turned into a grimace. “Sucks. Take one step forward, then three back. It’s like we’re not getting anywhere, and yet he’s too scared to go to the people who could actually help.” Felix sighed. “I can only do so much, Seán. We’re just kids. We can’t help him but he won’t let anyone else in.”

Jack’s face fell and he approached Felix carefully. He rested his hand between Felix’s shoulder blades. “For a second, I was worried this was because I poked you in the butt with me cock.” Having that blatant confession out there was really his best way of trying to cheer Felix up. The Swede snorted a sound like might’ve been a laugh. 

“Dude, you and I have shared a bed way too many times for that to bother me,” Felix told him. “I was there for the beginning of puberty with you. I’ve seen things.”

Jack snickered and rubbed Felix’s back. “… If you’re really worried about Michael, ye’ ought to talk to him. Really talk to him. Let him know that it’s startin’ to get to ye’. Cause it is, Fe’. The way ye’ suddenly changed just then at lunch isn’t like ye’, ye’ve always been either excited or neutral as fuck. Never anything less without reason. If he’s affectin’ ye’ like that…”

“I can’t tell him he’s too much, he’ll take it the wrong way,” Felix said. “He’ll just snap himself out of my life completely, he’ll think that I hate him or don’t want him at all. It’s all or nothing with Michael.”

“Felix, ye’ can’t let yourself be run into the ground…”

“If I don’t, then he gets worse,” Felix told him. “And Jack, things… I can’t imagine them getting worse.” Felix finally pulled away from the sink to face Jack. “You don’t see it cause you’re never around him at night. He can’t sleep, Jack, he can barely eat most mornings. Smoking only helps when the sun’s out. He sees shit in the dark. He hears the guy talking to him. And the man isn’t even in jail, if you go into town you could fucking run into Michael’s rapist. It does shit to him.”

“And it’s doing shit to ye’,” Jack told him. “Again, mood swings. Not you, totally not you. Ye’ need to take a step back before it really fucks with ye’.”

“I’m not gonna abandon him, Jack.”

“I’m not saying ye’ need to,” Jack told him, wrapping his hand around Felix’s upper arm. Felix's eyes snapped to where they touched, but he didn’t pull away. “Ye’ can’t help him if you’re on the verge of losing yourself.”

“I’m not going to collapse.”

“Ye’ need a day to yourself.

“He could need me, Jack.”

“Better to not have ye’ for a day than a lifetime.”

Felix’s jaw clenched, but he didn’t argue. 

“I’m serious,” Jack insisted. “I need ye’ to take care of yourself, cause it’s apparently not just for yourself. If ye’ start to cave in, Michael won’t be able to rely on ye’. So by taking care of yourself now, you’re helping him too.”

“Jack, it’s not that fucking easy.”

“Ye’ think I can’t see that?” Jack demanded. “Felix, I don’t know the first fucking thing about helping a kid who’s been through what Michael has. There are novels out there written down for this shit, thousands of studies, people dedicating their lives to repairing people like Michael, and yet most of ‘em will never get any better because humans have no fucking idea how to help these kids. It’s messy and exhausting and painful and I’m not trying to make ye’ believe that I know what I’m doing here. I’m in the dark and I’m not even gonna pretend that I know any better than you do.”

“Good, cause you don’t,” Felix said weakly. “You weren’t there when they found him, and when Michael’s parents turned him away. Michael, Michael begged them to press charges, he had to literally beg his parents through his fucking tears to press charges against the man who raped him and they still said no. I saw it, Jack. I was in the fucking room, and I saw how fucking cruel and sick humanity can be and that is all I have ever seen my whole fucking life, Jack.”

Felix pushed himself off the wall and started to pace, his fingers knotting in his hair. Jack used to worry Felix would bald early on in life with how much he pulled at his hair. Now, Jack could see the way Felix’s fingers shook. “All I’ve ever seen is adults fucking kids over, kids fucking kids over, everyone getting fucked over and then fucking someone else over in turn. Michael loses his fucking mind when he hears a deep enough voice, a voice that sounds a little too similar to the man that took him, he goes fucking comatose. Brad’s family is fucking dead. Emma’s parents hate Brad so much they wouldn’t even help pay for the wedding of their fucking daughter. How fucked is that?”

“It’s pretty fucked,” Jack admitted, watching Felix move around the bathroom feverishly. He couldn’t stop staring at the way Felix was trying to pull his hair out and how the shaking of Felix’s hands couldn’t be calmed even by the dull pain Felix had to feel from the tugging. 

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” Felix kept saying. “I don’t know how to fix anything. I couldn’t even help my best friend when he was so terrified for his future that he felt like he had to run away. I couldn’t help you, I couldn’t help Michael, I can’t help fucking anyone, Jack, I’m so fucking useless and I just suck up money from my dad. I-I ruined my father’s marriage, I ruined his happiness, I ruined my own family, and my own fucking mother decided I’m not worth it, and I’m just going to end up wandering around, useless, stupid, alone, and—”

Jack couldn’t watch this anymore. He reached up and took Felix’s hands from his hair, wringing their fingers together and holding tightly to Felix’s hands to try and stop the shaking. “Shut up, Felix,” Jack told him, his voice steady. “Shut up.”

Felix faltered and couldn’t meet Jack’s eyes. “… Sorry,” he said after a moment. “I, uh. I get caught up sometimes. I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have had to see that.”

“I’m your friend, Fe’,” Jack told him. “I want to see everything. Good and the bad.”

“Jesus christ, Jack, did you spend all that time in Ireland reading Nicholas Sparks novels?”

“Dude.” Jack frowned at him. “You’re not cool with being open and shit anymore, I get it, but don’t be an ass about it.”

Felix hung his head. He hadn’t pulled his hands away. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Jack sighed. “And all of that shit you were saying? You’re right. The world is a fucked up place. No one knows how to be happy anymore, so they just step all over people and think that catering to their own personal needs will bring them that happiness, even though that’s the worst way to actually be happy. Happiness comes from people that ye' care about and care about you. And maybe ye’ feel like ye’ don’t have that. I’m not gonna tell ye’ you do, even though you so fucking’ do, Fe’. I know ye’ won’t believe me, so I’m just gonna have to work hard and convince you.”

“Convince me of what?” Felix asked. “That I’m not a piece of shit that ruined the lives of my parents, my friends, and even a teacher?”

Jack froze. “… Felix, do you fuckin’ blame yourself for that fucking witch of a woman being fired?”

“She had a stable income, Jack,” Felix stressed. “Maybe she was a horrible person in some regards, but she did a lot of volunteer work and she did the youth outreach program and she went overseas to Africa every year just to build homes. I ruined all of that for her.”

_“I can’t believe I’m hearing this.”_

Felix flinched, snatching his hands away. He took a step back.

Jack stared at the floor between them. The high school bathroom wasn’t the place to be having this conversation. “Ever ditched school?”

Felix raised a brow. “Is that a serious question?”

Jack wasn’t surprised. “We’re leaving,” he said, leading the way out of the bathroom. Felix followed him, looking like he was waiting to be scolded. And he wasn’t wrong. As they took the same route through the gym that Jack had taken with Mark, Jack thought out the kindest, most understanding way to tell Felix to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. That hard conversation was happening today.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **please take note that a tag has been added-- if what is described in this tag really bothers you, let me know and i'll give you a brief description of what is going to be described, and _stop reading at the beginning phrase "Jack waited outside the school for thirty minutes... etc."_**
> 
> **i understand that it's a little unfair to add such a serious tag this late in the story, so i will be offering this same accommodation in future chapters when this topic is brought up. i'll do my best to make things easy for people who have a hard time with the topic. just let me know if you are unable to read these specified sections and i'll give you the brief summary so you don't miss anything vital.**
> 
> **sorry for the inconvenience.**

Jack led Felix through the woods, staying silent so he could think. There was no light through the trees— a storm was rolling in and it was almost October. Jack knew the snow would come soon, that the trees would die and the green around them would finally fade. Already, color was starting to seep from the trees. The world around them was falling asleep like it always did as the cold approached, and Jack would’ve appreciated the beauty if he weren’t so fucking furious.

How the fuck could Felix blame himself? What had happened? How had Felix suddenly become that broken? It couldn’t have happened all at once, but Jack felt like he would’ve noticed sooner if that weren’t the case. Jack should’ve noticed if Felix was this fucked. They’d talked about the woman before, but Felix had never let on that he felt this way. He’d sounded fine. He’d sounded sane. What Felix had just told Jack was not fucking sane. 

Then again, the more Jack thought about it, the more he realized that Felix likely hadn’t had anyone to talk through the whole incident with. Jack had gotten a therapist and she had done wonders for his mental health, even though Jack still hadn’t really improved. He just hadn’t gotten worse. Felix, though. 

If Felix’s mother had left, and his father had been forced to take a more time-consuming job, Felix arguably hadn’t had anyone to talk to. Jack wasn’t sure when Michael and Brad had come into Felix’s life, but they had seemed more like an aftermath than a current. Brad hated Jack, yes, but more in a way where he just saw the tail end of what had happened. 

So if Felix had really been alone, then Jack couldn’t blame him for having a twisted perspective. They’d been young and impressionable— it was like childhood trauma shaping the adult. Unpredictable and horribly damaging when it went without treatment. Felix had been screamed at and slapped by a teacher under the stairs for sharing an innocent kiss with another boy and literally no one had been able to stick around and help him work through it. If Felix had gone through all the sleepless nights Jack had with literally no one to turn to when the screaming in his head became too loud to breathe, then it was no wonder Felix had all of these maladaptive thoughts. 

“Are you gonna talk or are you just gonna keep ignoring me?” Felix asked from behind Jack, his voice small. 

“I’m tryin’a get to somewhere nice,” Jack said carefully. He didn’t want to blow up within earshot of anyone, and he could still see cars through the trees. There was a tiny pond just off campus. Jack intended on getting Felix there as it was nice and peaceful to help keep this conversation controlled and non-combative. He didn’t want to start a fight. He just wanted to understand. 

“This is like when a guy breaks up with you,” Felix mumbled. “And he takes you to your favorite restaurant to ‘let you down easy’ even though he knows it’s gonna ruin your life no matter how expensive your entrée is.”

Jack glanced over his shoulder to frown at Felix. “The fuck?”

“Nothing,” Felix sighed. “I just want you to fucking talk to me and not treat me like this is such a big deal. It’s just a thing, Jack. Everything’s just a thing and there’s really no reason to freak out over it all.”

“Ye’ were just in a fuckin’ public bathroom talking about yourself like ye' think you’re worthless,” Jack told him. “And then ye’ blamed yourself for ruining the life of an abusive teacher. Felix, this is the furthest from just a thing that shouldn’t call for any freaking out.”

“I’ve told you I’m fine a million times,” Felix sighed.

“And I haven’t believed ye’ once,” Jack replied. “But ye’ wanna make this less than a big deal? Fine. We’ll talk wherever the fuck ye’ want, Fe’. Here, there, anywhere. You pick.”

Felix faltered, looking like he hadn’t actually expected Jack to listen to him. “Uh…” Felix’s eyes darted around. Again, cars were visible, and there were houses just to their left. People would be able to hear any sort of raised voices, as sound moved well enough through the trees. They could get caught because they weren’t very far away from the school yet. Even though Felix had complained, Felix had to know that they couldn’t stop here. It just wasn’t smart. 

“We can keep going,” Felix said after a minute. “Wherever you want us to be.”

“I just wanted the pond, Felix,” Jack told him. “Nothing crazy, I mean it. I just want it to be somewhere that ye’ can feel safe.” School wasn’t safe, but the solitude of nature had been their solace as children. “I’m start t’ get this dark, horrible feeling that no one was there for ye’ after I left. Not even yer dad. Whoever’s fault that is doesn’t matter, not right now. What matters is setting things straight. That’s all I care about.”

Felix nodded, eyes cast to the forest floor. “I’m pretty stupid, aren’t I?”

“Christ, Fe’, you’re the smartest person I know.”

Felix nodded stiffly, not appearing consoled. They continued on to until they finally reached the tiny pond that was further into the woods. There weren’t fish in the pond, but Jack knew smaller animals drank from the water. It wasn’t stagnant, it was replenished every time it rained. It didn’t smell and it had a few fallen leaves floating delicately across the surface, the water only disturbed by the push of the wind. 

Felix sat at the edge of the pond and stared out across the water. “… What did you wanna talk about?”

Jack sat down beside him. “You are not to blame for that woman losing her job.”

Felix sighed. “You sure about that?”

“She hit you, Fe’. She called us sinners. She said god would look down on us and feel disgust. She said we were damned, heading straight for hell. And she said all of this to a pair of fifteen year olds. We were fucking children and she spat in our faces and told us we were deserving of death.” Jack pulled Felix gently by the shoulder to make him look Jack in the eye. “She would’ve said that to any poor gay kid she came across, Felix. The fact that it was you and I does not make her any less of a shitty person. She deserved to lose it all. You don’t deserve to blame yourself.”

Felix’s hands were shaking again. 

“No one ever took the time t’ tell ye’ this, did they?” Jack asked gently.

“My dad did,” Felix murmured. “And then he was heading out the door. Just like everyone else.”

“Jesus.” Jack ran his hand over his face. “Look, I get it. I went through my own awful shit after everything was said and done. Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t look in the mirror, couldn’t talk to strangers. I took long showers like I thought I could wash the sin from my skin, but nothing ever worked because I could never forget ye’. And that wasn’t a bad thing, because now, looking back, I’d never want to forget ye’. Whatever bad we went through doesn’t mean a damn thing next to the good we had, right?” Jack smiled a bit. “Right?

Felix’s jaw started to tremble. Then he nodded. “Right.”

“See?” Jack reached out and put a hand on Felix’s shoulder. “That’s one thing down. Bad shit is less than the good shit.”

“That was never a problem for me, remember?” Felix sent Jack a broken grin. “You were the one who asked if we could forget.”

“Well, I thought ye’d appreciate seeing me own improvement. Not sure how I’m supposed to recondition two years worth of awful for ye’, Fe’. Ye’ve got this terrible idea in your head that ye’ somehow ruined the life of a woman who ruined other peoples’ lives in the name of her religion.” Jack shook his head. “Ye’ didn’t ruin anything of hers. She ruined it for herself. If anything, she got the punishment she deserved.”

“No one deserves to lose their fucking livelihood, Jack.”

“She made her choice,” Jack said firmly. “She did this to herself. Ye’ won’t believe me when I say that for a while, but I want ye’ to start trying. I’ll remind ye’ whenever I can.”

Felix grimaced. “We skipped school for this? Your parents are gonna get a call and shit. Then they’ll think I’m a bad influence on you and make us never see each other again.”

“Not just this,” Jack said. “I’m still worried as fuck how easily ye’ belittled yerself into meaning nothing to anyone. I know I’ve said it, but I really think ye’ need help. And I know I sound as if I’m a broken record, but there’s something wrong in your head, Fe’, something really fucked. To think so little of yourself after all you’ve done for other people, for your friends, for Michael… It doesn’t sit right with me.”

“Doesn’t sit right with me either, if it makes you feel any better.” Felix rubbed his hands on his jeans. They weren’t shaking anymore, which did wonders for Jack’s relief. “I would give anything to not feel this way,” Felix told him, voice scraping on the edge of pained. “I would give anything to feel like I’m worth something. I would give anything to—” Felix cut himself off as his voice cracked. He brought his hands up to his eyes, pressing his knuckles deep into the sockets. Jack’s heart broke.

“Fuck, Fe’,” he choked, before reaching out and grabbing Felix by the shoulders. He pulled Felix into his chest into a tight hug and felt the other boy instantly relax in his arms. Felix’s breath shuddered out of him as hands tightened in the back of Jack’s shirt. If this was what Felix needed, then Jack could definitely provide. He loved hugs anyways. 

“Hold me, Felix,” Jack deadpanned, because again, they couldn’t really manage a serious moment. He didn’t want to make Felix uncomfortable so he had to tell jokes. He heard Felix laugh, but the sound was strangled by tears. “Make me a man, Fe’.”

“Jesus fuck, Jack.”

“I’ve never known a truly loving and warm embrace until I’ve had yours.”

“Jack, what the fuck.”

“Fuck me hard, lover.”

Felix laughed again, this time a little less tortured. He pulled back just enough that he could see Jack’s eyes. Their noses were almost touching, and for a moment, Jack thought they could kiss. Felix’s eyes darted down to Jack’s lips, then Felix was too far away for Jack to do anything. “Thanks for the shitty ass hug, dude,” Felix said, wiping his eyes, but smiling now. “Cures all ails. Including heterosexuality, apparently.”

“Fuck you, Amy and Mark are perfect.”

Felix laughed harder, shaking his head. “And that’s the only hetero couple you know.”

“Remember back when it was harder to find a gay couple?” Jack shook his head. “There’s so many of us now. We'll never be able to repopulate the planet.”

“Dammit, Jack,” Felix snickered. “Just, just, oh my god. Please stop. You, you’ve ruined the moment. We were _bonding_ , Jack, we were bonding, and then you just…”

Jack grinned, fucking up Felix’s hair because he could. “Made ye’ smile. That’s what matters to me.” Felix’s cheeks turned a lovely shade of pink, and Jack scored himself five romance points. He’d mostly been racking up on friendship, so having the added romance points was encouraging. “We’ll talk more later, if that’s fine with ye’,” Jack said. “I really wanna work on your sense of self worth, if that’s even possible.”

“I will literally get ‘I’m fine’ tattooed across my forehead to make you stop asking,” Felix groaned. “It’ll be in red ink and I’ve got plenty of room for it, though I’d probably have more room on my big ass nose.”

“Fuck off, yer nose is perfect,” Jack said. He reached out and touched his fingertip to the end of Felix’s nose just because he could. “Look at that pinnacle of Swedish beauty. Ye’ve got all of it, Fe’, the complete package.” He made a show of casting his eyes down to Felix’s crotch, then deepened his voice. “And I mean it when I say package.”

Felix shook his head, grinning. “I hope this isn’t how you got your boyfriend. Robin, right? Did you just stare at his dick until he took a hint and then just dropped his pants and that was it? Cause of that’s what you expect to happen, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to deal you a cold dish of real world disappointment.”

“I’d never objectify ye’ like that,” Jack told him. “And hey, I’ve been thinking—”

“Must’ve been difficult,” Felix interrupted just to be an unoriginal ass. 

_“I’ve been thinking,”_ Jack stressed. “That I haven’t been camping in fuckin’ ages.”

Felix paused. “… Jack, you hate camping.”

“I do not,” Jack scoffed. “I mean, I hate camping when it’s planned and shit, yeah, but not when it’s just you and I walking into the woods and sleeping whenever the fuck we want. The spontaneous shit. Nothin’ but a bag of gorp and the clothes on our backs.”

“We would usually have a blanket or two,” Felix reminded him. “And it wouldn’t be September, it’d be July.” Felix shook his head. "We do our camping in the summer, Jack, that’s how it should be if we don’t want to die. Animals start to come out and shit as it gets closer to the cold.”

“Stop being smart about this and spend the night with me in the woods.”

Felix chewed on his lower lip. “… Maybe later, Jack. I, uh. I don’t want to risk being too far away from Michael if something goes wrong.”

Jack’s face fell. “Dude. Ye’ really can’t carry him. It’s gonna ruin you.”

“Say what you want— I’m not abandoning him like his parents did.”

“ _You’re just a kid,_ Felix.”

“I haven’t been a kid in years,” Felix said. “I haven’t been a kid since that woman, and I don’t think I’ll be a kid ever again.”

Jack was suddenly struck with an idea. He left to his feet and pulled Felix up by the neck of his shirt. Felix squawked a protest, but still followed Jack as he began to march through the woods with a purpose. Jack ignored Felix’s protests, knowing their destination wasn’t far.

The park wasn’t nearly as brightly colored as Jack remembered. The vibrant reds and blues and yellows of years ago were faded from the rain and Jack’s own dwindling childlike wonder. He was sure Felix saw this in desaturated monochrome. But the swing set was still standing the the jungle gym still looked like the same deathtrap it had always been. 

“Why the fuck are we here?” Felix asked, his brow knit together in confusion.

“Ye’ haven’t been a kid in years, ye’ said so yerself,” Jack replied. “We’re gonna act like fuckin’ children. I suggest going with the monkey bars, though I won’t judge ye’ if ye’ start eating dirt. Maybe that’s a little too far back, but hey, it’s therapy. Who am I to impede yer progress.”

Felix stared at Jack, then stared at the monkey bars. “… I have sweaty hands, you know that.”

Jack nodded. “And last time you were on these bars, ye’ kicked me in the face. I understand the risks I am facing, Felix. But I am willing to put myself in harms way to give you the solace ye’ need.”

Felix made a face. “Just for that, I’m gonna knock out your teeth.” Felix looked around again. “Push me on the swings?”

Jack grinned. “Glad you’re embracing the childhood, Fe’. Get on up that shitty swing.”

As Felix sat in the leather seat, he clenched the chains and grimaced. “I wonder have many little kids have pissed themselves on this thing.”

“Knees up, Fe’!” Jack exclaimed, moving behind Felix to shove Felix into motion. The Swede flailed as he was suddenly swung forward, then back, caught up in the momentum. Jack stepped back and pushed Felix whenever he came within reach, watching Felix slowly begin to enjoy himself. Felix began to kick out his legs, not leaving Jack to do the work. Felix swung back and forth silently. Eventually, Jack stopped pushing. He went to the swing next to Felix, sat down, and kicked off. 

They swung together, side by side, quietly enjoying each other’s company. The wind rustled through the leaves and the creak of the chains worked in time to soothe Jack’s racing thoughts. It was difficult to not think of how Felix had been experiencing such difficult things in his life, but with the gentle sounds of nature surrounding them on their lonesome, the thoughts were easy to ignore. 

Felix leaned back, straightening his spine and his legs till he was a straight line. His taught arms held himself to the swing, and at the upward swing, Felix went entirely upside down. Jack could perfectly see the peaceful smile stretching across Felix’s face. Felix’s eyes were shut and his bleached hair flew about with gravity and the wind. Jack watched him, entranced by the come and go created by the swing set, and the tempting fact that if Jack just reached out, he’d be able to touch Felix. Maybe brush his arm, maybe dig his fingers into Felix’s chest, maybe grab a fistful of his shirt. They’d probably end up hitting the ground soon after, but Felix was really less than a foot away. It felt intoxicatingly like a cheap romance movie. 

“Dude, you’re staring!” Felix accused, upside down again, and grinning. 

“You’re like a clock,” Jack replied instantly. “The back and forth of a pendulum. It’s fun to watch.”  
Felix laughed, bringing himself upright and tucking his legs in to speed up his swing. Then, at the height of the arch, Felix launched himself out of the swing. His flew through the air, more graceful than Jack had ever seen him, and landed almost as gracefully as he’d flown, stumbling only a few steps, and whirling around on his heels to grin widely at Jack. “That was awesome!” Felix cried out, exhilarated. “I, I haven’t done that in ages! Holy shit!” He clapped his hands like he could do nothing else to show his excitement. “Jack, Jack, you gotta jump, come on. You gotta!”

“Fuck no!” Last time Jack had jumped from a swing set, he and Felix had been twelve and Jack had nearly fractured his wrist. “I’ll fuckin’ die!”

“Don’t be a little bitch!” Felix cackled. “Man up, Jack! Man the fuck up!”

Jack let out this weird, strangled scream he didn’t know he could make. “What if I hurt myself?!” Jack demanded, though he was kicking faster, building up momentum. 

“Nut up or shut up!” Felix shouted. “Jump, motherfucker, jump!”

Jack let out a long shout that was probably something like a battlecry before leaping off the swing right as he was at the highest point. He felt weightless for a split second. Then he fell back to the earth and landed on his knees hard. He tasted blood and his hands hurt from where they’d landed in the wood chips. 

“Oh shit, Jack, shit, you okay?”

Jack lifted his head and saw Felix with the gloomy darkness behind his head acting like some weird, lovely canvas. Felix himself looked lovely. Downright fucking gorgeous. His brow was knit together with worry and he had his hands on Jack’s shoulders.  
“Dude, are you okay? Say something before I call a fucking ambulance. You’re bleeding.”

Jack swiped his tongue around the inside of his mouth to survey the damage. “Just bit me cheek pretty bad,” he said, spitting blood into the wood chips. He hoped it looked as badass as he’d seen in the films. “Christ, Fe’, I told ye’ it was a bad idea for me to jump. I don’t have that Viking heritage like you, I can’t fuckin’ do the cool shit and survive by default just cause I’ve got nice hair and amazing cheekbones.”

“Cheekbones have nothing to do with it, Jackaboy,” Felix said, still concerned. He had his hands on Jack’s face now, like he was trying to feel out any damage. Then his hands were on Jack’s legs. God, Jack would jump off a fucking cliff next if it meant Felix would touch him all over like this. “Are you sure that’s all?” Felix asked, chewing on his lower lip. “Just your cheek?”

“Wanna check for yerself?” Jack asked, managing a smirk before opening his mouth and letting his tongue swipe his lower lip. Felix’s cheeks went scarlet and the hands weren’t touching Jack anymore. They were hanging uselessly at Felix’s sides before wringing in Felix’s shirt. “Kidding, Fe’,” Jack said. “Totally kidding. It really is just a cut or somethin’, I’ll be fine.”

“I totally feel bad,” Felix said.

“I was the one to jump,” Jack reminded him. “I gave in to peer pressure. Mummy said not to, yet here I am.”

Felix snorted. “Always listen to your mother, Jack.”

Jack smiled brightly up at Felix and held up his hands. “Help me?”

Felix pulled his hands from his shirt to take Jack’s hands and pull him up, out of the wood chips. “You’re still kinda bleeding,” Felix told him. “It’s coming out the side of your mouth. Looks like you got into a fight or something.”

“Does it look cool?” Jack asked with a grin. 

“Looks like something,” Felix said. “Please don’t tell your mom. Skipping school was bad enough— now that I’ve gotten you bloody? Friendship over.”

“Ye’ really are just waiting for me mum to tell ye’ to fuck off,” Jack sighed. “’S fine. Just gonna have to keep at it. Make ye’ believe me when she says she loves ye’. Ye’ know what she told me? When she found out I was gay?” 

Felix shook his head, his stance coiled tight like a string. But he was still facing Jack, still standing close enough to touch, and still holding Jack’s hands like he had forgotten he’d taken them in the first place. Jack smiled and squeezed Felix’s hands just enough to convey a comforting presence. 

“She told me that nothing could ever make her not love me,” Jack said. “I could murder a man and she’d still be by my side. She told me that me being gay meant nothing to her at all because it didn’t stop me from being her son. Being gay didn’t make me wrong or different. She said finding out I’m gay was just like how she’d slowly figured out which foods I didn’t like t’eat as a kid. It wasn’t anything but new and it didn’t change the fact that she loved me more than the world.”

“My mother said that I was a black spot in on my family’s name,” Felix replied. He looked down to where their hands joined. “… I wish it could’ve been different,” he confessed. “Maybe if I’d been able to tell her at the dinner table or something. Maybe if she hadn’t found out from the school. Maybe she would’ve taken it a little better.”

“My mum is yer mum as long as ye’ll have her,” Jack said, running his thumb soothingly over Felix’s knuckles. The added sensation seemed enough to finally break Felix’s apathy. Felix snatched his hands back, rubbing his palms on his jeans. “I mean it,” Jack promised. “She loves ye’. She’ll tell ye’ the same she told me.”

“It’s too late for that,” Felix told him. “It’s too late to fix stuff, Jack, I just… I gotta deal with whatever’s left over in me. But you can’t mend this shit. You can’t reverse it or heal up the wounds. I can’t help what scars these people left on me. I can’t change a thing.”

“But you can learn to take better care of yerself,” Jack said. “And ye’ can learn not to think you’re at fault for that insane woman’s undoing. Nor are you to blame for what your mother did. Or even what I did. Because what I did was fucked up and wrong and entirely my own choice, Felix. But if you remember correctly? I kissed ye’.” Jack’s smile became self-deprecating as he came to a personal realization. “All of this shit that’s happened to you and me, Fe’, all of this pain— it’s my fault. I started this. Not you.”

Felix shook his head. “Don’t blame yourself.”

“You first. If ye’ really think that it ain’t my fault, then it’s even more so not the fault of your own.”

Felix frowned but didn’t argue. “It’s just hard to find someone to blame, then. Cause I have to blame someone. Something. Who else is there? The principle? Michael’s parents? God himself? I can’t just waltz around and pretend that all of this evil shit happened because the world is a lawless place and nothing can be helped. I don’t really believe in a god, but… At a certain point, it seems like I gotta believe in the devil.”

“People are their own devils,” Jack told him. “I've learned that much. Whether or not this world is governed by a god means little. He wouldn’t interfere either way.”

“So who is to blame?” Felix asked. “I could go back to my ancestors or whatever. Blame Loki for this shit. Could blame the _Dökkálfar_ and _Ljósálfar._ Maybe the wights?” Felix smiled sardonically. “Funny. Old Norse doesn’t give much in the ways of scapegoats. The evil of the gods can be blamed on others, but human evil is human evil. We can’t put our shit on anyone but ourselves.”

“But then the good we do is our own as well,” Jack replied. “If our evil is our own, then so is our redemption. No god can choose the outcome of our struggles. If we triumph, rise above it all, we’ll know this comes from the good in hearts, and not the meddling of some deity.”

Felix paused. “… Never thought of it like that.”

“Course ye didn’t,” Jack said. “That’s why I thought of it for ye’.”

“Aren’t you just my saving grace?” Felix shook his head, kicking up wood chips. “I’m sure I’ll be okay someday,” Felix said after a moment. “What’s the fucking point if I’m not, you know? I’ll get there.”

“Not alone, Fe’. Not if ye’ don’t want to be.”

Felix smiled at him, reaching out to shove Jack playfully. “Sure you won’t run away again?” There was no malice in his voice, no intent to attack. Jack made himself laugh and wondered if the idea that he had left would hurt any less than it usually did. Because Felix was apparently halfway to over it. He’d never expected Felix to be the one of the two of them to forgive Jack so quickly. “It’s cool if you want to run, Jack,” Felix told him, breaking Jack from his thoughts. “Just take me with you this time, okay? I don’t mind leaving all of this for you. I just don’t like being left behind.”

“Ye’d love Ireland,” Jack said. “It’s gloomy, yeah, but it’s home. And it’s got good whiskey.”

“Vodka is better,” Felix countered. “We’d be alcoholics if we went to back to Europe, wouldn’t we?”

“Us Irish prefer the term ‘cultural.’” Jack smirked and shoved Felix back. “And we’d be awesome at it. Stumble home together after a night of drinking with friends, not a care in the world. Maybe split open a toe, maybe even fall down into a creek.”

“Us Swedes prefer to just get twice as chill as we normally are and drink a lot of coffee.” Felix looked to the playground. “… I honestly can’t remember the last time I wanted to have any sort of fun like this. Haven’t been on a swing in ages. Maybe that says some pretty messed up shit about me. Or maybe that says some messed up shit about you.”

“You’re seventeen, Fe’, you’re not supposed to act like an adult until twenty,” Jack told him. “Having fun in a kid’s play place isn’t anything to be ashamed of. We all need a moment’s rest then and again, even if it’s for our minds. Your soul needs a break every now and again, Felix. Nothin’ wrong with that.”

“Pretty sure every other person in the entire world would beg to differ.”

“Half the world talks of suicide like it’s a joke. The other half talks of it like they’re plans for dinner. The world’s a broken place as a whole, Felix. You and I have always known that, and we’ve always known not to listen.” Jack squeezed Felix’s shoulder. “We’re not listening. Not ever again.”

Felix bit his lip. “This, uh. This is gonna sound stupid, but… Could I ask you to promise?”

Jack held up his pinky. “I promise, Felix, t' never listen to the voices of the world again. All it’s ever brought me is pain and unhappiness. Ignoring them have brought my wonder and hope in the shape of a badass Swedish man. I pinky swear t’ never listen to those bastards again.”

Felix twisted their pinky fingers together with a snicker. “Haven’t done that since I was a kid either.”

“Long time coming, then,” Jack said. “And you know what they say about pinky swears. I may have broken some promises before, but I won’t break this one. I can’t. Or you can stab me in the eye or something in retaliation.”

“You really promise, right?” Felix asked, bypassing Jack’s horrible jokes. “You won’t… You won’t turn and run again. You really, really won’t?” 

Jack was astounded by how quickly he was being forgiven. He knew it was likely an account of Felix’s desperation to not feel without Jack. While Jack knew this was unhealthy, he also knew his best option was to just stay and keep this promise. Eventually, Felix would be healthy and whole again. It would just take a little bit of time. 

Jack took Felix by both shoulders, looking straight into his icy blue eyes. Felix seemed to freeze up at the touch, like both points of contact at once were too much to handle from Jack. The look in Felixs’ eyes said he wanted break the gaze, but he probably knew Jack wouldn’t let him. 

“Felix Arvid Ulf Kjellberg,” Jack said, butchering the pronunciation without remorse. “I swear to you, on me life, that I’m gonna be with ye’, by yer side, till ye’ hate me and wish I would leave.”

“I’d never want you to go,” Felix argued.

“Then I’ll never leave,” Jack replied. “You and me. To the end. Like we’ve always said.”

“We have never said that,” Felix reminded him. 

“Then let’s give it a go.” Jack grinned and squeezed Felix’s shoulders. “To the end, Fe’?”

“Sure, sure.”

“No, ye’ have to say it back!”

Felix hesitated. “… To the end.”

Jack grinned. “Let’s get ye’ home, yeah? Ye’ need to eat a real meal.”

. . .

For the next two weeks, Jack met Felix outside Felix’s home in the mornings, and rode with him to school. They’d get coffee some mornings, they’d get Michael most mornings, they’d sing along to the radio and then go their separate ways in school and met up at the end of it. Felix still didn’t make it to a LAN part, but Mark and the others took it easy on him. 

Michael was beginning to look worse for wear.

As Jack really got to know the boy, he started to understand what Michael looked like on a bad day versus any other kind of day. There would be an underlying tremor to Michael’s skin, larger bags under his eyes, and he’d be less willing to smoke. He’d make himself smaller by hunching his posture and he’d lose himself in his thoughts, like his own mind was the only safe place for him. Felix would be harder to cheer up on those days— he’d smile less. 

Jack had only just begun to understand the complex relationship between Felix and Michael, the twisted world of guilt and fear that tied them together. Jack wasn’t sure if they were friends any longer because they enjoyed each other’s company. It started to seem like Felix felt like he couldn’t leave Michael if he even wanted to, and Michael couldn’t care much for anything. And Jack couldn’t find that to be cruel if it were true. There was obviously something in Michaels’ brain that had snapped lose. He couldn’t do certain things anymore, couldn’t think in certain ways. It was hardly his fault. Jack was sure Felix understood that as well. 

Still, Jack wished he could almost limit the effect Michael had on Felix. With Michael’s bad days came Felix’s worse days, days were Felix would be stressed out of his mind and attentive to Michael’s every thought. Those were the days Felix thought of himself even less.

Jack had never really gotten around to talking to Felix about how little he ate. One bombshell a month seemed like the most the Swede could take, and while Jack knew it needed to be said, he also knew he couldn’t be one of the things that only aggravated Felix’s stress. There was a fine balance to what Jack had to do, and he was happy to manage it. The bad days Felix experienced were something Jack saw as an opportunity.

On those days, Jack would be just as attentive to Felix as Felix was to Michael. He’d touch him a little more, just small gestures that seemed to ground Felix’s growingly frantic thoughts. He’d bring Felix food that Felix would barely eat, but Jack knew that the intentions were understood. Jack would raise his voice, distract Felix as well as he could with whatever bullshit he made up. And he’d stick to Felix’s side just a little closer than normal. All of it was painfully obvious. All of it worked to help Felix get through those worser days. 

Luckily, it wasn’t one of those days. Michael stayed home, and while Felix had seemed a little miffed by that (because Michael hadn’t come to school the past two days), he’d put on a strong face and they’d gotten coffee.

The barista’s name was Lilly. She went to the University of Georgia here in town and was an computer analytics major. She enjoyed soccer and had a extensive collection of contouring kits and quarters. She was going to dye her hair bright green the next time she went to get it done because she loved Jack’s hair so much that she felt inspired. They often made jokes together about her crush on Felix while Felix would go into the bathroom to wash up, and Jack had started going to this little coffee joint even on his own. 

“I’m gonna ask him out on the 15th,” Lilly said as she mixed Jack’s drink. “Halfway through the month.”

“Fuck you, I’m gonna ask him out on the 13th,” Jack replied. He definitely wasn’t going to do that. “It’s Friday the 13th in October, it’s spooky as hell. He loves spooky shit.”

“I’m gonna ask him out using my brownies,” Lilly told him. She wasn’t actually going to ask him out. She just thought Jack’s crush was adorable and loved messing with him. “I make the best damn brownies this side of the supernova.”

“Sun hasn’t gone supernova yet,” Jack reminded her.

“Too bad,” she said. “Then I wouldn’t have to turn in my paper.”

“Morbid girl, aren’t ye?” Jack accused as Felix came out of the bathroom with damp hair. He looked to where Jack was leaning over the counter to banter with Lilly. Something fell flat in Felix’s eyes, but he still smiled. “Hey, Fe’,” Jack greeted, wanting to get that light back into Felix’s eyes. “Ye’ want me t’ask her to spit in yer coffee? Just for turmoil’s sake.”

“Why the hell would I want that?” Felix asked with a growing grin. “I like my coffee spit-free, thanks.” He took his drink from the counter. “Ready to go?”

Jack nodded and waved goodbye to Lilly as she handed Jack his mocha. “You’re the best, Lils,” Jack told her with a wink. She smirked and cast her glance to Felix quickly before giving him a thumbs up.

“Friday the 13th,” she said. “I’m holding you to it.”

“Hope ye’ don’t,” Jack snickered.

As they drove to school, Felix was quiet until the end. “I thought you weren’t into girls,” he said as he parked.

Jack frowned. “What?”

“You and Lilly would be cute.” Felix stared at the steering wheel.

“Lilly and I barely know each other,” Jack said. “And I’m not into girls.”

Felix grimaced. “Is it weird that I’m happy you’re not?”

“Happy that I’m not into girls or happy that I’m not into Lilly?”

“Both, I guess,” Felix replied.

“Why does that make ye’ happy?”

Felix school his head. “Don’t know.” He wouldn’t meet Jack’s eyes. It was a lie. Jack would let it go, because again, one bombshell of a conversation a month. “Mark’s gonna try to scare you in a second.”

Jack turned to look out the passenger window just in time to catch Mark moments before he banged on the window. Jack made a face, not at all startled thanks to Felix. Mark looked extremely disappointed as Jack rolled down the window. 

“You two done making out or are we gonna miss rehearsals, Felix?” Mark asked. 

“We weren’t makin’ out,” Jack said with a roll of his eyes. “What rehearsal?”

“Jazz band plays for the nursing home in a week,” Mark explained. “And Felix is actually supposed to be there this time, so he has to go to rehearsal.” Mark pat the frame of the car. “Let’s get a move on, kids! We’ve got the elderly to entertain!”

“I’ll see you after school, Jack,” Felix said. “Yeah?”

Jack turned to smile reassuringly at Felix. He reached out to rest a hand on Felix’s knee. “Like always, Fe’.”

Felix glanced down to the touch, then smiled too.

. . .

Jack waited outside the school for thirty minutes before it finally occurred to him that something could be wrong. Especially as the lot cleared out, and he realized Felix’s truck was gone. He checked his phone a thousand times over and looked up to see Mark’s car was still here. He starts a group chat. Amy, Ethan, Tyler, and Kathryn all told him they hadn’t heard from Mark. 

Mark’s contact photo filled the screen and Jack hit answer, on edge. The fact that Mark hadn’t responded for all of his friends to see did not bode well. 

_“Jack,”_ Mark began, his voice far too gentle, like he was about to tell Jack something terrible and he knew it. _“I’ve been looking for you all over.”_

“By the front of the school,” Jack told him. “What the fuck is happening? Ye’ve been with Felix all day, where is he?” Maybe it was weird for Jack to be so strung out over this, but Felix had never been the kind of person to miss a date and never even shoot a text. 

_“Jack, something happened.”_

Jack’s grip on the phone tensed. “I can understand that,” he said. “What I need to know is _what_ happened.”

 _“This needs to be said in person,”_ Mark told him patiently. _“Just stay where you are, I’ll be there in a second.”_

“Is Felix hurt?” Jack asked. “Is it his dad?”

 _“Jack, please just wait there, I’ll be there at any moment, I can literally see you—”_ and Jack could see Mark approaching him from inner campus, he knew Mark was going to be here any minute, Mark was waving his hand in the air like a psycho too. _“—And I need you to just be fucking patient, okay? This needs to be said to your face.”_

Jack hung up with petulant anger. Mark started to run, reaching Jack quickly. Jack glared at him, arms crossed over his chest. Mark didn’t look any more amused. In fact, he looked a little ill.

“I had to get the counselor off Felix’s case,” Mark explained, a little breathless. “She was trying to call his dad, trying to reach so many people who I’m pretty sure Felix doesn’t associate with anymore.”

“The fuck is happening, Mark,” Jack demanded. “Where is he?”

Mark shook his head. “Jack… It, it’s Michael. Felix got a message in the middle of rehearsal and literally ran out the door. I ran after him, found out that… That, that Michael tried to kill himself this morning. A couple hours ago. He took some pills, that’s what Felix said. I, I had to help him get off campus, and I’ve spent the rest of the day with the, the fucking nurse and the counselor and the principle and it’s… It’s a mess, Jack. Felix is a mess.”

Jack needed to think for only a moment. “I’m going to see Felix,” he told Mark. “Ye’ can do what you want.” As he turned to leave, Mark took him by the upper arm.

“Jack,” Mark began with the firmness of a parent. “I know you think he needs you. I know you think you have to be there for him right now, and I know you probably also just want to be there to make sure he’s okay in your own way, too, but you have to believe me when I say that I do not think you should be around right now.”

“The fuck are ye’ talkin’ about?” Jack spat, irrationally angry. 

“I heard a little of what happened,” Mark said. “I heard Brad on the phone. Jack, I-I don’t want you to feel like there’s any sort of blame placed on you but—”

“Michael blames me?” Jack asked, disbelieving.

“No, no, Michael didn’t say anything, it was just Brad. Brad said something about you, Felix got defensive on the phone, and I don’t think Michael blames you, but Brad most definitely does. Felix is under a lot of stress right now, you have to understand that. If you show up, Brad will try to kick you out, and then that’ll just make all of this so much harder for Felix right now. So I know you want to be with him, but I know you shouldn’t.”

“I can’t let him go through this alone.”

“He won’t be alone,” Mark told him. “He has other people, he just…” Mark sighed. “Just come over to my place. Don’t make him have to worry about a fight among his friends on top of everything. Michael probably doesn’t trust you like he does the others, you being there might just make things worse.”

Jack knew Mark was right. “Feels wrong,” he mumbled.

“Just stay with me,” Mark pleaded. “Just, just stay.”

Jack steeled his jaw. “I’m seeing him tomorrow.”

“We’ll talk about that later,” Mark said. “Just come home with me.”

Jack followed Mark to the car and knew that even though Mark was right, not going to Felix was absolutely wrong.


	14. Chapter 14

“You still shouldn’t go,” Mark told Jack the next morning. Jack had texted his parents and they’d called him out of school. Mark’s mom was being lovely and letting Mark stay home too, saying something about how kids were under too much stress these days. Jack was sitting at Mark’s dining room table, eating the scrambled eggs Mrs. Fischbach had made them before she’d left for work. 

“I know you think you need to see Felix,” Mark continued. “I completely understand. If this were Amy, I’d barely be able to keep myself away from her, but Amy isn’t Felix and Amy isn’t really anything like Felix, either. She would never be in this situation so I actually can’t say what I think I would do if she were in the same scenario, but what I can tell you is that you should let Felix be.”

“Yeah, that sounds like a stupid idea,” Jack said as he ate. 

“Sure, sure, maybe it is, except it isn’t.” Mark was talking to Jack like he thought he was the stupid thing. It was starting to piss Jack off, even though he knew Mark probably didn’t intend to upset Jack with his tone. Mark was just really good at pissing people off on accident sometimes. “You’ve told me all about how Felix just bypasses everything to take care of Michael. That means I can promise to you that he will be busy with taking care of Michael and won’t handle any sort of distraction well.”

“He needs someone to make sure he’s gonna eat,” Jack reminded Mark. “He’s not gonna sleep or anything either. He’s probably gonna hate himself, too, he’s gonna blame himself for whatever fucked up reason Michael had, and then he’ll take care of himself even less. And how do you get less than fuckin’ zero, Mark?”

“You will only aggravate the situation,” Mark insisted. “Brad sounds like he hates you. Michael won’t handle any outsiders well. Felix is going to be a mess on his own. You don’t want to make things worse.” Mark kicked Jack under the table for his attention. “Jack. You can’t do this. You just have to know that it’s a bad idea. Please listen to me. Felix needs to focus on something else right now. He isn’t necessarily right to do so, but it’s who he is these days. Just let him do what he needs to do and be there when he needs you.”

Jack scowled at his food. “And if he runs himself into the ground?”

“Then you be there to pick him back up,” Mark replied. “Point is, you need to wait until he reaches out to you or until he’s unable to ask for anything. You’ve shown up for him every day before school, he knows he can rely on you to be there, Jack, I really don’t think that’s a question anymore. Now it’s up to you to know when he needs you to take a step back and let him do what he needs to do.”

“Mark, ye’ don't under—”

“No, no, Jack, _you_ don’t understand,” Mark interrupted. “Felix is an adult, regardless of his age. People can literally see it in his eyes. It’s why kids at school don’t normally talk to him and it's why most teachers don’t like to actually criticize him. He’s been through shit and he’s been through a lot of it alone. Now that he has you, now that he has someone that he’s learning to rely on, you need to allow him to reach out and utilize you. The ultimate display of reliability won’t come from being a constant dog at his door, but by coming when you call him.”

Jack grimaced, really not enjoying the analogy, though the explanation was finally beginning to make a little sense. “… I’ll give it two more days,” he said. “That’s it. I’m sorry, but I’ve only just started working on him, and he’ll stop eating again. I haven’t even gotten t’ talk to him about that.”

“You think he has a legitimate eating disorder?”

“When the fuck have ye’ ever seen him eat anything more than a few fuckin’ crackers and some random ass snack?” Jack asked. “He barely ate any of that pizza during the movie. I don’t think he has a twisted self image, I think he just..” Jack shrugged. “He forgets. Or he doesn’t care. Or he doesn’t think it’s important compared t’others.” Jack shrugged again. “I don’t know the why, but I know he doesn’t. And I've been doin’ my best to correct this bad habit, but I’m worried that he’ll just fall back into it and starve himself to do.”

“You don’t think Brad will be looking out for him?” Mark asked.

“They’re both gonna be dealing with Michael,” Jack reminded him. “And Emma… I love me cousin, but I don’t think she actually knows Felix that well. Brad won’t be able t’ help, Em can’t help, Michael _definitely_ can’t help. He’s gonna run himself ragged.”

“He’ll be fine,” Mark said confidently. “How much damage can he do to himself in the course of a few days?” Jack grimaced, not wanting to think about it . “You are gonna listen to me, right?” Mark asked, smiling a little. “You know I’m right. Felix needs you to be there when he needs you. He’s going through a lot right now. Just being available means enough during this.”

“How could Michael do this to him?” Jack asked. “He knows how much Felix cares. He knows how dependent Felix is on him, how dependent Felix is on Michael’s wellbeing. He’s not dumb. Michael knows what he does to him. How could he do this?”

Mark hesitated. “… Jack, I’m not sure that’s a good way to be looking at this.”

“It was a cruel thing to do,” Jack continued anyways. “Selfish.”

“Jesus, Jack, this…” Mark pulled at his hair. “Suicide isn’t a cut and dry thing, I’m sure you know that. You’re just upset. It’s okay to be upset, just don’t say any of this around Michael or Felix or, uh, anyone, really. You can’t say this stuff about suicide in front of just anyone.”

“It’s a selfish thing to do, and I stand by it,” Jack insisted. “When someone would give up basically any possible fucking future just to take care of ye’ cause they love ye’ that fucking much, throwing it all away is the sickest, cruelest joke of a decision you could ever make.”

Mark pressed his fingers into his face, staring at Jack across the table. “… Seán, the kid was raped for, like, days by his neighbor.”

Jack grumbled. Mark was right again. “Just mad,” he said. “Or something. Not really sure what I’m feeling, so mad is the easiest.”

“Keep a good reign on that,” Mark advised. “I almost kicked you again. Harder, though. Hard enough to break your damn shin.” Mark smiled a bit. “Again, Jack. Suicide isn’t cut and dry. Michael’s probably feeling a lot worse off than you are. So how about we take it easy on everyone?”

Jack shook his head, but didn’t continue his protests. “Still mad.”

“Then break something,” Mark said. “Or yell at someone. You could yell at me. Though I must warn you, I may break down into emotional, vulnerable tears. I’m a bit of a wuss and any yelling that doesn’t come from me scares me like thunder to a chihuahua.”

“I’m not gonna yell at ye’, Mark,” Jack said with a roll of his eyes. “But hey, maybe I will break something.”

“Wanna play baseball with some cheap dinnerware?” Mark asked.

Jack was only barely thrown for a loop. “Pretty sure I did that in a video game, once.”

“Then let’s prove that violent video games really do make violent teens.” Mark got out of his chair and bounded to the cupboards, digging way into the back and pulling out some shitty plates. “There’s a golf club in the garage, because now that I think about it, I’m sure that my baseball bat is gone.”

“A golf club?” Jack snorted a laugh. “That won’t break shit.”

“It’s a seventeen-degree iron driver, you fuck head, I could kill you with it. Golf is a great sport.”

“The whole point of golf is to play the least amount of golf,” Jack told him. “There’s not much point. Plus, there’s a shit ton of more important things to do instead of golf that takes up half the time and a third of the cash.”

“What, like breaking dishes?” Mark snickered. “Get your priorities straight, Jack.”

“I’m gonna break your face,” Jack said. “Gimme the driver.”

“It’s in the garage!”

Mark set up a bunch of trash bags along the ground out in his backyard while Jack helped bring out the plates. “Okay, you’re gonna just stand there,” Mark ordered, putting Jack in the center of the trash bags. “And I’m gonna try really hard not to kill you.”

“Fuckin’ knock me out, baby,” Jack snickered, swinging the golf club like a bat.

“I want you to shout out every single thing you’re angry about with each plate you break!” Mark ordered. “Just let it have it!” He threw the first plate. Jack swung hard, and the driver head completely missed the plate. The thing clattered onto the ground, mostly unscathed. 

“Wow, Jack, you must really be a pacifist even in your anger,” Mark snorted.

Jack let out a war cry and smashed the fallen plate with the club. “ _Fuck your mum!_ ” he shouted, deciding he’d play Mark’s game. “Yer mum’s a fuckin’ cunt! God, I can’t fuckin’ believe…” Wait, this wasn’t just a game. This actually felt really good. As Jack smashed the plate, he pictured Felix’s mother, the once beautiful woman who had abandoned her song. Jack felt nauseous thinking about how she’d been able to turn on Felix like that. It wasn’t natural and made him furious. He broke the plate into the tiniest shards. Yeah, this really did help.

“What are you talking about?” Mark asked, watching as Jack beat the plate. “Dude, like… Wait, is this therapy?”

“Throw me another,” Jack demanded. When Mark hesitated, Jack scowled. “Another!”

Mark threw a plate and Jack hit it this time, smashing it into pieces in midair, sending porcelain flying. “Fuck that bitch that slapped you! Fuck her in the fucking eye sockets, how dare she fuckin’ lay a hand on you?!” He wanted that teacher to suffer through more than just losing her livelihood. Laying a hand on a child was bad enough— laying a hand on Felix was more of a fucking sin than what she’d accused them of. 

“Jesus christ,” Mark said, readying a third plate. “Uh, okay, get… get ready.” He threw a third plate and Jack smashed it with all of his strength, just kinda screaming at this point. 

“Fuck this fucking place!” he shouted. “Fuck what this place has done to ye’!” He strode forward, pushing past Mark and grabbing a plate of his own. He threw it into the air and hit it as hard as he could, just barely shielding his eyes from the glass. Breaking the plates was a juvenile sort of therapeutic breakthrough, but it was working better than most other things he’d ever tried. 

“Jack, oh my god, stop it!” Mark cried out. 

“I’ll fuckin’ burn this place to the fuckin’ ground!” Jack shouted as he broke another, then another plate. “I’ll tear everything to the fuckin’ dirt, I’ll bring it all down!” He smashed the heel of his shoe into a plate, watching it breaking into slices with a satisfied grin. “They can’t fuckin’ take anything else from ye’— I’ll end ‘em all before they fuckin’ try!”

“Jack, Jack, stop!” Mark cried out, waving his hands in the air wildly. “They’re plates, they’re plates, I was making a joke about the therapy thing!”

“What the fuck is wrong with this place?!” Jack demanded, rounding on his toes to face Mark. He dropped the club, but the fury was still on his face. “What the fuck is wrong with the world?! And what the fuck is this place’s fucking problem with Felix?! He’s one fucking person! And yet he takes all this baggage on like he’s ten men! It’s insane, Mark, he’s fucking insane and this place, this fucking place, it doesn’t help!”

“Jack, it, it’s just a place,” Mark said, holding his hands up in between their bodies.

“It’s more than just a fucking place, it’s a death sentence,” Jack spat. “Michael swallowed pills, Felix starves himself, and I ran like a fucking coward. This place will be the end of those that I love.”

Mark shook his head. “Jack, this place isn’t the end. This is just a place.” He repeated with a shaky smile. “You’re angry. I get it. Sometimes it's hard to see anywhere as good when you’ve only ever felt the bad. Maybe you hate this place. Sometimes, I think I could too. But this is the same place my mother and I escaped to after my father died. And it means so much that my mother could come here and not feel like the world was closing up around her because she was alone. A bad place for one person can be a good place for another, and that’s what makes it neither. It’s all relative, Jack. This place can’t destroy you just like it can’t heal me.”

“This place has brought nothin’ but sufferin’ to Felix,” Jack insisted.

“ _People_ have brought nothing but suffering to Felix,” Mark specified. “The teacher? All her, as you’ve told me you told him. The man that hurt Michael, Michael himself, Felix’s mother, the kids at school— all people. I can tell you, if these same people were with Felix somewhere else, some other city, it’d be the same story. It’d be the same suffering because it would be the same people.”

Jack swallowed hard and tore his eyes from Mark’s. “I don’t… I don’t want to believe that.”

Mark frowned. “Why’s that?”

“Because leaving the place helped me,” Jack explained. “So if I take him away, it’ll help him. But if it’s really just the people… People never leave ye’, Mark. Ye’ll never forget yer father. I’ll never forget Robin. You can leave a town, but never a person.”

“Well, at least I know you’ll never forget me.” Mark smiled sadly. “If it helps, Felix probably would be better off leaving regardless of what I’ve said. Even if it’s not how things actually working, moving away is the easiest way to trick the brain into think it’s safe to heal.”

“If I take Felix away, I’ll take ye’ with,” Jack said. Mark had already done so much for him, said more than Jack could have asked for. “Wouldn’t know what to do without ye’. You’re like the Oracle to my Neo.”

Mark sniffled and wiped away a fake tear. “That has to be the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

“Shut up, Oracle. Don’t ye’ die in, like, the second movie?”

Mark’s eyes went wide with horror and he slowly shook his head. “Not like this,” he whispered, voice low and reverent, like he was begging for someone to save him from something he couldn’t escape. “Not like this.”

Jack rolled his eyes and pushed at Mark’s shoulder. “Got it, Tom Cruise.”

“Excuse you, heathen, but Switch was played by the lovely Belinda McClory. So fuck you for calling her Tom Cruise. She was an angel.”

Jack frowned. “Do ye’ really like the Matrix that much?”

Mark grinned. “You really have no idea what it means to me to be called the Oracle.”

“Oh my god, you’re a fucking nerd.”

“Proud of it,” Mark replied. “We’ve got three plates left. I really did not know you were that fucking angry about so many things, Jack, you should really look into some sort of therapy for all of that. I mean, you already had therapy, but maybe double therapy? For new issues. After all, that is a shit ton of anger I’m not entirely sure you had when you first came back.”

“I was angry,” Jack said. “When I first saw me old home, I was nothing but empty. Avoidant. Which really is anger at its most fine, ye’ know? So fucking angry that I wasn’t anything at all.” Jack lifted up a plate and handed Mark the club. He felt like Mark deserved a turn to take out a little aggression. “Kinda like how I know that Felix is sad. He’s so sad he doesn’t feel anything, like me with the anger. Takes one t’ know one.”

“Poetic,” Mark said. “Fengshui. Yin and Yang. Other opposites-working-well-together words.”

“Just fucking break shit,” Jack said, throwing the plate over his shoulder. Mark smashed the thing with a expert swing. Jack was slightly impressed. “Wait, so is that yer club?” he asked, gesturing to the driver. Mark shook his head.

“My dad’s,” he replied. “He taught me a little, just got me good enough to where he didn’t hate me every time he took me out. Taught me well enough to make a gold 5-iron one of my favorite melee weapons in the possible zombie apocalypse.”

“Smart,” Jack said. “Not like ye’ don’t have shovels and shite.”

“I’m gonna golf the fuck out of you,” Mark deadpanned. “And you know what? For that? Amy’s coming over after school. You’re gonna have to deal with her and me being cute and adorable for the rest of the night, making out and whispering sweet nothings.”

Jack looked down at the mess. “We should probably clean this up first, then, otherwise she’ll have ye’ institutionalized.”

“Not me, just you.” Mark smiled at him. “So. I’d be stupid to think your problems are fixed, but, do you feel just a little bit better?”

“Yer mum will kill me for breakin’ this shit,” Jack said. 

“Nah, she was gonna donate these.” Mark opened up his arms. “C’mon. We made a real breakthrough, or at least approached it. Gimme a hug, man.”

Jack raised a brow at him. “Really?” he asked, but Mark didn’t lower his arms. He kept gesturing for Jack to come closer, so Jack finally just gave in with a roll of his eyes. While Jack tried to keep the hug light, maybe just a small tap on the back, Mark enveloped him in his big bear arms and squeezed Jack tightly enough to punch the air from his gut. 

“You’re a big, strong boy,” Mark whispered dramatically in Jack’s ear, faking tears, probably more than half joking. _“I'm so proud of you, son.”_

“Oh my god, let me go,” Jack groaned. Mark released Jack with a lap, clapping him on the shoulder. “I’m glad I met you, Mark,” Jack said as an afterthought. “You’ve got a good head on yer shoulders. Great advice and shit.” He shrugged. “Maybe I’m not always one for hugs, but I have a feelin’ I’d be at least ten steps behind where I am now.”

“You’d probably still be hiding from Felix in the hallways,” Mark agreed. “Hilarious stuff, by the way. I’m not sure how dumb you thought I was back then, but it was so fucking obvious the whole time. Cute as all fucking hell, too. I have some sort of weakness for denial of love leading to an amazing relationship. It’s like my kink or something. The eventual climax of romance.”

Jack scrunched his nose. “We talkin’ sex?”

Mark waggled his brow in a ridiculous manner. “Maybe.”

“Mark, are ye’ kidding me? Felix is nowhere near cool enough with me to even think about sex.”

“If it helps, I wasn’t necessarily talking about you and Felix.”

Jack made an even more exaggerated face. “Dude, if ye’ want some alone time with Amy, just let me know. I swear I won’t go to Felix, I’ll just head back to my place and spend the night dicking away or somethin’.”

Mark waved him off. “Sorry, but I don’t trust you to stay away from your bae. Just enjoy the night with me and Amy. She wants to help you out with Felix, after all. Maybe she can help keep your mind off of the heavier stuff.”

Jack paused. “… I really am grateful t’ know ye’, Mark.”

Mark smiled at him. “Happy to know you too.”

. . .

Jack didn’t hear from Felix for those two days, not until Friday night.

For the entire week, Jack went to school and stared at the empty spot where Felix was supposed to be beside him at the lunch table. He would eye Felix’s house in the morning. The truck would still be absent, and the lights would always be off. Felix hadn’t been home since he’d left the school for Michael and Jack wasn’t sure what that meant.

It was hard to deny himself the relief of simply texting Felix, so he sent one message, and only one. It had even approved by Mark. 

_if you need me pls dont hesitate to give me a ring_

That was it, short and simple. Felix didn’t respond, but the message had been read. Jack didn’t take offense to the lack of a response because he knew that Felix really did have to be horribly overwhelmed. Had to be drowning in it all. He didn’t begrudge Felix for needing to just pull himself away from it all and focus on one thing at a time. 

The week had been hard, though. He’d become so used to seeing Felix every day in such a short amount of time. He remembered accusing Felix of being dependent on Jack, but not it was starting to seem more like a codependency thing. Felix couldn’t be without Jack, and now, Jack couldn’t be without Felix. It was almost like a poetic justice. Jack was finally getting a truly effective form of punishment for how he’d tried to isolate Felix from himself when he’d first come home. 

Jack had fought hard to keep Felix from himself back then. Now Felix was keeping himself from Jack. While the intentions weren’t identical, the effect was the same. Jack didn’t want to think that Felix had felt how Jack felt now. Alone and unhappy, yearning for the only other person that really made you feel at peace with the hectic world. Mark helped, Ethan helped, Jack’s friends helped, but nothing was the same as Felix. 

Jack was sure his friends understood. Mark had Amy, who helped him cope with his own thoughts in ways that Jack didn’t understand. And while Jack didn’t know Amy’s personal life all that well, he was sure Mark had helped her face more than a few demons of her own. Tyler and Ethan were fucking soulmates regardless of what they fucking said or did. Em had Brad. His parents had one another Everyone who had someone understood why Jack needed Felix at his side as soon as physically possible, and none of them judged him for being slightly absent whenever they were around because they knew they weren’t Felix, and it was as simple as that. 

This time apart from Felix helped Jack realize that it wasn’t actually codependency— it was love. It was stupid, cheesy, destructive, and all-consuming, but it was love. Jack wasn’t sure there was much of a difference between codependency and love, but he was also sure that he and Felix would be fine. Even if they never did delve into the final step of a true relationship, they would be friends till the day they died. And preferably, they would meet that end together, if that wasn’t dark enough.

Friday night was when Jack heard from Felix again.

He was lying in bed, freshly showered and just starting to drift off. It was late at night, nearly the next AM. His sheets had just been cleaned and everything was so warm while the world outside was bitterly cold. Jack was half asleep, ready to drift into the blissful nothingness and escape the small threads of stress that burdened him in wakefulness. 

His phone buzzed. 

Jack groaned and rolled over to look at his screen, expecting some screenshot from Tyler or a meme from Ethan. 

When he saw Felix’s name, Jack shot awake, more alert than he was most days by lunch. He unlocked his phone, squinting against the harsh light of the screen, his heart going a mile a minute as he read Felix’s message.

_can u come over_

A quick glance to Felix’s house showed the truck was actually parked out front, though it hadn’t been there a few hours ago. Jack had never snuck into Felix’s room before. There wasn’t much to climb, save the awning of the back porch, and from there, you had to swing from window sill to window sill, a dangerous climb that was more befitting of Altaïr Ibn-La’Ahad than Seán shitting McLoughlin. Felix had tried to sneak back into his own house that way once and had nearly shattered his pelvis from the fall. Jack had never even tried.

None of this explained how Jack ended up hanging from the edge of Felix’s window at nearly one in the morning, cursing under his breath. His fingertips were already red from the cold and his breath was fogging up his glasses. Jack lifted himself up with the upper arm strength he didn’t have and knocked desperately on Felix’s window. 

The window opened. “Jesus, Jack, you could’ve come in through the front door, what the fuck,” Felix hissed, reaching down to grab a fistful of the back of Jack’s shirt to pull him into the room. Jack tumbled gracelessly onto the floor, sprawled out and shivering. He looked up at Felix with relief, though, unable to stop himself from smiling. 

“God, I’ve missed ye’,” he said, because he wanted that to be the first thing Felix heard from him after all these days. It seemed like the right thing to say, because something in Felix’s expression softened. 

“You didn’t even change,” Felix grumbled. Jack was still wearing the t-shirt and thin boxers he’d worn to bed. He really was cold. Felix took Jack by the wrist and pulled him into the bed, wrapping Jack up tightly in the duvet. “You’re freezing,” Felix said. “It’s almost winter, Jack, you can’t just go running around in nothing in the middle of the night.”

“Kinda stopped thinking after I saw yer text,” Jack said sheepishly. “Hence, why I tried to climb yer house.”

“That was fucking stupid,” Felix said. He was standing at the foot of the bed, arms crossed over his chest, staring at nothing. Jack just looked at him for a minute, taking in the damage.

Somehow, Felix had gotten thinner. Jack was sure he could snap one of Felix’s delicate wrists with one hand. He could cut his hand on the sharpness of Felix’s cheekbone. He would never find enough makeup to cover the bags under Felix’s eyes. He could see Felix’s hips through the material of Felix’s shirt. Jack was sure he’d be able to count Felix’s ribs. It was crazy what a few days could do when you were already fucked. 

“How ye’ been, Fe’?” he asked gently, watching Felix’s face carefully. 

Felix shook his head and sunk into the desk chair that was across the room. “I’m guessing you’ve heard what happened,” he said, voice scraping the edge of despair. “With Michael.”

Jack nodded. “Heard he tried to end it.” Maybe a harsh way to say it, but he had a feeling Felix didn’t him to beat around the bush. “Mark told me ye’ left in the middle of class t’ get t’ him. Then he convinced me not to bother ye’ cause he figured Brad would try to kill me and we didn’t want to make things any worse for you.”

“That was smart of you,” Felix said. His voice was strangled.

Jack nodded. “… Everything okay now?”

Felix didn’t respond. He sat there with his head in his hands. Jack squinted in the dark and saw his shoulders were shaking. Then Jack heard a sniffle, and holy shit, Felix was crying. 

Jack was off the bed and across the room in moments, taking Felix into his arms and pulling him back to the bed, throwing the covers over him. He burrowed under the duvet and found Felix through touch, wrapping his arms around the other man and holding him as close as possible. Felix didn’t fight it, he didn’t pull away. He sunk into Jack’s body and started to shake, crying loudly. It wasn’t like there was anyone else that could overhear him, after all. 

“It’s okay,” Jack whispered, his arms wrapped entirely around Felix. Like this, he could feel how horribly thin the other boy was. He could count Felix’s ribs, he knew that for a fact now. He could feel them against his own body, he could feel every single tremulous breath that left the other boy and it shook him. “Felix, it’s okay,” he repeated, rubbing his palm up and down Felix’s spine. Felix sobbed hard enough to jostle the bed, so Jack pulled him even closer, squeezing him tight enough to almost hurt. 

“I’m here, I’m here,” he whispered. “I will always be here. All of that other shit, Felix, all of it doesn’t matter. You’re safe here. You’re safe.” He twisted their legs together and pressed his lips to Felix’s forehead because he remembered doing the same when they were little. “Just let it out,” he soothed. “Let it all out.”

Jack didn’t remember falling asleep, but he knew Felix didn’t stop crying even in his dreams.

. . .

He woke up with every inch of his body pressed against Felix’s.

The other boy was sleeping peacefully for what had to be the first time in days. His lips were parted, and looked a lovely, wet shade of pink that was the definition of temptation to Jack. His entire body was relaxed against Jack’s, and he was warm, so very warm. The tips of Jack’s ears were frigid, but the rest of his body was the perfect temperature of Felix Kjellberg. 

Jack felt like he should be aroused by this, but he couldn’t be. Even as he trailed his fingertips down Felix’s side, he could still feel the sharpness of Felix’s ribs and hips and be reminded of how horribly fucked everything was. He needed to get Felix to eat and he needed to have that conversation with him now. 

Still, that wouldn’t keep Jack from just enjoying this either. He lied an arm over Felix’s waist and pulled him in resting his head on the pillow so their noses were just this close to touch. Jack couldn’t keep a smile from his face as Felix nuzzled closer, like that video of the mother cat with her kitten. Jack couldn’t wait for the day where he could lie like this with Felix and wake him up with a kiss. 

A soft sigh left Felix’s lips and his lashes fluttered open as he woke. He looked like a god damn Disney princess waking up like that, and Jack felt his breath catch, unable to look away and stop staring. Felix frowned sleepily. Jack felt Felix stretch out his legs. Something like happiness curled in Jack’s gut and he loved it.

“Time is it?” Felix slurred, his voice hoarse from the night before. 

“Dunno,” Jack replied. “‘S cold, though. Should stay in bed.”

Felix shook his head and started to get up. “Michael—”

“Let me stop ye’ right there,” Jack interrupted, taking Felix by the neck and forcing him back down onto the bed. For a second, something flashed in Felix’s eyes, something like fear, but it quickly soothed away when Jack moved his hand from Felix’s neck to his shoulder. “Ye’ve been there for days, Fe’,” Jack said. “And I know ye haven’t eaten or slept or taken care of yourself at all. I understand ye’ need to get back to Michael. All I’m asking for is a few hours to get yer body back in one piece. Then ye’ can go.”

Felix watched Jack warily. “What’re you gonna do?”

“Just make ye’ breakfast, get ye’ in some clean clothes, and have you sleep the rest of the morning,” Jack responded. “I just need free range of yer kitchen and your trust that I won’t burn the whole place down.”

Felix still looked a little hesitant. 

“Felix, c’mon,” Jack pleaded gently. “Just let me help you get some things under control.”

“You don’t mind?”

“I’d say something sarcastic if I didn’t think you’d get upset,” Jack told him. “Just let me do this. You stay in bed, I’ll make the food, you’ll eat, take a shower, and then that’s it. You can go back to Michael and Brad.”

Felix groaned and pulled the duvet up and over his head. “… I am kinda hungry,” Jack heard under the covers, all muffled and adorable-sounding. Jack’s heart melted a little and he wished he could join Felix under those covers and read comics with him or something just as juvenile. But having Felix admit to hunger felt like this weird step forward that Jack hadn’t known to anticipate. So he was sure as hell going to make Felix a bomb ass breakfast.

“Best fuckin’ eggs and bacon ye’ll ever have, comin’ right up,” Jack said, patting where he knew Felix’s head was under the blanket. “Just gimme a minute, yeah? And then I’ll bring it up.” Felix just groaned. 

Jack went downstairs and made the breakfast he’d boasted. He was more than a little surprised to find actual food in Felix's fridge, however scarce. There wasn’t any bacon, but there were frozen sausages, so Jack cooked those and plated them with the scrambled eggs he’d made after botching his original attempt at ssunnyside-up. He toasted a few waffles and poured a glass of orange juice from a bottle that expired literally yesterday. He finished making the breakfast and went upstairs, hoping Felix had headed his words and stayed in bed.

But upon entering the room, he instead saw Felix pacing his room shirtless, phone to his ear, speaking Swedish.

“ _Seán är här,_ ” Felix was saying. “ _Så jag kommer att vara okej._ ” Felix paused. “ _… Jo. Den Seán_.” Another pause, then Felix sighed heavily, pushing his fingers into his eyes. “ _Pappa, snälla sluta. Han ar inte samma person. Han behövde bara en tid._ ”

Felix stopped when he saw Jack in the door. He smiled tiredly and mouthed “my dad” to Jack, nodding then to the phone. Jack nodded and set down the tray of food. He’d heard his name in there, and this wasn’t a conversation that sounded jovial. Jack wanted to let Mr. Kjellberg he said hello, but he felt like it wouldn’t be good timing. 

“ _Pappa, pratar vi om samma sak?_ ” Felix paused again as Jack started to make the bed. “ _Varfor fòrsöker du inte? Seán ar min närmsta vän, han… han räddar mig, pappa. Betyder det inte något för dig?_ ” Felix frowned as he listened to his father. Jack tried to make himself busy. It wasn’t like he could eavesdrop on a conversation in a language he didn’t speak. It was the easiest way to make sure Jack didn’t check out all of Felix’s bare skin. Felix’s frown turned into a scowl. “ _Vad är get för fel på dig? Let är into omöjligt.Vi är inte rädda. Jag är trött på aventyr. Jag är inte ett offer.” Felix clenched his jaw. “… Pappa, jag älskar honom._ ”

Jack didn't understand those words, but the way Felix said them made it feel like they mattered more than most words did. Jack paused in readjusting Felix’s bed-pillows for the millionth time to watch Felix, wanting to make sure nothing was going south. Felix already looked so upset. Arguing with his dad over whatever this was couldn’t be good for his health. Jack gestured to the breakfast, wanting Felix to wrap up this unhappy conversation. 

“ _Seán gjorde frukost för mig,_ ” Felix sighed. “ _Hejdå, pappa._ ” Felix hung up, presumably before he could hear a response. He tossed his phone onto the bed and ran his hands through his unkempt hair. The rest, peaceful look from earlier this morning was gone. Felix looked ages older again. 

“Eat,” Jack said, taking Felix by the arm and and leading him back to the bed. “Whatever your dad said doesn’t matter. He isn’t here so he doesn’t understand what you’re going through. Just eat somethin’ and take the day one step at a time, yeah?”

“He thinks you’re no good for me,” Felix said. “Can’t blame him for saying it. Just wish he would listen to me when I say he’s fucking wrong.” Felix looked to the breakfast. “Holy shit, that’s a lot. How much do you think I can eat?”

“ _When did_ ye’ last eat?” Jack asked.

Felix grimaced. “I’ll eat it.” He sat on his bed crosslegged, bringing the food into his lap. He held out one of the sausages to Jack. “If you’re gonna make me look super gay, you kinda have to do it with me,” he told Jack. Jack smirked and took the sausage, sitting beside Felix. “My dad is coming home for Christmas,” Felix said. 

“That’s, like, months away,” Jack said. Felix nodded. “When was the last time ye’ saw him?”

Felix paused. “… Midsummer?”

Jack blanched. “The fuck, Fe’?”

“Pretty sure the only reason my dad didn’t just straight up disown me like my mom did is because she beat him to it,” Felix admitted. “He might as well be gone. ’S why seeing your dad fucked me up just as bad as your mom. I’m seriously an orphan. Just need a Batman to come pick me up and get me killed. Better than suicide cause it’d be a form of martyrdom.”

“Batman dying isn’t martyrdom,” Jack snorted.

“But Nightwing is,” Felix argued. “And Red Robin and Robin and Red Hood. They’d all be a form of martyrdom because they’re fighting for Batman’s beliefs, to an extent. Red Hood, not really, but back when he was Robin? That would’ve been martyrdom.”

“Batman ain’t a religious belief,” Jack snorted. 

“Martyrdom isn’t religious,” Felix said. “It can be other beliefs. Like civil rights or faith or whatever. But it can’t be a cause of the belief, it has to be for the belief. Like the monk that burned himself alive.”

“Is taking a bullet for a lover a kind of martyrdom?” Jack asked. “Your belief in love. You die for love. Isn’t that martyrdom?”

Felix grimaced. “That’s more self sacrifice than martyrdom. A martyr dies or suffers and becomes a sort of figurehead for the belief. Taking a bullet for someone you love in the name of love… That’s just love, in general. Real love, though. Unconditional love. Which is basically nonexistent these days, so good luck ever finding something like that.”

“I’d take a bullet for ye’," Jack said with a shrug. He meant it, too. He often spent his time before falling asleep going over hypotheticals, and this was one scenario he’d explored more than once. And every time he mulled it over, he always reached the same outcome— he’d take a bullet for Felix, fatal or not. Felix looked surprised, and even a little touched. There was a faint tinge to his ears and the tiniest, tired smile.

“I’d prefer it if you didn’t,” Felix said. “But thanks. And same.”

Jack snickered. “Wow, Felix. I drop that serious bombshell and you’re just all ‘samesies!’ I’m touched.”

“I’d take a bullet for you too, Jack,” Felix said, dead serious. Jack’s joking attitude faded into serenity. He and Felix ate quietly until the plate was empty. Jack had ended up eating half of it, but Felix had also eaten twice as much as Jack had expected. That was a success in Jack’s mind. “I have to go see Michael,” Felix said whenJack took the empty plate.

“You’re taking a shower first,” Jack said. “And then you’re coming home tonight, I don’t care how late. If I can’t be here for ye’ midday, I’m making fucking certain that ye’ have a dinner and a good night’s rest.”

Felix grimaced. “Yeah, uh, I really don’t have time for that.”

“Tough shit, Felix, you’re coming back.” Jack set the plate on the dresser. “Go take a shower. Do ye’ need me to pick out yer clothes or are ye’ capable enough on yer own?”

“I can get my own fucking clothes, Jack, but you’re not listening to me. I need to get back to Michael and I don’t think I can come home tonight. Michael’s throwing up half the shit he eats. Brad is pulling his fucking hair out and he keeps fucking glaring at me. Like, I get that this is my fault but I can’t fucking just wave a wand and fix Michael like magic.”

“How in the hell is this your fault?” Jack demanded. “Ye’ve got an awful habit of taking on blame when it ain’t yours t’ take.”

“No, no, this isn’t like the teacher,” Felix said. “Michael literally said one of the reasons was because I was avoiding him, or, or something. Because I’m not with him as much as I used to. He said it was something about not being needed. I don’t really get it, Jack, that’s why I have to be there until I do understand.”

Jack’s eyes went wide. “He blamed you?”

“Yeah, basically,” Felix said. “It’s why Brad’s pissed. He warned me. He told me this would happen if I hung around you too much. Maybe not the suicide thing, but he knew Michael wouldn’t handle it well. I should’ve listened, and instead, Michael tried to kill himself.”

“You’re fucking kidding me,” Jack deadpanned. “I’ll be fucked before I let anyone pin their fucking shit on you.”

Felix sighed. “I don’t have time for this, Jack.”

“Then fucking make time,” Jack demanded. “We handled the teacher, now we’re going to handle Michael. You are not responsible for all of these people. You are not responsible for the actions of others. You are responsible for yourself and that’s fuckin’ it, got it? So stop takin’ on everyone else’s shit and just live yer fuckin’ life.”

“Jack, it’s not that—”

“Don’t tell me it’s not that simple,” Jack interrupted. “It’s simpler than the fuckin’ sun risin’ in the morning. You do not fuckin’ blame yourself for the actions of others and ye’ don’t insist on destroying yourself for the stupid mistakes people make.”

Felix grimaced. “It’s Michael… It’s not the same.”

“Michael chose to end it,” Jack said firmly. “Ye’ didn’t make him. Ye’ didn’t want him to. Ye’ didn’t do a damn thing wrong, Felix. I know it’s hard to understand, but Michael had more reasons than just you. Just like ye’ can’t blame yerself for how I left, ye’ can’t blame yerself for how Michael tried t’ leave as well.” Jack paused, studying Felix’s expression. “Seriously, Fe’. You’ll drive yerself into the ground.”

“I’m gonna take that shower,” Felix said. 

“And you’re gonna come home later tonight,” Jack said. 

“You’re not gonna drop this, are you?” Felix asked wearily. 

Jack just looked him dead in the eye and didn’t say a word. Felix wilted under the stare. “I’m sorry, Jack,” he said. “For calling you. For dragging you into this through association. You shouldn’t have to deal with any of it. The drama, the hurt. None of it. You didn’t ask for any of this.”

“But I want to be ‘round you,” Jack said. “And if you’re a packaged deal with all that shite, then I’ll take it.”

“You’re took kind,” Felix mumbled. “Bad news— I’m not worth it.”

Jack frowned at him. “Take yer fuckin’ shower and let me be the judge of that.”

Felix ducked his head and gabbed a random pair of jeans. He left the room in a rush, but not quickly enough for Jack to miss the tiniest smile tugging at Felix’s lips. 

“And put a fuckin’ shirt on when ye’ come out!” Jack called out after him. “Gonna give me a heart attack!”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've reached 100k in this and that makes me very happy :) it's my first time reaching 100k in the youtube fandom and that seems special to me so yay

Felix didn’t come home for dinner. 

He didn’t come back Sunday, either. Jack had kept an eye next door, anticipating the rumbling engine of that truck. The more he waited for it to happen, the more he thought of stupid things, like how Felix definitely didn’t look like the kind of guy to drive a fucking clunky truck. It was too loud and awkward and almost clumsy. It was high up and a little dirty and banged to fucking hell. Felix should be driving some fucking high-end sports car that gripped the road and sped around corners, a sexy, expensive car that practically screamed speed. Like a Maserati or a Rolls Royce or something. 

Jack spent literally half of his Sunday afternoon googling different kinds of sports cars to find the one that was most befitting of Felix. He settled on a 2017 BMW i8 because the silver with the blue accent reminded Jack of Felix’s eyes and hair and the curvature of the car itself reminded Jack of the curve of Felix’s spine when he stretched. It was arguably one of the weirdest ways Jack had spent his evenings, but he ended up saving a picture of the car to his phone because he wanted to ask Mark for his opinion on whether or not the car was as accurate to Felix’s image as he believed it to be. 

It helped distract him from the anger. And the worry. The thought of what could be keeping Felix, and how much worse off he’d be once Jack finally got to see him again. The simple breakfast wasn’t enough to get Felix through any of the emotional turmoil he was going experiencing. 

Monday brought school. Felix didn’t show up then, either. 

“It’ll be okay,” Mark said, standing in front of Jack before they went into the cafeteria. “It’s all totally gonna be okay.”

“I’m not freakin’ out,” Jack sighed. “Really. I know Felix has things to do. He told me some stuff and while I’m not fuckin’ happy at all that he’s over there, neglectin’ himself, I know that it’s something he feels like he has to do.”

Mark squinted. “… I’m skeptical of this new, more mature Jack.”

“Michael said that one of the reasons he killed himself is because Felix is hanging around me more than him.” Jack shook his head. “How fucked is that? How manipulative is that?”

“Uh, I, I really don’t want to get in the middle of this,” Mark admitted. “I mostly just wanted to console you over Felix’s absence, I really don’t think I know enough about any of this to say anything about what Michael’s said and-or done.”

“Still, ye’ have to admit that it isn’t fair to Felix,” Jack beseeched. “He doesn’t deserve to have his friends putting that shit on him. Michael shouldn’t put that kind of responsibility on him even if ye’ people say Felix is some weird mental adult. He doesn't need to go ‘round, blaming himself for Michael swallowing those pills. Felix didn’t tell Michael to try an’ die. Who puts that sort of shit on their friend?”

“Michael’s not in the right place,” Mark argued gently. “That much is obvious.”

“If I tried to kill myself, I’d put none of it on my friends,” Jack said. “Maybe my enemies, maybe some random fucking person, maybe a celebrity, maybe even myself. But I would never want my friends to feel like Felix does right now. Ye’ didn’t see him that night, Mark. The way he cried, the way he could barely stand on his own. Michael did that t' him. What kind of friend does that?”

“I don’t know, Jack,” Mark sighed. “I really don’t know anything except that Michael is in a very, very bad place, and any sort of legitimate criticism will probably do nothing but make it worse. For Felix and Michael. Just, just tone it down for now, okay? Felix will not appreciate you saying those things.”

“Felix knows I'm right,” Jack insisted. “He has to. It’d be insane if he took all this shit on his shoulders.”

Mark looked suddenly tired. He just shook his head uselessly. “Seán,” He said. “Please. Just let him handle this however he thinks is best. I know you mean well. I do. But he doesn’t need you passive aggressively tearing into Michael and tearing into Felix at the same time.”

“I’m not tearing into—”

“You’re basically calling him stupid every time you bring into question what he’s doing,” Mark explained. “You’re insulting him. He’s known Michael much longer than you have, and he’s been dealing with this sort of thing longer too. He knows all of this shit better than you do, and yet you criticize him like you know better than him. I’m not saying you’re wrong, Jack, believe me. Felix should not blame himself and Michael shouldn’t blame him. But telling Felix this stuff over and over is just insinuating that you think he’s too stupid to understand it on his own.”

Jack scowled but stopped arguing. He crossed his arms over his chest and looked away with an unhappy expression. 

“Woah, what’s going on here?” Ethan asked, suddenly bounding in between them. “Trouble in paradise, lovebirds? I’m sure inviting a new party member into your group will definitely enhance the gameplay.”

“Are we talking a threesome or something else?” Mark asked, looking grateful for the interjection. “I’m down for a threesome. We’ve got the hair, it’d be like the Powerpuff Girls having an orgy. Think I could get Amy to record it? Kathryn could do all the editing and shit for later and we could leak it and become famous.”

“Pretty sure Tyler would tear your head off, Mark,” Jack snorted. “And mine.” Ethan blushed and just sorta flailed his arms around in the air like he didn’t know what to say to explain what he was feeling. “I’m kidding, Ethan,” Jack said, kicking the sole of his shoe. “We know ye’ wouldn’t let Tyler hurt us, even if we’re right to tease.”

“Shut up,” Ethan said. “Just, just shut up. Come eat.”

“I’m talking to Jack,” Mark said.

“And now you’re eating,” Ethan replied. “Really. Kathryn wants to tell us something.”

Mark frowned and went into the cafeteria. Jack followed begrudgingly. He couldn’t remember Kathryn ever needing to tell them something before, and with Mark’s expression, Jack was sure Mark couldn’t recall this ever having happened either. They sat at the table. Everyone looked particularly worried.

“So, I’m not sure what’s been going on with all of this,” Kathryn said, looking up from her biology textbook. “But…” She trailed off. “Why do you guys all look so worried?”

“Kathryn, sweetie, whatever it is, just know that we’re here for you,” Amy told her, reaching across the table to try and take her hand. Kathryn looked bewildered. "If you need a place to stay, please know that my door is always open for you. My parents love you, you know that, and they love having you to help with the baking. You can always come to me.”

Kathryn frowned. “… My dad’s in rehab, Amy, there really is nothing going on at home.”

“Oh.” Amy pulled back. That was over quickly. “Then what’s wrong?”

“My brother told me about how he’s going to a party at Felix’s this Friday,” Kathryn said. “But I was under the impression that Felix was falling apart because of whatever Michael did. And I want to know if I need to be worried about my brother going into anything worse than what it usually is.”

“Felix is throwing a party?” Jack asked, a little hurt that he found out this way. But again, Felix was under a huge amount of stress at this time. “First I’ve heard of it. Probably for Michael, actually, so I don’t think you need to worry about anything happening.”

“Felix is chill,” Mark agreed. “I’d expect Ethan to go on a bender more than I’d expect it of Felix.”

“I’m a total drunk,” Ethan readily agreed. He was sitting at the opposite end of the table from Tyler and Tyler looked very upset about the fact. Jack had half a mind to shove the two of them into a damn closet with one another, but he now had a twenty in the betting pool and he didn’t want to lose it on account of sabotage. 

“Ethan’s bender would be glorious, too,” Amy said, gaze far away like she was daydreaming. “He’d end up halfway across the state, on a bus heading to Nevada. He’d lose all of his college fund to the roulette table and he’d be romanced by some far away stranger that barely speaks English, because all Ethan needs is someone who can let him talk forever.”

“And then he’ll end up pregnant,” Mark continued for her. “He’ll name Felix the godfather out of regret for his previous misgivings about the guy and they’ll have a newfound respect for each other. Felix will end up with the kid because Ethan is now an alcoholic and CPS took the kid away. Jack will raise the child with Felix. The child will develop a terrible Irish accent and dye everything he or she touches blue and yellow.”

Kathryn didn’t look convinced. 

“You guys should write a book,” Ethan said. 

“I don’t want my brother getting arrested,” Kathryn said. “It won’t look good for my mother, and we’re already on thin ice. So if something’s going to happen, I want to know now. Shit’s already going down on campus, and I know it will only get worse for Felix, so if it all goes bad, I don’t want him bringing my brother down with him.”

“Why would it get worse for Felix?” Jack asked, suddenly attentive. Kathryn knew quite a few things he didn’t. 

“Is something happening?” Mark asked, sitting forward too. “I haven’t heard about the school being upset with him. I know the absences are a bit much, but they understand. These are delicate circumstances.”

“What, don’t you know?” Kathryn asked. When no one answered, her mouth fell open in shock. “Holy crap, you don’t know.”

“You’re right, we don’t, so throw us a bone and clue in,” Tyler sighed, sounding tired of the conversation. 

Kathryn grinned. “Nah. I’m not gonna tell you.”

“What?” Jack demanded, leaning forward. “Kathryn, if it has to do with Felix, ye’ fucking better—”

“I don’t think it’s going to be a problem until the party,” Kathryn said. “If you don’t find out before then, I’ll tell you. But for now, I’m just not gonna say anything. Maybe it’s a dick move, maybe I’m a total bitch. I just feel like you guys not knowing this yet is probably a good thing, for all of your sanities. And as long as Jack knows, Felix won’t know. Because Jack would never be able to keep this a secret from him.”

“Felix needs to be able to prepare himself for whatever the fuck you’re keeping from us,” Jack snapped, angry with Kathryn for willingly keeping this from Felix, like it was some sort of game. It didn’t seem fair. 

“He can’t prepare for this,” Kathryn replied cryptically. “It’ll only make things worse. And since you’re also letting him avoid you, I’m not gonna say anything until Thursday.” She paused. “Or, I’ll tell you if he starts hanging around you consistently again. Because he probably won’t handle this well. Might be better to have you around.”

“What the fuck, Kathryn,” Mark sighed. 

“You guys can think I’m an ass all you want,” she defended. “But I’m good at knowing how to handle this stuff. He does not need to know, and as Jack is likely unable to keep his mouth shut around Felix, Jack can’t know either. And the same goes for why I can’t tell Mark or Amy or Ethan.” She looked to Tyler. “I can tell you, though. I know you’ll tell Ethan eventually, but you’ll last at least a few days.”

“Not if I try really hard to make him tell me,” Ethen insisted. 

“God, what the fuck even is it?” Jack asked, digging his nails into his palms. “This is fuckin’ cruel, Kathryn, and your bullshit explanation ain’t gonna help yer case.”

“You know about the party, go with that,” Kathryn said. “I’m sorry. I know you guys think I’m doing this to be an asshole, but even I wouldn’t go this far just for petty dislike. I know how abusive relationships work. He doesn’t need to know this until it’s absolutely necessary.”

“Kathryn, really,” Mark begged. “This isn’t okay to do to someone. If this is something dangerous, Felix needs—”

“Felix needs to handle whatever he's got right now,” Kathryn explained. “Telling him this will be too much.”

“You don’t know that,” Mark said.

“Yes, I do.” She sounded horribly confident.

Mark sighed and looked to Jack beside him. “She’s stubborn as a wall, Jack. We won’t be able to get through to her.”

Jack scowled. “This is fuckin’ bullshit.” He was angry, undeniably angry. Felix’s health wasn’t something he took lightly these days. It was fucking obvious and every single person at this table knew not to fuck with him when it came to Felix. What Kathryn was doing was a blatant “fuck you” to Jack’s concern. 

“If you don’t know by Thursday, I’ll tell you.” Kathryn started to gather her things. “The animosity at this table is way too much for me right now. I have a test. I’ll see you guys later.” She wisely left and Jack smacked his hand against the top of the table hard enough to hurt. Amy jumped at the sound. 

“We’ll find out,” Mark said. “Before Thursday. If anyone finds out what she’s hiding, report to Jack immediately.” He looked to Ethan and Tyler in particular. “I know that you guys don’t really know what’s happening with Michael, but neither does she. Just please believe me when I tell you that Felix needs to know whatever this is. Kathryn seems to think it’ll make things worse, and while we all know Kathryn knows what she’s talking about, Felix needs this time to prepare for whatever it could be.”

Ethan and Tyler both nodded, though didn’t respond. 

“What the fuck makes her the expert on this shit?” Jack demanded, still pissed. “How the fuck can she just parade around like she knows the first damn thing about it?”

“Her dad’s a drug addict,” Amy said. “Maybe she’s not in the same boat as Felix, but things are pretty bad for her right now too. Though she said he’s in rehab now.” Amy smiled a bit. “That’s good. Hopefully it’ll catch.”

“Is that why she hates Michael?” To Jack, it seemed a little fickle. But Kathryn didn’t know what Michael had been through, and likely never would. So maybe it explained the instinctual hostility, but Jack didn’t like it. He couldn’t imagine hating one person just for an experience with another. It didn’t make any…

Actually, Jack could barely stand women of the baptist church anymore. So maybe he could understand a little.

“She doesn’t like to make a big deal out of it,” Amy explained. “She just knows what drugs can do to people. What it can do to a family. So she’s a little wary, but I know that the more Mark and I talk to her about Felix, the more she’ll warm up to him.” Amy smiled again. “She’s a big girl. She isn’t entirely prejudiced.”

“I’m still not okay with her keepin’ secrets,” Jack grumbled. “Felix needs to know this shit before it blindsides him.”

“Don’t you think you’re being a bit too protective of him?” Tyler asked. “He made it this far on his own, you know. You don’t have to be in charge of everything for him.”

“It’s not like that,” Jack argued sharply.

“You really do seem to be obsessed with him,” Ethan agreed. “He’s all you talk about and all you think about, I’m sure. I get that you’re in love with the guy and working through all that stuff, but he is his own person. He hasn’t had parents for, like, two years. He’s had to handle Michael for those two yeas. He’s been without you for _two years, Jack._ There’s no reason for you to be so controlling.”

“What happened to Michael was not even three months ago,” Jack said, voice low. “So no, he hasn’t been dealing with this on his own. And yeah, a little of this is my fault. Michael might no have tried t’ hurt himself if I hadn’t shown up because Felix would’ve been able to keep giving Michael all of his time. I can’t change that. All I can do is help where I can, because I am partially responsible.”

Ethan slowly raised his hands into the air. “Jack,” he hissed. “ _Jack._ Jack. _You are fucking seventeen years old._ ”

“So is Felix.”

“Oh my god,” Ethan whispered. He kept waving his hands in the air. “ _This is ridiculous._ ”

“I’ve learned it’s no use to try and stop Jack,” Mark sighed. “You were right to say he’s obsessed. Can’t say I wouldn’t be doing the same if this was about Amy, though.” Jack glanced to Mark and saw he was holding his girlfriend’s hand. Both of them looked a little sad. Jack wasn’t sure if it was pity for Jack or for Kathryn. “I don’t blame Michael for smoking just to handle things,” Mark said. “I’m starting to feel pretty stressed out. And I’m not even directly involved.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry.” Jack hadn’t realized he was starting to affect his friends. “I, uh. I can _try_ take a step back?” He very well couldn’t, but he could act like he was. He had to try something, right? He didn’t want to upset anyone. 

“We both know you can’t do that,” Mark snorted. “I don’t mind helping, and I wasn’t even stressed until this thing with Kathryn. What the hell is she doing just keeping this? I know I literally just said she has her reasons, but the more I think about it, the more it seems so stupid. What could be this bad?”

“I’m not hungry anymore,” Amy said. “I’m gonna go talk to Kathryn, if that’s okay. Maybe she’ll tell me anyways.” Amy squeezed Mark’s hand and stood. “Hope, uhm. I hope everything works out.”

“This is all so crazy,” Ethan said as she left. “Can barely even think about the dance.”

Jack groaned. If it was one thing, it was another. “The dance? What dance?”

“The fucking fall dance, dude!” Ethan replied. “It’s in two weeks. So this weekend is the party, then the week after is the dance, and I don’t even have a date to either! Now everything is going all wonky.” Ethan pressed his fingers into his temples. “I need to get a date. I need to start figuring out the colors of my tux.”

“Surprised you’re going,” Jack commented. 

“We always go,” Tyler sighed. “Gone every year since high school started, might as well finish out the year on the same note. This is homecoming, right?”

“Homecoming-slash-Autumnal ball,” Ethan replied, looking far more excited than Tyler. “Then we have the winter formal, than the Spring formal, and then prom. Did you go to any of the dances before you left, Jack?”

Jack shook his head, feeling like he had more important things to do than talk about stupid dances. It was a little sad— he’d even expected to ask Felix to the Autumnal ball before everything had happened. Now he could care less. But Ethan enjoyed this stuff and Jack wasn’t one to put down his friends on purpose. “I think we went to homecoming that year, but for the rest, we just dicked around on our own,” he said. “The dance was a little dumb for us because we weren’t really into any girls. Weren’t really into anyone.” Except one another, but that was different. 

“It just seemed a little like a waste to us,” Jack continued. “The only people we wanted to be around was one another. We were really only friends with each other and happy that way. I was harboring a huge fucking crush on Felix, so you can only imagine my joy when he chose to spend time with me on those dance nights over the occasional girl who would ask him to be their date. And trust me, he got asked out quite a bit more than the average freshman. Got asked out by a junior, too. That was a fucking trip.”

“Any idea why he said no?” Mark asked, sounding way too neutral. 

Jack shrugged. He’d never really given it much thought. “Maybe because the whole crush thing was mutual?” Jack thought aloud. “Not sure for how long, though. I had been pining for almost two years. It was ridiculous, and difficult as all hell. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be going through puberty while the object of your long nights is literally by your side constantly, gettin’ ye’ into trouble, sneaking off with ye’ into the night, and basically being ever-present? Inescapable? I was drowning, man, literally drowning, and it was…” 

Pretty fucking amazing. Jack always felt like he was flying with Felix around. To know that the boy he was basically in love with only ever wanted to be around him was more than a dream come true. It meant more to him than he could ever really understand back then. Now, Jack could appreciate the depth of Felix's loyalty. Felix could’ve really been with anyone else. 

He could’ve gone with those swooning girls or the other kids who wanted him to join soccer or track or swim because Felix was athletic when he wanted to be. Those kids never understood that Felix would never be athletic for competition. He only ever wanted to run when he was chasing Jack. Swim when they were crossing a river to new places. He only wanted to climb when Jack was climbing just behind him. Felix didn’t give a damn about the world unless it was the part of the world that had Jack init.

Jack’s eyes went wide.

“Oh my gosh, you're blushing,” Ethan said, giggling happily. “You’re so cute.”

“I’m literally just realizing that Felix was probably into me way longer than a thought,” Jack groaned, lowering his head to the table. “Oh my god. Oh my god. _Oh my god._.”

“Jack, it’s okay,” Ethan snickered. “He, oh my goodness. Was it, like, super obvious, or were you that dense?”

“It was so fucking obvious!” Jack whined into the table. “It was the most fuckin’ obvious thing ever, and I fucked it all up. I could’ve kissed him any time before the stairs. I could’ve been proactive! Could’ve saved us this misery! Holy fuck, guys, I’m just… I’m just the _worst_.”

“I dunno, he could’ve done something at any time too,” Mark argued. “I’m sure he knew you were into him as well. He had to have known, right? You’re not subtle, dude, he would’ve had to been blind not to notice.”

“He, he probably didn’t want to get us in more trouble,” Jack sighed. “Fuck if I know.”

“This is such a sad realization,” Tyler said, looking mildly entertained. “You guys could’ve kicked it into high gear ages before anything went wrong. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, Jack. You could’ve helped Felix keep his parents.”

Jack narrowed his eyes at Tyler from the table. “Stop right there before I say something ye’ll want t’ hit me for.”

Tyler just shrugged. 

“I don’t think it matters if he found out sooner or later,” Mark said. “Things would’ve been different, maybe, but I think that it doesn’t matter what could’ve changed since it really can’t be changed. Yeah, it sucks all this happened. And it sucks cause you probably could’ve been happier with him earlier on. But who knows? Maybe the relationship wouldn’t have worked out like it does now. Maybe you both needed to do some serious maturing before reaching a legitimate relationship with one another. And maybe he needs to go through some more stuff before you guys are really able to just settle down and exist together happily. All that matters is that it doesn’t do you any good to ruminate and torture yourself over the past.”

“Don’t spin this into a good thing,” Jack grumbled. “I’m all for optimism, but I definitely don’t want to see the bright side right now. I just wanna wallow in my misery.” Mark pat him on the arm. “Is lunch over yet?” Jack started to pout. “I miss Felix.” Mark pat him on the head.

“Ethan, wanna go to the dance with me?” Tyler suddenly asked. Jack’s head shot up from the table and Mark’s mouth was the perfect shape of an “o.” Ethan looked equally as shocked, but Tyler was just fiddling away with a pencil he’d pulled from his bag. He was the very definition of nonchalant. 

“Wait, really?” Ethan asked. “We’re doing this? For real? Now?” Ethan looked around the cafeteria. “I…”

“I expected flowers!” Mark cried out, landing his fists on the table in mock anger. “And balloons! And donuts that spelled out Ethan’s name! Roses on the car and chalk on the sidewalk! Romantic music! I want a do-over! I demand wooing!”

“Fuck you, Mark,” Tyler drawled. “What ‘ya say, Ethan?”

Ethan sputtered out random syllables. His hands started to flail in the air again. 

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Tyler said. “We’ll get tuxes this weekend. I’ll pick you up around ten on Sunday, since I’m pretty sure we’re gonna deal with the aftermath of the party on Saturday.” Tyler glanced to Mark. “I’m also assuming we’re staying at Jack’s Friday night? For reconnaissance, of course.” Tyler tapped the table with his knuckles as he stood. “I’ll bring a dozen donuts tomorrow just to appease Mark. See you guys later. Ethan, decide what color you want us to wear.” He left, leaving Ethan still in bumbling shock. 

Jack snickered. “I’m cool with _this_ positive thing,” he told Mark. “This silver lining. Fuckin’ hilarious.”

“Ethan, you have to say no until he gives you at least one bouquet of flowers,” Mark insisted. Ethan smacked his head on the table like Jack and done before as Mark continued to list of the things Tyler needed to do to earn Ethan’s hand in courtship.

. . .

 _tyler asked ethan out 2day_

_it was fucking hilarious and ethan basically cldnt respond the whole time_

_rmmbr when we ditched the spring formal?_

_we went into olinky’s room and used his projector to watch cartoons_

_1 of the best nights of my life felix_

_i hope everything is good_

_tell michael i wish him well_

_hit me up if u ever need it fe_

_to the end_

. . .

“It’s Wednesday,” Jack said to Mark as they walked from the school to Mark’s car. “And Kathryn still hasn’t said shit.” He kicked at a defenseless rock and sent it careening down the asphalt. It did nothing to satiate his anger. “Fuckin’ can’t stand it, Mark. With how long this is taking, even I won’t have time to prepare for Felix.”

“It can’t actually be that big of a deal,” Mark sighed. “Not if she holds it from us like this.”

“She made it sound like it was a fucking disaster.” Jack looked up when he heard the screech of tires. A car pulled up in front of a group of people, and a taller guy got out. He had a huge beard and everyone greeted him like they were over the moon to see him again. Jack turned his attention back to Mark when he started talking. 

“Kathryn can sometimes see things as a little more dramatic than they actually are,” Mark told him. “Maybe she doesn’t actually know anything that awful. Maybe she’s just blowing it out of proportion.”

“Or maybe it’s terrible and we’re gonna be hit by a meteor,” Jack said as he opened the door lowered himself into Mark’s car. “At least Ethan’s happy. I still think you should’ve let Ethan have more than one of those donuts. They were meant for him, ye’ know.”

“I’ve been watching them dance around each other for ages, I deserved some sort of compensation.”

“For the emotional trauma,” Jack snickered. 

“For the emotion—” Mark cut himself off as Jack’s phone started to ring. Mark glanced over. “… Is that Felix?”

Jack nodded, answering his phone without hesitation. “Fe’?”

_“Uh, hey Jack.”_

Jack cast a glance to Mark. “… Everything okay?”

There was a long pause. 

_“Yeah.”_

Jesus, this was gonna be like pulling teeth. “Mark and I were just about to hang out,” Jack told Felix, deciding to take the initiative. “Wanna come? I’m sure Mark wouldn’t mind picking you up. Ye’ can finally play games and shit with us. Like we’ve asked.”

There was a little hesitation. _“… You sure he wouldn’t mind?”_

Jack looked to Mark again. “Mark, would ye’ mind picking up Felix and taking him along with us for our virtual adventures?”

Mark pursed his lips. “How do you say yes in Swedish?”

“Ja.”

Mark leaned closer to Jack so he could be heard through the receiver. “Ja~a! Wunderbar!”

“That’s fuckin’ German,” Jack snickered.

“How do you say wonderful in Swedish then?”

Jack paused, unable to think of the word. “Felix, how do ye’ say wonderful in Swedish?”

_“Underbar.”_

Fuck, that was too close. Jack couldn’t tell Mark that he was that close to the correct word. “You got it so wrong, Mark,” Jack lied. “How embarrassing.”

“Your volume is up,” Mark told him. “I could hear what he said.”

Jack faltered. “… F-fuck you, then.” He went back to the phone. “He said yes, Fe’. Get yer shit ready.”

_“I’m sorry, Jack.”_

Jack frowned. “Look, Felix,” he began, softening his tone. “Whatever it is, it’s okay. I know you’ve been through the ringer and I know ye’ had your reasons for not coming back that night. I know ye’ve had your reasons for not being at school, too. I’m not upset with you and I’m not gonna blow up at ye’ for any of this. Just understand that I am going to overfeed the fuck out of ye’ tonight, and tomorrow morning, because you’re staying at me place tonight, no arguments accepted.”

_“Okay.”_

Jack hated how defeated Felix sounded. “We’ll be there in a few moments, Felix,” he told him. “Seeya soon.”

 _“Bye.”_ Felix’s voice was nearly a whisper when he hung up. Jack couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d done something wrong, even though he knew he hadn’t. 

“He’s in a bad place,” Mark said. “Everyone is these days. It’ll be fine.”

“Thanks for changin’ plans,” Jack said. “He really is fun to be around, I swear. Maybe not so much today, but…”

“There is literally no possible way for him to ruin WOW for me,” Mark said. “Which is what we’re playing, by the way. I am making you play that game. I’ll teach you everything I know. Has Felix ever ventured into the depths of Warcraft?”

“When we were younger, yeah. He was almost as much of a nerd as you,” Jack snorted. 

“Good, good. Chinese and WOW. It’ll be like we’re in college already.”

. . .

Jack was shit at this game.

“You’re just awful,” Mark laughed, watching Jack fumble with casting a simple spell. “Dude, is the menu that confusing to you? It’s a simple point and click system, I’m not sure where this disconnect is happening.”

“Jack, Jack, here,” Felix said, pushing Jack over in the seat to share it with him. Jack clenched his teeth, knowing why he was such fucking shit at this game. It was because Felix had been doing nothing but stretching his arms above his head, or yawning like a kitten, or running his fingers through his hair. Now Felix’s entire right side was pressed against Jack’s left. He wasn’t going to improve like this; he could barely fucking function. Felix was just so damn _distracting._

“You do know how to roll need on loot, right?” Felix was asking him. “We’re going on a raid, Jack, and you need better looking shoulder pads. Just roll need on shit, I don’t mind, and Mark probably doesn’t either. You need better armor.”

“It was just one fucking dragon!” Jack huffed. “I’ve never played this, how am I supposed to defeat a dragon by myself?”

“You’re not supposed to beat him by yourself. You ran past me and Felix and tried to attack the guy completely on your own, without any sort of help or higher level weapon,” Mark reminded Jack. “This isn’t Halo— you can’t just melee your way through your problems. It's not like you have an energy hammer or something.”

“Or an energy sword,” Felix agreed. “You have to hold back and wait for us. You can’t do these raids on your own.”

“I wanna kill things!” Jack whined. “We should play somethin’ else. Somethin’ easier.”

“I never thought I’d see the day where someone referred to WOW as a difficult game,” Mark snorted. He started stuffing more orange chicken into his face as Felix tried to help Jack simplify the already simple controls. Felix was leaning across Jack to reach the keyboard, and he smelled like citrus. Jack would’ve laughed at Felix using such girly shampoo if he weren’t so wrapped up in the fact that Felix had to smell like fucking citrus everywhere else. Because Felix couldn’t tell the difference between hand soap and dish soap, which meant he had to use shampoo as body soap. Was it creepy to want to smell someone everywhere?

Jack imagined being caught between Felix’s thighs and still smelling the lovely scent of oranges. Something clenched in his chest and his character spazzed on the screen when Jack’s hand snatched up a pillow to put over is lap as he crossed his legs. He made a show of leaning forward to make it seem like the pillow was there for comfort reasons. Felix was still trying to help Jack, so he didn’t even notice. 

“Your spells have a charge, just like everything else,” Felix was saying. “You should use macros more often so you can do more than one thing at a time.”

“Make yourself useful, Jack,” Mark quipped. Jack rolled his eyes. Mark grabbed a bowl of rice from the pile of food they had on the table next to Mark’s computer. Mark oh-so slyly pushed the bowl towards Jack after loading it up with beef slices and snap peas. Jack took it and pushed it into Felix’s chest. 

And see, Felix often got wrapped up in things when he was focused. If you were to put a pencil and paper in front of him, he’d write down literally anything you told him to without question and wouldn’t even notice. So when Jack put the bowl in Felix’s hands, Felix started to eat on complete autopilot, talking through a mouthful of food half the time. Jack didn’t mind the sound in his ear like he normally would’ve. Felix had eaten two bowls of food already without complaint. It was like a magic trick. 

“See how you drink the mana whenever you can?” Felix asked as he chewed. “This is what keeps you from timing out too much between each spell you cast. It helps keep everything streamline and easier for other players to anticipate your actions. Cause you just don’t fucking stop doing something, then they’ll know to just keep an eye out the whole time. Constant action is the most predictable.”

“Thanks, Felix,” Jack said, not even bothering to actually try and learn any of this shit. He was too busy sneaking an egg roll into Felix’s bowl without him noticing. Felix ate it next, not missing a beat in pointing out the way Jack was supposed to organize his potions in his pack. Mark threw his fist into the air in a way Felix couldn’t see. Jack felt a little like they were winning.

“You’re still shit at this game,” Mark said to be an asshole and draw attention from how he was making a fourth bowl. Felix really could put it away when he wasn’t thinking about anything but video games. “Jack, I think we need to give you a crash course. Felix, get him started on the different classes, since he apparently chose mage at fucking random.” Mark shook his head and handed Jack a bowl of noodles. “Shame on you, Jack.”

“Don’t be too much of a jerk,” Jack said as he took Felix’s empty bowl and replaced it with the filled one. Again, Felix didn’t notice. He was looking through Jack’s armor stats. 

“Jack’s doing great considering it’s just the first few hours,” Felix agreed. He was eating the noodles with his fingers and Jack was a little disgusted, so he handed Felix a fork. Felix just took it and used it. This was like mind control. Jack was sure this power over Felix could easily be abused. “He’ll pick it up in no time. He’s a quick learner.”

“Thanks, buddy,” Jack said with a grin. “You’re just so sweet. I appreciate ye, Fe’.” He paused, glancing to Mark. There had to be some way to continue to distract Felix to the point where they could keep stuffing him. “So, uh. Didja get my texts?”

Felix nodded. “Ethan and Tyler. Can’t say I didn’t see it coming.”

“Literally everyone saw it coming,” Mark snorted. “Saw it coming like the moon in the fucking sky. And Tyler just fucking threw it out there like it was nothing, just asked Ethan at the lunch table with only half of us there. Ethan couldn’t even speak. It was so disappointing.”

Felix made a face. “What? How can it be disappointing? It’s terrifying to ask anyone out, especially if you’ve known them for a while. Scary as hell.”

“Felix, wanna be my date to the dance?” Jack blurted out. Felix could take it however he wanted to. Felix would likely take it as a joke. Fuck, now Jack had to make it a joke. “I’ll wear the dress this time. We can go out for shakes beforehand and request ‘Stand By Me’ for our dance. Some good ol’ Ben E. King for us, yeah?”

Felix grimaced. “I, uh. I don’t go to the dances anymore.”

That made sense until the “anymore” part. “Didn’t think ye’d ever really gone to them before,” Jack commented. “We thought they were shit.”

Felix shrugged. “I mean. I dated a guy. We went to a dance. Some, uh. Some stuff happened.”

Jack looked to him. “… No fly zone?”

“Please,” Felix replied stiffly. 

“Does ‘no fly zone’ mean we can’t talk about it?” Mark asked warily. “Because I think I remember stuff being said last year after prom. Is that what we’re not talking about?”

“Mark, stop,” Jack said, still watching Felix. There was this look coming over Felix’s face. His mind looked far away. This was the exact opposite of what Jack had wanted. “Hey, Felix,” he called out softly, bringing Felix back to them. “Wanna show me how t’ kill Mark?”

“Fucking gladly,” Felix said, just pulling the keyboard to himself and slaughtering Mark’s character onscreen. Jack could see a slight tremor in Felix’s fingers as he clicked the mouse button, and he wasn’t smiling the right way as Mark died. But the third bowl of food was nearly empty. Jack would take the good as it came. 

“My invitation still stands,” Jack told Felix as Felix then began to rearrange everything Jack had in his inventory to somehow make things easier. “I’ll take ye’ to the dance. I have t’ go cause of Mark and shit, so if ye’ wanna come…”

Felix shook his head. “Bad shit, Jack. I appreciate the gesture, but I’m going to stay as far as I fucking can from the school that night. It’s proven to be bad luck for me no matter what I do. I’m just gonna cut my losses and keep it close to the chest. No dances. Not even going into the fucking parking lot that night and nothing could make me. There could be a fucking apocalypse and the school is the only safe place and I still wouldn't be there that night.”

“Jesus,” Mark said. 

Jack nodded. “Am I at least invited to your totally super awesome party this Friday?”

“Thought you hated the parties.” Felix didn’t look at Jack. “Thought you thought they were stupid or dangerous or something. I thought you didn’t want anything to do with them.”

“I know what they’re for now.” Jack smiled. “I’d like t’ be there, to support ye’. Help where I can. Could be difficult to handle everyone if Michael needs ye’ during it. I wanna be there for ye’.” Jack rested a hand on Felix’s shoulder. “Let me be yer moral support.”

“Amy had a ton of fun last time, so I’d appreciate an invite as well,” Mark threw out. “Ethan and Tyler are gonna crash it regardless.”

Felix sighed. “Yeah, you guys can come if you want. Just…” Felix sighed. “Jack, don’t go near Michael. I can’t promise that Brad won’t try to punch you in the face or something, so you’re better off just keeping your distance.”

Jack nodded. He’d expected as much. “I’ll stay away from them,” he said. “Just be sure to reach out should ye’ need it.”

Felix finally tore his eyes from the screen and looked to Jack. He looked tired again. He just kinda at Jack for a long second, searching Jack’s face for something. “… You really want to help?” Felix asked. “I, I know you said so last week, but…”

“I am one hundred percent here t’ be yer one man support group,” Jack said sincerely. “Anything, anytime ye’ could ever need it. I will be there for ye’.”

Felix bit his lip. “Do you promise?”

Jack faltered, but only because he didn’t like the anxiety in the other’s eyes. “Felix, I swear t ye’ that if you call me, I’ll come running no matter what, acts of god aside. And if god does decide to finally show up again and shove himself into our shit, then it’ll just cause a little delay. Fight through the zombies and the hurricanes and lava for ye’. I promise it.”

Felix kept chewing on his lower lip, then held up his pinky finger. Jack suddenly became acutely aware of Mark’s presence just behind him, and how he’d probably be teased for this later. But Felix also looked so achingly vulnerable. More than anything, Felix needed a friend right now, one that was willing to do the embarrassing stuff just to go the extra mile for him. So Jack entwined his pinky with Felix’s and pat Felix shoulder with his other hand. “Anytime, Fe’. Really.”

Felix finally looked at ease. “Okay, so,” he began again, clearing his throat. “With your mage. Since you can’t really use melee weapons that well in the first place, it’s imperative that you have some super good defense, especially since you’re long range and won’t get much protection from the tanks and stuff.”

“And so I shouldn’t just run at them, wailing a merry song?” Jack asked, just to be a little shit. 

“Yeah, don’t fucking do that, no,” Mark snickered from behind. “Felix, show him how to cast healing shit, I have a feeling that’s all he’s gonna be good for.”

“Just roll need and get potions, fuck,” Felix huffed. “Jack will catch on, he has to.”

“I’m gonna be a big boy, Mark, just you watch!” Jack gloated. “With Felix as my teacher, we will defeat you! And I’ll be the best mage in the land. People will literally pay for me to be in their parties. I’ll make a ton of money, drop out of high school, pay for Felix’s and my flight to Bermuda, and then live happily ever after.”

Felix smiled a bit. Mark sputtered, looking offended, when Felix killed him again on screen. 

. . .

Jack walked to school Thursday morning after making Felix an early breakfast and sending him on his way. Felix had guessed he’d be back to school come Monday, as he couldn’t afford to miss as much as Michael could. Michael was apparently debating just getting his GED and dropping out. Jack hoped whatever Michael chose to do would bring Felix some peace. Felix had literally passed out last night— asleep the moment his head hit the pillow. The exhaustion had been like poison in Felix’s veins. Jack knew one good night’s sleep wouldn’t cure things, but it would be a start. 

Jack was feeling pretty good this morning as he approached the school. He was early because Felix had left sooner than he’d expected him too after a call from Brad, but that was fine. Jack had seen Mark’s car in the parking lot, so he wasn’t alone. Jack walked onto campus with a spring in his step. His phone dinged with a message.

_thx 4 the food <3_

Jack grinned to himself as he read Felix’s words. Just the simplest of messages, and yet Jack was instantly transported to cloud nine. Nothing could ruin this. 

“Seán.”

Jack looked up at the disturbing sound of his more-foreign name and frowned when he saw Mark. “Is something wrong?”

“I know what Kathryn was keeping from us,” Mark said. He didn’t look very good. “He… what has Felix told you about Ken?”

Jack stiffened. “Literally nothin’,” he said, not liking the only way this could go.

“Seán, Ken was the fucking golden boy of this school,” Mark told him. “Football all four years, team captain, homecoming king and everything. No one cared that he was bi because people loved him that fucking much, but dude. They absolutely hated Felix. They all thought Ken was scraping the barrel, that he could do so much better. And look, I really have no idea what happened, but whatever it was happened at prom, and no one saw Felix for a week after it. All I know is that they broke up from whatever it was.”

Jack looked down to where his phone was now in a white grip. Felix’s message was still there. “Did Ken hurt him?”

“I don’t know,” Mark said. “But I just saw him at the office.”

“Saw who?”

“Ken, Seán, I saw Ken,” Mark stressed. “I saw him at the fucking office, he's come back for homecoming because the football team is doing some bullshit for their so far undefeated season. Seán, Ken is going to be here for his whole fucking winter break.”

“Fe’, Felix isn’t at school,” Jack said, fumbling for something to make this okay.

“Seán.” Mark looked absolutely heart wrenched the more Jack looked at him. “He asked me about Felix. By name and everything.”

Jack almost threw his phone on the ground in a fit of protective fury. He stifled the reaction by digging his nails into his skin. “We have to tell Felix.”

“We can’t,” Mark choked out. “Kathryn was right! This’ll, this’ll fucking… He can’t handle all of this at once, I saw as much yesterday! Felix, Felix will literally die, Seán, we can’t fucking tell him, okay? We can’t tell him.”

Jack steeled his jaw. He knew Mark was right, that Felix wouldn’t be able to handle this. But Jack knew what he had to do. “I have to tell him.” He couldn’t keep this kind of secret from Felix. “Tomorrow, before the party.” That was when Felix had said they’d see each other again. “I’m telling him and ye’ can’t stop me.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea, Jack,” Mark denied, shaking his head. “There’s a chance that they won’t see each other. Maybe this’ll just blow over! It’s two weeks, we, we can convince Felix to stay away for a little longer, right? You can convince him.”

“I’m telling him,” Jack said firmly. “I owe him as much.”

Mark looked a little nauseous. “Seán, he… Felix can’t go through this. You don’t know what Ken did to him. All that shit Amy said about how she thought Felix was hurting himself. All of that dark stuff in Felix’s face. It all got worse when Ken was around, and we have no clue what Ken even did.”

“Then I’ll find out,” Jack said. “But for now, I’m done keeping things from him. He needs to know this, so he will.”

Mark looked like he really, really didn’t agree. “Seán—”

“If Robin or someone else were to show up, I’d want ye’ to tell me,” Jack said. “I know it’s not the same, but it doesn’t fucking matter. We’re not Felix’s keepers and we’re not in control of his life. The sooner he knows this, the better. And that’s just how it has to be. For his own good.”

Mark pulled at his hair. He looked around campus like he was lost. “When did everything get so fucked?” he asked in a small voice.

Jack grinned sardonically. “When did I come home?”

“Not soon enough, apparently,” Mark sighed. “If you’d just worked this shit out, like, a month before, things would be so much better. So, so much better.”

“Do ye’ know anything about what Ken did?” Jack pressed. He didn’t have time to beat himself up. “If ye’ know anything at all, ye’ need to tell me. Was it abusive? Was it, was it…” Jack shuddered. “Was it _rape_? What happened between them? And why the fuck did it come to a head at fuckin’ prom of all places? What were the rumors?”

“I know Ken humiliated him,” Mark said, shaking his head. “There was lying. I only say it was lying because the Felix I now know wouldn’t do the shit Ken said he did.”

“What did Ken say?”

“Ken said Felix cheated,” Mark explained. “No one knows with who, Ken just said he caught Felix with someone else. Someone then said that Felix got picked up for drugs and then blamed it on Ken, and then Ken said that Felix was sleeping with that someone for the drugs.” Mark shook his head again. “It’s awful stuff, Jack. Ken would say things about Felix that… That, whether or not they are true, will upset you. Because there is no way he could know about these things without doing something awful.”

Jack swallowed hard. “… Did you believe any of it?”

“How could I not, Jack? Ken was the fucking golden boy of the school, he was the guy who was gonna put us on the map in terms of football. He got a fucking scholarship for how good he was! Everyone liked him.” Mark paused. “ _I liked him._ He was nice to me. He heard me playing once and told me that I had a lot of talent. Ken… Ken wasn’t a bad guy. Not by a long shot.”

“But now…”

Mark winced. “Now that I know Felix, I know that Ken can’t be who I thought he was. And while it tears me apart to know this, I can’t deny the truth.”

Jack nodded tightly. “Good to know. Good.” He swiped at his nose, needing to move his hands. “If I ever meet this fucker, I’m gonna twist his nuts. Ye’ know that, right?”

Mark then grimaced. “Depending on what Felix tells you, I might just lend a hand.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really am just slamming these out like a motherfucker

“Wasn’t the party supposed to be at, like, six?" Mark asked, eyeing Felix’s house from Jack’s living room window. “It’s fucking four, Jack. What do these people do with their lives? Kathryn’s brother can’t be one of the losers who came here this early.”

There were at least ten cars lined up and down the street, and the music was pretty loud already, though Jack was sure that these early arrivers had to be friends with Brad and Emma more than Felix. Emma went to college and shit. She had to have plenty more friends than just the boys. 

Jack looked back to where he was tying his shoelaces, needing to do something to steady his hands. Amy was in his downstairs bathroom, to “put her face on,” as she called it. Tyler and Ethan was sitting hip to hip on the couch, watching some video on Tyler’s phone. Mark was pacing, counting the people that went into Felix’s house, and growing even more nervous than Jack already was. 

“How are you gonna tell him?” Tyler asked from the couch. Jack looked to him and debated teasing Tyler for the way he was holding Ethan to proactively to his side. But that would be a dick move and just Jack taking his nerves out on other people. Total dick move.

“Just gonna go up to him, say Ken’s here, offer him my support should he need it, and then go from there,” Jack sighed. 

“And if he takes it badly?”

Jack shrugged. “Dunno. I’ll hug him? I don’t have the fuckin’ slightest what went down between them.”

“Neither do we,” Ethan chimed in. “I heard that Felix got caught blowing some guy for drugs by the police. He lied and said Ken made him do it, and Ken got super upset. No charges were pressed cause Felix is a minor.” Ethan looked to Jack like he wasn’t saying shit that pissed Jack off to no fucking end. “I’m sure Felix didn’t suck dick for drugs, right?”

“Fuck you,” Jack snapped. His shoes were tied, and yet he was ready to pull the fucking shoe off and throw it at Ethan’s head. He swiped his wallet up from the dining table and slipped it into his back pocket. “How fuckin’ dare ye' even fuckin’ suggest that—”

“Jack, cool your tits,” Tyler deadpanned. He was covering Ethan’s mouth with his hand. “He's sorry.”

Jack scowled and kicked at the carpet. He looked up at saw Mark with his face pressed to the glass of the window. “Mark, are ye’ gonna sit down or should we just leave Amy behind before ye’ lose yer fuckin’ mind?”

“Jack, Felix’s truck is leaving the house.”

Jack plastered himself to the window beside Mark. Felix’s truck pulled out of the driveway, then lumbered down the street. “Fuck,” he muttered. “What the fuck do we do now?”

“Who’s ready to party?” Amy demanded with a wide grin as she burst from the bathroom. Jack’s brow shot up when he saw how she spun in a circle. Someone was obviously in this purely for the fun of it all. 

“Felix left,” Jack told her. “What the fuck are we gonna do?”

She didn’t miss a beat. “Party, you dumbass, that’s what I just said. We’ll just have a good time until he gets there, yeah? Get to know some new people. Have ourselves a good time.” She grinned easily again. “It’s a party, guys. You’re supposed to have fun at these things, even if you are being the bearer of bad news. Just loosen up. Enjoy yourselves. It’s about to go to shit, so enjoy it while it lasts.”

“That sounds like a terrible idea,” Jack told her.

“Guys, I have all of my makeup on, and this is the first time that has happened in months,” Amy said, hip cocked to the side, full of sass. “And this isn’t that crappy stuff you can get at Target, this is the waterproof, ‘I order it online and pay twenty dollars for shipping alone’ stuff. We are going to that damn party right now and we are having ourselves a good night.”

“I need to text Felix,” Jack said, pulling out his phone. He then put it away. He didn’t want Felix driving knowing about Ken. Tyler and Ethan hoisted themselves off Jack’s couch and pulled Mark away from where he was still glued to the window. When Jack saw Mark’s face, he groaned. “What now?” he asked. Mark looked upset again.

Mark shook his head. “Just have a bad feeling. But science tells me bad feelings are bullshit, just like astrology, so it has to be nothing, right?”

“R-right,” Jack affirmed shakily. “Yer girlfriend wants to go dancin’.”

Mark sighed and ran his hands over the sides of his jeans. “Then let’s get dancing,” he said. He offered his arm to Amy. “Ready?”

She giggled and kicked her leg up high, taking Mark by the arm. They crossed the lawn and Jack let them inside Felix’s place. There really were quite a few people, and Jack was surprised Felix had left all of these strangers to run around his house like it was nothing. “Wow, Felix really doesn’t give a shit,” Amy commented as she passed Jack to go into the kitchen. “Makes you think, yeah? He probably sees your place more as home than here.”

Jack just grimaced. “Text me if ye’ see him.” He knew he’d promised not to start anything, but he couldn’t deny himself just a glimpse of Michael. Regardless of how upset Jack was with the bullshit Felix had been fed, Jack did like the kid. And the kid had tried to die. That was a serious decision to make, one that couldn’t just be brushed over like it was nothing. He wanted to see Michael. Ask him how he was feeling, if he felt any worse off, if he needed anything. Jack would just have to avoid getting the lights punched out of him by Brad.

Jack glanced over the people to see if he recognized any faces. All of them were drinking, but he didn’t see any hard liquor out, so that was a good sign. Jack went upstairs, taking care to glance into open doorways before he passed them. He opened Felix’s bedroom door, then made to turn right back the fuck around and leave.

“Stop,” Brad said firmly. “Get the fuck back in here.”

Jack wanted to run. He so badly wanted to run. But he turned back around and faced Brad. 

The man could be horribly imposing when he wanted to be. The beard definitely added to the fear factor, especially when his arms were across his chest and his shoulders were squared back like a father about to threaten the life out of a boy that was after his daughter. Jack would’ve laughed if he weren’t so fucked. 

He could see Michael lying on Felix’s bed just beyond Brad. Dude looked pretty fucking fine for someone who had tried to kill himself the other week. Looked better than Felix. 

“The fuck are you doing here?” Brad demanded.

“Here to see Fe’,” Jack replied, trying to keep his tone as even and unintimidated as possible. “He, uh. We’ve been hanging out a lot lately. Just gotta make sure he eats, he hasn't been doing that lately. Need to make sure he sleeps.”

“He’s fine,” Brad snapped.

“Okay, uh, no?” Jack probably shouldn’t argue with Brad, but he wasn’t about to let anyone belittle Felix’s sacrifice. “Felix is a fuckin’ stick, dude. He hasn’t taken care of himself in months and it’s only gotten worse these past weeks. He literally passed out the other night from how tired he was. And I was able to get four bowls of food into him only because he hadn’t eaten in, like, two days. I can count his fuckin’ ribs. And I’m not blamin’ ye’, sayin’ ye’ let him starve or something, but he needs someone who’s looking out for him cause he can’t do it himself.”

“Felix doesn’t need you to watch over him like some fucking angel,” Brad said with a sneer. “You’re not his guardian, Jack. You’re not that important to him.”

“Lie, lie,” Michael said from the bed. He sounded half asleep, or mostly drugged out of his mind. “Very big lie.”

“Stay the fuck down, Michael, you’re not supposed to be awake yet,” Brad ordered. 

“Don’t talk to him like that,” Jack chastised. “And he’s right, ye’ know, I don’t see myself as some fucking glorified guardian angel to Felix. He’s got all of his own shit handled pretty well, if you’re gonna completely ignore his rib count and the bags under his eyes. He doesn’t need a guardian, he needs a friend, and as you’re preoccupied with other very important things, I’m just lending a hand where I can. I, I’m not trying to say you’re a bad friend, Brad. I’m not trying to say that you wouldn’t do what I am if you could. I’m just saying that you can’t due to circumstances beyond your control.”

“I have a hard time believe that,” Brad said. “Thanks to the lovely fact that you’ve been gone the past two fucking years, leaving Felix to dig himself into this hole of terrible decisions and coping mechanisms. If you had been here—”

“Not a day goes by when I don’t think the same,” Jack interrupted. “I’d give me fuckin left arm and leg to turn back time, but I’ve made peace with the fact that I can’t, and I’m workin’ towards fixin’ what I can change. And what I can change is Felix’s complete disregard for himself. So I’m going to keep feeding him, keep giving him a place where he feels comfortable enough to rest, and give him the companionship he needs. Because I’m his friend and that’s what friends are for.”

Brad narrowed his eyes. “You’re in love with him again.”

“Oh, wow, okay.” Jack’s mind stumbled over the words he’d had planned out to say next. None of them worked now. “Am I, uh. Am I that fucking transparent?”

“Literally obvious now that I’ve heard you talk about him.” Brad shook his head. “I’m not letting it happen. I’m not letting Felix make the same mistake again. You were the worst thing to ever happen to him and I am not about to stand back and let you ruin his life all over again. Do you understand me?”

“What happened to, to letting Felix make such decisions?” Michael asked from the bed. “He’s… he’s happier with Jack. He is much happier with Jack.” Michael lifted himself from the bed with great effort and smiled at Jack. Again, he looked so much better off than Felix. The very idea made Jack irrationally upset, though he wasn’t sure who he was upset with. “Just let them be friends and stuff, Brad. It won’t hurt anyone.”

“It’ll hurt Felix,” Brad snarled.

“We’re hurting Felix.” Michael stood up and stumbled a little. He took Jack by the arm. “Walk me to the bathroom, please,” Michael said. “I am feeling a bit dizzy and would like to throw up somewhere nicer than this bedroom.” He smiled again. “Please?”

Jack hesitated, not entirely sure if Brad would eviscerate him for taking Michael. But Michael moved on his own, pulling Jack along, and when Brad made to follow, Michael turned to narrow his eyes at Brad. “You stay,” Michael ordered. “I need to talk with, with Jack. I must speak with Jack. Alone.” 

Brad scowled. “Are you kidding me? There’s no fucking way I’m going to let you—”

“To late, we have gone!” Michael said, pulling Jack from the room and into the hallway bathroom. He shut the door behind himself and then gave Jack a friendly grin. “I really am going to be sick, I believe. Could you please help me get a cold cloth while I try to find the medicine?”

Jack just nodded, wetting a washcloth and watching Michael help himself to Felix’s medicine cabinet. Michael took the cloth and held it to the back of his neck as he popped back two painkillers. Then he sat down on the edge of the bathtub and pulled a blunt from his belt, lighting it and taking a long drag. 

“I try to smoke in bathrooms now,” Michael said. “Because the smell is easier to get rid of.” He reached behind himself and started the bath. “I wanted to speak with you.”

“So you said,” Jack replied, leaning against the counter and crossing his arms over his chest. “Brad’s gonna kill me no matter what’s said between us, so I’m not really sure if it’s even all that important. But I’m sure the longer I’m in here, the madder he’ll get. What’ve ye’ got t’ say?”

Michael let smoke fall from his nose. “… I am sorry for what I’ve done to Felix. I would like you to know that.”

Jack sighed and let his arms fall to his sides. “Okay.”

“I am saying the truth,” Michael insisted. “I do not really believe what I had done was wrong. But I did not enjoy the way Felix was hurt by my action. Actions. I did not like how upset he was when he saw me after and I know that the fault is my own. So I wanted to tell you that I am sorry for hurting someone so close to you.”

“You’re not sorry for hurting your friend, you’re sorry for hurting _my_ friend?” Jack made a face. “That’s mental.”

“I am not, as you would say, in a healthy state of mine,” Michael said sheepishly. “And I likely never will.” He took in a long drag. “Do not tell Felix this, but I do wish to put myself into asylum once I am of age.”

Jack’s eyes went wide. “A mental health facility?”

“Or something of the like, yes,” Michael affirmed. “I believe you to be the only one in the right. I cannot be helped by my friends, and thus, I should not expect it of them. Felix is nearly dying and Brad and Emma are already arguing when they’re a month into marriage. I am more of a burden to my friends than a friend in itself and it saddens me. I wish to get better, and I know that I cannot turn to my friends for that. I must seek professionals who are not afraid to make me do the things that could hurt.”

Jack stared at Michael. “… That’s very mature of you, Michael.”

“Yes, well.” Michael blew smoke into the air. “I know my health better than any of them. I know that I cannot be helped by kind words and gentle reassurances and drugs. But I also know that, that while Felix understands this better than Brad or Emma, he does not like to think he has failed me. He blames himself for quite a few things, you know.”

“Too many things,” Jack affirmed with an unpleasant frown. 

“He is very stupid like that,” Michael said. “I wish he would realize that he cannot carry us all. But that is why I am glad you are, are home. You are very good for him. Brad is wrong. You are good for Felix.” Michael smiled brightly. “I wish to help you if you need it in getting Felix to, to admit he is in love with you again. I would like to help make this happen in any way that I can.”

“I, uh, appreciate that,” Jack said. “Do you… I mean, do you have some suggestions? All I’ve got now is proving to him that I’m gonna be here for him no matter what. All I can do is show that to him over and over. Do you have any better ideas?”

Michael grinned, barring his teeth wide with excitement . Michael leaned in closer, a conspiratorially glint in his eye. “Felix _loves_ it when you touch him,” he told Jack. Jack went pink at the cheeks. “Not anyone else. Not like he loves it with you. He can be weird about touching sometimes, but he will never, ever be anything but happy if you touch him. He tells me he feels things inside when you’re around, when you show him you want his touch through your own. He’s obsessed with how you feel.”

“I can’t just go groping him in public,” Jack said as the pink spread to his ears. 

“No, but you can do other things.” Michael leaned back again, looking so proud of himself. “Pin him with your eyes, Jack. Get between him and all others as slyly as you can. Grab him by the arm or the side or even the back of his neck. Make him know that you are there, and that you are a physical presence he must be aware of. Being dependable is how you fix the, the friendship. Being physical is how you fix the sex.”

Jack’s entire face was hot at this point. “And, uh.” He cleared his throat. “And the romance part?”

Michael blinked. “Huh?”

“How do I fix the romance?” Jack asked. “The romantic feelings? I am all for the sex, believe me. Felix is gorgeous, I’m a warm blooded male, I can put two and two together. But how do I make Felix believe me when I say I love him?”

Michael made a face. “I… am not understanding.”

Jack groaned. “Michael, ye’ do understand the difference between love and sex, right?” He wasn’t sure if that was a bad thing to ask a fucking rape victim, but he had to say it anyways. 

“Of course I do,” Michael affirmed, to Jack’s relief. “But Felix. Felix sees both. If you touch him like I say you should do, he won’t see it as just sexual. He, he had bad things happen with Ken. He sees romance and sex as the same thing.”

Jack wanted to break something. All he could think about was how that man, who had apparently altered Felix, was back and parading around, asking for Felix by name. Jack threaded his fingers in his hair, before running a hand over his face and kicking the wall as hard as he could without denting any plaster. Michael barely even jumped. “Why are you upset?”

“When is Felix coming back?” Jack asked. “I need to tell him something.”

“Is everything okay?” Michael asked.

Jack shook his head. “It’s something bad.”

Michael snorted. “I am not entirely sure you could come up with anything worse than what we are already having.”

Jack grimaced. “Look, I… I don’t know what he wants to do about it, so I don’t feel comfortable telling anyone else. I’m really sorry, okay? But I’m doing what’s right by him from now on, and that’s my only rule. I have to go to him first because depending on what he wants to do, only he should know.”

Michael made a face. “I don’t like you being right. Much annoyance.”

Jack managed a smile. “Could you do me a favor, Michael?”

Michael looked to him expectantly, still smoking. 

“Could you tell him what ye’ve told me?” Jack asked. “About how you’re sorry. Not, not immediately, especially if ye’ don’t feel like ye’ can. But one day. He needs to know that ye’ didn’t want to hurt him. Cause even if he says he knows ye’ didn’t, he still thinks you did. Blaming him for what you did fucked him up, even if ye’ never meant it like he heard it. You know how he can be.”

Michael nodded and stood. He opened the door for Jack. Jack was surprised to not see Brad standing there with an ear pressed to where the door used to be. “I shall tell him,” Michael promised. “Sooner than you think.”

Jack nodded his gratitude in return and slipped past Michael, heading back downstairs. As he took in the amount of people that had entered the house in the short time that he had been upstairs, Jack realized that he didn’t actually know what Ken looked like. Jack’s eyes swept over all of the nameless faces and his heart sunk. He wouldn’t know Ken if the man came up to him and slapped him across the face. 

Jack sighed and walked through the house. He wasn’t surprised when he passed the kitchen and saw Amy speaking animatedly with Mark and a few other people Jack vaguely recognized from around school. He then looked into the living room and saw Ethan trying to walk along the back of the sofa. Jack scowled and wanted to stop him, because he knew even Felt would be a little pissed off. The sofa was clean and Ethan’s shoes most certainly were not. Still, Ethan was having his fun, showing off party tricks, and Tyler was getting to get handfuls of Ethan’s ass under the guise of steadying his trapeze walk. 

Jack looked around the house again and found nothing. He wished Felix had returned, but he was sure nothing could happen before then. 

“Looking for someone?”

Jack looked to his left and saw a tall guy with a bushy beard and kind eyes. Jack smiled tightly, not really eager to make friends since he didn’t know the face of his enemy. “Dude, you seem lost,” the guy insisted. “And no one should look lost at a party. That's just a bad reflection on the host and the other guests. We’re all supposed to be friends here, making merry.” God, that smile was charming. “Who’re you looking for?”

“My friend,” Jack said, still wanting to keep it to the belt.

The guy nodded. “Well, only dude I don’t see here that should be is Felix, so…” Jack’s gaze snapped to the stranger. The guy laughed. “Dude, everyone knows Felix. He’s the one always throwing these things. Used to be for his friends and stuff, not sure why he still throws them, though. But they’re good fun.”

“Who are you?”

“Charles,” the guy replied. “Call me Charlie.”

“Charlie,” Jack said slowly, testing out the name to the face. It didn’t really work, but what person looked like their name? Jack had changed his, for pete’s sake. He knew all about the limited merit of a name. “How do you know Felix, Charlie?”

“Like I said. These parties tend to be a thing.” Charlie shrugged. “You know people who know more people who know when and where to be. I just so happen to know Brad. Old friend from school, you know.”

“I didn't see you at the last party,” Jack said.   
“I didn’t see you either.” Charlie smirked. “That’s the thing about parties. You tend not to remember a face unless you make a point to do so. And I know I didn’t see you last time. I would’ve remembered a face like yours.”

There was a quirk to the charming smile Charlie was wearing, and that was the only way Jack was able to realize he was being flirted with. Jack startled, fully intending on cutting this off immediately. He needed to make sure Ken wasn’t here and he needed to get to Felix. “You go to school with Felix or something?” Charlie asked him before Jack could excuse himself. “I’ve explained my origin story. What’s yours?”

“Old friend from school,” Jack said, parroting the guy, hoping to show him he wasn’t interested. 

“Dude, that’s crazy!” Charlie grinned. “We went to the same school, then.” That didn’t add up. Brad didn’t go to their high school. “I gotta say, I don’t miss the place. Plenty of shitty teachers, especially that one catholic bitch who ran this kid away. Did you hear about that? Happened a year or two ago. Really sad stuff, especially for the LGBT community around here. They would’ve picketed if the woman hadn’t been fired.”

“I’ve got to go,” Jack said sharply. “I’m sorry, it’s really been nice talkin’ with ye’, but I’ve got to find me friend.”

Charlie frowned like he was curious. “Where’s that accent from? England?”

“Ireland,” Jack corrected stiffly. “See ye’ around.” He turned to leave too quickly to be inconspicuous, but something about that guy felt wrong. Then Charlie began to follow him. 

“Dude, Ireland!” Charlie gasped. “That’s so cool! I fucking love a good accent, especially the Irish ones. Wasn’t the Irish accent voted the world’s sexiest accent a year or something ago? I can definitely see why.” The smile Charlie was still wearing was starting to give Jack chills. Jack liked to think of himself as a good judge of character. He knew something was very wrong. “You know, I knew someone who, like, nearly dated an Irish guy. Too bad, too. They would’ve made a cute couple.”

“Can I help ye’ with something?” Jack asked, glancing over his shoulder as he slowly made his way through the thickening crowd. He felt like he needed to call for help or something equally ridiculous. Charlie was just a creep that wouldn’t shut up, not a threat. Great judge of character or not, Jack couldn’t explain the instinctual need to run. “I’ve got to get to me fr—“

“Your friend, Felix, yeah,” Charlie said, brushing Jack’s words off like they were nothing. “I totally heard you the first time, dude, but I wanna hear more of that accent! This is a party, man! Lighten up! Everyone knows what happens at parties.”

“And what exactly is that?” Jack demanded, whirling around. He was at the front door now, ready to just leave the house and wait for Felix outside, even from the safety of his own home if he had to. His back was to the door— he felt safer with this exit directly available. 

Charlie shrugged, putting his hands into his pockets. “You know. People hook up.”

Jack barked out a laugh. “Ye’ think I’m gonna hook up? With you?” Jack shook his head. “Not in yer fuckin’ dreams, pal. Ye’ain’t me type.”

“And who is your type, Seán?” Charlie asked, his smile suddenly a lot less charming. Jack stared at this man in front of him, this tall, strong, formidable man that could probably break his arm if he wanted, could definitely force Jack into something terrible with brute strength alone. There was a darkness to his eyes that Jack couldn’t equate to his belief in the general moral good of humanity. 

Jack paled as the door opened behind him. 

“… Ken?”

Felix’s stricken voice was the only thing that snapped Jack out of his own shock. He turned to face Felix, acutely aware that he was the only thing between Felix and the man Felix obviously feared so much. And despite the fact that Jack was scared too, standing between Felix and Ken felt like exactly where Jack was meant to be. 

Jack turned back around to face Ken. “I don’t know what the fuck your game is,” Jack began, his voice dangerous. “Playing a part, playing _Charlie_.”

“My middle name,” Ken explained, looking proud of himself. 

“Clever,” Jack spat. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Ken gestured behind Jack. “I’m here to see him. Meeting you was just this weird bonus. I’ve heard so much about Seán. It’s an honor and an insult to make your acquaintance.” Ken shook his head. “The whole time, I was just a rebound from you. It’s literally demeaning. Not to be vain, but I deserved better.”

“Get the fuck out of Felix’s house,” Jack snarled, widening his stance.

“This is him?” Ken asked, raising his voice. People were starting to take notice of the commotion in the front of the house. “This is the guy?”

“Ken, dude!” Some random girl who looked like she could knock Jack onto the ground with a wave of her hand stepped forward. “Everything okay, man?”

“I can’t believe you would do this, Felix,” Ken accused, taking a step back to literally welcome an audience to watch. “It’s one thing to cheat on me, it’s another thing to threaten my fucking future, but having the guy you slept with on my fucking birthday here? When I’m reaching out to you! Trying to rebuild what we had! How could you do this?”

The girl narrowed her eyes at Jack. “Is this the guy, Ken?”

“It’s fine,” Ken said, tightening his voice. “This, this is between me and Felix.”

“If this is the guy you told us about, then this is between fucking all of us,” she insisted. Jack suddenly caught on to what Ken was doing. The man was a superb actor; a master manipulator. Jack could literally feel the crowd start to turn against Felix with little provocation. He couldn’t imagine what Ken had done to brainwash so many to be so readily at his side, but the very thought was sickening. These people didn’t know the kind of monster they were standing behind. 

“Felix, I can’t…” Ken could apparently make himself tear up. It was probably the only way Ken could make himself even less threatening than Felix, who was literally cowered against the door. “I just wanted to see you again, Felix. I wanted to see you one last time, and you knew that, you said you understood! That you wanted to see me too!”

“I never said—”

“And now you’re lying to me again!” Ken interrupted. “Felix, you told me you were going to make things right! I, I can’t keep doing this with you! I can’t keep going through this! Don’t you see that I love you? Don’t you see what happens, what you do to me when you do these things? You’re tearing me apart, Felix!”

“You need to leave,” the girl told Felix with a sneer, stepping forward like she had the right to show Felix out of his own house. Felix looked to Ken, scared and hurt and unable to get a word out. So Jack stepped in and put himself between Felix and the girl too. 

“No, you need to leave,” He growled, going up on his toes to get in her face. “Ye’ need to get yer fuckin’ asshole cunt of a friend the fuck out of Felix’s home! Get yer fuckin’ ass movin’ before I call the fuckin’ cops!”

“Get the fuck out of my face, you piece of shit,” she said. She shoved Jack hard enough to slam him into the wall, and another guy came up beside Jack, taking him by the front of his shirt. “Ken, what do you want us to do with him?” she asked.

“What’s happening?” Mark asked, moving into Jack’s line of sight. He shoved the guy off of Jack, looking to Ken like Ken would have some sort of answer. “What are you doing with Jack?”

“I need to talk to Felix,” Ken said, giving Felix a stare that was almost predatory, even through those fake tears. “I need a few moments alone with him.”

“Over my fuckin’ dead body!” Jack shouted, thrashing out against the brute holding him back. “Don’t ye’ fuckin’ get near him!” Jack was red as Ken ignored Jack. Ken moved past where Jack was being pinned, pausing long enough to look at him with this broken expression, like he was hurt or something by Jack’s near presence. But Jack could see past it, could see deep down.

See, Jack has known a lot of bad people in his time. He’s seen the random people passing him in the streets, the drunks in the pubs, the woman under the stairs, and the mother that could abandon her child. He knew what a bad fucking person looked like, and even through those stupid fucking tears, Jack could see the wrongness in Ken’s eyes. There was something unhinged, something that told Jack he could not leave Felix alone with this man no matter fucking what. So he thrashed out again, his fist hitting something fleshy, and Jack was able to pull away, able to throw himself against Felix and take up the last few inches of space between Ken and Felix. 

Ken scowled, reaching out with a huge hand. Jack stood firm, even as Ken’s head suddenly snapped to the side with the rest of his body as Brad smashed his fist into Ken’s jaw. That girl cried out something fierce, then Brad had her across the fucking face too. Brad faced Jack, looking like some sort of demon himself, breathing hard with blood on his knuckles as Ken collected himself just behind them.

“Get Felix out of here,” Brad said. He sounded way too calm. “I’ll handle this.”

Jack could only nod as he took Felix by the arm and pulled him from the house, running down the lawn. “My car, my car,” Mark said, behind Jack with jingling keys. “Get Felix in.” Jack pushed Felix into the back of the car and then slid into the passenger as Mark started the engine. Jack was only halfway in the car when it started moving. 

“What are you doing?” Felix asked him, his voice wobbling like a top. “I want…” Felix trailed off, sinking into the seat. There was something wild in his eyes. Jack was sure Felix would have just tried to run somewhere safe if he weren’t in a moving vehicle. “Jack, Jack, we have to go back.”

“Holy fuck, does Brad kill people professionally?” Jack asked. How else would that explain the MMA-worthy right arm? “Does Brad murder people?” Mark just shook his head. He looked a little on edge too. 

“Mark, turn around,” Felix repeated. His voice was trembling almost as badly as his whole body. Jack wasn’t sure if he was feeling the car vibrate, or Felix. “Jack, make him turn the car around.”

“I can’t,” Jack choked out. “Not…” 

“I’m calling Brad,” Felix said, pulling out his cell.

“Brad’s fuckin’ fighting for his life, Fe’.”

Felix dropped his phone to his lap. He looked helpless. Lost. Young. Far too young. Jack didn’t know what to do. The car they were driving in was Mark’s and only familiar to them. Felix was in some strange car after having been ran out of his own home. There was something incredibly unlucky about Felix’s entire life. 

“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’re gonna take ye’ somewhere safe.”

“Safe?” Felix sat up. “Jack, you saw him. You saw that fucking psycho! He, he was in my house! He’s still in my house!” Felix turned to face Jack, leaning over the center console. Jack wanted him to buckle his seatbelt. “Mark, you have to turn around. He’s in my house and _Michael’s_ in there. _Your friends are still in there._ We have to go back.”

“Ken wants nothin’ ta’ do with them,” Jack said. “Sit down and put your buckle on.”

“You’re not listening to me—”

“ _Sit down and put your fuckin’ buckle on._ ”

Felix dropped back into the seat, crossing his arms over his chest. His hands hooked to his shoulders. It made him look more vulnerable than defensive. 

“Where are we going?” Mark asked after a moment of tense silence. “Where am I driving to?”

“I don’t know,” Jack said. 

“Fuck, Jack…”

There was a sniffle from the back, and Jack didn’t like how he was familiar with the sounds of Felix crying. Jack turned in his seat, tired of looking at Felix through the mirror. Felix didn’t look really sad, which was a good thing. He looked more pissed than anything. He looked like he’d strangle someone if they were close enough. 

“I fucking hate him,” Felix spat. “I hate him so much.”

Jack's phone went off. He answered, still watching Felix. “Yeah?”

“ _This is Michael._ ” Like Jack could mistake that Austrian accent for anyone else. “ _Brad wished for me to call you and tell you that you should arguably take Felix out of town, as the police have been called._ ”

“The fuckin’ cops?” Jack ran a hand through his hair. “… I have Mark here. How’s Amy? Ethan and Tyler?”

“ _They have left,_ ” Michael said. “ _Many have, as none wanted to be here for the police._ ”

“Are ye’ okay?”

“ _Of course I am,”_ Michael said. “ _I was not part of the fight, and Ken seems to want nothing to happen. Brad still wants to hurt him, but I do not believe charges will be pressed against anyone. Everything will be fine, we just want to suggest that you take Felix somewhere else for a while._ ”

“The fuck does that even mean?” Jack demanded. 

“ _I am not sure. But you should do it regardless._ ”

“It’s not like it’s just me and Felix in here, we fuckin’ have Mark,” Jack explained. “This is Mark’s fuckin’ car! I don’t have a license and Felix can’t fuckin’ drive with the way he’s shaking. We can’t just pick up and go somewhere!”

“I don’t mind going somewhere,” Mark chimed in. 

“We have to turn around!” Felix almost shouted. 

“ _Tell Felix to calm down,” Michael said gently. “ _Ask Mark to take you to a bus stop, if you must. But I do not think Felix needs to be in this town at the moment. And if he is out of town, then Ken cannot find him._ ”_

_“He can’t just run away.”_

_“ _But he cannot stay._ ” Michael sighed. “ _I know it is asking a lot of you. I just do not believe he should be here for this, for as long as possible. A weekend would be nice, Jack. If you have the time, could you please help keep him away from the town for the weekend?_ ”_

_If Jack could have his way, he’d take Felix from this town forever. Jack didn’t want to ask this of Mark. He took a long pause to think. Mark sighed, tapping on the steering wheel. “Jack, I really don’t mind if you need us to go anywhere, and for however long. Just wanna make sure I’m back in time for the dance. Amy’s got it in her head that I’m not going to trip over her during the cha-cha slide this year.”_

_“I hate t’ ask ye’ for this,” Jack said. “This can’t be what ye’ wanted.”_

_“Where am I going, Jack?” Mark asked, sounding far kinder than Jack deserved. Jack paused again to think._

_“Atlanta’s nice,” he said after a moment. “Could get a hotel. I’ve me wallet, I’ll pay since I’m already puttin’ ye’ out so much. Just find a nice place with a few beds and get some real rest. The sun is only just setting. We’ll make it to Atlanta before dinner.”_

_“Don’t I have a say in this?” Felix asked from the back._

_“You don’t,” Jack said firmly, shutting him down. He went back to the phone. “Mark and I are takin’ him to Atlanta for the weekend. Keep us updated?”_

_“ _Absolutely,_ ” Michael said, sounding like he was smiling a little. “ _Thank you very much, Jack._ ”_

_“Stay safe,” Jack said. “Don’t let Brad end up in prison.”_

_Michael giggled and hung up. Jack sighed and set the phone away, then looked back to Felix again. The boy only looked even angrier. Jack didn’t have a hard time imagining why, of course. Felix’s life was literally out of his own hands at this point. Jack grimaced. “We’re going to Atlanta, Fe’. Gonna get a room and just relax for a day or two.”_

_“Fuck you,” Felix bit out. There were tears in his eyes again. Jack knew Felix wasn’t angry at him._

_“No need to use harsh words,” Mark said. “We’re just gonna have ourselves a good time while things are handled back home. You know, get some room service, a hot shower, one of those free robes. Some TLC. Like an adventure with cozy beds!”_

_“ _Jag är trött på äventyr,_ ” Felix said. _

_Mark faltered. “I… I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.”_

_“Just ignore him,” Jack said. “He doesn’t speak English when he’s upset. It’s how he fucks you over.” Jack pulled up his phone again. “I’m gonna make a reservation real fast. Ye’ know the general way to the city, yeah?”_

_“Roger that,” Mark replied vaguely._

_Jack nodded and finished making his hotel reservation. He went with a four star place because Felix wasn’t someone he would ever cheap out on. A glance over his shoulder showed that Felix was still upset. The worst part of this drive hadn’t even happened yet._

_“Felix,” Jack began carefully. “I… I need to talk to you about Ken.”_

_“No fly zone,” Felix snapped._

_“Well, I’m sorry, Fe’, but it’s lookin’ like this no fly zone is gonna have to become more of a DMZ than anything. Cross into it once, then never again. I swear, I won’t ask after this. Ye’ just have t’ tell me what I need t’ know.”_

_“You don’t need to know anything.”_

_Jack gave a heavy sigh and then unbuckled, climbing into the back of the car. Mark let out this weird noise of protest, and Jack nearly kicked him in the face, he was sure, but he dropped into the back beside Felix regardless of how dangerous that had been. Felix barely even looked at Jack._

_“You shouldn’t have done that,” Felix said to the seat in front of him._

_Jack hadn’t really remembered Felix’s past with cars. “Shouldn’t have climbed? I mean, yeah, that much is obvious, but Mark’s a good enough driver, it’ll be—”_

_“You shouldn’t have gotten between me and Ken.” Felix shook his head. “Or that girl. Or anyone. You shouldn't have gotten between us.”_

_Jack bit his lip. “Honestly, Fe’? Between you and the people who want to hurt you is exactly where I’m supposed to be.”_

_“We’ve talked about this, Jack. Dying for love isn’t martyrdom.”_

_Jack grinned. “I knew ye’ believed me when I said I loved ye’.”_

_“Yeah,” Felix huffed. “What are friends for?”_

_Jack bit his lip when Felix fell decidedly silent. “… Felix. What did Ken do?”_

_Felix sighed through his nose. “… What’re my chances of surviving if I jump out of this car?”_

_“Felix, whatever he did, whatever he said. None of it’ll change how I think of ye’. How much I care about ye’.” Jack reached out, closing the small distance between them. He rested his hand on Felix’s thigh. “You’re not whoever he made ye’ to be.”_

_“I can always put in headphones if you’d prefer me not hearing,” Mark offered from the front._

_“Don’t make him do that, Fe’,” Jack beseeched. “He’s already driving us to Atlanta.”_

_“I don’t want to fucking go to Atlanta!” Felix cried out, getting angrier by the second. Jack felt like he was saying all of the wrong things right now. He wasn’t sure how to fix whatever damage he’d already done. “Jesus christ, will you just… Please turn around. You said it yourself, I can’t keep running away.”_

_“I’m sorry, Felix, but as the man behind the wheel, I want to let you know that I have no intention of turning this car around.” Mark glanced back to force a smile. “Again, I am sorry. But I think Jack and Michael and Brad know what they’re talking about.”_

_“You were friends with Ken,” Felix said. “Why the fuck are you helping me?”_

_“Because Ken probably wasn’t the guy I knew,” Mark said. “You knew him better than most anyone. Knew him intimately. So the Ken I knew was just scratching the surface. That’s why I have no problem saying that I was wrong to see him as a good person. Good people don’t do what Ken did to you back there.”_

_“He was just saying stuff,” Felix said.  
“And whatever he was saying made you look like you wanted to die, Felix,” Mark said bluntly. “A good person doesn’t say the kind of things that make someone look like that. Especially not on purpose. That’s just the most fucked up thing I’ve seen in a high schooler do. So maybe I don’t know the whole story, but I know Ken can’t be any good.”_

_Felix’s jaw tightened. “I don’t know what you guys are making such a big deal about. He only said shit. That’s all he’s ever done, is say shit. He’s never actually done anything to me.”_

_“Ye’ sure?” Jack asked softly. He had to be really careful here. Felix was undoubtedly familiar with sexual assault, but that didn’t mean Jack would be okay with Felix having been the one to go through it. “He didn’t, like… He didn’t force ye’ into anything?” Mark looked disturbed up in the front seat. Jack felt a little colder just thinking about it._

_Felix made a face. “Do you really think I can’t defend myself?”_

_“I think you can be manipulated into doing a good amount of awful things to yourself by people ye’ care about.” Jack paused. “… Am I wrong?”_

_Felix didn’t argue. “He never touched me like that,” he bit out instead, forming the sentence like each word was a promise. “I never turned him down, so it wasn’t like he needed to force it.”_

_Jack still didn’t like how that sounded. But Felix looked ready to punch someone, and Jack would rather it wasn’t him. So he sighed and nodded to Mark’s reflection. “Why don’t we just sit back and enjoy the ride?” he suggested. “It’s an hour to Atlanta, and the hotel is near the aquarium. We should check the place out should we have the time.”  
Felix narrowed his eyes at Jack suspiciously. “Just like that?”_

_“Just like what?”_

_“You’re done asking?”_

_Jack shook his head. “You didn’t tell me what I needed to know, so I’ll probably ask again. But for now, I’d rather not lose me head. Also, why the hell would Mark want to see that? Mark’s a pacifist.”_

_“I am not!” Mark denied, offended. “I’ll smack you right in the gabber! Swear on me mum!”_

_Felix looked confused. “… You’re really not going to push?”_

_“I’ve pushed a bit too much, haven’t I?” Jack grimaced. “I’m sorry, Fe', I know ye’ve had a hard time and I know I haven’t made it better. But I’m gonna cut ye' some slack tonight, okay? It’s just gonna be a nice weekend for us. Just a day or so for you to relax and recollect and eat some good food.”_

_Felix narrowed his eyes. “You’ve got some sort of fetish, don’t you?”_

_Up front, Mark choked on a laugh. The car swerved a little because Mark was a giggly bitch. Jack kicked the back of Mark’s seat as he flipped Felix off. “Fuck you both,” he said. “I don’t have a fuckin’ fetish.”_

_“Everyone has a fetish, Jack,” Felix said patiently, like a parent teaching their child._

_“Yeah, Jack,” Mark giggled. “E-everyone has a fetish.”_

_“Care to share, then, Mark?” Jack challenged._

_“No.” Mark was starting to wheeze with how hard he was giggling. “God, no. You, you don’t get to learn my fetishes Jack. Go away.”_

_“Share the share, then.” Jack was out for blood. “Felix? Your fetish?”_

_“Swedish vodka and a hairy nipples,” Felix responded immediately. Jack made a face and Felix cracked the barest of grins. “What, Jack? Disappointed you can’t give me what I need?”_

_“Hey!” Mark barked. “No flirting in my backseat!”_

_“I can get Swedish vodka anywhere,” Jack snorted. “And trust me, I’ve got the hairy nipples in the bag.” Felix laughed this time, shaking his head and scrunching his nose up in adorable disgust. “Ever done vodka shots out of a bellybutton, Felix? Sexy shit.”_

_“What the fuck, have you?” Felix returned. Jack shrugged. He had. He definitely fucking had, and now he was mostly surprised that Felix hadn’t. Felix looked a little freaked out the more he thought about whatever he was thinking about. “Was it… Was it that Robin kid?”_

_“What if it was?” It totally was. “You jealous, Fe’?”_

_“That sounds so unsanitary,” Mark confessed. “Like, unless that person has the cleanest fucking bellybutton, I’m not drinking from it. They need to, like, bleach it first. Use a toothbrush, just really get up in there.” Felix looked even more uncomfortable as Mark described scrubbing the bellybutton vigorously. “Can you imagine what bacteria could live in there?”_

_“Wouldn’t the vodka, like, kill all of it?” Jack asked. “The alcohol and stuff. It totally kills the shit you’re freakin’ out about.”_

_“How did I go from being cornered in my house by my psycho ex to sitting in a car with you weirdos, talking about the sanitary merits of belly shots?” Felix asked. “I was just about to yell at you. I was about to yell and maybe roll out of the car, but instead I’m laughing about fetishes and drinking.” Jack reached out and slapped Felix’s knee._

_“Power of friendship, Felix,” he said simply. “We could disarm bombs if we wanted to.”_

_That thing happened in Felix’s eyes again, where the smile became lesser and the shine was gone. Jack felt like he finally understood what that meant, but he knew he could do nothing about it right then. Felix needed to think about himself and that was it. Jack could wait. He rested his hand on Felix’s thigh again, staying silent this time. And miraculously, the touch made Felix relax. A peaceful quiet fell between them._

_“So, uh. Are you gonna keep flirting or can I stop recording?” Mark asked from the front, holding up his phone that had the voice recording app open. “Just cause, you know. Battery and stuff.”_

_“I fuckin’ hate you,” Jack said._

_“I want a copy,” Felix said._

_“We’ll analyze it in its entirety at the hotel,” Mark said as a compromise. “For now, I need someone to find my AUX cord, because this car is way too quiet for an hour drive, and I will lose my mind.”_


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 17 is my favorite number
> 
> check bottom notes for the translation of felix's little speech. it's a little wonky cause i'm still at elementary level swedish, but i did my best :)

“Okay, but this is a really nice place,” Mark said as they stepped into the hotel room Jack had reserved. It was swankier than Jack had expected, much more open than the Comfort Inn. The two beds were kings and the sheets had to be at least three hundred count. There was a giant TV, a mini fridge, a coffee machine, a huge fucking bathroom with a large shower, and a balcony. Jack had the place for two nights because that had been the coupon. He planned on calling his mother and begging for the weekend so they could stay. “Jack, how did you afford this?”

“Dude, I have savings,” Jack snorted. “I worked back in Ireland and didn’t do enough shit to spend it. Just bought games and shit.” He shrugged. “Figured spending a little extra would be worth it.”

“I don’t have a change of clothes,” Felix said, looking a little dazed. The drive here had been mostly quiet after the music had finally been figured out, and it seemed to have worn Felix out. The adrenaline had obviously faded, leaving Felix tired. Jack almost wanted to offer a totally hetero-friendly massage. Just cause. 

“We sleep in our underwear! Like real men!” Mark exclaimed, shoving a fist into the air. He grinned at Jack like an idiot. “Everyone knows there’s nothing manlier then a bunch of dudes all sleeping together in nothing but their skivvies. All that testosterone under the blankets. Manly shit right there.”

“That’s gay as hell, dude,” Jack snorted, pushing Mark onto the comforter. “I call the bed by the window.”

“I really don’t care which bed you claim, since I will be having whichever bed it is all to myself,” Mark said haughtily. “No offense, Felix, but you and I are still in the friend-zone. I just don’t feel comfortable sharing a bed with you when there’s a much more interested third party standing on the sidelines.”

Jack glared at Mark. Mark winked at him. Felix was too tired to notice any of this. “Can I take a shower?” Felix asked. He looked very uncomfortable.

“Of course, Fe’,” Jack told him. He reached out and took Felix by the upper arm, just kinda holding. Michael’s advice was stuck in his brain. The Austrian had basically given Jack permission to touch Felix as much as he fucking could, at all times, and Jack was going to take advantage of it. He was pretty sure he loved touching Felix just as much as Felix loved being touched. Felix looked down to where Jack’s hand was with a glazed look in his eyes. Jack felt Felix lean into the touch. “Take however long ye’ want,” Jack said softly. “This weekend is for you. You can use all the hot water if ye’d like, I won’t complain.”

“Yeah, take a super long shower,” Mark chimed in. “Maybe even a bath, see if you can get enough shampoo out of those bottles for a bubble bath. Give yourself a deep tissue massage. Maybe yank one out. Don’t censor yourself, just scream out whoever’s name you want.”

Felix looked a little more freaked out, and Jack glared at Mark again. “Dude,” he said as Felix pulled away to disappear into the bathroom. “Please stop pushing,” Jack pleaded. “He doesn’t… Look, maybe I’m growing comfortable with what I feel, but he can’t process all this shit at once. It’s too much for one person.”

“He doesn’t need to process what he’s been living with for years,” Mark argued.

“He hasn’t been living with it for years, I just got back.”

Mark shook his head. “In the car. I saw it. I saw it in the way he got angry at you for putting yourself in danger for him. It’s the whole princess-and-knight paradox, you know? The princess wants the knight to be willing to die for her, but once he’s dying, she wants him to live and gets angry. Felix loves you, dude. He’s in love with you, and I think the only reason you haven’t noticed a change in his attitude around you is because there was nothing to change. What he feels for you is a constant. You don’t need to make him fall in love with you because he always has been.”

“That doesn’t mean you can tease him like ye’ can with me,” Jack insisted. The concept of Felix having always been in love with him wasn’t all that difficult to accept. “And the reason why I don’t want to make a move on it yet, regardless of whether or not it’s unrequited, is because he can’t do too much at once.”

“So you’ve said,” Mark sighed. “But don’t you think this is different? It’s not like you’re shoving more bad things down his throat. You’re actually giving him something good, something that will make all of the bad stuff easier to cope with. I literally cannot see how you telling him how you feel can be a bad thing.”

“Because he likely won’t say yes,” Jack explained. The shower finally started up. Jack was sure Felix hadn’t been listening, the guy had a lot more tact than that. “He won’t let himself reciprocate. He’ll see it as just another distraction and not let himself have what he wants. If it gets in the way of Michael, it’s not going to happen.”

Mark groaned. “You guys are so stupid. So stupid!”

“It’s complicated, Mark,” Jack insisted. “I’m just waiting for the right moment.”

“That right moment might have already passed in my car, and you never would have known,” Mark pointed out. And shit. That would suck if it were true. “Look, Jack, all I’m saying is that if we start hearing strangled moans of your name in there, I am one hundred percent requiring you to join him in that damn shower and help the boy out.” Mark snickered at Jack’s expression. “You’re picturing it, aren’t you? Felix all naked and shit, with all of that water. It’s literally the material of porn.”

“Mark, stop,” Jack said. His voice was embarrassingly higher pitched. “Ye’ don’t see me sayin’ that shit about Amy.”

“Because Amy and I are in a solid, healthy relationship that requires no taunting,” Mark pointed out. “I can fantasize about her in the shower all I want. You can barely even look at Felix with a shirt off.”

“That reminds me,” Jack said, snatching up his chance to change subject. “If Felix doesn’t sleep in his underwear, don’t say a damn thing. And if he sleeps without a shirt, also don’t say a damn thing.” Mark looked confused. “He has a scar. Came from that car accident ye’ heard about. It’s pretty bad, on his chest and on his back.”

“Holy shit,” Mark said.

“He got impaled, it’s a long story,” Jack continued. “Also, don’t say a damn thing about his ribs and how skinny he is, yeah? Again, the food and shit. We’re working on it.”

Mark nodded. “Is he still sexy?”

“So fucking sexy,” Jack lamented. “Oh my god, Mark, why did ye’ bring up the shower? I can’t stop seeing it.”

“Seeing him naked or seeing him jacking off to Jack?”

Jack put a hand over his mouth and let out a long, low cry of agony. “Both, now! Fuck you, Mark.” It really was a lovely image, and Jack didn’t know why Mark suddenly enjoyed torturing him like this. He wondered if Mark had pulled this same shit with Ethan and Tyler for however long they’d been dancing around one another. “God, he’s so fucking pretty,” Jack bemoaned. Gorgeous Felix, all that skin, water running down his neck, his chest, his hips and thighs. Jack felt his cheeks go a little pink. He hated himself for how little control he had over his body. 

“Oh my god, Jack, you’re so easy,” Mark snickered. “Once Felix is out of the shower, I say we go grab some dinner. Something nice. Something that Felix likes so he will actually eat it. And then we can just go on a nice walk, check out the area. I liked your idea about the aquarium. Let’s do that tomorrow. But I must warn you, I will not be going into that tunnel part with you.”

“What, ye’ scared?” Jack needed some slight revenge teasing of his own. 

“I hate open water,” Mark told him. “Legitimately terrified.”

“But… open space is okay? Legitimate space, the stars and shit ye’ like so much.”

“I never said it made sense, Jack.”

The shower stopped. Jack frowned and Mark snickered. “Dude, do you have his fucking showering habits memorized?”

“Are ye’ gonna try and tell me ye’ don’t know Amy’s?” 

Mark rolled his eyes. “I’m gonna see if there’s a guide on food in this area. You can have your moment to see if Felix is okay or whatever. Just don’t get too much into his face, alright? He’s a grown ass man.” 

“Find us a restaurant, Mark,” Jack said, readying himself to knock on the bathroom door. He wasn’t sure how to say anything he needed to without seeming creepy as hell. Plus, Felix was probably naked just beyond this door. How was Jack supposed to function beyond that thought?

“Felix?” He rapped his knuckles on the door. “Y’in here okay?”

The door opened and Jack was hit in the face with a wall of steam. Felix had his back turned to the mirror as he finished buttoning up his pants. It wasn’t anything Jack hadn’t seen before, but he still couldn’t look away. Even with the loss of body fat, Felix was still damn near a model. He had that angular curve in his back and his hips and a lovely tint to his skin that made his lips look like they were painted. Jack loved the bleach to his hair and the sharp angle of his nose. Jack loved looking at him.

“I’m obsessed,” Jack said to himself.

“What was that?” Felix asked as he pulled his shirt on. 

“Nothin’,” Jack said. “Just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Felix made a face. “I’m not gonna shatter into pieces, Jack. I can take a shower.”

“Kinda short shower, Felix.”

“Oh my god, are you obsessed with me or what?” Felix shook his head and messed up his dripping hair with his hand. Jack almost thought Felix had heard him. “I’m fine. What’s the plan?”

“Mark wants to get dinner at some place.” Jack wet his lips. “I meant what I said about you being sexy and shit. That scar really is kinda lovely in a weird way. In the kind of way that makes ye’ seem human.”

Felix raised a brow. “I’m not human without it?”

“Ye’ don’t look it,” Jack said. “Most Swedes don’t.”

“Dude, all Swedes look human. You just have really low standards when it comes to how good people can look.”

Jack didn’t have low standards. He just thought Felix was the sun itself. “Robin looked pretty inhuman,” Jack said. “All of you blond Swedes. You’ve got this weird sharp thing to your faces and these pretty eyes. Just don’t seem like something humans can do. More like elves. Do vikings have elves?”

Felix nodded. “Dark and light elves. Dökkálfar and Ljósálfar. The Dökk are described as blacker than pitch, and the Ljós are said to be fairer than the sun to look at.”

How fucking perfect. “How do you say the light one again?”

“Ljó-sál-far,” Felix pronounced slowly.

Jack grinned. “Ljósál-Felix,” he said, feeling clever. 

Felix rolled his eyes. “The Ljósálfar live in Álfheim, Jack. That place is related to heaven in a ton of prose and texts. I hardly believe that I’m in any sort of heaven right now.”

“Doesn’t mean ye’ don’t belong to heaven,” Jack replied.

“Did you come in here just to say weird shit to me?” Felix asked. His cheeks were pink, and Jack didn’t think it was from the heat. “I thought we were getting dinner.”

Jack sighed. “Yeah, sorry. Just… Ye’ seem really down and I just wanted to make ye’ smile a few times. Cause even though you’re pissed and shit, we really are doing this for ye’. We want to make sure you don’t feel like shut by the end of this, considering how shit everything’s already been.”

“Well, I appreciate the effort, but you can’t change the world,” Felix replied. “And I’m really just gonna stay angry for most of this because I don’t fucking abandon people, Jack. That’s not who I am. Maybe you’re cool with just ditching everyone in the face of fear, but I’m better than that.”

Jack definitely deserved that. “Would ye’ like to pick from what restaurants we have?” Jack offered, deciding to let Felix say what he needed to say. Jack deserved however Felix chose to lash out, but he didn’t want to start a fight. “I’m sure there’s a good Italian place. Maybe some German. Probably not any Swedish food.”

“Fucking christ.” Felix brushed past Jack, heading into the main room. Jack really wasn’t surprised. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Felix this angry, but it wasn’t like it wasn’t well earned. Doing anything against your will was a hard pill to swallow, especially for someone as unwaveringly loyal as Felix. It had to be hard to basically watch all your promises fall through the floor at the actions of someone else. Jack looked back into the room and saw Mark with that “deer in the headlights” look, eyes darting between Jack and Felix. Felix was angrily pulling on his shoes, muttering under his breath in Swedish. Mark looked skittish.

“What’d ye’ find?” Jack asked, deciding to keep forcing the positivity. 

“There’s a, uh, Johnny Rockets dinner,” Mark said, still watching Felix. “By Centennial park.”

“Sounds perfect,” Jack said. He had a weak spot for diners, and Felix likely wouldn’t be willing to put in any sort of input as of now. “Not far of a walk. Be there in no time, have ourselves a nice burger or two, maybe a shake. Right, Fe’?”

Felix scowled at the ground. “ _Det här är dumt._ ”

“What?” Mark asked.

“Something about stupid,” Jack replied.

Felix’s head snapped up. “You know Swedish?” He looked alarmed. Jack wondered if he’d been saying some pretty fucked up stuff in his native tongue. He was probably worried that Jack had been able to understand the whole time. 

“Barely,” Jack snorted. “Robin taught me some curse words and I could gleam some of the sweeter shit he said during sex, like I love you and shit.”

Felix frowned. “You know how to say love?”

Jack nodded.

“Älskar?” 

Jack frowned. “What’s that one?”

Something shuttered in Felix’s gaze. Something angrier than he’d been before, with a little bit of pity in there. “You don’t know älskar. You don’t know what that word means,” Felix checked Jack shook his head. “Dude, that is the word for love,” Felix told him. “He… Whatever the fuck he was saying to you, it wasn’t love.”

Jack faltered, his arms falling slowly to his sides. “… Wait, really?”

“Do you remember any of what he said?”

Jack shook his head. “Are you sure that’s the only way?”

“It’s the only way you’d say it during sex,” Felix snorted. “It’s the verb. It’s how you say you love someone in any sort of active form, so whatever the fuck he’s been saying to you has not been love, dude.”

Jack kinda wanted to hide in a hole now. Mark was looking at him like he felt sorry for Jack, and how else was he supposed to react? Maybe Felix was wrong. Maybe there was some weird difference in dialect between regions. Hard part was that Jack couldn’t remember Robin ever saying something close to the word Felix said meant love. But that didn’t matter. It couldn’t. Because Jack was beyond Ireland and his focus was Felix. Knowing that he hadn’t been loved those two years couldn’t mean much. He couldn’t let it. 

“Doesn’t matter,” Jack said, denying himself this moment of weakness. “Robin’s in the past, so whatever he really thought of me means little.”

“But if you loved him—”

“Let’s get dinner.” Jack interrupted Mark with a firm tone. He didn’t want to think about it. Mark still looked like he felt sorry for him. Jack glanced to Felix, saw that he looked more like Brad had back at the house. At least Jack knew he wouldn’t be alone when he finally let himself get upset over this bullshit. “Dinner,” he repeated. “Please.”

They left the hotel and walked to Centennial park, reaching the diner with relative silence, no conversation beyond directions. It was probably Jack’s fault. Mark kept looking at Jack like he wanted to say something, and Felix kept staring at every bus stop they passed a little longer than Jack liked. But nothing happened and they sat at the bar of the diner. 

“Whatcha gonna get?” Jack asked Felix. 

“ _Jag vill inte prata,_ ” Felix replied. 

“I don’t speak Swedish, Fe’.”

“Obviously, or you would’ve known to dump Robin way-fucking-before you moved back here,” Felix bit out. 

“Dude, hey,” Mark said. “That’s uncalled for.”

“How is that uncalled for?” Felix asked. “This fucking Robin dude was leading Jack along for, like, a year, right? A whole fucking year, at least, of being lied to. Of being used and manipulated. That fucking asshole was lying to Jack about love, don’t you realize how fucked up that is?”

“Why are you getting so worked up over this?” Jack asked. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“But don’t you see?” Felix pressed, turning in his seat to face Jack. “This is exactly what Ken did to me! He kept fucking saying he loved me, kept saying he would be with me forever, said that if I fucked put out, he’d always be by my side. And then he fucking lied to everyone about shit I didn’t do, just because he couldn’t bear to break up with me. And then he keeps saying it’s on me! Saying he wants to get back together, but I fucking won’t let him! It’s the same thing!”

Jack was horrified. “Felix, what? Robin and I are not the same as you and Ken. Holy shit, did he really do that to ye’?”

“It’s the same, it’s the fucking same,” Felix insisted. “The lying during sex is the same as lying for sex. If I didn’t put out, he wouldn’t say he cared about me, and Robin rewarded you for sex by pretending to love you. It’s the same thing! It's the manipulation!”

“Jesus fucking christ,” Jack breathed. He felt a little sick. “Is that what Ken did? He told you he’d only loved you if you slept with him.”

“It’s not that bad,” Felix insisted. “It was just sex.”

“It’s your whole fuckin’ body, Felix,” Jack insisted. “You’re not like those other people that can just sleep around, you’re not that fucking person, you’re the most introverted, fuckin’ shy guy ever. It’s never just sex for you.”

“ _Du vet ingenting om mig,_ ” Felix said, his voice strangled. 

“I don’t know what the fuck that means, Felix,” Jack hissed. “What I do know is that even though you and I never got that far, sex could never mean just sex to you. Letting someone see you like that, letting someone in, that isn’t something you do. Not without really fucking loving someone, and the fact that he used you like that is god damn disgusting.”

“And the fact that Robin used you is just as awful,” Felix replied. “Don’t make this about me.”

“How can I not make this about you?!” Jack demanded, his voice rising a little too much for where they were. “My whole fuckin’ life right now is all centered around you! It's important to me. _You_ are important to me.”

“It’s funny how you get on me for not caring about myself enough, yet here you know, completely ignoring what Robin did to you because you say you only care about me." Felix looked back to the menu with an expression of finality. This conversation was apparently over, and Jack didn’t feel like he’d made any ground even though he’d learned a lot more. He really wanted to kick Ken’s balls into his stomach. 

“Please tell me we’re done arguing,” Mark said. “I really hate arguing.”

“You can’t deny that what Ken did was fucked,” Jack said.

“I’m not denying anything,” Mark sighed. “But I just kinda hate conflict.”

“Fair enough,” Jack said. “… Ye’ think they’re gonna throw us out yet?” He’d been a little loud back there, and sex wasn’t exactly a family-friendly topic like this diner was accustom to. “I should apologize to the staff.”

“Fuck it," Mark sighed. “The damage is done.”

Jack grimaced and made a mental note to apologize to Mark as well as the waitress came forward to take their order. He paid special attention to how Felix ordered a fucking kid’s meal, so Jack ordered an extra serving a fries, because that was one of the easiest thing to feed Felix through suggestion. Mark got extra fries as well. At least Mark was still cool with helping Jack with Felix. Their food came quickly enough, too, and their conversation was again limited. Felix was mostly pouting now, sulking in his seat as Mark and Jack ate. He just pushed his food around listlessly.

“Felix,” Jack finally said. “Eat.”

“ _Dra åt skogen_ ,” Felix replied, 

“Again with the fuckin’ Swedish.”

“ _Du kan skita i det blå skåpet,_ ” Felix said. “ _Nu är det krig._ ”

“Fucking English, Felix,” Jack ordered. 

“ _Fan ta dig, kukhuvud._ ”

Jack scowled and threw a french fry at Felix. “I know one thing Robin used to say to me,” he snapped, wanting to egg Felix on now. “ _Knulla mig._ He’d fucking scream it, especially if I was going too slow. He loved saying that one. Over and over, until I knew that phrase better than any other.” Jack smirked. “What does it mean, Felix?’

Felix narrowed his eyes at Jack. But there was pain mixed with the anger. “You’re an asshole.”

“Jack, stop,” Mark said firmly. “I’m with Felix on this one. You’re being a fucking asshole.” 

Jack’s mean streak died as quickly as it had come. “Fuck.”

“Apologize for that one,” Mark said. “Seriously. Even I can figure out what that means, and that was just fucking cruel.”

Felix pushed away his uneaten food. “Let’s just go,” he said. Jack wanted to argue, but he really had gone too far. He suddenly felt like he didn’t have the right to tell Felix what to do, so he wasn’t about to tel him to eat. Jack just lied his money down on the table, deciding he didn’t care about the change. He pushed away from the diner and left before Felix or Mark could even really react. 

Outside the diner, things felt a little better. A little more clear. He could see Centennial Park from here, the lovely trees and gentle lights. Jack wanted the fresh air of human-designed nature more than anything right now. He wanted space. He wanted to breathe.

Jack was in the park before he could think twice, walking through the grass without a care in the world. He knew Felix would be close behind. Even when angry with one another, they would never let each other wander off alone. It just wasn’t the way they worked, even in spite. 

He said away from the concrete paths, choosing to walk through the wet grass that was fresh from the sprinklers. It was cold, though, so Jack knew that those sprinklers would stop working soon as ice began to overtake the park. He went through trees to the water fountains, looking own at the olympic rings on the stone floor. The jets shot up in time to an unheard song, the lights twinkling through the colors of the rainbow.

Jack had only been here a few times, and he really only remembered one specific occasion. 

Felix’s mother had taken him and Felix to Atlanta for a tour of the CocoCola factory as a 12-year birthday present to Jack. Jack and Felix had had a great time exploring all of the different machines and gushing about how terrible all the other drinks were from all the different countries. They’d gagged at a few of the flavors and Felix had made a terrifying concoction of all of the worst types for himself to drink in one go, just to entertain Jack. 

They’d came to the park after the tour. Jack and Felix had played in the fountain, trying to step on each jet and stop it from gushing water. They’d ended up soaked to the bone and happy as could be. They’d caught twin colds the next day and had stayed home from school together, watching Digimon. 

Jack stared at the fountains and watched the ghosts of him and Felix play in the water. He was standing exactly where Felix’s mother had been to watch them, ensure they were safe. He wondered if that damn woman had known the limits of her love for her son even then. If she had stood here and thought to herself “if Felix were gay, I don’t think I’d want him anymore.” Jack’s hands clenched into fists. He used to be able to hold his head with pride and say he’d never directly destroyed Felix with words. Now Jack was just another one of the fucking assholes in Felix’s life.

What had he been doing? Show boating what Robin had said to him, rubbing it in Felix’s face. Jack was almost positive now that Felix still felt something for him, everyone told him as much. And yet Jack had gone shoving Felix’s face into what Jack had shared with Robin. Maybe it was out of spite? Maybe Jack was doing it to prove Robin hadn’t been smart enough to manipulate him entirely? That even though Robin had been able to lie through his teeth, Jack had still been the one to control Robin, to an extent. It was a power play. Jack had wanted to prove he wasn’t weak. That he wasn’t easily manipulated. 

That he wasn't Felix.

Jesus christ. 

“Mark and I just had a talk.”

Jack nearly jumped three feet in the air when Felix was suddenly standing beside him. His reverie was broken, his moment of self-involvement ending with a snap. Jack needed to apologize now. He opened his mouth to say so, but Felix spoke first.

“Mark told me that you’ve basically been running yourself crazy with worrying about me,” Felix said. “Kinda like I’ve been doing with Michael, except a little less destructive. He said that even though you were just a massive fucking dick back there, you’ve been looking out for me more than he thinks he’s ever seen anyone do.” Felix glanced to Jack. “… You’ve got a good friend there, Jack. Mark. He’s definitely a lot better than you deserve right now.”

“I’m sorry,” Jack was able to say. “I’m not better than you. I’m not smarter or, or quicker, or anything. I am not, in any way, better than you, and I know that I never will be.”

“What the fuck?” Felix frowned. “Is that what you meant by it? You thought proving you could make some dude moan in bed would make you less of a pushover than me?” Felix shook his head. “You’re blaming the wrong person, Jack. You’re blaming yourself for what Robin did.”

“You’re blaming yourself for things others did as well.”

“Takes one to know one, then, I guess.”

Jack looked down at his shoes. “I’m still sorry.”

“It’s kinda hilarious that you thought saying something like that would somehow put you above me on the “I’m an idiot” scale,” Felix snorted. “We're both stupid if you’re stupid, Jack. Good thing for me that you’re not.” Felix nudged Jack. “It was Robin. Robin was the one telling the lies. Robin was the one making you think things that weren’t true. It’s not your fault you didn’t speak his language. He took advantage of you.”

“Just like Ken took advantage of you,” Jack said. “Trading love for sex. That’s just as fucked. The only difference is that it was in English.”

Felix smiled sardonically. “I take back what I said, then. We’re both pretty stupid.”

Jack barked a laugh without mirth. “Pretty much.”

“Could’ve sworn we would’ve gotten wiser with age,” Felix sighed. “Instead, we both just ended up letting people fuck us. Literally and metaphorically.”

“Fuck you, I topped,” Jack snorted.

“I didn’t,” Felix said. “I let Ken literally just do fucking whatever. Oh my god, Jack, I was such a dumb kid. He could’ve told me to do anything, and I would’ve agreed had he just said he loved me enough.” Felix smiled brokenly. “Guess that’s my weakness, huh? I just want to be loved.”

“You are,” Jack said. “You are so fuckin’ loved. By your friends, Felix, the people who choose you. The people that matter. Family… Family turning their back on you hurts, yeah, but as long as you’re not alone, you know you’re worth more than what family has said. Michael, Brad, Emma… Me. We love you. Love you more than you think.”

“Brad punched Ken in the face,” Felix said. “That was pretty cool. And Michael had just kinda been great, before August. But it’s not his fault. Emma was really supportive after you left.” Felix paused. “… You stood between me and people that wanted to watch me suffer. Did it without a thought. That…” Felix smiled again. This time, it met his eyes. “That’s love, right?”

Felix turned to him, letting Jack see his face. The bright, colorful lights and the water reflected off of the icy blue of Felix’s pupils. The reds and oranges in particular made Felix’s skin glow, It casted long shadows across Felix’s face, accentuating his delicately parted lips and long lashes. His cheekbones were like knives in this light. His jaw was like a blade. Jack shuddered and hoped Felix wouldn’t see how far gone Jack was for him. 

“Jack,” Felix said. Then, “Seán.” Felix took in a deep breath and took Jacks’ shoulders in his hands. “ _Jag vet inte hur man säger detta till dig på engelska, så jag ska säga det så har._ ” Jack frowned. “ _Jag vill ha dig,_ ” Felix continued with a broken crack to his voice. He sounded almost like he could be crying. 

“ _Jag vill ha dig mer än någonting. Jag vill ligga med dig, vakna med dig, leva med dig. Seán, jag vill dö med dig, någon dag. Ingen person kommer att betyda lika mycket för mig som du gör. Jag kunde gifta mig med dig. Jag vill gifta mig med dig. Jag kan inte föreställa mig en värld där du inte existerar bredvid mig och jag vill inte någonsin överväga det. Jag behöver dig, Seán. Jag behöver dig så illa att det känns som att jag inte kan andas utan dig där. Den enda anledningen till att jag inte kan säga L-ordet till dig är för att du nu vet vad det betyder._ ”

Jack blinked slowly, taking in the warmth of Felix’s hands and the jumbling foreignness of his words. “… Are ye’ still mad at me?”

Felix’s hands dropped away, and Jack missed his touch. “No,” Felix denied, his voice strangled. “I’m not mad. Not anymore.”

“Are ye’ sure?” Jack pressed. “That… That was a lot of Swedish.”

“Swedish doesn't mean I’m mad,” Felix said. “Just means I had to say something I can’t have you understanding.”

Jack frowned again. “I don’t like that.”

“Wanna play in the fountains?” Felix asked. “For old time’s sake.”

“The last time that happened, yer mum was here,” Jack said. “Are ye’ sure ye’ want to remember that?”

“Fuck you for bringing up my baggage.” Felix shoved him hard enough to make Jack trip a little towards the water. “Get wet and bent, bitch,” Felix said. “I want a wet t-shirt contest. Mark!” Jack glanced back to where Felix was shouting and saw Mark sitting on a bench a ways away. He wondered if Mark had somehow understood just a bit of the Swedish that Felix had said to him, but he knew it wasn’t liekly. “Wet t-shirt contest, Mark! As fucking gay as possible!”

“I’ll fucking beat both of you into the ground!” Mark cried out, coming to join them. He flung himself past Felix and Jack with a war cry, running straight into the water and catching one of the first jets right in the balls. Mark cried out and stumbled, probably more surprised than hurt, but still clutching his crotch with a twisted face of pain. “I went too far! I went too far!”

“Jesus christ,” Jack snickered, running in after Mark and pushing him into the next jet. It just barely missed Mark’s crotch and hit him in the face instead. “Fuck yes!” Jack exclaimed. “Winning!” Then Felix shoved him into the jets and Jack was just as soaked as Mark. Felix cackled, still dry. Jack had to remedy that.

He reached out, taking Felix by the front of his shirt, and yanking him as hard as he could into the jets. Felix lost his footing, falling forward, knocking Jack over and falling atop him onto one of the jets. The jet went off, slamming Jack in the spine with high pressure water. He shrieked and freaked, unable to get off the intense pressure with Felix’s weight atop him. Felix reacted quickly, rolling over and pulling Jack atop him to help him escape the pressure. 

“Fuck!” Jack cursed, bent over Felix. “Gonna fuckin’ bruise!”

“You okay?” Felix asked beneath him, slipping a hand under Jack’s shirt like he thought he could feel any damage that could be there. 

“I’m fine, Fe’,” Jack placated, grinning as he sat up. His knees were at both of Felix’s sides, right up along his ribs, straddling Felix’s waist. It was a good place to be, in Jack’s opinion. He and Felix were both soaked now, and Felix’s shirt was nearly see-through. Yeah, Jack really liked where he was. He planted his hands on either side of Felix’s head, bracing himself above. “Ye’ could check for any marks later, though.”

Felix was scarlet. Jack was being an asshole again, but in a good way. Jack laughed and stood, reaching out blindly for Mark and grabbing him by the pant leg, pulling him into the water again. “Oh fuck you, Jack!” Mark shouted. “You’re gonna break my head open!”

“ _Wet shirt contest!_ ” Jack roared, dead-set on bringing Mark down. Felix lunged out as well and helped Jack pull Mark to the ground. They all sprawled out together, getting hit by jets over and over. Jack sputtered, basically drowning at this point. Felix was shouting random Swedish words and trying to crawl away from the jets. Mark was dead. He’d gone silent upon hitting the ground. Mark was definitely dead. 

“ _Jag ska rädda dig!_ ”

Jack felt a hand on his shirt, then he was back on dry ground. He wheezed out a laugh and sat up to see Felix pulling Mark from the jets too. “Those’re a lot stronger than I remember!” Jack exclaimed, kicking his legs and letting his wet clothes slap around. “Feel like a kid, Fe’!”

“We’re gonna get sick again,” Felix said as Mark went limp, letting Felix drag all of his weight. All Felix really succeeded in doing was yanking Mark’s shirt all the way up his chest and getting it caught on his shoulders and arms. Mark wailed through his sopping wet shirt and Jack wasn’t entirely sure he could really breath like that. Felix dropped the shirt, leaving Mark half-in, half-out of the water. “I give up,” he said, sitting down beside Jack. “That was fun for all of five seconds.”

“Best way to forget your problems is to mentally regress,” Jack said. “A good five years is recommended, at least.” Jack paused as a thought dawned. “It’s almost your birthday, Fe’.”

“God, don’t fucking remind me,” Felix groaned. “Old enough to emancipate myself, but I still can’t drink.”  
“Emancipate?” Jack’s brow shot up. “Is that what you’re thinkin’? I know you and yer dad aren’t having the best of times, but…”

“Depends on how much work it is,” Felix said. “Literally no aspirations. Probably just gonna graduate high school and say fuck it.”

“Yeah,” Jack said. “Me too.”

Felix grinned. “Couple of failures, am I right?”

“Don’t worry, Fe’. We’ll fail together. You, me, and Mark fuckin’ Fischbach.”

“I am a total fucking failure,” Mark gasped. “Because I had my phone on me that whole time.”

“Oh, fuck.”

“Shit,” Felix said, joining in. All three of them checked over their phones at the same time, letting out a chorus of sighs of relief when everything appeared to be in working order.

“Selfie!” Mark cried out, holding up his phone. “Totally just a reason to make sure the camera is working as well.” Jack instantly dropped onto the ground beside Mark, lying with his head next to Mark’s and smiling brightly up at the camera. “Felix, Felix, get in on this,” Mark implored. Jack felt Felix lie down against his side. Jack turned his head and looked to Felix, letting himself enjoy how close their faces were. The flash went off, capturing Jack staring at Felix while Felix and Mark smiled obediently for the camera. Jack hoped the photo wouldn’t give too much away.

“Gonna send that to Amy,” Mark said, poking away at the screen with wet fingertips. “Prove that I’m not dead. Should also call my mom. And your mom, Jack.”

“I’ll text her later,” Jack said, still staring at Felix. Felix was looking up at the stars. Jack was sure he had the better view. Now Jack was just blatantly pining, and it was pathetic. He wondered if he should put his newly learned Swedish word for “love” into practice, or if that really would be too soon. 

“Fuck,” Felix said. He wet his lips. “Guys? I’m about to say something that will either make you really happy, or really piss you off.”

“Oh god,” Mark said. “What is it?”

Jack watched Felix worry his lower lip. “I’m hungry,” Felix said.

“Oh my fuck, praise the fuckin’ heavens,” Jack said. “Hotel. Now. We’re gonna order so much fuckin’ room service and you’re gonna eat till ye’ pop, till you’re blue in the face, till you’re bursting at the seems and trembling.”

“Jack, you have a legitimate fetish,” Mark sighed. Jack didn’t care and was on his feet. He pulled Felix up with him, ready to break into a sprint. Anything to wear Felix out and get even more food into him.

. . .

Felix ate two bowls of gourmet macaroni and cheese and a steak with potatoes all on his own, tucking it away without complaint, much to Jack’s joy. Jack and Mark just shared some ice cream as Felix ate chocolate cake. He was acting like a starved man, which Jack was sure Felix actually was. There was no judgement in this room to the way Felix was gorging himself. 

Felix went to bed with a full belly, and fell asleep almost immediately once his head hit the pillow. Jack and Mark both quietly called their parents and filled them in with sparing detail, essentially getting permission to stay for the weekend. Then Jack crawled into bed beside the sleeping Felix and drifted off without a fuckin’ care in the world, because he was going to enjoy this damn weekend even if it killed him. 

. . .

Felix woke up before Jack and Mark the following morning. He took another shower, which was weird. Jack only knew because the run of the water woke him. Mark snored softly in the next bed, so Jack was content to just lie there in peaceful silence, letting himself take in the sounds of the slowly waking world— nine AM was pretty early for him on a weekend. 

As he lied there, he felt himself dozing back off, until he heard a whisper of his name. Jack scrunched his nose, wanting to keep sleeping. He heard his name again. Jack groaned and opened his eyes again. Maybe Mark hadn’t been as asleep as he’d thought. But Mark turned onto his side and snored even louder, so his name wasn’t coming from there. Jack lifted his head, listening a bit more intently.

He didn’t hear his name again. He was, unfortunately, awake now. He supposed he could just get dressed and ready for the aquarium, act like a functioning human being for once. He could put on his pants, as he was sleeping in his underwear. Felix had slept in his underwear and a t-shirt, and Mark had heeded Jack’s warning, not making a comment. It was the smaller blessings.

Jack pulled himself out of bed and rubbed at his face to really wake up the blood. He shuffled through the room and knocked on the bathroom door, announcing his entrance. He needed to wash his face. 

Felix yelped as the bathroom door opened, and Jack’s brain sluggishly told him to apologize. Maybe he wasn’t as awake as he’d felt. “Sorry, Fe’,” he said with a weak smile as Felix peaked around the shower curtain. “Need some water.”

“Fucking warn a guy,” Felix sighed, ducking back under the spray. “Your shitty-ass knock doesn’t count.”

“Fuck off,” Jack mumbled, turning on the faucet. “You’re lucky I’m not beggin’ to take a piss. Sure ye’d love to see me cock.” Felix didn’t answer and Jack finished washing his face. “Me mum and Mark’s mum say we can stay till Sunday. Get ye’ home in time for dinner, yeah?”

“Whatever you guys will allow.”

“You’re not still upset about that, are you?”

Felix sighed again. “I guess not. I do feel a little betters actually. Kinda just wanna avoid thinking about it like I already have been.”

“I’ve got just the thing for ye’, then,” Jack said with a wide grin. “Picture this— thousands of creatures, taken from their intended environments and stuck into glass containers that are perfectly altered to fit their required living conditions, allowing them to be listlessly observed by alien masses for no reason beyond mild entertainment and curiosity.”

“Jack, that’s a terrible way to describe an aquarium.”

“Too bad, still going!” Jack smacked the shower curtain. “Be done in the shower soon, I’m sure Mark’ll want to get clean. We’re leaving in thirty.” Jack left the bathroom and woke Mark by jumping on the bed and almost kneeing him in the dick. Mark hit Jack in the face with a pillow and shouted obscenities at him. Felix got out of the shower and Mark went in. Jack decided to wallow in his filth another day. 

“Is the aquarium absolutely certain their glass is strong enough to hold back the water?” Mark shouted over the sound of the shower. “I don’t want to die, guys! Not at all! Drowning is, like, the worst way to go!”

Felix was idly munching away at the waffles Jack had ordered for their breakfast. He looked to Jack. “That’s a genuinely intelligent question,” he told Jack with a dopey grin. There was syrup all over his lips, shiny and sticky. To distract himself, Jack dragged his finger through a smear of syrup on Felix’s place and popped the finger into his mouth. Felix’s nose scrunched up in disgust. “Use a spoon, dude.”

“I don’t wanna die, guys!” Mark continued to lose his cool in a hot shower. “There are sharks in there! Whales! Literal fucking monsters exist in the ocean!”

“It’s the aquarium,” Jack sighed. “We’ll stay out of the spookier exhibits.”

“Aw, but I love the spooky stuff,” Felix said with a pout. It was made even cuter by all the syrup. 

“Ye’ can’t avoid this, Mark!” Jack called out. “Just get it over with.”

“Up and over!” Felix yelled in encouragement. The shower shut off and Mark stepped out all in his nearly-naked glory, just a towel around his waist. Jack’s brow flew up at the guy’s confidence and Felix grinned. “Damn, Mark,” Felix said. “I’d love to give you that good, hard dick.”

“Me being shirtless is not an invitation for you to flirt, though I am flattered,” Mark said. “I just wanted to let you guys know that I intend to make a stop at the aquarium gift shop before we go seeing any of these monsters, as I may have gotten a few stains on this shirt.”

“Stains from what?”

“My penis,” Mark deadpanned. Felix choked on a waffle behind Jack. “I accidentally lied it down on the shaving cream they hand out here, Jack. It can be washed out, but not in time for us to make this date with death you have planned. Just let me buy a shirt before we go on any tours. Do you think they sell pants too? I might just end up pissing myself.”

“We’re gonna have a whale of a time, Mark,” Jack drawled. “Put yer stained clothes on, and stop being a pussy.”

Mark grumbled his way back into the bathroom. Felix was recovering from his brush with death, still grinning. “He really does look pretty fucking good.”

“Go back to choking,” Jack said. 

“What’s wrong, Jack? You jealous? Think I’d take your man from you?” Felix was waggling his brow like a loon until Jack shoved a pillow into his face. Felix started choking again, and Jack settled himself to be content with having the last word.

. . .

Mark bought a shirt with a harmless little clownfish on it, after having agonized over the sparing selection that offered very few creatures that wouldn’t devour him— or so Mark claimed. Jack couldn’t see a manta ray ever being capable of eating a human, but maybe that had more to do with some grudge against the creature that took Steve Irwin from this mourning world. He bought a hat, too, and a keychain with Amy’s name on it that looked like a dolphin. Felix went to buy himself a plush of a turtle, but Jack sideswiped him and slipped the lady his card. 

“I’ll name him Seán,” Felix laughed, hugging the soft turtle to his chest. 

“That’s a dumb name,” Mark said, acting like a shit head in a shirt that was two sizes too small. “Go with something more original. More exotic.”

“Ste-Stefano,” Felix stuttered out, looking to Mark like he was waiting for judgement. Mark nodded slowly, giving Felix a dramatic thumbs-up. Felix smiled brightly and hugged the turtle even tighter. “Stefano.”

“What do ye’ want to see first, Fe’?” Jack asked, looking over the map. 

“Holy shit, there’s a whale shark,” Felix gasped, looking up at a sign. “Jack. Jack. I want to see the whale shark so badly. Is that stupid? I’ve never fuckin’ seen one before, I’ll bet it’s so big. Are they the sonar ones? From Finding Dory?”

“That’s the balooga or whatever,” Mark said.”Whale sharks are filter feeders, so they don’t really hunt or anything, making them a little more whale than shark. They’re mostly gentle creatures, too.”

“Perfect for us to see, then,” Jack said. “How much are tickets?”

“When I looked this place up, it literally had a Pokèmon Go tab,” Mark told them rather unhelpfully. “We could always catch some Pokèmon, rather than see any of those scary monsters of the ocean.”

Felix snickered and Jack rolled his eyes. “Want us to just meet you at the restaurant, Mark?”

“Honestly? Yes.”

Felix’s snickers turned into a disappointed expression. Until Mark did this weird thing with his left eye, and a sudden burst of realization came over Felix’s face. Then there was trepidation. “I’ll let you guys do those main exhibits,” Mark said. “I’ll be at the restaurant. Then we should do the petting tank, because I can handle that. I just don’t like water all around me.” Still seemed like a stretch. “Just grab me when you’re going for the smaller stuff and the penguins! Big tanks are all you guys.” Mark took Stefano from Felix. “Don’t want to get this bad boy wet,” he explained. “I’ll keep him safe.”

“We should check out the tropical fish exhibits,” Jack sighed, deciding not to argue with Mark. “There’s that walkthrough tank, the one that goes for ages. We’re some of the first people here, so there won’t be many other groups just yet. It’s the weekend, meaning we don’t have to deal with field trips.” Jack turned his attention away from the map to smile at the Swede. “Sounds fun, yeah? Just you and me and the threat of a well-deserved death.”

“I didn’t put these fish in these cages,” Felix said. He was watching Mark leave with an edge of nervousness.“This was your idea anyways. Lead the way.”

When they reached the Tropical Diver exhibit, Jack read off the various names of the different types of brightly colored fish they saw through the high walls of glass. “It’s a learning experience,” Jack said. 

There was nearly no one around, save the occasional worker or lone adult that wandered into the same room as them. Jack kept his voice low, reading signs and informational placards to Felix in his most soothing tone. It was hard to manage with Jack’s naturally louder-than-life style of talking, and he was sure his voice sounded a little grating when it was this low, but Felix didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he was enjoying it— Jack could tell by the gentle curve of a smile on Felix’s face every time he told Felix about the eating habits of the Red Zebra or the Silver Arowana. 

Felix seemed to be partial to the more brightly colored fish. At one tank in particular, thousands of small, bright purple things swam in unison, swirling around the coral and moving languidly through the water. Felix stopped there, staring into the blue and shining purple, mesmerized. His hand lifted up to pressed gently against the glass, palm and face reflecting on the curved tank like a reflection in the mirror. Jack’s breath caught as he stared and his hands felt clammy as his heart began to beat a little faster. There, it was finalized.

Jack was in love, and he needed to do something about it. Plans formed in his mind as he watched Felix watch the fish. He could say something now, in this very moment, but it would defeat the purpose of helping Felix have a worry-free vacation. He could tell Felix at the dance, but Felix wasn’t going to the dance. He could tell Felix during one of their random nights together, when they were lying quietly in bed side by side, just beginning to fall into the depths of sleep. He could tell Felix at any time, and it would never be perfect. So he was going to have to settle for when it felt like the confession would cause the least amount of damage. With how Jack had acted the previous night, today was not going to be one of those moments.

Jack swallowed down the feelings and tapped his knuckles gently on the glass to catch Felix’s attention. “Ye’ fall asleep standing up?” he asked in his low, gravelly voice. Felix turned his attention to Jack, smiling softly. 

“They’re gorgeous,” Felix said. “Kinda wish I was one of them.”

“What do ye’ mean?”

Felix shrugged. “Wish I could just be in a safe tank, hidden away from cruelty and harm. Just swim around with people like me and not feel scared of predators, not worry for where my next meal will come from, and not fret for the safety of those around me. Like how I sometimes wish to be a bird, or a cat, or some simpler creature, but only in certain situations, you know? Ones that people wouldn’t really agree with.”

Jack leaned against the glass, gaining Felix’s full attention. He gave Felix a short nod to show he was listening. Felix took in a breath before continuing. 

“It’s sick, Seán,” Felix said, bringing in the significance of Jack’s real name. “But if anything, I wish I was caged.”

“Caged?” Jack frowned. He definitely didn’t like the sound of that.

“Yeah, caged,” Felix repeated. “In a cage. Captured. Held in a cage by someone who doesn’t hurt me. A bird in the sky has to hunt and dodge bullets. They have to avoid the cats and the dogs that are out for their blood, whether for their own survival or just because domestic animals only know how to kill without reason. If I’m in a cage, or in a tank? I’m owned by someone. Someone paid money for me, meaning they see me as something of monetary value to them. And people protect the things that they paid for. They want to make sure whatever that thing is doesn’t wither away and die.” Felix clenched his jaw.

“That’s what I was to Ken, for a while,” he said. “He kept me in his cage and I didn’t argue because I knew I was safe. Even though people hated me for being with him, they were never brave enough to say it to my face or his. I was kept safe and I repaid him for that with sex and whatever else he could want from me, like the companionship you’d get from a pet. A-and I was happy that way.” Felix grimaced. “I was happy in my cage because I knew I meant something to someone and wouldn’t be hurt. Neglected, used, maybe, but never hurt. People don’t key their own cars. They don’t burn their own books. They don’t destroy what they’ve invested themselves in. All that happened between me and Ken that ended us was that he decided I wasn’t worth what he’d paid anymore.”

Jack hated hearing this, but he knew he had to. Felix needed to talk about it, and Jack needed to prove that he would be here for anything. It wasn’t like Jack didn’t care. He just would’ve rather marched off and hunted down Ken to run him over with a truck or something equally damaging. “What happened with the drugs, Felix?”

Felix sighed. “Well, he couldn’t very well break up with me without some fireworks and an extra call for pity. That just wasn’t how Ken worked. Dude should be an actor, you know, he’s got a real talent for it.”

“So I’ve noticed,” Jack said with acid in his voice. 

“He made up bullshit about catching me in bed with another guy,” Felix said. “A vague description was all he needed to sell people on it. It was almost funny that he accused you of being the guy I slept with when he already fucking knew you by name.”

“How’d he know what I looked like, Fe’?”

“What, do you think I just got over you in a week or two?” Felix shook his head. “I had our pictures everywhere, and I didn’t even want to see them half the time. But you were unavoidable. Every good thing in my life had you intertwined within it, like a fucking braid. He knew who you were by knowing me. It was a default Felix setting. You know Felix, you’re bound to know who Seán is.”

Jack nodded. “The sex thing, then. And the drugs. How does that come in?”

“People always thought I was on drugs cause I was skinny and pale and hated most shit in life,” Felix explained. “He said I slept with a guy for drugs because I apparently couldn’t pay for them. Ken added on shit about how I was always taking money from him to pay for these drugs, and when Ken finally started saying no, I also started sucking dick for it instead. Then there was shit about me blackmailing him to make him stay with me for so long, saying that I was saying I’d report him for the drugs I was taking.” Felix ran a hand through his bleached tips. “It was a mess, Seán. A horrible fucking mess. And everyone liked him more than me, so of course they listened to him.”

“It’s over, Fe’,” Jack said, watching Felix intently for any warning signs in his face. “Ye’ came out of it stronger than before. You’re yer own person now. Ye’ don’t need him and ye’ don’t need anyone else.”

Felix smiled tightly. “ _Jag behöver dig._ ”

Jack frowned. “Felix, I don’t—”

“It means I need you.” Felix looked up to meet Jack’s eyes. “I need you. It’s as simple as that.”

Jack swallowed hard. “… I’m not caging ye’. I can’t do that.”

“I don’t expect you to,” Felix replied. “You’re the only person who makes me feel safe enough to fly.”

Jack’s knees felt weak at Felix’s admission. It again felt like the perfect moment, but Jack knew his confession would only serve to overwhelm Felix, and seem like manipulation as well. Felix had trusted Jack with something immensely intimate, and Jack couldn’t afford to let it sound like he had ulterior motives. Michael said Felix had a hard time differentiating love from sex. Jack couldn’t say that now. He just couldn’t. 

“I’ll fly next to you,” Jack said instead of what he really wanted to say. “Might suck at it, since I don’t really have wings. But I’m sure I could flap my arms hard enough if I got really fuckin’ into it.”

Felix laughed, the sound clear like a ringing bell to Jack’s ears. “Let’s go get Mark,” he said. “I really wanna see that whale shark exhibit now. Love me a good filter feeder, or whatever that really means.”

Jack nodded, turning to try and catch a sight of any directional signs. As he started to move, he felt a hand on his arm, holding him in place.

“Jack?” Felix smiled crookedly as their eyes met again. “Thanks.”

Jack nodded. “Any time.”

Felix nodded in return. Then he pulled Jack in and took Jack’s face in his hand. A long second passed between them before Felix leaned in a placed the smallest of kisses to the left of the corner of Jack’s mouth. Jack could feel Felix’s breath against his skin, warm and alive. He could see the tiniest of details in Felix’s face, the crows feet in the corner of his eyes. Jack could feel the chapped press of Felix’s lips like a punch to the chest. Felix pulled back slowly, eyes flitting between Jack’s lips to his eyes, like he wanted to make sure he wasn’t in trouble. 

Jack couldn’t help but give him a blinding smile. Felix returned it shakily.

“One day,” Felix said, his voice trembling. “Not— not today. I can’t today. But one day. I promise.”

Jack nodded. “I promise too.”

Felix’s smile grew a little stronger. “Let’s get Mark back before he eats out the entire restaurant.” Felix walked past Jack with a ducked head like he was hiding his face. Jack watched him go, reverently touching the spot where Felix’s lips had been against his skin. He couldn’t stop smiling at the memory of Felix’s promise, and it felt amazing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Jack. Seán. I can’t say this to you in English, so I’ll say it like this. I want you. I want you more than anything. I want to lie with you, wake with you, live with you. Seán, I want to die with you. No one will mean as much to me as you do. I could marry you. I want to marry you. I can not imagine a world where you do not exist next to me and I do not ever want to consider it. I need you, Seán. I need you so badly that it feels like i can't breathe without you there. The only reason i can't say the L word to you is because now you know what it means."


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i deleted this entire chapter, restarted it, deleted the half chapter that i'd written, then started for a third time
> 
> this is the third attempt at this chapter soooo i'm a little iffy on it? sorry :/ hope it ain't total shit

“Holy shit, he kissed you?” Mark was hissing and leaning across the bed as Felix took yet another fucking shower. Jack was starting to think that the warm water really just helped soothe Felix’s nerves. He wondered what the water bill at Felix’s house was like. “Jack, did he really…” Mark leaned back after trailing, making his hands blow out from the sides of his head to make an explosion. “I can’t believe he did it.”

“Just on the side of me mouth,” Jack said, trying to keep from smiling too wide. “Holy fuck, though, Mark. Oh my… Oh my gosh.” Jack’s hands waved around in the air. He couldn’t physically contain his excitement. “I, I guess I have been pretty noticeable? I haven’t just been romancing a brick wall, fuck. I’m so fuckin’ happy.”

“Why the fuck aren’t you in that god damn shower with him?” Mark demanded. 

“He said not yet,” Jack replied, refusing to think about Felix in the shower again. “He said he couldn’t yet, but he promised that he would one day.”

“One day?” Mark made a face. “How far away is that?’

“I don’t know, but I made him wait, like, two years, so I’m basically thinking I’ll give him a nice, fair four years before I start calling BS.” Jack kept fucking grinning, and it was starting to hurt his cheeks. “Jesus, Mark, do you have any idea how good that felt? I’m gettin’ somewhere. And he didn’t look scared, he didn’t look freaked out. He just… he looked _happy_.”  
“Well, that’s kinda what happens when the dude you’re into doesn’t hit you across the jaw for kissing them,” Mark snorted. “Also when you’re able to, like, open up to someone and not get smacked down.”

“Oh my god, he was so fucking gorgeous,” Jack groaned. “So fuckin’ blue. Everything was so blue, so pretty, he looked like a damn fuckin’ angel, Mark. He was literally an angel, and I love him so much.”

Mark smiled. “You’re adorable.”

“ _He’s_ adorable,” Jack corrected. “He’s got the cutest fucking nose, Mark. He’s got this nose, and these teeth. And his lips, oh my goodness. And he’s got the nicest smile and he’s so fucking… He’s so good. He’s good and pure and totally the best thing ever. Oh my fucking gosh, he makes my stomach feel all weird and I fuckin’ love it.” Jack giggled, hands flailing again. He dropped back onto the bed, lying there and staring at the ceiling. “Holy crap. I… I remember feeling like this once. It was a really long time ago.”

“What, like two years?” Mark lied down next to him. He obviously knew he was settling in for story time. 

“It was under those stairs,” Jack said, his tone soft and reverent. “I don’t even remember why we were under there, to tell ye’ the truth. I think we were ditching during lunch, or ditching something. We’d just come from gym, so it had to be lunch. Felix was wearing the fuckin’ gym uniform still, those shorts with the dumb white shirt? His skinny ass legs and high socks. He looked so fucking adorable to me, and I couldn’t stop looking. Staring was probably the more appropriate word.”

“Had you two said anything to each other about your feelings yet?” Mark asked. He looked pretty interested. He’d probably been waiting a long time to hear the full story. 

“Never a word,” Jack said, shaking his head. “Too scared. Both of us were just too scared. A gay crush in rural Georgia is just a recipe for disaster no matter what you say about how progressive people are, Mark. Felix’s own mum left, the should tell you something about it. We couldn’t say anything to each other until it became too much.”

“How’d it become too much?”

Jack grimaced. “Honestly? Don’t remember that clearly. I just remember that one moment he was telling me all about this dumb anime he was watching, this thing about the ninjas? Fucking Naruto and shit, and I’m not saying it’s actually shit, cause I watched it with him, but that’s what I remember him talking about, and then suddenly I was kissing him. I was kissing him and he was stone still and he wasn’t even breathing. And I pulled back and he looked so freaked out, dude, but then he started giggling and we were kissing again. And we were both laughing, and we were so fucking happy, Mark. We were happy because it felt right and then…” 

“The teacher showed up,” Mark finished for him.

Jack grimaced. “It’s sad. Kids at our school would literally fuck in the bathroom, but the second she found a gay couple, she just couldn’t fuckin’ stand for it. She had to stop the gay kids.”

“You guys are more kosher than half of the straight couples in school,” Mark snorted. “Sanctity of marriage my ass.” Mark sat up. “I am happy for you, Jack. So very happy. I do just want to warn you to tread lightly from here on out. Felix still has a lot to deal with, and so do you.”

“Dealing with Felix isn’t really a problem.”

“I’m not talking about Felix,” Mark said. “I’m talking about Ken.”

Jack frowned. “Why would I give a shit about that?”

“Because of the shit Ken said at the party. He seemed interested in you.”

“The flirting was just his way of making me stick around,” Jack said.

Mark’s eyes went wide “Holy shit, he _flirted_ with you?” 

“Who flirted with you?” Jack looked up from where he was lying to see Felix in his t-shirt and boxers. Felix’s damp hair was plastered to his forehead. He looked tired again, which was easy to understand as their day was at its end. He’d probably intended on collapsing into bed before hearing this. “Who flirted with you, Jack? Was it Lilly? At the coffee place?”

“Ken,” Mark said, because he knew Jack wouldn’t. “Ken flirted with him at the party.”

Something went flat in Felix’s expression. He began to look angry again, and Jack kinda hated it, so he reached up, aimlessly clapping his hands for Felix’s attention. “I’m fine,” he said once Felix was looking at him again, and not beyond him. “It was just harmless shit.”

“Ken doesn’t do harmless,” Felix said. 

“He really wasn’t gonna hurt me,” Jack insisted. “Barely touched me. Just said shit about hooking up, and that was it, okay? There is no reason to think he’d care about me beyond his beef with Felix. I really doubt he’s after anything at all. Unless you think he’s an evil mastermind who would use me to get to you?”

“Or a spiteful asshole bent on revenge for being the one thing that broke through my insane need to please him.” Felix shook his head. “You were the only thing he couldn't control in my life and hated it. _He hated you_ , Jack. You were like that last beacon of hope in my life, the hope that you would come back. That did eventually end, but not soon enough for him.”

“You’re talking about me like I’m some sort of spiritual figurehead,” Jack said with a snort. “It’s weird.” Felix’s expression didn’t change. “Okay, maybe not that weird. Sorry,” Jack alleviated. 

“My parents were gone and I didn’t have anyone but Ken, Brad, Michael, and Emma,” Felix said. “Doesn’t sound like a lot, but one of those people was basically a monster and tried to poison what I had with the other three. You were the only person he couldn’t keep me from because you only existed in my head.”

“This is insane,” Jack sighed. 

“Ken isn’t this kind of sociopath,” Mark said. “That’s all, like, premeditated shit. Ken isn’t an evil mastermind dead set on sending your life spiraling into misery, Felix. He isn’t that obsessed.”

“You don’t know that,” Felix tried to defend, though it was weak. “You, you don’t know what he’s capable of doing. What he thinks about. What he’s willing to do to get his way. He, maybe he would’ve been fine if Jack hadn’t come back. But he's seen him now. He knows that I’m happy because I’ve got Jack back, and he can’t stand that, I know he can’t stand that. And he wants to take that away.”

“Felix,” Jack said gently. “You sound paranoid as fucking hell.”

Felix cursed and twisted a hand around his wrist. “Sound a little like Michael, don’t I?”

“Michael had a pretty good reason to be paranoid,” Mark said. “You, though… I get the whole emotional abuse thing, to an extent. I know you’ve been fucked over. But I really don’t think Ken’s gonna do what you think he’s gonna do. That’s just so much work, Felix. No kid our age cares about anything enough to go through all that effort.”

Felix didn’t agree, but he didn’t argue, either. He sat down on Mark’s bed, arms lying uselessly in his lap. “I’m paranoid,” he said in a near-whisper, almost as if he was talking to himself. “I need to just… just move on.” 

Jack crawled gracelessly from one bed to the other, pulling Felix down onto the covers and looming over him with a dumb smile. “You’re totally done with him, Fe’. He’s gonna go back to university and leave ye’ the fuck alone. Ye’ll never see him again.”

Felix bit his lip. Then he held up his pinky finger. Jack didn’t hesitate in twining his finger with Felix’s. “I promise,” Jack said. “He won’t bother you again.”

“You guys just wanna eat greasy food and watch bad horror for the rest of the night?” Mark asked. “Because Chiller is showing shitty movies all fucking month. God, I love October. It’s literally the best time of the year, hands down.” Mark clapped his hands in the air. “I’ll order pizza. Felix, turn that frown upside down. Sad feelings have no place in a vacation.”

“You’re right,” Felix sighed, sitting up. “Happy shit. Positivity. Forced emotion.”

“Something like that.” Mark threw the remote at Jack’s crotch. “Find a good movie. And by good, I mean really, really awful.”

. . .

Mark fell asleep in the middle of _Cube_ , and Felix found out he could stack about eleven slices of pepperoni on Mark’s cheek without waking him up. The only reason they stopped at eleven was because they ran out of pepperoni from the pizza Jack had ordered to the room. Felix was giggly as he denied himself sleep, staying awake with Jack for an unknown reason. Jack was just happy to have Felix pressed up against his side, warm and active. There was nothing like feeling Felix’s entire body shake the bed with laughter as they watched the people on the screen struggle more with acting than staying alive as their characters intended. 

Felix particularly loved to give the shoe bit shit. “Like, they could just throw the rest of their clothes too!” Felix insisted in a harsh whisper, gesturing at the movie. “It’s not like they’re out of resources without their shoes. Get naked! Your survival isn’t worth more than your decency! Plus, most of these people are hot. They’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.”

“They could have, like, low self esteem,” Jack tried to reason. He knew Felix was right. If he were stuck in a maze of deathly cubes, he’d strip to his birthday suit if need be. Sacrificing some clothes for his life wasn’t much of a question. 

“I’d strip to save my skin,” Felix said, sounding so assured of himself. “Hell, I’d solve this bitch in an hour! I’m good at puzzles, I swear I am. I beat Portal and Portal 2 in, like, a day each. I’m totally a puzzle master. Even the Water Temple in Zelda didn’t phase me.”

Jack slapped his shoulder. “Fuckin’ liar,” he accused. “I was there. Ye’ nearly cried and broke the controller.”

“I did no such thing,” Felix denied. He took a piece of pepperoni from the top of the Tower of Mark-zza, who was asleep on his own bed, and placed it on Jack’s nose. “See, Rudolph? You’re the liar.”

Jack made a face. “Ye’ know that’s Pinocchio, right?”

Felix sputtered something unintelligible, still looking a the movie. “F-fuck off.”

“And that’s the cue.” Jack sat up and switched off the television, bathing the room in darkness. Felix let out this pathetic little noise of protest, but nothing more. “You’re exhausted, yeah?” Jack asked, his voice lowered in the intimate blackness of the hotel room. He couldn’t see Felix’s face. It somehow felt even more revealing than the brightest light. “Let’s get ye’ t’ bed, Felix.”

Felix let out a sleepy little mumble. Jack heard the bed creak and Felix shifted, moving under the covers. “Mark’s still got pepperoni on his face,” Felix whispered. “Should get it off of him before he wakes up, right? He could get upset.” Felix’s voice was growing more muffled by the word, like his face was being pressed into the pillow. Jack was still sitting up, just picturing Felix lying beside him in bed. It felt almost too real— like it meant something it really didn’t. Jack dug his fingers into the mattress of the bed to distract himself from the tight clench of his chest. 

He wanted. Oh, how he wanted, but he’d promised to wait. Jack took in a shaky breath and peered into the darkness with no real focus in mind. He was sure he was looking somewhere close to the window, but couldn’t tell because Mark had insisted on shutting the curtains so efficiently that no streetlight could hope to pervade the dark room. Staring into the nothing helped Jack gather his control. Not that he was lacking, and not that he thought he would suddenly lose control and do something he regretted. Jack just needed to get his breathing somewhere normal enough that he could lie down beside Felix and not feeling like he was about to have heart palpitations. 

Jack sunk into the mattress and folded his arms over his chest, lying stiffly. He could still feel the presence of Felix near his side. The mattress was sunken inwards for where the Swede was lying, and as Felix shifted occasionally to get more comfortable, his knee would brush the side of Jack’s leg. Jack was sure Felix was too tired to understand how frustrating the teasing touch felt. He was sure Felix was too tired to understand much of anything.

“Felix.”

Jack’s voice was barely audible, a far cry from his usual loud tendencies. For a long moment, Jack thought Felix had really fallen asleep, until he heard a soft hum and a gentle “yeah?” in the darkness. His heart fluttered, and he quickly squashed down the feeling.

“Earlier today,” he murmured. “… By the fish tank. The purple ones.” He trailed off, his throat a little too dry.

“… Yeah?” Felix’s voice rang out again, a quiet understanding. Jack was scared to ask because he didn’t want to press his luck. He wasn’t even sure what he wanted to know. Jack wet his lips, letting himself take a moment to think, take a moment to avoid asking the wrong thing.

“… Am I that obvious?”

There was more shifting, and the rustling of sheets. If Jack focused hard enough, he could almost hear the sound of the skin of Felix’s legs running against each other. This made Jack think about Felix’s bare thighs, and that was almost too much for Jack. He clenched his hands into the front of his shirt. “Obvious about what?” Felix asked, sounding so tired and confused. “What was obvious?”

“Me," Jack clarified. “How… How I feel.”

Felix let out a soft chuckle. “Dudes don’t lie about sex dreams unless they have something to hide, Seán.” 

The subtle intimacy of Jack’s birth name made him shudder. It felt almost like an overreaction, but Felix’s deeper voice dragging over the syllables while half asleep sounded closer to sex than Jack had ever heard before. Now that he knew he could have that one day, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He wished he could sleep, just stay in slumber until Felix decided he was ready, but Jack was too excited to fall asleep like this. He had too much hope.

“I’ve known,” Felix mumbled. “I’ve known for a while. I'd just see the way you looked at me. The way you talked to me. I just… I knew.”

Jack wet his lips again. “Were you upset?”

Felix groaned and moved around a little more. “I mean, at first, yeah, I was pretty upset. After all this time, after being alone for so long, you come back and suddenly fall for me again? Seemed like a joke. Like the universe was taunting me. I felt like I couldn't handle trying at being with you again, and I still do feel that way, just a little. But I know you’re trying to make up for the past. I know you’re trying to show me I can trust you, and I do. I just… I’m struggling with other stuff. I have to make sure my friends are safe first.”

"Fe', please don’t think I’m tryin’ to push you,” Jack whispered, sitting up again. “I’m not asking ye’ t’ suddenly let me get with ye’ or whatever. I’m not tryin’ t’ push. I just want to know if I’ve got any sort of subtlety to me bones, or if I’m just hopelessly obvious for everyone to see.”

“You’re hopelessly obvious.” Felix giggled again. God, Jack wanted to gather the boy in his arms and just hold him. “Could’ve pinned you from a mile away as the dopey, love-struck fool you are.”

“So ye’ know I love ye’?” Jack grinned. He allowed himself one moment of weakness and reached into the darkness. He found Felix by touch, then threaded his fingers through Felix’s hair. Fuck, it felt better than he ever could have imagined. He had to ask what product Felix’s used, because his hair, even when so severely bleached, was soft as fucking silk, and glorious between Jack’s fingertips. He felt Felix stiffen, though, and pulled his hand away. “I… I’m sorry.”

“I meant it, Jack,” Felix said. “I-I can’t. Not yet. Please.” Felix’s breath trembled. “I'm not strong enough to not just give in, so I need you to stop trying to make me. Even if it’s not on purpose. I’m so sorry.”

Jack nodded. “Of course, Felix,” he said, as Felix couldn’t see the gesture in the dark. “I don’t want to make any of this harder fer ye’ than it already is.”

“Thank you.”

Jack lied back down. He was quiet for a moment. He had to ask one more thing. “… Does this mean no platonic cuddling?”

Felix snorted. “Night, Jack.”

“Night, Felix.”

Jack somehow felt better even after being denied. He smiled as he fell asleep.

. . .

Jack woke up with Felix’s head on his chest, Felix’s chest pressed to Jack’s side, and Felix’s legs knotted around his own, with one of Felix’s thighs sinking between Jack’s legs. Mark was above the bed, taking a picture with the goofiest grin. As Jack took stock of the situation, the rise and fall of Felix’s chest, the smell of the other boy, and the warmth Jack felt, he couldn’t bring himself to be mad. 

But Felix didn’t want anything to come about yet, so Jack made the adult choice and gently pushed Felix from his chest without harshly jostling him. He made a cutting motion at his throat to Mark, pointing at the phone right after to get his point across. Jack pried himself from Felix’s arms and got out of bed, running his hands through his hair and just looking down at the other boy, who was thankfully still asleep.

Jack was going to be the adult for them in this situation. He was going to keep anything from happening. Arm’s length in an eyes wide shut scenario. Jack took in a deep breath and watched over Felix for just a moment longer. He could do this.

“Uh, you okay?”

Jack could admit that his little moment of introspection would’ve looked odd to an outsider. But then again, Mark had to be a little used to Jack being weird as all fuck regardless. “I want that picture,” he told Mark. “A memento.”

“Oh no,” Mark said. “You’re totally cutting yourself off from him. This is too early.”

“Early bird gets the worm.” Jack sighed. Despite his rather confident pep talk to himself, he wasn’t very happy about pretending Felix had never said anything. He didn’t want to pretend that this weekend had never happened. The moment he’d shared with Felix in the aquarium felt like a dream come true, and now he had to pretend that one of the best things to ever happen to him hadn’t happened at all. But that was what being an adult was, right? Denying yourself the best of things for the betterment of others. For the betterment of Felix. “I’m doing this for him,” Jack said. “And that’s how I’m gonna have to see it to be able to get through this.”

“The way you were just asleep did not look like what you two discussed,” Mark commented.

“I can’t help what the fucker does in his sleep, fuckin’ sue me.” Jack shoved Mark a little with no intent to hurt. “I’m doin’ me best. Or at least, I’m gonna. Gotta make him feel comfortable enough to be himself cause god knows he's gonna be wearing a lot of masks this next week.”

Mark sighed unhappily. “… I say we let him sleep as long as he wants. You and I can probably do our own thing around the hotel. I’ve got to call Amy, and then I want to see how Tyler and Ethan’s date went. Got anything you need to do?”

Jack shook his head. “Probably just be creepy and watch him sleep.”

“Wow, okay, no.” Mark snickered. “Do you know Felix’s phone password? I wanna put my number in there. You and I are just gonna go out and explore the city in a general, close area. We’ll bring meals back and stuff, but I did promise my mom I’d get her a little something from our trip.”

“Ye’ sure it’s a good idea to leave him alone?” Jack asked.

“I have a feeling he’s going to sleep for much longer than you think.” Mark pat him on the arm. “Let’s let him have some personal time. Give him a moment to think and just enjoy himself on his own. I’ll bet he hasn’t had that in a while, yeah? He’s been with Michael all of these days, constantly at his side, constantly with other people.” There was something about the way Mark was talking that made Jack a little suspicious.

“You think he’s gonna wanna wank,” Jack deadpanned. 

“ _We’re fucking teenage boys, Jack, this is fucking biology._ ”

“We’ll go shopping fer yer mum, jesus,” Jack snorted. 

“Wow.” Mark looked impressed. “You didn’t even freak out over him masturbating like you did last time. You really are being the adult in this whole schtick. I’m proud of you, Jack. Maybe one day you’ll actually be mature enough to really date Felix!”

Jack showed him the bird. “Let’s just get this done, yeah? Promised to get ye’ home before dinner.”

“Your promise means nothing,” Mark replied. “You’re _buying_ dinner.”

. . .

Felix slept the entire fucking day, only waking when Mark and Jack came back with lunch. It was more than a good thing, and Jack couldn’t help but smile every time he saw Felix sprawled out across the bed like you would expect to see the average tired teen. It was almost weird to see Felix act like his age, and it was also really satisfying. 

Felix had practically gorged himself on the steak Jack had brought him. He’d sat there in the middle of the bed with the sheets pooled around his hips, hair all mussed up and in his face, slowly eating the steak like he wasn’t actually sure he existed beyond the meal he was eating. There was adorable autonomy to his actions, especially when he passed back out after finishing the potatoes and broccoli. 

“He’s so cute,” Mark snorted. “He’s like a puppy that went on a super long walk and can’t do anything else for the rest of the day.”

“Wow, Mark, I‘d almost think you were into him too.”

“Fight me, Jack, I still need to buy Amy a present. I have to morph into my romance mode to get an ample gift. Your boy is just the catalyst to my amazing boyfriend skills. I just need a funnel for it.” Mark made weird motions in the air. “A funnel. I’d try to turn it into a dick joke, but that would bring us dangerously close to sounding.”

Jack made a face. “What?”

“Ye’ dun wanna know,” Felix slurred from the bed.

“Oh jesus.” Mark’s face went red. “Well. Shit. He, he was listening.”

Jack snickered and nudged Mark’s hip. “How’s that catalyst workin’ for ye’?”

“It was fine until he caught on.” Mark sighed. “I swear, I’m only twenty-five percent gay.”

“Twenty-five?” Jack looked up at him with surprise. “I was guessing on seventeen. Twenty-five is way more than I ever expected. So is that, like, twenty-five percent gay for the average man? Or is it an even twenty-five spreads between a few particular people? Do I get, like, ten percent, Felix the other ten, and Leonardo DiCaprio the last five?”

“Leo gets twenty, you and Felix both get two-point-five.” Mark squinted. “… Actually, you get one percent. Felix gets four. Because he’s probably been listening to this gay equation the entire time and hasn’t once made a joke. That earns him at least one and a half default points out of respect.”

Felix raised a weak arm of celebration into the air, a groan swallowed up by the pillow his head was lying atop. 

“Let’s let him sleep,” Jack huffed. “Stop being his favorite.” Felix sputtered out a laugh from the bed and Mark looked a little prouder of himself than Jack would’ve liked. But again— Felix was getting rest. He was half asleep even in conversation. It was all Jack could’ve wanted from this reprieve. So he pulled Mark from the hotel room, with a smile on his face, leaving Felix to his peace and quiet.

. . .

Getting Felix to leave that night, though, was when Jack realized that all of this rest had well and truly fucked them over. Now that Felix’s body had gotten some sleep, it felt like it was entitled to at least another three days of unconsciousness. Jack couldn’t have that, and neither could Mark. 

They’d brought home dinner in the hopes of waking Felix up with the smell of delicious Italian foods, but their plan had quickly fallen flat. Felix didn’t stir—not even for the damn cannoli that Jack had been denying himself the pleasure of pigging out on since he’d bought the set. Now Felix wasn’t even eating the damn stuff. 

“It’s fucking melted cheese and carbs,” Mark had said to Felix’s basically lifeless body. “Who can say no to that?” Mark had even tried wafting the smell of the lasagna they’d gotten him as well as he could under Felix’s nose, but to no avail. Felix had just turned over with a snuffle and swatted his hand uselessly in the air to get rid of whatever fly on the wall that was bothering his dreams. Jack was relieved. Don’t get him wrong. So relieved. But he was also a little annoyed. 

“He can’t just fuckin’ sleep like this at home,” Jack grumbled. “No, he has to pass out in the middle of a fuckin’ hotel room, where we can’t just carry him down the car or anything. Not unless we want t’ look like a bunch o’ fuckin’ psychopaths, parading around their latest murder.”

“I would be a lot more tactful if I’d murdered someone,” Mark commented. “But you’re right. He’s definitely not making this easy.”

“He used to look so cute,” Jack bemoaned. “Now I just wanna kick his ass till he wakes up.”

Mark chortled. “You will do no such thing.”

“Felix!” Jack nearly shouted. He was trying to keep his voice low in consideration for the neighbors, but he also wanted Felix to wake the fuck up. “Up and at ‘em! There’s a fire! A hurricane! Tornado! All of the above!” Of course it didn’t work, Jack never expected it to work. “… We really might just have to carry him.”

Mark grumbled. “I’m gonna finish my dinner first.”

. . .

Felix woke up when there was cold water on his face. Jack discovered this to be true after trying way too many various tricks and techniques to wake the sleeping boy. He’d gone from relieved, to annoyed, to worried in the course of an hour. He’d never known someone to sleep so deeply and without any movement. Felix had been well and truly dead to the world. 

“Feel cold now,” Felix mumbled, his hair plastered to his unhappy face. 

“Sorry, dude,” Mark said as he carried his shopping spoils in both hands while standing near Felix in case Felix got a little dizzy and tipped over like he already had in the elevator ride down into the hotel lobby. Jack was in the middle of trying to check out and keep an eye on Felix at the same time. The guy became a real basket case when he was being a fucking dumbass, apparently. Jack had never known Felix to be so sleep deprived. This was all new territory for him. “We’ll get you in the car, and then get you home,” Mark told Felix with a kind smile. “Just another hour or so, then it’s back to your bed.”

Felix rubbed at his eyes. “Could you, uh, actually drop me off at Brad’s? I have to check on Michael.”

“Fuck no,” Mark replied cheerily.

“You’re going to yer own bed, Felix,” Jack said firmly. “You’re not sleepin’ anywhere else tonight. You’re gonna take some more fuckin’ time to yourself, and that’s it. That’s the final answer. I’ll watch yer house all night just to make sure you. Stay. Put.” Jack took his card back from the now-intimidated young lady at the front desk. Jack jabbed the corner of the card at Felix. “You’re fuckin’ goin’ to bed in yer own bed and that’s it.”

Felix looked too tired to argue. He was slumped against Mark, head his resting on the other boy’s shoulder. Felix watched Jack with a sort of glazed emptiness. It had to be because he was sleepy. It just had to.

Jack sighed and settled for just leading Mark and Felix outside. Felix continued to lean all of his weight against Mark as they walked to the car. While Jack looked around the city with a sort of melancholy, unhappy to leave, Felix barely casted his gaze upwards from the asphalt. Mark gently steered him into the back of the car and Felix passed out again.

“Wow,” Mark said. “That’s so weird.”

Felix snored softly in response, curling up in the seat, knees almost to his chest in what had to be the most uncomfortable way to lie in a car. It was like he was trying to only take up half of the back seat. Jack scowled and went to the other side of the car, opening the door to take Felix by the shoulders and drag him the rest of the way up the seat. Felix startled and let out a few words of Swedish that Jack didn’t understand before lying on his stomach and stretching out as much as he could. 

“There,” Jack said firmly. “Ready to go.”

Mark snorted a laugh at Jack’s manhandling and started the car as Jack slid into the front. “Gotta say,” Mark said as he pulled out of the parking lot and started the way back home. “We did what we came here to do. Felix has done nothing but eat and sleep this entire day. It’s what we wanted.”

Jack smiled a bit. “Thanks for helpin’ me, Mark. You’re an honorary Swedish caretaker.”

“I’m touched.” Mark shook his head. “Really, though. I feel like, wherever you and Felix end up is where Amy and I need to be as well. Because apparently you only succeed in getting Felix to eat when I’m there. With LOL, with this whole weekend.” Mark shook his head. “I’m your lucky star, Jack. You need me.”

“I’m gonna just pretend you didn’t just try to shove yourself and yer girlfriend into a hypothetically polygamous relationship with me and Felix,” Jack intoned, looking out the window. “Though I may actually let Amy know you’re up for orgies whenever the fuck she wants, and cock apparently isn’t a deterrent for you.”

Mark pursed his lips. “Fuck you.”

“That’s what ye’ve been saying, Mark, but I just don’t know if ye’ can really handle all of this juicy Irish goodness.” Irish gestured down his torso for emphasis, working hard to keep a straight face when he really just wanted to break down into a fit of giggles. “You’re teasin’ me, Mark. It just isn’t fair to me poor heart.”

“Excuse me, you and I both know that if we ever had an orgy, I would not have a problem because you can fuck a guy without touching their dick once. It may be inconsiderate, but it’s doable. So I’d just stick it in you both and call it a day.”

Jack gasped. “Excuse you! I’ll have ye’ know that I consider myself one of those stereotypical tops that technically don’t exist to the rest of the LGBT community, but definitely exist to me.”

“Felix is taller than you…”

“Yeah, that’s not how it works.” Jack finally let himself grin and shook his head. “Also, I was never with Felix. But I was with Robin, and I can assure you that that boy loved cock almost twice as much as me. Which is saying something.”

“A sickening part of me wants this conversation to continue,” Mark said. “All I wanna say is that I have, on accident, seen a bit of gay porn, and I can tell you that you qualify as one of those twink things.”

“So does Felix,” Jack replied. “Porn isn’t real life.”

“Is that how you defend yourself?”

“Think of it this way,” Jack said, sitting up a little straighter. “Ye’ may think I’m a bottom bitch, and that’s whatever, it’s your opinion. But ye’ have to admit, while I may be a bottom, Felix is _even more_ of a bottom than I am, making me a default top when it comes to him.” He held his hands up. “Get it?”

Mark was very red in the face now that Jack was looking at him. “This is the weirdest conversation I’ve ever had.”

Jack laughed and dropped back into his seat. “It’s all fer fun, Mark. Honestly, most people will say the whole top and bottom thing is a myth. I don’t really agree, but it’s not like I know every single damn boy that takes it up the ass and doesn’t. I don’t know how Felix feels about it either.”

“‘M a bottom bitch.”

Jack craned his neck back to look to where Felix was, a little surprised to hear the Swede’s voice. The poor guy must've been slipping in and out of sleep with Mark and Jack’s conversation. “See?” Jack grinned to Mark. “He gets it.”

“So weird.” Mark shook his head. “So freaking weird. Because all I can think about is Ethan and Tyler. Like, it should be obvious, right? One hundred percent obvious who’s on top. And yet…”

Jack choked on a laugh. “Oh my god, you’re right,” he snickered. “Ethan pegging Tyler is probably the weirdest thing I’ve ever pictured. But we can’t judge! Not allowed to judge. No judgement allowed here.”

Mark’s face was slowly being contorted into one of horror. 

“Stop picturing it,” Jack said. “Just, just stop. You’re not supposed to think about your friends having sex together, don’t do it.”

“Agh, my eyes!” Mark cried out. “I’m picturing it! Help me Jack!”

“I can’t save ye’,” Jack said solemnly. “I’m sorry, Mark. Ye’ need to accept the sweet embrace of homoerotic death.”

Mark wailed in agony, and from the back, Felix let out a weak wail of his own. “ _Jag vill ha sover!_ ” Felix whined. “ _Snälla…_ ”

“I’ll turn on some soothing classical music!” Mark exclaimed, reaching over Jack to get into the glove compartment and pulling out a CD. “Moonlight Sonata, Felix, it’ll put you right the fuck to sleep, don’t you worry!” He put in the disc and a beautiful, gentle melody flowed from the speakers. Jack didn’t actually know that much classical music, mostly because he’d been raised on rock and hymnal tunes. But he knew this piece. “No more talking,” Mark said in a low, almost sensual voice. “Felix… Felix must slumber.”

Jack looked over Felix in the rearview mirror and smiled softly as he watched Felix’s lungs rise and fall. He could remain silent for an hour or so, if just to enjoy that Felix gets that last little bit of rest.

. . .

Mark dropped them off in front of Felix’s house, and Jack very well intended on walking Felix to his front door just to make sure he didn’t fucking get in the truck and bug out to Brad’s. Jack followed Felix up Felix’s lawn, and Felix didn’t notice that Jack was following him until he was up the front porch steps. Felix faltered, turning to face Jack in a sleepy daze. 

“Wha…” Felix just kinda stood there, looking down Jack from one step above. He blinked slowly, like his brain hadn’t yet caught up with what he was seeing. “Are you… Are you staying over?”

Jack shook his head. “Just want to make sure ye’ actually get inside and don’t run off.”

Felix nodded slowly. “… That’s it? Really?”

Jack frowned, unsure as to what Felix could be so unsure about, until the original question replayed in Jack’s mind. “Felix, I meant it when I told ye’ that I’m willing to wait,” he said patiently. “I’m not about to jump down yer jeans or anything without yer explicit consent. I’m not about to keep pushin’ ye’ just cause we both know some new shit now. I’m not… I-I’m not a piece of shit, dude. I’m giving ye’ that time.”

Felix chewed on his lower lip, looking a lot more awake by the second. “I mean, not to sound like I’m asking you to change your mind, but… Are you sure?”

“I’m sure,” Jack said. “I’m not about to do anything.”

“Because the way you were talking with Mark…”

“Mark and I talked like that even before I knew about ye’ and how ye’ felt,” Jack said. “We’ve always shot the breeze about, ye’ know? Just kinda the way we’ve always been.” Jack gave him a crooked smile. “It doesn’t mean a thing, Felix. No pressure.”

“No pressure,” Felix repeated, his lips forming around the words like he was trying to understand them a little better. “I… I’m gonna go to bed.” 

Felix swayed as he began to turn around and Jack reached up to catch him, holding to Felix’s shoulder. From beneath Felix, Jack looked up and peered into Felix’s deep blue eyes. There was a beautiful flush to his cheeks and his lips were shining from how Felix had been biting them. Jack could count the hairs of stubble on his chin. They were close, far too close. The temptation to lean in that final inch and press his lips to Felix’s skin was too much. Jack could see something like anxiety broil in Felix’s eyes, and he knew what he did next would be the most important decision he could make today. 

Jack steadied Felix with a firm hand and leaned back. He saw naked relief wash over Felix’s face. “Get some sleep, Felix,” he said. “Some more sleep, that is. And if ye’ ever need me at all tonight, or any time at all, just call me, yeah? I’ll be over in a flash.”

Felix nodded. “Night, Jack,” he said. Then, a moment later. “… Thank you. For this weekend. For everything.” He smiled. “It means a lot to know I’ve got people I can count on, you know? For even the dumbest shit, the really, like…” Felix shook his head, like he’d forgotten the word. “ _Obekväm._ Causing trouble. Difficult, uh…” Felix scrunched his nose. “Fuck. I don’t know, dude.”

“Well, whatever the word is, I can assure ye’ that you’re not it,” Jack said with a chuckle. “None of the other words, either. You’re no trouble, Fe’.”

“Maybe not to you,” Felix remedied. “But Mark…”

Jack nodded. “Mark did a big thing for the both of us this weekend.”

Felix nodded back. “I’m, uh… I’m gonna go to bed.”

Jack smirked. “Think I can trust ye’ through the door? Or should I make sure ye’ get to bed as well?” He nodded to the front door. “I’m gonna watch ye’ put the key in there just to make sure ye’ don’t bolt once my back is turned.”

Felix giggled tiredly. “Dude, I haven’t even seen the state of this place after that party. For all I fucking know, Ken decided to break everything valuable in here, and all of his friends shit on the floor and burnt the grass in my backyard. Surprised my truck doesn’t have its windows busted in or something.”

Jack paused. “… Am I gonna see ye’ tomorrow at school?”

Felix shrugged. “Depends on if Michael goes or not.”

“And if Ken’s there?” There was no reason for Ken to be there, aside from preparing for the dance, so the likelihood of Ken being at the school wasn’t high. Jack still felt like he needed to ask.

Felix didn’t respond.

Jack sighed. “Hey,” he said, reaching out again to touch Felix’s shoulder, though this time out of a need to comfort him. “We’ve all been through the ringer at least once or twice. Ye’ve got friends who will watch yer back. Mark’ll beat ‘im with his trumpet, I’ll come around the back end with a few projectiles to the head, and then Brad will swoop in and break his jaw. We won’t let Ken fuck with ye’. I made ye’ a promise that he wouldn’t mess with ye’ ever again, and I intend to keep it. So you’ve got nothing to worry about.”

“I know,” Felix said. “I… I do. I trust you guys, I just also kinda know that the world doesn’t always pay attention to what we want.” He smiled shakily at Jack. “But hey. You’re a stubborn fucking bastard. I’m sure you can do things no one else can.” Felix pulled back and slumped towards his door. “I’ll get some more rest. Promise.”

“I’ll be waitin’ tomorrow morning for ye’, whether it’s to see you off to Brad’s or catch a ride to school” Jack said. At this, Felix send him a blinding smile. 

“Thank you, Jack,” Felix said sincerely. “I… Just, thank you.” Felix turned with that smile still on his lips and opened the front door, disappearing into his dark house. Jack turned and walked down the lawn with the warmest sensation in his chest, knowing he’d done something right.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i remember the time my friend got drop kicked in the dick during band practice 
> 
> i haven't seen anything more glorious since

“So you’re sure they won’t be upset if Michael sits with you guys?” Felix had probably asked that same question at least three times as Jack and Felix and Michael walked to the cafeteria. Michael was too stoned out of his gourd to understand anything other than the prospect of food, leaving Felix to do all the worrying for him. And Felix was really fucking good at worrying.

“I don’t wanna piss anyone off,” Felix continued, like he hadn’t posed all of these terrible possibilities to Jack a million times already. There had been something off about Felix all of today, actually. He was ruminating, worrying over every little thing, eyes darting to check around corners, and being overall paranoid, like Jack was often accusing him of being. “Especially that Kathryn girl. I’ve seen the way she looks at me, and at Michael, and I really don’t want to start anything.”

“Ye’ve already sat with us before,” Jack said, not even paying attention to where he was going. Most of his focus was on his phone as he went through the long string of text messages Ethan had left him asking Jack how he was supposed to beat some villain in a new game that Jack hadn't even played yet. How the fuck was he supposed to know? Ethan had such unrealistic expectations for him. “No big deal, Felix.”

“Michael’s never sat with them,” Felix pointed out for the fucking billionth time.

“My name is, is Michael, yes,” Michael agreed contentedly, smiling at a trophy case as they passed it by. “I hope they have potatoes for us at the hall. I wish to eat so many potatoes. Preferably fried to a golden crisp.” Michael’s smile became dreamy. “I shall devour the sun.”

“Ye’ sure he’s just dancin’ with Mary Jane??” Jack asked Felix with a raised brow as he watched Michael hypnotize himself by twirling his fingers through the air. “Seems like there’s some sort of fuckin’ ecstasy influence in him or somethin’. Crack-cocaine spider.”

“It’s just weed,” Felix said. “Though, like, twice as much as he usually takes. I may have encouraged an extra blunt or two this morning.” Felix winced. “It’s that noticeable, huh? I had him smoke a quick one before third period too. I, I’ve basically been drugging him into a stupor, haven’t I? I was just so worried about him going back to school, I was worried about how he’d be treated.” Felix ran his hands over his face, quickly becoming horrified. “Holy shit, I’m the worst fucking person. I am the worst fucking person.”

“Felix, calm down,” Jack said, putting way his phone to reach up and fuck up Felix’s hair. “You’re not drugging him, not really. If he didn’t want to smoke the shit, he’d say so. Michael’s got a good enough head on his shoulders.” Jack knew that from what Michael had told him before their weekend. “Say it with me, Felix. You’re not drugging him.”

“I’m not drugging him,” Felix repeated, like he was trying to avoid that panic attack. “I’m not. Right? I… I’m not doing this against his will.”

“I love strawberries,” Michael said from beside Felix. “Do they serve fresh fruit? I have forgotten.”

“He’s fine, Felix,” Jack snorted. 

“Fine doesn’t mean it was with his consent,” Felix argued. 

“I love weed too,” Michael said pointedly. Maybe he was much less stoned than Jack had given him credit for. “Very nice. Very good for hard nights.” He smiled at Felix and Jack. “Potatoes and strawberries, yes?”

“Lunch will go fine,” Jack said. “Ye’ didn’t drug him against his will. Let’s just get him some food, yeah? Both of ye’.”

“I ate breakfast,” Felix pointed out. Jack didn’t know if that was true or not, as Jack hadn’t seen Felix this morning before school. He hadn’t seen Felix until know, and all he was seeing was a nervous wreck. But he wasn’t about to start a fight. 

“And I’m very proud of you for it,” Jack said with an easy grin. “But a bouncing baby boy such as yourself requires at least three square meals a day, Felix, and I intend to make sure ye’ get what ye’ need.” Felix looked a little unhappy as Jack led him into the cafeteria. “I’ve asked Mark to grab us some lunch already, so there’ll be plenty waitin’ for us.” He brought Felix and Michael to the lunch table and sent everyone sitting down a wide smile. “Look who I’ve brought!”

There was a chorus of helloes, all of them friendly enough. Ethan gestured wildly to his phone, obviously wanting to talk to Jack about the game he’d been messaging him for. Jack rolled his eyes and pulled out chairs for Felix and Michael before sitting down next to Mark. Felix grimaced when he sat and shifted. Mark pushed a tray piled with food over to Jack, who pushed the same tray onto Felix and Michael. Michael gasped, loud and excited. “Potatoes!” he cried out, snatching up the tater tots like a child taking their favorite candy. He began to nibble on the small bites, smiling in a daze. So he was still pretty stoned. Jack couldn’t help but chuckle. 

“So, I’m gonna ask about how suit shopping went before Ethan can launch into some crazy story,” Jack said, mostly directed to Tyler. “Didja find the color ye’ wanted? Did ye’ even have a color in mind?”

“Ethan decided we’re gonna coordinate with bright fuchsia,” Tyler intoned. “Matching our vests and bowties was really the only way I could talk him out of buying an entirely fuchsia suit instead.”

“Fuchsia is the in color this season, you don’t understand!” Ethan whined.

“Fuchsia would look terrible with your hair color,” Michael said around a mouthful of his long sought-after potatoes. “You, you would look better with a black. Or maybe, maybe a yellow?”

“Don’t encourage him,” Tyler groaned as Ethan became ten times more elated.

“Tyler, we have to go back,” Ethan said. “We have to find yellow suits.”

“If you wear yellow, we can’t be friends,” Amy said from beside Mark, picking idly at her nail polish. “Mark and I are coordinating with red, so yellow would make you guys look like a McDonalds next to us. I’m not going to be equated to a Happy Meal, Ethan.”

“You’d be the Big Mac among french dries from the dollar menu, baby,” Mark said, putting an arm over her shoulder and kissing her cheek. “We’re going to look great in red.”

“Not like we had a choice,” Amy snorted. “Nothing else would work with your already red hair.”

“I refuse to change who I am to accommodate the image society wishes me to have.”

Michael choked on some tater tots with his giggle. “He is a poet.”

“So profound,” Amy agreed with a grin directed at Michael. Then she stuck out her hand to him. “Cool to see you again, dude! Movie night was awesome. We should definitely do it again sometime.”

Michael perked up. “You do not think I am very weird for saying what I did? Because most people would—”

“You’re not saying it in public,” Felix interrupted firmly. 

“But I—”

“Michael, please.”

Michael looked very unhappy, but he sat back and ate the last of his tater tots. “I would very much like another movie night, yes,” he said to Amy. “We, we should watch every single Stephen King movie. Especially the Langoliers.”

“That’s your favorite?” Ethan snorted. “Not _The Mist?_ You’ve got the fucking amazing story of friendship in _Stand By Me_ , you’ve got the horror of _It_ , and you’ve got the heartbreaking tale of _Cujo_. All of that magic, and you choose the _Langoliers?_ ”

“You seem very judgmental for a person that thought fuchsia would match the cyan of their hair,” Michael shot back. 

“ _Carrie!_ ” Ethan continued to list. “ _Pet Cemetery! Christine!_ ”

“ _Fuchsia and cyan._ ” Michael was giggling. 

“I should not have such decisions held against me in the face of your own mistakes!” Ethan was laughing too.

“My, my movie taste is confined to the living room. Your terrible taste in suit color coordination would have, have blessed the entire school with aneurysms and cataracts come the dance.”

“Does anyone know how the dance is going?” Jack asked, mostly looking to Kathryn and Amy. They were the most likely to be in the know, and Kathryn hadn’t said a word since Jack had sat down at the table. He wanted her talking. “What’s the setup looking like?”

“It’s all flowers and shit,” Kathryn said with this air of unwillingness. She was watching Michael out of the corner of her eyes like she wasn’t sure what she thought about his general existence with a history textbook lying open in front of her. “They’re going with a floral theme, some weird thing like sunflowers. I think it’s really the best way for them to do a good ol’ Christian theme with good music and not worry about girls and boys fucking in the middle of the dance floor.”

“I thought the theme was Wizard of Oz,” Amy said.

“Is that what that is?” Kathryn asked. “Red flowers, sunflowers, what?”

“You poor, uncultured soul,” Amy lamented. 

“But what about…” Jack trailed off, unsure of how to bring this up.

“Ken,” Felix sighed, sitting slouched in his chair. “What about Ken.” Felix didn’t phrase it as a question. There was a weariness underneath his eyes. 

Kathryn made a face. “Dude, what even happened at that party? My brother wouldn’t shut up about some fight that he ran away from. You promised me everything would be cool, Jack. That my brother wouldn’t be near trouble.”

“In my defense, Ken wasn’t exactly something I’d expected,” Jack huffed. “He just kinda showed up unannounced.”

“Very rude!” Michael exclaimed, his voice uncharacteristically raised. “He, he just arrived! He came into Felix’s home and made everything so un-homely! Felix, do you even feel safe in that house anymore?”

Jack sat up straighter— he honestly hadn’t even thought to consider that Felix may not have even wanted to be in his home for different reasons than just worrying for Michael. Fuck, Jack should’ve offered for Felix to stay the night. Jack could’ve slept on the couch. Felix shook his head. 

“My house hasn’t been my home in ages,” Felix said. “It didn’t get to me all that much. Slept just fine last night.”

“Jesus christ,” Jack groaned. That only made him feel worse.

“Is your brother okay” Felix asked Kathryn. “I, I’m really sorry about all that, dude. Like, I didn’t even fucking know Ken was back in town. I had no idea he’d be there, and I… I don’t really know how he even got in.” Jack found this aggravatingly ironic, as Kathryn had been the one to keep Ken a willing secret from everyone. She was guilty of what had happened that night. “

He must’ve had some friends who knew,” Felix continued. “Which leads me to believe this was planned, because why else would he go to the party of his ex unless he wanted to fuck with me, right? People don’t just do that unless they have some sort of plan. And I’m not being paranoid.” Felix sent Mark and Jack pointed looks when he said that. “Maybe he’s not out to ruin my life, but he’s definitely after something. He wouldn’t have come to the party if he wasn’t.”

“Maybe he just wanted to meet Jack?” Ethan suggested. “That was what he said, right? That he was happy to meet Jack.”

“That’s so fucking weird,” Tyler mumbled, looking upset. “Fucking just… Warn me next time the guy comes around. I’m serious. The dude rubs me the wrong way, I don’t want any of you guys getting near him for this shit.”

“What’s with the sudden macho front?” Jack asked with a frown.

Tyler nodded to Michael. “Dude looks like a basket case.” He then nodded to Felix. “Guy looks like a trauma victim.” He lastly nodded to Jack. “And you’re my friend. I try to make a point in not letting bullies mess with people who don’t deserve it.”

“It’s true!” Ethan exclaimed proudly. “That’s how we met. I was getting the crap kicked out of my and Tyler shoved the dude’s face into the dirt.”

“Goals,” Michael said wistfully. 

“Tyler’s a real kick in the teeth,” Ethan giggled, holding onto the larger man’s arm like a swooning princess. 

“I'm serious,” Tyler said, keeping his tone firm. “Don’t… Please just call me or something. Felix, gimme your phone.” Felix handed over his cell after a second, letting Tyler plug in his number. “I know you have other friends,” Tyler said as he concentrated on his contact information. Tyler snapped a quick photo of Ethan for the contact picture. “And I know you’re not, like, alone. I heard about what Brad did. But Brad can’t come on campus like Ken can, meaning you need to have someone who can throw a punch. I don’t mind being that person if you need it.” Tyler handed back the phone, then looked to Michael. Michael held up empty hands.

“I do not like the dependency,” Michael said. “Also, I like avoiding calls from attorneys.”

“Then go to Felix and have him call me,” Tyler said. “For anything. From walking you home, to punch a dude in the dick. I don’t care. I’ll be there.”

Felix looked floored. “Thank you,” he said, and Jack knew it was sincere. Felix wasn’t up to his optimum strength these days, and the fight at the party had probably left Felix with a lot of lingering anxiety concerning his ability to defend himself and Michael. Jack was relieved to know Felix didn’t have only Jack to depend on. Because while Jack wished he could be there at Felix’s beck and call, sometimes Jack wasn’t fast enough. 

“Me too,” Mark suddenly cut in. “Call me whenever for whatever. Jack can’t always just come, you know? But between me and Tyler and Jack, someone will always be there.”

“I volunteer myself as tribute as well!” Amy said, her hand shooting into the air.

“Me too!” Ethan said. “I’m basically useless except I’m good at creating amazing distractions that will allow you a quick and speedy escape.”

“Consider us your in-school posse,” Mark said with an easygoing smile, like he wasn’t giving himself up to what could be a lot of trouble. “You’ve really turned out to be a good guy, Felix. And Michael? You’re a fucking joy to be around, high or not. We like you both and we want you guys to feel welcome with us.”

Jesus, Felix looked like he was about to cry. It had to be a huge weight off of his shoulders, to know he wouldn’t have to watch his back so obsessively. Jack put a hand on Felix’s shoulder, just a simple gesture to give comfort. Felix rubbed at his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie and his smile trembled. “Thanks, guys,” Felix said. “I’ll try not to be a giant fucking pussy right now, fucking christ.”

“Do you always cry this easily or are you this starved for affection?” Ethan asked. 

“Wow, okay, let’s not cut into the guy’s psyche too deeply,” Amy said, swatting at Ethan’s chest. “Just, Felix, hey. There’s nothing wrong with being emotional.”

“Jesus christ, fucking fuck, let’s not,” Felix choked out, waving his free hand in front of himself. “I’m already so fucking embarrassed, let’s not blatantly humiliate me, please and thank you.” Mark snickered and Jack kicked him under the table. “I’m not an emotional person, god dammit,” Felix continued. “I, I don’t cry. I don’t cry.”

“You are a liar,” Michael snickered. “I, I would like more potatoes.” Tyler pushed the last of his tater tots across the table, and Michaels’ eyes lit up. “I am sorry for critiquing you, Felix,” he said in a rush. “I am about to cry as well, out of gratitude. I thank you deeply, friend.”

“You talk like Shakespeare,” Ethan commented. “It’s kinda cool.”

“I do no such thing,” Michael refused as he ate. 

“Of course not,” Mark said. He was watching Felix. Jack glanced to the Swede and then noticed the untouched food. Ah, yeah, neither of them were going to stand for that. “Felix, ever played airplane?” Mark asked.

Felix groaned and then picked up an apple. “Sorry,” he said, giving Mark and Jack an unprecedented admittance to knowing that not eating was wrong. Thank fuck for that. “It’s hard to think about eating when I’m thinking about Ken, too.” 

“He won’t touch you,” Tyler said vehemently. Jack nodded his agreement

Felix shook his head, looking to the doors of the cafeteria. Had something happened?

“He's in the fucking school, though, isn’t he?” Felix visibly shuddered. “Feels wrong. I thought he was gone for good. I thought I was… free of him, however weird that sounds. I’d thought he couldn’t get to me ever again because I literally cut myself off from everything he's ever liked. Games, sports, fucking, uh…” Felix shook his head. “Literally everything, okay? I’ve been careful. I’ve even stopped going to my favorite lunch place because it was his favorite too. I showed him the place. Now I will never go back because I don’t want to chance running into him. And then, no matter how fucking careful I was, he just shows right back up. Throws it all apart.” Felix grimaced. “Just doesn’t seem fair. On top of everything else, there’s already this.”

Michael slumped over and rested his head on Felix’s shoulder. “ _Es tut mir leid._ ”

“What was that?” Ethan asked. 

“It isn’t your fault,” Felix sighed. "It just kinda sucks.”

“Could be worse,” Kathryn said. “Michael could’ve actually died.”

“Holy shit, Kathryn, not okay,” Amy said.

Felix, though, nodded. “There is that,” he admitted. “And… Jack’s back. And you guys are all pretty cool.” He sighed, and repeated: “could be worse.” Kathryn just nodded and went back to her textbook. Jack blinked slowly. Did that just work? As quickly as that? 

“Thanks for lunch, Mark,” Felix said, putting away the apple core. The apple was stripped.“I’m, uh. I’m gonna go to class early. Kinda wanna beat the possibility of running into any of Ken’s cult following,” and shit, Jack hadn’t thought of that. The girl in the fight went to their school. She could just as easily start shit here as anywhere else. No wonder Tyler had been so adamant on Felix feeling like he could call him for anything. “I’ll see you guys later,” Felix said. He waved and Michael stood with him. 

“You’re welcome with us any time,” Amy told him with a wide smile. The smile Felix returned to her was genuine. 

Felix and Michael left. Jack turned to his friends with a huge grin. “I fuckin’ love ye’ fucks,” he said. For all of Felix’s fears, that couldn't have gone better.

. . .

Jack was waiting outside for Mark after having said goodbye to Michael and Felix for the day. The goodbye had been tentative, as Felix still looked a little wary that Jack would just plant one on him out of indignation, and Jack completely understood. Felix was irresistible. Though Jack was sure Felix didn’t necessarily have the esteem for that train of thought right now, Felix was probably just worried because Jack was so obviously in love now that it was out in the open. Jack would often just smile adoringly at Felix when no one was looking. He would also look at Felix like that when people were watching too. The only person Jack didn’t let see was Felix himself.

Jack was still smiling to himself as he leaned against the flagpole. Mark was picking up his instrument for some fucking reason, saying he had to meet with some first chair trumpet players from the marching band. Jack was going to give him another five minutes before he barraged Mark’s phone with senseless messages. He heard an engine stall somewhere in front of him, but didn’t think much of it. He was too busy browsing on his phone, just eating up the time. A shadow suddenly covered his frame.

Jack looked up, then jumped when he saw Ken looming above him. “Oh fuck.”

Ken held up his hands. “Not here to fight, dude.” The man moved to Jack’s left and leaned against the statue that was next to the flagpole. The statue was some fucking deer with its head held high. Jack watched Ken like a cornered animal. He had a feeling taking off and running down the parking lot would be a bad idea, especially since Ken’s car was parking right in front of the school. Would Ken run him over? Now Jack was sounding like Felix. 

“What do you want?” Jack asked, sounding more scared than he’d wanted to. He had half a mind to call Tyler. 

Ken shrugged. “Would you believe me if I said I kinda wanted to talk to you?”

Jack didn’t believe him. “Fuck no.”

“Well, it’s the truth.” Ken smirked at him. “I’ve heard a lot about you, Jack. A whole shit ton from Felix, and almost all of it good.” That was surprising. “He would praise you every fucking second he could work you into a conversation, which was actually pretty rare.” Ken smiled to himself. “I almost looked forward to hearing about you. You guys always had such fun adventures, from the sound of it. I was a little jealous for a while.”

“So Felix has said,” Jack replied. 

“Felix…” Ken sighed. “Felix has gotten me all wrong, dude. _You’ve_ got me all wrong.”

“I find that hard t’ believe.”

“I’m telling the truth!” Ken defended with a disarming smile and a laugh. “I’m not that much of an asshole, really. Felix and I just had a really rough breakup. Not everyone works out in this world, you know. Not everyone gets their Disney moment. For the longest time, I’d thought Felix would be my high school sweetheart. I didn’t ever consider not being with him. Course, I was just some fucking kid, but that doesn’t mean I was wrong for back then.” Ken shook his head, looking too his own phone now. “I was sad that we didn’t work out. Still am.”

Jack narrowed his eyes. He still felt like he had to run. 

“Still, Felix isn’t that bad,” Ken said. “He likes you. Good people tend to have good taste.” That smile became more indulgent that nostalgic. Fuck, was Ken flirting again? Jack had been assured it wouldn’t be a problem. “I know he may have given you the impression that I hate you, but that’d be nothing further from the truth.”

“Why are ye’ tellin’ me this?” Jack demanded.

“No reason, other than that I want you to understand that Felix isn’t necessarily right. He may not be wrong, but he isn’t right either. About me.”

“I think I’ve got a pretty fuckin’ solid idea of who ye’ are, dude.” Jack pushed off from the flagpole, fully intending on leaving. 

“Seán,” Ken said, stopping Jack in his tracks. “I’m not that person. Has it ever occurred to you that Felix could be wrong? I’m not asking you to call him out on it. Not asking you to think any less of him. But his mom leaving… that shit messed him up, Seán, and I know you know it did. He sees monsters behind all corners and curtains and no one has been able to help him. I couldn’t help him. You can’t help him. No one can. I’m not asking you to turn on him again, I’m just asking you to consider that this entire school isn’t as wrong about me as you think it is. How could I have ever managed to charm an entire fucking student body? Just ain’t possible.”

Jack hated that the logic made sense outside of fiction, but he was also stubbornly loyal as all hell to Felix now. So he shouldered his bag and flipped Ken off, turning away to go find Mark. He heard Ken sigh.

“Can you do me one favor, then?” Ken called out. “Can you check Felix’s hips?”

Jack frowned, still facing away. He wouldn’t give Ken the satisfaction of a response (let alone a _fucking favor_ ), but he knew he couldn’t ignore what he didn’t understand.

. . .

The conversation didn’t leave him alone, though. 

It wasn’t because he thought Ken was right or anything, and it wasn’t because he was starting to consider that Ken might not be a bad person. Jack was certain, beyond a shadow of a fucking doubt, that Ken had fucked Felix up on purpose and fucked him over in ways Jack hadn’t thought a kid close to their age was capable of. 

Jack couldn’t stop thinking about what Ken had said, not because Ken had an argument, but because Ken apparently felt the need to get Jack on his side. Why would he want that? Why would he care if Jack liked him or not? Did Ken just need to be liked by everyone in general? Did he want to one-up Felix? Did he have a specific use for Jack? At the risk of sounding paranoid (and that seemed to be going around lately), Jack mostly entertained the idea that Ken just wanted Jack on his side. There was something to be said about being safer in groups. Ken just wanted to beef up his numbers.

Still, a small part of Jack was a little scared that Ken wanted to get to Jack to hurt him. Mark had insisted Ken wouldn’t be out to get revenge, but what the fuck did anyone know anymore? Ken had been true to his word— he hadn’t started a fight in front of the school. But just because Ken was good at choosing his lies didn’t mean he was anything close to harmless. In fact, that kinda just meant the opposite. Good liars scared Jack. He had a hard time ever knowing the truth with people who were good at pulling the wool over your eyes. 

Then there was the thing about Felix’s hips. Did Ken have some fixation with Felix’s body? Jack could understand that better than anything, because Felix was gorgeous and that was a simple fact of life. Jack had spent many a night imagining the slender planes of Felix’s body, the length of his legs and the arch of his spine. He could understand wanting to see Felix’s hips, especially when Felix did that dumb thing where he put all his weight on one foot and cocked his hip out, making his ass look delicious. But why the fuck would Jack ever take particular notice and then report back to Ken? That was a horrifying breach of Felix’s privacy. 

Jack couldn’t let this keep bothering him. He was starting to lose sleep. Not actually, he’d really only spent that first not mulling it over and then had been off into dreamland a hour into it, but Jack still didn’t want to become a worrier. Felix did it enough for the both of them. 

“He just said it so weird,” Jack told Lilly, unable to keep his thoughts to himself by fucking Wednesday. Lilly hardly knew any of the shit going down, so she couldn’t criticize him for lingering on paranoid thoughts. “He… He talked more about himself and me more than Felix, but that doesn’t make sense, ye’ know? Why would he… Why would he care more about me?”

Lilly shook her head. “No fucking clue, my man. I have, like, no friends for a reason. I’m bad at people. Especially exes.”

“It’s just so awful,” Jack groaned, tugging at his hair as he watched Lilly make his pumpkin spice latte. He didn’t often get such a pricey drink, but Felix had gotten a macchiato of his own with extra whipped cream, so Jack didn’t feel that bad. “Like what in the... Am I being recorded? Is this the Truman show but with greener hair and a cuter face?” Lilly snickered and Jack cracked a grin of his own. “C’mon— I love me some Jim Carrey as much as the next man that loves laughin’, but I’ve definitely got him in the good looks.”

“I’ll have to give you that,” Lilly said with a smirk. “You do look good in green, though. That’s another similarity.”

“Oh no.” Jack’s widened his eyes. “All this time… I am Jim Carrey.”

Lilly laughed and pushed Jack’s drink across the pickup table. “You wouldn’t be stuck in a town like this if you were Jim Carry, dude.” She paused in making Felix’s drink. “… You really not gonna make a move?”

Jack shook his head and took a sip of his drink. Lilly was a damn coffee genius. “At his request,” he clarified for her. “I’m doing what’s best for him.”

“What about what’s best for you?”

“I did that once,” Jack said. “Or at least, what I thought was best for me. Turns out I’m absolute shite at making decisions for myself. I’m better off doing what’s best for others and finding happiness in that.”

Lilly stared at him like she was seeing a ghost. “Who are you and what have you done with the dumb green kid that kept making moon eyes at my Swedish crush?”

“Ye’ ever thought about how great of friends we would’ve been had ye’ gone to school with us?” Jack grinned over the rim of his drink. “We’d’ve raised hell, Lilly. Hell and high waters.”

“I definitely wouldn’t have the scholarships keeping me alive and fed right now,” she snorted. “And since you just told me you can’t make decisions for yourself, I’d like to draw your attention to Felix.” She nodded towards the bathroom. “He’s been in there for a while.”

Jack frowned. Felix had been off since Monday. He’d been late out of the house this morning and his hands had shook on the steering wheel regardless of how tightly Felix had gripped the thing. He’d had a hard time talking to Jack this morning, and there was obviously something wrong. But Jack couldn’t let himself be this clingy. “He’s a grown ass boy. He can spend as much time as he needs in there.”

She shrugged. “Just sayin’.”

Felix came out of the bathroom with a haggard expression that immediately washed itself from his face when he saw Jack and Lilly. Felix smiled tiredly to them both and gave them a small wave.

“Didja fall in?” Lilly asked, going for nonchalant. She pushed out Felix’s finished drink. Jack saw sprinkles through the little drink hole atop the whipped cream. He was sure Felix would love the treat. 

“Something like that,” Felix sighed. “We, uh… We’ve got to go, right? Already late as it is.”

“Gotta say,” Jack began as he slid out of his chair. “I’ve ditched, I’ve left in the middle of class, and I’ve fallen asleep in the hall during passing period, but I have never, ever been late to school.” Jack grinned and punched Felix’s shoulder. “Lookit you, Fe’, being here for yet another one of my firsts.”

“This isn’t one of the good ones, you know,” Felix said with a snort and a weary shake of his head. “Fucking Michael wanting to actually take the bus for the first fucking time in his life. Can’t imagine why.”

“He likes Tyler and Ethan,” Jack said. “Ye’ know that. And he wants to prove himself or something. He wants to be better.”

Felix shrugged. “Ready to go?” Jack could understand his wariness. Fucking two days was suddenly all it took for Michael to put himself in the public again, go off on his own for at least a few minutes a day until Ethan got on the bus that picked up Michael three stops before. It had been a bizarre turn of events that had effected Felix in the weirdest way. He hadn’t been happy. He hadn’t been upset. He’d just been… nothing. Jack was sure Felix was waiting for things to go wrong again. But Jack was going to remain positive for them both. Michael was making friends and branching out, and so soon after such a dark time in his life. It was a good thing. 

Felix pulled into the parking lot just as the final bell rang. Jack grinned at the Swede, wide and bright. “Look at ye’,” he said. “Takin’ me late-bell virginity. You’re a real naughty devil, Felix, and you should be proud of yourself.”

Felix shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Sure thing, Jack,” he said. “Look, uh. I heard a little bit of what you were saying back there. And Mark mentioned some shit about Ken actually finding you after school.” He took in a shaky breath. “I-if you really think Ken is going after you, directly, for whatever reason, then maybe you and I shouldn’t really see each other until he’s gone. Until after the dance.”

Jack frowned. “This is sudden,” was all he could say. “Really sudden.”

“I’ve been thinking.” Felix shook his head. “I don’t want you getting dragged any further into my shit than you already are. The weekend was amazing and it was really what I needed, but I have this awful feeling in my chest that something’s going to happen, something that I can’t describe. And the safest thing to do is just kinda lie off one another until Ken’s gone. It won’t be long. Not like last time. I promise.”

Jack nodded slowly. “And do I have any sort of say in this?”

Felix sighed, his hand falling from the steering wheel into his lap. “Sure, I guess.”

“I think that’s a stupid fucking idea.”

Felix grimaced. “Yeah. That’s kinda exactly what I was expecting you to say.”

“Then why would ye’ even suggest it?” Jack twisted in his seat to face Felix. He had an easier time with hard conversations when he could read Felix’s eyes. Or at least, try to read him. “Especially after the weekend. After what ye’ told me. You think you can drop that sort of bombshell and then tell me to walk away a few days later? I can handle holding back, I can handle barely touchin’ ye’, but I can’t fuckin’ leave ye’.”

“It’s just until Monday,” Felix said. “I, I’m having nightmares again, okay? And by again, I mean the nightmares you… you never really knew about. Because I haven’t really had them in a while. And they came back when we came back to town, back to where Ken was. So I know that they’ll be gone once he’s gone, just like a whole bunch of my fucking problems right now. I just… I need to know that he won’t be, like, trying to hurt you too.”

“He can’t really be after me,” Jack said, lying to himself. “We’re paranoid, Felix. We’re just jumpin’ at shadows in the woods like we would when we were kids. Ken’s not a monsters, he’s hardly even a villain. He’s just a kid who did some bad stuff that he regrets.”

Felix’s expression darkened. “Is that what he told you?”

Jack knew he’d said the wrong thing. “I didn’t mean it like that.” Felix’s face didn’t change. Something awful brooded behind his eyelids, and Felix shifted again in his seat. For a split second, Jack wanted to ask if he was hurt. 

“I had a hard night, Jack,” Felix bit out. “I’d appreciate not having to hear you swallowing his shit like the rest of his fucking zombies.”

“I’m not like them, and you know it,” Jack denied carefully. He deserved the edge of hostility in Felix’s tone. Regardless of who said what, Jack shouldn’t have belittled what Felix had gone through. Felix had been, what, fifteen? Sixteen? And Ken a year his senior. It didn’t matter if half the shit had happened. Just one of the things Felix had described for Jack was all it took to label the relationship as abusive to fucking hell and back. “I’m sorry for saying that. I was wrong.”

“God damn fucking right,” Felix said, though his voice trembled more with turmoil than anger. “Fuck. _Fuck!_ Fuck, Jack. Get out of my truck.” And after a moment: “please.”

Jack got out, stepping onto the asphalt with a heavy heart. He heard Felix exit the car after him. “Just until after the dance,” Felix said firmly. “After that, it’ll be fucking whatever. But we won’t see each other until then if I can help it.” Felix’s vice wavered. “… Seeya soon, Jack.” Jack watched him go, ready for another few days of being completely beside himself with an insane need to see the damn Swede. But apparently, it couldn’t be helped. He just wished their last conversation hadn’t been a fight.

Jack sighed and followed a good twenty yards behind Felix into the school, taking his time in watching the other boy. He wasn’t sure when he would actually see him again.

. . .

Turned out, Jack would see Felix again in just under four hours. Sitting at the lunch table, talking idly about Amy’s apparent decision to get a new dress, waiting for everyone else to show up. Ten minutes into their lunch, but Kathryn and Tyler were still missing. Ethan was only being kept form losing his shit by Michael, who was showing him how to make houses out of paperclips. 

“Tough luck for you, dude,” Mark had been saying. “Felix is going weird on you already. I’m not saying he’s wrong, but… I definitely think he’s wrong, considering we’re fucking teenagers and there’s no real threat for him to be protecting you from. You said something about nightmares. Have you considered he’s just getting stressed out again like he did a week or so ago?”

Jack had been about to answer when Tyler suddenly burst into the cafeteria with Kathryn and Felix close behind. Half the heads in the cafeteria snapped to see what the loud noise had been, but Jack could barely notice them when he saw the faces of his friends. Tyler looked like he had just come out of some sort of screaming fit, Kathryn looked freaked to all hell, and Felix looked drawn, like skin stretched over a rack to dry in the sun. Tyler had a firm grip on Felix’s upper arm and was pulling him along. Tyler pushed Felix into an empty seat, then started to pace just behind him. 

“What the fuck happened?” Mark asked, sitting up straighter. He was watching Tyler move around with a violent edge. Even Ethan stayed in his seat, not daring to poke the bear. 

“I, I heard shouting,” Kathryn said. All eyes turned to her. “I heard really loud shouting, the scary kind of stuff, too. So I followed it because what else was I supposed to do? Someone was screaming at someone. Then I heard this noise and I heard another voice sounding like they were hurt, and… I, I turned the corner. By the drama room. I turned the corner and I saw Felix on the ground with Ken standing over him.”

Jack was out of his chair in a breath, rounding the table to get a closer look at Felix. He knew, without a doubt, that the voice of pain Kathryn had heard had been Felix’s. He took Felix’s jaw in his hand firmly and turned his face from side to side, looking for any marks, but Felix quickly slapped his hands away. “I’m fine,” Felix said. 

“I called Tyler because I can’t stand up to people as big as Ken,” Kathryn continued. “Tyler… He, he may have shoved Ken to the ground, and, uh… What, what did you do?”

“I curb stomped his fucking dick!” Tyler was still pacing. “What the fuck is that guy’s problem?!”

“Why the fuck did you curb stomp his dick?” Ethan asked in horror.

“You didn’t hear the shit he was saying,” Tyler growled. “About Felix, _about us_. It was fucking insane, Ken is fucking insane. Who the fuck talks about someone like that? Like they’re a pack mule or a fucking sex doll. I’ve never heard anyone fucking tear someone down to such horrible things with the smile Ken had had on his fucking smug face!”

“What did he say about ye’?” Jack asked, stricken. Felix just shook his head. 

“Jack, you don’t want to know what he said,” Kathryn told him softly. The poor girl looked so scared. Jack could imagine that she was the kind to avoid a fight, being a sort of pacifist, at the very least. Jack hated hearing shouting when it was meant to be malicious, and Jack made shouting a regular past time for himself regardless. The quiet Kathryn must have hated the screaming. “I tried to talk Felix into going to the infirmary, but…”

“I said I’m fine.” Felix’s eyes were cast to the table. 

“I wish you to go see a nurse if Kathryn is concerned,” Michael said, raising his voice just enough to make himself sound like he was giving an order. “At the very least, you will go see Emma after school.”

Felix suddenly had a wild edge to his eye. “I’m not doing that.”

“Fucking christ, Felix, the fuck is yer problem?” Jack demanded, suddenly frustrated. “First ye’ act all weird this morning, then ye’ swear me off, and now you’re getting cornered in hallways and refusing to get help. Did something happen? Is there…” Jack bit his lip. He wanted to ask if it was the nightmares Felix had mentioned, but he felt like he couldn’t bring that up around just anyone. He wanted to ask to see Felix’s hips because that had to mean something. “What did he say, Felix?”

“Nothing I haven’t heard before,” Felix told him. “Which is why I can promise you that I’m fine, and I’ll keep fucking saying I’m fine until you believe me.” He took in a shuddery breath. “But… Thanks.” Felix looked up at Tyler and Kathryn. “For coming. And for doing what you did. Thank you.”

“Fucking told you I would,” Tyler huffed. “You should’ve called me.”

“He kinda just came out of nowhere,” Felix admitted sheepishly. “Not much time to react, really.”

“Then fucking scream for help!” Tyler exclaimed, arms suddenly in the air. “The guy was fucking trying to kill you with his words! It was sick! And Kathryn said she heard you get hit, why the fuck didn’t you call for help?”

“I’m not used to calling for help. And he, he’s never actually hit me before,” Felix said. “I wasn’t… I was surprised. He barely even touched me, it wasn’t an actual hit or anything. I just, I freaked out. I was being a spazz. I don’t think he meant to hurt me.”

“You didn’t sound like you weren’t being hurt,” Kathryn pointed out. “I know what it sounds like when there’s pain involved.”

“It wasn’t on purpose,” Felix insisted. “He seemed a little freaked out when I shouted. It really wasn’t his fault.”

“Battered wife syndrome,” Ethan lamented. 

“Fuck you, I’m not his wife,” Felix sighed. 

“Sure sounds like it,” Ethan replied. “A beaten one. Is it battered wife syndrome or Stockholm syndrome? Or are they the same thing?”

“Ethan,” Tyler grit out. “ _Shut up._ ” Ethan instantly sunk into his seat quietly.

“He didn’t mean to hurt me,” Felix reiterated. “But he was saying some messed up shit, so I’m glad you guys came. Thank you for helping me.”

Kathryn nodded, but Tyler still wouldn’t sit down. A tense air was over the entire table, everyone unsure of what to say from here. Jack couldn’t move from Felix’s side, too concerned that whatever wound was hurting Felix was just below the clothes he wore, deadly and painful. 

“I still can’t believe you curb stomped Ken’s dick,” Mark murmured.

“X gone’ give it to ya,” Ethan said. 

“Oh my god.” Tyler finally sat down next to Ethan, pulling the smaller boy into his side and pressing a kiss to the top of his head as an apology for snapping at him earlier. Giving affection seemed to calm Tyler immensely, and Ethan certainly wasn’t complaining. But Tyler kept his eye on Felix. “You need a bodyguard, dude. Should I teach Jack how to hit?”

“Felix and I aren’t supposed to be around each other until after the dance,” Jack said with no malice in his tone. He wanted Felix to know that he was respecting Felix’s wishes no matter how much he disliked it. “I’ll learn to kick Ken’s face in afterwards.”

Mark spoke up. “I still say that’s a dumb idea of yours, Felix.” Felix didn’t answer and just kinda sat there, looking down at where Jack was crouched on the ground. A hand lifted, then abortively dropped back down to Felix’s side. Felix shook his head.

“He said stuff about you too, Seán,” Felix whispered. 

Jack smiled grimly. “I understand.” He stood and went to grab his bag. “I’m gonna spend the rest of lunch in the library,” he told the table. “Keep an eye on him?”

“Jack, I’m sorry,” Felix said. “I’m just so—”

“I understand, Felix,” Jack said, interrupting so Felix wouldn’t have to say it. He really did understand. He didn’t need Felix to explain anymore. Regardless of how upset he was about it, Felix wouldn’t confess his feelings to Jack and then cut him off the very next week without good reason. Whatever Felix knew about Ken, Jack would have to understand. Even though walking away felt like the most wrong thing he could do, he knew Felix would see the magnitude of trust Jack was placing in him by turning his back. 

. . .

Jack was roused sometime in the horribly early Thursday morning by his phone vibrating with a long stream of messages. He let out a grunt of tired discomfort and crawled across his mattress to reach his phone on the nightstand, turning the screen upwards so he could blink blearily into the bright, artificial light. 

_that you deserved better_

The last message in the chain made Jack frown, so he quickly scrolled to the top to see what ramblings Felix had sent him. 

_ken said u were a good kid_

_he said he liked u and liked talking to u_

_he said that u’re nice and shit and he can see why i fell in love so fast why i’m so stupid when it comes to u and why i couldn’t let u go_

_he said he likes ur hair and that u have a cool accent_

_he said he wants to be ur friend_

_he said he gets y u left_

_that u were scared and blamed me and that i shouldn’t have kissed u shouldn’t have been there for u to fall for and that i’m the reason u had to run and i’m going to do it again if i don’t let u be urself and make friends and be with other people and he says i’m controlling u jack he says i’ve twisted u and hurt u like i did before u left_

_and i’m sorry if that’s true jack i never meant to do that_

_i’m sorry if it’s true_

_he said that i was dragging u into the pit i’ve dug myself that i’m going to end up in prison and i’ll ruin ur life_

_he said that this places deserves better than me_

_that u deserve better_

Jack reread over messages more times than he would’ve liked. It was easy to see what Ken was doing. Ken knew Felix was impressionable when at his emotional limit. It was easier to twist Felix’s thoughts when he was already twisted up from his own endless, anxious rumination. Ken was playing Felix like a drum, pushing him every which-way with practiced skill. Ken had been playing Felix for a long time, after all. Jack was sure it was like riding a bike. 

_he’s wrong fe and you know it_

He didn’t know what else could be said. Jack felt a little sad from just having to deny Ken’s words for Felix, like Felix could somehow believe that sort of thing about Jack. A thought occurred to him.

_i kissed you first remember?_

Because while Jack didn’t remember a lot of things, he remembered who’d been the one to lean in and connect their lips. He remembered who’d started this whole fucking mess for them. 

_what else did he say?_

Jack stared at the screen, waiting for Felix’s response. 

_dont let him touch u sean_

Jack wet his lips, anxiety spreading slowly through his chest at Felix’s words of warning. Everything felt so beyond his grasp now. He was just some dumb high schooler, that most he should’ve been worried about was going stag to some fucking dumb dance. He should’ve been debating wether or not he was going to ask Kathryn to dance, not if it was safe to even attend school the next day. Jack was genuinely afraid of someone much bigger than him, and it felt like the ceiling was slowly collapsing down on his head. 

He couldn’t imagine how Felix had to be feeling. He knew it had to be worse. So he lied back and faced the slowly-descending ceiling, before bringing his phone up above his head and typing out a quick response. 

_we’ll watch out for each other :)_

The smiley face was probably dumb, but Jack wanted to seem like he was more confident in their safety than he actually was at this point. Felix needed a strong figure to look up to in his moments of fear and weakness and Jack wholeheartedly volunteered. Felix didn’t respond, so Jack could only assume that Felix took his response for reassurance that sleep was achievable, and they weren’t going to die. Jack could do this. Jack could be Felix’s guardian.

His faux confidence didn’t stop him from adding Tyler as a speed dial, though.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **warning: stop reading at the opening paragraph line "wrong fucking answer" and skip to opening paragraph line (single word for easy-to-notice reasons) "Ken" if you are unable to read attempted sexual assault**
> 
> if even discussion is too much, **stop reading further up at the line "imagine the look on Felix's face" and pick back up at the single line "Ken."**
> 
> take care of yourselves friends

“Where did you learn how to tie this sort of thing?” Ethan asked as Jack’s fingers deftly twisted the silk fabric and knotted Ethan’s tie. 

“My dad,” Jack replied, concentrated on what he was doing. He adjusted the length and the strength of the knot, wanting it to look perfect. Jack and Ethan were over at Mark’s, waiting for Tyler, Amy, and Kathryn to show up. It had been an uneventful past few days, just more of Felix avoiding Jack and even more of Jack wondering just why the hell he had to care about Felix’s hips. 

Granted, he’d stare at Felix’s ass a lot more when they randomly passed in the hallway. It wasn’t like Felix had noticed, after all. He would always be too busy looking anywhere but Jack. The guilt had always been obvious on Felix’s face. Jack felt more sorry for him than angry. It had to be hard thinking you had to avoid your best friend just to keep them safe, even if Felix was likely wrong. 

Staring at Felixs’ hips and ass had been the most exciting part of the rest of the week. Now it was Friday night (the night of the dance) and Jack was ready to get this whole thing over with. He’d wanted to slowly warm Felix up to the idea of being his date, but his hopes for that had been dashed on the rocks Wednesday. Now, Jack was going to the dance just because the rest of his friends were. 

“You’re so good at that,” Mark commented from where he was sitting in front of his computer, all dressed up and hunched over, staring into the bright light of the screen. “I’ll bet you can tie kinky shit too. What’s the rope stuff called? In sex? That pretty bondage?”

“Shibari rope bondage,” Ethan said in a reverent tone. Jack made a face of disgust and Ethan snickered. “Dude, I watch a shit ton of porn. Name one possible porn tag, and I can recommend at least three decent clips for it.”

“I never, ever wanted to know that about ye’,” Jack deadpanned. “Do us both a favor and shut the fuck up. There are just some things that friend’s ain’t supposed t’ know about one another, and that’s one of ‘em."

“Tyler’s really good at tying knots too,” Ethan said with a cheeky grin.

“I’m about to slap ye’.”

Mark giggled like a bitch over at the computer. “He’s messing with you, Jack.”

Jack narrowed his eyes. Ethan held up his hands, pulling down the sleeves of his suit jacket just enough for Jack to see the barest hint of bruising around Ethan’s wrists. Jack’s eyes went wide and Ethan waggled his brow, before putting a finger to his lips, like he didn’t want Mark to know. Like fuck.

“You fucking kinky little piece of shit!” Jack snapped. “Ye’ call me Felix’s bitch?!”

“Jack, no!” Ethan cried out, but he was still wearing that shit eating grin even as Jack shoved him back by the shoulders. “You mustn’t let Mark know! He can’t handle the truth!”

Jack threw his hands into the air. “Ye’ better keep that fuckin’ tie on all night,” he snapped. “I ain’t fixin’ it again fer ye’.”

“Jack, no, please, I’m helpless!” Ethan whined. 

“You’re on your fucking own,” Jack said cruelly. 

“Jack, why are you being a jerk?” Mark asked, still focused on the screen. Jack didn’t even know what he was playing, and it looked like some sort of horror game. There was this weird voiceover of a guy giving Mark instructions about some robots and Mark was honestly way too focused on his own shit to really listen to Ethan’s disgusting little confession. Of course, Jack didn’t find bondage disgusting. He found the image of Ethan getting into bondage with Tyler disgusting. Literally the worst thing imaginable. “It’s Ethan, Jack. He’s a small, dumb little thing.”

“Hey!” Ethan grabbed a the comb Mark had been using and threw it at Mark. “They’re gonna be here any minute now! Stop playing that shitty game!”

“Bite your tongue, this game is art,” Mark replied firmly. 

“That game is a bunch of jump scares and you know it.”

Mark died in the game to some screaming fox. He slowly turned in his chair to face Ethan, fingers folded together over his lap. He wore a cool, neutral expression. Jack was vaguely reminded of Doctor Evil. “Take that back, Ethan,” Mark said calmly. “Or I’ll tell everyone about that story you told me of the third grade.”

Ethan looked stricken. “You wouldn’t.”

“Oh, I would, Ethan. And I would enjoy it. So very, very much.”

“Christ, Mark, drop the robot act,” Jack snorted. “Too spooky for me, dude.”

“Wanna see something really spooky?” Mark pointed to the door. “Enter.”

In that very second, the moment after the final syllable left Mark’s lips, the front door opened and Amy bounded in, dancing around in a lovely red halter dress dress with a black choker. “Presenting!” she exclaimed, holding the door open wider. “The lovely Kathryn of Hyrule!” Kathryn stepped into the house, rolling her eyes fondly at Amy, dressed in a green empire dress. “And the esteemed Tyler of Lothlórien!” Tyler followed in after Kathryn, wearing a nearly-identical suit to Ethan’s. Fuchsia vest, fuchsia tie, and everything else black. He looked a little smarter than Ethan, though. And he had on cufflinks.

Jack smiled at Kathryn and offered up his arm. “Wish we’d gotten together and worked out matching outfits of our own,” he said. “Though I appreciate the effort to match the hair.”

“It was purely on accident,” Kathryn said. “This is the same dress I wore last year.” That didn’t surprise Jack in the slightest. Kathryn was a fucking adorable little thing, but she definitely didn’t seem like the type to buy into all of the girly stuff unless she had good reason. “You look nice,” she told him. “You don’t seem excited, though. I’d grow a dick for you if I could. Bleach my hair. Grow a few inches.” She smirked. “Maybe you’d have fun then.”

“You’re a fucking villain.”

She waved him off. “We’re gonna have fun tonight no matter what. Mark’s gonna ask you to dance a couple of times because that’s the kind of weirdo he is. He likes to dance with everyone at least once. Break dance with the girls, slow dance with the boys.”

“Mark’s a great person,” Jack snorted. 

“Ethan and I are gonna head out,” Tyler announced, looking over Ethan’s tie. He gave a slight nod of approval, and Jack beamed with anonymous pride. “We’ll see you guys there?”

“You’re gonna make out in the car before the dance,” Amy accused.

“Don’t stain your slacks,” Kathryn added. “You’re just renting, after all.”

“You’d be surprised the magic a good trip to the Cleaners can do,” Tyler said as he nudged Ethan out the door. “Don’t take too long!”

“We could just not show up at all,” Kathryn suggested dryly. “See how long it takes them to notice.”

“They never would,” Amy snickered. “I wanna dance! And drink that spiked punch and maybe have an amazing romantic slow dance with my dearest, most perfect, most beautiful…” She trailed off, moving right past Mark to Kathryn. “Kathryn,” Amy finished with a long, dreamy sigh.

“Fuck you, I’ll just grind on Jack the whole night, then,” Mark said with a pout.

“God, yes, please do,” Amy deadpanned. 

“F-f-fuck you!” Mark sputtered. “Jack, get your ass over here so I can rub on it!”

“Why am I friends with you?” Jack asked. 

“Fuck you both, oh my god!”

“Mark, where are your keys?” Kathryn asked. “Let’s blow this popsicle stand.”

. . .

Jack remembered why he and Felix had only ever gone to one dance. 

These things were loud. Horribly chaotic, crowded, sweaty, and reeking of teenagers. The school gymnasium was all dressed up with flowers and bright lights and various tables with treats surrounding the walls with the DJ up on the stage where he couldn’t be harassed. 

Jack understood Kathryn’s confusion with the theme— there were a shit ton of flowers, and not much else to suggest the Wizard of Oz, save a fucking scarecrow leaned up against the entrance to the gym. The table with punch also head a tin oil can next to it, and that was really it. The streamers hung from the ceiling weren’t green or even red. They were fucking blue and pink and yellow. It looked awful, in Jack’s opinion, and they had all subtly agreed with one another to not make any mean comments aloud. You never knew if a dance committee member was listening. 

“Looks like shit,” Ethan said beside Jack, instantly breaking the rule they had all agreed on. Ethan’s tie was already messed up and hanging uselessly over his shoulder. He wasn’t even trying to hide the new marks on his neck. “They definitely dropped the ball this year. Hope Prom isn’t any worse. Last year they did a fucking “shine bright like a diamond” theme. Rihanna’s song is so two-thousand-and-late.”

“Fuck you fer sayin’ that,” Jack said into his cup of punch. It was spiked, definitely spiked, but just barely, though still noticeable. Tequila and fruit punch did not blend well no matter how sparse the tequila was. Jack was going to drink it anyways. Kathryn had gotten asked to dance by some random ass fucker from her Economics class, and now Jack was officially alone. Ethan standing beside him didn’t count— Tyler was just getting him some finger foods before they went onto the dance floor again. Jack would be on his own again, left to watch everyone else enjoy themselves. 

He was a little used to that, actually. Back in Ireland, Robin hadn’t wanted to be out. He hadn’t wanted to hold hands in public, or talk, or even stand near one another. Jack was accustom to standing by himself and watching the people he cared about have their fun. It didn’t actually bother him back then, because he knew he was doing what the other person needed from him. Jack enjoyed pleasing others. But now he was just watching everyone else have fun for no fucking reason other than that he didn’t have anyone to have fun with. The feeling sat in his stomach like tar.

“You, you seem sullen.”

Jack looked up with a frown and Ethan let out a cry of excitement before exclaiming: “Michael! You made it! Holy shit, dude, you clean up nice!” 

Jack did his best to cover up his shock at seeing Michael here. He couldn’t believe Michael had gone from suicidal to fully-functioning high schooler in about two fucking weeks. He wondered how Felix was handling it. If it felt a little like whiplash, or maybe some sort of reminder that Felix hadn’t been good enough. He wasn’t as good for Michael as Ethan was. The thought was a sour one as he watched Ethan draw Michael in for a friendly hug. Michael didn’t even flinch at the touch. 

“Seriously glad to see you,” Ethan gushed. “Tyler’s getting me cucumber sandwiches, and then we’re gonna tear this shit up on that dance floor. Wanna join us?”

Michael nodded, his smile bright. Ethan was right, he really did look good. The suit wasn’t the same one Jack had seen him wear at the wedding, the suit that had looked two sizes too large and drowned Michael in the black. This suit was a light gray with a pale blue tie. It actually fit Michael, too. Even the sleeves were the right length. “Surprised to see you here,” Jack said, because he fucking had to. He had to make a comment. He couldn’t just let this go. 

“I am as well,” Michael said. “It was a very last-minute decision, but, but Emma insisted. She was very adamant that my last fall dance should be a special occasion. Apparently all dances in your senior year are meant to mean something.”

Jack nodded. “Ye’ come alone?”

Michael’s smile became mischievous. “Feeling lonely, Jack?”

Jack raised a brow. “I’m not deeming your question worthy of response,” he huffed. 

“Michael,” Tyler said as he approached with a paper plate piled high with tiny little sandwiches. “Good to see you, dude.” He held out the plate. “All we’re missing is the smell of dying old person and lace doilies.”

“They’re cute sandwiches, though,” Ethan said, grabbing a handful like a brute. He ate one of the sandwiches messily and Tyler made a face.

“Why do I love you?” Tyler asked. 

“Cause I’m cute!” Ethan chirped. Michael took two sandwiches and ate them with a pleased expression. He seemed to be enjoying the noise and the people. Felix had mentioned something about crowds making him feel normal. Ethan finished his handful of smushed sandwiches and took Tyler by the hand. Tyler grimaced at the feeling of whatever had been in those sandwiches now going from Ethan’s hand to his own. Ethan then took Michael by the arm. “Let’s go!” 

He dragged them away, and Jack was left alone again. 

He sighed and shuffled his feet, moving to lean against the wall. He drank more of his punch and wondered if he’d be able to find the guy who had spiked it. He could go for just straight booze right now. 

Felix probably wasn’t here— he couldn’t be here, after all. Felix had sworn nothing would ever bring him to a dance, he’d said he’d gone through some terrible shit, and Jack could only imagine the worst of it. Jack didn’t want Felix here, now that he thought about it. He didn’t want the guy any more stressed out than he needed to be. It was loud and crowded— the opposite of what Felix enjoyed. Jack didn’t want him here. Jack was totally okay with not being at this dance with Felix.

Jack chanced a glance to the main floor and saw Mark and Amy swaying gently with one another. Mark had his hands on Amy’s waist, and her arms were rested across Mark’s shoulders. Mark bent his head down to whisper something into her ear that made her smile.

Jack wished Felix were here.

Jack pushed off the wall, significantly grouchier than he’d been before. He crushed his empty punch cup in his hand, then went to get another. He knew that the punchbowl across the dance floor had an insignificantly “larger” amount of Tequila, but any difference was a difference that counted for Jack. he pushed through the throng of students, not caring if he broke up a dancing pair or what the fuck ever. One girl gave him a poisonous look when he pushed between her and her boyfriend, but Jack just ignored her. He could see the punch bowl. The one with the extra tequila. He would do what he had to. 

A large body stepped in front of his path, and Jack stopped short. He didn’t need to look up to know who this was. Dread slid down his spine.

“Hey, Jack,” Ken greeted with that wide, disarming smile. “Fancy seeing you here. Got a date? Or would you like some company?” The way Ken asked that last question made Jack’s shoulders tense. 

“I’m fine,” he said, brushing past Ken as best he could. He felt the other boy follow him and tried not to freak out and start shouting. The last thing he wanted to do was cause a scene and get kicked out or something. Also, Jack didn’t have that great of a right hook. He wouldn't last a second against Ken. Jack made it to the punchbowl and ladled himself up a healthy amount. He glanced around, hoping to spot a bottle of tequila hanging out of some dude’s pocket so he could bum off the rest of it. Ken was still behind him. He felt the other boy lean on the punch table. A quick glance around, and Jack realized he was loosely trapped between the wall and Ken. 

Oh fuck.

“Did you think about what I said?” Ken asked, his voice a little lower because he didn’t need to speak so loudly over the music. 

“About what?” Jack asked, hunching his shoulders. “About Felix’s hips? About how you say he’s fucking wrong? I did think about it, Ken, and I came to the conclusion that you’re manipulative fuckass who can’t be trusted. Felix doesn’t act like a kid who hasn’t been fucked over like he says you did. He’s got the fuckin’ trauma to prove ye’ wrong.”

Ken raised a brow. “Nah, dude, I was talking about how I basically told you you’re attractive. Have you thought about that?”

Jack moved past Ken with a shove, needing to get out of that corner. He made a beeline out of the gym, down the hall, and into the crisp night. Jack needed air, he needed to breathe, he needed to just refocus his thoughts.

So Ken was after him. That much was obvious now. He couldn’t explain why, and wasn’t sure he wanted to. He couldn’t explain it. He had caught hints here and there, but had been assured it was harmless. Why was Ken after him? It wasn’t for violence, that wasn’t how he… 

Fuck, Jack didn’t actually know if Ken was violent or not. Felix had said Ken hadn’t wanted to hurt him in the hallway, but Kathryn had been confident in the sound of pain Felix had made. There was no way for Jack to think about this without anxiety roiling in his gut like the stomach flu. 

Jack looked around and saw that he’d wandered into the parking lot. He saw Mark’s a way’s down the lane, and debated dropping back into the dance to ask for Mark’s keys so he could hide in the car for the rest of the night. Jack didn’t intend on trying to enjoy the rest of the dance. Not as long as Ken was there, smiling at him like he knew he could make Jack do anything he wanted. A shudder ran through Jack’s spine and he pressed a hand to his mouth, needing to calm his gradually panicked breathing. 

Jack had to calm down. He had to calm down. Ken… Ken wasn’t really rational, but he was just some fucking kid. He was barely a year older than Jack, he just… Jack didn’t believe humans capable of truly evil things unless there were horribly extenuating circumstances. Ken hadn’t been abused or anything as far as Jack knew, and Jack believed that no one was born evil. 

Jack leaned against some truck and covered his face with his hands, forcing himself to breathe. 

So Ken wanted to get with him or something. Fuck him. Ken wanted to fuck Jack. It was whatever, Jack could deal with this. He’d let Ken down as easily as possible and then take a page out of Felix’s book, avoiding anywhere Ken ever went. He’d act like an adult and be firm, polite, and gracious. Whatever Ken wanted from him wasn’t going to happen, and he would make sure Ken understood that.

“That’s my truck, dude.”

Jack looked up as Ken spoke, watched the boy approach him with a steady gait, and cursed his shitty ass luck. He would choose to rest against Ken’s fucking truck, the only fucking thing that could make his night any worse.

“Was this just your way of getting me alone?” Ken asked teasingly, waggling his brow like he was trying to be playful. Jack stood up straight and leaned off the truck, readying himself for what could very well be a hard conversation. He suddenly wished he hadn’t left the dance. He would’ve rather been around at least a few people, instead of alone with Ken in a parking lot in the middle of the night when he said this. 

“What do ye’ want from me?” Jack demanded, edging on the final possibility that he could’ve just been reading this entire situation wrong, that Ken was just the kind of guy who flirted as a joke. 

Ken shrugged. “I don’t know. I wanna fuck you, though.”

Jack faltered. “Like… as a joke?”

Ken snorted a laugh. “Why would I joke about that?”

Jack wanted to hide under the truck now. “Why?” he asked.

Ken shrugged again. “You’re hot, dude. I’m not looking for anything serious, of course. I’m not trying to get a boyfriend or whatever. I’m just trying to enjoy myself and hook up with an attractive guy who has a kickass accent. Is that so wrong?”

Jack watched Ken’s eyes as he spoke. Something was wrong. “Liar,” he accused in a low voice. “What’s the real reason?”

Ken paused. Then he smiled, slow and cruel. “That easy, huh?”

“You’re a shittier liar than I’ve given you credit for,” Jack said shakily.

Ken grinned wider and stepped closer. His arm raised and he placed his hand on the side of the truck, to Jack’s right. He leaned in close, closer than Jack would ever allow anyone other than Felix. Jack knew he needed to run. He needed to fucking run, but his feet were glued to the asphalt. 

“Imagine the look on Felix’s face,” Ken said, his voice just an intimate whisper between them. “You have no idea what it was like, Seán. To be with someone as amazing and intoxicating as Felix, and knowing that you’re living in the shadow of some fucking asshole who was too stupid to know what he had. Do you have any idea how it felt to know that even when I was alone with him, when I was dedicating every fucking fiber of my being to Felix, he was thinking about you?” Ken’s free hand became a fist and slammed into the truck on Jack’s other side. Jack jumped.

“I did everything!” Ken snarled. “Everything I could to make that little piece of shit forget about you! I did everything I fucking knew to make Felix mine! I made him love me, I made him obsessed with me, and yet he still fucking thought about you! There would always be a moment, just a tiny fucking moment. We’d pass that fucking quarry or we’d be by that fucking river. We’d be at his house, his empty, cold fucking house, and he'd look next door and fucking think of you! I could see it, Seán, I could see it in his fucking eyes!”

Ken was shouting now, shouting into Jack’s face. Jack was inching closer and closer to the ground, terrified of what was being spat into his face. Felix had been right. Felix had every fucking reason to be paranoid of this, this monster. Something in Ken’s eyes changed as he watched Jack shrink.

“Just picture the look on his face, Seán,” Ken said, his voice suddenly calm. “If you come back to him with marks on your neck from me. If I can see him and tell him that I know what you look like when you writhe in the sheets and moan my name. Imagine how sweet it would feel, to hurt him like he’s hurt you.”

Jack felt like the air had been punched from his lungs. “H-he hasn’t hurt me,” he said weakly. “Felix wouldn’t…”

“Felix did that to us when he decided to be with me,” Ken said. “He cheated on you when he abandoned your memory for me, and he cheated on me when he forced me to stay in a one-sided relationship.”

“Felix fuckin’ loved ye’, even if ye’ had to destroy him to make it true.”

“Felix was just a good little bitch who needed to be taught that you can’t fucking play with people like they’re toys,” Ken spat. “But you. You’re better than that. You deserve better than him. And while I don’t personally give a flying fuck if anyone ever loves you, I know that you’re the best way for me to make sure Felix takes that final fucking step and ends it.”

Jack’s hands shot up and he shoved Ken in the chest as hard as he could. A hand fisted itself in the label of Jack’s suit, and Jack was slammed against the door of the truck hard enough to make his teeth clack painfully together. “Wrong fucking answer,” Ken said with a sneer. He pulled his leg back and slammed it into Jack’s stomach. Jack doubled over and gagged, clinging to Ken’s front to keep from falling over. He was slammed back into the truck, wheezing. Ken was looming over him, dark and foreboding, reaching to the front of Jack’s body. The taller boy leaned down and latched his teeth onto Jack’s neck, biting hard enough to break the skin. Jack couldn’t get out anything, just a weak rattle in his throat, still unable to breathe. 

Then there was a hand at the waistline of Jack’s pants, and Jack was in too much pain to even scream. For a horrifying moment, he wondered if Ken was going to get what he wanted without even a protest from Jack because he couldn’t fucking breathe. Something was broken, something in Jack’s stomach was broken, and he couldn’t work around it, he could only let out helpless little noises and fear. Ken’s hand slid down the front of Jack’s pants, and he wanted to die. 

“Ken.”

Jack felt Ken jump at the sound of his name, and Jack barely had the strength to turn his head and see Felix. Relief spread through his bones. He whimpered, worked his lips around the syllables of Felix’s name, then whimpered again at the weak, strangled noises he could barely make. The sounds Jack were struggling to get out only made Felix more furious.

Felix stood, backlit by a light post. He was dressed in a dark blue, two-piece suit, holding a baseball bat loosely in his right hand. His pose was almost nonchalant, but his face said he was the furthest thing from relaxed. The slight downturn of his lips and the line of his brow casted long shadows across his face. Felix’s eyes were deadly, deadlier than Ken’s had been. He was out for blood.

“Let him go,” Felix said. 

“Baby, you know I wouldn’t hurt him,” Ken said, his voice smooth as butter again. “He and I were just gonna have some fun. You don’t fucking own him, you know. He can be with whoever he—”

“Cut the fucking bullshit and let him go,” Felix interrupted in a low growl. His grip on the bat tightened. 

“Did you hear him say no?” Ken shook his head. “You’re a fucking psychopath, Felix. I told you, dude. I love you. Get help.”

“ _Help_ ,” Jack finally rasped. Felix’s eyes flashed, and the window next to Jack’s ear suddenly shattered from the force of Felix swinging the bat at it as hard as he could. Ken cursed and flew back, leaving Jack to slump to the ground, boneless. 

“Get the fuck away from him,” Felix ordered through his teeth, uncaring of the glass now lying on his shoulders and hair. Jack looked up at Felix and swore that the streetlight made a fucking halo around Felix’s head. “You touch him again, and I’m smashing your skull next.”

“The fuck do you think you’re doing, Felix?” Ken asked, slowly rounding them both, heading to the back of the truck. Felix span lazily on his heel, watching Ken with a piercing blue eye. He always stood between Jack and Ken. “You think you can just break my fucking car and get away with it? You think you can damage my fucking property?”

“You had his hands down his pants,” Felix said. “He was scared. He asked for help.” Felix shook his head, looking like he was just barely holding himself back. His grip on the bat was white. “Wouldn’t look good if I went to the cops with that story, Ken. Wouldn’t look good for any of us.”

“You forget,” Ken said. “This whole fucking town is against you. Why would they be with you and the faggot little kid that got one of the brightest teachers fired from this school?” Ken reached into the bed of his truck and pulled out a tire iron. Jack’s hands were shaking as he reached up to Felix, taking him by the back of his pant leg, pulling. Felix didn’t back down. “You really wanna do this?” Ken asked. “You want to fight me, Felix? Even after everything I’ve done for you? You’d be dead if you hadn’t met me!””

“If I could go back to the day we met, I probably would’ve stayed in bed.”

Ken smirked, the curl of his lips cruel. “Funny. I have a feeling I would’ve found you anyway. And in the end, no matter what, you would be begging me not to leave.”

Felix swung the bat again, and the next window shattered. Ken shouted something and then brought the tire iron into Felix’s side, but the Swede barely flinched. He jabbed the bat into Ken’s shoulder and tried to push him to the ground. Ken swung the iron at Felix’s legs next, and knocked him onto the asphalt. With Felix down, Ken darted past him to get to Jack, standing over him with the iron and a twisted face. Jack scrambled at the asphalt to get under the car, but Ken grabbed him by the leg and pulled him underneath Ken, lying between Ken’s legs underneath him. Ken pulled the tire iron back and over his head, over Jack.

Then he lurched forward, losing balance after something solid connected with his back. He stumbled into his truck, and someone took Jack by the waist and arm, forcing him to his feet. Jack stared up at Tyler, shellshocked. He looked back and saw Mark holding a slight-bent gold club in his hands.   
“You need to get out of here,” Tyler said firmly. “Get out.” 

Felix was standing, and Mark was at his side. They were waiting for Ken to get back up, both of the holding their makeshift weapons like warriors. “Go, Jack,” Tyler reiterated. “We’ve got this.” Tyler pushed him gently, and that was all it took for Jack to break into a dead sprint. He heard Ken shouting after him, saying things that made Jack clamp his hands over his ears. He blocked it out and kept running, past the gym and further onto the campus. 

His legs carried him anywhere, he couldn’t give a shit. He was trying to make his brain catch up, he couldn’t focus on where his feet were taking him. The quiet that surrounded him told him he was getting closer to safety. The darkness was an even better sign, the cool air soothing his nerves and making the horrible pain in his stomach throb a little more gently. 

Jack finally stumbled to a halt and looked down at his body. The pain was actually closer to his sternum, and a tiny bit to the left. He tentatively pressed a hand to where it hurt the most, then immediately regretted it. A wheeze of pain poured out of his lips and his vision went a little fuzzy. His knees felt weak again. 

Jack looked to where he was and felt like he could laugh out of the sheer insanity of it all.

The stairs.

The fucking stairs. 

Jack went underneath them and dropped to the ground, sitting with his back to the cool, stone wall. He wrapped his arms around his middle and tried to breathe past the pain. It got a little easier with each moment that passed. He crossed his legs and just sat there.

Ken had…

Ken was a piece of shit. 

He was a disgusting piece of shit, and a fucking lowlife. He was a monster and he was the worst kind of fucking person, and he had shattered Jack’s belief in no human being born evil. Ken was proof that Jack’s precious little ideal was nothing but horse shit. Jack was an idiot. Jack should’ve fucking run when he could.

Hot tears tracked down Jack’s face, and he pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes to try and stop them. His hands trembled too much to do any real good. 

He could still feel Ken’s hands on him, and bile threatened to rise in Jack’s throat, but he fucking refused. He slammed a fist onto the ground and screwed his eyes shut, just focusing on shallow breathing and the image of Felix, standing there in the light of the light post, bat in hand and the wrath of fucking god in his face. Jack trembled.

The heavy sound of a body sitting down next to Jack broke him from his thoughts. Jack didn’t have to look to know it was Felix. No one else would think to come here of all places. No one even really knew which set of stairs everything had gone wrong under other than he and Felix. Jack grimaced and drew his knees as close to his chest as he could. Felix sighed heavily, and they sat together in silence for a moment.

Jack swallowed hard. “That was a cool thing ye’ said,” he rasped out. His voice sounded like absolute shit. “‘Bout meeting Ken.”

“Got it from a song I like.”

Jack almost laughed, but the thought of breathing like that hurt. “Course ye’ did.”

They fell into silence again, sitting beside one another. Jack could feel the heat from Felix’s body. He wanted to lean closer and let the warmth soothe his aches, but he wasn’t sure if Felix was still fucking unhinged and if Jack wouldn’t finch away from touch. 

“Wanna talk about it?”

Jack shook his head. 

Felix sighed again. “I’m sorry.”

Jack shrugged. “Don’t apologize, it isn’t yer fault. Cause ye’ didn’t ask him to. Ye’ didn’t goad him on. Ye’ didn’t lie to me and say that he wouldn’t hurt me. Ye’ didn’t lie and ye didn’t omit anything. If all else, you were the only one to warn me. You were the only person who insisted Ken was more than everyone else thought him to be.” Jack’s smile became a little more self-deprecating. “I… I brought this upon myself.”

It was a sickening truth that made Jack wrap his arms around his chest. He’d been given every opportunity to listen to his gut and run when he could, but he’d repeatedly ignored his instincts and had ended up in that horrible mess at his own fault. Jack should’ve listened to himself. He should’ve listened to Felix. 

He looked up and saw Felix was watching him with the worst expression. Felix’s faze burned. 

“Fuck that,” Felix ground out before he leaned in and pressed his lips to Jack’s. For a moment, everything stopped. Jack’s heartbeat, the pain, the fear, and the shaking. Everything melted away to be replaced by the touch of Felix’s lips to his own, to the kiss they were sharing. Jack couldn’t blink, couldn't look away. Felix was so close. Jack could feel his breath on his skin, and there were gentle fingertips grazing Jack’s jaw. Only after taking sick of all of this did Jack finally accept that this was real. And only then did he let himself close his eyes and sink into the kiss. 

It was over too soon. Felix pulled back and their lips made a small, wet smack as their disconnected. Felix pressed their foreheads together. He was still close enough for Jack to feel the warmth of every breath. “Waited for that for a long time,” Felix murmured in the space between. Jack shuddered and his hand on Felix’s knee moved up to rest on Felix’s chest. 

“Again,” Jack begged. He tried to lean in, chasing Felix’s lips. “Again.”

Felix nodded and turned his head to let their lips reconnect. An embarrassing sound escaped Jack and his lips parted, pressing harder. The hand on Felix’s chest clenched, taking a fistful of Felix’s suit to pull him closer. He brought his other hand up to fist in Felix’s hair, tugging his head back to make Felix gasp so Jack could slide inside, press against Felix’s tongue and twist, draw a moan from the other boy.

Felix tore away with a gasp, lashes fluttering upwards to reveal dark, cloudy eyes. His lips were shiny and Jack wanted to sink his teeth into the soft, red flesh. An animalistic hunger was overwhelming the lingering fear, and Jack needed to cling to it. He couldn’t become that scared little fuck again. He had Felix sitting beside him under the stairs. They were kissing like they had two years ago, and no one had come to scream at them yet. Jack refused to be that cowardly little boy. He wasn’t going to run away again. 

“I love ye’, Felix,” Jack said, because he needed to. He needed to make this different. His voice shook, but it was sincere. “I fuckin’ love ye’, I’m not leaving, okay?” Jacks hand shook in Felix’s hair, and he was so fucking strung out that he couldn’t really think beyond the intoxicating lingering feeling of Felix’s lips on his own. “I’m not leaving. Never again.”

“Dude, I’m supposed to be comforting you,” Felix said, reaching up to pull Jack’s hand from his hair to hold the trembling hand in his own. “Calm down, Jack. You’re safe. I swear to god. He won’t touch you. I’m about to text Mark. We’re gonna escort you out of this shitty ass place.”

“Do they know?” Jack asked shakily.

Felix grimaced. “Dude, I… Ken was talking so much shit. He told them before we could shut him up. I’m so sorry.”

“Fuck.” Jack hung his head. “Fuck.”

“For what it’s worth, Tyler basically almost murdered him tonight for you. And Mark is definitely not a pacifist. I’d kinda thought he was until he basically bent his entire gold club in half.” Felix shook his head, cracking the smallest of smiles. “You’ve got some amazing friends, Jack.”

Jack could only nod as he stared at where Felix was holding his hand. He wanted to ask to kiss again. He wanted to feel something else. He wanted to feel Felix. Jack leaned in, praying Felix wouldn’t pull back. That smile stayed on Felix’s face as they kissed again. It was a chaste press of the lips, something Jack expected couples to be comfortable with. It made his heart flutter. Felix’s hand came up to hold Jack’s jaw again. His hand remained when Felix ended the kiss. “Let’s get you home, yeah?” Felix kept fucking smiling. “Mark’s opening up his home. Figured it’d be better neutral ground.”

“Just wanna be with you,” Jack choked out, feeling desperate. He didn’t want to be around his friends, no matter how hard they had fought for him. His chest burned with the shame of being caught so easily by Ken, and of how he barely fought back. He didn’t want to be around anyone else because he wasn’t sure they wouldn’t think differently of him. The only person he knew who would never think any less of Jack for this was Felix. 

“Don’t want to go,” Jack confessed in a ragged whisper. He wondered if Felix was as obsessed with Jack’s breath against his lips as Jack was. “Just. Just want you.” Jack tried to crawl a little closer, their sides pressed together now. He clung to Felix, uncaring of how pathetic this was. “I was so fucking scared, Felix,” he confessed between their lips. “I thought he was going to hurt me.”

“He probably was,” Felix sighed. “You know that.”

“Ye’ warned us, and I didn’t fuckin’ listen.” Jack cursed himself. “Such a fuckin’ idiot.”

“You couldn’t have known,” Felix reassured him. “You’ve always believed in the good in people. You’ve always been way more optimistic than me.” Felix’s smile became a little tortured. “You aren’t wrong to have faith in people, Jack. Don’t you ever lose that hope. It’s one of the things I love about you, Jack. One of the many things.”

Jack's jaw clenched reflexively. “I’m a fuckin’ idiot, Felix, and it nearly got me…” He cast his eyes down. “You know what could’ve happened. If I’d just listened to ye’, if I’d just trusted ye’, I would’ve been fine. Would’ve spent my night at home, safe, being dumb and playing video games. Wouldn't have to live with this memory.”

“You’re going to be okay,” Felix said. “I know it’s hard now. I know it’s almost all you can think about, so you’re trying to find ways to forget. But please believe me when I say that you won’t feel like this forever. It gets easier.”

Jack shuddered to think of how Felix knew what Jack was going through so well. “Can we please just go somewhere else?” he asked shakily. “Somewhere… just somewhere. Please.” He had a specific place in mind, but he was worried it had truly fallen from Felix’s mind as something significant between them, simply out of necessity.

Felix visibly hesitated. “… I’m just renting this thing, Jack.”

No need for Jack’s skepticism. Felix knew exactly where he was talking about. He tugged gently on Felix. “Please.”

“Fuck.” Felix let go of Jack’s hand to rub at his cheek. “Okay. I’ll let them know. We’re basically required to end up at Mark’s place sometime this weekend, no matter how late, but fine. We’ll go, just not for long. I don’t want to drive too late on a Friday night if I have to, okay?”

Jack nodded, willing to do just about anything to get away from here. 

“Can you stand?”

. . .

Felix drove, silent as Jack was. They both hadn’t spoken since the school, since they’d discovered that Jack was so shaken his knees couldn’t work and Felix had given him his shoulder all the way to the car. Felix had been gracious. He’d been quiet. He hadn’t said a word of criticism or thought. He’d just given Jack the gentle support he needed and not let Jack feel like he was inferior. 

Jack couldn’t bring himself to speak, though. He was still so fucking ashamed. 

Felix parked in the dirt lot in front of the old house. The light in the upstairs bedroom was on, but neither of them said anything. Felix rounded the car and opened Jack’s door, offering his hand. Jack gently brushed it away, not wanting to seem any weaker than he already was. Felix didn't look impressed, but he didn’t argue, either. He just took a step back and let Jack lead the way. 

They walked through the woods, navigating the dark trees on instinct. Felix would reach out then and again, rest a hand on Jack’s back, then let his hand fall away. Over and over, he touched Jack, just the smallest thing that made Jack’s legs just a little stronger. 

They reached the edge of the quarry. The moonlight above them lit up the water better than any man-made light. Felix looked down the edge that Jack had jumped just a month earlier with not an ounce of fear. “I am renting this,” Felix said, pulling at the lapel of his suit. Then he stepped back and started to strip. 

Jack averted his eyes until Felix was down to just his boxers. Jack glanced down. Felix’s hips were barely visible in the dark from how his boxers hung low on his hips. Jack couldn’t see anything that would stand out. “You coming?” Felix asked, throwing his shirt at Jack’s face. Jack was spurred into action, shaking hands undoing the buttons of his shirt after throwing off his tie. He stepped out of his pants and threw aside his jacket, feeling a little self-conscious. 

“‘M not as sexy as you,” he mumbled. His sternum didn't hurt anymore after having sat in the truck for so long. He was sure he’d need to see some form of a doctor later, but nothing could be too bad if it had stopped hurting. 

Felix barked out a laugh, though there was nothing funny about it. Jack knew what he wanted to bring up, what he wanted to say. You can’t get fucking raped if you weren’t attractive to someone. Jack’s own thoughts made him sick and he wrung his fingers into his wrist. He wanted more bruises. “Is my neck fucked up?” he asked.

Felix paused. “We’ll fix it later.”

That wasn’t a good sign. “Felix…”

“Don’t think about it, Seán.” 

Jack looked to Felix just in time to see the boy launch himself off the ledge. The sigh took his breath away, even though he knew Felix was safe. Jack had jumped from there before numerous times. The water was always deep enough, albeit freezing. Especially in October. Jack heard the splash of Felix’s body hitting the water and clenched his hands into fists. The he ran at the ledge and jumped with his eyes shut, letting the cold air rush past him and his stomach lurch into his throat. Then he smacked into the water and it felt like hitting glass. It froze as it rushed into his mouth. Jack let himself sink a little deeper than he normally would’ve. He didn’t move, didn’t start to swim for the surface. He let himself sink deeper into the water until there was no air left in his lungs. 

Only once it started to burn did he and resurface. He took in a gasp of air before opening his eyes and looking into the starry sky above him. Then he took in a deep breath and went back under, swimming for the cave. 

Felix was setting up the zoetrope when Jack finally arrived. He glanced to where Jack was treading water. “Thought you drowned for a second there.”

Jack lifted himself onto the rock, shivering. He picked up one of the stiff blankets and wrapped it around his shoulders. He eyed the zoetrope, jaw trembling. He resisted the urge to kick something over, because the delicate zoetrope and Felix were his only options. Fuck, he was freezing. “This may have been a bad idea,” he said, rubbing his arms vigorously under the blanket to try and warm up. “How’re ye’ not cold?”

“I’m Swedish,” Felix replied. “I was born for the cold. Bred by it. Uh, I don’t actually know the speech that well.”

Jack sat down and leaned back against the cave wall. Felix spun the zoetrope and the couple began to dance across the cave. Jack shut his eyes, letting the shadows flash behind his eyelids. He heard Felix move, then felt a body against his side. Jack didn’t move. He held his breath as he hand wrapped around his bare ankle and held on, a reassuring grip. “We can stay as long as you need,” Felix murmured, his voice low in the quiet of the cave. Jack nodded, but kept his eyes shut.

He needed to think. Sort through his thoughts. Compartmentalize. He needed to learn how to cope with this new memory, this new, awful experience. It felt cheap. Felix had already gone through this, right? Or something close enough. Felix hadn’t had this kind of support in the aftermath. Felix had been completely alone.

“How’d ye' deal?” Jack asked, his voice raw. “How did you… Not fall apart?”

He felt Felix shift. “… I didn’t.”

Jack opened his eyes. His vision was hazy from the water. “What?”

“I didn’t not fall apart,” Felix sighed. “When things were getting hard with Ken, I… I barely made it to the end of it. I was messed up. I thought I was the reason for how much he hated me. I blamed myself for all of this shit and I convinced myself I was unlovable. That I had to be whatever he wanted me to be.” Felix smiled mirthlessly. “I barely made it a month, thinking like that.”

Jack stared at Felix. “What did ye’ do?”

Felix shook his head. “I’ll tell you later, Jack.”

Jack swallowed hard. “This shit hurts, Felix. I-I have to know how you coped.”

“I didn’t make good decisions back then, Jack, you don’t want to mimic my methods. You’re better off going to someone smarter, like Mark.” Felix reached out, letting go of Jack’s hand and holding it in the air for a long moment so Jack could track where it would land. It ended up on his thigh, closer to his knee than anywhere. “It isn’t… What I do isn’t something I want you mimicking, Jack. I care about you too much.”

Jack had a terrible feeling. “Why won’t ye’ tell me bout your hips?”

Felix smiled shakily. “Pretty sure you’ve already got a good enough idea in that big ol’ brain of yours.”

“Felix.”

“We need to get your brain onto less fucked things, Jack, or you won’t feel any better.”

Jack grimaced and stared down at Felix’s hand. “… Can I have a hug?”

“Jesus, Jack.” Felix pulled at the blanket. “You don’t have to ask for something like that.” Jack sunk into Felix’s warm chest and shut his eyes again. Felix smelled like that dumb lavender shampoo and the lake, algae and relaxation, Felix and some weird fungus that grew in this lake. It was familiar. They’d nearly drowned in this lake how many times? Jack still knew exactly how Felix was supposed to smell after swimming in the quarry. 

Jack suddenly remembered that Felix’s mother had been the one to give Felix the lavender shampoo.

“Jack, you’re crying.”

“I, I wanna lay down,” Jack whimpered. “I wanna lie down.” His head was spinning. Everything was a little too much. He was too dizzy to sit up straight and he slowly slumped towards the ground, dragging Felix with him. Felix let out these random little protests, half of them barely English, but easily lied on his side. 

“It’s fucking cold,” Felix hissed as his bare side lied against the rock. “Oh my god, Jack, are you crazy?” Jack still had the blanket around his shoulders, he wasn’t nearly as affect by the rock as Felix was. He draw the blanket closer and hid his face in Felix neck, taking in deep breaths to calm his racing thoughts. 

“Felix,” he whispered. He knew the quietness of his voice would make Felix cease his protests. Felix’s arm lied across Jack’s side after a moment. “Please.” He didn’t have anything else to say. He was just avoiding a panic attack. 

Felix’s hand rubbed up and down Jack’s back. “Don’t fall asleep,” he told Jack softly.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so here's the thing
> 
> i finished this chapter about three days ago and totally hated it. i hate felix and jack "get together" officially and shit and it just didn't work with the character i've written felix to be in this whole story, because felix in this is a fucking ruminator and he's always cautious and having them get together with a snap just felt and read so wrong that i deleted everything and started over again
> 
> i'm sorry if it's frustrating that i'm pushing it off, in a way. it's frustrating for me too. but i've kinda written myself into a trench with felix's character and i'd rather everything seem accurate to who these characters are than satisfactory to some sort of running timeline. so i compromised and gave myself three solid things that felix wants to do beforehand and i've got them all written down and i now how they're gonna be solved and everything. they've got something going, but with the way i've included sexual abuse and stuff, it has to make sense. i can't just belittle past trauma into meaning nothing. the real world doesn't work that way. if you've been abused, you can't just jump headfirst into the next person that makes you happy, and i feel like if i wrote Felix just shoving himself into something with jack, it would be insulting to myself and others who have been through similar situations to what this character has been through.
> 
> sorry :( hope it isn't too upsetting that they're holding off just a little bit longer for the more physical things

Jack woke up on the floor of Mark’s bedroom with a fuzzy memory of the night before. He had fallen asleep in the cave, that much he was certain of. And he’d basically been a zombie after Felix had shoved him back into wakefulness, saying he needed to get Jack home. Jack wanted to take a page from his book for Felix’s past weekend— home fucking sucked. Don’t even touch that shit. Evil people were home, and strange places brought only strangers. Everyone knew strangers were safer than those you knew.

He was pretty sure they’d back gotten to Mark’s place around two AM, and Jack still felt bad about it. Everyone had been awake and gathered around the television, eating cold Chinese takeout and watching National Geographic. They’d all turned bleary eyes to the front door as Felix had helped Jack stumble through. He remembered a throng of worrying hands and frantic questions concerning his wellbeing. Jack had moaned his way through it and asked for a bed. 

Jack had fallen asleep in a bed. He was positive of that now. Jack opened his eyes and squinted up at the ceiling, realizing Mark had those awesome glow-in-the-dark star stickers plastered all about overhead. God, Jack had fucking loved those things. The more he focused, the more he realized that Mark had plotted out legitimate constellations. Or at least, the mainstream ones that Jack recognized, like the Small and Big Dipper, and that one belt of the Greek guy. It was a lovely setup and Jack would’ve been way more impressed had he felt like he hadn’t been run over with a fucking bulldozer. 

Jack groaned and tried to roll over so he could stand, but his sternum protested like a fuck and he groaned even louder. There was a whine from the bed, then he saw Felix’s blond hair gently lie over the edge. He could see fingertips too. Then there was black hair and it kinda looked like Mark was lying atop Felix? Unless that was some other guy who had suddenly dyed their hair and grown it out overnight. Jack tried to sit up again, but again, his fucking sternum. 

Jack winced and lied his head back on the floor. He needed to see if it looked as bad as he felt. He reached down and rolled up whoever’s t-shirt he’d slept in and clenched his jaw when he saw the bruise. It was an angry purple and red, blooming out from the center of his torso, just below his pectorals. There was an odd lump a little to the left, but he dared not to touch it. He wondered how it had stopped hurting the other night. 

“Oh, Jack…”

Jack cast his eyes up to the bed and saw Michael. That was a surprise. He couldn’t remember seeing Michael hanging around with the others last night. Michael crawled off the bed and onto the floor, kneeling beside Jack quietly. He moved like a cat, silently, stealthily, and a little like every bone in his body was double jointed. 

“Your, your rib is broken,” Michael whispered into the room. Only now could Jack's eyes register the soft yellows and golds, the colors of a rising sun. “Or maybe cracked. But it is very painful.”

“Fuck,” Jack sighed. “How do I fix it?”

Michael shook his head. “Cannot be reset. Must wait until it mends on its own.”

Jack let his head fall back and thunk onto the floor. “Fuuuck.”

“I am very sorry,” Michael said softly. There was something more to the apology, and Jack got the feeling he was talking about more than just the rib. Jack looked up at him from the floor, waiting. Michael waved his hand uselessly in the air. His eyes were on Jack’s neck for some reason. “Um, I am… I have this tiny idea that I may be the, the only other person who knows what it feels like, m-maybe aside from Felix as well.” Michael shrugged. “I am not vain. I know it is not some, some club. But Felix is in love with you, a-and I am just a friend, if you will. I… If there is anything Felix is bad at in regards to recovery, I would like to offer help.”

Jack sighed again. “Thanks, Michael,” he said, deciding he wasn’t going to start off his morning so fucking depressingly. “Help me sit up?” 

Michael frowned. “Are you positive? A cracked or broken rib is very, very painful. I would not want to aggravate the pain. Felix would be very upset with me, e-especially if you wish to not tell him you are injured.”

“Felix got hit with a tire iron,” Jack told Michael. “Pretty sure he’s just as fucked as me.”

Michael’s eyes went wide and he turned back to the bed. “Felix!” he whispered as loudly as possible. “Remove your shirt!”

Felix’s blond hair stirred and Jack heard him moan sleepily. The dark hair moved as well, and Mark was in view, sitting up. “Why does Felix need to take his shirt off?” Mark asked with cotton mouth. “Are we doing something? Why are you guys on the floor?” Jack belatedly realized that Michael had already pulled down Jack’s shirt to cover his bruise for him. He pat Michael’s arm in abortive thanks. “Jesus, Jack, did you fall of the bed? Because you definitely fell asleep with your face in Felix’s armpit. Even Felix thought it was gross.”

Michael helped Jack sit up with minimal movement of his torso. Jack made a face of disgust. “Don’t criticize my life choices, Mark,” he said, even though he definitely wouldn’t have chosen to just shove his face into anyone’s armpit. “We need to check Felix’s side. Ken got him pretty good.”

“And then we got Ken pretty good,” Mark said, sounding proud of himself. “Ruined my club, though.”

“Not the one yer dad gave ye’, right?” Jack had to ask. He didn't want to feel any fucking worse than he already did, and he was sure the club had looked familiar, but the parking lot had also been dark, and Jack really hoped he hadn’t cost Mark something as precious as a gift from his father. 

“Of course it wasn’t,” Mark denied, making a face. “I wouldn’t just carry that around in my car. I’m not stupid.” He looked to Felix. “Why are we taking his shirt off again?”

“Got hit with a tire iron,”Jack explained, moving onto his knees carefully to finally look down the bed. He was surprised to see Mark, Felix, Amy, and Ethan all hap-hazardously piled together on the sheets. Michael had been on there, too. Jack wasn’t sure how he’d ever fit the night before, though it probably explained how he’d ended up with his face in Felix’s underarm. “Wanna make sure he isn’t hurt.”

Mark frowned and lifted Felix’s shirt. With all the commotion before, Felix hadn’t stirred. But the first touch of Mark’s hands to his bare skin had Felix startling into wakefulness and snatching Mark’s wrist to still his hand. “What the fuck, dude,” Felix slurred, his eyes wild and simultaneously weighted. “You tryin’ something?”

“Felix, let him go,” Jack huffed. “We wanna make sure you rib isn’t cracked.” Michael let out a sardonic little laugh beside him, and Jack ignored it. His hypocrisy knew no bounds when it came to Felix’s health. 

“I’m fine,” Felix said. “Like, actually fine. It doesn’t even hurt.” Felix carefully lifted his shirt on his own and showed them all his side. “See? Fine.”

What a crock of shit— Felix's side almost looked as bad at Jack’s sternum. Jack winced in sympathy and Mark let out this little motherly coo. “We need to get you some of my mom’s ointment,” he told them. “She makes a mixture of arnica and vitamin K creme. It helps bruises go away in, like, a day. Unless something’s broken?”

“Nothing’s broken,” Felix said, though he was looking down at his side with a frown. He probably hadn’t been lying when he said he didn’t feel a thing. “I really had no idea that was there.”

“K creme, I’m telling you,” Mark insisted, untangling himself from the fray of limbs on his bed. He left the room in a rush, mumbling random things to himself. Michael reached out from the floor and gently brushed his fingers along the bruise. Felix didn’t even flinch. 

“You are a regular badass, then, Felix,” Michael said. “Almost as badass as Jack’s.”

“Jack’s what?” Felix asked. “Is he hurt?” Sharp blue eyes turned to Jack. “You fucking liar.”

“Can’t reset a cracked rib,” Jack said, echoing Michael. Felix’s nostrils flared, but he didn’t say anything. “Sides, Felix, I could’ve come out a lot worse than this. Let’s find the bright side, yeah? Ye’ said that’s one of the things you liked about me.” Michael giggled, smiling dopily between them.

“You both are so cute,” Michael said. 

“Fuck off,” Felix sighed. He put his shirt back down. “I’ve got to go to Brad and check up with him and shit. He’ll want to check up and shit, and probably want to beat my head in over having Michael in all this shit.”

“What happened to Ken?” Jack asked. Felix faltered.

“You guys are so fucking loud!” Amy shouted from the bed. “Tyler… Tyler got up to make breakfast.” She sat up, her eyes crummy with sleep and her hair mussed up around her head. “Tyler made breakfast,” she repeated. “Gonna get food.” She crawled out of bed. She was still in her damn dress. She woke Ethan on purpose by smacking his cheek lightly. “Come get food with me.”

“Made with love,” Ethan said sleepily. Michael giggled and got up with Ethan, following them out of the room like a puppy. He waved goodbye to Jack as he left the room. Mark glanced between them, as if he was catching on to some unheard cue. Felix still looked disturbed from Jack’s questioning about Ken. 

“I’m just going to go make sure my kitchen has been completely decimated,” Mark said. As he stood, he reached down and brushed a hand across Jack’s shoulder. “I’d like to talk to you later. Is that okay?” Jack nodded. Mark smiled, soft and easy. “Good. Be sure to come down and get some breakfast.” He left Jack and Felix alone.

“Is my question that complicated?” Jack asked. “Just wanna know what happened to the guy who tried to rape me.”

“He’s not gonna hurt you,” Felix sighed. “I swear, dude. Like, it’s taken care of.”

“That sounds shifty as all fucking hell, Felix.”

“We need to eat,” Felix said. He was obviously avoiding any sort of straight answer. “I know you have questions, Jack, but I’m worried about how this is going to affect you. People don't just get over something like that.”

Jack snorted. “I get it. You think I’m gonna go Detective-Comics-dark-side and fuck him up on my own. Did you not see how I basically went belly up for the guy? Couldn’t take him down if I wanted to.” Jack grinned up at Felix with a hint of self deprecation. “I’m weak, Felix. Had to have a bunch of big, strong men come rescue me in a parking lot.”

“And that’s exactly what I'm talking about,” Felix said with a sigh. “You’re not fucking weak, okay, Jack? There is nothing weak about you. Y-you’ve gone through horrible, difficult things, you’ve had to make awful decisions in attempts to protect yourself. You’ve been shown the worst side of people and yet you’re sitting here, on the fucking floor, smiling. No one comes back from what you did and smiles. You’re not weak.” Felix was looking down at Jack with a fierce sort of pride. “You’re my best fucking friend and you’re the reason why I can hold my head high and face down fucking abusive assholes like Ken. Without you, I never would’ve been able to fight back. Only you can do that to me, Jack. Only you can make me brave.”

Jack felt his cheeks heating up and the self deprecation turned into fondness. “If it helps you feel even better— if he’d had a gun or tried to kill me or something instead? I would’ve literally been dying defending you.”

“Oh my god, how is that supposed to make me feel better?” Felix laughed shakily. “You’re awful, Jack. I could’ve gone my whole life not thinking that shit.”

“We’re like a dumb anime friendship,” Jack snickered. “I’ll go all fuckin’ tsundere for you.”

“Kawaii as fuck, bro.” 

Jack bit his lip. “Can I kiss ye’?” Felix didn’t respond immediately, and that made Jack anxious. “Were ye’ not really ready the other day?” Jack asked, not wanting to press too much. “Did you just do it cause ye’ knew I needed it?” Jack reached out and lied his hand atop Felix's on the bed. “It’s okay if that was the case,” he assured Felix softly, even though he was internally screaming at the fucking sky right now. Fuck Jack’s shitty fucking turn of luck. “I can still wait…”

“It’s so unfair to you…”

“Maybe it is,” Jack hedged. “But it’s not like I don’t deserve it. Two fucking years, Felix. Those two years are hanging over my head. I was prepared to make myself wait a total of three for you just to make us even.”

“I wouldn’t ask you for that,” Felix denied, shaking his head. “I just need a little more time. I have to work some shit out.”

Jack nodded. He understood and he hated it. “Like what?”

“Like Michael,” Felix sighed. “He’s suddenly talking about graduating and going to university. He wants to somehow get his grades up in time. I’m sure he can, the dude’s fucking smart, but I have no idea how he’s gonna make up the credits he’s missed. Maybe the school will help me work something out? Then there’s Brad. Emma is getting closer to her EMT certification, meaning she’s going to start getting experience in the field. She’s gonna be out there for hours doing dangerous shit and Brad’s getting freaked out. Brad wants to go back to school, too, but if Michael has another breakdown…”

Felix pulled at his hair. “Then there’s you. You’ve got this thing that just happened to you, and I’m trying to think of stuff to help you with the nightmares you’re probably going to have. And how the hell are we going to explain that to your parents? What if what happened gets slipped to the school? Ken isn’t going to press charges cause we know we’d fucking destroy him with the attempted sexual assault, but he could tell his friends and they could torture you in the most barely legal way possible. And then there’s poor Mark and Tyler who got fucking roped into this shit, even though they didn’t deserve it. They could get targeted. And they could get in trouble with the school for starting a fight or something, or just being in a fight.”

Felix paused. “… Then there’s me,” he said after a moment. “Jack, I… I have literally no aspirations. I have no plans. No ideas for the future.” He hung his head in his hands and Jack just watched him. “I don’t want to drag you down with my lack of aspirations and desires. I haven’t dreamed about what I wanna be since you left. I’ve just been so caught up in everyone else. Being what my dad needed me to be, being what Ken needed me to be, and then being what Michael needed me to be. God, Michael.” Felix went back to pulling at his hair. Jack reached up to take Felix’s hands from his hair and held them in his own. 

“I, I haven’t spared myself a second fucking thought since Michael,” Felix continued. “And I know that’s why you’ve been so worried about me. Why you were hanging around my so much and waiting for me in the mornings and making sure I ate. I know I’ve got a starvation problem, but it’s not really that easy, you know? I’m not starving myself out of a warped self image, I’m doing it because I’m so fucking worried all the time that I have no appetite. I haven’t thought about what I need since I got him out of that fucking hole.”

Jack frowned. “What hole?”

Felix grimaced. “You know how the police found him?”

Jack shook his head. “I know nothin’ about how he got saved, Felix. I’ve never met anyone who I was confident knew anything accurate about it, except you and Michael, and you guys seem pretty tight lipped about it.”

Felix grimaced even deeper. “I… I found him. The cops weren’t able to get the legal rights to get on the guy’s property. I knew Michael was there, though, Michael had been scared of the asshole long before he took Michael. And Michael had been missing but I knew where he was, Jack, I fucking knew, so I jumped the property line and I looked for hours in the dark, and I… I heard shouting and crying. And I went into the back shed, and the back shed had a trapdoor, and the screaming was so much easier to hear.” 

Felix's hands were shaking in Jack’s. “I broke the lock with a shovel and lifted the door and suddenly Michael was in my arms, naked and crying and looking so fucked up. And I took him to the hospital and the cops and his parents came and then even the man just showed up in the ER, but I… I, I never let go of Michael’s hands. Even in the x-rays, when they had to check his hips. We broke the rules and the nurses let me hold his hand.”  
.  
“Jesus christ,” Jack breathed. “You… you’re a fucking kid, Felix.” Felix made a face. He looked offended. “I know ye’ think you’re not,” Jack said, trying to keep himself from raising his voice. “I know you’ve seen shit and lived through horrible things that would leave the next person nearly comatose, knees shaking, fucking wishing for death or something. Ye’ pulled your friend from a fucking hole in the ground. Ye’ haven’t…” Jack swallowed hard. “I wanna take ye’ away from it all, Felix. I wanna shower you with love and affection and, _and peace._ Ye’ need peace, Felix. Ye’ need a vacation, but a permanent one. Ye’ve lived through so much in these past two years. You’re supposed to spread out hell on earth over an entire lifetime, not cram it all in to two years.”

“Go big or go home,” Felix murmured.

“I’m so worried you’re going to have a breakdown of your own,” Jack confessed. “And I’m worried that I won’t be able to pull ye’ out of it. That no one will.”

Felix shook his head. “The fucked up kids of this world aren’t your fault, Jack. I’m just grateful to have you now. You don’t have to fix anything. You being here keeps me from doing any more stupid shit, you know? You push me to be better. You push me to _get_ better.”

Jack nodded. He took in a deep breath. “I’m, uh. I’m gonna take this one step at a time, like I always kinda have. You haven’t eaten today, right? We’re gonna handle that first. Then we’re gonna… gonna handle all. All the other shit.” He waved his hands in the air aimlessly. “All that other shit.”

Felix snickered and shook his head. “I’m a fucked up dude, Jack. Sure you wanna fuck me?”

Jack’s ears felt hot. “Uh…”

Felix raised a brow. “Stupid question?”

Jack’s cheeks felt hot now, too. “Really stupid question.”

“You’ve thought about fucking me, Jack?” Felix asked, slowly developing a more chipper mood. Jack thought he looked a little more nervously hopeful than conspiratorially hopeful. Like he wanted some sort of affirmation to being worth something. “I know I’m being such a fucking tease, and I know I’m asking a lot of you by just saying I need more time, but, like… you’ve actually thought about it, haven’t you?”

“What, and ye’ haven’t?” Jack crossed his arms over his chest, a little grumpy. 

“Of course I have,” Felix said. “I’ve thought about fucking you for ages, dude, and, like, I knew about the dream you had and stuff, but knowing you actively think about it and want it is pretty fucking awesome, too.” He grinned, a pretty pink coming to his face. “Of course I think about you like that. You’re literally a dream come true to me. You’re the only person I ever actively went out of my way to think about. I have a list of pornstars somewhere. I wrote them all down because they looked a little bit like you.”

Jack was flattered. “Fuck off,” he said to cover up the fact that he really, really wanted to just crawl back under the covers and listen to everything Felix wanted to do to him. “We, we’re expected. If we don’t show up soon, there will be talk. You’re not ready for talk.”

“No,” Felix sighed. “But I will be soon. And, uh…” Felix blushed. “I, I’m totally cool with being your boyfriend, like, right now. I totally am. Call it a sort of, like, guarantee? Jump the gun or whatever. I can’t really… I have to get Michael to start working on his grades and credits and I need to help him apply to schools, and I need to help Brad with getting the house into shape so they don’t have to worry about it while Brad goes to school and Em works and I need to—”

“Felix, stop,” Jack said, reaching out and sealing his hand over Felix’s mouth. Jack was grinning though. “Reserve boyfriend,” he said. “I’ll help ye’ with the list. I’ll be at yer side. But kissing and shit isn’t part of the equation yet, I get what ye’ mean.”

Guilt roiled behind Felix’s eyes, and he moved his head away so Jack wasn’t covering his mouth anymore. “I promise, it won’t be… It can’t be forever. But I don’t want to warp a relationship and I just don’t… I don’t want to fuck up again, Jack. I don’t want us to fuck up.”

“Couldn’t get any worse,” Jack said, and he was probably way more right about that than he wanted to be. 

Felix just kinda made a face like he wanted to vomit. He looked down at the sheets, then lifted his hand. “Uh… Boyfriends?” Jack belatedly understood that Felix was trying to shake his hand. God, what a fucking dumb cutie. Jack took his head, then used the chance to yank Felix in for a quick peck on the cheek. 

“Neutral as boyfriends can be,” Jack agreed. “Really, Felix. Just the name. Put me on hold.”

“I feel like such a shit head for asking this,” Felix sighed as he stood from the bed. “Like, the worst fucking person. You deserve better.” He bit his lip. “I, I can do an actual kiss. Or something. Anything you want, Jack, fuck, am I… Am I making this worse?”

Jack just waved him off, not wanting to pressure Felix in any way as they went downstairs. He was getting used to waiting with baited breath. Everyone else was sitting at the dining table, eating microwave waffles and cereal. Everyone looked like they’d gone through the ringer, and Jack felt responsible. They’d probably been up all night just waiting for them to get home. Mark pulled out a chair next to him, and Michael just stood up, vacating his seat for Felix. When Felix sat in the empty seat, he ruffled Michael’s hair and rested his head on the table. Jack sat beside Mark. Kathryn stared at something on Jack’s neck for a long time before tearing her eyes away.

“You guys gonna eat?” Tyler asked, munching on a frozen wattle. His wasn’t warmed up like everyone else’s— it was still cold and covered in freezer burn. Jack wasn’t sure if he was trying to live up to being a total badass, or if he was just lazy. 

“I am getting them the, the food!” Michael exclaimed, suddenly bustling into Mark’s kitchen and popping more waffles into the toaster. Felix turned his head to watch, just observing Michael like he was making sure he wouldn’t disappear. Knowing what Jack did now, he didn’t doubt that to be the truth. Felix often stared at Michael. Jack supposed it was because Felix worried that one glimpse of Michael could be his last. “Oh my goodness, what a silly toast machine,” Michael said to himself.

Jack snorted. “So, since all of you are here, and Felix can’t really avoid the question for every single one of ye’ individually and as a whole, what in the fuck happened to Ken?”

All eyes turned to Jack, and Jack heard Michael knock himself on something in the kitchen. “Is it so weird that I wanna know what happened?” Jack asked. 

“Just weird you can think about him without spiraling into hysterics,” Ethan mumbled. Tyler smacked his arm. “What, it’s true!” Ethan insisted. “Amy just went barreling around, making all of us promise not to even say Ken’s name. Now Jack’s just fucking asking like it’s nothing. Mixed signals, you know? I’m confused.”

“I’d read online that avoidance of the subject until it was brought up by the victim was the best route for the first few days!” Amy defended herself valiantly. “We weren’t supposed to say anything, but Jack bringing it up is fine. Honestly, you guys never fucking listen to me.”

“Dudes, just tell me what the fuck happened to Ken,” Jack sighed. “I wanna know if I’ve got to watch my back for the rest of me dyin’ fuckin’ days.”

Tyler snorted a laugh. “As if. He won’t touch you again.”

“And why is that?” Jack asked patiently.

“Because I broke his fucking femur.” Tyler took a large bite out of his frozen waffle with a deadpanned expression. “And his hand.”

Jack gaped. “… Tyler, no.”

“Tyler, yes,” Tyler retorted, rolling his eyes. “I heard him. I know what he did. So I broke his damn femur and I snapped his hand back, so maybe I actually broke his wrist? But it was the one he touched you with, I know that. And it doesn’t matter, the dude couldn’t throw any fucking punches after that. Little bitch was almost crying.” Tyler finished off his frozen waffle. “It was the least he deserved.”

“Tyler, you could get in trouble,” Jack insisted. “The police could come after you, he can still try to claim something against you. Breaking his fucking hand! He’s on fucking scholarship! A football scholarship! Ye’ve ruined his career! This has to come out somehow!”

“He should’ve thought of that before he touched you,” Tyler said evenly, and Felix looked to Tyler with some sort of grim satisfaction. Jack was sure, had things been different, Tyler and Felix would’ve been fast friends. For now, they just seemed to silently bond over beating up people that hurt Jack. “Sides, I wasn’t the only one to fuck him up. Felix had a fucking bat, remember? Hw messed up Ken’s knee, I know that. And Mark probably fucked up his back with his club.”

“I swear to god, I can’t ever remember being such a violent person,” Mark confessed. 

“I’m just worried for ye’,” Jack sighed. “You could miss out on shit over this. School and scholarships and work. You could go to prison.”

“I won’t,” Tyler said with way too much confidence. “Not unless Ken wants to end up in the cell next to me. That fucker knows none of us will let what he did just pass by like it was nothing. He’s fucking insane.”

“Aren’t ye’ worried for your future?” Jack implored. 

Tyler shook his head. “I wanna be a barber. You don’t need a degree for that.”

Ethan looked to Tyler in blank shock and slowly set his fork down. “A barber,” he repeated. “You wanna be a barber?” Tyler nodded. Ethan continued to stare. “Dude,” Ethan eventually whispered. “That’s so gay.”

“Fuck you, Ethan, oh my god,” Tyler said, slamming his hands onto the table. “You’ve been asking me what I wanna do for ages, all this fucking bullshit, saying I need to trust you, that you love me, that you won’t judge me, that anything I could want to be is valid and good, and when I finally fucking tell you, that’s what you say. That my idea for my future is gay. That’s what you’ve chosen to say to me.” Tyler looked so fed up. “Fuck you.”

“Oh my god, I’m sorry,” Ethan giggled. 

“I fucking bare my heart for you in front of all of our friends, and you call my dream gay,” Tyler continued. “Ethan, you and I have had sex, you and I have fucked, I have literally fucked you, I don’t know how you’re just going around and calling shit gay when you are, by fucking definition, technically gayer than I am.”

“W-why are you so salty?” Ethan was still giggling, until he was kicked under the table by someone, and he yelped. Jack had kicked at Ethan, but he wasn’t sure he’d been the one to actually make contact. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m being a dick,” Ethan said, waving his hands in defeat. “I’m a total jerk. Tyler, baby, Tyler-baby. Your dream is so valid.” He reached out and pressed his hand to Tyler’s cheek. It was a sweet gesture until Jack realized that Ethan had syrup on his fingertips. “I love you, Tyler. While I get my engineering degree, I will happily let you cut my hair.”

“You’re gonna pay full price, and then some, you fucker,” Tyler said. “For emotional damage and all that fucking shit. Calling my dream gay.” Tyler shook his head. “You’re fucking gay, you know that? You’re gay.”

“Of course, sweetie,” Ethan cooed. 

“I’m gonna microwave a few extra waffles,” Michael said as he came to the table with plates for Felix and Jack. “Who, who would like more?” A flurry of hands shot up and Michael smiled mostly to himself, returning to bustle around the kitchen and make more food for everyone else. It was a little weird, because Jack had never seen him look so relaxed without being high.

. . .

“It’s an underground swimming pool,” Amy was saying as they all sat around with full bellies. “My cousin has a second one, back in Michigan. It may be a little weirder to have one here, considering how messed up the soil here can be, but…” She shrugged. “It’s something to do. And it’s safe. It’s her property. No one else can get there.”

Mark sighed. “Are you sure she won’t mind us crashing the place?”

Amy paused. “… She’s, uh. She’s not really… home.”

“… Does she know we’re going?”

Amy paused again. “I mean. Not exactly?”

“And I’m out,” Tyler said. “So’s Ethan. Sorry, guys, we’re not looking to get arrested in the nice part of town. I’ve already broken a dude’s bones. I’m basically on the run at this point, and Ethan’s eaten both of my chocolate bars.”

“Kathryn’s coming with us!” Ethan announced, latching onto the quiet girl’s arm. “We’re gonna paint our toes and stuff. I’ve never painted my toes. She’s going to teach me.”

“Can I come?” Michael asked with wide, bright eyes. Felix instantly bristled, sitting up straighter, watching Kathryn with the protective glare of a mother bear. It was like he was daring her to belittle Michael in any way. “I, I do not know how to paint anything, actually. I could choose colors though?”

“Dude, hell yeah!” Ethan exclaimed excitedly. “Double date at Tyler’s place!”

Jack kept watching Felix, taking note of how the fight eased from Felix’s shoulders. Michael’s excitement and Felix’s calm acceptance was the only thing that kept Jack from saying anything to Kathryn in private.

. . .

“Swimsuits are for losers,” Mark said as he toed off his shoes in the changing room. 

Breaking into Amy’s cousin’s place hadn’t actually been that big of a deal, considering she knew the alarm code for the front gate and the fucking garage. She had just literally waltzed up the driveway, punched in the code, and then gone immediately to the fridge to drink the mango juice she had found in the door. 

She had ushered the boys downstairs and into a large room that was all tile and reminded Jack of a high school changing room. There was a communal shower and little cubbies and two bathroom stalls. She’d gone into her own changing room, because her cousin was apparently rich enough to have two different changing rooms for whichever fucking gender. Jack had been in awe of the house. It had tall ceilings and marble floors and an underground fucking pool. Jack couldn’t imagine what he’d do if he had that kind of money. Probably buy houses for his friends and get Felix literally anything he could ever desire. 

“Honestly, I’ve never gone swimming in my underwear before,” Mark confessed as he stepped out of his jeans. They were tight. He had to struggle, and it was pretty hilarious. Felix was behind Mark, watching him struggle and pointing at the random stumbles he found funniest so Jack could enjoy them too. Felix could barely keep silent.

“Felix and I did it just last night,” Jack said as nonchalantly as possible. “After he kissed me under the stairs.”

Mark had been bending over to peel his jeans down his calves, but he shot back up in a rush when Jack said that last part. Jack grinned sheepishly at Mark’s wide eyes. He hadn’t really come up with a better way to let his friend know what had happened. Now was better than never. 

“Yeah,” Jack affirmed. “He, uh. Felix kissed me. Twice. And I kissed him once. We also are kinda boyfriends now without actually officially dating or anything. But it’s the principle of the matter.” He looked over Mark to Felix, who was probably debating just running away. Felix had seen a ferocious side of Mark that Jack still wasn’t familiar with. Felix probably thought he had a reason to be afraid, especially when Mark whirled around to face Felix. It was odd how intimidating a man could be with his pants pooled at his ankles.

“You kissed Jack,” Mark said slowly, pointing between them. “Do you… Did you two clear the air? Do you know where you’re going from here?”

“He still ain’t ready, Mark, not for anything beyond a label” Jack said. He wasn’t about to just spring this and then leave Felix exposed. “And he’s told me why. I agree with his reasons and I agree with his decision. I'm just really excited to tell ye; cause Felix’s kisses are the best kisses, and I’ve had literally no one to gush over this with that I trust to believe me when I say i believe Felix.” Felix’s eyes widened in gentle shock.

Mark immediately melted in front of their eyes, and Felix reared back, affronted. “ _Vad fan,_ ” he mumbled, eyes darting from Jack and Mark as Mark turned to Jack and started to flail his hands, letting out excited little sounds. Jack giggled and bounced on his toes, barely able to control himself in the face of his friend’s excitement. He was so fucking happy, he just hadn’t really let himself feel it. Now Mark was grinning wide enough to hurt and Jack couldn’t contain it.

“Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit!” Mark genuinely squealed, shuffling around, still trapped by his pants. “Jack, Jack, fuck yes! You’re that much closer, oh my god!” Mark took Jack by the arms and shook him. “Fucking OTP, dude, you and Felix, oh my god. You’re boyfriends! You’re platonic boyfriends!”

“I know,” Jack laughed, nodding vigorously with Mark. “I fucking know, oh my god.”

“Holy shit, Jack,” Mark breathed. “Oh my gosh, just a little longer, right? Just a little bit longer. And then you can have him, like, with actual romance and shit.”

“I’m right here,” Felix said from behind Mark, waving his hand idly in the air. 

“My and my friend are having a moment, Felix, would you please hold!” Mark still didn’t let go of Jack’s arms. He still wouldn’t stop smiling. “I’m so proud of you, Jack,” he said. “So very proud. Proud that you didn’t just jump Felix’s bones right then and there. He wasn’t ready.” Mark sniffled. “You’re such a good person.”

“Well, I did just go through a very taxing event,” Jack snorted. Mark’s smile was washed away.

“Fuck, Jack,” he said, his voice a little shaky. “I can’t believe he did that. I can’t believe he did that.” Jack felt Mark shudder through his hands. Jesus christ, he felt a little guilty now. He hadn’t meant to squash Mark’s happiness so suddenly. He hoped he hadn’t given Mark some kind of emotional whiplash. “ _Fuck._ ” Mark’s eyes were suddenly at Jack’s neck. Jack remembered that he hadn’t looked in a mirror once today. He didn’t need to. 

“Felix wouldn’t tell me how bad it is the other night,” he confessed, referring to the mark he knew was there. 

“Well…” Mark sighed. “It won’t scar.” Jack let out a stream of curses and Mark laughed shakily. “You could always ask Felix to make a better one off to the side.”

“Maybe later,” Jack said with a cheeky grin. “Gonna let me go now? Amy might get suspicious. She may think we’re up to something naughty back here, just the three of us.” He smirked. “Unless ye’ need t’ tell me something, Mark?’

“Pretty sure you’ve made that joke before, you unoriginal sex fiend,” Mark accused. “Felix, take your fucking pants off. We’re going swimming.” Felix made a face and decidedly left his shirt on with his boxers. God, Jack wished Felix was comfortable enough with the scar on his chest to just flaunt his body about. He looked good no matter what insecurities he withheld. And, if anything, showing the scar would help invalidate the bullshit stories people spread about the car accident. Jack decided to leave his shirt on too. He didn’t want Felix to feel ostracized, and he also didn’t want to show off his ugly cracked rib.

Jack was impressed as they left the changing room. It really was just an underground pool. There were windows at the very top to let in a bit of natural light, but the rest of the walls were a muted mosaic beach, surrounding them on all sides. The pool was heated— Jack could watch the steam rise. There were pool plots and toys off in one corner, three lawn chairs in another, a hot tub that was covered back at the other end of the pool, and then a small diving board at the end. Amy walked out of her changing room as Jack and the other two looked around the pool in awe. She was wearing just her underwear, like they were, and Felix instantly looked away.

“Uh…” was all Mark said.

Amy rolled her eyes. “Two out of three of you are gay, and the one left over is my boyfriend.”

Felix raised his hand, still not looking at her. “I. I’m not entirely gay.”

“Don’t erase his bisexuality, Amy,” Jack said. 

“He won’t even look at me!” Amy huffed. “Jesus christ, he has more chivalry than the full-homo. Is that even a thing?”

“Felix, ye’ gonna be okay?” Jack asked with a snicker. _Full-homo._ He liked it.

“I’m worried she’s gonna slap me if I look anywhere near her,” Felix said, his eyes on the water. Amy snickered and snuck forward. She jumped off the edge and into the water right in front of Felix, splaying out her arms and legs and basically just shoving her bra and panties into Felix’s line of sight. 

“She won’t slap ye’,” Jack laughed as Amy hit the water with a large splash and a yelp. “But Mark will.”

“Mark won’t,” Mark denied, shoving Jack into the water. Everything exploded into monochromatic and bright blue lights, the lights from the bottom of the pool. Jack squinted through the chlorine and bubbles, regaining his vision just in time to move out of the way as Amy shot at him through the water like a torpedo. Then there was a dull crash to his left and Mark was in the water beside him. Jack kicked and went up for air, throwing his head back with a gasp as he breached. He kicked Mark as hard as he could in the side. 

“Wasn’t fuckin’ ready!” he shouted, splashing water into Mark’s face as Mark emerged. “Ye’ could’ve drowned me!” He kicked at Mark again, then grabbed Mark and tried to dunk him back underwater. Amy let out a battle cry and tugged at Jack, trying to get him off Mark, but it was in vain. Jack got Mark underwater and put his knee over Mark’s shoulder, leveraging himself up and away. He hit the water hard and laughing. 

“You bastard!” Amy cried out. “I’ll kill you for what you’ve done!” Mark was floating on his belly, playing dead. “You took him from me!” Amy wailed dramatically. “You took him from me! How could you!”

Mark suddenly corrected himself and threw his hands up. “I’m jesus,” he told Amy. “Totally not dead, so you can hold off on that cliche revenge story for now.” Mark looked up. “Dive in, dude. We’re not villains.”

Jack tread water and looked up. Felix was standing at the ledge, arms cross over his chest. He looked oddly anxious. Jack swam to the edge and held on to the side. He grinned up at Felix, kicking his legs. “I’ve got you,” he said. “Just come swim. It’s heated and everything and you know you want to just float around and maybe get drowned by me and Mark.” Jack reached out and wrapped his hand around Felix’s ankle. “Come, Felix. We all float down here.”

Felix startled at the line. “Holy shit, I almost kicked you in the fucking face for saying that,” he blurted out. “You’re a fucking freak, Jack.”

Jack grinned, wide and toothy. “We all float down here, Felix. We all float. And _you’ll float with us soon._ ”

“Go, g-go away,” Felix said, lifting his foot out of Jack’s grasp and pushing his toe into Jack’s forehead, trying to get him away. “Begone. Please.” Jack tried to reach out for Felix’s ankle again, and Felix kept trying to pull away. Jack got a good enough grip, then gave a hard tug, hoping to keep Felix from really kicking him away. But instead, he knocked Felix so off balance that Felix ended up swinging forward in an attempt to correct his balance, and fell face first into the water with a hard smack. Jack gaped at his blunder. 

“Oh no,” Mark said. 

Felix’s head slowly slipped up from the water. He narrowed his eyes at Jack. Then he reached quickly through the water and grabbed Jack by the nipple, twisting as hard as he could. Jack screeched in pain and thrashed wildly in the water while Felix laughed. 

They had to have swam for about an hour after that. Felix quickly warmed up to the idea of horsing around with Amy in her underwear, and Mark even let Amy ride Felix’s shoulders as they played Chicken Fight. After Jack and Mark kicked their ass three fucking times, Amy exiled herself to a pool float and lounged around in the water. Mark began to swim laps, saying something about wanting to show off and beat a record of his. Felix just sorta swam around idly as Jack seated himself on the diving board just to watch. His sternum hurt like a fucking bitch right now, but the heat was helping.

He watched Felix, mostly. The guy was swimming slowly through the water, enjoying the heat, enjoying the weightlessness. Jack could tell Felix was relaxed in the way he moved. His reaches were long and languid, and his kicks were lazy. Jack could practically watch the stress melt from Felix’s bones. It had to be the heated pool.

Then, Felix stopped swimming. He stood in the shallows and just kinda looked at nothing for a long time. Jack watched Felix’s thoughts visibly change through the morphing of Felix’s expressions, though they were just the slightest little ticks. 

Jack wondered what he was thinking, but it felt wrong to ask. He was supposed to be respecting Felix’s privacy. He was supposed to be stepping back and not pushing and keeping Felix at arm’s length as requested. Jack, more than anything, wanted to keep Felix happy by keeping himself away. If Jack controlled himself, Felix wouldn’t call for a need of cold turkey, no contact whatsoever. Earning the title of a boyfriend was an amazing step forward, and it helped Jack understand that Felix was steadily working his way through that list of problems. Jack could do this, he knew he could. But he’d have to keep from staring like he was now. Analyzing Felix like this, obsessing— it only made it harder for Jack to tear his eyes away when too long became too much. 

Jack sighed and ran a hand through his wet hair. He honestly hated the situation he was in, if only a little. He knew he was doing the right thing, and he knew it was what Felix needed. But what Jack was feeling didn’t have much to do with his selfless decisions for Felix’s happiness. His feelings were entirely selfish. Possessive, even, in the same way he’d accused Felix of being. He wondered if being in love was supposed to be this hard. He wondered if every other couple felt so torn up by their complicated feelings. Was it unhealthy to want to be with someone forever? Or was it wrong to want to be apart from them for moments in time? Was it love if you needed breaks? Was it sick to never want to be apart?

Jack wrung his fingers together, then pressed his fingertips into his thighs. He wanted to leave a bruise, but that was a bad idea, so he lifted his hands up and away. They ended up on his neck and he accidentally brushed the mark Ken had left. It hurt a little, or at least was sensitive to the touch. Jack grimaced and pressed his nail into it. There was pain now, lacing through his skin and down his spine. He relished it. He was a fucking idiot and he deserved to remember what happened when he didn’t trust the people who cared about him. 

He brought himself out of his thoughts and saw Felix was watching him. Jack couldn’t read him. He just knew Felix had undoubtedly seen the way Jack had hurt himself with the mark on his neck. Jack felt like he needed to apologize, though he couldn’t explain why. It wasn’t like he wasn’t a victim in all of this shit. And he knew Felix would get pissed if he tried to say sorry. 

Jack trailed his toes through the water and tore his eyes' from Felix’s, refusing to let himself wither under Felix’s fierce expression. He felt a curl of anger, stemming from that possessive feeling from before. He knew he couldn’t push Felix, but sometimes it was so hard with the way Felix seemed to be trying to pull him in. It wasn’t fair. Felix was expecting Jack to stay at arms length while he slipped under and got all in Jack’s face. Felix wasn’t playing by his own rules. The very way Felix had just been looking at him, with all the intensity of a fully-intentional eye-fucking. It was just so fucking unfair to Jack.  
There was the gentle sound of rippling water, and Jack saw Felix was swimming towards him with that same, severe look in his eyes. Jack clenched his hands into fists in his laps and readied himself for whatever Felix was about to do. This wasn’t Felix’s fault. The unfairness wasn’t Felix’s fault, because Felix had been fucked over so many damn times that he couldn’t barely stand on his own. Jack couldn’t hold any of this against him. That would just be cruel. 

If anything, Felix was doing what Jack had told him to do all along. Felix was doing what he needed to do to help himself cope and not buckle under the pressure. If that meant that Jack had to endure some tortures of the heart, then he would live with it. He was Felix’s boyfriend, after all.

Felix was underneath the diving board now. He reached up and held onto the edge, hoisting himself up with a surprising show of strength, especially considering his shoulder was a little fucked after the accident. Jack watched the water drip from Felix’s skin, droplets sculpting his features, dusting his eyelashes and his cheekbones and sliding down his cheeks. Jack’s breath caught, but he refused to move. 

Felix held himself in suspension for a long moment. Jack could feel the muscle’s in Felix’s arms quiver. “Need some help?” Jack asked, leaning back to keep the distance. He couldn’t keep himself from staring at Felix’s glistening lips, but he could keep himself from just claiming those tantalizing lips with teeth and a lack of self control. “Thought your shoulder was shite, Felix. And yer side.”

Felix stared through him. “I’m a total dick, aren’t I?”

Jack flinched and resisted the urge to push Felix away. It wasn’t like it would hurt Felix, he’d just fall back into the water.

“Yeah, I’m a dick,” Felix said with a sigh. He looked disappointed, though not with Jack. “All my fucking talk about needing time and you being able to handle it. Maybe that was fine before the dance, but I shouldn’t have thought of only myself. I should’ve taken into account what you need.”

“A-and what is that?” Jack asked, his voice low and cracking at the end. Listening to Felix say these things while being so close to him was messing with his head. The t-shirt Felix was wearing (it was blue and perfect for Felix’s eyes) was sticking to his skin and accentuating every hard line of Felix’s body. Jack was… Jack was weak. He shuddered and looked away. “Fuck, Felix, I’m trying me hardest.”

“Trying your hardest to what?”

How was Felix still holding himself up? “To not touch ye’,” Jack choked out. “I want ye’ so fuckin’ badly, you get that, right? I look at the way your fingers move when ye’ talk and I get heart palpitations. I’m, I’m beyond infatuated with ye’. I’m fuckin’ head over heels and headline into the abyss. I can’t… I can keep saying no, I can keep from pushin’, like ye’ asked, and I’m trying my hardest, but you’re making it so fucking difficult. I’m so fuckin’ happy ye’ve given me a step forward. I’m happy to be your boyfriend. I just can’t stop myself from wanting more.”

Felix let out a self-deprecating laugh. “I’m such a fucking dick,” Felix said. “Can I… Can I come up next to you? To sit?” Jack scooched over so his legs were hanging off the left side of the diving board. Felix hoisted himself up and sat with his legs over the right. They were pressed together, back to back. Jack could feel Felix’s ribcage work as he breathed. Jack’s own broken rib hurt at the thought.

“I’m worried,” Felix began. “That… by trying to keep myself from getting hurt or overwhelmed, I may be hurting you instead.” There was a pause between them. “Is that… Am I wrong to think about that? Because the way you were looking back there… It looked like me. Like I used to look. And I remembered how much I needed someone back then. So I, I’m worried that you may be in the same boat.”

Felix sighed. “Ken just does shit to ya. It’s weird. You always kinda assume that after something like that, you’d want to never be touched by anyone ever again. You think you’d be scared of another person’s hands for the rest of your life. But when you’re just thinking, all by yourself, you just, y-you feel this need for one person. The only person who helps that sort of awful shit go away. It’s the only person you feel like you’d ever let touch you again and…”

Jack swallowed hard. “And I wasn’t even there.”

“I don’t want you to go through what I did.” Felix’s voice was raw and ragged. “I don’t want you to not be able to reach out and touch the only person you think can make the memory go away. The memory of his hands. I-I know you might think what you went through isn’t much compared to what others have gone through, but it was a fucking awful experience no matter what. I don’t want you to keep yourself from getting what you need just because you think it’s what I need.” Felix was silent for a moment. “Unless… it’s not me. And in that case, I-I want you to feel like you can go to whoever you need to and not have to worry about me. Even with that new boyfriend title. I don’t want to you feel like you’re forced to rely on only one person. I know how it feels, Jack. I’ll… I’ll understand.”

Jack scowled. “Shut the fuck up, Felix,” he said. “There’s no one else. There never could be.” He felt something shudder out of Felix. “Now turn the fuck around and hug me, ye’ fuckin’ bastard.” After a moment, he felt the arms wrap around his torso. Jack sank back into the embrace. He was sure it wasn’t comfortable for Felix to twist his torso all the way around like this, but he was going to let himself be a small step towards selfish. Maybe he couldn’t kiss Felix, but at least he could leech away Felix’s warmth. Felix’s hand was huge across Jack’s chest, while the other was cradling Jack’s side gingerly. Jack turned his head and ended up pressing his nose into Felix’s wet hair. Jesus, the lavender was overpowering, even when mixed with the chlorine. 

“I know ye’ve got to take yer time,” Jack said. “But I really fuckin’ need to know that I won’t upset ye’ by needin’ ye'. I swear to god, I’ll never be asking ye’ for anything beyond, b-beyond comfort.” His cheeks reddened. He was embarrassed to so blatantly admit to this sort of weakness. It felt odd to have to beg for something as intimate as someone else’s touch. “Ye’ve got to know, I’ll never ask for anything that could make you uncomfortable. But by god, I won’t feel any better if I’m worried that I’ll be pushing too far and you’ll be too worried about me to say no. Don’t force yourself into doing that sort of thing. Don’t… don’t make me Ken.”

“You could never be that asshole,” Felix said into the back of Jack’s neck. “I’m not about to put myself in that kind of shitty situation again. I’m not so stupid that I’ll just fall back into it.” Jack felt him smile. “Plus, you would never hurt me like that. I trust you way more than I ever trusted him.”

“I’m touched.” Jack was slowly melting more and more into Felix’s arms. “I-I know you’re not in a great place right now, but… I may need to ask for ye’ t’ help me a little in your own way.”

“I’m here for you,” Felix promised. “I’ll be here for whatever you could need. Want Oreos at three AM? I’m your man. Need a foot massage? Also me. Porn recommendation? After some time researching your tastes via your browser history, I’ll make the best fucking file of porn you could ever ask for.”

Jack shook his head. “I, I’m not joking, Felix.”

“I’m not either.” Felix loosened his hold just enough to pull back and see Jack’s face. His hand left Jack’s hip to wrap around the back of his neck and pull him in. Their foreheads touched, and Jack shut his eyes, unable to handle seeing Felix’s face this close and not give in. “I’m not joking, Jack. I’m not yanking you around. Anything you need. Anything I can give. It’s yours. I promise.”

Jack’s eyes were still shut, so he didn’t see Felix lean in that last inch and press their lips together. His eyes flew open in shock at the touch, and he snapped back, eyes searching Felix’s face for any answers. Felix was smiling. He looked a little sad. “Not trying to make this harder on you,” he said. “Just… I think that makes you feel better. Or makes you feel something, right? Something not… awful.”

“You’re killing me,” Jack choked out. “Genuinely fucking killing me.”

Felix faltered. “Should I stop?”

Jack shook his head. “I can’t answer that for ye’.”

“Okay, that’ good of you and shit, but I’m serious, dude, what do you want?”

“I wanna be your boyfriend and buy you shit and make out and maybe get ye’ off,” Jack said with a shrug. “I can have two outta four right now. I’m happy, Fe’. And I wanna be able to say that I was there for ye’ and I wanna be able to say that you came to this weird relationship on your own, feeling completely capable of knowing the amazing person you are.” A thought occurred to Jack. “If you get into this thing with me feelin’ like you’re not doing enough to make me happy, we’re doomed to fail. You need to be secure in this just as much as I am. And if ye’ feel like ye’ can’t dedicate yourself to us, then we wait. Simple as that.”

Felix groaned and slipped off the diving board into the water. “I’m still a dick,” he said beneath Jack. 

“Maybe a little,” Jack said, just to get him to stop saying it. “But hey.” He kicked some water into Felix’s face. “You’re the dick I’m in love with. Sounds a little better, yeah?”

Felix grinned a little. “I’ll write the list down,” he told Jack. “Check off something every day I can. It’ll be the lamest fucking countdown you’ll ever see, Jack, and you’ll totally hate me for it, cause I’ll give you awesome, constant MLB updates.” Felix sputtered when Jack kicked even more water at him. 

“One step at a time, Felix,” Jack said, mostly for himself. “One at a time.”


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eyyyy i'm moving across the country so it'll be a little while before the next chapter :) i wanted to leave it on a happier note while still getting shit done in this chapter. thanks for your patience!

Michael had his nails a lovely shade of pink when Jack saw him next. Michael was over the moon about them, too. Everything he did was extra flamboyant, in his own twitchy way. He’d reach higher, spread his arms wider, even wave his fingers just to watch the color catch the light and glimmer. He showed them off to Felix, then to Jack, then to Mark, which was really everyone at Felix’s house at the moment. After the pool, Amy had gone home, and Mark had convinced everyone else to got to Felix’s place for an all-nighter of video games. The night had passed uneventfully and around seven AM, Jack had asked Mark to help him figure out the fucking mark on his neck. He didn’t have any background with makeup, and had hoped Mark had gleamed a little from Amy. Mark knew the general application process, but he didn’t have any makeup. Felix still had his mother’s makeup, and Jack was pretty sure makeup didn’t expire. 

That was how Michael had found them— all crowded around Jack at the kitchen island, trying to cover up whatever Jack had still refused to look at. After making his rounds, Michael sobered a little. “It is infected?” Michael asked, staring at where Mark was furiously dusting foundation on Jack’s neck. The foundation was a bit too yellow for Jack’s skin. 

Jack groaned at Michael’s question. So it was worse than he’d expected. “I should just wear a scarf,” he said. “People will think it’s a dumb hickey. I can just pretend Felix gave it to me.”

“Bitch, I’m the one who gets the hickeys in this relationship,” Felix mumbled. He was at the sink, mixing the foundation with white eyeshadow, like that was supposed to lighten the shade. Jack didn’t have the heart to tell him that shit just didn’t work like that. 

Michael gasped softly. “I need your phone, Felix,” he said, reaching into Felix’s back pocket. Felix didn’t even flinch as Michael splayed his fingers out across Felix’s ass, probably because Michael liked the way his pink nails looked against Felix’s black pants. Michael poked at Felix’s phone slowly, using only one finger, marveling over the pink against the colorful screen. Jesus christ, it was a little adorable. 

“This isn’t working,” Mark finally huffed. “I don’t know, Jack. You _could_ wear a scarf, if you really think it wouldn't look that weird. But the rumors could be fucking nasty, especially with Felix involved.” Felix grimaced from the sink as Mark continued. “If you’re cool with everyone knowing you two are basically an item, sure, but that’ll still really fuck you up. Especially Ken’s fans. We might’ve scared him off, but you guys going official could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. I just don’t know if we can cover this up.”

“We cannot,” Michael said. “But Emma could.”

Felix turned around sharply. “Don’t call Emma.”

“Too late,” Michael said. “She, she is bringing Brad, as well. I may have omitted who the cover up is intended for, because I would not want to worry her until she is here. I have yet to tell her what happened at the dance. Have you?”

“I haven’t, and I had no fucking intention to say anything,” Felix sighed. “If she finds out I got Jack into all of this shit, she’s gonna cut my dick off.” Felix turned to Jack. “Dude, she’s gonna cut my dick off.”

“Well, I kinda need that, so I _probably_ won’t let her,” Jack said. 

“I’m so happy you two are kinda-sorta together,” Mark hummed. “Your flirting is just so refreshingly innocent. _I need your dick,_ Jack says. That’s, like, the most pure form of flirting.”

“It’s not flirting, it’s me protecting the most perfect penis,” Jack snorted.

“This isn’t cute anymore,” Mark said. 

“Is Em actually coming here?” Jack asked. “Cause, like, pretty sure I don’t want her to know about what happened either. She could go to my parents. Can you imagine what they’ll do if they find out about what Ken did? I’m gonna get my dick cut off too.”

“Too late, she is coming.” Michael seemed proud of himself regardless of the protesting. “She must see my nails. Kathryn, Kathryn did a very good job.” He did little jazz hands in the air. “Look how cute I am! I look very cute. Yes?”

“So cute,” Jack said with a slight grin. “Even if ye’ are signin’ me death sentence.”

“ETA fifteen minutes,” Michael said. 

Felix sighed heavily and gave up on his mixture. “I’m gonna go make snacks,” he said. “She’ll be less pissed about me hurting her favorite cousin if I have food for her.”

. . .

“How did you get this?” was the first thing out of Emma’s mouth when she came to the house. She had a makeup box in one hand, and a first-aid kit in the other. Jack wasn’t sure why she had the first-aid kit, but his neck was throbbing now. Maybe the mark was infected, or at least agitated by all of the cover-up attempts. “Seán, it’s like… it’s like a dog took a bite out of your neck.”

Jack grimaced. “Haven’t seen it.”

“Are you a vampire?” Emma asked incredulously. “Have you just ignored your reflection in everything? Seán, this is, this is really bad. I need you to see it.” 

Jack looked around at all the faces. Everyone was staring at Jack’s neck with newfound worry. “Uh, Mark told me it wouldn’t scar.”

Emma shook her head. “Sweetie, you’re gonna be lucky if you don’t need antibiotics.”

“Give me a mirror.” 

Brad came into the house right as Emma handed over her little makeup mirror. Jack was momentarily distracted by how Brad’s eyes hardened when he saw Jack. He was surprised he wasn’t faced with complete hatred right off the bat. Jack looked to the mirror and tried to angle it just right to see where the throbbing emanated.

Oh geez. That looked really bad. He could easily see individual teeth marks in his skin. The entire area was red and ugly looking and the scab that had covered where Ken had broken the skin was inflamed. He probably shouldn’t have gone swimming yesterday, as the chlorine had probably made this worse. There were dark patches in the red flesh that had to be blood pulling beneath the surface, terrible bruises and broken blood vessels. Jack was sure he could make himself bleed profusely if he picked at the scab. He was sure the blood was spill to the beat of his heart. Still.

“Could be worse,” he said, his throat tight. Coming away from that whole mess with only a messed up neck was a blessing.

“Who did this?” Emma demanded. Brad crossed his arms over his chest from behind. He raised a brow at Jack, waiting patiently for an answer that he probably already knew. God, did Emma not know anything about what had been happening these past two weeks? It would make sense. If she was starting her EMT work, she was arguably too busy to afford concern for everything else happening, especially with Michael’s breakdown barely behind them. Fuck, was Jack supposed to lie? Jack looked to Brad beseechingly. He didn’t know if he was actually expected to lie. “Jesus christ, Seán, who did this,” Emma pressed.

Jack didn’t want to answer. He was far too concerned about giving Brad another reason to hate his guts. 

Brad sighed, though, apparently knowing what Jack was asking him and taking pity. “It was Ken, wasn’t it?” Brad asked. “I haven’t heard from any of you since that stupid fucking dance. Was it Ken?”

Emma’s eyes went wide. “Ken’s back?”

“I knew neither of you should have gone to that damn dance,” Brad said to Felix.

“Michael wanted to go,” Felix replied with a shrug. “What was I supposed to do? Deny improvement? We want him to get better, remember? Not become a shut-in. And honestly? I’m glad I went, because Ken would’ve tried something whether or not I was there. So at least I was there to break the fucker’s window.”

“ _You broke his window?_ ” Brad threw his hands into the air. “Fuckin’ anarchy! You’re fucking stupid! He could call the cops! He could press charges! You could be put in a fucking sell, Felix, you’re an adult in, like, a week! You have a week until you an be tried as an adult, and with the aggressive nature of that crime, they’ll definitely fucking lock you up!”

“No, they really would not,” Michael said. “Emma, can you fix the wound? Clean it and such?”

“We tried to cover it up,” Mark explained, still sitting beside Jack. “It, uh. It didn’t go well.”

“You rubbed caked foundation into a nearly open wound,” she said dryly. “I need to know if there are any other injuries I have to worry about on top of this. Breaking Ken’s window? Of what, a car? Was there a fight?” Jack mulled over the idea of telling her about his rib for the smallest of seconds, and then quickly decided against risking it. Michael had said nothing could be done for it. He’d just have to be careful on his own terms.

“I have no idea what I’m allowed to tell her,” Jack finally admitted aloud. Emma sat back, narrowing her eyes.

“Seán McLoughlin, if you don’t tell me what happened right this second, I will go to your parents.”

“Me parents don’t know either, Em.”

Her face fell. “… Sweetie, what have you gotten yourself into?”

“Well, it ain’t drugs, so…”

“Prostitution,” she said. “It’s the green hair, isn’t it? Maybe that’s why my mom never let me go purple. She was just so worried about me heading to that red light district.”

“People see me hair,” Jack said, playing along. “See the green, think _‘green means go! Better fuck him in the ass.’_ It’s a foolproof plan, Em, I’ve made bank.”

“Feel free to buy me dinner tonight.” she asked as she opened up her first aid kit. “This is gonna sting, by the way. Antiseptic is a bitch on wounds as nasty as yours. How did Ken get close enough to do this kind of damage? How the hell did he even get close to your neck? God, why would he even bite you like this? This is some cannibalistic stuff. Or zombie apocalypse.”

“I will not be the one to tell you, as I am very scared of your husband,” Jack told her. 

“Brad’s just a big ol’ mama bear,” Emma snorted. “He wouldn’t hurt you.” From behind Emma, Brad made a slow motion of slicing his throat, and then pointed to Jack. Jack hissed right as the cold sting of antiseptic to the throbbing wound. Jack’s hand clenched around the arm of the chair he was sitting in. He heard the old thing creak.

“Jesus, Jack, that’s an heirloom,” Felix chided, and then Felix was holding his hand, which was pretty fucking great, except now Jack was worried about breaking one of Felix’s gorgeous fucking hands from how much it stung. Felix didn’t seem phased, though, so Jack just squeezed as hard as he felt he could without doing some permanent damage to his… his boyfriend, fuck yes, that definitely helped the pain. Jack was grinning before he could stop himself and Emma looked to their joined hands with a calculating expression, even as she continued to torture Jack with her EMT-skills.

“Something you wanna tell me, Seán?” she asked. “Something else that doesn’t necessarily include this zombie-bite on your poor neck. God, Seán, it looks so bad.” She tutted unhappily under her breath. “But, yeah.” She cut her eyes down to Jack and Felix’s hands, then waggled her brow like a looney. “Yeah?”

Jack grinned even wider. “I mean. Kinda. Yeah.” Felix didn’t comment. He was closely watching what Emma was doing, like he was trying to learn.

Emma grinned with him. “You should get a tetanus shot. I’ve heard Ken’s a bit of a poisonous son of a bitch.” She took out some gauze and and a bright blue wrap from the kit. “I’m gonna come back and change this tomorrow. If you’re not going to tell me what happened, you at least need to tell your parents. They’re gonna wonder why you’ve got a dress on your neck.” 

“Does it have t’ be blue?” Jack asked with a groan. “Gonna look weird.”

“It’s this or pink, Sweetie.”

“Emma!” Michael suddenly gasped. “That, that reminds me!” He shoved his hands in front of Jack’s face so Emma would see them. “Look at my finger nails! They are so pretty!”

Emma gasped too. “Oh my gosh, Michael, they’re so cute!” She took one of Michael’s hands to look them over. “Who did this? They’re salon quality, oh my goodness. Is there a shimmer top coat? These are amazing, Michael, this really is your color.” Michael was smiling brightly from the praise. “We’ve gotta start getting you some polish, we should make this a weekly thing.”

Brad looked a little annoyed from over Emma. “Are you gonna wrap that neck of his or not? Couldn’t it get worse the longer it’s exposed?”

Emma snapped something at Brad about patience, but Jack was a little struck. Was that concern? Or was Brad just ready to leave? Jack was only barely paying attention as Emma set about wrapping the tape around Jack’s neck after placing the gauze. The way Brad was looking at him was nothing less than terrifying. There was a coldness to his eyes and a stiffness to his posture. Jack was waiting for him to snap.

“Felix, Michael,” Brad said after a moment. “We’re going home.” Michael looked a little disappointed, and Felix tried to argue, but Brad quickly cut him off. “We have things to discuss,” he said. “I’m sure Jack and Mark have things to say to each other as well.” Shit, Jack suddenly realized Brad wasn’t looking at Jack, but at Felix’s hand in Jack’s. Fuck.

“I appreciate that,” Mark said evenly. “We’ll probably just relocate to Jack’s house, if that’s cool with him.”

“I don’t wanna—”

“We’re leaving, Felix,” Brad said firmly, interrupting the poor Swede once again. A caged look came into Felix’s eyes, and Jack squeezed Felix’s hand a little gentler than before to be reassuring. He’d expected Brad to have some sort of problem with them finally getting their shit together. He just hadn’t expected Brad to take it out on Felix and not Jack. Fuck, he hated the way Felix was looking, though. That same expression as when he’d come through his front door to see Ken. Felix’s fear of what others could do to him had multiplied after these past two weeks, and Jack would be damned before he let anyone intimidate and manipulate Felix.

“If he doesn’t want t’ go, he shouldn’t have ta’,” Jack said, putting his other hand over the hand he was holding. “Ye’ can talk to him on his own terms. You’re not going to force him into your fucking bullshit.”

The room went stone still, as no one had really ever expected Jack to stand up to Brad of all people. Why would he ever have needed to? Brad was Felix’s friend, someone who had looked out for Felix for years. Why would he need to defend Felix from Brad? Except now that same fucking person was acting like a dick and trying to bully Felix just like everyone else did. Jack wasn’t going to have it. 

“Uh…” Brad ran a hand over his face, then pulled at his beard. He looked chastised. “Fine. Felix. I would very much like to talk to you about the seriousness of this entire situation and your new relationship with Jack. As this conversation may include some more private matters, I would like to have this conversation back home. And I would like to take Michael with me, as he looks like he hasn’t had a shower in two days. Also, it’s late. I want dinner. I have lasagna in the oven and only fifteen more minutes before it's the Italian equivalent of an off road tire. Would you please come home so I can get all of this done at once with minimal effort?”

Felix hesitated. “I don’t really wanna leave Jack.”

“You, you can see him tomorrow,” Brad said. “At school. You can see him tomorrow at school.”

“He and I usually get coffee in the mornings.”

“You can pick him up and bring him coffee from home.” Brad was becoming increasingly frustrated, but he hadn’t lashed out yet. “I really need to speak with you. About more than the list things.”

“Like what?” Felix asked.

“Like Michael’s schooling? Emma’s work? My work? Then we’ve got you. We’ve got what you want to do. We’ve got your school and your future and Ken and shit like that. We’ve got to talk about what you’re going to do when Emma and I move into the city. And we need to talk about what we’re going to do with your dad.”

Felix kinda looked like he wished he’d just gone with Brad from the get-go. “You guys are moving for sure now?” he asked. “I thought that was up in the air.”

“Which is why we need to talk,” Brad reiterated. “There’s more going on now. And it needs to be discussed in length.” Jack finally understood where Felix had developed his need to talk about basically everything. Brad seemed like the kind of guy who would beat the merits of conversation into you through boring seminar and powerpoint presentations. 

Jack sighed and squeezed Felix’s hand. “Sounds like it’s important. But ye’ don’t go if you don’t want to.”

“No, I need to,” Felix sighed. “Uh.” He pulled his hand from Jacks’ and stood. “Yeah. Let’s go, Michael. Thanks, Em. For the, the wound thing.” He gestured to Jack’s neck. “I would’ve done my own thing, but I really didn’t want Brad to blow his top. Also, thanks for not cutting my dick off for accidentally getting Jack involved with the whole Ken mess.”

Emma narrowed her eyes. “I’m still missing some pieces of the puzzle, boy. Your dick ain’t safe yet.”

Felix sighed and turned to pull Jack to his feet, mindful of Jack’s rib. Felix didn’t step away and Jack ended up nearly chest to chest with Felix. There was something soulful in the way Felix was looking at him. Something sad. Felix chewed on his lower lip, before leaning in and kissing Jack on the cheek. “I’ll talk to you later,” he said. “Seeya.”

“Love you,” Jack said because he could, and he wasn’t sure if he’d said it like that yet. The smile Felix gave him was a tinge surprised and shockingly bright. 

“Yeah?” Felix asked, like he needed to double check. “Not, like, in the bro way, yeah?”

“Stop fucking fishing and come on,” Brad said. He looked very unhappy. “If he doesn’t love you at this point, I’m going to have a lot more to say about all of this shit than I’ve already got planned. Just come on.”

Felix was still smiling as he ducked his head. “Bye, Jack,” he said, sounding a little shy. “I'll text you.”

“Bye, babe,” Jack said with a showboating wink, because fuck Brad. 

“Lock up when you leave,” Felix said, backing out the door after the rest. “Or don’t. I, I don’t care.” He was smiling dopily. “You can steal half the shit in this place for all I care, none of it means anything to me, you can just…” Felix just kept fucking smiling. He stumbled a little as he backed out down the porch stairs. “I, uhm. I love you too.” 

Jack grinned and waved. “Be careful, Fe’.”

Felix waved back. He was fucking adorable like this. Brad caught him by his arm as Felix nearly fell backwards down the last step. Felix didn’t even look apologetic for his clumsiness. He just smiled with a bright blush and looked like he was denying himself a little jig of joy. Mark shut the door for them, then looked around in confusion. “Wait, why are we staying in Felix’s place?”

“Oh my god,” Jack gushed, turning on his heel and tugging at his hair. “I said it, Mark.” Now he understood. He couldn’t stop smiling either. “I said it and he said it back!”

“Jack, we’re in his house.” Mark was so hung up on the wrong things! Jack had finally been able to confess to Felix, to really say what he was feeling. He hadn’t been able to confess that all those years ago and barely could to Mark now. Being able to say it to Felix’s face was like finally being able to be himself. Accept himself. It was weird, because Jack knew he was more than just his relationship with Felix, but he’d kept that single confession bottle up for so long that now he could only feel free. Jack slowly lifted his hands towards the ceiling and took in a deep, calming breath. He wasn’t sure if that was the first time he’d said he loved Felix (and he really hoped it wasn’t), but he knew it was the first time he’d said it to really mean what it should and know that Felix understood the depth of the statement. 

“I feel so alive,” he hissed. “Mark. This feels so good.” He finally turned his head and saw that Mark was looking around Felix’s house. “… Yeah, it’s kinda weird in here,” Jack sighed, back on track. Maybe Mark was a little more uncomfortable in here than Jack was. Even though the house was strikingly different, it was still the same house Jack had spent the majority of the best years of his young life in. “His mom left and I guess his dad left soon after cause he had to. I’m guessing Felix took down all the shit that could remind him of family. Just to feel safe.”

“Just to feel better.” Mark sighed. “… I know what we’re doing this afternoon.”

“What’s that?”

“While you and I have a serious conversation, we’re going to go around town and take a shit ton of pictures,” Mark said. “You’re going to show me all of the places that mattered and then we’re gonna frame them all with the stuff leftover in my house, and maybe yours? And then we’re gonna put them all up. Then we’re gonna get some old blankets from my place. Gonna get random nicknacks from yours. Gonna get all that shit that doesn’t necessarily matter as much to us as it could to him and make this place feel more like a home than anything.”

Jack was still grinning. Fuck, it was starting to hurt. “Sounds like a great idea. Still got those pictures from the weekend? Those definitely need to be up. That selfie from the ground is definitely Instragram-able material.”

“And then we need the picture Amy took of you with Felixs’ fingers in your mouth,” Mark snickered. “Also the one I took of you guys cuddling in that hotel bed. The cuddling picture will go up in the bathroom, but the finger-fucking definitely needs to be printed out on three feet by five feet poster board to be put above his bed.”

“Fuck you, Mark,” but he was _still fucking grinning._

“Fuck you too, Jack,” Mark said. “Take me away down town. Walking fast. Faces pass, now we’re homebound.” 

Jack shoved him. “Me mum’s got a decent camera,” he said. “Let’s at least make this look better than the usual shit.”

. . .

Jack took Mark everywhere that mattered. They stopped off at the coffee shop and took a lovely photo of Lilly while she made lattes with that fancy latte creme art she’d been struggling to perfect. She smiled brightly for the picture, happy to be deemed important enough. Jack had promised to get her a frame that matched her newly-dyed green hair. She made Jack promise to bring the printed photo back so she could write Felix a little note across the back.

Then Jack took Mark to the river behind their houses, the one he and Felix had trekked up and down for days on end. Then there was the Y, where Felix had taught Jack to swim. Then this one pizza parlor that had about ten health code violations and the best fucking arcade games in Georgia. Then Mark took pictures of the streets themselves, of random people just walking past. He had this cool set up on Jack’s mum’s camera that Jack hadn’t known existed. All of these lovely old buildings (especially the main park downtown) stood out among blurs of people in a lovely, artistic composition. “These will go in the living room,” Mark said. “I’m gonna get pictures of all of us for the stairwell. Think he’d want my eighth grade graduation photo?”

“Do it,” Jack said. “I’ll give him me’ old kindergarten pictures. I’ll text Michael for some pictures.”

Mark frowned. “I thought Michael didn’t have a phone,” and yeah, Michael had said as much, except Jack totally had a message from Michael in his phone about the quarry. It had never occurred to him that Michael would want to lie, even though Jack had been there for the lie itself. Jack felt inexplicable guilt, though he didn’t know why. “He probably wants to keep his number out there to a minimum,” Mark said with an easy smile. “Lawyers and stuff.”

Jack nodded. “Makes ye’ wonder— how many times have ye’ passed the man that took him? Just walkin’ to the grocery store or somethin’ mundane. How many times have you passed the man that did such an evil thing.”

Mark nodded. “Kinda cool that he trusts you with it, though. At least you’ve got that. Brad may hate your guts, but you’ve got Michael in your court.”

“You’re making it sound like it’s a competition.”

Mark laughed a little and then quickly took a photo of Jack. Jack made a face. It probably looked stupid. Mark had been taking random photos of Jack all fucking day just to be a little shit. “I’m sure you know by now that Felix wouldn’t choose Michael over you. What do you guys call it?”

“Totally platonic boyfriends,” Jack said, making a peace sign. 

“That’s cute,” Mark said. “That’s really cute.” He then snapped another photo of Jack with his fingers up. “But that photo’s even cuter.”

“Fuck off, Mark,” Jack groaned. “Ye’ hungry yet? We’ve been out for about two hours and we haven’t had that shitty as conversation you’re so dead-set on havin’ with me.” Jack wanted to avoid it, but he also felt like Mark would feel better giving his two cents. And he hadn’t really had time to assure Mark that he wasn’t about to freak out or anything. Jack wasn’t entirely sure he wasn’t about to do that anyways. 

“I didn’t want to push you into the conversation and make you feel cornered,” Mark said with amicable patience. “I want to have this conversation on your terms.”

Jack leveled him with a weary eye. “Mark. I’m not gonna run from this.” He paused. “I know what happened. I know the weight it’ll put on me, on my psyche or whatever. I know that these waking moments aren’t a real reflection of what’s going on in my head that I’m not really aware of. If ye’ remember, we didn’t sleep last night. Just stayed up all night. I feel like that was on purpose.”

Mark bit his lip. “Felix and I didn’t want you falling asleep until we were absolutely sure nothing would happen.”

“What could happen, Mark?”

“I didn’t know,” Mark replied honestly. “But Felix did. He told me of how Michael would tear at his skin in his sleep. How he would lash out at anyone that touched him. If you should shave Brad’s beard, you’d see a scar across his chin from where Michael got him with his nails. You’d be surprised the damage that can be done by someone who’s terrified and thinks they’re fighting for their life.”

“I wouldn’t do that,” Jack said dubiously. “Would I? All Ken did was get his hand down me pants.” Mark looked a little affronted by the blatantness of Jack’s description. “I didn’t mean it like that,” he sighed. “I just mean that comparing what happened to me to what happened to Michael is almost… Almost insulting. To Michael. What he survived was hell on earth. I just got jumped by some bully.”

“Jack, you were afraid,” Mark said. “You couldn't see the expression on your face like I did. Like Felix and Tyler did.”

“Couldn’t have been that bad.” Jack wasn’t so sure he knew any better, though. 

“Jack, you could barely stand.” Mark reached out, letting the camera hang to the side in his grip. Mark rested his free hand on Jack’s shoulder. Jesus, he had big hands. “When Felix showed up, you hit the ground and you couldn’t move. Your sternum is fucked, and I have no idea how you’re walking around. _Look at your fucking neck._ He said things to you, Jack, I know he did. And he touched you in a way that no one should ever touch anyone else without permission.”

Jack felt skittish down to the bottom of his skin. He glanced around. They were still in the public park. “Can we go somewhere else?” he asked. “Somewhere a little more private?”

“I could eat,” Mark said. “Wanna go to the Varsity?”

“And come full circle?” Jack shook his head. “Mark, there is a little too much parallel involved in this for me.”

Mark grinned and squeezed his shoulder. “I’m gonna buy you a naked wiener.”

“I’m gonna slap you across the face with my own fuckin’ naked wiener if you make that joke one more time. And you owe me two fucking milkshakes with fries enough for both.”

. . .

Mark got him three milkshakes just to spite him. Mark led him to the same small booth they’d sat at last time, in the back corner, away from the TVs. Mark set down Jack’s food, divided all of it carefully in front of Jack so he could see everything. Then Mark sat across with Jack with his hands clearly atop the table. 

“There is no such thing as a ‘not-so-bad’ molestation,” Mark said firmly. “There isn’t a scale that goes from one to ten. The scale starts at ten and then turns into letters because no one who has been molested or, or raped deserves to feel like what they went through is any less worse than anyone else. There is no comparison. There is not median. There is no place where it starts to matter more than another. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is a fucking asshole.”

“Ye’re really not suggesting I’m in the same fucked up place as Michael, are ye?”

“No.” Mark sighed. “No, I’m not. What he went through was fucking awful and I… Fuck, Jack, I’m already so bad at this and I don’t want to upset you. What Michael went through is some evil stuff, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t survived your own evils as well.”

Jack put all of his focus on his milkshakes. Two chocolates and one vanilla. He always kinda wished this place had a strawberry, or maybe even a cherry. Cherry was his favorite flavor, even though he had never had a cherry flavored milkshake. He wanted to try, though.

“Am I making you uncomfortable?” Mark asked. “I would offer to stop, but I really do think this is a necessary conversation to have. And if we were at your place or mine, we’d run the risk of someone hearing something they shouldn’t know just yet. If your parents found out…” Mark trailed off. “You said you don’t want them to know?”

“God no,” Jack blurted out. “If they find out, they’ll take me back to Ireland. The only reason we ever came back to Athens in the first place was cause me therapist finally gave the okay. If they find out this place just made shit worse, they’ll take me back and keep me locked up where no one could hurt me ever again.” Jack bit his lip. “They’ll take me from Felix. From you. I don’t, I don’t want that. Maybe I’ll be able to tell them one day, but not yet.”

Mark sighed heavily. “Gotta confess, I don’t like that, Jack.”

“Well, what else can I say?” Jack asked with a shrug. “I can’t go back to Ireland, not now that I know what Felix has gone through. I can hardly support him from across the fuckin’ ocean. And how can I just leave you? You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had, and you’re far better than any friend I’ve had in a non-romantic respect. Why would I ever leave someone like ye’? That’s like gettin’ the best fuckin’ pony in the show and then shovin’ it away in a stable.”

“I appreciate being second in your list of reasons not to leave, but lying to your parents really doesn’t sit with me well. As someone who has only one parent left, whom I love very much, I feel like I have the right to emphasize how truly important parents are and how much they care about your wellbeing and how much they love you.”

Jack pursed his lips. “Felix’s parents must be some weird strain of alien race, then.”

Mark sighed even harder. “God. Yeah. I don’t, uh. I don’t have any explanation for that bullshit. Maybe parents aren’t as set in stone as I think they should be, but I know your parents care about you just as much as my mother cares for me. And I know that they’ll be heartbroken if they find out what happened years down the road.”

“I know that,” Jack said, because he did. He knew this would tear his parents apart. But he also knew what consequences would come from telling them the truth, and it was a reality he couldn’t risk. “But I know that what I need is in this fucking town. More so than Ireland.”

“That may be, but that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to know.”

“Have you seen the shit Felix does?” Jack asked. “Dude’s mentally in his forties when he’s fucking my age. If anything, I have to be mature about this, make the adult decision, and not say anything. Only then can I measure up to Felix.”

“If he heard you using him as a scapegoat for lying, I’m pretty sure he’d kick you in the balls.”

Jack snickered a bit and sat back. Then he finally started to eat the food Mark had gotten him. “I mean, probably. But I’m still right. I’m basically dating someone twenty years older than me who has the body of an eternal model, like a fucking elf. Felix told me how to say the elf name in Swedish. Lojsafar? Or something like that. I’m not saying I feel like I have to earn his affections or somethin’, I know I’ve got them, but I don’t want Felix ta’ feel like he has to carry me through life like he has to with Michael sometimes. I want us to be equals. I want to prove to him that we are on the same footing.”

“That’s very sweet and very misguided,” Mark said. “But again, I can see where you’re coming from. And maybe I dislike it— that doesn’t mean you don’t have a point.” He scratched idly at his cheek. “Back to the rape thing, then.”

Jack choked on a french fry. “Barely that,” he said, clearing his throat to recover. “Fucking christ, Mark. And I thought Felix was the one to talk shit to death.”

“Do you resent him for that?” Mark asked.

Jack snorted. “Hell no. Talking is all that’s good these days, and it’s not like he’s hard to talk to. He’s understanding and patient and way better than any therapist I could get. And he’s hot too, so.” Jack shrugged. “Totally platonic boyfriends. Can’t shag or nothin’, so all we’ve got is talking.”

“How healthy,” Mark said. “I still wanna talk with you, even if I’m not Felix.”

“You’re just as good,” Jack said, hoping to reassure him into no longer needing to talk about this. “Better, even. Because I’m not worried about stumbling over any horrible trauma for ye’. No offense, but I know what to avoid with you. I have no fucking idea what could set Felix off sometimes. I’m honestly scared to learn what’s happened to him these past two years.”

“I’m pretty sure you’ve discovered the worst of it, if that helps,” Mark said. “Like. Not to jinx everyone, but it literally can’t get any worse for him than what you’ve found out.”

Jack pressed at his temples and munched on a fry. “… Remember what you said Amy thought she saw? On his wrists.”

“I jinxed us,” Mark deadpanned. “I jinxed us in record time.”

“So there is something?” Jack pressed. “Ken told me some shit about Felix’s hips, and honestly, I-I’ve been a little too focused on other things to linger on that sort of shit, but… I mean, on the subject of things getting worse, that’s definitely a way for it to get much worse.”

“I would rather talk about the Ken thing than this,” Mark said. “I-I’ve had my own moments of weakness, back when I first lost my dad. I never took that final step, but I, I really don’t— don’t want to talk about it. I-i-it makes me…” Mark began to wring his fingers together. Jack was a little shocked. It almost sounded like Mark had a bit of a stutter. 

“I won’t,” Jack promised. “I’ll stop. I’m sorry.” God, now he felt like shit. “I, I never knew, Mark. If I had, I—”

“Jack, I want you to name one kid who hasn’t thought about it at least once,” Mark interrupted wearily. “I’m not some s-special case. I’m not anyone more important than others. Everyone our age has thought about it at least once.”

“I haven’t,” Jack said.

“What?” Mark looked shocked. “A-after fucking everything, you didn’t ever even consider it? During those nights where the walls seemed too close? Where you felt like you had no one you could talk to? That you couldn’t talk at all? W-w-when you felt like literally everyone was staring at you, pointing at you, talking behind your back?”

Jack watched Mark carefully. “That sounds a little more like a description of yourself than me.” Jesus, Mark had a stutter. Or at least, he’d used to. Jack pushed one of his three milkshakes towards Mark. “Dude, hey, it’s okay,” he said in the soothing tone he usually reserved for Felix. “You’ve been through your own hell too. All that shit you told me about how one person’s hardships ain’t worse than another’s? Same goes for you.”

“I know,” Mark sighed. “F-fuck. Fuck.” Mark took the milkshake and drank half of it before talking it again. “I used to have a speech impe-impediment, by the way.”

“I think I noticed,” Jack said with a wince. “I really would like to move that we end this conversation.”

“Just, just let me say the point I wanted to say from the beginning,” Mark pleaded. “All I w-wanted to tell you was the whatever you go through in the aftermath of dealing with this, please, please, _please_ do not be afraid to reach out to someone. Anyone. I-I know it will probably be Felix, but in the unlikely event that he doesn’t pick up, come to me. Or Tyler. Or someone. This shit can’t be handled alone, like you’ve told Felix. You can’t go through this alone and Jack? I care about you. So fucking much. You’ve quickly become one of my closest friends and I don’t know what I’ll do if I have to watch you go down the same, s-s-self-destructive path Felix took.”

Jack frowned. “Is that the root of this? You’re worried I’ll end up like Felix?”

“ _Of course I am,_ ” Mark stressed. His stutter was beginning to fade already, but there was a tremor to his fingers. “Felix is depressed, anxious, paranoid, and basically anorexic. You’re his platonic boyfriend and now you’ve been jumped by your platonic’s boyfriend’s psychotic ex. You dedicate all your time to fixing Felix, just like Felix has dedicated all of his time to fixing Michael. I’m worried out of my god damn mind that you’ll end up spiraling into the same pit of depression and self-neglect that he did. And if you haven’t ever thought of hurting yourself? I definitely don’t want you to start now.”

Jack gave himself a moment to collect the right words. “Mark,” he began carefully. “I swear to ye’. I have been through too fuckin’ much to fall to me own bad thoughts. I know I’ve shown some weird behavior, and I know I may worry ye’, but I can promise that I’ve got a good head on me shoulders. And as I’m basically all in for Felix, I’ve already realized it is absolutely necessary that I keep said good head above water.” Jack smiled a bit. “I’m gonna stay put together, cause a broken person can’t fix another broken person. I’m gonna be okay. For Felix.”

“That just doesn’t sound healthy,” Mark confessed. “Which is why I’m gonna insist that you let me be that Jiminy Cricket you completely ignored last time and make sure to listen to me when I say that you’re going a little too far or pushing yourself a little too hard.”

“I’ll listen,” Jack promised, because easing Mark’s concerns was the least he could do. “I’ll take however man steps back ye’ think I need. Like ye’ said, I can’t do this alone. I’ll take advantage of yer good advice and fancy little cricket sounds a little bit longer, yeah? Just as long as I’ll have ye’.”

Mark shook his head as he listened to Jack. “I’ve never wanted a friendship tattoo with anyone more than I want one with you.”

“Ye’ want tattoos?”

“God no,” Mark denied, shaking his head. “Not my thing. But I would definitely consider a tramp stamp with Amy’s name in the middle with butterfly wings on either side. And then I’ll put your name just to the left of it. Because my left butt cheek is the best butt cheek and you only deserve the best, Jack-a-boy.”

“Hard pass.”

Mark looked offended. “I’m giving you the left cheek, Jack! You don’t turn down the left cheek.”

“Regardless, I must respectfully decline.”

Mark threw a french fry at Jack. “Eat your fucking milkshakes, you dick,” he said. “On a happier note, we’re gonna go take a picture of Tyler and I’m gonna edit him to look like an angel so we can put it above Felix’s mantle.”

“He’s gonna love this,” Jack said. “Should make it a birthday present.”

Mark violently smacked his hands on the top of the booth, startling Jack. “ _What?_ ” he demanded in a low voice. “Birthday? We missed Felix’s birthday? Are you fucking kidding me, _we missed Felix’s birthday?_ ”

“Uh, no?” Jack said. “It’s this Tuesday. I don’t think he really celebrates anymore. He told me he doesn’t, which, like, sure. He never actually cared all that much when we were younger, either. But yeah, Tuesday. He probably will be over at Brad’s for tonight, and I’m sure I can keep him away from this place until Tuesday.” Jack grinned. “Wanna get this all set up Monday night? Make it a grand affair?”

Mark was still staring at him weird. “Jack, I don’t think you realize how important birthdays are among us.”

“I’m sure I don’t,” Jack agreed. 

“I need to gather resources,” Mark said. “You, you make sure that Felix stays away from that house until after school on Tuesday. But I need you here for Monday after school, so it has to be something underhanded.”

“I could just ask him to stay away.”

“Jack, this is a god damn surprise party, telling someone blatantly not to come around until a certain time in the week of their birthday completely gives away the surprise itself. You have to lie. Just a little white lie.”

Jack snorted. “I don’t lie to Felix.”

Mark squinted shrewdly across the booth. “This is a bad time to have scruples, Jack. It’s his _birthday._ How old is he turning?”

“Eighteen.”

Mark’s eyes widened and his jaw fell slack. “Jack,” he whispered. “We need to get fireworks.”

“No fireworks. Felix doesn’t like the loud shit.” Jack sat back, drinking the last of his chocolate shake, shaking his head. “He doesn’t like fanfare and crazy stuff, he likes small events and being with the right people. And ye’ have to realize that he’ll want to be with Brad and Michael and Emma for his birthday.”

Mark frowned. “So?”

“ _So_ I obviously can’t be in the same place as Brad. And I’m not about to be the person to tell Felix he needs to choose between mommy and daddy. I’m thinking we just let him have his fun with his family and then he can come to the house all decked up whenever he’s ready.”

Mark’s face fell. “But… platonic boyfriend birthdays.”

“Platonic boyfriends must understand when their partner needs to not be forced to choose between two very important groups of people in his life,” Jack explained patiently. “That’ll just add even more stress. Stress on birthdays is a big no-no, Mark.”

Mark crossed his arms over his chest with a fierce pout. He looked out the window to his right. “What if I wanna celebrate that he’s alive and shit?” Jack raised a brow, then waved his hand to motion for Mark to continue. 

“I mean, I like Felix too,” Mark explained. “I think he’s a cool guy! He’s got great taste in games and Irish dudes and he basically shoved Tyler and Ethan together with that one thing at lunch. And he’s so fucking loyal and I’m almost jealous of how protective he is of the people he cares about. Like, I’d like to be the guy. I’d like to be that steadfastly reliable and unwaveringly devoted to people. I’d like to be someone that trustworthy. And I kinda look up to him, because he came out of all that bad shit a better person. He took the cruelty of the school and the bullying of his peers and stood strong. He came out of an abusive relationship with a strong idea of who he was. He came back from being abandoned by his parents. And even after being thrown aside, he was able to get over his fears and forgive you. That’s just… He’s a really good person and I like Felix.”

There was the faintest tinge to Mark’s cheeks. “I don’t know. I want to be more like him. I want to be the kind of person who can build people up and always be there for their friends.”

“You already are,” Jack said. “You came at Ken with the golf club, remember? And ye’ve always been here to force me into talking about me feelings and making me think things through. You are reliable. You are trustworthy.” Jack kicked his shoe gently under the table to make Mark look at him. “Hey,” he called out softly. “You’re a good friend. You’re just as good as Felix.”

“I, uh, I’ve got something pretty fucked up to say,” Mark hedged. “Like, really messed up. But I’m gonna say it anyways.” Mark ran his fingers through his hair. “Sometimes… I wish bad things would happen in my life, and even to people I care about. Not because I want them hurt and not because I want them to end up messed up. I-I want the opportunity to prove myself to be reliable like Felix is. The only reason he’s known to be the person that he is is because he was faced with evil and showed his true colors. Colors that turned out to be so heartbreakingly good. I don’t want people to get hurt, but… I-I want the chance to prove myself. And I can only get that chance if people get hurt.” Mark winced. “Fucked up, right?”

“I mean, a little?” Jack shrugged. “But I’m kinda in the same boat. I’m only able to show Felix I can be who he needs me to be because he’s gone through something horrible. I can understand a need to prove yourself, and it’s good you realize the circumstances necessary for that to happen are, uhm, not that great. I mean, as long as you don’t go seeking out trouble for others, I’m sure it’s fine.”

“Humans are so messed up,” Mark sighed. 

“Could be worse,” Jack said. “You could be a furry or something.” Mark choked on a laugh, and Jack grinned. “Even worse than that— you could be a furry that’s allergic to fur.”

“That’s just too cruel for me to imagine,” Mark said. 

“The agony of existence would become too much for ye’. You’d spiral out of control. Soon you’d be making your furry outfits to look like hairless cat. You’d be shunned from the furry community. No one would ever love you. Eventually, ye’d sink into misery and despair and force yourself to get a Labrador. Ye’d die in yer sleep from being unable to breathe through yer allergies.”

Mark looked horrified. “That’s so sad! Oh my god, Jack, I’d rather just wish bad shit on people and hope I can be some hero in a zombie apocalypse or whatever. I don’t wanna be a lonely furry with nothing to my name but a poor, sweet doggo that will arguably devour my corpse just to survive.”

“Wow,” Jack marveled. “Ye’ actually made it worse.”

“Which is surprising, considering you’re way more of a pessimist than me,” Mark said. “Which is also surprising, because you’re actually the ultimate optimist compared to Felix.”

“What can I say?” Jack asked as he finished off his vanilla milkshake. “It’s a dark world out there, Mark.”

“I think you mean dank.”

“If we had any food left, I’d be chucking it at yer damn ugly face.”

Mark smiled down at the table. “Thank you for listening to me, Jack,” he said after a pause. “I know it’s usually the other way around. It’s good to know we can have a symbiotic relationship.”

“That’s what friends are for,” Jack said. “Free food and dumb sentences.” Jack grinned again. “I’m happy t’ have you in me life, Mark. Genuinely. It’s cheesy and gay as all fucking hell, but I’m still glad for what I have. Coming back to Athens had more perks to it than just Felix.”

“Awh, I’m blushing,” and that sounded like he was trying to joke, but Mark really was looking a little bashful. “You’re totally coming onto me, aren’t you. I’m sorry, Jack, but I must decline your affections. I know my arms are beefy and my body swole, but my heart belongs to another.” Jack rolled his eyes as Mark made a show of flexing his arms. 

“Can’t ye’ even be serious for a moment?” Jack asked just to be a shithead.

Mark laughed and started to push himself out of the booth. “C’mon, Jack,” he said. “We’ve got to get some pictures of the others, you need to get those photos from Michael, a cake must be baked, and we need to get a crap ton of frames for all of these photos. And all of them have to be bright fuchsia.”


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that took so long the move was a mess and i got in a car accident so cheers
> 
> that fucking darkiplier origin story tho amiright? fuck me sideways

“It was just so crazy,” Felix murmured from where he lied beside Jack in the dark of Jack’s room, sometime around midnight. At the end of the day, Mark had gone back to his own home to help his mother make lunches for the week, and Jack had planned on taking a nice long shower and heading to bed, until Felix had asked if he could come over. Jack hadn’t even hesitated in unlocking his window and eagerly awaiting his dear platonic boyfriend. Felix had crawled through the window and into Jack’s arms around nine that night. He hadn’t looked particularly shaken, so Jack had just assumed he was a little starved for the comfort and had just wanted a hug. 

Now they were curled together in Jack’s bed, wearing boxers and shirts, legs tangled, bodies hidden under the blankets. Jack couldn’t see Felix’s face, but he could feel his breath. They were lying so closely together. He soaked up the heat from Felix’s body and played with Felix’s long, lovely fingers. Felix had only started talking a few minutes ago, and Jack was eager to hear how the discussion with Brad had gone.

“Him and Emma are gonna move to Atlanta after Michael and I graduate,” Felix murmured. “He kinda extended an invitation to both me and Michael to follow if we wanted, but he knows we won’t. At least, he knows I want. He doesn’t want me to, either, not really. He and Emma want to start a family, they’ve wanted kids since they started dating. They know Michael needs economic stability, so they won’t be upset with him if he stays with them regardless, especially if he does end up going to school. But I’m…” Felix sighed and Jack felt the whole bed sink inwards in the face of Felix’s loss of his will to fight. “I’m not welcome. And I totally understand why.”

“What dicks,” Jack said. He was fully aware he was calling his own cousin a dick, and he didn’t care. What Brad and Emma were doing made them dicks. “Ye’ can’t just make someone rely on ye’ only to shove them away when it’s no longer convenient,” Jack continued. “It ain’t fuckin’ fair.” Felix didn’t answer. “Where will ye’ go?”

“Dunno.” He felt Felix shrug. “Don’t really want to stay in this house. Nothing against anyone at all, I just don’t see it as a home anymore and I doubt I ever will. And, like, I don’t want my dad to keep paying for me. If anything, I’ll leave the house so he doesn’t have to keep paying the mortgage. But I don’t really have any viable options aside from working at a McDonalds and sleeping in my car.”

“Uh, or me,” Jack reminded him with a small frown. “Ye’ have me, Felix. What, did ye’ think I’d just let ye’ end up somewhere that’s total shite and not care? Jesus christ, I’m yer fuckin’ boyfriend, I’d sooner hide ye’ in me room than let ye’ end up on the streets.”

Felix laughed a little. “Are you sure you’d be okay with that?”

“Why the hell wouldn’t I be?”

Felix shrugged again. “I’m useless, Jack,” he said quietly. “I’m dead weight. No skills beyond being an overbearing, controlling asshole. Never had a job. Never studied anything specialized. I’ve got the grades and shit, for the most part, but I have no volunteer work or anything to make me stand out in college applications. I don’t… I don’t have anything I want to do. I’m kinda just… existing. And it’s existing for this one person that’s gonna be gone soon. Michael’s gonna move on, and I’m just gonna be stuck in the mud, left behind on the roadside.”

Jack vehemently shook his head. “Not gonna happen,” he steadfastly denied. “You have a future, Felix, and a really fucking bright one at that. Even if I have to carry ye’ for years until you find that one thing that you think you can do with your life, I’ll do it. Not because of guilt, not because I think I owe you, and not because I pity you, but because I love you and I want ye’ to be happy.”

“Jack, I can’t ask that of you.”

“Ye’ don’t have to, cause it’s happening regardless.” Jack smiled in the dark. “Ye’ can’t stop me. I’m not asking ye’ to just give up, either. I’m not saying I think you’re gonna just become a bum and mooch. I know you and I know ye’ wouldn’t let yourself do that. And who the hell knows, Felix— maybe you’ll make a damn good housewife. Pretty face for me to come home to. Apron and nothing else. I’m happy so long as you’re happy.”

Felix chortled. “You’re a fucking pervert, Jack.”

“A pervert who loves you and genuinely wants you to have a comfortable and healthy future among people who love and care for ye’ unconditionally.” Jack squeezed Felix’s hand. “And I’d like one of those people to be me.” 

“Of course it’s gonna be you,” Felix said with a scoff. “Who else could it be?”

“Dunno. Got any other loudmouthed, Irish suitors I need t’ know about? Maybe ones with green hair? Lilly dyed her hair, ye’ know, and she’s really good at making fun of my accent. If ye’ suddenly decide you’re more into chics than boys, I’ll concede.”

Felix laughed a little and squirmed even closer to Jack under the covers. “I’m pretty sure I had to have sold my soul at some point to get you back,” he murmured. “No way in hell could I ever be so lucky. Like, I simply do not have the track record to explain your existence.” Felix ran his thumb over Jack’s knuckles. “Guess it’s kinda like the world evening shit out. Fucked me over so many times before, then gives me this one really good, really big thing.” There was a pause. “Worth it.”

“What?” Jack asked.

“You’re worth it. All of it. All of that pain and heartache and betrayal. You’re worth every moment of it.”

Jack suddenly couldn’t breathe. “Can I kiss ye’?”

Felix hesitated. 

“I know we agreed,” Jack hurried to explain. “I know I promised, and I’m not, I’m not pushing for anything else. I’m not pushing at all, I just, I-I have this overwhelming need to fuckin’ kiss ye’, it’s there so much, all the time, and right now it just _hurts_. I have t’ kiss ye’, Felix, it’s like a visceral fucking need, and I’m sorry, but I—”

He felt Felix’s nose against his cheek before he felt Felix’s lips. He was amazed Felix had found him so smoothly in the darkness. Jack gasped a small breath of relief and pressed into the soft touch of Felix’s mouth. Felix’s lips were chapped from all the chewing on them he did when he was anxious, and a rush of fondness squeezed Jack’s chest. His hand was clammy in Felix’s grip. 

They pulled away after a few seconds and Jack breathed out in a rush of contentment. “Thank ye’,” he murmured.

“You don’t have to thank me for that,” Felix said. “Boyfriends, remember?”

“Platonic boyfriends,” Jack corrected. “And I’m keeping it at that so ye’ never have t’ feel like anything out of your comfort zone is expected of you. Don’t sacrifice anything for me, Felix. Don’t do that to me.”

He felt the bed move, and then Felix’s face was nuzzled in Jack’s neck. Jack could feel Felix’s body relax and sink into the bed. Jack reached out and wrapped his arms around Felix. His arm was bound to fall with how it was wedged under Felix’s body, but he didn’t care all that much. Having Felix in his arms more than made up for any discomfort.

But Jack didn’t fall asleep that night. He wouldn’t let himself. He stayed awake with Felix pressed against him, and refused the need to sleep.

. . .

“How’d you get Felix to stay away?” Amy asked Monday after school, at Felix’s house. Jack had Mark, Amy, Tyler, and Ethan all over to put the finishing touches on the countless framed photographs around the house. He was working the slowest, so Amy was taking a break from arranging photos on the wall to help him arrange photos in their frames. He was tired, and he was worried it was starting to show. “I would’ve thought you two would be inseparable at this point, especially since it’s his birthday tomorrow.”

“I sent him a text this morning,” Jack said. “Just told him I had some plans and shit and I’d love to make him dinner Tuesday night. Saw him at school, told him he was gorgeous about fifteen times, then kissed his cheek goodbye.” Jack shrugged. “He has his own shit to deal with, ye’ know. He’s helping Michael figure out universities that have good psychological support programs for students.”

“Sounds difficult,” Amy said softly. Jack looked up from the picture frame he was straightening. It was the photo of Lilly. He looked at Amy, really tried to read her expression. He saw sympathy and knew it wasn’t for him.

“He’s going to be okay,” Jack said. He’d told Amy and Mark what Emma and Brad had decided. He’d talked extensively with them about Michael going to school. They were well aware of what Felix was going through. “I’m giving him all the support I can and I’m making sure that he’ll always have a home with me, wherever I am. He’s stressed and he's feeling a little… insignificant. And unwanted. But he knows I’m here and he knows I’m always gonna be.”

Amy nodded. “And, uhm. He knows Mark and I are here too, right?”

Jack paused. He’d never really thought to assure Felix of that because he hadn't been sure Mark and Amy wanted to be indebted to him in such a way. Putting himself out there had been easy enough, but he hadn’t wanted to speak for anyone else. “I could let him know, if ye’d like. Or you could tell him yourself. I’m sure he'd believe it more coming from the person I’d be speaking for.”

Amy nodded again. “It’s just so sad,” she said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “The poor kid’s leaned on Brad and Emma for so long, and now they’re just leaving. I know why they are, of course, and I completely understand. But it just feels cheap. They want to start a family. I get it. I-I’d like to have a family of my own one day, too. But putting that future above the family that you have now is just…” She trailed off with a huff. “I don’t know. I don’t have words for it. I just know I’d be very hurt if it was me.”

“Felix is doing his best to be understanding,” Jack said. 

“And that’s great, but he also has a right to be upset,” Amy pointed out. “He should be able to get angry. Like that scene in Footloose, you know? You can be an adult all you want, but sometimes you just have to blow off steam and do some awesome choreography in an abandoned garage. He has to right to be angry with what they’re doing and I want you to make sure he’s letting out that anger in a healthy way instead of bottling it up and pushing it down because he’s convinced himself that he should just be grateful or whatever for what he has now. I want you to make sure he gets that it isn’t an annoyance to be angry.”

“Uh…” Jack didn’t really have words. He looked down at the frame in his hands. If Lilly were here in person, she’d probably be agreeing passionately with Amy. “I mean, sure. I can do that. Mark and I once broke a shit ton of plates cause I was mad. I’ll bet I can find something.” He pursed his lips. “What about, like… bumper cars?”

“That’s fucking lame, Jack,” she giggled. “You can do better than that. What about, like, angry sex?”

Jack kicked the chair she was sitting in and she shrieked in surprise. Jack didn’t grace her teasing with a response and went back to straightening out the photo. He finished and set the frame aside, thinking he would put that in the kitchen, beside the microwave. He was sure Lilly would appreciate the continuation of a theme. “Hand me the next photo.”

Jack decided Amy was a piece of shit, because the next photo she passed him was the crude photo of Jack with Felix’s fingers in his mouth. He narrowed his eyes and tore up the photo. Amy shrugged. “I printed out, like, ten of them,” she said. 

“Fucking christ, I hate ye’.”

“Mark, Jack hates me!” Amy called out. Mark responded with an unintelligible wail from the living room. He was trying to help Tyler and Ethan make a straight line to hang up the frames above the sofa. “My boyfriend’s gonna beat you up,” she said dully.

“My boyfriend’s bigger than yer boyfriend,” Jack challenged. “By, like, an inch. At least.”

“Are you calling me short, Jack?” Mark demanded loudly. “Because I’ll fight you! I have no beef with your man, but I’ll fucking fight you!”

“That picture of downtown looks a little crooked, don’t ye’ think?” Jack replied. Mark let out more garbled noises of frustration and Jack heard something like Tyler telling Mark to just “shut the fuck up, god fucking damn it, shut up.” He snickered and went back to the frames. 

Chaos aside, this was fun, and he couldn’t wait for Felix to see what they’d done. Amy had an ice cream cake back home that she was going to decorate as well as she could, which could only be pretty badly. Everyone had bought a few presents, just so Felix would have something tangible beyond the photos. Jack knew Felix didn’t care for his birthday so much, but the infectious excitement of his friends was rubbing off on Jack, and he was excited for tomorrow. He knew, for all his talk, that Felix would be incredibly touched by the lengths everyone had gone to for him. 

Jack suddenly heard a car pulling into the driveway, and he sat up straighter. “I told Felix not to come over or anything, and he wouldn’t leave Michael otherwise,” he said when Amy looked just as alarmed as he felt. “That can’t be him.”

“Mark!” Amy cried out. “Get ready to bug out! Grab everything! Red alert!” She gathered up all the photos and frames clumsily in her arms. “Back door, back door!” she was shouting. “Can we jump the fence? Jack, we need to hide this shit! Is your house unlocked?”

The front door opened, and Jack whirled around, ready to distract Felix with pointless conversation and getting in his face so he wouldn't be able to see beyond Jack’s shoulder, but he stopped short. It wasn’t Felix standing in the doorway.

“Who is that?” Amy asked.

The man was about Felix’s height, with graying blond hair and thin, wire glasses. He had strong, sturdy shoulders, but was as lithe as Felix. He wore a a white, button-up shirt tucked into navy blue slacks with smart, brown loafers. He didn’t looked the least bit surprised to see Jack.

“Mr. Kjellberg,” Jack said, unsure of what he should do from here. He was a little too tired to know how this whole disaster should be handled. “I, uh. I didn’t think ye’d be home until the holidays.”

Mr. Kjellberg shrugged. He looked beyond Jack to the strangers in his house. “I would never miss my son’s birthday,” he said in that strong, Swedish accent. “Though I must admit, I didn’t think I’d see you either. Or these people.” He looked to what Amy was holding. “What are those photographs for?”

“Birthday present,” Jack replied stiffly. He swallowed hard. “I…”

Mr. Kjellberg waited patiently for Jack to continue, but Jack couldn’t. The man sighed and then looked beyond Jack again. “I’m afraid I must ask that you lall eave for a while,” he said. “If what you’re doing is what I believe it to be, you will have plenty of time to finish your project tomorrow, after your classes. I’m sure Seán will speak with all of you and work something out, but I do wish to have a conversation with him.” Fuck, Jack was in so much trouble. 

“You can go to my place,” Jack told Amy and the others. They were watching Jack like they weren’t sure it was safe to leave him alone. “I’ll be there soon.”

“Jack, we—”

“I’ll be fine,” Jack said, interrupting Mark firmly. “This is Felix’s father. Not any psycho trying to get me like Michael, okay? Completely safe.” He knew Mr. Kjellberg, even if he was sure there was a large stain on their relationship after Jack had left. Mr. Kjellberg had been a man Jack had looked up to like his own father when he’d been younger. He wasn’t excited for whatever Mr. Kjellberg had to say, but he knew the man would never hurt him.

His four friends filtered out hesitantly, all of them looking over Mr. Kjellberg without shame. They carried out all the photos and frames and nails and hammers, and shut the front door behind them. Mr. Kjellberg set the bag Jack hadn’t noticed he was carrying on the foyer floor. 

“It’s been a while,” Mr. Kjellberg said diplomatically. “You go by Jack now?”

Jack nodded. “Had a little change of person back in Ireland,” he said. 

“I’m sure it was what was best for you,” Mr. Kjellberg murmured. “Coffee? Tea? If my son has any stocked, I would like to offer it.”

“He has orange juice,” Jack said. “That’s it.”

Mr. Kjellberg grimaced as he went into the kitchen. He checked the nearly empty pantries and heaved a sigh. “That boy,” he said, mostly to himself. “It seems all he wishes to do is give me concern.”

Jack bristled. “Felix is practically on his own,” he defended. He was too tired for this. “He does what he must.”

“I understand that, but starving himself is hardly the thing to do.”

Jack was surprised. He hadn’t thought Mr. Kjellberg would know so much about what was going on with his son. How could he with being away for so long? Even if Mr. Kjellberg did care (contrary to what Jack believed to be true), it seemed a little impossible that he could know about the things Felix had managed to hide from even Jack for so long. 

“You seem shocked,” Mr. Kjellberg observed. “Is it really so hard to believe that I still know my son better than anyone else?”

“If ye’ knew him so well, you’d be home,” Jack challenged before he could stop himself. There was another heavy sigh from Mr. Kjellberg. 

“I know that life hasn’t been easy for Felix since I left,” the man said after a moment. “And I know that a lot of that is largely my fault. Losing his mother and father, though for entirely different reasons, is a terrible thing to happen. But his mother insisted that I continue to pay for much of her life, and she has become quite a frivolous and selfish person since leaving. I had to take the promotion simply to afford her lifestyle and Felix’s necessities.” He looked back to the pantry. “I’ve been giving him quite a hefty allowance so he can keep himself well fed and filled with some sort of happiness from entertainment, but he has barely spent any of it. He simply saves it all in the account, as if he is planning for something. Never made sense to me, really. He has a healthy college fund.”

Jack hadn’t known this, but he knew well enough why Felix wouldn’t spend the money. “He didn’t want yer cash, he wanted you,” Jack told him. “He wanted to feel like he wasn’t a mistake or a stain on the family name. But you left.”

“So did you.” 

Jack reared back like he’d been slapped. But what else could he have expected? Jack had left and Mr. Kjellberg hadn’t seen Jack’s efforts to fix things like everyone else had. Mr. Kjellberg still knew to Jack to be the immature, frightened, and selfish child he’d been back then. Jack couldn’t blame him of the accusation. 

“I know I did,” Jack said. “And I’m sorry. Felix knows I’m sorry and he knows that I regret it more than anything I’ve ever done. I left him when he needed me most and I… I don’t think I’ll ever truly forgive myself.”

Mr. Kjellberg looked him over with a sharp eye. Jack knew his weak explanation wouldn’t stand for much. Mr. Kjellberg would only start to believe Jack when he saw what he’d done. It was one of the many things Jack had admired about Mr. Kjellberg, after all. He’d lived by the philosophy that actions spoke louder than words. “Well, you are here,” Mr. Kjellberg said after a moment. “Acting on a very grandiose gesture for Felix’s birthday that goes a step beyond the average birthday gift. I suppose that means something.”

Jack relaxed a little. “I’m working on it,” he said. “One step at a time. I’m going to make it up to Felix one day.”

“I’m not the one you have to convince,” Mr. Kjellberg said. “Convince Felix, and then we’ll talk. Though I suppose we should talk now, regardless.” He leaned back against the kitchen counter. “Where is my son?”

“He’s at Brad’s,” Jack said. He was sure Mr. Kjellberg knew who Brad was, it’d be impossible for him not to. “He’s, uh. He’s helping Michael figure out school and shit. You know Michael too, right? You know them.” Mr. Kjellberg’s expression didn’t give anything away. “Michael and Brad? Felix’s friends?”

“I know them,” Mr. Kjellberg said. “I am frankly surprised Brad did not try to choke you out on sight.”

“Oh.” Jack faltered. “So ye’ know how much he hates me.”

“Of course I do,” Mr. Kjellberg said. “He resents you almost as much as I did.”

Jack faltered. “I, uh… I could leave.”

“No, no, we can’t have that,” Mr. Kjellberg said. “Even though I may dislike you based on what you’ve done, I know Felix wouldn’t let you be in this house unless he was confident in your character. He trusts you for a reason, and I should not belittle his decisions by acting against them. They were wisely made.” Mr. Kjellberg went to the fridge and took out the orange juice. 

“Now. One thing I must ask.” Mr. Kjellberg looked around his home. “The walls are empty, yes. Felix took everything down and I did not stop him, as I knew the he needed to do whatever he had to to deal with his mother’s abandonment. And yet here you are, putting up new photos. I’m not sure what was on them, but I know that there were quite a few. Seems a bit much of an effort for just a friend.”

“What?” Jack startled when he realized what Mr. Kjellberg was insinuating. He didn’t know if Felix wanted his father to know, so he could only try to avoid outright denying it for now. He wasn’t about to lie. “Mr. Kjellberg, I—”

“Seán, _helvete_ , you know to call me either Ulf or Pappa. I am not Mr. Kjellberg.”

Jack winced. “Ye’ sure?”

Ulf nodded. “No matter what you have done, you are still the same boy I watched grow. I resent what you did to Felix, but it’s more disappointment than anger. I still care about you. So Ulf or Pappa.”

Jack managed a small smile. “Pappa, I guess. Ulf still sounds weird to me.” That’s what Jack had said as a kid. Ulf smiled back.

“Are you dating my son or not?” Ulf asked, no nonsense.

Jack grimaced. Fuck. “No.”

Ulf nodded. “Good. Drink your orange juice.” He looked back into the fridge and shook his head. “ _Fy._ I shall go shopping. Have any other preparations for his birthday been made?”

“Amy got a cake,” Jack said. 

“Amy?”

“The girl who was here,” Jack explained. “With the nice hair. Her boyfriend was Mark, the dude with red hair. Then there were Tyler and Ethan. Ethan had the blue hair, Tyler had the steroid arms.”

“An apt description,” Ulf said with a nod. “How have you been, Seán? How are your parents? Can I still call you Seán?”

“Be a little weird if you didn’t,” Jack admitted. He finally took the glass of orange juice. “You knew me as a kid. My parents still call me Seán half the time. They’re good, by the by. Me mum and dad settled back in well. They’re seeing me mum’s family again and trying to enjoy it, but you know how older people can be here.”

Ulf smiled a bit and nodded. “And you?”

Jack shrugged. He wasn’t doing terrible. He hadn’t let himself sleep, though. “Not bad.”

“Really?” Ulf scratched at his nose. “You seem tired, Seán. I know I have yet to see you in quite a while, but I’m sure those marks under your eyes aren’t normal.” He smiled kindly. “Sleep deprivation isn’t a good look on you. Has no one thought to say anything?”

Jack frowned. “I’m not sleep deprived,” he lied, a little affronted by how Ulf had known what was wrong right off the bat. If Ulf had noticed, surely someone else had. That didn’t sit well with him. “I’m just a teenager. Ye’ know how they are, staying awake fer hours and shite. I’ll get sleep eventually.”

Ulf nodded. “Make it sooner rather than later. Poor Felix had such a hard time sleeping after you first left and his mother followed. He would only rest once he had run himself to the point of exhaustion. I would find him collapsed at the table, on the couch, and once in the bathroom.” Ulf shook his head, his expression unhappy. “It was hardly fair. I tried some sort of medicine for him, but nothing helped. I never was able to see if it ever improved.”

“He sleeps just fine,” Jack said, remembering not to add ‘with me.’ “He gets stressed easily, but he has good reasons. It’s not like he’s worrying himself into stupor, he has a lot going on.”

Ulf watched Jack. “… I am to assume that you know what happened this summer.”

Jack was cautious. “Do you?”

Jack was surprised when Ulf shook his head. “Felix would not tell me. Arguably, he did not want me to be concerned and return home when I could not. I have come to understand that my son has been very self-sacrificing his decisions.” Ulf shook his head. “What a stupid boy. Loving, but stupid.”

Jack had no idea if he should defend Felix or not. It was one thing to stand up to Felix’s friends, but another to stand up to his father. Again, he was at a loss for words.

Ulf looked to him and sighed. “Off with you, then,” he said, waving his hand. “You and your friends obviously laid out a plan, meaning Felix will not be home tonight. You and your friends may come over tomorrow after school to finish preparations. I had planned to be here for Felix’s birthday, but if you already had something planned…”

“You should be here too,” Jack said. “We’re weird kids, but Felix would be happy to have you.” He bit his lip. He wasn’t sure if that was true. “Can I ask ye’ somethin’?”

“Of course.”

Jack wrung his fingers together. His eyes felt too dry. “Ye’ didn’t stay with Felix only cause his mother beat ye’ to it, right?”

Ulf’s gaze became sharp. “Who would tell you something like that?”

Shit. “Felix… mentioned it.”

The sharpness died as quickly as it had come. Ulf shook his head sadly. He wearily left the kitchen and brought his bag to the stairs. “I cannot fault him for thinking something as wrong as that,” Ulf said. “Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I will talk to him.”

“Uh…” He wasn’t sure if he should have told Ulf what Felix had said. Because now Felix could get in trouble. Could he? Was Ulf actually disciplining his son anymore or had he recognized that Felix was basically emancipated at this point? Did Ulf even think of this house as his actual home anymore or just where Felix was living? Jesus christ, this was way too complicated for him. 

“I will not mention your name, no worries, no worries,” Ulf reassured him, waving his hand in the air. “You boys were always so sensitive to the idea of getting the other in trouble. I swear, you’d sooner end up in prison for life than sell the other out.” Jack wasn’t sure how that was a bad thing. “I suppose I should not unpack, then,” Ulf said. “I will stay in a hotel.”

“What?” Jack was a little affronted by the idea. “This is yer home, Pappa.” God, it felt weird to call Ulf that, but weird in a nice way. It made him feel a little younger, a little more put together at the seams. “You need ta’ stay.”

Ulf waved him off, smiling at what Jack had called him so easily. “If Felix is to have a surprise party tomorrow, then I wish to also be part of the surprise. Mostly because I would like Felix to be able to enjoy the lovely present you and your friends have planned for him. I’ll simply return home again for the first time tomorrow night. You have done a good thing and I do not wish to undermine the depth of the gift.”

“You’re his father,” Jack stressed. “That’s a little more important.”

“I will not be around forever,” Ulf said rather cryptically. “If I am ever around to begin with. The friends he has here will do more for him than I can.” Jack couldn’t argue that, but it made him a little unhappy to just concede. Felix was walking around, thinking both of his parents despised him for who he was. Yet here Ulf was, trying to surprise his son and saying that he loved Felix and was possibly even proud of him. This was big news. This was something Felix needed to know, right away. Felix deserved to be loved. “I will talk to him whenever it happens,” Ulf said casually. Like he didn’t understand the worth of his love to his son. “I shall be here until the coming Sunday, no worries. He and I will have plenty of time together.”

Jack wondered if Felix would chose Ulf over Michael. It was a weird situation that made Jack feel pity for Felix. He was sure Michael wouldn’t be okay with being around Ulf, as Ulf apparently didn’t know about this past August. That would mean Felix would have to choose with little ability to explain why. God, Jack wished he could just make things easier on his boy. 

His boy? Since when did Jack think of Felix like that? A faint blush creeped onto Jack’s cheeks, and he quickly pushed away such an embarrassing thing. He didn’t want Ulf thinking he’d become some sort of freak over the past two years. More than he already did, that is. 

“I suppose not many hotels have changed in this area, yes?” Ulf went to pick up his bag again. “Please do lock up when you and your friends leave. You may bring them back here tonight, if you wish. The more I think of it, the less enticing that bedroom upstairs becomes.” Ulf cut his eyes to the upstairs. There was something almost bitter in them. “I am quite used to hotels.”

Jack thought that was a bit sad. “I wouldn’t want to make ye’ unwelcome in yer own home…”

“This house hasn’t been a home in quite some time, Seán,” Ulf said with an edge of tiredness. “I’m sure Felix would agree with me. Maybe the efforts of your friends will help change that.” He lifted his bag and waved. “I shall see you tomorrow. Please plan on me arriving around six. I believe that shall give you and your friends ample time to have your own celebration.”

Jack felt such inexplicable guilt. He hated watching Ulf leave the house again. He knew it wasn’t his fault, it was the damn place, but he still couldn’t help himself from taking a shoulder of the blame. If he and the others hadn’t been here when Ulf had come home, Ulf would’ve… 

Slept on the couch. He probably would have slept on the couch, because Ulf seemed to hate that upstairs bedroom. His wife had abandoned his son, after all. Jack was sure Ulf had been just as blindsided by her actions as Felix had been. “I’m sorry,” he said anyways, twisting his fingers in the bottom of his shirt. “I, I’ll be sure to make a homemade dinner tomorrow.” He’d planned on just ordering pizza. “Ye’d like that, yeah? Somethin’ not from the phone book?”

Ulf sent Jack that same tired smile. “I would love that,” he said. “ _Godnatt_ , Seán.”

Jack watched him leave, chewed on his lower lip, then sent Mark a quick text, beckoning the others back into the house. Jack’s mind was swirling with questions and what-ifs. He had no idea if he was supposed to break the surprise and tell Felix his father was here. He was still in shock over seeing Ulf at all. 

As Mark spammed Jack’s phone with questions, most of them being _r u ok????’_ , Jack went to the kitchen to carefully set his glass of half-drunk orange juice in the sink. He made a mental note to bring food from his own house for dinner tomorrow. Felix’s fridge really was barren.

. . .

Later that night, after everyone had gone home after their evening of setting up, Jack went to his home with feet of intent. He knew his mother had found quite a few photo albums tucked away in the house. He knew that, while the current photos would mean a lot, Jack would have to do a lot more to reach the same level of sincere gifting. He had a few ideas, though.

. . .

 _happy birthday felix! expect a ton of platonic hugs_

Jack sent the message while waiting for Felix to show up in front of the school. It was a habit he’d picked up whenever he couldn’t ride with Felix to school, and one of the many ways he was continuing to prove himself to be trustworthy enough for Felix to rely on like he’d used to. Mark, Amy, Ethan, Tyler, and Jack had all finished setting up the photos last night, albeit with a little less excitement than before. Still, Jack knew they were looking forward to their celebration for Felix tonight. They had the cake, they had streamers, they had presents.

But Jack wanted to do his own little thing, too. He had a small, wrapped gift in his hands, and maybe he was a little nervous? But not terribly so. He was more tired than anything after barely letting himself sleep last night. He knew Felix would pretend to like it, at the very least. Jack chewed on his lower lip, casting his glance down at the concrete. Then he saw Felix’s truck pull into the parking lot. All he had to do was wait.

A minute later, and Michael was running towards Jack with his arms thrown wide open. “It is Felix’s birthday!” Michael shouted happily. “Give him big kiss!”

Jack grinned at Michael, then past Michael to Felix, who was walking behind Michael with a fond grin of his own. Felix shook his head, then waved to Jack. He looked a little tired, but nothing major. Jack had expected worse on Felix’s birthday. He was happy to see nothing majorly wrong with the look in Felix’s eyes. “Can I get a moment with ‘im?” Jack asked Michael. “Ethan’s over by the flagpole. He wants t’ talk t’ ya.” Ethan and Mark wanted to bring Michael into the birthday party, even though Jack still wasn’t sure about Michael and Ulf meeting again. 

“You wish to give him birthday blowjob,” Michael deadpanned. He pat Jack on the arm as Jack stood there in shock, unable to scrounge up a decent response. “I wish you luck. He is very squirmy and runs quickly.”

“I, I’m not doing that!” Jack sputtered. “It’s school!”

Michael just made random sing-song noises before running to Ethan with the same gusto he’d given Jack. Jack stood there with that tiny present, not entirely sure if Michael’s blatant suggestion was from something Felix had said. Fuck, did he want sex? Was Felix ready for that? Was _Jack_ ready for that? 

“Hey,” Felix greeted as he stepped up the curb and into Jack’s space. His voice was a little jagged, like he’d just woken up. Jack loved the sound and felt his heart race. But they were at school. So Jack took a step back and reached out to put a hand on Felix’s shoulder instead. He squeezed gently at the muscle as a simple greeting. 

“Happy birthday,” he said, lowering his voice to match Felix’s. “Gotcha this.”

“You know I don’t like celebrating this,” Felix said. He took the gift anyways, unable to hide the smile Jack could see. “But thanks,” Felix said, sounding genuine. “I, I really didn’t expect anything, to be honest. Brad and Michael sang happy birthday to me this morning, and Emma made me eat a cupcake. It was awful and I feel a little sick.” Felix held up the present. “Thanks for not forcing sweets on me.”

“I know I’m the sweetest ye’ can handle,” Jack said cheekily. “Open it.”

Felix snorted and tore open the wrapping paper. His jaw immediately fell open with a strangled coo. The tiny little pug figurine in his hands was something Jack had picked up while showing Mark around the other day. It was fuzzy and finely detailed. The pug was black and wearing bright yellow rain boots with an umbrella tucked between its legs and opened up over its head. “Oh my fucking god,” Felix whimpered, delicately holding the figure and gushing over how cute it was.

“Remembered how much ye’ wanted a pug when we were little,” Jack explained, over the moon with how much Felix seemed to love it. 

“I’m gonna glue it to my dashboard,” Felix said. He turned the pug around carefully so it was facing away from him. “Jack, meet Edgar,” he said firmly. Jack snorted a laugh, raising a brow at the name. “Edgar Allen Pug,” Felix clarified. “He’s a fright. Fugly as hell and one day, he will be real.” Felix giggled to himself. “Please tell me you’re okay with us getting a dog.”

“I’d be happy to raise a pug with ye’,” Jack said. “I’m glad ye’ liked the present.”

Felix stopped shoving the pug into Jack’s face and glanced around behind Jack. He looked a little anxious, and Jack was concerned until Felix suddenly swooped in and pecked the corner of Jack’s mouth. “I love you,” Felix murmured, keeping his voice low. Jack knew Felix didn’t want anyone at this damn school to know about them, so the magnitude of Felix’s action of gratitude wasn’t lost on Jack. He gaped at Felix, wondering how he’d ever gotten so lucky.

“I love you too,” he whispered. His throat felt dry. Felix’s smile became blinding and Jack suddenly wished they could ditch. “We, we should get inside,” he choked out. “Wouldn’t want anyone getting any ideas.”

Felix looked a little regretful. “Yeah,” he agreed. “Thank you for this, Jack. And for being here this year.” Felix glanced down at the pug held between his fingers. “Edgar Allen Pug is amazing, but…” Felix sent him another one of those smiles that was brighter than the sun. “You’re the best gift I could’ve asked for.” 

Felix then walked past Jack like he hadn’t just blown Jack’s fucking composure into a million, beautiful pieces. The bell rang, and Jack was barely able to recognized that he’d forgotten to consider telling Felix about Ulf. He at least hoped Felix would remember not to come home until later.

. . .

“I’m so nervous,” Ethan said as they waited for Felix to show up, hiding behind the couch. Ethan was crouched, facing Jack, with Tyler crouched just behind Ethan.Jack had half a mind of accusing Tyler of doing inappropriate things, because Ethan kept reaching back to slap his hand away from somewhere. “What if Felix gets mad?”

“Felix won’t get mad,” Jack said with a roll of his eyes. “The worst he’ll do is lie and say he loves it, then take it all down. But he'd never let ye’ know he doesn’t like it to yer face. Especially not with how much work went into it.”

“What was that thing you put up in his room?” Ethan asked. “You were, like, kicking everyone out. What was it?”

“Yeah!” Mark hissed from across the living room, where he was hiding with Amy behind the dining table. “What was that, Jack?”

“Did you make him a sex tape?” Ethan asked. He yelped as Tyler smacked him in admonishment. “It’s a legitimate question!” Ethan defended shrilly. “He could’ve fucked himself on Felix’s bed or something! It could be part of his present! He gave a gift to Felix, maybe it was some sort of toy, and the sex tape is part two.”

“I’m about to twist your fucking nut sack up into your throat,” Jack threatened lowly. 

“I’ll help,” Tyler said.

“I won’t!” Mark called out. “That’s a really weird thing to do!”

“Is that the truck?” Amy hushed them all violently. “I think he’s here!”

 _we have arrived._ Jack’s phone buzzed with Michael’s message right as Amy shushed them. He nodded to Ethan and Tyler, then to Mark and Amy. Everything was ready. The cake was decorated (and waiting in the freezer), the streamers were strung, the photos were all up on the walls, and Amy had made Felix a party crown, which was really a homemade tiara shaped out of coat hangers with gemstones glued to the corners and spikes. Jack had been mildly impressed. Amy had the crown clutched in her hands, ready to pounce and crown Felix the birthday princess. 

There were footsteps up the driveway, and the familiar sound of Michael rambling because he wanted to fill the silence. Then there was the jiggle of a doorknob, the push of bodies coming into the house, and everyone was up and shouting Felix’s name. Jack saw the shock wash over Felix’s face, and it wasn’t exactly the good kind of shock. Felix stumbled backwards, looking like he was half expecting to need to make a run for it. Michael took a firm grip of Felix’s upper arm and kept him in place, smiling widely, waiting for Felix to get over the fear. And Felix did. The fear washed from his eyes as he realized who exactly was screaming at him in his living room. 

“Fuck, you guys,” he breathed, clutching his chest. “Nearly gave me a heart attack!” He rested his weight against the table, disguising his momentary panic under the guise of acting like he was wheezing for breath. “I’m too old of this,” he told Michael with a shake of his head. “Fuckers trying to kill me.”

“Because death on your birthday is just so poetic, and not at all a mediocre trope,” Amy said with a roll of her eyes. She moved forward and pushed the crown onto Felix’s hand, looking proud of herself when she took a step back to survey her work. Felix looked like a trash fairy princess. He still looked a little freaked as he blindly inspected the crown with his hands. 

“Y’okay, Fe’?” Jack asked because he had to.

“Yeah, yeah, just…” Felix looked around. “Holy shit, guys. All of this? For me?” Jack realized Felix had only noticed the streamers when Felix reached up to delicately trace his fingers along the underside of the thin, colorful paper. “Can’t remember the last time I saw this place with decorations,” Felix snickered. “Probably Jack’s shitty birthday.”

Actually, it had been Felix’s mother’s birthday. Felix had spent an hour at the tore buying the perfect decorations, and he and Jack had spent another hour setting everything up. It had been a huge effort to find he perfect cake for her, as well. Jack looked back at the memory, feeling bittersweet. He was sure Felix actually knew his mother’s birthday was the last time this place had been decked out. He probably just didn’t want to remember it. 

“Like it?” Ethan asked with a stupid grin. “We made sure everything would match your hair.”

“My hair’s white, you asshole,” Felix laughed. The streamers were every single color, so there was no way the colors couldn’t match. “God, this…” Felix paused. He looked at the stairwell. “Are those photos?” He looked around the living room now, seeing more frames. “What the fuck?” Felix went up to the closest frame to investigate. It was the selfie Mark had taken at the fountains in Atlanta, looking down on the three of them, soaking wet and tired and happy. Jack was looking at Felix like he was completely in love. Felix lifted his fingers and gently touched the glass. 

“Is this…” Felix looked to the next photo. It was one of those fake family photos of Tyler and Ethan. They were both wearing turtlenecks and Ethan was holding a stuffed cat like it was his child. Felix choked on a laugh, then looked to the next photo. It was of Michael and Felix, sitting side by side, eating ice cream cones. It was a picture Michael had sent Jack just for this present.

Felix looked around the room. “Are all of them stuff like this?” he asked. He didn’t sound upset. Good sign.

“We figured it’d be a good way to make this house feel more like home,” Mark said. “It may be a little presumptuous to put ourselves in there, but we felt like we wanted to… reassure you that we’re you’re friends. And that you’ve earned our respect.” Mark approached Felix well within his vision and pat him on the back. “We’re here for you. Understand that.”

Felix looked blown away. His eyes ran over Amy, Ethan, and Tyler. “Really?” he asked. “All of you? Just like that?”

“Just like that?” Tyler repeated with a snort. “Well, Jack’s our friend and you beat the dude who was trying to get to Jack with a bat. That’s quite a few points in your book. Not to mention that you’re actually with Jack.”

“We want you guys to know that we support you both wholeheartedly,” Mark said. “Live long and prosper, my friends.”

“You are not relating me and Felix to that,” Jack said with a roll of his eyes. “C’mon, Fe’, there’s a shit ton more pictures upstairs.”

“And then we have cake!” Ethan cried out, shoving his fist into the air. “So much cake.”

“You’re gonna get diabetes or something,” Tyler huffed. 

“I would drown in icing if it were possible,” Ethan sighed. 

“Jack, show Felix the upstairs,” Mark said. “We’ll get the cake ready.” Am sent Jack a showboating wink over her shoulder as she followed Mark into the kitchen. Ethan made an obscene gesture with his fingers and Jack flipped him off. 

“Felix,” Jack beckoned, nodding up the stairs. “Come see yer room.”

Felix raised a brow. “Is this some weird sex thing? I thought we talked about this.” From the kitchen, Tyler laughed loudly. Jack’s cheeks reddened.

“It ain’t nothin’ like that,” he defended. “Just got somethin’ for ye’ ta’ see.”

“Is it your dick?” Felix pressed. “Do you want to show me your dick?”

“What the fuck, Felix, it’s not my fuckin’ dick, fuckin’ christ ye’ fuckhead.”

Felix giggled and followed Jack. “I’m teasing you dude, calm down,” he said, breezing past Jack up the stairs. It wasn’t hard to do. Jack’s legs were heavy with exhaustion. “There’s so many photos,” he said, looking at the frames that lined their ascent. “I just— how long did this take you guys?”

“Two days or so,” Jack said. Ulf was a sudden presence in the back of Jack’s mind, though. He really should tell Felix. He intended to once they were alone. “Mark and I went around and took pictures of all the shit we thought would be important.” Some of the photos were more of places than people. Jack watched Felix linger over the picture of the quarry. It really was something else. “We just wanted something more than a gift, yeah?” he continued a little softer. “Something with more meaning than a price tag.”

“Couldn’t put a price on any of this,” Felix murmured.

“So ye’ like it?”

Felix tore his eyes from the photo and grinned at Jack. “I fucking love it, dude,” he said sincerely. “Thank you so much. To them, too. I’ll thank them later, but for now, just, thanks. This really does mean a lot.”

Jack returned the grin, feeling a little starry-eyed. “Anything for you, Fe’.”

A pretty blush came over Felix’s cheeks, and the Swede hurried up the stairs. “So, uh,” Felix said, clearing his throat. “What, what did you want to show me?” Jack pushed past him and went to Felix’s bedroom. He faced the wall above Felix’s headboard and proudly gestured to the beautiful collage he’d made.

Every photo was of him and Felix from various ages. He had made it chronological. The collage was a misshapen circle (as you couldn’t make circles out of rectangular photos if you wanted the photos to remain upright) and on the outer part of the circle were only pictures of them from the first time they’d met, when they were around seven or eight. Pictures of them with wide, toothy smiles directed at the camera, playing in the mud, sharing juice on the couch, going for their first swim in the quarry during the warm Georgian summer. Going inwards, the pictures became more recent and they got older. 

The pictures of them awkwardly going through the first stages of puberty were honestly Jack’s favorite. Felix had pimples and the worst haircut, and Jack didn’t look much better. Most of the photos were taken by someone else, and they hardly ever looked at the camera because they’d both been so insecure. Jack also loved these photos because they were the months were Jack first began to realize that his feelings for his best friend were anything but normal. You could see it in the photos, too, if you knew what to look for. How Jack was refusing to touch Felix in most of the pictures, but the more candid shots showed how Jack would always be caught staring. It was bittersweet, and yet Jack loved the photos all the same, and he knew Felix would too. Even though Jack had left, it wasn’t like hie feelings had disappeared. He’d always cared for Felix more than he should’ve.

In the center were the few photos Jack had of them since he’d gotten back. There were one or two from the wedding, where Jack and Felix had been serendipitously in the same shot. Others were a few candid photos Amy had taken without anyone noticing. At the center was the photo of him and Felix lying together in that hotel bed in Atlanta. A more intimate shot that Jack had hidden underneath a piece of blue construction paper. You could only see it if you pushed the paper aside. Jack crawled onto the bed and did just that.

“Woah, is that…” Felix trailed off as he crawled on beside Jack for a closer look. He smiled at what he saw. “Who the fuck took this?” he asked. 

“Mark did,” Jack replied. “I’d almost asked him t’ get rid of it, but… It just seemed like too good of a moment to let go of, ye’ know?” He shrugged and let the paper fall back down, though he still kept his eyes on the collage. “It’s hidden, so no one will know that ye’ don’t want t’ know. I just wanted ye’ to have somethin’ to—”

Jack was cut off by hands on his face and Felix’s lips against his. The sudden kiss took his breath away, and he sunk lower, sitting on the bed, letting Felix loom over him. Felix put his hand in the small of Jack’s back and pressed deeper into the kiss. He pushed Jack back into the bed, laying him out on the duvet, and settling between Jack’s bent knees. They kissed slowly, trading breath more than anything. It probably should’ve been weird, but Jack couldn’t think of anything beyond the press of Felix’s legs to his inner thighs and the heat of Felix’s hands on his back and neck. 

Then Felix rested more of his weight on Jack, and jesus christ, god help him, Jack swore he could feel Felix’s heartbeat against his own chest. He moaned softly, feeling a little silly with how much this was turning him on. He tilted his head to push his tongue into Felix’s mouth and lifted his hands to tangle in Felix’s hair. He pulled Felix closer and tasted him. He felt Felix tremble a little from the effort of keeping himself up. 

Jack released Felix’s hair to push out Felix’s arms, letting the other boy fall more heavily on top of him. Felix let out a little gasp of surprise against Jack’s lips, and Jack broke the connection to press his lips to the line of Felix’s jaw. There was another catch of breath as Jack rested his hands on Felix’s thighs and just held him there as he kissed the pale skin of Felix’s neck. “Fucking gorgeous,” he murmured, straightening his legs and creating a more comfortable place for Felix to settle. He felt the other boy practically melt into him as he began to suck at the bottom of Felix’s jaw.

“Seán,” Felix said. His voice was shaking just at the end. “ _Jävla fan, vad gör du?_ ”

“Don’t understand ye’,” Jack chuckled, gently nipping at the reddening flesh. He so badly wanted to leave a mark. “English maybe?”

“Fuck, Seán,” Felix whined. He was boneless lying atop Jack. For once, Jack was glad for Felix’s horrible eating habits. He weight just enough on the side of too little that he didn’t constrict Jack’s breathing. Jack could lie like this forever. He slowed his kisses and ran his hand up and down Felix’s back, content to let Felix lie here on top of him. It felt good. He could feel every breath Felix took, every shaky movement of his body. He didn’t know if Felix was okay with the way Jack was pressed against him, but Jack would never be the one to end this. 

Felix sighed and Jack felt the air leave Felix’s lungs. He turned his nose into the crook of Felix’s neck and placed a final, gentle kiss. Felix squirmed a little, then shifted like he was about to sit back up. “Don’t go,” Jack whined, wrapping his arms around Felix’s neck to pin him down against his chest. “Ye’ feel so good.”

“Jack, let me up.”

The tone Felix took had Jack instantly releasing his hold. Felix sat up and hid his face behind his hair. “I’m sorry,” Jack said. “Whatever I did, I—”

“Don’t, don’t,” Felix sighed, waving his hand to shut Jack up. “I just, um.” Felix sat back on the bed and cross his legs. Once Jack shifted, he was finally able to see Felix’s face again, and the embarrassed expression he wore. “Not ready for things to go further,” Felix explained haltingly. “And I knew they would if I had stayed there.”

Jack’s brain slowly made the connection. He smirked. “Ye’ve got a boner.”

“Wow, fuck you.”

“I could, if ye’d like,” Jack continued to tease. “There’s no problem in it, Felix. I am yer lovely platonic boyfriend, after all. You’re fuckin’ supposed to get hard when you’re with me.”

“Jesus christ, Jack, please.”

Jack reached out, resting a hand on Felix’s cheek to pull him in for a more chaste kiss. “Felix,” he said, a little less jokingly. “I don’t mind. We won’t do anything ye’ don’t want to do, so that’s no reason to stop. It wouldn’t ever go any further than ye’ let it.”

“That’s just it,” Felix said. “I-I feel like I would've been the one to bring it further. And I’m not… I can’t…”

Felix got off the bed in a rush and went for his dresser. He came back with a pad of paper and a blue highlighter. Felix sat down beside Jack and started to write things down, his cute little pink tongue poking out. Jack wanted to kiss him again. Felix turned and showed Jack what he’d written down.

It was a list, however haphazardously thrown together. Actions written next to crudely drawn boxes. Jack took the pad from Felix and squinted as he tried to read Felix’s less-than-stellar handwriting.

_get michael to graduate_

_get michael into uni_

_brad and amy into atlanta_

_optimal BW_

_get better_

_break bad habit_

“The fuck is BW?” Jack asked after finally translated the scrawl. 

“Body weight,” Felix said. 

“And the bad habit?”

Felix shook his head. “Just a bunch of stuff.”

“What is this?” Jack thought of Felix’s hips.

“The list.” Felix took it back from Jack and tore the sheet from the pad. “This is what I have to do. Then we can really… Well, _I_ can really commit.” He held the sheet, careful not to bend the corners. “I just hate baiting you and leading you along. I want you to be able to see that I’m not, like, pushing this off with no end in sight. I do want to be with you. But I can’t. Not until I feel like I won’t just end up dragging you into my messes. So I have to fix what I can.”

Jack was still looking at the words “break bad habit.” “Felix,” he began cautiously. “Ken said something to me.”

Felix narrowed his eyes. “Well that’s no good.”

“Yeah, gotta agree with ye’ there.” Jack paused. “But it’s important. He told me to—”

“Felix!”

Felix jumped harshly from the call that came from downstairs. There was a sudden wild look to his eyes. For a split second, Felix’s gaze darted to the window, like he had half a mind to jump out and escape. 

Ulf was early.

“Felix,” Jack said, taking Felix by the front of the shirt so he could ground him. “He’s not like ye’ve thought. He doesn’t—”

“How the fuck is my dad here?” Felix asked. “Did you know something about this?”

Jack should’ve told him so much sooner. Jack regretted the last twenty-four hours like a bullet wound. He swallowed hard, then nodded. “He came home around now yesterday,” he told Felix. “Said he wanted t’ surprise ye’. Said he didn’t want me to tell ye’ he was home, but I know I should’ve told ye’ anyways, and I’m so sorry, Felix, I wanted to tell ye’ once we were alone up here, but we…” He trailed off at the awful ache in Felix’s face. “I’m sorry.” Ulf called for Felix again.

“You should’ve said something!” Felix snapped, jumping off the bed. “Fuck, fuck! _Fuck!_ ” Felix tore at his hair. “My dad’s here, fuck. What’s he going to say? If he sees that I’m with you, he’ll blame me for this shit all over again! He’ll hate me even more, Jack! He can’t know we’re friends again, you have to—”

“He already knows,” Jack said, feeling a little sick. “He came home to me in yer house yesterday. He knows we’re friends.”

Felix let out a strangled noise of panic. “Just friends, right?” 

Jack flinched. 

That stung. He couldn’t respond, knew he shouldn’t. He had no right to feel anything about what Felix had said because Jack had done the same damn thing for so long. He had no right to feel hurt. It would’ve been too hypocritical. Jack clenched his jaw and looked away so he wouldn’t say anything he didn’t deserve to. 

“Shit, Jack, I’m sorry.” Jack looked up and saw Felix watching him with a pained expression. “I didn’t… You have to understand, Jack, I ruined his life. I can’t let him find out I didn’t at least learn from my mistake. He wouldn’t understand us now, Jack, we’re not the same people that he once knew. He wouldn’t get that you’re different, and it’s not like I can explain it to him. He doesn’t listen to me anymore.” Felix moved to stand in front of where Jack was still sitting on the bed, slumped in defeat at Felix’s words still ringing in his ears. “It’s not like with everyone else,” Felix continued to try to explain. “He won’t believe me. He’ll just think that we’re the same dumb kids that do stupid things and never use our brains. He, he’ll just try to hurt us. He’ll try to tear us apart. He’ll go to your parents and—”

“Unlike yours, my parents didn’t turn their back on me,” Jack said before he could stop himself. An eye for an eye. Jack was a fucking asshole, he could tell by the way the color drained from Felix’s face.

“That, that may be true,” Felix said, his hands trembling at his sides now. “But that doesn’t mean they won’t be upset.”

Jack nodded, then looked away. “… Your father still loves ye’, Felix,” he said. “Even if you don’t believe he does. I heard the way he talked about ye’. He’s proud of what ye’ve done for yerself.”

“No he’s not.” Felix denied the possibility so suddenly that Jack was suddenly inclined to believe Felix was lying. “He’d never be proud of me. Not after what I did.”

Jack bit his lip. “Are ye’ sayin’ that to protect yerself or somethin’?” He asked after a cautious pause. “Cause ye’ haven’t seen him in a while, and it kinda sounds like you’ve been a little odd whenever he does come around. You seem like you feel so guilty, like ye’ blame yerself entirely, but I…” Jack looked to the floor. “I did this. I’m really the one to blame. If I hadn’t kissed ye’—”

“Stop, stop, stop!” Felix interrupted with an edge of mania. “Just stop! Stop taking this shit from me, stop blaming yourself, stop trying to take responsibility for my fucking mistakes! I, I’m just a fucking mess, Jack, I have that on the fucking list, I have all of this shit in my head, I can’t—”

“That’s just as much bullshit as anything else—”

_“Stop interrupting me!”_

There was a knock at the door. “Felix?” Ulf’s voice was stern through the wood of the door. “ _Är allting okej?_ ”

Felix looked to the door with naked fear. His eyes darted to the other side of the room again.

“Do not jump out the window,” Jack said firmly. “Felix, I’m going to go and open the door, yeah? And you’re gonna see yer father and give him a hug and handle this like an adult and then he’ll be gone.” Because no matter what happened here, no matter what either of them thought, Ulf would be on the road again by the end of the week. “It’s temporary.”

“It’s temporary,” Felix repeated. Then he shook his head. “It doesn’t matter if it’s for a day or for a month. Whatever happens here? It’s going to follow me for the rest of my life.”

With that said, Felix turned away and opened the door.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what's that they say about the calm before the storm?
> 
> in other news i totally can't wait for thanksgiving because turkey and ham is the best thing ever and i'm definitely gonna hate myself come tomorrow night because i have no self control around potatoes it's just wild abandon and overeating it's an ugly thing potatoes all in my hair and chest like a war zone for starch spuds beware why am i still typing

The very first thing Ulf did when the door opened was sweep his son into a hug. Jack could tell Felix hadn’t expected it, he could see it in the way Felix’s entire body went rigid. Jack was sure the second those familiar arms had wrapped around Felix’s shoulders, his brain had just shut down. Jack couldn’t blame him. He was a little shocked that that was the first thing Ulf had done, too.

Ulf had never been very affectionate. It wasn’t like he had been detached from his son when they were younger, nor had he ever denied Felix some sort of reassurance that he was loved (they’d said it to each other every time had Felix had left the house, even if it was to get the mail or something as equally mundane). But hugs weren’t really something Ulf just handed out for whatever reason. He didn’t touch people often. Jack was more than a little surprised to see the embrace. But god, was he happy Ulf had done it. 

“ _Glad att se dig,_ ” Ulf said, and now Jack remembered one think he’d hated about being among the Kjellbergs. They absolutely refused to speak English half the time. “ _Hur mår du?_ ”

“ _Fin, Pappa,_ ” Felix mumbled. He still wasn’t moving. “ _S-släpp av mig._ ”

“ _Nej,_ ” Ulf sighed. He looked over Felix’s shoulder and waved. “ _Hallå,_ Seán.”

“His name’s Jack,” Felix corrected almost sharply. 

“It’s fine,” Jack placated. “He’s cool to call me that.”

“But I can’t?” Felix asked, even more hostile. 

Okay, Jack needed to get the fuck out of there. “I’m just gonna go downstairs,” he said. “Gonna go help with the cake. And I’ve got that food to make, so…” He clapped his hands. “Promised Ulf a homemade meal. I’ve got stuff t’ prep, so I’ll just leave the two of ye’ to yer reunion.” He squeezed past them and made a hasty retreat down the stairs. “Holler if ye’ need me!” He hoped they wouldn’t need him. 

He fled into the kitchen, where Amy was busy setting out plates. When she saw him, she winced. “There wasn’t any time to warn you,” she said, her words sounding like an apology. “He was really nice to us when he came in, though, and he really liked all the photos and decorations. Did he say anything? Is Felix okay?”

“I’m sure Felix is fine,” Tyler said from the couch where he sat with Ethan in his lap, his arms around the smaller boy’s waist. Ethan looked pretty anxious. “Mr. Kjellberg didn’t seem upset. If anything, he seemed excited to see Felix. That’s gotta mean something, right?”

“I have no idea what any of this means,” Jack confessed. “I haven’t… I know what Felix says Ulf thinks, and I know what _Ulf_ says he thinks, but I have no idea who ta’ listen to. Ulf obviously knows his own thoughts better than anyone, but Felix wouldn’t think the way he does about his da’ if there wasn’t somethin’ to go off of. It’s crazy.” He tugged at his hair. “Fuck. I wish I could speak Swedish. That’s all they do with each other. Might as well be watchin’ a foreign film.”

“Sounds like fun,” Tyler said. His grip on Ethan tightened and he lifted his head to place a kiss to Ethan’s neck. A normal gesture for them, but Jack was suddenly pushed back to him and Felix on the bed and how Felix wanted to hide this from Ulf. “Is there anything else?”

Jack shook himself from the memory and wondered if he’d left any marks on Felix’s neck. “Nah, nah,” he said flippantly. “Just, uh, just trying to wrap me head around this.” He smiled tightly back at his friends. “Ulf isn’t really my biggest fan, and rightfully so. After what I did to his son—”

“You’ve apologized for it,” Amy said firmly.

“Apology doesn’t mean much to him,” Jack sighed. “He’s a man of action, not words. And he’s always been kinda harsh when it came t' Felix.” He shrugged. “I don’t mind it. Ye’ve got t’ understand, he’s known me since I was a little thing. It ain’t like he hates me or anything, he's just a little disappointed in the choices I made. I don’t blame him fer how he's upset with me. God knows I would be too if someone had done what I did ta’ Felix to any friend or even child of mine.” He paused. “If someone had done what I did to any of you.”

“It’s still kinda unfair,” Amy huffed. “You’ve been working hard. You deserve the recognition.”

“Amy, I’m getting the recognition from the only person I need,” Jack told her with a slightly easier smile. “Felix knows. It’s all that matters.”

“Gay!” Ethan called out from the couch with his hands cupped around his mouth. “Gaaaaay!” he continued to shout, even as Tyler scowled and smacked his thigh hard enough to hurt. When Ethan refused to stop, Tyler stood up in a huff, letting Ethan fall from his lap, halfway onto the couch and halfway onto the floor. Ethan yelped and Jack gave Tyler a cool nod. He appreciated the courtesy. 

“You’re the worst homosexual, Ethan,” Mark said. 

“And the worst friend,” Tyler added.

“But the most delightful!” Ethan sang from the floor. He grinned up at Jack like he hadn’t done anything wrong. “Look at my face, Jack, and tell me that you can actually stay mad at someone like me.” He made pouty lips and widened his eyes as much as he could. It looked laughably distorted. Jack rolled his eyes. “Dude, I'm just playing around,” Ethan whined. “Trying to lighten the mood. The is supposed to be a good thing.”

“Now’s not really the time for games,” Mark said. “What's happening upstairs could go very wrong. This could be serious. This could be about Felix's health, both mentally and physically. He's started eating a little more regularly, but that could stop in a moment, depending on what Mr. Kjellberg says. We can't take this lightly.”

“But we can't do anything about it either,” Ethan argued. “Not until it happens. So it doesn't do us any good to freak out before it actually happens. It just creates a lot of stress.”

“Okay, yes,” Mark admitted. “But we also can't be yelling ‘gaaaaaay!’ at our friends. It just isn't classy.”

“I have no class,” Ethan said. 

“Trust me,” Tyler grumbled. “We know.”

Ethan grinned cheekily at Tyler. “You love me.” Tyler just shook his head. 

“Ye’ really think Felix's father could set him back like that?” Jack asked after a quiet moment. “I've talked to Pappa, and he's assured me he loves Felix, but if you guys saw something that makes you think he could have been lying…”

“Pappa?” Ethan repeated, making a face. 

“You would know better than us,” Mark said, ignoring Jack’s slip. It was a little weird for him to call Ulf Pappa in front of people who weren't family. “I’d only say we have real reason to be concerned if _you_ saw anything that made you doubt his loyalty to his son or whatever you call that. But again, I do think we need to be prepared for the worst. All of us.” He looked around at everyone. “Felix is our friend, making him more than just Jack’s responsibility. We already threw our lot in with him with this whole birthday thing. Now we have to stand by our promises and be reliable.” 

Jack was suddenly reminded of what Mark had told him a day or so ago— of wanting to be put in a situation where he could prove himself to be trustworthy, like Felix had. Jack was happy to see Mark was avoiding a morbid approach and letting himself work with what he had. 

“We'll be his support group,” Amy said. “His much more, uhm, _stable_ support group. Because, no offense to Brad and Emma and Michael, they're just a little unhinged. He needs healthy stuff. Like us.” She smiled brightly at him. “Right, Jack?”

“Not gonna put ‘em down,” Jack hedged. “Just cause they might be different now doesn't mean they didn't do Felix a world of good when I left. I-I can’t criticize when I've done far worse ta’ him.”

“When will you stop putting yourself down for that?” Tyler asked with a groan. 

“Literally never.”

“You weren’t wrong for doing what you needed to do,” Tyler continued. “You get that, right? It wasn’t wrong of you for needing to go back to Ireland.”

“But it was wrong of me to leave Fel—”

“Stop it with all this right and wrong bullshit,” Mark interrupted. “It happened. We can’t keep talking about it, okay? No one will ever move on if we don’t stop fucking talking about it. So from now on, I don’t want to hear another peep about what Jack did two years ago— even from Jack himself.” He turned a pointed eye to Jack. “Got it?”

Jack grimaced. “… Look, I get where you’re comin’ from, but that’ll be a bit hard with Felix’s father and all.”

“Extenuating circumstances aside, then,” Mark alleviated. “But we don’t bring it up. Your friends don’t bring it up. Got it?”

“Got it,” Tyler grumbled.

“Got it,” Ethan echoed.

“Scouts honor,” Amy hummed. 

“I’m still gonna be a stubborn arse and give ye' a solid maybe,” Jack said. 

“Fuck you, Jack.”

“Just coverin’ me bases, Mark.”

“Felix doesn’t need you to cover your bases, he needs you to be there for him,” Mark said sharply. “And you can’t be here if you’re stuck in the past.”

“Cryptic,” Tyler mused.

“Also very true,” Amy said.

“None of ye’ get it,” Jack huffed. “Ye’ weren’t fuckin’ here! You’re new to all of this, to the Kjellbergs, ye' don’t understand how this family is.”

“How are they any different from ours?” Amy pressed.

“Well, they fuckin’ love each other, for one,” Jack said. “More than most families. Felix would ask his da’ to walk him ta’ school, and he’d beg his mum for a hug. He’d talk about them all the time, he’d always get their approval, he just fuckin’ adored them, okay? He holds their opinions to the highest fucking tier, so if Pappa doesn’t like me, then Pappa won’t let what I did stop hanging over my head.”

“Why do you keep calling him Pappa?” Ethan asked. “That’s way too kinky, even for me.”

“You totally call Tyler daddy, shut the fuck up,” Jack accused. 

“Pappa is way kinkier than daddy,” Ethan argued. “Daddy is just the fucking meme these days that everyone secretly uses, and it totally turns people on for whatever fucking reason, but using Pappa is like this weird familiar term that makes me think you might actually imagine fucking your own father”

“Tyler, hurt him for me,” Jack said. 

“But now _I_ wanna know,” Tyler replied.

Jack glared harshly at them both. “Mock this all ye’ fuckin’ want,” he said in a low voice. He was starting to get annoyed. “What _Ulf_ thinks about me is gonna decide a lot about how Felix handles our relationship. And I don’t want him to lose another parent cause of me.”

“You’re putting too much weight on your shoulders,” Amy said. “Give yourself a break.”

“Fuck it,” Jack said. “We’re done, we’re done, ye’ll never get it, it’s fine.” Mr. Kjellberg and his son were just different fucking people. It was probably the Swedish thing. “Help me make dinner. I promised a home cooked meal and I’d like ta’ give Ulf and Felix something nice after whatever the fuck they talk about.”

. . .

Dinner was baked salmon with lemon and capers, red potatoes, and roasted heirloom tomatoes. It was finished in about thirty minutes, and sat at the table for another fifteen. It was less of a disaster than Jack had ever could have expected of himself in the kitchen.

There was a movie playing, and Jack ended up watching that with the rest of his friends. It was a Halloween movie, though Jack didn’t know which one. Right as a girl died onscreen, the shouting upstairs started. Tyler turned the volume up, but the shouting didn’t last long. It went quiet again. Jack worried about the dinner getting cold. He also worried about Felix’s birthday being cursed. 

Then someone came downstairs. Jack looked up to see Ulf. Ulf met his eyes, then smiled, and then looked to the screen. “What film is this?”

“Literally no idea,” Ethan replied. “It’s a Chiller marathon, if that helps.”

“Chiller only shows the worst films, it’s always the best,” Amy said. 

“You should try and see _Månguden_ ,” Ulf said. “Swedish horror film, very fun. A killer hunts down campers, and the detective, who is the lead, is actually quite intelligent for police in a horror film.”

Amy’s eyes went wide in delight and she quickly jot down the name in her phone. Jack hadn’t really pegged her for a horror junkie, but he honestly wasn’t surprised. “Any others?” she asked. 

Ulf pursed his lips, thinking. “ _Besökarna_. _Sektor 236_. And _Radioactive Cannibal Vikings from Hell._ ”

“Is that last one even real?” Amy asked. “Please tell me that last one is real.”

“Very real, very real,” Ulf assured her. “It is about criminals going into Sweden and finding a clan of vikings that eat people. It is very, uhm, interesting.” He smiled easily. “One of my favorite films, and one of Felix’s as well, even though it terrified him as a child. It was quite humorous to me. The film is garbage.”

Amy moved over on the couch and pat the empty space beside her. “Tell me more about Swedish horror,” she said, outwardly excited. “And help me figure out just how crappy this movie is. Ethan has the brain cells of a four year old and hates it when I talk about movies as we watch them, but he can’t take on the two of us!”

Ulf laughed. Jack was shocked when he actually sat down beside Amy. “If I must,” he said. “Though I will let you know that I do have very high standards. Swedish cinematography requires the highest of skill. I doubt these silly B-films shall impress me.”

“Oh, they will impress you,” Amy told him confidently. “They’ll impress you with how fucking bad they can be.” Ulf laughed again. 

Felix came down the stairs.

He looked at the couch like he couldn’t believe Ulf was sitting there. Maybe he was still reeling from whatever had been said between them. Jack stood from where he’d been sitting next to Mark and moved into the kitchen, motioning subtly for Felix to follow him. There was a stilted moment where Jack thought Felix would ignore him, but then Felix descended the rest of the way and followed him. The kitchen wasn’t exactly private, but the movie was pretty loud and there was a row of counters between them and the others. Jack leaned against the fridge, watching Felix carefully. Felix stood in front of him, looking dazed.

“Everything okay?” he asked after a moment. His question felt heavier than he thought it should. Depending on what Ulf had said, though, Felix could end up spiraling back down that road of self-deprecation and eating disorders. And worst case scenario? Felix could ask that their relationship be kept a secret. He could ask Jack to lie. Or Felix could just end it all together. It wasn’t likely, but they weren’t even really official yet, were they? Could Jack call them official if Felix still had that list? Would the best thing that had ever happened to Jack end before it had even really begun?

“Felix,” he sad softly, denying himself the urge to reach out. “You can talk to me. Ye’ know I’m here. Whatever ye’ have to say, whatever happened… I’m here.” Felix shook his head. Jack frowned. “No? Is that a no, I don’t wanna talk, or no, Jack, ye won’t be there?”

“Neither,” Felix said. “Uhm.” Felix scratched at his neck, and only then did Jack notice the redness of his eyes. “He, he didn’t… say anything bad. Not really.” Felix wouldn’t look at him. “He said some stuff about you, though. Kinda started an argument.”

Jack nodded. “We heard.”

Felix grimaced. “Fuck. I’m sorry.”

“It ain’t anything you can help,” Jack told him softly. “Just tell me if you’re okay or not.”

“I… I think I’m okay.” Felix chuckled breathlessly. “I think I’m okay. He said he, he said he missed me and he was sorry and all of this stuff. He wouldn't let me leave until he was sure I believed him when he said that he isn’t like my mother. That he doesn’t want to be away.” Felix smiled shakily to himself. “You talked to him, didn’t you.”

“Course I did,” Jack said. “Platonic boyfriend.” He whispered that last phrase. He didn’t want to risk Ulf overhearing. But Felix rolled his eyes. 

“ _Hej, Pappa!_ ” Felix called out. “ _Vad tycker du om min pojkvän?_ ”

“While I am not happy with previous decisions, I do believe your boyfriend is a very nice young man,” Ulf said from the couch, eyes on the screen. “I wish you both the best. You two waste no time in your discussions. Very good. Adults are very straight to the point.”

Jack’s brow shot up. “Ye’ fucking told him,” he said in disbelief. “Really? Thought ye’ didn’t want him ta’ know.”

Felix shrugged, still smiling. “Kinda just slipped out.”

“Is it why the yelling started?”

Felix nodded. “Short argument. He stopped fighting me on it really quickly once I reminded him that he basically has no say in my life anymore. Kinda came to an agreement that since he’s gonna leave again, all the decisions I make are my own, for better or for worse.”

Jack nodded. “So he ain’t gonna bail ye’ from jail, but you can fuck whoever ye’ want?”

“Basically, yeah.” Felix finally met his eyes and grinned. “Kinda cool, though. He doesn’t hate your guts.”

“Oh, he definitely does,” Jack assured him. “He knows not to start shit in front of ye’ now.” He paused. “… Gotta ask, then are ye’ okay with me touchin’ you in front of him? Can we act, like… like we usually do?” They still didn’t too much, but Jack didn’t want to be worried about slipping up in front of him. 

“You mean share totally awkward and hormone filled touches with my cowardly kisses and you doting on me in a way I don’t deserve?” Felix snorted. “Sure, if you’d like. He won’t say shit. Not to our faces. He didn’t know much about Ken, really, he doesn’t know about anyone I’ve been with, so it’s not like he has anyone to compare you to. If anything, he’s probably a little happy that I actually trusted him enough to tell him about someone I’m dating. Though I really told him because he knows you almost as well as me. It’d be weird for him not to know about us.”

Jack grinned at the pronoun. “Us,” he repeated. “I get to be goofy about us again.”

“Idiot,” Felix said.

“A love struck fool,” Jack agreed. “Cause I love ya’.” Felix flushed and scrunched his nose up, now obviously embarrassed by the sentiment. It was the parent factor. Jack giggled, ready to tease the fuck out of him. He put his arms around Felix’s waist, pressing a kiss to his neck. “I wu~ub you, Fewix,” he cooed. “I wub yew so much.”

“I’m gonna fucking castrate you,” Felix threatened. 

“I wub yew more dan da starws, Fewix.”

“Stars are all you’re gonna see after I fucking clock you in the jaw,” Felix told him. “Please stop. Oh my god.”

“I can’t,” Jack said, giggling. “Your father doesn’t fucking hate us being together, and you’re gonna keep eating like ye’ should be. Yer birthday ain’t cursed and I’m still your boyfriend.” Jack nuzzled into Felix’s neck. “I love you.” He felt Felix’s arms come up and wrap around his own torso. Jack smiled into Felix’s neck. He knew he’d really pushed his luck there with that kiss to Felix’s skin. He wasn’t about to push any further. 

“I’m sorry for ruining this,” Felix murmured. “You guys did such a huge thing, and then it all just got so fucked.”

“Hardly your fault,” Jack chided. “Not like ye’ knew yer father would be comin’ home. And him comin’ wasn’t even entirely bad, now was it? He’s here and he loves ye’ and he doesn’t hate that ye’ve got a lovely Irish boy toy. If ye’ ask me, this only makes the day a little better. And look at ‘im.” He pulled away from Felix to gesture towards the living room, where Amy and Ulf were rapidly discussing horror shot techniques and Ethan was whining about their voices disrupting his listening ability. “They’re havin’ a grand ol’ time. No reason to think it’s any bad, yeah? He seems happy.”

“He does,” Felix agreed quietly. “Kinda weird. I’m not really used to seeing him smiling like that, though I’m kinda not really used to seeing him at all. Maybe he does smile like that, just not around me.”

“Don’t put yerself down,” Jack chided. “Ye’ mean more than you know.”

“As you’ve said,” Felix sighed. “Whatever. It’s weird having him back. For a while, it almost felt like I was an orphan, you know? Still kinda do. I see him there, but I don’t really register that he’s my dad anymore. He’s just, he’s the guy who raised me and shit. But I can’t think of him as my dad. If I think about him punishing me or whatever, it just makes me wanna laugh. I don’t know who he is to me anymore.”

“He’s yer father,” Jack said simply. “The relationship can change, but he’s still your dad. Like when a child moves out and becomes their own adult. That’s all ye’ve done, you’re just a little younger than when this usually happens. But it ain’t anything abnormal. Just a little early.”

Felix grimaced and met Jack’s eyes. “Promise I'm not an emotionless freak?”

“What the christ, _no_.” Jack laughed a little shakily. “Ya’ ain’t anything but what ye’ need ta’ be. And you can definitely feel emotions, yeah? Upstairs? With me? That was emotion. And what ye’ felt when ye’ saw yer dad. That was emotion. What ye’ feel for Michael and Brad and Em? Emotion.”

“What I feel for you.” Felix nodded mostly to himself. “Sorry. Sometimes I get worried that there’s something wrong with me.”

“Ain’t nothing wrong with surviving,” Jack told him. “Now, I have a dinner out on the table, and I’m not too keen on it going to waste. They’re all entranced by the tele, but why don’t you and I sit down and eat something? Could help ye’ feel a little better.”

“I could eat,” Felix admitted, and Jack swore he heard angels’ chorus. He tugged Felix to the table and pulled out his chair for him. Felix made a noise of disgust and pushed Jack into the chair instead before pulling back his own seat. “I appreciate the gesture, but I’ve definitely got a pair of balls hanging between my legs,” he said with a snort.

“Now these assholes are talking about fucking balls!” Ethan cried out, audibly annoyed. “I’ll never get to watch my movie!”

“Cry more, Ethan,” Amy and Tyler said in unison. 

“Just eat,” Jack told Felix, rolling his eyes. “He'll shut up eventually. Once Tyler kicks him enough times, he’ll quiet down.” Felix didn’t say anything as Jack started to make Felix’s plate, being sure to load it up with as much food as he could without seeming too suspicious. “Eat it all for me?” he asked with a bat of his eyelashes. Felix choked on a laugh. “They have a great relationship.”

“Sure sounds like it,” Felix said, looking down at the plate. He paused, then reached across the table with his left hand to latch onto Jack’s. Jack looked down at their joined hands, then made to ask if everything was okay, but Felix was quicker. “Just wanna hold your hand,” he mumbled. “No reason or anything. It’s just… nice…”

Jack grinned wide. He didn’t comment and went about making his own plate. He was happy to give Felix anything he could to make things a little better. He settled down, ready to eat, and glanced over to the TV. He paused. “Jesus fuckin’ christ, that really is the shittiest movie ever, ain’t it?”

. . .

Jack didn’t see much of Felix or Felix’s father in the coming week. While he was overjoyed that Ulf wasn’t shunning Jack and Felix for their tentative relationship, he still didn’t want to push any buttons. Felix stayed in his house, in his bedroom, like a normal teen the entire time Ulf was home. Jack got to watch them play the part from across the lawn. He wasn’t stalking or anything, he was just catching random moments out of luck. Like Ulf driving Felix downtown for a movie or something else that could constitute as father-son bonding. They went out for dinner quite a bit, and Ulf would take Felix to school every day that week.

It felt alarmingly normal, and Felix latched onto that normalcy like a vice. Jack could see it in the way he smiled when his father showed up on time to pick him up, like it was something mattered to Ulf. Jack could see it in the naked relief that flashed in Felix’s eyes when he realized he hadn’t been forgotten. It was obvious in the vulnerability and gentle acceptance of his father’s new nearly-constant presence. It was Felix feeling love from his father for the first time in months and it was a drug to him. It was his family. 

It was dangerous. 

Jack didn’t see it at first, too caught up in the happiness that pushed away the dark tiredness that always creeped in the corner of Felix’s mind. Jack loved that Ulf was back and repairing Felix in ways Jack hadn’t been able to touch. The love of a friend was nothing compared to the acceptance of a parent that was once absent. But it only meant that when Ulf inevitably left, Felix would be torn apart once again. 

It wasn’t good, but it was unavoidable. Jack would just need to plant his feet and help Felix through it, like he had sworn he always would. And Jack was happy to do it, but it felt like a another notch in the belt that would only weaken the leather. One day, it would snap. Jack just hoped it wouldn’t cut Felix too deep once it did. He was going to be there, regardless. 

Jack was just going to enjoy whatever peace Ulf could bring Felix. And he didn’t outright avoid them, but Jack definitely didn’t offer his company. Jack would always be here— Ulf wouldn’t after just a few days. So Jack observed contentedly from a distance, in a very not-creepy way, and didn’t take up too much of Felix’s time. He got to see his platonic boyfriend often enough in school, and if Felix seemed a little distracted? Jack knew it was the list. Michael was adamantly talking about universities he wanted to attend during lunch. Jack almost wondered what had happened to Michael’s plans to have himself admitted, but whatever question he could’ve had would be answered by the way Ethan put an arm over Michael’s shoulder and Tyler shared his lunch with the Austrian. Friends beyond the trauma. That was what Michael thought he needed.

Then there was Felix trying to help Emma and Brad get all their things sorted, like furniture and bills. Felix had said the move wasn’t going to happen anytime soon, but Brad and Emma sure seemed to be acting like it was. Jack hated to think of what would happen if too many shoes dropped at once. At least they weren’t likely to leave until Michael had graduated. 

It was a little hard for Jack. He was tired. Jack still wasn’t comfortable falling asleep on his own; he’d still see things in his head that he wished he could forget. Phantom touches and a terrible voice that would make his own thoughts a dangerous place to be. He wished Felix were able to sneak into his room like always, but he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t pull Felix away from the father he so rarely had. 

Jack missed Felix, of course, but he couldn’t begrudge him the time that he so obviously needed. Felix deserved to spend the majority of his time with a father that wanted to prove just how much he loved his son. Well, Felix deserved a lot more than just that, but baby steps. At least Jack had no reason to worry that Felix would fail to eat with Ulf around. If there was anyone in the world that could measure up against Jack with how devoted he was to Felix, it was Felix’s father.

“We’re having Mr. Kjellberg over for dinner!” Jack’s mother declared late that Saturday morning. Jack had spent the early hours sleeping in, for once. He had no plans with Mark and no plans with Felix. Jack had planned on spending the day playing his favorite game— Shadow of the Colossus— until his mother dropped this bombshell, of course. Jack felt himself freeze in the kitchen. His mother and father were watching him innocently enough. If they didn’t know already, they’d probably find out tonight. Somehow, the idea of telling his parents he was kinda-sorta back together with Felix was more terrifying than just coming out as gay. 

They’d be pissed. Jack making the same mistake like he hadn’t learned the first time would throw his mother into a tizzy, regardless of the teasing she gave him about all the time he spent with Felix. Unless Jack was being paranoid. He’d preached poetry to Felix about how his own parents had over him through the whole mess. Maybe Jack should keep some of that faith close to his chest. Maybe they wouldn’t be that upset in the end. 

“Aren’t you excited?” his mother asked with a wide smile. “To have the Kjellbergs over again. Just like old times!”

“What’re ye’ makin’?” Jack asked, wanting to keep his mind off of it. 

“Well, I was going to try my hand at some of those meatballs Mrs. Kjellberg used to make, but I realized I never could have done it justice, so I’m settling with good ol’ shepherds pie.” His mom smiled proudly across the island at Jack, before setting out a bowl of potatoes. “Want to help me? I need my king potato peeler.”

Jack grinned and gladly took the bowl with the peeler. “Child labor,” he said to her. “Could call the cops.”

“And where would you sleep after your father kicks you out for having his lovely wife arrested?” his mom asked, shaking her head as she prepared the crust. “You boys and your silly threats. I would own prison. All mothers do.”

“Have ye’ talked to Ulf?” Jack asked because the banter was doing little for his nerves. “Ye’ must’ve. Did he say anything?”

His mother raised a brow at him. “Am I not allowed to say hello to old friends?” Jack just shrugged. “All he said is that he wanted to have dinner with both families. He thought it could be nice.” She shrugged. “No harm there. He’s still the same man I knew.”She looked up at him from under her lashes. “And Felix? Is he the same?”

Jack nodded, finding it hard to speak. “He’s perfect.” She seemed surprised by the word. Jack wasn’t about to take it back. If he was going to come out to them with Felix, then he was going to make sure they knew that he had the utmost confidence in the Swede. “He’s been through his own things, and he’s really come out of it a better person. He’s just Felix, ye’ know?” Jack shrugged, unsure of how to describe Felix to his mom without sounding like he was too deeply in love. “Same dumb jokes, same stupid laugh, but different. He’s more Felix than he ever was before.” He shrugged again. “Maybe because he became a person outside of us when I left. Before that whole thing happened, Felix and I were on and the same. Now we’re not, and it’s somehow better.”

“Wow,” his mom said, sounding impressed. “Who are you and what have you done with my son? Maybe you’ve seen him? ‘Bout yea high, stubborn as a rock, and twelve years old a heart?”

Jack smirked and rolled his eyes. “Can credit that t’ Felix, ye’ know. He’s the one making me act my age.”

“Well, I always did think that boy would be good for you,” she hummed, smiling almost proudly to herself. “Can’t wait to have dinner with him again. Poor boy acted like an affection starved kitten last we saw him.”

“Like I said,” Jack sighed. “He’s been through his own stuff.”

She nodded. “Get those potatoes finished,” she told him in her mom voice. “And then set the table, please. Felix between me and your dad with Mr. Kjellberg next to you. I love you, dear, but I’ve been meaning to give that poor boy some good ol’ McLoughlin meddling.”

. . .

When the Kjellbergs finally arrived, it was the weirdest moment of surrealism Jack had experienced. Ulf and Felix stepped into Jack’s home, and Jack’s parents acted as if nothing had ever changed. They greeted Ulf loudly and warmly, instantly pulling him into the kitchen with the tempting offer of a glass of wine, and Felix and Jack were left standing alone in the foyer. Jack felt a rush of nostalgia hit him so hard it felt like he’d been punched. He then looked to Felix, wondering if it was the same for him. 

Felix didn’t look as unsettled as Jack felt, though. Instead. he smiled shyly at Jack, sheepishly scratching at the back of his head. Felix glanced to the kitchen, like he was checking to see if the coast was clear, before taking Jack’s hand and leading him upstairs to Jack’s bedroom. Felix shut the door behind them, then turned to Jack and wrapped his arms around Jack’s waist, burying his face in Jack’s neck. 

“I missed you,” were the first words Jack heard from Felix in days. It felt right. Jack put his arms around Felix and pulled him closer, tucking his nose into the spot just behind Felix’s ear.

“’S what happens when yer da’ comes home,” Jack murmured, just holding the other boy. It was already warm in his room, but Jack still couldn’t deny himself the pleasure of pulling Felix towards his bed and pushing him under the heavy duvet. Felix let out a little squeak of surprise when he hit the mattress, but grinned up at Jack all the same, moving down the bed to make room and lifting the duvet up to invite Jack inside. 

Jack slid under with him and his hands instantly found Felix’s hips, maneuvering him and pushing until Felix was lying on his back, Jack curled halfway atop him. The blanket was over their bodies and hiding them away from the world. Their parents laughed boisterously downstairs and the house smelled like delicious food. Jack sighed in contentment and curled even tighter around Felix, latching onto him like a koala bear. 

He felt Felix’s hand start brush through his hair, relaxing every muscle in Jack’s body with the simple touch. The light scrape of nails against his scalp had him almost purring, and he pressed a sloppy kiss to Felix’s sweater-covered collarbone in gratitude. He slid his hand under Felix’s shirt, seeking out skin. Felix flinched at Jack’s cold fingertips. “Irish fuck,” Felix hissed. “You’re freezing.”

“Warm me up,” Jack giggled, knowing he sounded punch-drunk. He’d missed Felix too, but he wasn’t about to say so. He didn’t want Felix feeling guilty for needing to be away. “It’s gonna be a long winter if ye’ won’t accept me frosty fingertips, Felix,” he bemoaned. “I need ye’ t’ accept me for who I am— even if I am frozen as all fuckin’ balls.”

“How the hell am I supposed to warm you up beyond what I’m already doing?”

“Could put me fingers in yer mouth,” Jack said innocently enough. He expected Felix to laugh and make a joke, or even just sputter in embarrassment and quickly deny the suggestion, but Felix became suspiciously quiet. 

“Is that, like, a kink or something?” Felix asked into the warm darkness. “Cause, cause I remember this one picture on Amy’s phone…”

“Oh jesus.”

“Boys!” came the sound of Felix’s mother from downstairs. “Dinnertime!” Jack could kiss the woman. He threw back the duvet, and Felix let out a noise of disappointment as they became part of the real world again.

“Didn’t even get to cuddle that long,” Felix lamented as Jack stood and straightened out his shirt. 

“Maybe later tonight?” Jack suggested. 

Felix frowned. “I, uh. It’s my dad’s last night in town. I know it’s weird, but… I-I’ve already gotten used to hearing him sleeping in the same house. If he’s gonna be gone, I’d like…”

When Felix trailed off, Jack bent down and placed a kiss to Felix’s cheek. “I get it,” he said, not wanting to cause Felix any further distress. “I do, Fe’. Take all the time ye’ need with him. I’ll be waiting.”

Felix looked up at him with this ache in his eyes, but he didn’t say anything. He only nodded and stood with Jack. “Wouldn’t want your parents checking on us and seeing something they shouldn’t,” he mumbled as he fixed the bottom of his sweater so it didn’t ride up his stomach. Jack reached behind Felix and slid his cold fingertips under the sweater all the same, grinning at the little squeak Felix let out before slapping wildly at Jack in retaliation. His mother called them again, and Jack fled his room, giggling like an idiot when Felix chased him down the stairs. 

Felix caught him at the bottom, putting Jack in a headlock and cursing under his breath at Jack in Swedish, digging his knuckles into Jack’s skull. For a moment, Jack was struck by the contrast between the pain of the fist and the softness he’d felt from the nails. Jack wiggled his way out of the grip and just laughed, loud and happy, because he felt a little like when they were kids and he was still in love. 

“Boys, are you fighting?” his mom demanded, sounding only a little cross. Her hands were on her hips, but Jack could see she was fighting back a smile. “Get on over here and eat, before it all gets cold. Mr. Kjellberg was just telling us about the movie you two saw last night, Felix. I can always appreciate a good murder-mystery.”

Felix just nodded along with what she was saying, and sat where he was told to. He looked a little disappointed when he saw Jack was sitting across the table and to the left. They wouldn’t even be able to knock feet under the table. Jack sent him an apologetic smile and took his place beside Ulf. Ulf frowned. “The two of you aren’t sitting together?” he asked Jack, outwardly surprised. Jack just shrugged. He couldn’t explain his parents half the time.

“So, Felix,” Jack’s dad said, heaping out a scooping helping of the shepherds pie. “How’s school been going since we last saw ye’?”

“Uh, fine?” Felix said uncertainly. “It’s, it’s just school. Got decent grades and stuff. Nothing’s too difficult. I’m gonna graduate on time, so I guess that’s all that really matters, right?” Felix shrugged. He obviously didn’t know what to say. He had always been worse at the parent-interrogation than Jack, and now out of practice. “I’m getting through it, I guess.”

Jack’s dad nodded, and his mom had a mischievous look in her eyes. “Got a girlfriend?” she asked, and okay, Jack had hoped to at least get through half of dinner before having to deal with this, but jesus christ, apparently the world had other fucking plans. Jack was happy he hadn’t started eating yet, otherwise he would’ve choked on his own fork. 

Ulf, to Jack’s right, looked oddly unperturbed. He just looked down at his plate of meat and potatoes , eating peacefully. Jack had expected him to be pissed when he found out Jack was treating Felix like some dirty little secret. Normally, Ulf would’ve never let that sort of thing stand.

“Uh,” Felix said, obviously stalling. He didn’t dare look at Jack. “I mean, n-no, no? I guess not.” That wasn’t really a lie. 

“You guess?” his mother asked. “That means you have your eye on someone! Oh my goodness, what’s she like? She has to know what she’s missing out on. How do you know her?” She was leaning eagerly across the table. “Is it anyone we know? I can remember quite a few young ladies all wanting to date you. Is it one of them?”

Felix was floundering. His cheeks were bright red, and Jack knew he would be handling this so much better if he could just tell the truth. But a mother was eagerly searching for information from Felix with an excited smile, and Felix hadn’t had a mother in two years. Jack couldn’t imagine how torn apart he had to feel.

“He’s got a boyfriend,” Jack said, needing to take his stand with Felix. 

His mother didn’t look for surprised. “Well, that’s just fine then,” she said, glancing to Jack for only a moment. “God knows we don’t look down on men for being gay and the like. It’d be pretty wrong of us, wouldn’t it? Considering who our son is.” Her smiled continued. “Who is he? What’s he like? Is he a friend of Seán’s?”

Jack swallowed hard, ready to bite the bullet. “It’s me.” Both of his parents looked to him. “I-I’m dating Felix.” Jack looked across the table, blue meeting blue. There was something desperate in Felix’s eyes, but Jack couldn’t tell if he wanted Jack to keep the secret, or wanted him to continue to stand beside him. “It ain’t anything crazy, yet, a-and we’re working through our own stuff, but we’re exclusive. And it’s…” Jack just kept staring into Felix’s eyes, drawing courage from him. “It’s good,” he said with an air of finality. “It’s perfect.” He looked to his parents. “I’m dating Felix.”

Jack’s dad ate a forkful of beef and corn. “I could’ve told ye’ that.” 

“Really, sweetie,” his mom said, her smile still so fucking bright. “You think we haven’t noticed? Darling, that boy is climbing into your room nine times out of ten. I gotta tell ya, it ain’t your best kept secret.”

Jack gaped at them both. “What?”

“I’m your mother!” she cried out, laughing now. “You think I wouldn’t know who my boy is hanging around with the most? It’s so obvious, sweetie.”

“We’re happy for ye’ both,” his dad added, still fucking eating. “It wasn’t like we left cause of a falling out between the two of ye’. What ye’ had, friends and beyond, was good. It was good for ye’ both. We’re glad you were able to pick back up where ye’ left off.”

“We just wanted to make sure that Felix knows we support you both,” his mother said. “Because we know you know, Seán. We just wanted to make sure he knew, too.” Now the dining placements made sense. Putting Felix between the two parents was like sitting on each side of your own child. It was acceptance. Felix put down his fork, and Jack could see his hands were shaking with the weight of the realization he had come to at the same time as Jack. Jack couldn’t help but smile at him. This wasn’t anything but a good thing. 

“Such a silly thing,” his mother said, shaking her head. “Like we’d ever be upset with you for something like this, Seán. What on earth were you thinking?”

“I was thinking that moving across the world is expensive and I made ye’ do it twice?” Jack said with a snort. “And that maybe I’d been stupid in the first place?” He gestured to Felix. “It ain’t his fault, I’ll give ye’ that, but that doesn’t mean ye’ can’t say he had somethin’ to do with it. I didn’t want to make ye’ mad.”

“By jesus, Seán, you’re as dumb as they come,” his father said fondly. 

“It ain’t like your father and I haven’t been calling this since day one,” his mother sighed. “You were obsessed with that boy since the day you met.” Jack’s ears went red and he looked to Felix, now begging for Felix to save him. But the other boy just snickered and listened to Jack’s parents go on and on with embarrassing tales of how Jack would pretend that hanging out with Felix wasn’t the best part of his young life. Even Ulf was smiling as he ate. Jack hung his head and wished he could disappear. This was simultaneously worse and better than he could have hoped for. 

“Sorry, sweetie, can’t ever let you down for this one,” his mother laughed. 

The rest of the dinner was entirely uneventful. His parents had known Felix for so long that there was no reason to dog him on his intentions or whatever lame trope parents stuck to when meeting the significant other of their child. Sometimes Jack got the inkling that Felix was more their son than Jack was. And by the end of dinner, Ulf was sharing his own humiliating stories of Felix and Jack and their apparently ageless infatuation with one another. Ulf said that more poetic people would claim that Felix and Jack’s relationship was written in the stars. 

The Kjellbergs left late, but it was still too early for Jack. Ulf’s flight left tomorrow night, so Jack would have to spend Sunday all on his own. He planned on hitting Mark up and getting Ethan to let him finally play Breath of the Wild on that stupid Switch, but the day still seemed like a lonely prospect without Felix.

As Ulf and Jack’s parents said their own goodbyes down the lawn, Felix stood by Jack on the porch, watching the adults. “It’s funny,” Felix said. “They haven’t seen each other longer than we had, and yet they totally hit it off immediately. Not like some asshole I know, who left me standing in in the middle of the hall with my thumb up my ass.”

“Fuck you, I was experiencing inner turmoil,” Jack huffed. “Ye’ve no idea what it was like t’ see ye’ again. Out of nowhere, in the middle of school.” He shook his head. “Ye’ barely looked human, Felix. you were like some weird fairy princess to me. Way too fuckin’ pretty.”

Felix smiled a bit. “Pretty sure my heart was going to just jump out of my throat right then and there,” he told Jack. “I was happy, though. Even when you ran away. So fucking happy.” Felix sighed, then the sigh turned into a yawn. “Fuck, I’m beat,” he said. “Think we can trust them to break it up whenever?”

“You’re leaving me already?” Jack asked with an exaggerated pout. Felix seemed to melt.

“No, no, wait, hey,” he whined, sounding mostly upset with himself. “I didn’t mean that, I just, n-no…” 

Jack laughed and hit his shoulder. “Get some rest, Fe’,” he said, grinning at him. “Text me if ye’ want, but definitely expect me over once Ulf’s gone. I’ve been missing my precious Swedish meatball.”

“You know I’ve missed you, right?” Felix asked.

“Don’t even have t’ ask,” Jack assured him. “I’m happy ye’ve got yer dad.”

Felix glanced to the parents, then further down the street. “I’m not a fucking tease,” he told Jack before leaning in to press their lips together. Everything slotted into place in Jack’s chest. He reached up and held onto Felix’s neck, content to remain with him like this forever. Felix’s hands rested on his hips as they kissed slowly, feeling one another out. They hadn’t done anything since Felix’s bedroom. It still felt new.

There was a loud whistle from down the lawn, and Jack broke away with a flush to see his dad throwing a thumbs up in their direction. His mother smacked his dad’s hand down, and Ulf had an easy grin on his face, waving when he made eye contact with Jack. Jack looked up to Felix, wondering if he’d be upset, but Felix just looked peacefully content. “At least we’ve got them on our side,” Felix told him, leaning down to place one last peck to Jack’s cheek. “I swear I’m not a tease.”

“Whenever you’re ready, Fe’,” Jack murmured softly. “Totally platonic boyfriends.”

“Just wait till you see how many boxes I’ve already ticked off.” Felix grinned and kissed Jack’s cheek before pulling away. “I’ll see you tomorrow!”

“I fuckin’ better!” Jack threatened vaguely. 

He watched Felix cross the grass, reluctant to let his glimpses be the last. But that couldn’t be the case. He’d be seeing Felix again tomorrow night, and they’d finally get some alone time. Maybe it wouldn’t be under the best circumstances, but Jack was confident that Felix finally believed he wasn’t alone anymore. 

Jack turned and ducked back into his own house with a face-splitting grin. Maybe he’d hit Mark up for other reasons— like a romantically cheesy date that he knew Mark would have fun with. Mark loved doing shit like that, and it’d be a nice break for all of them. With his mind made up, Jack took a quick shower, shot Mark and text, and went to bed, anticipating the next day with genuine enthusiasm.


	25. Don't Do This to Yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **warning: this chapter features an instance of self harm and heavily discusses the topic throughout its entirety. if you find yourself unable to read this, please let me know in the comments. i will be happy to concisely and delicately summarize the chapter so you won't miss any key plot points.**
> 
> **if you need someone to talk to and feel like you're alone, you can reach me at my[trumblr](http://wellthisisprettyrisque.tumblr.com) if you want. i've been there, and i'm not really out of it yet, so i'm happy to listen. if not me, then someone else. i strongly encourage anyone struggling with this to reach out to someone you trust. **
> 
> **please stay safe and treat yourself right.**
> 
> i do just wanna say that the way i wanted to handle this chapter was to give what i felt like felix needed to hear rather than wanted to hear. i believe there is a huge difference in those two approaches and i wanted to make it clear that, while i know that sometimes people need to be told what they want, in a situation like this, when your health and safety is on the line, sometimes you need to be told things you don't necessarily want, but definitely need. god knows that i wish i'd been told something different. 
> 
> i hope i don't offend anyone with how i handled this concept. it's a messy thing and has several different (entirely valid) vantage and viewpoints out there. this is just one of many.

Jack was brimming with excitement as he crossed his front lawn into Felix’s, ready to snatch his amazingly platonic boyfriend away from his newly-emptied house and into the warmth of his own. Dinner was waiting at the table, Mark and Tyler both dressed to the nines, ready to play goofy roles in an overly-romantic dinner. There were candles and a rotisserie chicken Jack had bought from the grocery store and his dad’s old vinyl player. His parents had left for the evening, giving Jack sly winks and teasing grins all the way out the door. Now, Jack was across the lawn, wearing a nice dress shirt and a stupid smile. He knew Felix was home because he’d seen the truck pull in and watched Felix check his mail. He was ready to cheer Felix up.

It had to be hard saying goodbye to his father again after what had to be an amazing week. Jack had the utmost confidence in the progress Felix had made this past week or so since the dance, and he knew that Felix was strong enough to get through this on his own, but Jack still wanted to re-solidify that he was gonna be there for his amazing platonic boyfriend, through thick and thin. 

Jack knocked on the front door and waited with the dumbest fucking grin. He knew he probably looked like an idiot, especially when he started to second guess himself and look around for any flowers he could pick to give to Felix. He knew he wasn’t really supposed to treat Felix like a girl, and Felix didn’t really care for flowers, but he felt like they’d really complete the whole “cheesy date” vibe he was going for. There were no flowers to be found, though, so Jack sighed and resigned himself to greet Felix empty handed. Jack knocked on the front door again. Then glanced down to make sure that yes, it was actually Felix’s truck in the driveway. Felix wasn’t answering. 

Jack frowned and ducked away from the porch, looking upstairs. Felix’s bedroom light wasn’t on, but the bathroom light was. He was probably in the shower. Jack grinned even wider, a plan formulating. The plan was only solidified when he saw Felix’s window was cracked open. He’d climbed the side of the house before. No reason not to do it a second time. Jack wiped his hands on the legs of his pants and decided that he’d get to the top, even if he was in skinny jeans. 

Jack scaled the side as well as he’d done the first time, working the toes of his feet into any footholds he could find. He reminded himself that he wouldn’t be able to do this ever again, probably, once the cold really settled in and the entire house froze over. Jack made it to the window with only one major slip that didn’t cost him anything except some bruised knees. He held on tight to the wooden ledge of the window and pushed it open, falling clumsily into the room on his own. He laughed as he hit the floor, knowing that Felix had always made going through windows look a lot easier than it really was. Felix was apparently a lot more graceful when he wasn’t trying to be.

Jack looked around the dark bedroom, barely illuminated by the barest light coming from underneath the closed bathroom door. He didn’t see anything off about the room, and he could hear the shower running. Jack stood from the floor and straightened his shirt. He planned to lounge on the bed, looking sexy in a goofy way, and surprise Felix when he came out. He could imagine the way Felix would jump. He’d always been so easy to scare. Jack kept fucking grinning as he turned to the bed to lie across it like Rose asking to be drawn like a French girl. 

He paused, though, when he saw some paper and a very official looking envelope lying atop the covers. Jack frowned and didn’t think twice about the breach of Felix’s privacy as he lifted the letter and squinted to read it in the dark. 

It was entirely in Swedish. No harm to Felix’s privacy, then, because it wasn’t like Jack would be able to understand a word of it. The script was loopy and obviously feminine. It was titled with Felix’s name and then just that regular jumble of fucking Swedish that Jack was honestly a little more used to than he wanted to be. He shrugged to himself and went to set the letter down, until his eyes happened to catch whose name was signed at the bottom. 

Lotta Johanna. 

Jack’s hands basically seized and he crushed the side of the letter in his grip. 

That was Felix’s fucking bitch of a mother. Lotta Johanna, the biggest fucking cunt Jack knew at this point. The woman who had outright abandoned Felix apparently had the fucking gall to write her son, who she had tossed to the fucking side, and write it in such elegant script, signing off with “love.” The word _älskar_ burned in Jack’s retina’s. He never really thought he could hate someone as much as this woman. 

He needed to know what the rest of the letter said. Worry tugged at the back of his neck. Felix had already had to see his father off today, and now this fucking bitch had written him. Felix hadn’t had this letter yesterday, and Ulf wouldn’t have left if he’d known about it before tonight. Fuck, the worry was a full blown itch now. Jack grimaced, knowing that he had a lot more on his plate than he’d thought he would. Hopefully Felix would still be up to having this goofy dinner and then maybe sleep in Jack’s bed tonight. They would talk it out if they had to tomorrow. Right now, Jack needed to concern himself with getting Felix away from this letter and into a warmer place among friends.

Jack let the letter fall from his fingers with the most disdain he could put into such an apathetic action. He wasn’t about to give that witch any more thought than she deserved. 

Jack turned to the bathroom and tugged at his shirt again, readying himself. He was going to burst in there and demand Felix not spend the night alone. He would get Felix to smile if it killed him. This sort of bullshit would only bring Felix down if they let it. Jack knew he’d just have to get Felix to his house, to people who cared about him, get him some good food, and cuddle the fuck out of him. The shower was still running. Jack had a plan and nothing would keep him from it.

He opened the bathroom door, letting the steam hit him in the face, and opened his mouth to call out to Felix as his vision cleared. But he stopped when he saw Felix wasn’t in the running shower.

He was hunched over the bathroom counter.

He was staring into the sink that was running red. 

His shirt was off and Jack could finally see a part of his hips he’d never been allowed to see before.

Ken’s horrible voice swam in his head as he tried to understand what he was seeing. The criss-cross of red and pink and white, new, young, and old— they burned into Jack’s mind worse than Lotta’s name. Jack had suspected, he’d been pushed to this direction, but…

How could he have missed something like this?

For a moment, all Jack felt was a sense of complete failure. Ken, a fucking piece of shit like _Ken_ , had known about this long before Jack had. Being away for two years was no fucking excuse, he had no reason to have been so negligent to this part of Felix’s psyche. _“Everyone’s thought of it at least once,”_ Mark had told him, but god. 

Not Felix.

That was all Jack could think right not.

Not Felix. Anyone but him. 

Jack turned around. He quietly shut the door. He sat down on Felix’s bed and stared at the bathroom door. The letter lied on the duvet beside him. He didn’t know what to do. He could look online, maybe ask around for help, but that felt almost cheap. He was already too much of a shitty friend to even notice something like this happening on his own. He wondered if Brad knew. If this would just be one more thing to hold over Jack’s head. He wondered if Michael knew. He wondered if Michael even had the emotional capacity to care if he did. 

Jack hung his head between his hands. “Felix!” he called out as calmly as he could, alerting Felix to his presence. He heard some sort of fumble, and a clatter. A cold feeling of sickness washed over him as he pictured Felix dropping a razor. 

“I, I’ll be out in a minute!” 

Jack didn’t know what to do. 

After a moment, Felix stepped out of the bathroom with damp hair and a sheepish expression. He faltered in the doorway when he saw Jack, then glanced to Jack’s right, to the letter. Felix bit his lower lip, then looked back to Jack. “Everything, uh… I mean, are you okay?” He stood in the doorway, backlit by that yellow light of the bathroom. Jack could only see the red, though. He looked to Felix’s hands and saw the tiniest bit of blood still clinging to Felix’s fingernails. Felix was wearing a black shirt, though. Smart. “You don’t look okay,” Felix said, twisting his fingers together.

Jack stared at him with this ache in his chest that he wasn’t sure would ever go away now that he’d seen those scars. The knowledge of what had lied beneath Felix’s clothes, beyond the mark on his chest, beyond the eating disorder. It was like nothing could ever be good for Felix. Jack couldn’t blame Felix for choosing to hurt himself like this. Not yet. 

“Jack?” Felix said, trying to pull Jack out of his thoughts. Jack shook his head, at a loss for words. Instead, he opened up his arms and beckoned Felix closer. Felix visibly hesitated. He was probably very worried about the way Jack was acting. Still, he came forward anyways. When he was within arm length, Jack took Felix by the hands and pulled him to the bed. Jack wrapped his arms around Felix’s upper thighs, careful not to press against the cuts he now knew were there. Jack pressed his face into Felix’s abdomen, outright clinging to the other boy.

“Jack?” Felix said a little shakily. There were long, graceful fingers running through Jack’s hair now. He would’ve relaxed if he could. Felix didn’t even smell like soap. He’d probably faked the shower so Jack wouldn’t have wondered why he’d left the water running. Did Felix need the noise? Did he need to hear something other than silence when he was mutilating himself?

Jack shuddered, and he knew Felix felt it with the way he tensed in Jack’s arms. “Something’s wrong,” Felix said, sounding almost scared now. “Did you… did something happen? You have to tell me if—”

“Like ye’ve always told me?” Jack asked, breaking his silence. 

“Like I… what?’

Jack pressed even closer, burrowing his face into Felix’s body. He then slowly lifted his hands up Felix’s thighs to his hips. He slipped his fingertips underneath the hem of the sweatpants Felix was wearing. Felix tried to pull away, to stop him from finding what was hidden beneath, but Jack held fast. He felt warmth and wetness, slick and not at all like water. For a moment, the room was quiet.

Then, a broken _“Seán.”_ The name destroyed him.

“Ye’ could’ve told me,” Jack murmured. “You can tell me anything, Felix.” He slipped his fingers out from under the waist band and felt sick at the smear of red he saw across the whorls of his prints. “I would’ve helped ye’.” A useless argument. He knew Felix. He knew why he didn’t tell Jack. “I can’t… Can’t believe ye’d do this to yerself. I can’t believe ye’d let yerself sink this low and not even come ta’ me. Can’t believe I didn’t see it.”

“It’s not your fault,” Felix whispered. His tone was strangled. He was crying. Shaking, too, shaking like a fucking leaf. “When, when did you find out?”

“Fucking Ken,” Jack bit out, hating the sound of his name. “And… I saw ye’. Just now.” Jack shook his head in Felix’s stomach. He didn’t want what he saw to be true, but it wasn’t like he could just fall into a state of denial. Felix deserved better than that. “There’s still blood on yer fingers, Felix.” He felt Felix’s arms jerk, and knew he was checking to see if it was true. “I need ye’ t’ tell me the truth from here on out,” Jack said. “I’m not… I don’t know if I can do this tonight.” He had a feeling Felix was in too dark of a place as well. “Are you… Have ye’ just been faking it? This whole time?”

Jack finally pulled back to stare up at Felix. He felt wretched. “Have ye’ been happy at all?”

Felix looked horrified. The stress of his secret being found out had to be killing him. Jack gently pushed his fingers up above the cuts and let them rest just below Felix’s ribs. He squeezed gently, not to hurt, but to reassure. His heart was twisting in agony right now, but he wasn’t upset with Felix. How could he be? After everything Felix had been through, how could he be surprised that Ken had been telling him the truth? Maybe Jack didn’t know what _to_ do, but he definitely knew what he _shouldn’t_ do. 

“Come home with me,” Jack asked after Felix went too long without an answer. “Please. I-I have dinner made. Mark and Tyler are both dressed up. We, we wanted to make tonight good for ye’. After yer father left.” Jack watched Felix’s eyes move to the letter again. “Felix?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Felix mumbled. 

“We don’t have t’,” Jack said, shaking his head, still looking up at the there boy. His grip on Felix’s waist tightened. He felt like letting go would only be giving Felix the chance to run away. “But please, Fe’, y-ye’ have to know that I don’t think any less of ye’ for this, yeah? I don’t think you’re any less.”

“It’s ugly, Jack,” Felix told him with a hardness in his eyes. “Everyone knows it is.”

“Maybe it ain’t right,” Jack agreed carefully. “But that doesn’t mean that you’re any less deserving of love.”

Felix looked away sharply, tears brimming in his eyes again. “I said I don’t want to talk about this.”

“That’s fine,” Jack said. He was desperate now. “That’s totally okay, just come home with me, yeah? We don’t have ta’ do the dinner. We don’t have to do anything. But I…” Jack gave in and rested his forehead against Felix’s stomach again. “I saw the letter, Fe’. And while I can’t read that shit, I know yer mother’s name well enough.”

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Felix choked. Jack nodded.

“Come home,” he pleaded, refusing to keep the emotion out of his voice. If Felix knew what he was doing to Jack, then he’d listen. “Come with me. Stop doing this to yerself and let me take care of ye’.”

“I’ve already tried to quit, and look what fucking happened,” Felix bit out. “What makes you think it’ll be any different?”

Jack shook his head. He didn’t know what to do. “Just come home,” he begged. 

“And do what?” Felix asked harshly. “Play house? Pretend everything’s okay? Just turn a blind eye to the shit that’s actually happening and ignore everything else? That’s fucking irresponsible, Jack, and impossible. I can’t just pretend none of this shit happened. I can’t pretend my mother said this shit.”

Jack held on even tighter. “I love you,” he said weakly, knowing he could do nothing else. Felix flinched.

“Fuck you,” Felix said almost cruelly. “Fuck you for thinking you can fix everything with three magic fucking words. This isn’t a fucking fairytale, Jack, this is my life, my disaster of a fucking life. Every time I start to get back on my feet, every time I start to think things could get better, I just get thrown under the current again! I can’t have anything good in this fucking shithole of a life!”

“I love you,” Jack said again, beginning to shake as badly as Felix had.

“Stop saying that!” Felix shouted, losing his control in the face of whatever was tearing him apart now. “Stop saying that like it’ll just make everything okay! I’m a fucking disaster, Jack, how the fuck can you just sit there and pretend that everything will be okay?” Felix pulled himself violently from Jack’s arms, tearing at his hair as he started stumbling back to the bathroom. 

“You don’t fucking know what it’s like,” Felix said, the barest of sobs making his voice cut out at the end. “To keep feeling this hope only to have it thrown into the fucking gutter. Every time something good happens, every time I think it could get better, I get this horrible feeling of, of _optimism._ I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe, it’ll finally get better, and it’ll stay that way for good. But every time, every fucking time, I’m wrong, and every time, it hurts more and more to realize that.” Felix pulled so hard at his hair that his head turned into his own harsh grip. “I can’t keep fucking doing this,” Felix whimpered. “I can’t keep lying to myself.”

Jack watched him helplessly. “I love you.”

“Fuck you!” Felix exploded, thrusting his hand out and hitting his bedroom wall. They both jumped in shock when his fist when through the plaster, a hole caving in with a flurry of white. Felix yanked his hand back to his chest, and cradled it. Jack watched with wide eyes as Felix’s knuckles began to bleed. 

On top of everything else, now this. 

“I can’t catch a fucking break,” Felix cried. Tears were running down his face now. Jack didn’t know what to do. “I just want it to stop, Seán,” he said. “I just want it all to stop.”

Jack took in a shaky breath and stood, approaching Felix cautiously. “I love you.”

“Fuck,” Felix wheezed. Then, “I-I know.” He was saying it like it pained him to admit. Jack was sure it really did at this point. He didn’t know exactly how many times Felix had been let down by this fucked up world, but he knew that he didn’t have any right to be upset with the apprehension Felix felt in just admitting to happiness. 

“Just come home,” Jack repeated softly. 

Felix was silent for a long moment. He was still too far away for Jack, a few feet standing between them. Felix reached up to his hair again. The blood on his knuckles stained the bleached strands. Jack felt a little ill seeing it, but he knew Felix had to be worse off. Jack carefully cross those last few feet and took the messed up hand in his own. He looked down at Felix’s split skin and winced in sympathy. “Does it sting?” he asked, surveying the damage the best he could. “Fuck, did ye’ break them?”

“Why are you even here?” Felix asked.

“I told ye’,” Jack said, turning Felix’s hand over so he could look for any bruises. “I came t’ get you for dinner. I was worried ye’d be down in the dumps, since yer father had ta’ leave and all.” Jack grimaced. “Guess I should’ve been a little more tactful. Should’ve talked to ye’ first.”

“What would that have done?” Felix asked. “Did you not want to see this? Do you wish you hadn’t ever found out?”

Jack couldn’t look Felix in the eye. “Maybe,” he confessed after a moment. “But not like that. I wish I wouldn’t have found out only in the sense that I wished there was nothin’ to discover.” He let Felix’s hand drop. “If ye’ don’t want to talk about it, we need to stop now,” he warned Felix. “Because once we really start this conversation, I will never let it go. Not till it’s finished. Not till you’re safe.”

“Safe from what?” Felix asked. “From myself?”

“From whatever’s making ye’ feel like ye’ have to hurt yerself to cope.”

Felix wilted under Jack’s soft tone. He nursed his bleeding knuckles again, then ducked his head, looking almost ashamed with himself. “Can, can you get me a jacket?” he asked with a sniffle. God, he was crying again. Jack hated the sound. “We can still go do your dinner thing if you want to. But if I’ve messed up anything, just, please, let me know.”

“Ye’ haven’t messed with anything,”Jack assured him as he went to the closet and pulled out an ugly orange jacket that he knew Felix would somehow manage to make look good. Felix could make the worst of things beautiful, but Jack refused to romanticize the cuts on Felix’s hips. “Come eat something, Fe’,” Jack said, holding out the jacket. “Just forget it all, yeah? I know ye’ hate turning your back on things, but ye’ve got ta’ understand that it’s all I can offer right now. That, and my love.” It felt cheesy, and it made his ears burn, but the words affected Felix visibly. The tears flowed even harder, yet he didn’t look upset. He was watching Jack like he couldn’t believe he was still there.

“Fuck you,” Felix said, but he didn’t sound nearly as vindictive as he had before. “Stop, please. Fuck, do you even understand what I was doing? It’s fucked up, Seán, you can’t act like this.”

“Why not?” Jack asked, more than a little confused. “It’s what ye’ need, yeah? To know you’re loved.”

“Maybe it is, but that doesn’t mean I _deserve_ it.” Felix pulled the jacket on, then glanced down. “Hope I don’t get any stains on this.” The nonchalance in Felix’s voice made Jack shudder.

“Should we do anything for them?” he asked, his throat tight. When Felix looked up at him in question, Jack forced himself to clarify. “The, the cuts. They’re still open and shite. We need to clean them, right? Maybe bandage them? And yer hand. You’ve got antiseptic around here somewhere, I-I think it’d be best to clean them now as opposed to later on.”

Felix made a face, then cut his eyes away guiltily. “I, I don’t take care of them. After I make them.”

Jack squeezed his hands into fists, digging his nails into the flesh of his palms as hard as he could to try and ground himself. Felix chose to just let the wounds fester. How could Jack have expected any differently? “Love you,” he mumbled, unable to say anything else. The useless repetition was all he could manage. If he could just nail the fact into Felix’s brain, maybe he’d never feel like he needed to do something like this ever again. “And your hand?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Felix said. “I’ll just wash it at your place.”

Jack nodded, not trusting his voice for much more. “Ready?”

Felix took in a shaky breath and nodded. “Let me know if I bleed through.” Jack wanted to vomit again. Instead, he reached out for Felix’s hand. Felix’s blood from the torn skin was a little sticky, and it felt a little familiar. A memory flooded back into Jack’s conscious and he found himself smiling regardless of it all, the memory bittersweet.

“It’s sick,” Jack said. “But the last time I felt yer blood was the time ye’ scraped yer hands open on the limestone in the quarry. We were so scared ye’d get lyme disease cause we didn’t know what the fuck lyme disease actually was. So we ran back to the Moody’s and we were both crying so hard.” Jack shook his head at how stupid they’d been. “Thought ye were gonna die.”

“Don’t you remember the best part?” Felix met Jack’s bittersweet smile with his own. “You had the insane idea to offer to cut yourself on the rocks too. So I wouldn’t have to die alone. That was what I’d been scared of most during all of that dumb shit. I’d kept crying about not wanting to die alone, and you… You weren’t gonna let me.” Felix looked down to where they were holding hands. It was a morbid picture with the blood between their entwined fingers. Jack was sure some vain photographer would’ve loved to snap a picture. “I’m fucked up, Jack,” he said. “You were the best at making me crazy seem normal.”

Jack squeezed his hand. “Ye’ ready?” he asked, feeling like he didn’t need to respond. Felix had always made Jack’s own brand of crazy seem like normalcy too. It was what made them so perfect for one another. Nothing better than meeting your crazy with another. 

Felix silently pulled Jack out of the bedroom and down the stairs. Their silence was solemn, as Jack couldn’t think beyond what lied beneath that black shirt Felix was wearing. They walked across the lawn, and when Mark opened the front door with a dramatic gesture, the look on their faces had to have said enough. All of the grandiose died from Mark’s face. “Oh no,” Mark said. “What happened?”

“Did something happen?” Came Tyler’s voice from further inside the house. “What took him so long?”

Jack opened his mouth, ready to lie or at least bend the truth, but Felix beat him to it with a blunt, “Jack caught me cutting myself.”

God, Jack had never seen Mark lose color in his face so quickly. Mark’s hand fumbled on the door, and he looked between Felix and Jack like he didn’t know what to do. Join the club, Mark. “I-I,” Mark stuttered, to no avail.

“Jesus, Felix,” Jack muttered, wishing he could admonish him for putting this on Mark like a rock to the skull.

“What?” Felix shrugged, his face deceptively blank. “You were going to tell him eventually. You tell Mark everything. I would rather have it come from me than anyone else. It’s my mistake. I’m the one who should say it.”

“Do what ye’ need, but don’t do Mark like that.” Jack kept his hand in Felix’s, but stepped forward to reach out to Mark. The poor guy looked like he was about to fall down. “It’s okay, Mark.”

“I didn’t mean anything,” Mark said, lost. “Fuck. I knew the rumors. Amy even told me she saw something. _But god,_ Felix, why?” Mark moved past Jack to pull Felix into the hug Jack honestly should’ve given Felix back in the bathroom. He imagined the scene as he wished it had happened. Opening that door, letting the steam hit his face. When he saw the scars, he should have reached out as Mark was doing know and wrapped his arms around Felix’s torso, just holding him. Then Felix would have never been given any doubt as to where Jack would stand through all of this— at Felix’s side, like he always would. “Let’s get you inside,” Mark said, pulling away from a stiff Felix after a long embrace. “You’re both cold. Get inside.”

Tyler was standing in the foyer with a hard expression as Mark pulled them in. He’d obviously overheard. One look down Felix showed Tyler what he needed to know. “I’ll get some bandaids,” he said. “You got anything in your house for infections, Jack?”

“Bathroom,” Jack replied aimlessly as Mark ushered them both into Jack’s living room and onto the couch. Felix sat down and didn’t look at anyone. Jack still hadn’t let go of his hand. 

“This is just between us,” Felix said. “You three. That’s it.”

“Does Michael know?” Mark asked. 

Felix shook his head. “He was suspicious for a while. So was Brad. But after everything with Michael and his neighbor, they stopped focusing on me so much. I don’t really blame them. There were more important things to worry about.”

Mark didn’t respond to that. Tyler came back with the crummy first aid kit Jack’s parents kept in the shared bathroom. Tyler sat down in front of Felix on the floor and held out his hand. “Your hand, dude,” he said when Felix looked confused. “You fucked that thing to hell and back. What did you do, fight a bear?”

“Punched a hole in my wall.”

Tyler snorted and shook his head. “And I thought I had issues.” Jack and Felix had to separate hands. Tyler took Felix’s reluctantly offered hand and cleaned it with alcohol. Felix hissed and tried to pull away, but Tyler held tight. Jack was thankful for his levelheaded friends. “I still want dinner after this,” Tyler said matter-of-factly. “We put a shit ton of effort into it.”

“You heard me, right?” Felix asked. “Don’t tell anyone.”

“About the wall or your horrible coping mechanisms?”

Felix swallowed hard and looked down at his knuckles. There wasn’t any bone, at least. “The second part. Maybe the first too, but I realize I’m already asking a lot.”  
Tyler hummed. “While I am flattered to be part of this amazingly exclusive club, I would like to know how the hell I got to be part of it in the first place. Mark, totally. Mark can worm his way into your heart like a parasite from a gas station egg sandwich. But me?”

“You showed up in the parking lot,” Felix explained in a low voice. “Anyone that would do that for Jack is important to me.”

Tyler snorted. “Guess it pays to be a badass.”

“Is that how this works?” Mark asked. “Just pretend everything’s normal? Pretend Felix isn’t hurting himself? We just ignore it?”

“Felix and I have already been over the fact that he can’t ignore it,” Jack mumbled.

“We don’t just pretend,” Tyler sighed as he carefully put bandaids over every single one of Felix’s torn knuckles. “There’s, like, books and shit on how to handle this, but it’s all subjective. All we’re gonna do is make sure Felix doesn’t keep doing it. Which he won’t, right?” Tyler looked up at Felix with a sharp eye. “You’re done.”

Felix didn’t answer immediately. Since Jack didn’t have a hand to hold, he put his blood-stained hand on Felix’s thigh and squeezed gently. 

“I’ll try,” Felix relented. 

“Better than nothing,” Jack said.

“You owe it to yourself,” Tyler said. “You’ve gotten through all of this shit mostly intact. Giving in to this bullshit again is just an insult to how far you’ve come.”

“That seems a little harsh,” Mark hedged from behind.

“There are two ways to handle this sort of thing,” Tyler said firmly as he placed the finishing touches to his field work. “Either we tell him what he wants to hear, or we tell him what he _needs_ to hear. And only one of these options actually gives results.” Tyler tapped Felix lightly on the wrist. “All set. Don’t go punching any more defenseless walls. You need anything to fix it up? I’ve got plaster and shit back home.”

“I think I’ll just keep it there as a reminder for how fucking stupid I am,” Felix said.

“Stupid?” Mark repeated. He rounded the couch, that same horror on his face. “Felix, you are anything but stupid,” he said firmly. “This, this isn’t a matter of weakness or intelligence. This has nothing to do with how smart you are and everything to do with what you’ve been through. Don’t belittle your trauma.” Mark talked like a pamphlet you’d find in a therapist’s waiting room. “You, you haven’t, like…” He was also falling short on words he could say. Mark looked to Jack for help. Jack shook his head. Tyler was handling this the best out of all of them.

“Can we get some of that food?” Felix asked, looking like he was uncomfortable with Mark’s short but passionate speech. “I just, I don’t want to talk about it.”

Mark couldn’t seem to let it go, though. “Do you think you deserve it?” he asked, his expression twisted with emotion. “Do you think you’ve done something wrong so you have to hurt yourself to complete the punishment? Do you think the world wants you to do this? Do you have cherophobia?”

Jack made a face. What the fuck was that?

“What the fuck is that?” Felix asked with his brow scrunched in confusion. “Cherry-what? It’s a phobia?”

“Fear of happiness,” Mark said. “But in a different way. It’s like the idea that you think you don’t deserve happiness, or that you’re afraid that the second things start get better, they’ll just turn out worse. Things can’t be good without bringing in the awful. I, I think you have that. I think you’re afraid of being happy.”

Felix’s expression became drawn. He’d said something very similar to Jack back in his bedroom. “I’m hungry,” he said in a low, controlled voice. “Can I please eat?” And fuck, how was Jack to deny him that? He’d been working hard on the eating disorder. Felix knew that Jack would do anything to keep him eating, and now he was using it against them. 

“Dinner’s at the table,” Tyler said. “Ignore the roses.”

“Fuck,” Felix said. “I’m sorry for ruining this.” He looked remorseful. “Is it cold? I can heat it up.”

“You can heat it up if you let me clean whatever you did to yourself,” Tyler compromised. Felix made a face, and it was clear that he wasn’t going to agree to that. “I’m worried about infection,” Tyler continued with a sigh. “Or if they scab up stuck to your clothes. You don’t want to reopen them.”

“This isn’t the first time I’ve done this,” Felix said before he could think better. Jack felt his whole body freeze up at an acknowledgement he already knew would have to exist. Of course Felix had done this before, he’d seen the scars. But he didn’t like hearing it said aloud. “God, just, please,” Felix said, hanging his head. “I already feel like I’ve been skinned alive for your viewing pleasure. Let me keep whatever dignity I have left.”

“This has nothing to do with your dignity.” Tyler stood anyways. “I’ll warm up the rolls. Mark, help me pour some wine. I know we had juice and shit, but I need alcohol.”

“God, yes,” Jack blurted out. He stood and pulled Felix up with him, going to the table. Mark helped Tyler pour them all three big glasses of red wine that was way more than they should drink. Mark settled with his juice, and Tyler pulled up two more chairs to the table. The romantic dinner wasn’t going to happen. They all sat in silence, drinking the wine and staring at the food none of them actually wanted now. At least the alcohol was chasing the cold from Jack’s body. And if he couldn’t stop his eyes from being drawn to Felix’s hips under the table, no one blamed him for it. 

He would have to apologize to Mark and Tyler later. God knew that this wasn’t a fun way to spend your Sunday night. They had school tomorrow. Fuck, Jack wondered if he was even going to be able to make it to school tomorrow. He could pretend to be sick. He definitely felt ill. Everyone was just so quiet and Jack felt some sort of guilt for all of this. If he’d just knocked on the front door…

Felix suddenly reached forward to grab a slice of chicken from the rotisserie. His sudden movement spurred Tyler, who started to fill up his plate. Soon, Mark did the same, then Jack. It felt deceivingly normal.

“This is so messed up,” Mark said, shaking his head. Jack could understand. He now hated the idea of acting like nothing was wrong after Felix’s ranted confession back in the bedroom, but Felix seemed to need it, at least for now. 

“What’s your silliest fear?” Tyler asked. When no one answered, he looked up at them with an impatient expression. “Random conversation starter. Mark’s obviously not gonna be able to shut up in the silence, so we gotta talk about something else. What’s the silliest fear you have?”

“I have trypophobia,” Felix said. 

“The holes thing?” Tyler grimaced. “Yeah, that’s not really what I would call silly. That stuff is nasty.”

“Oh god, did you guys see the new Evil Dead in, like, 2013?” Jack was going to jump on this chance. Anything to stop looking at Felix’s hips. “When she had the shit coming out of her skin? I almost threw up.”

“I left the theatre,” Felix said. “Just straight up bounced.”

“That was honestly a fucked up movie in general,” Tyler said. “And in the original, when she was getting fucked by the tree? It definitely seemed a lot more like sex in that movie. But in the new one, it was like freaky hentai shit and definitely not at all sexualized.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?” Felix asked. “Not sexualizing rape. Kinda… kinda a good thing.”

“I mean, yeah,” Tyler admitted with a shrug. “But I’m a stickler for sticking to your roots.” He smirked a little. “Get it? Roots?”

They continued on like they were just four ordinary teenagers having dinner together. Jack detached himself from everything except the surface of their conversation. He let himself start to feel like everything was okay, and made it through dinner, dishes, and goodbyes. The only thing that drew him back to the reality he was steadfastly ignoring was the way Mark hugged Felix just a little too tightly to be normal on his way out the door. 

Tyler left only after making sure Jack knew what each item in the first aid kit did. And before he left, and turned to Jack and said, “call me if you need me.” Jack appreciated the support, he really fucking did, but jesus christ, Felix wanted to ignore this, right? So Jack was going to ignore it.

Felix stood at the foot of the stairs, arms wrapped around his middle, uncomfortable. Jack looked to him and couldn’t think of anything to say.

“I’m not going to school tomorrow,” Felix said after their moment of silence. “I just. I can’t. Michael will be fine with Tyler and Ethan so it’s not like I’m needed or anything. I can get my dad to call the school. I just. Cannot. I can’t do it.”

Jack nodded. “I don’t feel much up to it either.”

Felix looked to him and bit his lip. “… Wanna hang out with me?”

“What will we do?”

Felix shrugged. “Dunno. But it’s better than being there. Wearing a fake face. Pretending.”

Jack hesitated. “… Ye’ seem t’ be pretending now, regardless.”

“I won’t be able to keep it up for much longer,” Felix told him. “Trust me. I’m gonna be disturbed any minute now. Like, I’ll definitely be crying myself to sleep tonight.”

“You’re staying here, right?”

Felix looked surprised. “You want that?”

“Fuck.” Jack dropped his arms and tried to keep himself from freaking out. “Of course I do. Why, why would I ever stop? Ye’ think this would change us? Change the way I feel? I already told ye’ it wouldn’t. Do ye’ not believe me?”

Felix just shook his head. “Didn’t want to assume.”

Jack jerked his chin upwards. “Get upstairs,” he said. “If we’re gonna talk, then fine. If not, also fine. But I’m not doing it in me living or dining room. My parents could come home.”

Felix winced. “Wouldn’t want them to see our lover’s quarrel.”

“That’s not what this will be,” Jack told him. “This will not be a fight. Now get upstairs.”

Felix still didn’t move. _“Jag älskar dig.”_

“Fuck.” Jack ran a hand through his hair. “Fe’,” he said softly, approaching. He took Felix’s good hand in his own and brought it up to his lips. If Felix wanted affection and confirmation that he was wanted, then Jack could give it. He kissed the knuckles of Felix’s fingers. “I love you,” he said. “What ye’ve done ain’t gonna change that. Nothing up until this point has, and nothing ever will. Trust me. Do ye’ trust me?” He hated that he had to ask. 

“Course,” Felix said, his voice breaking at the end. “I just know you’re disappointed in me.”

“Ain’t disappointed in ye’,” Jack corrected. “Just what ye’ve done. And even if I were disappointed in you, it’s possible to love someone that’s let ye’ down. My feelings will never change.” He kissed the good knuckles again. “Get upstairs, Fe’. We’re gonna get to bed.”

“I gotta take a shower first,” Felix said. 

Jack nodded and dropped his hand. “Do what ye’ need. I’ll wait.” That was an affirmation that Felix had lied about his shower when Jack had first shown up at his house. He wouldn’t say anything.  
Felix finally went upstairs. Jack heard the bathroom door open and shut. He sighed and went up into his own room, finding clothes he thought would fit the other boy. They were similar sizes, but Jack had wider hips, and he didn’t want to give Felix pants that would just keep falling down. But he also needed to find sleep pants that wouldn’t rub the cuts. And he’d probably need to get a dark, soft shirt to avoid bloodstains and rubbing the cuts as well. Fuck, did Felix sleep nude after cutting? Did he have to change the dressings? Jack looked to his bed. His sheets were a deep blue. They’d show bloodstains like black text. 

Jack sat on the bed, slumped in defeat. He didn’t know what to do. That was a summary of his entire night. Dinner had been a firm state of denial and Tyler had had more control over the situation than Jack ever could’ve. Felix needed someone better than him. He needed someone that could handle the problems. Someone with a decent fucking head on their shoulders who didn’t crumble under the pressure. Jack felt like his mind was going to collapse. He wondered how much worse Felix had to feel.

Suddenly, the idea of Felix being alone in that bathroom with various star objects didn’t sit well with him. Jack grabbed the shirt and boxer shorts he’d managed to find that fit his criteria and went to the bathroom, opening the door without asking because knocking took too long. The shower was running and Jack was gonna have flashbacks. But Felix wasn’t standing in front of the sink, and there was a shadow of movement behind the shower curtain. Jack felt relief, then hated himself for thinking the worst of Felix. Maybe Felix would hurt himself alone, but he wouldn’t do that to Jack. Not after tonight.

“Felix,” Jack said, announcing his presence. “I, uh, brought you some clothes.”

“I’m almost done,” Felix replied. “Could you just, uh. Leave them there? Maybe not look?”

Jack set the clothes on the sink, then stood there for a moment, collecting his thoughts and deciding on what he wanted to say. “If ye’ think having those scars will make ye’ any less attractive, it ain’t the truth,” he told Felix after his second of quiet. Movement in the shower stopped. Jack could only hear the running water. “Scars don’t make bodies any different. Maybe it’s sick of me to not find the ones ye’ve done to yerself as unattractive or unappealing, but I can’t change that about myself. I don’t see them as any more ugly than the one on yer chest. And ye’ already know how I feel about that one.”

Jack turned to face the curtain. Felix’s shadow was still. “Ye’ see the scars as a reminder of what’s wrong with you. I see them as a step away from it. Cause you’re not putting another damn mark on yer body, ye’ hear me? Those cuts and scars will only be a reminder of how far ye’ve come from them.”

Felix didn’t respond at first. “I’ll be out in a minute.”

Jack nodded and left the bathroom. He turned off all the lights in his room and changed out of his clothes. Jack felt at his own hips for a second and wondered what it was like for Felix to reach down and not touch smooth, untouched skin. He wondered what it would be like when he finally touched Felix.

Because Jack meant what he had said in the bathroom. Despite the scars and the cuts and the bones, Felix was still the god damn sexiest person Jack had ever seen. Porn was literally ruined for him. Nothing could amount to his boy. Jack knew that whenever they finally did cross that line, he would spend more time kissing those scars than avoiding them. There was no way in hell he would let Felix even consider for a moment that the marks kept Jack from seeing just how gorgeous Felix was. So whenever they finally did get around to the more adult side of things (if ever— Jack would be patient), he’d make sure it was clear that Felix was Felix, scars or not. 

The shower stopped. Jack waited, ears trained, listening for any sound that could suggest Felix was doing anything other than drying off or getting dressed. There was the rustle of fabric, a few moments of silence. Then the sound of a hand on the doorknob. Jack quickly threw the covers over his head and feigned sleep, or something close. Felix didn’t say anything, but Jack felt the bed dip under his weight. Felix crawled across the mattress and slipped under the bed covers without invitation. Somehow, Felix doing so of his own accord warmed Jack’s cheeks. He liked it. Jack turned over to face where Felix lied. The room was too dark for him to see anything. 

“I was going to tell you,” Felix said. “One day. After I’d fixed it.”

Jack nodded. He’d assumed as much, especially since he now knew what the “bad habit” on Felix’s list had specified. 

“I just can’t believe I got fucking caught.”

There was something like regret in Felix’s words. He was either upset he’d done something to get caught doing, or upset he’d been caught at all. Jack reached out blindly in the dark and took ahold of Felix’s upper arm. He tugged gently, and Felix moved with him. They pressed closer together in the dark. Jack pushed his other hand under Felix’s back. He held Felix in his embrace.

“I’m a mess,” Felix said for what felt like the millionth time that night. “Are you sure you want me?”

“Course I am,” Jack murmured. He threw his arm over Felix’s chest and pressed his nose into the crook of Felix’s shoulder. “Ain’t no one else in the world.”

Felix was quiet again. “… I-I almost looked up Robin.”

Jack paused. “… What?”

“I almost looked him up. I almost tried to talk to him.”

“Why on earth would ye’ do that?”

He felt Felix shrug. “I wanted to see if I was letting you down somehow. You don’t really talk about him. I was scared I’d be a worse boyfriend than the guy who didn’t even say he loved you.”

Jack had to gather his thoughts again. “Robin had his own problems,” he said. “I know ye’ think he’s this really bad guy, but I don’t really see it all as his fault. He had home issues. He didn’t like himself as much as he should’ve. It hurts ta’ know that what we had wasn’t as real as I’d thought, but I can’t blame him. We were just kids.” He paused to wet his lips. “Still are.”

He felt Felix’s body shudder with a laugh. “You keep saying that,” Felix said in a twisted voice. “Do you think that’s gonna do shit? That my brain’s suddenly gonna be reset? Like hitting undo? Delete? Do you… Do you think I need to be changed?”

“Hardly,” Jack snorted. “But I do think ye’ know ye’ need to stop.”

“Of course I do. But it isn’t that easy.”

Jack nodded and placed a kiss to the warm, damp skin. He felt Felix shudder again. “Do ye’ wanna talk about it?”

“… No.”

“Then I suggest we get some sleep.”

Felix audibly hesitated, before Jack felt him nod. “Yeah, you’re right.” Felix shifted around, sinking deeper into the mattress. Then, a wary hand came up and settled across Jack’s arm, not pushing away, but holding on. Felix pressed his side against Jack’s front and turned his head so his nose was in Jack’s hair. Only then did Felix wish him, _“godnatt.”_

A few moments later, Felix was asleep. And even though Jack had been denying himself rest habitually these last few days, he couldn’t find the exhaustion that pulled at his eyelids. Still, just before falling away, Jack slid his other hand, the one wedged beneath the Swede, and slipped it under the shorts Felix was wearing. 

Jack’s fingertips moved against uneven, slit skin. And even though the sensation tightened his chest into something close to anxiety, he couldn’t help but love the fact that it was Felix he was touching.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _hej hej monika hej på dig monika hej monika hej på dig monika_
> 
> that's been stuck in my head for literally days and i want everything to end
> 
> also this chapter is just shy of 10k so i am, once again, angry with myself and my lack of self control. and this fic is almost at 200k, which i've only ever done once before. so, applause all around. sardonic applause with more than a little self-deprecation. fuck.
> 
> i could promise you that this thing wasn't supposed to be this long, but i'd start to sound like a broken record.

Jack’s mother nudged him awake. He startled and looked up to see her wearing a concerned expression. Instinctively, Jack pulled the covers up. He didn’t know if Felix’s shirt had slipped up too far in the night and didn’t want her to see anything. A glance to Felix showed that he was still asleep and still covered. Good. 

Felix’s face was free of creases and worries. He looked peaceful. Jack reached out without thinking to tuck a strand of hair before Felix’s ear before remembering his mother was just above him. He turned to her, sheepish. “Nothing happened,” he said in a low voice, assuming she didn’t like the idea of them in bed together for more “adult” reasons. 

“That ain’t what worries me, hun,” she said. “You slept through your alarm. You’re going to miss school. Does Felix…” Her worried eye turned to the boy beside Jack in bed. “I’m just not sure what’s happening. Everything was cleaned up from last night. Did your date go okay?”

Jack nodded, quick to lie. “We’re not going to school,” he said. “I, uh. I know that’s a little screwy, but Felix and I… Have some stuff to work out.” A weak excuse. He could’ve pretended to be sick, but that wouldn’t have worked with Felix in bed beside him. “Some stuff’s happening, mum,” he admitted. “Some really bad stuff. And he needs me. I-I’ll tell ye’ when I can, just… He can’t go to school today. And I can’t let him be alone.”

His mother watched Felix for a moment longer. “For your sake, or his?”

“His,” Jack replied immediately. “His sake. I can’t leave him alone, mum. Please let me stay with him.”

She sighed. She seemed very unhappy with the idea. “Fine,” she said. “I’ll tell your father. What will the two of you be doing today?”

Jack shrugged. “Something,” he said. “Anything, really. I need to get Felix in a good place.”

She looked even more upset. “Honey, you’re not taking responsibility for him, are you? You can’t take too much on your shoulders. He’s his own person, and you’re yours. Don’t neglect your studies for this.”

Jack felt like his mother would better understand this if it was in the context of her and Jack’s father. It was easier to imagine letting everything else fall to rust in the face of helping the person you loved. Maybe she still didn’t quite see Felix as Jack’s one and only rather than just a boyfriend, but he was sure she’d understand it soon. Felix and Jack weren’t some high school romance you’d sing along to. Jack didn’t know what they really were, but he knew they weren’t as simple as that. 

“He just needs some support,” Jack said, reaching back to gently push his fingers through Felix’s hair. The hair was soft beneath his fingers. Felix curled into the touch. “I’m gonna give it to ‘im. His friends can’t do much for him right now. I’m stepping in. As a good boyfriend should.”

“Just don’t bite off more than you can chew, sweetheart,” his mother sighed. She leaned down and pressed a kiss to Jack’s forehead. “Your father and I are off to work. We’ll call the school on our way. Be safe today. Give Felix my love.” She left his room, shutting the door behind herself gently. 

Jack dropped back onto his bed with a heavy sigh. His hand was still tangled in Felix’s hair. He looked over at the other boy and felt something like grief twist in his chest. Yesterday had been draining. He felt like his bones were hollow and his head was empty. Jack felt absolutely miserable. He was happy Felix wasn’t awake, because he knew Felix would only feel worse. Jack moved closer to Felix across the mattress and studied Felix’s face. 

He never got tired of looking at him. Jack had much more important things to be worrying about, but he couldn’t keep himself from enjoying these few moments of Felix’s peace. Like this, it was as if yesterday hadn’t happened. None of the agonized shouting and long, heartbreaking silences. None of the cuts. None of the blood. Felix was just asleep. The blood had been washed from his nails and hair. He looked absolutely fine.

Jack sighed and leaned in to press a kiss to Felix’s nose. He lingered, breathing in the smell of his own shampoo in Felix’s hair. Something possessive stirred in his chest. Jack chewed on the inside of his mouth before putting his arms around Felix again and pulling the boy into his chest. He tucked Felix’s head under his chin and squeezed. Holding Felix like this slid something back into place in his heart. For a moment, he felt like he could actually help fix his habit. 

Felix groaned softly. “Seán,” he murmured, voice dragging with sleep. “ _Du känns så bra…_.” Felix snuffled sleepily and then there was a featherlight touch of lips to the hollow of Jack’s neck. “ _Jag vill inte vakna. Vill ha dig…_ ” Felix’s voice gave out in a hitch that sounded a little like pain. “Fuck,” he cursed, pulling away from Jack. Jack didn’t want to let him go, but loosened his grip all the same. Felix sat up, and Jack was about to ask him what was wrong, when he saw the sheets.

“I’m so sorry,” Felix said, his expression drawn. The blood staining through Felix’s shirt and onto Jack’s sheets was enough for Jack to know what he was apologizing about. “I thought…”

“Do they hurt?” Jack asked, deciding to ignore the blood. If Felix was bleeding, then that meant the cuts had been reopened. They had to sting at least. “Want some bandaids? I’ve got them in the bathroom. We wouldn’t want to mess up another shirt. Do ye’ need to borrow a shirt for the day?”

“Jack, don’t,” Felix said. 

“I’m not upset,” Jack said firmly. “This ain’t nothin’. Just some blood, Felix, unless ye’ wanna tell me ye’ve got some disease?” Jack tried to smile at his own bad joke. “Have I got AIDs from ye’, Felix? I don’t even get the trade off of havin’ sex for it?”

“Jack, I-I ruined your sheets.”

Jack shrugged. “Basically the same as cum stains.” Felix balked at him. “Honestly, Fe’, I’m more concerned with just takin’ care of ye’. I mean, yeah, I’ve got to wash the sheets now, but… I kinda just don’t care.” He did care. He cared that Felix had bled in his sleep from the cuts he’d given himself. It was fucking with Jack’s head. “Let’s just clean those up and then get started on the day. Me mum said I’m good to skip school.”

“You’re really gonna skip?” Felix asked him.

“Course,” Jack said with another shrug. “I’ve missed ye’ this past week.” Felix looked guilty and Jack waved him off. “It ain’t nothin’, Fe’. Yer dad was here. I’m just happy to have seen ye’ enjoy yourself.” Jack leaned in and kissed Felix’s cheek before he could chicken out. It was easier to do when Felix was asleep. “Figure out what ye’ wanna do today. Even if it’s stay inside. I’m down for it, whatever it is.” He went to get dressed, being sure to stay behind the closet door so Felix couldn’t see him. He wasn’t shy, he just felt like it wasn’t appropriate. 

“Wanna go to the quarry?”

Jack paused while pulling his shirt on over his head. Felix wanted to escape. That much was obvious. But did he also want to drown it all away? “Sure,” he said. “Get dressed. Ye’ll drive, o’ course.”

They left in under fifteen minutes after Jack insisted on Felix eating a bagel. The drive let them both exist in silence for a while. Felix didn’t turn on the radio, and Jack made no move to do so instead. He cranked the window down and let his hand freeze in the cool, November air as Felix drove. He took in the trees and the sunlight. Jack breathed in the air and winced at how cold it felt in his lungs. “Gonna snow soon,” was the only sentence he said that entire drive. Felix had only nodded in response.

The truck pulled up in front of the dark Moody house, and they paid it no mind, as Mr. Moody’s car was gone from its usual dirt spot. As they walked through the trees to the quarry, Felix reached out and caught his fingers on Jack’s. He shyly looked away when Jack looked to him, but didn’t pull back. They walked hand in hand through the woods. 

The quarry opened up before them. Jack was pleased to note that the giant hole in the ground had become a familiar sight for him once again. In the beginning, he’d almost thought he’d never return here after coming back from Ireland, out of a need to forget what he’d once had. It was nice to know he hadn’t had to let go of this place. “It’s lovely,” he murmured to Felix, squeezing his hand. “Little too cold to swim, though. Should probably stay out of the water.”

Felix pulled away from Jack and went to the edge. For a moment, Jack thought he would have to reach out and grab Felix before he could jump. But Felix’s shoulders only heaved in a sigh before the Swede sat down, his legs dangling off the ledge. Jack waited a moment before sitting beside him. Even the ground was a little too cold to be comfortable for him to sit on. He squirmed, almost wanting to sit on his hands. Anything to keep from freezing his ass off.

“Don’t fall,” Felix warned, his voice sounding far away and tired. 

“Me ass is frozen already, Fe’,” Jack said, deciding to pretending everything was okay until Felix told him it wasn’t. Felix had wanted to drive here. Felix had sat at the ledge. The ball was in his court. “I’ll lose my balls to these rocks— then what will ye’ do?”

Felix shook his head. “Plenty of men have gotten by without a missing ball or too.”

“Like Hitler?”

Felix looked to him with a horrified expression. 

Jack shrugged. “Some countries theorized he was such a fucking prick because he was missing a ball.”

“Why do you know this?”

“It may have been a _Mythbusters_ episode,” Jack admitted with a grin. “The US did a lot of the weirder shit. I’m pretty sure they tried to train pigeons or something to drop bombs. Or maybe they were the ones to try to give Hitler estrogen?” He shrugged and kicked his legs idly against the sheer cliff of the rock. “Made me laugh. Miss that show.”

“Are you trying to avoid this?”

Jack’s legs stilled and he looked down at the frigid waters so many feet below. “No,” he said. “Not at all. Just want you t’ feel like ye’ve got some control over this.”

“I have literally no control,” Felix sighed. “I’m flying blind, Jack. No one’s ever actually found out.”

“Ken did.”

“Ken knew, but didn’t give enough of a shit to do anything about it.” Felix leaned back, looking up at the sky. There were dark clouds moving in overhead, but that wasn’t anything new this time of year. “He probably put up a strong front for you, but he didn’t care.”

Jack worried his lower lip. “How’d ye’ start? If I can ask.” Maybe it wasn’t in his right to know, but Felix was talking with much more command over his emotions than he’d had yesterday. It didn’t feel like he was going to punch another hole in the wall.

“Wasn’t like I suddenly just decided I should,” Felix said. “I did it a few times when you first left, because I felt a little like I deserved it. The teacher was still screaming and I would sometimes wake up to the feeling of her hitting me. But I stopped after meeting Ken. If I was gonna start having regular sex with someone who seemed to expect me to leave the lights on, I couldn’t really just keep fucking up the skin, you know? But as he started getting so…” Felix grimaced. “Uh, demanding. When he started getting so demanding, and he started saying shit about you, I kinda just lost a little bit of control. I went back to the bad habit and after Michael I just…”

He trailed off. Jack was suddenly worried about the drop in front of them again. “I don’t know,” Felix confessed his moment. “It wasn’t something I repeated a lot. I didn’t schedule it, it wasn’t clockwork. It was just… whenever something was just a little too much for me to breathe through, I’d get somewhere private and add another cut. The pain… made me feel better.” Felix wet his lips. “Like… if I punished myself first, the world wouldn’t have to do it for me. I was being proactive.”

_“Jesus, Felix.”_

“I told you it was messed up.”

“That’s just straight fucked,” Jack said. “How can I help? Can I even help? Thinking that ye’ve got to beat the world to the punch. Make shit worse for yourself just to try and keep anything else from happening. Ye’ know the world does its shit outside of you, right? Shit’s gonna happen no matter what ye’ do. Treat yourself right, Felix, jesus. It ain’t like the world’s gonna do it, apparently.”

Felix winced. “Didn’t mean to piss you off.”

“I’m not pissed,” Jack told him with a heavy sigh. “I’m just… I mean, did me coming back just rock the boat that much?” He didn’t mean to make this about himself, but he was starting to get worried. “Am I more negative than positive? I ain’t saying that I feel like ye’ don’t care about me or whatever, I’m just worried I’ve caused you more stress than anything else.” Felix was only talking about how terrible everything had been— was Jack part of the strain on Felix’s life? Jack had been pushing for a relationship earlier than Felix was ready for, after all. Maybe Felix would be better off if Jack pulled back. 

Felix, though, look almost horrified at Jack’s suggestion. “Fuck, don’t say that about yourself,” he told Jack vehemently. “You’re, like, not even included in the equation dude.”

Jack grimaced. “Yeah, that really doesn’t help.”

“You’re not included because the second you came back into my life, nothing made sense anymore,” Felix struggled to explain. His hands went into the air, like he was grasping for the words he didn’t know. Jack sometimes wondered if Felix felt limited by being forced to use English. He felt like this would be easier for the other boy in Swedish.

“When you came back…” Felix trailed off, then tugged at his hair with one hand. He was frustrated. “When you came back, I thought everything was supposed to be okay. You’re the god damn love of my life, in the cheesiest, stupidest way possible. Everything was supposed to get fixed and I was supposed to feel like my old self again. I mean, maybe not at first. I had the idea everything should have been magically fixed when we first bumped into each other in the hallway, and then out on my lawn, but you shot that down pretty fast. After you started talking to me again, the feeling came back. But I couldn’t understand why I still felt like shit, sometimes. I tried to ignore it, I really fucking did, and as you and I got closer again, I felt like things were supposed to change inside of me. But they… They just didn’t.”

Felix shrugged. “You’re not included in the equation because you’re absolutely the best fucking thing to happen to me. Even the friends you’ve brought with you. Mark, Amy, Tyler, all the others. They’re all so fucking good and they’re part of the good you’ve brought into my life, but it isn’t making me any better. I-I’m fucked up. Sick, I think.”

“It’s depression,” Jack said. “Or something like it.” Maybe something worse.

“I don’t have time for depression.”

“Make time,” Jack said. “This could kill you.”

Felix made a noise. “I’m not… I’m not that far gone yet.”

“Cutting yourself is a step too close.”

“Tons of people are suicidal without cutting.”

Jack narrowed his eyes. “I really don’t like the way you’re talking about this.”

“What, too mundane for you?” Felix shook his head and looked down again. “It may be new to you, but this has been my life for two years. Now that you know, it’s kinda hard not to talk about it like it’s normal for me. I’m actually a little relieved to be able to open up to you, but I would really appreciate you not criticizing me or, like, belittling what I’ve gone through.”

“I ain’t belittling it, I’m asking ye’ to not talk about it like it’s breakfast.” Jack pushed Felix lightly by the shoulder, wanting Felix to know he wasn’t genuinely upset. “This is serious. Ye’ told me ye’ don’t want me to ignore it or anything, so I’ve got to treat it like it matters.” He was getting a little confused on what Felix actually wanted. “I just want ye’ t’ stop,” he said. “Just stop. Yeah?”

Felix nodded. “That was kinda the plan. Then shit happened.”

Here was Jack’s chance. “The letter from yer mum…”

Something changed in Felix’s expression, like someone had thrown a punch or twisted the air from his lungs. His eye went wide with wild panic and he looked like a cornered animal, feral and hurt and looking for a way out. But he couldn’t very well run anywhere, so Jack knew he would get an answer if he waited patiently. 

“What did she say, Felix?”

He saw something wash over Felix’s face. Resignation. Jack readied himself for the truth.

Instead, Felix launched himself off the ledge into the freezing water below.

_Fuck._

Jack jumped after him without a thought, bringing a whole new meaning to the saying: “if your friends all jumped off a cliff, would you jump too?” Jack would, apparently, jump. He had a split second to realize this before hitting the water. It felt like being stabbed all over his body. The cold pervaded every inch of his skin, clothes be damned. In his shock, he gasped for air and took in a lungful of water. Jack struggled and kicked towards the surface, trembling violently as he finally breached. 

“Fuck!” he shouted, just to get the feeling from his body. He was freezing and couldn’t see past the water in his eyes. A hand grabbed him at the back of his shirt, and Jack flailed helplessly, ready to defend himself in his panic. He struggled to keep afloat and kicked uselessly. The water was just too fucking cold, too much all at once. He suddenly felt himself slip under the water again. Fear laced through his heart.

There was a hand in his shirt again, pulling him through the water. Jack struggled, lashing out, trying to get air again. Then two more hands were in his clothes and he was being dragged out of the water, onto frozen rock. There were people pulling at his clothes and voices. Voices that weren’t Felix.

Something soft wiped at his face and Jack could suddenly see again. He wasn’t surprised to see Felix looming over him with a stricken expression, but the man and a woman were a definite surprise. 

“Which one of you boys decided it would be a good idea to jump?” the woman demanded. Jack gaped up at her. He hadn’t seen Mrs. Moody in years, and neither her husband. She barely looked a day older, and was very upset. She tutted and threw something over Jack’s shivering body— a coat. “Get inside, get inside,” she rushed, trying to pull Jack up. “Mike, pull him up, we need to get him inside.”

“Slow down, Christie,” Mr. Moody soothed. “He won’t die.”

“Jack, are you okay?” Felix asked.

“Jack?” Mrs. Moody made a face. “Now who on earth—”

“The fuck is going on,” Jack slurred, his tongue heavy with the cold.

“Language,” Mrs. Moody chided. “Get him up, Mike, and get him into the house.”

“Of course, sweetie,” Mr. Moody said, lifting Jack by the arms. “Up and at ‘em, son. Silly of you to get into that water. It’s near freezing. What were you thinking?”

“It was my fault,” Felix blurted out. How come he wasn’t as messed up by the cold as Jack was? He’d hit the water just as hard as Jack had. He’d been the one to fucking jump. For a moment, annoyance flashed through his head. Annoyance and anger. Felix had just thrown himself off to run away from the truth, like a fucking coward, and he’d taken Jack down with him. 

Wait.

That wasn’t entirely fair.

Jack had asked a question with the knowledge that Felix would have run from it if he could. Maybe Jack hadn’t intended for this to happen, and maybe he hadn’t been the one to jump, but he’d intentionally cornered Felix. It was Jack’s fault to not consider that maybe the question had jarred Felix enough to cause him to jump.

“It was my fault,” Felix said again. Jack could see it now. This fear in Felix’s face that went beyond his concern for Jack’s health. He was scared of still having to answer. Jack felt a little like shit, but seeing how badly Felix was reacting only solidified his need to get that answer regardless. Felix needed to talk about this. He just did. 

“Did you push him?” Mrs. Moody demanded. “You can’t push, people, Felix.”

“I didn’t—” Felix cut himself off. It was the only way this could be explained as his fault without having to give up some sort of truth. “I, I didn’t mean to push him.”

Mr. Moody obviously didn’t believe it. Mrs. Moody just threw her hands up. “Come to the house, the both of you,” she said. “We’ll get you boys some tea and new clothes. You’re going to freeze like that. Seán, sweetie, I’ll run a hot shower for you. You boys need to get warm and we all need to catch up.”

Mr. Moody helped Jack back to the house. It wasn’t like Jack was invalid or anything, but he was shivering so badly that his teeth were chattering. Mrs. Moody had put her arm through Felix’s, and was holding on like she wanted to keep him from running away. She spoke softly to him, smiling at him every now and again. She was clinging so tightly. Felix was looking down at the smaller woman with a punched-out expression on his face. It was like he was in a daze. That fear was still there, though. That guilt was still there. Jack wished he could reach out and put a hand on his back. Anything to provide comfort. 

Mr. Moody led Jack upstairs once they got back to the house, and everything was as Jack had remembered. All of the porcelain and blown glass decorating the walls and tables with photos of family through all the ages hanging from the wood. Jack caught a glance of himself and Felix when they were kids on a mantle. 

“You know the bathroom, of course,” Mr. Moody said pleasantly enough. “It hasn’t been that long. Of course, I would have appreciated seeing you a little sooner once you came back. Left without a word, really. Had to hear everything from poor Felix.” Mr. Moody shook his head. “Poor boy. Wasn’t the same. Haven’t seen him in almost as long as we’ve not seen you.”

“I-I-I’m sorry,” Jack said through his clattering teeth. God, he couldn’t stop shaking. He wanted to get out of his clothes. Was Felix still freezing too? Were they going to give him spare clothes or let him suffer in punishment?

Mr. Moody started the shower and stuck his hand under the tap, testing the warmth. “There we go,” he said after a moment. “Get on in, boy. I’ll grab you something to wear.”

He left Jack alone with his thoughts. Jack stripped eagerly, needing to be free of the heavy and freezing clothes. He moaned in relief once his naked skin met the heat of the house, and then the water of the shower. God, that felt so fucking good. Jack just stood under the spray and breathed, his lungs opening up again. He could live here now. Die here. It just felt so good. 

The shock of the cold finally melted from his bones, and his mind cleared. 

Everything was fine. It could arguably be much worse. Felix was willing to open up about his self harm, and Jack would get answers about Lotta soon enough. Maybe this had been a bump in the road, and maybe Felix was irrationally avoidant, but they would work around it. Jumping off a cliff wasn’t the worst Felix could have done. And they hadn’t fought. It would be fine. 

Jack finished his shower quickly and saw an old, argyle sweater on the counter with a pair of ironed trousers on the counter. Mr. Moody must have slipped in at some time without Jack noticing. He pulled on the clothes, enjoying the softness of the wool. 

For a moment, he was struck by the oddity of the situation. Mr. and Mrs. Moody hadn’t seen him in ages, and yet here they were, welcoming him back with open arms and fresh clothes. He could’ve become anyone these past two years, yet they were treating him like he was the same boy they’d watched swim in the quarry to ensure he wouldn’t drown. Jack almost felt like he didn’t deserve this immediate acceptance. He was sure Felix felt that way even more so. While Jack had done basically nothing except become a recluse, Felix had fallen into a world of vicious rumors. Mr. and Mrs. Moody could have heard anything about him. And what they could believe was even worse. After all, Felix was thin and pale. He looked like the kind of guy who had been on quite a few trips gone wrong. 

Jack hoped they didn’t think less of Felix. God knew another adult looking down on Felix’s life was the last thing he needed. Jack went downstairs and saw Felix sitting at the kitchen table with Mr. and Mrs. Moody. He was wearing a wool sweater that was similar to Jack’s, except his was a light grey to Jack’s green and brown. The grey made his eyes seem more vibrant, almost purple. It made his hair look silver. Jack took a moment at then bottom of the stairs to just look at him. He loved taking the time to look. Felix was just something otherworldly to him, and despite the pain, he was so unbelievably grateful to be able to call Felix his. 

“Come down here!” Mrs. Moody called out, having caught Jack in the act of staring with what had to be hearts in his eyes. Jack tended to get starry-eyed for Felix. It suddenly occurred to Jack that he didn’t know of the Moodys were your average elderly couple that turned their noses up at homosexuals. It wasn’t like Jack and Felix had been open about their horribly hidden gay crushes. Would they be hated if the Moodys knew? 

Jack went down the last few steps and sat in the only empty chair at the table, next to Felix. Their knees bumped underneath the table and Felix instantly slid his leg out, hooking his foot around Jack’s ankle. He was uncomfortable. He probably didn’t know if the Moodys still cared about him or not. Everything good in this world was a gamble for Felix.

“We’re so happy to see you, Seán,” Mrs. Moody said with a genial smile. “Tea’s almost ready. Are you boys hungry? Are you warm enough, Seán?”

“I’m fine,” he replied, still a little thrown off by his name. “Fe’?”

Felix didn’t answer. He stared down at the doily in front of him on the aged wood table. Jack wondered if he would jump off another cliff to escape this situation if one was close enough. “Honey, are you okay?” Mrs. Moody asked Felix. “You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

Jack frowned. “By golly, Christy, what did you say to the boy now?” Mr. Moody sighed. “Look at him, he already looks like a kicked dog. I’m sure he didn’t mean to push Seán.”

“He didn’t push me, I jumped after him,” Jack said with a sour expression, suddenly very against Felix’s feeble lie. “Sorry. We just.” He couldn’t explain. “He jumped. I jumped next. That’s all.”

Mrs. Moody didn’t look any happier at that. “What devil possessed you to make you jump?” she demanded of Felix just as the teakettle whistled shrilly. She got up and went about making tea, turning down Felix’s offer of help. “You’re going to sit there until you tell me, child,” she told him. “Jumping off ledges in the middle of winter. Just ain’t right.” Felix kept looking down at the table.

“He’s just going through some stuff,” Jack said, wanting to mollify the situation. 

“And boys going through stuff jump off cliffs?” Mrs. Moody had always been a no-nonsense lady. Jack was almost happy to see she still wasn’t about to take any of their shit. Her southern twang was the most developed Jack had heard from anyone, making her a formidable woman. Her and Mr. Moody had been married for longer than Jack’s parents had been alive. They were a married pair that Jack had secretly always wished to emulate. 

“Have ye’ gotten a tan, Mrs. Moody?” Jack asked to be a little shit and try to get the conversation off of Felix. She looked like she wanted to smack him with a spoon. 

“Boy, I’d think you’re waiting to be hit if you keep up with that,” she said, shaking her head. “The both of you seem ready for a whoopin’.”

“Christie, sweetie, I’d like a little extra honey in my tea,” Mr. Moody said. He was much better at calming her than anyone else. “Be sure to add a little extra sugar, would ya?” He winked lecherously at her. She rolled her eyes and muttered something under her breath as she poured the hot water into four mugs, then went into the cupboard for the teabags.

Mr. Moody eased back in his seat and eyed Felix and Jack. “So, how you boys been?” he asked innocently enough. “Haven’t see you in a while. Heard that Seán moved away, and that was that.” He pulled idly at his sleeve. “Didn’t see you again after that, Felix, though I saw your truck plenty with that other boy. The small one who jumps at damn near everything.”

“That’s, uh, Michael,” Felix said. “He’s a friend.”

“I would hope so, considering how often we saw him.” Mr. Moody reached behind himself and pulled out a cigarette. He’d been smoking for years, but had usually avoided it when Jack and Felix were over to keep them from secondhand smoke. Seemed like he thought they were old enough at this point. “You eighteen yet, Felix?” he asked. “What’re your plans after school?”

That was probably the second worst question you could ask Felix right now. Something fell apart in Felix’s eyes. Jack pressed his leg even closer into Felix. “Probably just gonna get a job and move somewhere. I don’t think college is a good idea. I have the grades but I don’t think it’s a smart idea in this economy, considering how much debt I’d put myself in,” Felix said, making it up on the go. “My dad has offered to pay for anything I want, but I’m not gonna make him keep spending money on me like that.”

“Why wouldn’t he?” Mr. Moody asked as he smoked lazily. “The man’s your father. He’s hardly around. What about your mother? Doesn’t she have to pay some sort of alimony?” Felix’s expression became drawn. He wordlessly shook his head. Mr. Moody nodded slowly. “Everything alright with your mother?” Felix’s eyes unconsciously cut to Jack. “Everything alright with Seán?” Mr. Moody asked after noticing the glance.

“He’s perfect,” Felix said so quickly that Jack almost thought it was automatic. When Mr. Moody’s brow flew up, Felix flushed and sputtered. “I mean, uh.”

“Well I’ll be!” Mrs. Moody exclaimed from the kitchen. “Don’t tell me you boys finally opened your eyes?” She set down a mug in front of Felix, and another in front of Jack. “I swear, you’ve been dancing around one another since the day we met you both. It’s about time you woke up.” She paused, then narrowed a shrewd eye at Felix. “You have woken up, ain’t ya? I didn’t just drop your secret out there.”

Jack wondered just how all of these adults knew about their stupid feelings before they knew themselves. Jack shook his head, picking up his mug. “We got our shite together,” he told the Moodys with a small smile. At least they wouldn’t have to hide from the people that mattered. Now that it was safe, Jack reached under the table and took Felix’s hand. Felix’s palm was clammy. 

“When’s the wedding?” Mr. Moody asked cheekily. 

“Why on earth would you jump off a cliff when you have such a stellar boyfriend?” Mrs. Moody asked. “Seán’s such a looker, you know. Can’t imagine any reason to throw yourself into the water.”

“He’s going through stuff,” Jack repeated. 

Mr. Moody sighed. “Well, if you’re not gonna tell us what, then I expect to know what the two of you have been doing this whole time. Been two years. There’s gotta be a couple of good stories in there.”

Conversation stayed away from Felix and the shit that was keeping the Swede from relaxing in his seat. Everyone could tell something was wrong. He didn’t even drink his tea. His fingers stayed cold in Jack’s hand. Mr. and Mrs. Moody kept talking and asking questions and Jack was really the only one to respond to anything. Felix didn’t want to talk, so it was up to Jack to do it for him.

He talked about everything that was safe. His parents, school, his new friends, the more mundane parts about his time in Ireland. He told the barebones story of how he and Felix had gotten together in the Denver aquarium, because to Jack, that was really their first moment as a couple. Of course, he embellished details to avoid certain facts, like why they’d even been in Denver in the first place. 

Jack told them about his own school work and how he was probably going to end up not doing anything after school like Felix. He felt Felix’s hand twitch in his grip when he said that, and wondered if Jack’s readmission of his loyalty to Felix was comforting or upsetting to him. It didn’t change Jack’s decision either way— he was going to be with Felix whether he liked it or not. 

He told stories about how he and his friends and the dumb things Mark talked about and the hilarious steps Ethan and Tyler’s relationship took. He talked about Amy and the way she handled Mark’s silliness and how stiff Kathryn could be about basically everything. He talked about how Michael was becoming friends with Ethan and Tyler and how Felix’s father had visited and how Jack had spent basically the entire week just fucking around because what was he supposed to do without Felix?

He talked until the sun was too low in the sky for him not to notice. He hadn’t imagined he could’ve talked for so many hours, but the Moodys had pressed and pressed. They were in the living room now with new mugs of tea. Mr. and Mrs. Moody were sitting together on the old, threadbare couch Jack remembered from his childhood, and they were nearly hoarse from laughing at Jack’s endless, terrible jokes. Felix was sitting in an armchair, and Jack was sitting on the arm of said chair. It had taken too long for Felix to finally put an arm around Jack’s hip to steady him where he sat. Mrs. Moody had seemed pleased when Felix had finally done it.

Around dinner time, Jack finally said, “we should probably get going. My parents will be worried.”

“Of course, boys,” Mr. Moody said with a nod. “Drive safe, you hear? Gets dangerous out there at night, and a storm’s blowing in. Better be careful. Guess it’d be too much to offer the guest bedroom?”

Jack almost wanted to take the offer, but Felix still had barely said a word. Making Felix stay the night when he was already in such a bad way would be a horrible thing to do. For a moment, Jack wondered if the act of throwing himself off that ledge had been too much of an instinct for Felix. He wondered if Felix had spent this entire day stewing in the realization that he could’ve been that ready to die.

Jack suddenly froze as the same realization hit him. 

Holy shit. 

If there hadn’t been water, Felix would be dead. If they hadn’t made that jump so many times in their younger lives, Felix could’ve very well have just thrown himself off a cliff with every intention of ending it. Felix’s first instinct had been to risk his fucking life, just to get away from a stupid question that Jack had tried to corner him into answering. Fuck.

_Fuck._

“I think we’re okay,” Jack said, barreling past his own inner turmoil. “I really have been ignoring my parents, and they were already nice enough to let me skip school today with Fe’. We’ve really got t’ get going. We’ll try and stop by again soon, yeah? Maybe bring Mark along so you can meet ‘im. He’d love to make some glass stuff, I’m sure. Still got that running?”“What else would I be doing when I can stand this man?” Mrs. Moody asked with a teasing smile as she pat her husband’s leg. “I’ll fire up the kiln for you when you do come back. Bring whoever you want, we’ll make a party out of it.”

They said their goodbyes, Jack giving tighter hugs than he thought he would. He missed these two. They were simple to be with, they were kind and unassuming. Jack thought the world would be better with more people like them. He found himself excited to see them again. As Jack and Felix walked back to the truck, their still-wet clothes in hand, Jack looked up at the sky to see the storm clouds above their heads and wondered if they really should have taken that guest room. 

Felix drove with his hands gripping the steering wheel like he was expecting it to be ripped from his hands. Snow started to fall. Jack at first really enjoyed it, because it looked like they were driving through hyperspace, but when he turns to Felix to describe it to him, he saw the whiteness of Felix’s face. “I can drive,” he offered without thinking. Snow was probably worse than rain. Visibility was limited with the slowly-thickening snowfall and the headlights. 

“I’m fine,” Felix lied through his teeth. “Just, just let me focus.”

Jack looked worriedly to the way Felix was hunched forward, eyes trained in front of him. “Felix, let me drive,” he insisted. “It can’t be that hard. I swear I won’t crash the car.” The joke was a terrible one to make. Felix only started to look nauseous. Suddenly, Jack was very done with everything Felix was putting himself through.

“Felix, pull over,” he said firmly. When Felix didn’t immediately obey, Jack said again: “pull over.”

“I’m trying to get us home.”

“Ye’ll kill us like this. Pull the fuck over.” A low blow, very manipulative of Jack, but he needed Felix to understand that he was serious. And when Felix stilled refused to listen, Jack did something very stupid— he reached out to pull one of Felix’s hands from the wheel. The truck swerved just the tiniest amount as Felix adjusted, but the effect was enough. The sharp noise of absolute terror that came from Felix with the sway of the truck, though, was far too much. 

“I’m sorry,” Felix said before turning the wheel and pulling off onto the side of the road. The snow continued to fall, but it looked a little less serious now that they were stationary. If anything, it was almost peaceful. Jack turned in his seat to face Felix. He tried to think through what he was going to say. Nothing came to mind. But he was still surprised when Felix actually spoke first.

“She wants me to come to Sweden.”

Jack frowned and looked to Felix. The other boy was staring ahead. He was still holding the wheel with a death grip even though the truck was in park. “Who wants what?”

“Lotta,” Felix said. “My mother. She wants me to come back to Sweden. She wants me to come work for her company and stay with her. She says that she wants me to reconnect.”

Jack didn’t know what to say. “… Is that good or bad?”

Felix swallowed hard. “She said she misses me and that she loves me. She said that, that she regretted what she did. She said that she talked about it with her family up there and that all of them were upset with her for what she did. She told me she was sorry and that she still loves me and that she wants her son back.”

Jack thought that sounded like a good thing. Felix had the chance to get his mother back. Maybe it wouldn’t be an immediate fix, maybe it would take a long time to forgive, but she’d been the first one to reach out, right? That had to mean something. “That’s good, Felix,” he said, trying to be supportive. He still resented the woman, but he wasn’t about to start a fight. “I-I’m happy for ye’. You deserve it.”

Felix shook his head, though. “She wants me for a tax break, Seán,” he said, his voice breaking at the end. 

“That can’t be—”

“She told me how much money she was making, Seán, like it would be some sort of incentive for me coming over there. I know how Sweden works, dude, with how much people pay in taxes. If she has me living with her as a dependent, regardless of my age, she’ll get a tax break. And if she pays for me to get higher education over there, she’ll get even more money back.” Felix twisted his grip on the wheel. “She said she was going to have her lawyers contact my dad. She said that he didn’t have a right to keep me from her.”

Jack felt himself start to gape. “No fucking way.”

“She, she said that she’s going to take legal action against him,” Felix continued. “But if I just go to her anyways, she won’t have to fight it. I-I’m eighteen, she said, I can do whatever I want. She said that she’d waited until I was eighteen to ask me so I wouldn’t have to betray my father. She said that she wanted it to be my decision. She said that, that she wanted to know I still loved her.” Tears brimmed in his eyes. “She wants to know if I still love her.”

Jack watched Felix slowly break down. His grip finally failed from his hands shaking. He wasn’t crying yet, but he was losing control. There was fear in there, though Jack couldn’t name what for. There was pain, too, and betrayal. Jack hadn’t been sure how all of this shit with Felix’s mother could have gotten worse, but here it was. This had been the final straw. This had been what finally broke Felix. What drove him back to the blade.

Fuck. 

Jack tried to make a point of not hating people, because it was an exhausting thing to feel, but he genuinely hated that woman. He didn’t feel like he needed to talk himself out of the absolute fury that was making him see red. _What kind of fucking monster was she?_ How had Jack never seen this horrible, evil side to this witch of a woman? He’d used to look up to her. He’d used to love her like a second mother. Now she was slowly tearing the person he cared most about apart, piece by fucking piece. There was a dull roaring in Jack’s ears, something that sounded like screaming or rushing blood. There was a sound beyond it, too. Jack came back from himself to the sound of Felix crying.

It was quiet. Felix was trying to keep Jack from realizing what was happening. Jack watched Felix bite hard on his lower lip to stifle a sob. He was so obviously trying to regain control of himself. Jack hated the sight of it.

“C’mere,” he murmured, reaching out to put an arm around Felix’s neck to yank him down into his chest. Felix went without a fight. Jack tangled a hand in his hair, putting his leg up on the seat to let Felix fall between his knees. It was probably uncomfortable for them both, but Felix didn’t protest. He wrapped his arms around Jack’s torso and hid his face in Jack’s neck. 

“ _Fan_ ,” Felix choked out. Jack felt wetness on his skin. He rubbed Felix’s back, wishing he could help him. “ _Jag är ett misstag. Jag önskar att jag inte var har. Jag önskar att det skulle sluta. Jag önskar att jag inte levde._ ”

Jack didn’t know what he was saying, but he didn’t like whatever Felix could be saying when he was this low. “Wish I could speak Swedish,” he admitted. “Feel like I’d be able to help ye’ a lot better if I knew what you were sayin’.”

Felix shook his head. “You don’t want to know. It’d make you mad.”

“If it’s that bad, then ye’ shouldn’t say it at all.”

“Fuck, Seán.” There was another stifled sob. Jack held on tighter. “I-I don’t know what to do. My dad—”

“Would hate t’ see ye’ beating yourself up over the shite that devil woman does,” Jack told him. “Ye’ need to tell him what she intends to do. He’ll want to know. He’ll fight this. This isn’t something you should have to handle. Not on your own, at least.”

“She’s gonna try to—”

“Felix, this ain’t your fight,” Jack interrupted firmly. “She’s trying to involve ye’ in something that you’ve no part being in. She’s got all of her own fucking garbage that she’s trying to involve you in. If ye’ don’t want to go back to Sweden, then fucking don’t. She can’t make you do a damn thing. And if ye’ ask me? You shouldn’t go anywhere near that fucking cunt.”

Felix sniffled. “She, she’s my mom, Seán.”

“She ain’t anything,” Jack swore vehemently. “She ain’t good for you, and she sure as hell ain’t yer mother. So fuck whatever ties you think ye’ve got with her, all of them were severed years ago. You don’t owe anyone anything.”

Felix was practically shoving himself into Jack. It felt good to be able to provide him with some magnitude of comfort. “I’m sorry for jumping,” he whispered into Jack’s skin. “I just couldn’t think about it. I couldn’t think about how little I mean to her. I-I’m nothing more than an opportunity to get more money. I’m her child, but I’m basically worthless to her. I mean, maybe not worthless. But definitely not worth anything.” 

There was a brush of Felix’s hair against Jack’s jaw as Felix brought a knee inwards. He was curled up as small as possible in Jack’s lap. The snow fell gently around the truck. Jack’s fingertips were cold, so he slid them under the sweater Felix was borrowing. He brushed a cut. He fought the urge to pull away again. 

“I couldn’t think about it,” Felix kept on. “I couldn’t. Her words won’t leave me alone. The way she lied to me, the way she thinks that I’m just something to be used. She doesn’t love me anymore, but she didn’t have any problem in lying and saying she did. God, I just… I’d thought I was done. Her leaving was the first thing that really fucked me up, you know? But I’d thought it was over. I’d thought that was behind me, that I’d never have to revisit it. And then…”

“And then she sent a letter,” Jack finished for him. “And it was like being abandoned all over again.”

He felt Felix nod. “I’m sorry. I-I wish I were stronger.”

“No one’s meant t’ go through what you have even once, Felix,” Jack sighed. “Let alone twice. Cut yourself some slack and don’t be afraid to ask for help, yeah? You’re the furthest thing from weak t’ me. I wish I were half as strong as you, and I know I’m not the only one.”

“Who the fuck would ever want to be like me?” Felix asked harshly. 

“Uh, well, me, for starters,” Jack said. “Though I know it won’t mean much to ye. But Mark does too.” Maybe it wasn’t within his rights to divulge Mark’s thoughts, but Felix needed the reassurance, and Jack knew Mark wouldn’t be upset in being able to offer that. “He wants to be brave like you. He told me as much.”

Felix paused. “… Mark said that?”

“Yeah. He wishes he could prove himself like you have. I think he looks up to you a little like I do.”

“… Mark? Really?”

Jack smiled a little. “I wouldn’t lie to ye’. He does look to you. He thinks you’re strong and brave and good, okay? He wishes he were more like ye’. Or maybe able to prove he is like you. He thinks you’re reliable. And good.” Jack ran his cold fingers up and down Felix’s warm skin. “You’re not what ye’ say your are. You’re a good person, Felix. The best kind of human.” He paused, needing to bring it back. “And nothing your mother says or does will ever change that. She ain’t shit. Got it?”

He felt Felix shudder, a full body tremor of every muscle in his body. Jack tightened his grip, wondering if Felix was cold. The snow outside was getting thicker. Jack pulled Felix even closer to his chest. He glanced into the backseat, looking for some sort of blanket. “Are ye’ cold?” he asked, keeping his voice low. He didn’t want to startle Felix out of the calm quiet that had fallen over them both. 

“Not cold,” Felix replied. “Just… Just really trying to figure this out.”

“Figure what out?”

“If it’s okay to hate your own mother.”  
“It is when the bitch ain’t been much of a mum,” Jack told him. “Stop analyzing this. Stop agonizing. She’s a fucking cunt and she doesn’t deserve an amazing boy like you as her son, so the sooner you realize what you’re worth and what she isn’t, the sooner I think you’ll be able to feel good again. Or something close.” His fingers grazed the cuts again. “… I know we haven’t said much, but I ain’t letting you hurt yourself again,” he told Felix. “Any time ye’ feel the need, you come to me, yeah? Because this shit? Where you hurt yourself? It’s done. It’s over. Got it?”

Felix started to pull away, and Jack worried that he had fucked up. But then Felix lifted his head and put the smallest of kisses to Jack’s cheek. “Got it,” he whispered before pulling away completely and sitting back in front of the wheel. He wiped his eyes with the sleeve of the sweater. “Gotta keep going,” he told Jack. “Wouldn’t want to freeze to death out here.”

“Do you promise?” Jack asked. “That you’re done?”

Felix looked like he was nervous to agree.

Jack frowned. Then he held up his pinky finger. Absolutely no shame in it this time, because if this was how he was going to get Felix to promise, then he’d do it. “Swear it,” he said. “Swear ye’ won’t ever touch yourself like that again. No excuses. No explanations. You just won’t do it ever again.”

“Fuck.” Felix reached out and wrapped a cold pinky finger with Jack’s. “I swear it.”

“Good,” Jack said. “You’re staying at my place tonight.”

“Oh, are we not taking all knives and razors and sheets of paper out of my house?” Felix asked sarcastically. 

“Felix, ye’ ain’t a child,” Jack snorted. “You made me a promise, so I’m going to trust you. Simple as that.” He corrected himself in the passenger seat, missing the warmth of Felix’s body against his. “Sides. I know you’d rather die than break a promise to me.”

Felix put the car into drive. “Fuck you,” he said with no heat. He knew Jack was right. “I’m gonna drive. Mind if we keep it quiet? I want, I want to focus.” His white grip returned to the steering wheel. “The last thing I want to do is hurt you.”

Jack only nodded and sat back quietly for the rest of the ride home. 

. . .

When Felix’s truck pulled up in front of Jack’s house, Jack readied himself for sneaking in quietly. He knew they were probably going to be in trouble, regardless of whatever permission Jack had been given by his mother earlier today. He hadn’t checked his phone once. He hadn’t responded and or even interacted with a single person aside from Felix and the Moodys. It hadn’t been a good day, really, but it had been really fucking productive. Jack had a promise for Felix to keep, and a sweater to return. He didn’t regret the day, but he was nervous for the backlash of his parents. 

“They probably won’t be cool with me staying over after everything,” Felix said. “It’ll be a punishment or something.”

“Then you come in through the window,” Jack said with a roll of his eyes, knowing he needed to seem a lot more confident than he actually felt to ensure that Felix actually came indoors. “Been doing it for years, Fe’, it ain’t rocket science.”

“But it’s so cold,” Felix lamented.

“We either sleep in my bed, or yours.”

“Yours.” Felix’s response was automatic. Jack nodded and opened the passenger door. The kitchen light was on. There was no way he’d be able to sneak in without alerting his parents. He was fucked. Jack waited for Felix to round the car and join him. He reached out, then smiled widely when Felix readily took his hand. He was about to get his ass chewed, but at least Felix would be there. “You scared?” Felix asked him. “Honestly, sometimes I miss getting in trouble. At least it meant they cared.” Felix squeezed Jack’s hand. Jack’s eyes widened at the new perspective. Fuck.

“Let’s go in,” Felix said, puling Jack up the front lawn and up the porch steps. He stopped in front of the door. “Couldn’t be any worse than what I’ve already put you through.” He opened the front door, and there stood Jack’s mother. Jack tensed, racing himself for some sort of yelling. 

She didn’t pay any mind to him, though. Her eyes immediately locked on Felix, and she threw her arms around him. Jack belatedly noticed the tears in her eyes. “Oh, honey,” she cried, her accent even stronger. Jack’s father came up behind her. He only glanced to Jack before turning his sorrowful attention to Felix. His father put a hand on Felix’s shoulder over his mother. Jack watched them, at a loss. Felix looked over Jack’s mother to Jack and looked just as confused. 

“That woman is the devil,” Jack’s mother sobbed. She clung to Felix like Jack would. “You’re not going to hear a damn word from that witch again, do you hear me? She ain’t saying a word to you again.”

“ _V-vad?_ ” Felix stumbled out, so very lost.

“Yer father called, lad,” Jack’s father said. “Told us all about your cunt of a mother.”

“Don’t say that word,” Jack’s mother chided through her tears.

“Ye’ should’ve told us,” his father said. He sounded more broken up than Jack had heard in years. “We would’ve brought ye’ out of that empty house. Would’ve brought you here.” That hand was still on Felix’s shoulder. “You’re just as much of a son to us as Seán. Don’t ever think you’re anything but welcome here.”

“Pack a bag,” his mother sniffled. “You’re staying here for the next few nights.”

“You, you don’t have to do this,” Felix said.

“Don’t be fuckin’ daft,” his dad snorted. “Just get upstairs, pack tomorrow. The both of ye’ must be tired. Dinners on the table, movies are in the cupboard in the den. You boys have a nice evening, yeah? We’ll talk more tomorrow if we have t’. Just focus on having a not-shite night.” He took his wife by the arm. “Come along now. Poor boy’s already seeing stars from the hug ye’ gave him.” Jack’s father pulled her away. “Mama bear here needs her sleep,” he said with a laugh. “Keep it down, boys. Don’t do anything too grown up.” He gave them a wink before pulling Jack’s mom upstairs. 

Felix looked floored. “Your parents are the best,” he told Jack with a wistful tone.

“Don’t I fucking know it.” Jack grinned and pulled Felix into the warm house. “Look at that, Fe’,” he said. “Everything seems pretty fucked, but at least ye’ve got the McLoughlins, right? We ain’t so bad.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Felix told him sincerely. “I mean it. Holy fuck. I-I think I’d be dead by now. This past month…” Felix ran a hand through his hair and shook his head. “I don’t know how I got so lucky, but fuck, I am so fucking happy to have you back.”

Jack felt his throat close up. “Stop being a sap,” he forced out. “Come watch a shitty movie with me.”

Felix smiled at him. It was the first time Jack had seen that all day. “Wanna watch _The Room_ again?”

“Fuck no I don’t. Let’s do it.” Jack paused in the doorway as Felix walked past him. “Hey, uh, Fe’?” He waited until Felix actually turned to look at him. “What they said. About you being out of an empty house. They meant that. I know Mark and Amy and Ethan and Tyler and I put a lot of work into those photos and the house, but… if the emptiness is leaving you worse off, come here. Even if I ain’t home. They love you. _We_ love you. And you’re always welcome here. Yeah?”

Felix waved him off, looking a little embarrassed. “You can take the knives and sharp shit out of my house. Really. I-I know you trust me, but I want you to know that I really won’t. So if you take it all out of the house, then…”

Jack shook his head. “A promise is a promise,” he replied. “I trust ye’ more than that.” He went up on his toes to peck Felix on the lips. The Swede’s cheeks went a subtle pink. “Let’s go watch your shitty movie, Fe’,” he said. “Ye’ deserve a night of nothing but dead brain cells and horrible dialogue.” The smile Felix gave him was even happier than the first.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i banged this one out in like a day go me 
> 
> the fever dream in italics is a little non-con-y, so skip it if you need to and let me know in the comments if you want a summary
> 
> also LOOK 200K WOW SO AMAZING SUCH WORDS MUCH LENGTH FUCK ME

Maybe jumping into those freezing waters after Felix had been the dumbest thing Jack could’ve done. Not in the sense that going after Felix was dumb, no, but the freezing cold waters part, and them being at the edges of autumn. Jack was Irish and pale, he’d been bred for cold weather and temperatures in the single digits, but by jesus, he wasn’t meant for ice diving. That was definitely more Felix’s area of expertise.

He’d made it to school that Tuesday morning with Felix, only to be sent home in the beginning of first period by an overly-concerned Mark and the disgruntled teacher. The reason had been about how it was apparently distracting to be shivering and radiating heat at the same time. And granted, half the class had been staring at the way Jack was basically dying in the back of the room beside Mark, but Jack still felt like sending him home was a little bit of an overreaction. So what if he was contagious? Most kids would’ve been overjoyed for a chance to stay home sick. 

His mom had picked him up and and fawned over him, cooing softly about chicken noodle soup and oil of oregano with a ton of orange juice. She’d put him back to bed immediately, and Jack had lamented the empty spot beside him, where Felix had woken up next to him only hours before. He hadn’t even had a chance to tell Felix he’d been sent home because his mother had confiscated his phone, insisting on his need to rest. Jack was sure Mark would tell Felix, but it still felt a little cheap for Felix not to hear it from him. 

Jack was miserable, too. So fucking miserable, all alone in his room, curled up under the heavy quilts his mother had given him and shivering. “Sweat it out,” had been her advice to him. Fuck that. He wasn’t about to suffer like that. DayQuil helped, but he’d taken the wrong fucking one. You weren’t supposed to drink NyQuil when the sun was up. He felt like his heartbeat was too slow. He felt like his lungs were too exhausted to even draw in air. Why did he do this to himself? Why didn’t he just read the fucking label instead of going by color? Even then, that was a shitty excuse. DayQuil was warm colored, NyQuil was cool. Why the fuck had he done this to himself?

He passed out for a few minutes sometime before when he would’ve been to lunch, and by then he knew that someone had to have told Felix, because Felix would’ve ditched school and been here if he hadn’t. God knew Felix didn’t need to miss any more classes. Jack was a little worried about his ability to graduate at this point. Michael had a special kind of excuse to miss school that wasn’t passed on to Felix. Was he even eligible to graduate at this point?

Jack slipped in and out of consciousness, feeling so horribly drugged. He wondered if this was what it felt like to be roofied. He was scared to actual fall asleep and kept fighting it. Sleeping was only safe when he wasn’t alone, a warm body beside him acting as a buffer from whatever was in his head. Jack didn’t want to sleep. Why the fuck had he taken the damn NyQuil? Fever dreams were already hard enough to handle. Coupled with the memories he didn’t want, but now had…

Around noon, he couldn’t fight it any longer. Jack remembered feeling nothing but fear as he lost his last grip on reality. The act of falling in and out of sleep when so sick had utterly exhausted him. He wasn’t able to keep it up any longer. 

_It was cold in his head. There was a fire somewhere behind him, he could see the glow on the cars parked in front of him, but he couldn’t turn around. Something was holding onto him by the shoulders and sides and hips and legs. Something was keeping him from moving. Someone._

_The asphalt warped and slipped beneath his feet, like lava lazily creeping along a path of destruction, but still somehow asphalt. Watching it move beneath him made Jack feel dizzy. The urge to vomit overwhelmed him, but when he opened his mouth, black sludge surged out from between his lips. It landed on the moving asphalt, yet stayed stationary. Jack could see his reflection in it. He could see hands holding him by the neck, thick fingers pressing into his jugular. Nails dug into his skin, but when Jack reached up to try and push the hands away, he found nothing but his own neck. He stared into the inky pool on the asphalt and then swore he saw another face._

_**“I made him love me, I made him obsessed with me, and yet he still fucking thought about you.”** _

_The words were whispered into his ear, a ghost of wet breath touching the skin of his cheek. Jack flinched and tried to pull away from the voice, the horrible, familiar voice, but he still couldn’t move his feet. He could only reach up and push uselessly at the nothing behind himself._

_**“Just picture the look on his face if you come back to him with marks on your neck from me.”** _

_The breath was hot like fire. Jack opened his mouth to try and shout something, command this voice to leave him alone, let him go, but nothing would come out except more black ink. It flowed from his lips, clogging up his throat. Jack started to choke. He formed useless, unheard words that fell flat to the ground. The hands in his reflection were forming together, grasping at his clothes and his body. One hand started to slip down the front of Jack’s shirt._

_**“Imagine how sweet it would feel to hurt him like he’s hurt you.”** _

_Jack fought as hard as he could, thrashing about, moving his shoulders, thrusting back, doing anything he could to break away. The hands in the reflection were tearing at is clothes now, puling his shirt apart at the seams. The hand that was on his stomach slid down the front of his jeans. Jack tried to scream. There was still no sound._

_**“I know that you’re the best way for me to make sure Felix takes that final fucking step and ends it.”** _

_Jack could feel the hand, the one violating every inch of his body. He wheezed out more black ink as he tried to shout for help. The cars in front of him began to warp and twist in his panic addled mind. He couldn’t fight the thing touching him. He couldn’t break away. He couldn’t stop the hands. He couldn’t scream for help. He couldn’t be saved._

_**“Jack,”** came the voice. The low voice, grating at the edge of villainous. Jack knew the name, knew the person speaking, touching, twisting, taking what wasn’t his. He hated the voice that tore at his brain and churned in his stomach. His vision was beginning to fray at the sides. He felt heavy and lightheaded at the same time as that hand roamed freely inside his clothes, touching what wasn’t in his right to touch. Jack tried to scream one last time. More ink was the only thing to come out. Jack almost wished he could die to escape this. _

_**“I’ll make you so dirty that Felix will never want to touch you again.”** _

__“Jack!” __

_Jack writhed against the arms. The black ink at his feet suddenly began to bubble and rise, past his feet, past his ankles, past his knees, higher and higher and higher. It stained his clothes and soaked into his skin. It was warm like blood and burned like acid. Jack still couldn’t scream, but that didn’t stop him from trying for the sheer pain. The ink was past his hip now. He felt a burning in his sides, small little twitches that reminded him of paper cuts. More ink came out of his mouth. The blackness was past his stomach now. He was going to drown._

Jack!” 

Jack lurched back into wakefulness with wide, harrowed eyes. He lashed out at whoever was sitting on his bed, ready to defend himself from Ken. Only now could he think the name, only once he was out of his own head. Ken, the liar. Ken, the abuser. Ken, the monster.

“Oh god,” he rasped, well aware of his trembling. He hunched over, pressing a hand to his stomach, half expecting to have his hand come back wet with ink. No one was touching him. There was no hand down the front of his sweats. He wasn’t drowning and he wasn’t being held forcefully still. Jack heaved a long breath in relief. He was fine. He was fine.

Jack lifted his head and wasn’t surprised by the stricken expression Mark was wearing. Ethan and Tyler stood just behind him, though Ethan looked more scared than concerned, and Tyler just looked like he wanted to find something to hit. Jack took a few more moments to try and catch his breath. His entire body was still overheated with the fever. He twisted his grip on the sheets. The sensation grounded him. This was real. 

“Hey,” he finally greeted as he started to feel human again. “Sorry. That was, uh.” He didn’t have the words. He hadn’t had a dream like since the last time he was foolish enough to let himself fall asleep. “That was something,” he settled for.

“Fever dreams,” Ethan said with a shaky grin. “Am I right?”

Jack just grimaced. “Something like that.”

“We came to see if you needed anything,” Mark explained, his voice soft. “We brought some studying stuff, and a message from Felix. All he said was ‘sorry.’ Did something happen? What made you so sick?” Jack hadn’t had time to tell Mark the story of yesterday before being sent home. He’d just shown up to class, horrified the teacher with his sickly pallor, and then gone right back to bed. 

“We went t’ the quarry and he freaked out,” Jack sighed. “Jumped into the water, so I went after him. It was my fault, really. I did a shitty thing.”

“How did you do the shitty thing if he was the one who jumped?” Tyler asked. 

“He, he, I…” Jack groaned and lied back down carefully. He felt a little dizzy sitting up like that. “His mother. She said some shit. Did some shit. Gonna do more shit, too. It’s fucking Felix up and I kinda forced him into a corner. The only way out he had was jumping, so…” Jack shrugged. “So he jumped.”

“Oh.” Ethan rubbed the back of his head. “Kinda sounds like you did do the shitty thing.”

“I really did.”

“So you totally deserve this.” Tyler sat down on the bed on the opposite side of Mark. “Well, then I guess I don’t really feel bad for you.”

“That doesn’t explain why you were screaming for help,” Mark said. Instantly, Tyler and Ethan’s expression sobered. They both looked to Jack, then away. They obviously hadn’t wanted to bring it up. Mark, though, was notorious for going past what people wanted and getting straight to the heart of the matter. “You were begging, Jack. You were begging to be saved.”

Jack covered his face with his hands. “T’ain’t nothin’.”

“It didn’t sound like nothing,” Ethan hedged. “Kinda… kinda sounded like a whole lot of something. And then more. Like, horror movie shit.” Ethan looked between Mark and Tyler. “I mean, I don’t know if this is what Mark meant, but… You did go through some really difficult stuff, with, with… At, at prom. You went through a really bad thing. Does that…?”

“Fucking christ.” Jack continued to hide his eyes so they wouldn’t be clued in to his lie. “Felix went through way worse and he ain’t screaming in his sleep, so I think it’s safe to say that that ain’t what’s gettin’ to me. He went through far more traumatic shit and he’s fine.”

There was audible hesitation, before Mark said, “Felix is cutting himself.”

Alright, so maybe that hadn’t been the best argument. Maybe Jack should’ve realized that Mark was way more in the know than Jack had ever thought he would be (since he’d been there for the dinner with Tyler), and that there was also no way in hell that Tyler wouldn’t tell Ethan everything. So of course they would know that no, Felix definitely wasn’t a fine example of coping with trauma. Maybe he wasn’t screaming in his sleep, but he definitely wasn’t living a happy, healthy life.

“I’m getting through it well enough,” Jack told them. “I don’t know what else ye’ want from me. It ain’t like there’s some special, hidden rulebook on how to get over this kind of shite. If there were, you know I wouldn’t be keeping it to me-self. Felix would have a photocopy of it, or even the original.” He sighed again. “I’m fine. Really. Just sick is all. Maybe drank a little too much NyQuil.”

There was another pause before the bed shifted. Jack lifted an arm from his eye to see Ethan crawling onto the bed beside him. “Is that your laptop?” Ethan asked before opening the small computer. “Oh my god, you were watching _The Room_ again?”

Jack nodded. “That’s Felix’s favorite movie.”

“Fuck, he would be a meme-lord.” Ethan giggled when he saw what scene they’d stopped on after their second time watching the film for the night. _“You’re tearing me apart, Lisa!”_ Ethan wailed dramatically. _“Do you even understand life? Do you?!”_

“Wow,” Tyler said. “Never thought I’d see a worse actor than Tommy Wiseau.”

“Fuck you, I’m adorable.” Ethan pushed Tyler with the bottom of his shoe. “Besides, Jack’s going through some hard stuff. He needs a good comedian in his life. Jack, let me be your jester.”

“Fuck yeah, I’ll pay you in bread or something,” Jack mumbled. 

“God, I love bread.”

“We were really gonna offer to kick your ass in video games,” Tyler said. “Think you’re up for it?”

Jack sat up slowly, honestly ready to do anything to keep his mind off of the nightmare. “We good, Mark?” he asked, because Mark still looked like he wanted to press. Jack didn’t want to talk about it. He just wanted to forget and get over this sickness. He wanted Mark to just smile and nod.

But Mark shook his head instead. “Felix was so upset,” he told Jack. “You didn’t see the way he looked when I told him you were sick. It was like someone had told him he’d ran over his own pet. All he could do was tell me to tell you he was sorry. That’s not—”

“It ain’t his fault, and I’ll tell him as much again whenever I see him next.” Jack paused as he slowly turned in his bed to stand. “Uh, did he say anything about coming t’ visit?”

“He had to take Michael home, since Tyler and I were coming here,” Ethan said. 

“So he ain’t coming?” Jack’s face fell. “Awh…”

“I’m sure he’ll show up sometime,” Tyler placated. “Dude probably can’t spend a moment apart from you without getting all shaky and weird like he normally is when you’re gone. Did you know he used to scratch, like, holes into the desks with his fingernails? I mean, he hasn’t since you got back, but it was so fucking weird. I had the same desk as him, one class period after his, and, like, the holes, dude. I half expected to find bloodstains one day.”

“I love this story,” Jack deadpanned. “Seriously. Tell me more of his suffering. I just can’t get enough of it.”

“And you called me and Tyler kinky,” Ethan snorted.

“Why would he call us that?” Tyler asked his boyfriend slowly.

“Because he can’t keep his mouth shut about your knot tying abilities,” Jack said for payback. Ethan flailed an arm in the air to try and clamp Jack’s mouth shut, but it was useless. Tyler went red at the ears while Mark finally showed the ghost of a grin. “I’d say I’m impressed, but you really do seem like the kind of guy who went into cub-scouts and learned to tie every single fucking knot just for a badge.”

“Fuck you,” Tyler said dryly, still glaring at Ethan. “And see if I ever give in to one of your favors ever again, Ethan.”

“Please, you love that shit just as much as I do.”

“Ethan, why do you have to fit in so well with the sheltered, repressed boy in suburbia stereotype?” Mark asked. “And how did you get so lucky to have a boyfriend that actually lets you do that shit?”

“Who says he isn’t just as repressed?” Jack raised with a smirk. 

“Fuck you both,” Tyler drawled. “I’ll bet you both twenty bucks that Felix is into some of the most hardcore shit.”

Jack flushed and tried to imagine if that were true. What the hell could Felix possibly be into that wasn’t vanilla? With the near-PTSD, Jack couldn’t imagine Felix being into anything graphic. Maybe Jack needed to ask? They had never broached the subject of sex. What if Felix was fitting that repressed suburbian kid trope too? Jack didn’t know if he’d ever be able to bring himself to hurt Felix, even in sex, even if he asked for it. 

“I think I broke him,” Tyler observed with a snort. Jack flushed even deeper. “Dude, is Felix weird in bed?” When Jack didn’t answer again, Tyler caught on. “Wait, no sex? Really? You guys have been pacing around each other for literally years. Figured you would’ve fallen into bed the second you guys got over yourself.”

“He went through shit with Ken,” Jack mumbled, forcing the name out like a curse. “It ain’t gonna happen. Not for a while.”

“That sucks,” Tyler said. 

“You probably masturbate a lot more now,” Ethan said. Mark made a noise like he’d choked on his own tongue. “It’s the only logical assumption,” Ethan defended. “Felix is, like, weirdly sexually appealing without meaning to. He could make pouring a glass of apple juice sexy. Jack probably has the worst blue balls.”

“Unless Jack struggles to see Felix sexually after the emotional and sexual abuse Felix experienced,” Mark suggested.

“Yeah, nope,” Jack replied sharply. “He’s hot as fuck. I definitely stare a lot more than I should and I definitely wouldn’t mind getting a little closer to him, so to speak, so I can tell ye’ it ain’t cause he isn’t appealing to me. He just… ain’t ready. He ain’t ready, and that’s fine.”

“Blue balls,” Ethan said with a sagely nod. 

“Fuck you, you don’t even know,” Jack groaned, even though that was a little further from the truth. Jack was attracted to Felix, but he wasn’t obsessed with the idea of sex. Not when Felix was so fragile. And not when Jack was having these fucked up dreams.

“I can’t wait until you guys get it on so we can trade awesome sex tips,” Ethan told him with a wide grin. “C’mon! Let’s go play some stupid games. Got any gross food in your house? I could use some diabetic temptation.”

“Fuck, I’m sure there’s something in the cupboards,” Jack said while focusing on putting one foot in front of the other. Walking around when he was sick was just awful. He felt like he was about to keel over at any minute. There was a hand at Jack’s back, and he half expected to turn and see Felix. Still, it wasn’t a disappointed to see it was Mark supporting him, with Tyler just a step behind. It felt nice to be cared about.

Tyler eventually convince Jack to just pass out on the couch as Ethan and Mark tried their best not to kill each other while they played Mario Cart. Ethan kept choosing the Rainbow Road map no matter how many times Mark screamed at the ceiling and cursed Ethan’s existence. Tyler sat at Jack’s feet, generally catering to Jack’s every request for water and saltine crackers. Jack’s house was warm and the blanket Ethan had found for him was so thick that he felt like a caterpillar in a cocoon. Jack found himself dozing off every now and again, but he wasn’t afraid to fall asleep like he’d been before. The nightmares normally left him alone when he was with friends. 

Eventually, the controller went to Jack, and he played against Mark, since Mark had wiped the floor with Ethan regardless of how Ethan got to choose their map. And while Jack wasn’t in tip-top condition, he played this game far too often to be healthy. Ethan ended up in Tyler’s lap halfway through it, and Mark and Jack settled with throwing crumbs at them in retaliation for the PDA. Jack found himself practically forgetting everything that was wrong for him. With friends like these, it was hard to feel anything but lucky. 

“I can’t believe you’re making out with a dude who just ate his own weight in Cheezits, Tyler,” Mark accused, shaking his head as his cart went over the map. He was referring to the way Ethan and Tyler were basically swapping spit on the couch, Ethan straddling Tyler’s lap and effectively ignoring all of Mark’s joking criticism. “It’s like you want to just taste the gross food for a second time.”

Tyler just lazily flipped Mark off before returning his hand to where it had been clutching Ethan’s thigh. 

“Are ye’ gonna criticize me and Fe’ too?” Jack asked, mainly focused on the screen. “If ye’ say shit like that in front of Fe’, I’ll punch ye’ in the mouth. He doesn’t need criticism.”

“Felix is special,” Mark said. “He’s, like, that small kitten you found out in the blizzard and need to nurse back to health. You would never tease that small kitten. But Tyler and Ethan are two very fat, very happy cats. They don’t need to be coddled.”

“Coddle me!” Ethan cried out, only pulling away from Tyler for a second. Tyler looked a little perturbed at the interruption and started to push his hands through Ethan’s hair, like touching him would bring the attention back to him. Ethan would’ve purred if he had the ability. He turned back to Tyler and gave him this small, intimate smile that Jack almost felt bad for witnessing. For all of Ethan’s brashness, he really did love Tyler, and it showed. Jack envied him. He wished Felix would sit in his lap like that for no reason other than wanting to make out. But that wasn’t fair for Jack to wish for. 

“Wow, Jack, way to throw in the towel.”

Jack forced his eyes back to the TV and saw that Mark had just passed him and won the race. Fuck. Jack had lost. He hated losing to Mark, because whenever he did—

“Suck it you Irish fuck!” Mark shouted, throwing his controller violently onto the couch. He started doing this stupid dance, wagging his butt around in the air and making weird, sing-song-y noises to gloat. Jack groaned and set his own controller down, knowing he was going to be forced to endure at least a minute of Mark rubbing his victory in Jack’s face. Mark became really competitive during Mario Cart. “I’m the fucking best,” Mark sang. “I’m the fucking best!”

“I’d beat yer teeth in if I weren’t sick,” Jack threatened idly. 

“Fuck you, I’m better than you!” Mark kept singing. Tyler pulled himself from Ethan for a few precious seconds to throw a pillow at Mark’s head. Mark attempted to overcompensate for being thrown off balance and teetered dangerously. Jack kicked his leg out to try and help Mark, but only ended up making it worse. Mark fell on his ass, and his bragging was effectively ended. “My ass,” Mark whined. “Call Amy. She cares about my ass more than any of you ever have.” Tyler just flipped Mark off again. Jack was impressed by his ability to multitask. Again, envious.

“I can’t believe you guys,” Mark bemoaned. “I just wish I had some good friends. Friends that didn’t kick me over, or laugh at my misery, or make out with stupid boyfriends. A friend that—” Mark was interrupted by the buzz of his phone. He quickly shut up and checked it. “Ah,” he said. “Give me a second.” Mark was up like nothing had happened and out the front door. Jack frowned at where he’d disappeared. 

“The fuck was that?” he asked Tyler and Ethan. They didn’t respond other than a useless grunt from Tyler, and that could have meant anything. Against Jack’s better judgment, he forced himself to his wobbly feet and shuffled to the front of the house. Jack went out through the window next to the door and peeked through the curtains. He was surprised to see Felix and Mark. 

For a moment, he wanted to just burst outside and greet Felix with all the joy he felt when seeing the Swede. Watching Ethan and Tyler be cute had made him yearn for his platonic boyfriend. Jack wanted to kiss him more than anything, even though he was so obviously sick. 

But then he got a good look at Felix’s expression, and he felt like his presence wouldn’t be welcome. Felix looked beaten down. Mark had mentioned him feeling guilty about Jack being sick, but there was something else in Felix’s face. Something like uneasiness and a question. Jack hesitated. He hated that he felt the need to hesitate when it came to Felix. Mark was gesturing his hands around like he was explaining something big. What could they be talking about?

Fuck it, this was his front lawn. Jack didn’t have any reason to be watching from the shadows like this. He went back to the couch, collapsing with a huff. “Dude,” Ethan said, disturbed by the way Jack had dropped onto the couch. He stopped kissing an increasingly-frustrated Tyler. “Wait, what’s wrong with your face? You gonna throw up?”

Jack grimaced as he remembered the black ink from his nightmare. “Mark and Felix are talking about something and I’m grumpy about it,” he said instead of lingering on the memory. “I want Felix in here. I want my boy.”

“So possessive,” Ethan snickered. “Sexy.” Ethan got up and poured Jack more medicine. Jack glanced to the clock and noticed that he was past the time to take a second dose. Good thing he had someone to keep track of time for him. 

Jack took the small cup of dark liquid and threw it back, wincing only slightly at the taste.“Fuck you.”

“I’m fucking trying to fuck him!” Tyler exclaimed. “Jesus christ, either let me finish the job or stop being such a tease.” Ethan laughed, a little pink in the cheeks. Jack grinned at them. They really were something special. “I’m sure it’s fine,” Tyler grumbled now that he’d lost his boyfriend to embarrassment. “Like, it’s Mark. Mark and Felix. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s either important enough for you to find out later, or not important at all.”

“You’re right,” Jack admitted. “Doesn’t mean I like it. What if Mark tries to steal kitten-Felix away with his blixxard-nursing?”

“Do you think Amy’s into polygamy?” Ethan asked. 

“You’re not gonna make me think about that,” Tyler said. 

“Which of the three do you think would win a wet t-shirt contest?” Ethan asked.

“Amy,” Tyler replied. “The only one with actual tits.”

“What the fuck, Felix would totally win,” Jack snorted.

“Doesn’t he have, like…” Ethan trailed off, motioning at his hips. “Scars?”

“He’s also got a big ol’ scar on his chest from being impaled by a tree,” Jack added casually. “Scars on him are sexy.”

“I knew it,” Ethan said. “Kinky shit.”

“What the fuck, _impaled?_ ” Tyler repeated. 

“So do you think he’s into role play? Cause he could pull off Indiana Jones.”

Jack chuckled at Ethan’s question. “I’ve always seen him as more Nathan Drake.”

“Are we just going to ignore the whole ‘impaled’ thing?” Tyler demanded incredulously. 

“I’m guessing it was the car accident?” Ethan asked for Tyler’s sake. When Jack nodded, Ethan nodded back. “I’m still saying Indiana Jones, seasoned badass, timelessly attractive. Also smart. Don’t you want to prematurely sign onto the ‘my boyfriend is so much smarter than yours’ bandwagon? Cause I’ve got Tyler. I’m already winning.”

“Fuck you, I don’t need a fight to prove Felix is the smartest.” Jack was smiling now. Ethan had this knack in cheering him up with his stupid nature. Even if Ethan himself wasn’t actually stupid, he was great at carrying on stupid conversation. It probably also had something to do with the DayQuil. “Felix would rub Tyler’s face in the dirt— no offense, Tyler.” His head felt a little heavy. His eyelids drooped. Fuck, was it the drugs?

“Fuck you both,” Tyler said. 

The front door opened, and Jack looked to it as quickly as he could with such a heavy skull, half expecting Felix to not even come inside. He was relieved when he saw his lovely Swede, even though Felix didn’t look much better. Jack reached out, making grabby hands to convey his need. Felix, though, hesitated. “I ain’t sick,” Jack said with a pout. “I mean, I am, but you totally owe me.” 

Jack’s statement only made Felix look worse. The other boy came obediently forward and leaned over the back of the couch to press his lips to the top of Jack’s head after winding his fingers through the hair at the back of Jack’s head. For a second, Jack thought it was a sweet gesture of affection, until Felix pulled away with a frown. “You’re way too warm,” Felix told him. “Have you taken anything?”

“Way too much DayQuil,” Jack said, touched by Felix’s concern. Felix’s hand in his hair was awesome. He leaned back into it and grinned when Felix began to gently massage his scalp. “Fuck, I’m happy to see ye’.” Felix looked like he needed to hear it. The small smile Felix gave him in return was confirmation. “Gonna stay?” he asked. “I mean, I’m contagious, but these three fucks have already signed their death sentences. What’s one more for me record?”

“Michael needs me,” Felix said, and he looked like he wished that weren’t the case. “There’s stuff with a university application. I’m so sorry. I’d take care of you, but…”

Jack shrugged. He didn’t want to make Felix feel bad. “No harm. Come back tonight at least?” He didn’t want another nightmare, but he also expected Felix to say he couldn’t. Michael-care was usually a 24-7 sort of thing, so he was surprised when Felix nodded without hesitation. 

“I’ll come in through the window,” Felix said. 

“Thought ye’ thought it was too cold for that?” Felix just shrugged, so Jack reached up and wrapped his arms around Felix’s neck to pull him down. Felix tried to be careful in being pulled down on top of Jack and made sure not to accidentally knee Jack in the stomach or something. 

“Jack, I’ve got to go,” Felix told him, sounding sorry for it. Jack just hummed his understanding and pat Felix on his cheek. The other boy was heavy, and Jack loved it. He loved feeling that Felix had put on weight. He fucking loved this guy. Now that his attention wasn’t being entirely focused on the game, the drug was beginning to mess with Jack’s head even more. “Seán, hey,” Felix murmured. “I gotta go, okay? I’m sorry, but I’ll be back tonight.”

“I’m sick,” Jack told Felix matter-of-factly. “Ye’ gonna leave me?”

“I have to, and I’m so sorry about it.” Jack pat Felix on the face again, hating his expression. Holy shit, the DayQuil had suddenly hit him like a brick. “Don’t make this harder on me than it has to be, baby.”

Jack giggled. Felix had never called him that before. “I like it,” he told Felix, before repeating, “baby. Baby, baby, baby.”’

“You’re ruining it,” Felix said with a small laugh. “Jesus, isn’t the medicine supposed to make your more aware?”

Ethan frowned and sat up, reaching to the bottle of medicine he’d poured from for Jack. “Oh, fuck,” Ethan said. “I think I made the same mistake Jack made earlier. Dude, you’re in for a wild ride. More NyQuil for you.”

“Shit nipples,” Jack groaned. “Why can’t ye’ be a responsible adult, cause I obviously fucking can’t.”

“Get some sleep, Jack,” Felix told him with a quick peck of his lips to Jack’s cheek. “I’ll be back tonight, I promise.” Jack pouted and held up his pinky. Felix eyed it, then rolled his eyes fondly before interlocking their pinkies. “There. Trust me now?”

“I will be expecting ye’,” Jack said, moving onto his side. “Now leave me in my loneliness. Ethan and Tyler are just so cute and they keep asking me about kinky sex. I wanna cuddle.” Jack apparently lost his filter pretty quickly. God, that NyQuil was fast. He’d have to give it a stellar rating on Amazon or something. “Bye, Fili,” he said, curling his knees up. “Love you.”

Felix groaned. “God, you know how much I hate that name.” Did he? Jack didn’t remember ever calling Felix that before, just like Felix had never called him “baby.” “I love you too.” The weight was gone and Jack let out a pitiful whine. Fuck, he had literally no idea what was happening to himself anymore. The overwhelming need to sleep was making it hard to breathe again. The world felt slower. Jack’s eyes slid shut and he fell asleep.

. . .

He woke up in his bed, something that hadn’t happened since he’d been a little kid, when he’d been exhausted after a day of playing outside and doing stupid little kid things. Back when he was Seán. Every so often, and even more rarely, Jack would miss his name.

Jack sluggishly lifted his head and looked around his dark room. There was a cold breeze for some reason. He heard a clatter, then jumped, wheezing out a noise of fear. He saw a figure looming above him near the window, dark and foreboding. Jack whimpered a name in fear, but couldn’t actually hear the name in his head. The figure froze. 

Jack reached out to weakly push at the figure, and whoever it was took a step back. Jack couldn’t keep his head up for too long— he was too tired. He dropped back onto his pillow, hiding his eyes. He had this weird idea that if he couldn’t see the scary figure, the figure couldn’t see him. 

There were hands on his body, gently pushing him onto his back. Jack tried to push the hands away, but was surprised when he could actually touch them. The inky blackness of his room was too reminiscent of the ink that had come from his mouth. He let out another noise of fear and repeated the same name. The hands disappeared. There was the sound of footsteps, and then Jack’s room was suddenly flooded with light. He weakly turned his head to see who the intruder was.

“Fuck, Felix,” he breathed. “Thought you were…” He didn’t actually know who he thought Felix had been, but Felix apparently did. 

“Ken,” Felix finished for him. The name made Jack tense. “You thought I was Ken.”

“Did I?” Jack pulled his duvet over his head. The light suddenly hurt. “C’mere,” he beckoned. “I’m fucked. Wanna sleep with ye’.”

Felix didn’t do anything for a long time. Then the light was shut off again. Jack heard the window be closed before the mattress dipped and Felix slid in under the blanket with Jack. Jack smiled and latched onto the other boy with a pleased, tired smile. “So much warmer,” he sighed happily. “Love ye’.” He was already slipping off into the nothing again. With Felix here, he wasn’t scared.

Something felt a little off, though. Felix wasn’t relaxing in bed beside him. Jack knew he’d done something, maybe said the wrong thing, but he couldn’t bring it into his head. Everything was blurry and there was the faint sound of static accompanying the heaviness in his lungs that was insisting he fall into unconsciousness. Jack couldn’t fight it any longer. He honestly didn’t even want to. 

He only just barely heard Felix return the sentiment before the world was gone again.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *eminem plays in the background* wow it's been so long look at my fragile small town boys livin' in good ol' georgie southern belle lovelies all lined up in a row waiting for the bombs to fall
> 
> in case you guys wanted to know a huge inspiration for this inner turmoil of a narrative, go listen to **"Suburbs" by Arcade Fire** because honestly that entire song is just Felix's headspace in this thing and once you listen to it you'll totally get Felix and the way his heart is always so heavy my poor boy

Jack woke up before his alarm, sluggish and unhappy, and pretty much still fucking sick. He wasn’t about to ask to be called out again, as he really didn’t want to miss much more school if he could help, it to create a good buffer if he ever wanted to ditch again. And he missed hanging out with his friends, even if they did come visit him at the end of the day.

Jack groaned and peeled himself out of the bed. There was an unhappy noise next to him, and Jack grinned when he recognized it. “Fucking hell,” Jack said. “Almost forgot you were in ‘ere. Didja sleep okay? Did I do anything weird?” Did he have another dream? He couldn’t imagine that happening, since he hadn’t been alone. It just wouldn’t fit the pattern. Jack pushed back the blanket and grinned even wider. “Ye’ look like a kitten.”

“Fuck off,” Felix said, stretching languidly, his shirting riding up his pale stomach. “Feel any better?”

“Well, I ain’t about to die, so that’s a definite plus. But really— did I do anything weird?”

Felix peered up at him like he was skeptical of something. He pushed his hair out of his eyes, then sat up, leaning in to kiss Jack. And fuck, if that wasn’t the best way for Jack to start his day. It was just an innocent press of the lips that lingered long enough for Jack to soak in Felix’s body heat, but it was more than enough. Jack sighed happily through his nose. After a long moment, Felix pulled back. 

“You called me Ken,” Felix said, getting out of bed. The lighthearted feeling Jack had gotten from the kiss died as quickly as it had come. “You’ve done it before,” Felix told him, sounding like he was talking about the weather. “I, uh, talked to Mark, too. Is everything okay?”

“What did ye’ talk about?” Jack asked, sure Felix was referring to the conversation he’d witnessed the other day. He guessed Tyler was right. It was important enough for him to hear of later on. 

Felix bit his lip. Jack realized the Swede had slept in the clothes he’d been wearing the day before. “Need t’ borrow anything?” he asked, sensing Felix’s nervousness. Maybe if he got Felix doing or talking about something else, he’d spill the beans. “I’ve got a couple t-shirts and a jacket that’s clean. Need pants? Not sure you’d fit in my skinny jeans.”

“Calling me fat, Jack?” Felix asked. “Maybe I should go on a diet.”

Jack leveled him with a glare. “Don’t ye’ fuckin’ dare. I want you wider than Violet Beauregarde, ye’ hear me? I want ye’ like the Marshmallow Puff Man. I want ye’ rounder than a beach ball, and I won’t stop till I can’t see a single fuckin’ bone on yer body, understand?”

Felix laughed. “You’re so cute, Jack.”

“Fuck off, I’m not cute, I’m scary.” Jack barred his teeth at Felix in the least-menacing fashion possible, despite his best efforts. “You should be afraid of me, ye’ know. You should be begging fer mercy on your knees.”

“I could get on my knees for another reason, if you’d like.” 

Jack almost tripped over the socks he was trying to put on. Felix laughed again. “Fucking hell.”

“You were the one rambling about sex the other day,” Felix accused. “I’m just trying to give you what you want.” He looked so innocent saying that, like he was suggesting something Jack hated himself for wanting. Jack turned away to try and finish getting dressed. 

“Hey,” Felix called out softly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I… I didn’t know it was bothering you that much.”

“Fuck, that ain’t it,” Jack sighed. “It’s…” He paused. “It, it’s the inconsistency. The mixed signals. I’m all well and good waiting until forever, but having ye’ tease me about it makes me think it’ll happen sooner rather than later, and yet it never does. And that’s fine, Felix, that’s fucking fine, just… I wish I knew what ye’ wanted.”

Jack saw Felix wince. “I’m sorry,” the Swede said. “I just sometimes really think about it, you know? Even though I know better, I can’t always ignore it.”

“Probably because we’re two teenage boys,” Jack said with a roll of his eyes. “It’s, like, engrained in our DNA or our hormones or something. Everyone knows that boys our age only ever think about sex.” He shrugged, trying to show Felix that he didn’t care even though he’d just confessed to caring a little too much. “It’s no pressure, Felix. Honest.”

“Dude, you just told me about how I’m yanking your chain.”

“But if ye’ don’t mean to, I can’t be upset. I, I think there are books on this and shit, and I’m sure Mark knows a lot more than me. People who have been through bad relationships and events need to work through things at their own pace. I ain’t gonna push ye’, and if talking or joking about it like it’s nothing is what’s gonna help you, then I can take a couple hits.”

Felix pursed his lips. “I don’t want you taking hits. And, I mean.” Felix rubbed at the back of his head. “You kinda went through your own thing too. So if me talking about sex, like, triggers something, then…”

Jack cut his eyes away, unable to look at Felix. “I’m fine.”

“Well, you sure haven’t been acting like it.”

“I haven’t been acting any different.”

Felix winced. “That. That isn’t really the case.”

Jack shook his head. “What does that even mean?”

“Mark and I have been talking, Jack, a-and others have noticed. Even my dad was asking about it. I’m not gonna be able to ignore it any longer. Especially not when I’m so fucking close to actually being able to call you mine.” Felix rubbed at his arms, almost as uncomfortable as Jack. “I’m already dicking us over with that stupid list of all my shitty problems. I don’t want you—”

“To hold us back?” Jack narrowed his eyes at his messy bed. “My bad, Felix, never meant to make your life any more difficult.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Felix sighed. “I, I’m bad at this.” Felix tugged at his hair, and Jack suddenly had the urge to take Felix’s hand and keep him from pulling too much. “Fuck,” Felix cursed. “Fuck, Seán. I wish I was someone else. Someone better at this.” Felix paced to the other side of the room. “I wish I was Mark. He’s good at this shit, he knows how to say things and not make people upset. Because I’m not trying to make you mad or accuse you or anything, I’m trying to tell you that I don’t— want— you, you to.” 

Felix threw his hands up and spun around. “ _Jag vill inte att du skra vara som jag._ I don’t want you to end up like me,” he finally got out. “I want you to talk about this as quickly and as e-efficiently and as helpfully as possible. Because if you don’t— if you keep all of it inside and let it fester and, and burn— you will go down the same path I did, and I don’t want that, Seán. I don’t want to see you hurt like that. Yeah?”

Felix moved across the room again to stand in front of Jack. He took Jack’s hands in his and held on tightly to Jack’s wrists. “You don’t want to end up like me,” Felix said with a frantic edge. “All these stupid scars and dumb decisions. Seán, you’re more than this, okay? You’re more than the trauma. You’re more than Ken. I-I want you to talk about it so you can get beyond it and live your life.”

Jack thought it was funny that Felix wanted to be more like Mark when Mark wished to be more like Felix. They were both so different, and yet somehow so alike. Jack was touched by the way Felix was approaching a subject Jack would give anything to not talk about. He just wanted to do exactly as Felix was saying he shouldn’t and turn a blind eye to all of it until it eventually just faded away. What did Felix know, after all? Sure, he’d gone through a lot more, but his trauma had been beaten into his bones over years. Jack’d just had one bad night. He could afford to ignore it.

“Maybe later,” Jack said vaguely. “We should leave soon. Wouldn’t want to be late.”

Felix’s expression fell. “… Wanna get coffee?” he asked after a moment. “We haven’t really done that in a while. Not since…” Jack didn’t finish the statement. They hadn’t gone since Michael had attempted to die. Jack hadn’t spoken to Lilly in weeks, save that quick in-and-out to get her photo. Hell, she didn’t even know that Jack had gathered the courage to ask Felix out. 

“I’d love t’ go,” he said, a small smile growing on his face. “I’ve missed Lilly. Ye’ gonna be jealous?”

Felix scrunched his nose. “Why would I be? Do you wanna make out with her or something?” At the teasing, Felix reached out and gently tangled their fingers together. Jack marveled at the way Felix’s long digits twisted so delicately around his own. He suddenly remembered how he’d held those fingers in his mouth that one night, so long ago. A blush overcame Jack’s cheeks. He belatedly wished he’d been sober. “Jack?”

“Just remembering something,” Jack mumbled, still staring at their hands. “I love you, Felix.”

He looked up in time to see Felix quickly attempt to hide his surprised expression. “Uh, I mean, yeah,” Felix said, fumbling through his words with a blush of his own. “I love you too, dude. Like, I don’t know.” Felix shrugged. Suddenly he was the one looking at their hands. “You and I have been through a lot. You’ve gotten me through a lot more, and I-I want to be able to help you like you’ve helped me.” Felix smiled up at him sadly. “I can only do that if you let me, of course. But I want to at least know that you know you can come to me. Did that make sense?” Felix winced. “Fuck, I really wish you spoke Swedish.”

“Then ye’ wouldn’t be able to insult me like ye’ve done,” Jack reminded him, even as he formulated a plan. It would take a lot of courage and probably a solid amount of awkwardness, but Jack would do it for Felix. “Let’s get some coffee, Fe’,” he said, swinging their hands between their bodies. “I’ve missed my girl. Ye’ know, she and I had this sort of bet-joke thing about who would ask ye’ out first. I’ve got to tell her I won.”

“Wait, shit, I totally forgot she was into me.” Felix winced again. “I’m such an asshole.”

“Nah, ye’ weren’t ever cruel about it.” Jack assured him, going on his toes to kiss Felix’s cheek. It made him a little dizzy. “C’mon, we gotta go. I don’t mind being late to school, but I’d like to avoid getting any further behind on my studies than I am.” 

Felix looked regretful, but he let go of Jack and they both got dressed. Felix pulled Jack down the stairs nonetheless. Jack mostly focused on keeping his balance. He still felt horribly sick, but he wasn’t about to stay home, especially since he suspected Felix would stay home with him. They grabbed their school shit and got in Felix’s truck, a truck that Jack was now associating with a lazy feeling of happiness, and they drove to that familiar coffee shop. Jack felt a little like a hipster, having his special coffee place and his super stylish boyfriend. All he needed was a scarf and some sort of artistic talent. He realized he didn’t take any cold medicine before leaving for the day.

“Fuck,” Jack groaned as Felix pulled the truck up. “I’m gonna die.”

Felix leaned over the seat to kiss Jack quickly. “It’s cool, I’ll probably get sick and die with you. We’ll die slowly together. It’ll be super gross and ugly and we’ll either die from swollen throats or drowning in chicken noodle.”

“Beautiful,” Jack drawled. 

“We’ll be buried side by side.”

“Won’t ye’ be cremated? Because—” he pointed to Felix. “Viking.”

“ _Vad fan._ ”

Jack giggled and left the truck to go into the coffee shop ahead of Felix. He was a little steadier on his feet than he’d been before, and it probably helped that he wasn’t exhausted, the sickness aside. Sleeping beside Felix always did wonders for his fortitude. “I need coffee,” he announced upon seeing Lilly was the only person in the whole shop when he opened the door. “Think I can find some here?”

Lilly’s face lit up like a firework and she shoved her middle finger into the air. “It’s been too fucking long, you asshole! I thought you’d died! Show up for a girl’s picture and then leave without even saying goodbye. Maybe you should have died, because I’m gonna kill you.”

“Came close,” Jack said with a laugh as he went to and leaned onto the counter. “Pretty sick right now. But hey! Big news.” He heard Felix come in after him. He felt Felix stand just a little behind him. Jack grinned and jerked his head to Felix, then waggled his brow suggestively. It took Lilly a moment, but Jack knew she got it when her jaw dropped.

“No way,” she said.

“No way what?” Felix asked. 

“No way,” Lilly repeated. “Prove it.”

Jack held up a finger, then turned to Felix. He took Felix by the hand, looked him deeply in the eyes, and put an arm around Felix’s waist. Felix frowned in confusion, and his mouth opened to ask a question. Before he could, Jack kicked one leg out from under Felix and took the opportunity to dip Felix back. Felix flailed, but Jack somehow held on tightly. He moved his head down and sealed their lips together in a fierce kiss. It was extremely passionate and romantic, even though Felix had an arm out and was holding onto the counter for dear life. 

Jack pulled Felix back up, a little breathless from how strenuous that had been. He grinned at Lilly regardless, then bowed. Lilly had her hands over her mouth, eyes wide in shock, but she was smiling and clapping and laughing mere seconds later. “Holy shit, Jack, you fucking legend!” she exclaimed, barely able to keep herself from bouncing. Jack glanced to Felix and saw how red his face was. Jack grinned even wider. “Jack, Jack,” Lilly said, reaching over the counter to grab his upper arm. “You have. To tell. Me everything.”

“He’s the best fucking boyfriend ever and I’d kill for him,” Jack said without hesitation. Felix let out this sputtered noise beside him. “Also, he’s sexy as all fucking hell. And did I mention that he’s super exotic? And Swedish. You know what they say about the Swedish.”

Lilly nodded sagely. “They are the epitome of caucasian perfection.”

“Can I just get some coffee?” Felix asked in a strangled voice. “I, I hope no one saw that. There’s no one else in here, right?”

“Awh, you guys aren’t out?” Lilly asked with a pout as she started making their usual drinks. “I mean, I totally understand why. After what you two went through when you first lived here, I won’t blame you for keeping it a secret. I just wish you guys could be happy and be out and stuff. God knows you deserve to be. You should come out in front of that woman’s house. A middle finger to the way she fucked you guys over.”

“You know about that?” Felix asked with a nervous edge.

“I told her,” Jack said. “I just, I wanted to. She’s trustworthy. And cool.” Jack bit his lip. “Hope that’s okay, I guess. I think I’ve told, like, five people in this whole town. It’s a very slight number.”

“I don’t care if they know,” Felix sighed. He sat at one of the stools at the bar. “I don’t, I just. There’s evil people in this town. I don’t want them finding out.”

Jack bit his lip and remembered something Amy had said. About wondering if she’d ever passed by the man who had raped Michael somewhere in the town. Felix knew better than Jack did about the kind of people that lived here. 

“You’ll both be out of here some day,” Lilly said. “Just don’t forget about lil’ old Lilly, yeah? You got a Facebook, Jack? Instagram? I’d love to be able to keep in contact with you.” Jack slid his phone across the counter after plugging in the password. “You’re the best, sweetie.”

“Sweetie?” Jack raised a brow. 

“My mom’s back in town,” she said as she slid Felix’s drink across the bar and traded it for Jack’s phone. She tapped away at the screen. “She’s much more southern belle than I am, but I tend to pick up some of her accent when she’s around.” She handed Jack back his phone. “Dude, I am so fucking ecstatic! I hope you two get out of this shitty town, have, like, a million babies, and retire to expensive rocking chairs where you’ll sit and relax side by side until you’re a hundred twenty.”

“Jesus christ, who want’s to live that long?” Felix asked with a grimace. “Like, no offense Jack, no offense at all, but can you imagine living that long? You can’t fucking travel or anything after eighty or whatever, it’d just be forty years of staring at white walls. Can people over a hundred even have sex?”

“Your dick stops working after sixty, I thought,” Jack mused aloud.

“Lucky for us girls, vaginas don’t have a time limit.” She went about making the drinks with a grin on her face. “Also, there is Viagra. Talk to your doctor and see if male libido enhancement pills are right for you.”

“I’ve always wanted to take Viagra and see what happens if my boner goes past four hours,” Jack told her. “I feel like I’ll become some sort of wizard.”

“Jack, sweetie, you know the only way you can become a wizard is if you’re a virgin at thirty.”

“Is this what you guys talk about?” Felix asked, visibly bewildered. “This weird shit? This is what your friendship is all about?”

“Don’t kink shame us,” Lilly chided as she pushed Jack’s completed drink across the counter.

“What the fuck.”

Jack laughed “It’s all for fun, Felix. She and I got the same shitty sense of humor. Her puns are fucking on point, you know. She’s a master pun-spinner.”

“Prove it.”

“I choose not to expose my powers when people are not ready,” Lilly denied, shaking her head. “I am sorry, dear Swedish boy, but you are ill-prepared for what will come.” She finished Felix’s drink and handed it to him before finishing Jack’s with more whipped cream than was standard. “And anyways, I’ll just choke. I always choke.”

Jack hummed and nodded. “Maybe it’s a good thing I won the bet, then,” he said with a suggestive waggle of his brow before un-subtly cutting his eyes to the front of Felix’s pants.

Lilly gasped her offense. “Jack, you asshole! My stage fright has nothing to do with my blow job abilities!” Felix choked on his mouthful of coffee and grabbed a napkin to keep from spilling it all over his shirt. Lilly cackled, but the mirth quickly turned into remorse. “I’m so sorry, Jack, I almost killed your boyfriend.”

Jack laughed and pat Felix on the back to help him get the coffee out of his lungs. “He’ll be fine, he’ll be fine. We have to get to class anyways, so maybe the near-death experience will help wake him up.”

“I was totally awake, I fucking hate you both.”

“Hush, Felix, only dreams now.”

Lilly leaned over the counter, watching them with a dopey smile. “I really am happy for you both,” she said softly. “I don’t know if anyone’s told you, but you look good together. And you both really are something amazing for coming back after what happened. I’m rooting for you both, okay? Don’t let those assholes bring you any further down than they did before. And don’t be afraid to kick a woman between the legs. Works just as well as it does on men.”

“You sound like you’re talking from experience.”

“I was a spitfire wild child, Jack, I’ve had my fair share of rodeos.”

Felix finally righted himself from where he’d been hunched over to cough. He had tears in his eyes. He waved to Lilly, then hit his chest a couple times to recover. “Fuck, that was awful,” he wheezed out. “Jack, Jack, you have to drive, I think I’m actually dying.”

“Ye’ haven’t taught me how yet,” Jack reminded him with a pout. “You’ll be fine. Better off than I would.”

“I can see it,” Felix whispered. “That bright blue tunnel of the afterlife. Vonnegut— avenge me.”

“What?”

“It’s a book, Jack.”

“You know I don’t read.”

“Illiterate bastard,” Lilly said.

Jack sent her the bird, then rubbed Felix’s back one last time. “Ye’ good now?”

“I’m good, I’m good,” Felix said. He raised what was left of his coffee into the air at Lilly. “Thanks for this.” Then he pulled out his wallet, ready to pay, but Lilly waved him off. Felix raised a brow. “I don’t wanna steal.”

“My uncle owns this joint, he’s cool with me doing stuff like this for friends.” She gave them a wink. “Have fun at school, boys! Don’t grow up too fast!”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Jack replied with a wide smile. They got back into the truck and Felix drove in silence, though he occasionally cleared his throat and thumped his chest again. Jack would’ve felt bad if he weren’t still riding the high from the kiss he’d given Felix. He hadn’t realized how much he wants to be with Felix publicly until he’d done that. Having the gall to kiss Felix whenever, wherever. It was a little like a dream come true to him. The fact that Felix hadn’t pushed him away felt amazing, but Felix had said he was relieved no one had seen the kiss. He understood why Felix was against going public, he understood his reasons completely, but Jack still couldn’t help himself from wishing. He just wouldn’t push.

“You think you’ll ever kiss me at school?” Jack asked. Apparently sick-Jack didn’t agree with smart-Jack and decided pushing was completely acceptable, even if the question did make Felix looked a little more tired. “Not, like, saying ye’ have to. Just want t’ know. I know why you wouldn’t.”

“It’s complicated,” Felix said as he parked.

“Everything’s complicated.”

Felix sighed. “You’re not wrong.”

Jack watched him for a moment. They had five minutes before the first bell would go off. “Do you think… maybe some day…” He trailed off, unable to word his thoughts in a way that wouldn’t start some sort of argument. This was a sensitive subject for Felix, and Jack had thought he was fine with being hidden away not ten fucking minutes ago. It almost felt like a mood swing. 

“If you think I’m not coming out for myself, you’re wrong,” Felix said after a second. “I couldn’t care less anymore, okay? Everyone already thinks I’m a drug addict and a cheater and I was out with Ken, so it’s not like me being bi is an unknown either. It’s you.”

Jack frowned. “What about me?”

Felix ran a hand through his hair. He stared out the windshield, at the car in front of them, for a long time. He was probably having just as much difficulty with translating his thoughts as Jack was. Hell, maybe Felix thought entirely in Swedish and he was _literally_ translating his thoughts as he spoke. 

“… The people here are hit or miss,” Felix finally began to explain. “They either love you or they hate you. Most adults are gonna be superficially polite no matter what they think of you cause that’s a southern thing, you know that.” Jack nodded because of course he did. “The kids are different. They, they’re like all kids. All teens. They act first and think later and, like, there’s nothing actually wrong with that, but it’s dangerous. I mean, I’ve seen kids push each other down concrete stairs because of one badly worded sentence. They’re volatile. All teenagers are.”

“Except for you.”

Felix snorted. “Dude, I broke Ken’s truck windows. I’m pretty fucking volatile.”

Jack shrugged. “I wouldn’t really agree with ye’ there. Volatile makes me think of unhinged, irrational people. Ye’ had a pretty good reason to smash the windows.” Jack sat up in his seat. “Plus, you’ve already proven yourself to be one of the most mature kids our age that I’ve ever known. Making all of these grown up decisions no matter how badly it fucks you up, putting others first, having the wherewithal to choose yer battles. And yeah, maybe you’ve neglected some things that shouldn’t be brushed aside, but you’re nearly an orphan without the death certificates and ye’ can’t be expected to be the perfect adult at eighteen. So maybe you see yourself as volatile, but I can promise ye’ that no one else does. Mark told me that no one sees ye’ as a kid. Or a teen. They see you as an adult. It’s why they don’t bother with you most of the time.”

Felix was watching him with a guarded expression. “They really think that of me?”

“Uhm, yeah.” Jack wasn’t sure if that had been a good thing to tell him. “They, they just let ye’ be because they probably feel like they can’t boss ye’ around. I don’t think they feel sorry for you or anything, but they just get this vibe that ye’ shouldn’t be fucked with.”

Felix grimaced. “I dunno. What Ken did at the party hardly seems like someone who knows I shouldn’t be fucked with.”

“Ken and his shitty friends are different. They hate ye’.”

Felix groaned and leaned forward to knock his forehead on the steering wheel. “Where did it all go wrong, Seán?” he asked in a whisper, the sound loud in Jack’s ears in the quiet of the truck. The first bell rang off in the distance. “Where did it all go so wrong?”

Jack’s heart went out to him. He put his hand on the back of Felix’s neck and squeezed gently. “Doesn’t matter now,” he told Felix. “I know it feels like it does, but it don’t. The bullying, the trauma, the scars.” He looked to Felix’s hips and felt some satisfaction in knowing that Felix hadn’t added a cut. He had faith in the promise Felix had made. “You’re alive and you’re still going and ye’ve got one year left. Then you and I are out of here. Or staying. Whichever you want.”

Felix sighed heavily again. “You know the same goes for you, right?”

“Huh?” Jack frowned. “What do ye’ mean?”

Felix turned his head against the wheel to look at Jack with those gorgeous blue eyes. “All of this. All that has happened. It’ll be behind you one day. You’ll be okay again. You’ll sleep again.”

Jack tensed. “I told ye’ I’d talk about that with ye’ later.”

“Why do I get the feeling that you’ll just ignore it unless I bring it up?”

Jack huffed and crossed his arms over his chest. “Cause ye’ know me too well.”

Felix smiled sadly. Then he leaned over the middle console and pressed the softest of kisses to the angle of Jack’s jaw. “We’ve got, like, two minutes to run to class,” he told Jack. “Race ya?”

Jack bounded out of the cab and was sprinting to the school before Felix could even remind him that he’d left his backpack and coffee behind.

. . .

Back in his room, at the end of the day, Jack stared at the green light next to a familiar name on his Skype. Felix was back at Brad’s helping Michael fill out applications, which worked out perfectly for Jack. But then again, Felix would’ve helped with the nerves. He had half a mind to call Mark and ask for him to supervise this, but Mark was having some alone time with Amy that he definitely deserved, so Jack was on his own. That damn green light stared him down. It was seven PM here, around two AM there. Why was he even still up?

Jack wrung his fingers together before hitting the icon and typing out a greeting. After a moment, the message was shown to have been read, but after another minute there was still no response. Jack drummed his fingers nervously on the desk. He was about to send a second message when a call flashed on his screen.

“Fuck,” he said to himself. He’d expected a distant text conversation, not this face-to-face bullshit. He wondered how different he looked now, even though it had only been a few months. He wondered what he would say. Jack couldn’t very well ignore him now, so he accepted the call and quickly tried to fix his hair in the reflection of his screen before the call started. 

Robin didn’t look any different. The room he was in was dark and the light of Robin’s computer made his face look a little more severe with shadows, but he didn’t seem angry or anything, so that was a good sign. Jack bit his lip hesitantly before waving and giving a weak, “hey.”

 _“Hello, Jack,”_ Robin said, his tone neutral as all hell. _“Did you need something?”_

God, Jack didn’t know how he was going to have this work now that it included their faces and voices. This was just a whole new level added to what could already serve to be a very awkward conversation between them. “So, uh, I know I haven’t really spoken to ye’ since I left.”

Robin shrugged. _“It’s fine. We broke up, after all.”_

“Well, yeah, but people can still be friends after that, especially when there’s distance.” Jack didn’t know why he was trying to apologize to Robin, though, after what Felix had made Jack aware of. Jack still felt the residual sting in his chest in knowing that what he and Robin had shared had been much more real for him than it was for the other. “Guess it doesn’t really matter to ye’, though,” he said, unable to deny himself the pettiness. 

Robin looked to the screen with an unreadable expression. Jack decided there was no reason to beat around it. If anything, he had leverage. 

“I’m gonna ask ye’ a favor,” he told Robin, not letting himself sound anything but confident, even as his heart raced with anxiety. “And I know you’re gonna do it, cause you owe me.”

 _“Owe you for what?”_ Robin asked with practiced neutrality. The dude had always had a fantastic poker face.

“I know that ye’ tricked me,” Jack replied. “I know that you never once said you actually loved me even when you acted like ye’ had. You straight up lied t’ my face about what words meant. You took advantage of my ignorance to get what you wanted from me, whatever that was.” Sex. His body. It didn’t matter. Jack kept telling himself it didn’t matter. “You used me,” he said. 

Robin didn’t respond for a long time, didn’t even move. Jack was almost worried that the call had froze or even dropped. 

_“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”_

Jack sighed heavily. Despite his disdain, he actually believed Robin when he said that the kid never wanted to hurt anyone. If anything, he’d been more of a coward than malicious. “Maybe so, doesn’t change what ye’ did and how wrong it was,” he told Robin. “It honestly doesn’t matter to me anymore.” He had much better things to look forward to. “All I need to know is that you’ll help me.”

_“Help you with what?”_

“You’re gonna teach me Swedish.”

Robin frowned, probably trying to figure out what Jack would need to learn Swedish for. And Robin was a smart kid. It showed on his face when it clicked. _“Are you and Felix friends again?”_

“Boyfriends,” Jack said, letting a smile come to his face. Felix was something to be proud of. Robin had heard the stories because Jack hadn’t been able to shut up about Felix in the very beginning, regardless of his need to “move on.” Being able to say Felix was his boyfriend was nothing but a monumental achievement. It also helped Jack feel like he could put himself above what Robin had done. Like he was saying “I see what you did to me— look how much better I did without you.” It was a little spiteful, but Jack needed to be a little selfish these days. If he didn’t, he’d make the mistake of thinking he deserved the things that had been wrongfully done to him. 

Robin looked almost like he didn’t trust him. _“I find it difficult to believe that you actually got over yourself enough to apologize to him.”_

“Robin!” Jack gasped in offense. “I can’t believe ye’d think that of me!”

Robin cracked the tiniest of grins. _“You stole literally ate my breakfast out from under me one day and blamed it on me by saying I’d put my plate too close to your own.”_

“They’d been super close!”

_“You’d had cereal, I’d had pancakes. There was no way you could just forget the physical difference between the two.”_

Jack huffed, crossing his arms over his chest in mock-anger. “Even so! You owe me.” He pointed an accusing finger at Robin. “Ye’ took advantage of me. Now you’re gonna make it up to me and teach me the Swedish that you oh so cruelly used against me. I can’t help the fact that I’m practically illiterate in my own language, let alone a second. I was an innocent little boy.”

 _“An innocent little boy taking my virginity,”_ Robin said with a roll of his eyes. 

“Like ye’ didn’t love it.”

 _“We’re not having this conversation.”_ Robin smiled wider. _“You know Swedish isn’t the easiest thing to learn from English. You’d be better off with something in your language group, like a Romantic language or maybe even a Germanic one, though that would be murder on your grammar-wise. Didn’t you want to learn Korean at one point?”_

“It has to be Swedish,” Jack said. “You know why.”

_“Why can’t Felix teach you himself?”_

“Because I’m learning it _for_ Felix,” Jack said. “And I want it to be a surprise. He has this thing where he gets scared and says stuff in Swedish if he feels like it isn’t safe for other people to hear. If I learn Swedish, he can talk to me safely in all environments. It’s for him.”

 _“Why would he need to worry about something being safe?”_ Robin frowned. _“Is the teacher still a problem? It’s been so long…”_

Jack wished his problems extended only as far as that damn teacher. He wished things were as simple as a homophobic Bible-thumper. He wished Felix was only still reeling from the kiss under the stairs and nothing else. “He’s got other shit,” Jack said. “Can’t really say any of it is his fault.” He’d dated a bad person in a desperate attempt to heal and had pulled his brutalized friend from a hole in the ground. His parents were gone. There were a lot of reasons for Felix to not feel safe. “Just agree t’ teach me,” he said. “We’ll do it over messaging if you’d prefer, and I promise I’ll do whatever homework you assign.”

_“Do you want to learn the language from the basics or do you want to start with anything specific?”_

Jack bit his lip. “Start with things I can say to him,” he decided after a moment. “Nice things. Good things. Things that you’d say to someone you love.”

Robin nodded. He pulled out a notebook from somewhere on his desk and started to write. _“I’ve got a few ideas.”_

“Not the things ye’ really said to me, right?”

Robin paused. _“… Maybe I lied about say I loved you, but I never said anything mean. I never insulted you or ridiculed you. I just… I couldn’t say that word. For my own reasons. You were in love with someone else and I… I don’t want to say that I felt like you were lying to me, but it’s really hard to know that you’re the other guy.”_

Jack didn’t know what to say to that. 

_“I’ll help you with the Swedish,”_ Robin said. _“I’ll message you some nice phrases you can say to him, but I want you to pay close attention to the pronunciation guidelines I give you and say them back to me carefully next time we Skype before you say it to Felix. Wouldn’t want you looking like an idiot in front of your soulmate.”_

Jack flushed at the title. It felt more like a crown to wear than a cross to bear. Some sort of thrill went through him in Robin being the one to acknowledge that he and Felix were perfect together. Jack felt a little bad for Robin having felt so much like a rebound, but he felt like they’d been kids back then. They’d been too young to work anyways. 

_“I’m sending you some phrases now, in fact,”_ Robin said. _“Do you know how to say you love someone?”_

“Do you?” Jack asked with a bit of a grin. Maybe he shouldn’t fall back into old habits with Robin again, but it was hard to stay mad at this kid. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding, I do, Felix told me the world. _Jag älskar dig, _yeah? Probably said it wrong.”__

___“Good enough,”_ Robin assured him. _“Though… I mean, Felix hates me now, doesn’t he? He knows exactly what I did. He probably thinks I’m the worst person ever by now.”__ _

__“Maybe,” Jack said with a shrug. “Honestly, can’t see him caring enough to hate you for long. Especially after he finds out you helped me. Doesn’t that sound nice? Not having Felix hate you? You don’t want Felix to hate you, he broke someone’s car window for me.”_ _

__Robin looked alarmed. _“What have you gotten yourself into?”__ _

__“Nothing I can’t handle,” Jack assured him. “Really, my main problem is just realizing I have a thing for gorgeous Swedes. Two out of two seems like a pattern at this point.”_ _

___“Three’s a problem,”_ Robin replied. _“Though I can’t imagine you leaving Felix.”__ _

__Jack nodded his agreement, scrolling through the phrases Robin had sent him. “This is my homework,” he murmured. “Same time next week? Should I call you something more official? Teacher Robin? Professor Robin? Is this gonna be a porn?”_ _

___“Uhm, I have a boyfriend,”_ Robin said in his best valley-girl impression._ _

__Jack’s eyes went wide. “Do ye’?”_ _

___“Well, I mean.”_ Robin scratched at his nose, a tick he had whenever he was hiding something. _“There’s a guy, but it’s not official yet, and I might be moving back to Sweden for my studies. I didn’t want to go into anything too quickly, unlike you. Then again, I guess you never really left Felix in the first place.” Robin shook his head, but he was smiling. “You never stopped talking about him. I’m gad it worked out, dude. You were such a basket case. I’m glad you got over yourself.”__ _

__Jack couldn’t argue. He just grinned. “Thanks for agreeing to teach me. Not like I didn’t blackmail you or anything, right?”_ _

___“I’m going to bed,”_ Robin said. _ _

__“It’s, like, midnight, ye’ should’ve been in bed ages ago.”_ _

___“Like we ever want to bed on time.”_ Robin waved a small goodbye. _“Good talking to you, Jack. Same time next week.”_ Robin ended the call, leaving Jack with a feeling satisfaction. He hadn’t realized how much he wanted to at least get some sort of closure with Robin until it had happened. It felt good. Really fucking good._ _

__Jack sat back in his chair with a grin._ _

__But then he looked to his bed._ _

__He didn’t want to go to sleep._ _

__Felix had tried valiantly to talk to Jack about his nightmares, the torment in Jack’s mind, but Jack had stubbornly refused all help, and now he was going to face another night of agony alone. Or, he could just not sleep. Jack grimaced at the thought. He was so tired._ _

__It was seven at night. He normally wouldn’t go to bed so early, but maybe, if he fell asleep early too, he’d get some inkling of rest before the nightmares struck in the dead of night. Jack felt stupid, sitting at his desk, debating fucking sleep. It just seemed so stupid to be so scared of something as simple as falling asleep. It was so unfair. Then again, it was also some sort of retribution. He wondered how many nightmares Felix had suffered alone. It only made sense that Jack should handle this on his own._ _

__He went to bed with that thought repeated in his hand. He deserved to be alone in this, just as Felix had been. He deserved to be alone._ _

__. . ._ _

__He woke up at midnight in a cold sweat, Ken’s name on his tongue, and a figure above his bed. Jack didn’t even need to think about who it was. He reached out, aware of tears of panic in his eyes. He didn’t remember the dreams, he just remembered they were fucking awful, and Felix was the only thing that could help, no matter how much Jack tried to deny it._ _

__Felix fell into bed beside him, gathering Jack into his arms. “You left your window unlocked,” Felix told him. “That’s dangerous, dude. There are bad people in town.”_ _

__“Let them break in,” Jack said, his voice shaking, breath coming in short gasps. “Fuck, Felix, my stupid fucking head. I keep telling myself I can do it, I’m fine, but the things I see—”_ _

__“You’re safe, Seán.”_ _

__“No, I’m not, I’m fucking not.” Jack clung to the back of Felix’s shirt. “How the fuck am I supposed to be safe when he’s still fucking there, in my head? God, Felix, I don’t know what he’s doing in my head, I don’t know what he’s doing, I hardly went through anything bad compared to you, compared to what Michael’s survived, compared to everyone. Why the fuck do I keep dreaming about it?”_ _

__“Because people just don’t forget the bad shit,” Felix explained gently, running his fingers through Jack’s hair. “You know that, right? People don’t just forget these things. They don’t forget fear or pain or heartache. They don’t just move on because the logical brain says they should be fine. We’re not like that, Seán, no one is, and no one should be. Stop pushing yourself to limits you can’t reach. Not with this.”_ _

__Felix pulled back to look Jack in the eye. “You know you’re strong,” he murmured. “You have to. Stop trying to make yourself into something inhuman.” He smiled sadly in the dark, helping Jack wrestle with demons Felix had known for a long time. “You’re not gonna be okay. Okay? You’re just not. Just like I’m still not okay two years later for some stupid lady with ugly glasses and the chin of a witch. All this shit that happens, all this trauma— it makes us into different and sometimes better people because it makes us face the fact that we’re fucked up and imperfect and we’re never gonna be okay. Not like we were before. You become a better person when you learn to live with what they did to you.”_ _

__Jack stared at him, hating every word he said, regardless of how true it all was. He hated it because he knew Felix was right and he hated that someone his age, anyone, not just Felix, already knew such harrowing things._ _

__“Stop pushing yourself, Seán,” Felix insisted gently. “Stop trying to force, like, improvement just because you think you see it in me and Michael. There has been absolutely no improvement and it’s been years for me.” Felix shook his head with this self-deprecating laugh that Jack despised. He wondered if Felix found it just as frustrating to watch Jack push himself as Jack found it to watch him. “You’re not gonna be okay for a long time,” Felix said. “The more you avoid thinking about the lack of improvement, the better it’s gonna be when you suddenly wake up one day and realize you slept through the night without a hitch. Just wait for that day, okay? Don’t avoid it. Don’t fight it. Just roll with the punches and you’ll learn to take the hits. It’s stupid to swing back at something that doesn’t have any fists.”_ _

__Jack shook his head, sinking into Felix and the bed, finally. At least listening to Felix’s wisdom had distracted him from the nightmare he didn’t remember. The quiet of his room gave him no choice but to try and understand what Felix had said. Was he really just fighting back without a cause? What was he even trying to fight? Biology? Nightmares he couldn’t recall? Felix made it sound like the whole thing was pointless, and it was starting to feel that way to Jack too. But…_ _

__“I can’t sleep, even if I try,” Jack murmured. “When I sleep alone, I always see shit and then I can’t get any rest. Maybe I’m supposed to be okay with the fear, but that doesn’t mean I can sleep after.”_ _

__“Just alone?” Felix raised a teasing brow. His hand came down from Jack’s hair to wrap around the side of his neck, his thumb brushing the underneath of Jack’s jaw. “I mean… I could try and guarantee that you won’t be alone most nights. But I don’t think you’re gonna get any better with someone holding your hand, you know?”_ _

__“Like no one held yours?”_ _

__Felix paused. Then the thumb moved from Jack’s jaw to the other side of Jack’s neck, like Felix was holding his entire head. Felix looked into Jack for a long time, and Jack let him. He didn’t know what Felix was seeing, but his hands were warm and Jack’s heartbeat was languid and slow with sleep._ _

__“I like to think that one day you’ll forgive yourself for leaving,” Felix said. “Because I forgave you a long time ago.”_ _

__“Well, I guess I’m just better at holding grudges than you.”_ _

__Felix shook his head, but he kept smiling. “Pretty sure the saying is forgive and forget, not hold a grudge against yourself like a fucking dumbass.” The thumb returned to the underneath of Jack’s jaw. It brushed across Jack’s skin lovingly. “You and I are gonna get you a dream journal or something and then I’m gonna make you drop that grudge or die trying.”_ _

__Jack grimaced. “Please don’t put yourself and the word ‘die’ in the same sentence. Triggers me. I live by the personal belief that you should never die. In fact, I’m just gonna go ahead and claim your right to immortality, you being a Norse god and all.”_ _

__Felix laughed. “I’m Swedish, not Norwegian.”_ _

__“The Swedish were Norse.”_ _

__“Well, yeah, but it was mostly the Norwegians.”_ _

__“What about the Danish?”_ _

__Felix pulled a face. “Fuck the Danish.”_ _

__Jack grinned and lied his hand atop the one Felix was touching him with. He turned his face into Felix’s palm, nuzzling into him like a cat, and pressing a kiss to the pad of Felix’s index finger. “Sleep with me?” he asked, letting his words ghost across Felix’s skin. The other boy watched him with a dreamy gaze, nodding his response. “Tired again,” Jack said, falling onto his side, smiling up at Felix from the mattress. He opened his arms, backing Felix down with him. Felix lied against his side, sharing a pillow with Jack. “I’m totally not okay,” Jack said after a moment._ _

__“And that’s okay,” Felix assured him. “You won’t be for a long time. You won’t be the same ever again. But that doesn’t mean you can’t still be the person you want to be.”_ _

__Jack nodded and shut his eyes with a confidence that, at the very least, he’d get the rest he needed._ _


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *jamming out to FOB* long live the car crash hearts my friends
> 
> i've given up on caring about the lengths of these but rest assured i'll (probably) never post a chapter over 20k

“Just hear me out,” Ethan was saying from across the lunch table. Jack was sitting beside Felix with his legs kicked up and resting on the table itself, leaning into Felix as inconspicuously as possible, making it seem like a matter of consequence rather than desire. Their lunch table was packed, after all, with the additions of Michael and Felix. These stupid things only allowed so many kids. 

“Double date,” Ethan continued. “You, me, Felix, and Tyler.” Jack appreciated Ethan keeping his voice low enough so that no other surrounding tables could hear them. “We’d go to that nice Italian place, maybe bribe the waiter into serving us wine in kid’s cups with straws so people will think it’s juice. Hit up a movie beforehand, really set into that suburban gay couple vibe.”

“Why can’t Mark and I come along?” Amy asked with a pout.

“Emphasis on previously used word ‘gay,’ and also a gentle reminder that three’s company.”

“You’re already four.”

“But we’re two pairs of two— you and Mark would be three pairs of two, bringing me back to my original claim of three being company. Also, when you have a triple date, it ends up looking more like a friend thing. Like that group of coworkers that barely know one another but go to dinner anyways because that’s the only way adults can make friends. We’re not there yet, Amy.”

Amy looked disappointed that she couldn’t argue Ethan’s logic.

“Sorry, Ethan, but my first date with Felix isn’t going to be a double date,” Jack said, deciding he’d shoot this down where it stood. “He and I aren’t even actually together.”

Everyone else at the table groaned loudly, even Michael. Felix looked a little guilty as he shrank into his seat. Jack leveled everyone with a glare his mother would’ve been proud of. “If I get any more flack from any of ye’, heads are gonna roll.”

“But you basically are together,” Kathryn said. She was sitting next to Michael, going through a pack of nail polish she’d bought over the weekend to accommodate Michael’s new addiction, and also make up for Michael’s blunder in thinking you could mix colored polish like paint to get something new and functional. “Saying you’re not over and over again isn’t healthy for a relationship.”

“We’re not,” Jack insisted, keeping his voice low. “Just shut up about it.” He didn’t want to look at Felix and see how upset he is. Jack knew that everyone else was getting tired of them dancing around an official relationship, but Jack wasn’t about to explain the ordeal to them. Not when Mark and Tyler watched Felix with a sharpness that suggested they were trying to see through his clothes for new cuts, just as Jack was. The list was incomplete. “You’re fine, Felix,” he muttered, still glaring. He felt Felix shift against him, then pull away. Jack let himself nearly fall part-way out of his chair in a momentary fit of apathy for how unfair his friends were being.

“How could you do this to me,” he deadpanned as he hung out of the chair, arms still crossed over his chest, refusing to be the one to actually move. Felix wasn’t looking at him, but quite a few other people were, including people not at his table. “I trusted you.”

Felix still didn’t answer, so Jack forced himself up with a sigh and a huge amount of exertion in his stomach muscles. He should probably start running with Felix, make it a habit like the Swede had. “See what y’all did?” Jack asked everyone else, packing the remnants of his and Felix’s lunch onto his tray. “We were have a good time. Doing good things. Everything was dandy, and then ye’ had to go being a bunch o’ jackasses.”

“Sorry, Felix,” Kathryn said with an edge of sincerity that surprised him. While she basically saw Michael as her child now, she still wasn’t very cool with Felix himself. “I didn’t mean to pry.”

“It’s fine,” Felix said, hiding behind his hair. “It’s mostly my fault, anyways.”

Jack slapped his thigh. “None of that, now.”

“We really were just being dicks,” Mark added. 

“Total dicks,” Ethan agreed. “I’m really good at being a dick. Almost as good as I am with them.”

“Ethan, all I want is one day of you not making a fucking sex joke,” Tyler sighed wearily, sounding like the sentence had been punched out of him. “Just one.”

“That’s like asking him to hold his breath for ten minutes,” Amy snorted.

“That’s like asking him to leap a burning building,” Kathryn added.

“That, that is like.” Michael’s eyes darted around as he tried to think of an appropriate analogy to add. “Ah, too bad. All my quips are not in English.”

Kathryn pat him on the arm and showed him another color. His eyes lit up with happiness and his disappointment melted away, like a dog being given a treat even after failing a trick. And Felix was watching closely, as he always did with Michael, like he was trying to learn how to bring the same happiness to Michael’s eyes on his own. At least the guilt wasn’t there anymore. Their friends were fantastically skilled in the art of distraction and conversational avoidance. 

“Okay, well, hear me out again,” Ethan suddenly spoke up, effectively ruining any progress the others had made in bringing the conversation away from Felix’s source of guilt. “You and Felix, on a date. An actual one. Treat it like the first date most people have, where they’re not official either. Just go out in the town and enjoy yourselves and get a feel for, like, being a normal couple.”

“We are a normal couple,” Jack defended. Mark laughed sharply in disbelief, then quickly covered his mouth after realizing how rude that had been. 

“We’re just gonna brush past that little piece of sad ignorance, and go back to the super boring date thing,” Ethan insisted. “Take Felix out for a night on the town and treat the girl right.”

“Why am I the girl?” Felix whined.

“What’s wrong with being the girl?” Amy asked.

“The stereotype that Jack would have to pay.” Felix sat up straight with a grimace, then reopened his position for Jack to lean on him once more. Jack inwardly cheered at the silent acceptance and braced himself against Felix’s shoulder again with a haughty grin. “I have more money than I know what to do with, thanks to my dad. If I have to spend it on something, I’d like it to be Jack.”

“What, and not actually stock yer home with groceries? Ye’ve got orange juice that’s two days expired at this point, Fe’, ye’ gotta start putting shit in your fridge.”

“I won’t eat it.”

“I’m gonna fucking buy a shovel and force it all into ye’, you understand me? Buy fucking groceries.” He practically felt Felix roll his eyes. 

“Groceries mean you can throw dinner parties,” Michael said with wide, excited eyes and a gentle gasp. “We, you, host. There could be a host. Party. The ones with death and acting.”

It took them all a minute. “You want me to throw a murder mystery?” Felix asked, having been the first to figure out what Michael had meant. “Are you kidding? If I get any fake blood on the carpet, my dad will kill me. So unless you know how to fake a murder without any obvious clues that doesn’t involve a shit ton of fake blood, let me know and I’ll set something up.”

Michael grinned wider. “Brad would know how.”

“Brad’s favorite serial killer is Albert fucking Fish, I’m not taking any murder advice from him.”

Amy perked up. “Brad likes serial killers?”

“Amy, no,” Mark protested dully. 

“He likes Albert Fish?” Amy pressed. “The Werewolf of Wysteria? The Gray Man?”

“He wrote a, a paper on him,” Michael said. “Received high grade.”

“He used to have the damn thing framed on his wall until Em told him to take it down for morbidity’s sake.” Felix shook his head. “Bad taste, if you ask me, after everything. You know he’s got books on serial killers on his coffee table, right? The fucker wanted to be a criminal profiler or whatever.”

“He would have been very good at it,” Michael added almost sadly. 

“Guys, we’re getting off track,” Ethan interjected. “Does no one else support my idea of Jack taking Felix on a legitimate date?” Tyler looked mildly uncomfortable beside Ethan, which meant he probably hadn’t told Ethan about Felix’s newly-discovered and horrible coping mechanism. Jack was pretty sure Mark hadn’t told Amy, either. He appreciated the tact, but he also felt a little bad for putting them in this situation. Ethan wouldn’t be suggesting this, putting Felix and Jack somewhere public, if he understood the sheer depth of what was wrong. 

“I think they should wait until they’re ready to do that sort of thing of their own volition,” Mark hedged carefully. Jack waved his hand in the air, as if reminding Mark that they were sitting right there, no need to talk about them like they were absent. Mark winced. “I mean, I think _you both_ should wait until you feel like you’re ready. All things, you know. Considered.”

Jack was about to agree when Felix interrupted him. “We should try.” 

Jack’s eyes snapped to Felix’s face, taking in the shield Felix had thrown up to erase any expression he could have shown. He was looking far too neutral. He was trying to act like it didn’t bother him. He was… he was trying to _convince Jack_ it didn’t bother him, holy shit, Felix actually wanted to take him out on a date. 

He heaved a breath, tilting his head back so he could look up at the ceiling. “Kids usually do this shit on Fridays, right?” He felt Felix nodded. “Alright. Friday. Pick me up at six. Make a man out of me.”

“I said I was gonna pay.”

“Woman, then. Make an honest woman out of me.”

“You’re the furthest thing from an honest woman,” Amy snickered. 

“Wow, never could have guessed that,” Jack drawled. “Especially not after holding my actual fucking penis in my hands this morning to take a piss.” He felt Felix choked on his tongue beside him and grinned as Felix hacked up a lung. “I’m hilarious,” he told Amy confidently as Amy gave him a shrewd look. 

“Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” Ethan asked. 

“No, but I kiss Felix, and he’s naughty enough to handle it.” More choking. Jack was going to look forward to Friday if he could spend the entire date nearly killing Felix with laughter and embarrassment. He looked over to the Swede and smiled at how red in the face he was. Then he mentally went through a checklist and wondered if he could get away with buying Felix flowers and still letting himself be the girl of the date.

. . .

“You cleaned up nicely,” Felix said that Friday evening as Jack climbed into the truck, dressed in brown slacks, a white button-up, and a blue jacket. “Let me guess— your dad’s?”

Jack grinned back at him and eyed Felix’s similar outfit, only in black. “Of course. Same as yours, I’m thinking.”

“Like I’d ever own anything this fucking business casual.”

Felix drove them downtown. “What do you even want?” he asked. “Like, southern? Local? Mediterranean? Uh, I-Italian?” Felix winced. “I didn’t really plan anything because I don’t know what you like when it comes to actual upscale stuff. Like, we never did upscale. You once ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich you dropped in a fucking river, I don’t know what kind of fancy stuff you eat.”

“Way to bring up my troubling past on our date, Felix,” Jack chided. “Whatever sounds good.”

Felix whined low in his throat. “When I told you I wanted you to be the stereotypical woman for the date, I didn’t mean for you to be _that_ much like the stereotype.”

Jack laughed and pulled out his phone to find something. He and Felix really were inept when it came to the nicer side of life in this town. He wished his friends agreed with him that a picnic in the woods was an adequate date. “Uh, Five & Ten,” he said. “There’s outdoor seating. It’s like a house, super cute.” He shrugged. “Also pretty far from the main city, so we won’t be recognized.”

“But further into the woods, so there could be people that hate the idea of us.” Felix didn’t necessarily look comfortable with the restaurant, but he wasn’t going to be comfortable with anything so long as they so obviously looked like they were on a date. “You sure you don’t wanna just go to somewhere like Varsity?”

“Dressed like this? Amy’s expecting pictures. I doubt we can make Varsity look four stars or better.”

“Why do I feel like I’m actually just dating your friends and not you?”

Jack made a face as he continued to tap away at his phone. He brought up the map with the address for the place. “They’re your friends too, Felix.”

Felix didn’t say anything, only tapped nervously at the steering wheel. “Should we maybe dress down? I don’t really know if the Five & Ten is as upscale as what we’re wearing. Maybe we should ditch the jackets.”

“Turn left,” Jack instructed, smiling at Felix’s anxieties. “I’ll ditch my jacket. I’ll even untuck the shirt.”

Felix blew out a long breath through his nose. “Don’t do that. Then I’ll stare at your nipples through your shirt the whole time and then everyone will hate us because I’ll just be staring at your fucking tits at a fancy restaurant and no one wants that.”

Jack felt the tips of his ears redden, but he grinned all the same. “You’re too good t’ me, Fe’.”

“I talk about your nipples and say I’m good to you? What kind of shitty as standards do you have?” Jack just smiled and shook his head at Felix’s silliness as he mentally went through the phrases Robin had taught him, hoping he remembered the words and pronunciations and phrase orders correctly. “Is that it?” Felix asked as they approached a nice little restaurant that looked more like a house than anything. Jack loved it. He felt like he could actually enjoy a relaxing dinner here. Felix parked and Jack climbed out, eager.

He pulled his jacket off and tossed it back into the trick, then checked out his reflection. “You can’t see my fucking nipples, you ass!” he exclaimed, offended that Felix had lied to him. He was wearing a tank underneath the dress shirt, after all. “Can’t see me salty nips.”

“Fuck, Seán.”

The sound of Jack’s real name caught his attention and he looked to where Felix was still sitting in the truck, staring at the restaurant like it was some sort of death sentence. Jack’s face fell. “We don’t have to do this,” he said. “We can go to Varsity. Or even go home. We don’t have to…” His voice fell away, because he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep out his disappointment. He had been genuinely excited to go on a date with Felix, enjoy his company like all couples did, but if Felix was losing his nerves, then Jack wouldn’t force this on him. Jack made to climb back into the truck when Felix put a hand out to stop him.

“No, it’s fine,” Felix said. “I just thought I saw someone but I was wrong.”

Jack frowned. “Ken?”

“God, I wish.”

Jack couldn’t imagine who would be worse for Felix to see than Ken. “Do ye’ still wanna do this?”

“Absolutely.”

Jack was surprised by the conviction in Felix’s tone, but gladly followed the now-determined boy into the restaurant with a slight grin. Felix had also ditched his jacket and untucked his shirt and he looked fucking good. Jack tried not to make it too obvious when he checked out Felix’s ass as Felix got them a table. 

“I’m ordering for you,” Felix said when they were seated. “And you’re ordering for me.”

Now that was something Jack hadn’t done in a long fucking time. He and Felix would order for one another whenever they’d gone out with their parents, finding it hilarious when they got the other person something they knew they would hate. Jack looked down at the menu and levied the statistic probability of Felix actually getting him something he would like or sticking to their pattern and getting something awful. 

“I don’t know if I can trust you or not,” Jack confessed.

Felix slapped a hand over his heart, like he was wounded. “I can’t _believe you,_ Jack,” he said in that over exaggerated tone he used whenever he was being sarcastic as all hell. “I _can’t believe_ that you would ever _think_ I could betray you!”

Jack shook his head and looked over the menu for real this time. It all seemed normal enough and he couldn’t see anything on it that he wouldn’t be willing to eat, aside from the redfish and octopus. Everything else looked fantastic. He saw the pasta ribbons and knew Felix would love it. He was mainly excited for the dessert. “Ready,” Jack said, snapping his menu shut. Felix smiled at him with a fond twinkle in his eyes and waved their waitress down. When it was time for their food orders, Jack stated “pasta ribbons,” with pride, waiting to see Felix’s look of excitement at the prospect of eating something so delicious.

Instead, Felix looked horrified.

“You like pasta!” Jack insisted. 

“I love pasta,” Felix affirmed. Then he looked to the waitress and said, with solemn acceptance of a cruel fate, “the redfish and octopus.”

Jack gaped. Part of the rules of the game was not being allowed to change your mind before the order. “How could you.”

“I thought you understood we were gonna fuck each other over,” Felix replied, his expression heavy. “I thought you heard it in my voice. I am so sorry, Jack.”

“I’m never speaking to you again.” Jack handed his menu to the bemused waitress. “We’re not friends.”

“Jack, I’m sorry.”

“I hate octopus, Felix.”

“And I love pasta. I’m so sorry.”

Jack couldn’t keep his smile from breaking across his face anymore. Even though he was now dreading his dinner, he wasn’t upset. Felix was just the same old fucking asshole, through and through, after everything. If anything at all, Jack was relieved Felix had taken the low road. At least that meant that he still had some sort of positivity left inside him. “If I absolutely hate it, we’re trading.”

“Of course,” Felix agreed. “And you get to choose dessert. I’m so sorry.”

Jack grinned and kicked him under the table. “You’re too good t’ me.”

“Jack, I got you the worst dinner ever.”

“Shut up and act like a normal couple with me.”

Normal couples talked about TV shows and schoolwork and friends. They gossiped and bickered and shared milkshakes, but that was _too_ normal for Jack and Felix. It almost seemed a little like playing a part than being themselves if they talked about that, so instead, Jack got Felix into a long rant about figures. Fucking collectible figures. Jack had never known Felix to be into collectibles, so to find out that Felix actually did collect figures (and not the weird hentai stuff, Felix was into obscure art that looked like something out of Creepy Pasta) was like an easter egg. He was happy to know he could still learn new things about his Swede. 

“But you have to be careful to avoid fakes,” Felix was saying as their waitress set down their food. “Like, so many people will make a fake and sell it for way more than it should be, or way less. Most things have a signature, right? Or something to make it authentic. You gotta make sure it’s authentic or else it’s stealing someone’s art.”

“Do ye’ own any figures?” Jack asked. He couldn’t remember ever seeing anything in Felix’s room. Felix made a face, which was enough of a response. “Don’t have the money?”

“Don’t have the free time,” Felix said. “And I don’t wanna get too many things.”

“Limit the attachment and baggage, yeah?”

“Kinda, something like that.” Felix pointed at his food. It was a gorgeous dish. Jack was jealous. “You’re gonna eat half of this, yeah? Because I fucked that up. At least you’re not looking at an eyeball.”

“I’ll eat a third,” Jack negotiated. “Want my boy to be big and strong.”

Felix made a face again. “Dude, I can’t gip you out of that much of your dinner. I was the one being an asshole.”

“I want you eating.”

“I’m not gonna wither away from having half a fucking dinner.”

Jack could feel the fight suddenly rearing its ugly head and immediately sat back in his seat, keeping his posture open to keep Felix from getting defensive. “I just want to make sure you’re healthy and getting well fed,” he told Felix calmly. “And I could always get a snack later tonight. But this is more important.”

“You think I haven’t been taking care of myself? Still?”

Jack didn’t mean for his gaze to stray down to Felix’s hips. The other boy sighed heavily and sat back as well. Neither of them had touched their food. “Jack, I’m not a fucking basket case. Yes, I was bad. Still kinda am. But I’m not going to just undo everything you’ve tried to work me towards. Like, I am making myself eat regularly. And I am… avoiding that.” He glanced down at his own lap meaningfully. “I’m not about to just take tree steps back when you’ve done so much to pull me forward.”

“Doesn’t mean I still can’t worry.”

Felix shrugged. “I guess, even if you shouldn’t. No point in worrying things to death. You know what you should worry about? How you’re going to get the waitress to not be offended when you don’t touch any of that.”

“And who’s fault is that, Fe’?”

“I take full responsibility, but I do not take, uh.” Felix lost the word. “Responsibility. I, I’m not gonna fix it. You’re on your own.”

“Such a romantic.”

“You knew what you were getting into.” Felix used his fork to messily slice his dinner in half, stubbornly refusing to give in to Jack’s one-third compromise. He pushed the large dinner plate into the center of the table so Jack could reach, and they both spent the meal leaning forward on their elbows, trying not to choke on their food as they laughed at being so close, like a pair of children. It felt amazing because Felix wasn’t afraid to get close enough to be suggestive. He wasn’t looking at the other patrons and worrying about stares. He wasn’t concerned about anything but Jack and that was how it was supposed to be.

The waitress didn’t bat an eyelash at Jack’s meal being entirely untouched, save a stray octopus tentacle Felix had tried to eat but only ended up finding different places of his skin that it would stick to. She’d overheard Felix’s blunder while ordering, after all. 

“You choose dessert,” Felix insisted again. “I fucked up dinner. Dessert’s all yours.”

“The warm blueberry pie,” Jack said. “Two spoons.”

The waitress smiled to herself as she jotted down the order. Jack liked to believe she thought they were cute together. “Do you think she knows?” Felix asked once she was gone. Jack thought it was funny Felix was thinking the same thing. “Like, do you think she thinks we’re together?” 

It was the first time Felix had shown any interest in whether or not others thought them to be together. Jack nodded. “Course she does. Ye’ fed me a bite of food. Friends don’t normally do that shit. Not when they watch the other person with literal hearts in their eyes.”

Felix was looking to where their waitress had left. “She didn’t seem upset by us.”

“No, she didn’t.”

“Lilly wasn’t either, when you kissed me.” Felix looked around at the tables surrounding them. “No one is.” He sat back with a sigh. “Honestly. No idea why the fuck I was even so nervous, now. Literally no one gives two shits.”

Jack grinned at him. “Feels good, right?”

“Shut up, you cared too.”

“Course I did, but I acted like I didn’t, and that’s the difference. If you don’t act like you’re doing something wrong, no one will think twice.”

“We’re not something wrong.”

“No, course not, just the way I phrased it. No one’s gonna look at kids together unless the kids act all shifty. We’re acting like we belong, which we do, and no one’s going to tell us otherwise cause they have no reason to believe differently.”

Jack paused, bit his lip, then went for gold. He slid his hand across the table and lied it atop Felix’s, taking Felix’s warm hand into his grip. “You and I ain’t any different from the people with their loved ones, eating dinner. The only real difference is that you and I are cuter.”

Felix laughed and didn’t pull his hand away. “You’re gonna start a fight, saying shit like that.”

“Well, it’s the truth.”

“I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m saying people just don’t seem to like the truth very much these days.” Felix turned his hand over so the back of his hand was against the table, and the palm of his hands pressed to Jack’s. He pressed light fingertips to the pulse at Jack’s wrist. “I was an idiot for worrying, though. So I’m just gonna apologize for being a worrying jackass.”

“T’ain’t nothing, Felix,” Jack assured him as their dessert arrived. “Now let’s do the wedding thing and hook our arms to eat this. Make everyone jealous.”

“I’m not going to ruin my dessert by eating it like that.”

“Don’t you wanna marry me someday, Felix?”

Felix laughed again and shook his head. “Maybe when you’re older.”

“Shut the fuck up and let me feed you.”

Felix ended up loving the dessert because Jack wasn’t an asshole and made sure his boyfriend got the best food, always. Felix even let him feed a small piece before smearing a blueberry across Jack’s cheek and claiming he’d ruin Jack’s shirt if he wasn’t careful. It was a relaxed end to their dinner and Felix brought up a list of films on his phone as they left after he’d paid. 

“I mean, we could see Jumanji or something,” Felix said as he scrolled through the listings. “Or, uhm. I don’t think Star Wars is out yet.”

“Any Marvel?” Jack asked. “I love Marvel.”

“Fuck superhero movies, honestly.”

Jack laughed as he and Felix walked side by side. The theatre was actually much closer to their restaurant than they’d realized and they’d opted to go on foot. It was pretty fucking cold out, but also getting dark. Jack pressed his side against Felix’s, sharing body heat as well as he could. He knew they should’ve grabbed their jackets, but Jack loved having the excuse to touch. 

“I think it’s funny how you don’t like hero movies when you’d probably star in one yerself,” Jack thought aloud. “Like, if I had to label anyone as being capable of the sacrifice play like Tony Stark, I’d say it’s you. You’d have a badass outfit too. Super tight. Super sexy.” 

“I’d rather die,” Felix deadpanned. 

“No, don’t say that.” Jack looked up as an engine turned over, but only saw a police vehicle parked across the street. 

“I would rather fucking die.”

“It’d be blue and yellow, cause you’re Swedish. And it’d have a cape and thigh-high boots, cause that’d be cute. And you’d be in a skirt, too. An anime skirt. And you’d have pigtails.”

Felix made a face at his phone as he continued to search for something for them to see. “This is starting to sound like an elaborate kink of yours. Wanna see me in a skirt, Jack? Is that what I should be getting from this?”

Jack shrugged. “Yer legs would look great in thigh-highs.”

“Holy shit, this is a kink.”

The rumble of the coming closer engine was really what saved them. Jack looked up at the sound moments before the headlights illuminated their bodies, the grill of the truck only a few feet away. Jack acted purely on instinct as the engine revved and the headlights zeroed in— whoever was driving was intending on crushing them against the wall. 

Jack shoved Felix out of the way, kicking off the ground and lunging with him. They both hit the ground hard, but the cry of surprise Felix let out was nothing compared to the crunch of the car as it crumbled into the wall. Metal screeched and screamed, twisting around brick. The engine continued to push and rubber burned as the wheels kept trying to propel the car forward. The headlights were shattered and the wall itself was dented inwards, caving in. The old building creaked dangerously. 

Jack crawled across the ground to Felix, his mind failing to process anything but him. “Are you okay, are you okay?” he asked, taking Felix by the shoulder and turning him onto his back, terrified by how Felix wasn’t responding. Especially when he saw that Felix was unconscious. Blood tricked down his face from somewhere on his head, catching on his eyelashes, pooling in the curve of his lips. Jack stared at the red, unable to understand. He shook Felix once. “Fe’, wake up,” he called out weakly. “Get up. Get up, please.”

Felix didn’t respond. Where Jack shook his shoulder, something felt wrong, something felt shattered and all sorts of fucked, and Felix wasn’t breathing right, Jack was close enough to feel the shaky air on his skin. It stuttered out of Felix and everything was just all sorts of wrong.

He heard the scream of a broken door being forced open and then a ragged shout of his name— his actual name. Jack didn’t want to turn away from Felix because he was scared his heart would stop the second he did. Then his name was shouted again, forcing Jack to turn over.

He looked up at Ken, standing above Jack with blood coming from his mouth, that same tire iron in his hand, his leg in a cast, and rage across his face. Jack took stock of all of this, along with the truck that had nearly killed him and Felix. It was Ken’s fucking truck, the one Ken had pinned Jack against. Ken had tried to kill them.

“You’re fuckin’ crazy,” Jack choked out, unable to say anything else. “Felix was right— you’re fucking crazy.

“You know what’s fucking crazy?” Ken asked, his own breath coming out raggedly. “The fact that your fucking psycho friends fucked me up! I can’t fucking play! I lost my fucking scholarship! I lost everything all over again because of you, you little piece of fucking shit!”

Jack watched Ken raise the tire iron and instinctively crawled over to cover Felix’s body with his own. He watched Ken, unable to look away, unable to run, unable to fight back because every limb in his body was like liquid with the fear. But he could keep Felix from being hurt. That was what mattered.

The tire iron was about to be cracked over Jack’s skull when a woman in police blues tackled Ken to the ground with a wild cry. A gasp was forced from Jack’s chest as he watched Ken thrash about underneath the woman as he was read his rights and cuffed by the woman. She was a small thing, but apparently very fucking powerful. Jack took the most comfort in the thickness of her accent and the way she was telling Ken he was going to a fucking jail cell. 

Jack couldn’t do it.

He let himself drop back and onto the concrete and stared up at the sky, listening to the sound of Ken being arrested. There were sirens in the distance, and he hoped they were coming here. Felix hadn’t moved beside him. Jack rolled onto his side and took Felix’s face into his hand.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he told Felix, uncaring as to whether or not he could hear. He was still breathing. The blood didn’t look all that bad. “I think he’s gonna go away. You’re gonna be okay.”

“Boy, can you hear me?”

Jack jumped and looked up. He saw the officer above him, her eyes huge and worried against the dark skin of her face. She also had perfect teeth. Jack felt like she was some sort of angel. 

“I need to know if you’re okay,” she pressed. “Do you know that man? Can you tell me his name?”

Jack blinked sluggishly. “What?”

Jack was relieved when she looked concerned rather than annoyed. “Did you get hit?” she asked. She looked to Felix and the concern only doubled. “Is your friend alright?”

“He’s bleeding,” Jack said helpfully. As the adrenaline faded, he realized that his head hurt a lot too. He couldn’t remember if he’d hit his head or not, but it suddenly occurred to him that concrete was fucking brutal on the human skull, and this could be a legitimate problem. “Is Ken gone?”

“Is that the man who crashed the truck? What’s his full name?”Jack shook his head, because he genuinely didn’t know. “Don’t let him near Felix.” The sirens were louder and Jack couldn’t keep his head up like this for much longer. “Don’t, don’t let him near Felix.”

“Sir, I need you to stay awake and tell me what happened. The ambulance is on its way and your friend is going to fine. Please tell me who the man driving the truck was. Do I need to call your parents? How old are you?”

“You’re gonna arrest Ken?” Jack asked. “Jail, right? You said jail.”

“Depending on the story you tell me, that man will be going away for a long time.”

Jack smiled up at her. She was definitely a fucking angel now. “Oh I’ve got a fucking story.”

. . .

The paramedics had checked Jack out at the scene as they’d taken Felix immediately to the hospital, and while Jack normally would’ve insisted on following Felix, Officer Becker had asked to get an official statement from Jack after having his parents meet him at the police station.

They’d been absolute twin messes when Jack had arrived after being driven by Officer Becker, but the angelic police woman had easily assured them of his safety, as the paramedics had only found mild bruising on his skull and no sign of a concussion. Jack had told Officer Becker everything he knew about Ken while his mother sat on his left and his father at his right. It had taken hours, going through all the hoops and texting his friends to see who would be able to back up his story if the police needed to reach out, and by the end of it, he’d been exhausted but somehow smiling.

Ken was going away. Jack had given enough motive for the asshole and when Felix gave his side of the story, he’d be damned. Jack hadn’t brought up any of the stuff from the dance, but he’d detailed enough from the stories he knew and how Ken had targeted Felix enough to get him detained. Felix could choose how much information he wanted to give when it was his turn. It was easy to get someone put in jail when they’d been clearly observed attempting murder by a police officer.

“We’re proud of ye’, son,” his father said as they walked from the police station near midnight. “Though we do wish ye’d told us a little of what was going on. Because we are your parents and we can help you with bullies.” Jack had kept most of his real details to the minimum. They knew nothing of what Ken had done to Jack. Only the way he’d been going after Felix. “That poor boy,” his father lamented. “Without parents, going through all of that alone.”

“He’s a good kid,” his mother said. “His father would be proud.”

Piedmont Regional was shakily familiar to Jack, but just enough so that he could navigate the halls ahead of his parents, who were kind enough to stay behind and let Jack see Felix on his own. The nurse told Jack that Felix wasn’t in urgent care. Visitors were twenty four hours with the state Felix was in. He was fine. They kept telling Jack he was fine.

Knowing Felix was fine didn’t make it any easier to see him lied up in the hospital bed, though, with a bandage around his neck and shoulder and a drip in his arm, another bandage around his head. Apparently his head had been stitched shut. He was pale and ragged. He was also awake. 

Jack stood in the doorway, unable to announce his presence just yet. Felix was looking out his hospital room window into the darkness of the night with a drawn expression. His room itself was dark, lit up only by the streetlights outside. He almost looked sad. He was weighed down by all those stupid thoughts he always had. Jack couldn’t wait to tell him about Ken, until it occurred to him that Felix had been checked over by hospital staff. The cuts on his hips could’ve been discovered. Jack swallowed hard and prepared himself for something difficult. Then he rapped his knuckles lightly on the frame of the room, ready to force cheerfulness in the face of Felix’s learned apathy.

Jack was then blindsided by the bright smile Felix gave him upon seeing him. 

“About time you showed up,” Felix said, his voice low and cracking at the edges. “They pumped me with all this shit to keep me awake. I’m so bored.”

Jack smiled back shakily. “Concussion, yeah? I’m sorry, Fe’. I shouldn’t have pushed ye’ so hard.”

“Better concussed than dead.” Felix pat the empty spot at the side of his bed, beckoning Jack over. “Fucked up my collarbone again, but what else could I have expected, considering it was never really fixed in the first place. It’ll heal worse than it did last time, but it’ll still heal. I was stupid and broke my fall with my fucked shoulder.”

Jack winced as he sat on the bed with Felix, facing his boy, legs crossed. “Also my fault.”

“Again, Jack. Better concussed and broken than dead.” The tired smile Felix gave him, head against the pillow, lit up by light outside, could only be beautiful to Jack. He felt fingers brush his knuckles before Felix twisted their fingers together, holding his hand. “What a great first date.”

“Oh my god.” Jack couldn’t help but laugh now that he knew Felix was okay. Exhaustion was bone deep and overwhelming, but he couldn’t bring himself to give in and sleep or rest. He wanted to sit up with Felix. “We’ve got the worst luck, Felix.”

“When have we ever had anything but?” Felix ran his thumb over the skin of Jack’s hand. “I heard it was Ken.”

Jack nodded. “He’s in jail for the night. They’ll want your statement soon. We can put him away, Felix, ye’ know that, yeah? He tried to kill us. He has motive. That’s attempted murder, first degree, I think. First degree is premeditated, yeah? Officer Becker has everything on her dash and suit cam. There’s no way he’s getting out of this.” Jack took in a deep breath and squeezed Felix’s hand. “There’s no way he’s touching ye’ ever again.”

The smile became even more tired, but it was still genuine, it still met Felix’s eyes. “That’s nice.”

“That’s it?” Jack snorted. “Your psycho ex that’s been terrorizing ye’ and hurtin’ ye’ is going to prison and that’s all you can say?”

“I’m moreso happy he can’t hurt you,” Felix confessed softly. “I can handle what he’s done. But you didn’t deserve any of it. You didn’t know him. You’d never met him before and yet he still treated you like he treated me. I did shit that maybe justified his actions, but not you. I’m happy he can’t hurt you ever again.”

“Ye’ kidding me?” Jack shook his head. “Felix, just take the win where ye’ have it.”

“Dude, I am so fucking drugged, I honestly don’t feel much of anything, actually.”

Jack nodded, grateful they’d thought to give Felix the painkillers, even if he was sure they had to be careful about mixing drugs with a concussion. Still. He was confident the doctors knew what they were doing better than Felix did. “Yer da’ was called by my parents.”

Felix groaned, long and loud. “Fuck me.”

“I mean, once we’re home, yeah.” Jack grinned and squeezed Felix’s hand again. “I’m sure he’s on his way over.”

“Dude, this’ll be the second time he’s seen me in a hospital like this. Thank god I didn’t die this time. I’m starting to think I just need to get a horse because I’m cursed when it comes to cars. Two of them have tried to kill me.”

“Ye’d have t’ move back to Europe to get away with not having a car,” Jack reminded him. 

Felix shrugged. “Feel like going back to Ireland one day?”

“What, not Sweden?”

“I’m not going anywhere near my mother, fuck that.”

Jack nodded and finally gave in, lying beside Felix atop the hospital sheets. He felt Felix breathe out and move closer, snuggling up against Jack’s side. “Maybe one day we’ll end up in Ireland,” he mused aloud. “You could meet Robin or something. I could show ye’ the ropes.”

“What would I even do?”

Jack shrugged. “What do you want to do?”

“We’ve been over this, dude, I have no fucking clue.” Jack could hear a smile in his voice, regardless. “Maybe I could help people. Seems like I’m okay at that. Maybe I could, like, hand out shit to homeless people. Or, uhm.” Felix sighed. “I don’t know. I’m tired.”

Jack nodded. “Could be a nurse.”

Felix snorted. “Right. Definitely not smart enough for that.”

“Don’t say that ‘bout yerself.”

“Dude, I would need to go back in time and really put a lot more backbone in my studies to get in any sort of medical school. Like, I didn’t fail or anything, but I’m definitely a solid B-student, and there’s no way such a competitive field would ever accept me in with just that. Also? Fuck memorization.”

Jack grinned, but couldn’t look away from Felix’s bandaged shoulder. “Ye’d be shite at it,” he said, if only to make Felix drop the conversation. He didn’t want Felix to make any actual decisions while drugged. “Think they’ll let me sleep with ye’ tonight?”

“If you hide under the bed whenever they come in, it won’t matter.”

“Felix, there’s nothing to hide behind, it’s all machine down there.”

“Coward.”

Jack laughed and was a little surprised he could do so with Felix being in the hospital. He’d always thought seeing Felix in a place like this would always chill him to the bone, regardless of circumstance. But Felix was acting like he couldn’t even be bothered by the injuries Jack had somewhat caused. He seemed happy. Which was just a little absurd with his fucked up collar bone and concussed brain, but maybe the injuries were actually arguments in his favor.

“I’m so glad you’re alive,” Jack murmured. “Ye’ didn’t see Ken. How he looked when he came outta the cabin. He looked like he was ready t’ kill the both of us. You were right, ye’ know. He’s a fucking psychopath.”

Felix just hummed, sounding more like he enjoyed the sensation in his chest than anything else. “Gonna have to go to the police tomorrow, then,” he planned aloud. “They’re gonna let me go after twenty-four hours, but I’m sure I can convince them to let me go tomorrow morning if I stay up all night.” He turned his head and smiled brightly at Jack, eyes nearly twinkling. “Wanna watch shitty TV?”

“Sure,” Jack agreed, laughing again, as he sat up to find the remote. “Also, since my parents called your da a few hours ago, so you might have him showing up tomorrow too.” He glanced back and was pleased to see Felix looked more excited than troubled by the information again.

“Dude, if getting in the hospital lets me see more dad, I should come in here more often.”

“Please don’t.”

Felix giggled. “I could rent a room.”

“Ye’d be able to afford it for, like, a day.”

“Excuse me, have you seen my savings account? Two days.”

Jack flicked on the TV and settled back into Felix’s side. “I feel like there’s always an NCIS marathon going on after midnight,” he said offhandedly as Agent Gibbs brooded onscreen. 

“It’s the televised Hotel California,” Felix agreed. “You can’t escape it. That and Law and Order. Special Victims Unit. Dun-dun.”

“Shit, you’re right. And we’re about to dive headfirst into those channels.”

It was easy to keep Felix awake by making fun of the acting in the guest characters and cheesy action scenes. Felix laughed much more easily when he was drugged, and he was a warm presence at Jack’s side the entire night. No one came in to disturb them— no parents or nurses. It was just him and Felix, watching shitty television until the sun started to rise, pink and gold through the hospital window. 

Felix was a beautiful thing beside Jack the whole time. The painkillers were keeping the deepest of creases from Felix’s face, the only lines appearing in the corners of his eyes whenever he smiled or laughed. Everything about him was gorgeous, and as the night turned into day, Jack got closer and closer, leaning into him more, pressed entirely against his side and running his fingers up and down the curve of Felix’s chest, mindful of the collarbone.

“I think it’s starting to hit me,” Felix said during their fifth episode or something close. Jack loved Abby, he swore he did, but Special Agent Anthony was really more his thing. “Like, jesus christ.”

“I know,” Jack agreed. “Can’t believe that the fucking wife was the murderer.”

Felix slapped weakly at Jack’s chest and let out a noise if disappointment. “Not that, just— Ken’s actually gone, right? At the very least, I’ll have grounds for a restraining order, right? And I’m eighteen. I can get one of those without my dad finding out. Like, holy shit. Holy shit. He’s really not gonna be able to touch me again, is he. Unless he wants to break the fucking law.”

“He was kinda breaking the law before,” Jack reminded him. “What he did to you was genuine abuse, Felix. And what he did to me…” Jack swallowed hard. He still couldn’t say it. “He could’ve gone t’ jail ages ago.”

Felix paused. “… Could I have kept him from touching you if I’d just grown a pair?”

“We’re not gonna think like that. Think of all the things we’d have to regret. Imagine of how much I’d end up hating myself. All of we could’ve been avoided if I’d just stayed or if we’d never even kissed. Fuck, Felix, think of how much better off we could’ve been if I’d just stayed in Ireland and never moved here in the first place back when I was little. There’s a world of things we could’ve done to avoid the bad shit. Let’s just move on and…” He shrugged. “I don’t know. Just move on. Cause I’m tired of being afraid of that asshole.”

Felix sighed heavily. “I guess you’re right,” he said. “It just doesn’t really sit well with me, you know? Only because I don’t think I ever thought he’d be gone. Like, maybe if I moved but not while I’m still in Athens. Yet here I am, happily in a hospital, knowing he’s in a jail cell.”

“It ain’t set in stone,” Jack said. “You’re gonna have to give a statement and maybe even go t’ court.”

“Oh, uhm.” Felix grimaced. “I mean. I guess I can if I have to. Attempted-murderers should be put away, right? And if he gets out, he could come after you again. If you ever got hurt and I could have prevented it, I—”

“I’ve already told ye’, we can’t afford t’ think like that.”

Felix nodded. “You’re right, you’re right, you’re always right. Just kinda wish things were easier when it came to getting rid of bad people. Like, murderers and shit. It doesn’t make sense that courts can find a guy innocent even if he straight up killed someone in cold blood. But then again, we don’t know motive. We don’t know psychological standing. We don’t know any of that shit. I just. I wish it was faster. I wish they could just look at how he tried to hit us with his fucking truck and put him away.”

Jack didn’t know what to say to that, so he only curled in a little closer and slung his arm over Felix’s chest. If he couldn’t provide words, he could provide comfort. He was finally starting to learn that he was always good for something for Felix. 

The nurse came in sometime in the early morning and hardly looked surprised to see Jack. She smiled faintly at the way Jack sat up quickly and tried to make it look like he hadn’t just been putting the entire length of his body against Felix’s. Way to make it fucking obvious, Jack. 

“He seems to be reacting to stimulation well,” she said after checking out Felix’s head under the bandages and checking his pupils. “He can sign himself out whenever the front desk opens up, around eight this morning. They’ll give him the medication dosage recommendation, though he has no need for a prescription.”

“Hear that, Fe’?” Jack asked, sitting at the edge of the hospital bed now. “Home free.”

“Does this mean I don’t get some of that awful hospital breakfast?” Felix pouted. “I would love to have some instant eggs that are mostly water and a weak apple and questionable orange juice.” He smiled easily at the nurse, obviously still feeling some effects from the pills, but Jack wasn’t about to complain. 

“I suppose I could bring you a little something if you’d like,” she said, smiling back. “Any requests?”

“Do you guys have ice cream?” Felix asked. “We’ve gotta celebrate.”

“Oh, celebrate? Is it someone’s birthday?”

“Nah, my psycho ex is in jail after trying to kill us.” 

The nurse seemed only a little disarmed by the nonchalance in Felix’s statement, and quickly recovered with a fond shake of her head. “I’ll sneak you boys some ice cream.”

The nurse went through the rest of the motions and told Felix to stay in bed until he could sign himself out, but they ended up getting invested in more of the same NCIS dribble while eating hospital chocolate ice cream. It was nearly noon when Jack finally pried himself out of the bed and suggested Felix should do the same.

“But the food is free,” Felix was saying as Jack brought him his clothes so he could change. “I love free food.”

“It ain’t free if your hospital bill is gonna be outrageous.”

“I’m on my dad’s insurance until i’m twenty-six.” Felix grinned up at Jack from where he was tying his shoes. “I’m not paying shit, boy, and neither is he. His company’s got huge coverage, he went for it ever since the first car accident.” Felix fumbled with his shoelaces, fucked up, then started over again. “Fuck, dude, why are my hands still shaking?”

As Felix bent over, his shirt rode up and pants hung down. Jack saw the scars. He swallowed hard. Felix’s dad was coming, it was inevitable. He had to ask. “Did they see them?”

Felix looked up at him with a raised brow. “Did who see what?” Then he tracked Jack’s gaze, and all mirth faded. “I mean, yeah,” he said. “The paramedics found them and told the nurse. They initially wanted to give me a bunch of pamphlets and therapy recommendations and one person wanted to keep me here because they thought I was a suicide risk but— I-I talked through it with a doctor when I first woke up. A psychologist. They gave me a clean bill of health.” 

Felix shrugged and successfully tied one shoe. “I guess I really am getting better. God knows I wouldn’t have passed their tests a month or two ago.”

Jack couldn’t keep the smile off his face. “I’m proud of you.” His heart soared when Felix smiled shyly back. “I am. Like, hell yeah, Felix. Quick fixes aren’t usually the norm, but ye’ve seemed to be doing pretty okay? Not like we’ve had anything to make it hard on us since that.”

“Except Ken trying to kill us,” Felix reminded him teasingly.

“Ye’ve always known he was gonna do that,” Jack reasoned, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed easily over his chest. “Ye’ve always had good reason to be afraid of him. All I’m meaning is the, the really bad. Ken’s in jail now. Ye’ve got a good thing coming from that so there’s nothing to push ye’ too far. I know we’re not out of the woods yet, not for a while, but you’re closer to the edge of the tree line than ye’ were before. And that’s something to celebrate.”

Felix smiled even wider. “Anything for you.”

Jack could’ve sworn he had heart palpitations from that. He felt the overwhelming desire to kiss Felix, something he’d been struggling with all night. He reached out, running his fingers through Felix’s hair, coaxing him to look up. When he did, Jack leaned forward with every intention to kiss him. But he stopped when Felix’s eyes cut to the door, wide and excited. “Pappa!” Felix cried out, making to stand. But then his expression changed. 

Jack had never seen this face on Felix before. Literally never. It had the undertones of sadness, like how he would look at Jack sometimes, with an overbearing amount of dread. He looked like he was going to either throw up or jump off another cliff to escape the situation. And underneath it all, hidden in the turn of Felix’s brow, was resignation. Jack couldn’t imagine who could manage to put this kind of expression on Felix’s face. He almost didn’t want to know.

Jack turned around to see Lotta Johanna for the first time in two years.

She hardly looked a day older, which spurred a wave of bitterness in Jack’s heart, first and foremost. The woman had abandoned her family and she didn’t look any worse for it. Jack would’ve loved to see her with crows feet and sallow skin. She had no right to be in perfect health when her son was suffering nearly every day with her absence. 

She stood there in the doorway, next to her ex-husband, who looked eviscerated. He was watching Felix like he was ready for him to break. Like he was waiting for everything to fall apart in stunning surround sound. Jack still hadn’t entirely processed seeing Lotta again, so he was able to easily prioritize and put his body between Lotta and Felix. He didn’t really understand what was happening— he didn’t even know if Lotta recognized him— but he wasn’t about to let her think that she could just barrel her way back in here like everything was normal. 

“Seán,” was the first word spoken in the now silent hospital room, and by the devil-woman herself. “I would like you to leave the room.”

“Fuck off,” Jack replied. Ulf’s brow shot up at Jack’s denial, but he din’t seem anything less than agreeing.

The woman narrowed her eyes at Jack. “What did you say to me?”

“Ye’ didn’t understand me the first time? Didn’t take ye’ for fuckin’ stupid on top of being a heartless bitch.” Jack would’ve said more, but he felt a hand on the small of his back. Jack glanced back to see Felix looking up at him, shaking his head. So maybe Felix didn’t like Jack’s word choice, but he didn’t care. Not when Ulf was subtly nodding his approval to Jack.

_“Felix, jag vill prata med dig.”_

“Speak English,” Felix said immediately. 

_“Det är en familjediskussion, Seán har ingen plats—”_

“I have two people in this room that I’d call family, and one of them doesn’t speak Swedish, so if you want to talk to _my family_ , you’re going to talk to them in English.” Felix kept his hand at the small of Jack’s back as he stood up. He was still unsteady, still in pain, still reeling from his concussion, and yet he was still standing on his own. 

Lotta narrowed her eyes at Jack, but didn’t press. “Felix, I wanted to speak to you about your future.”

“What, that’s it?” Jack interrupted. “Find yer son in a fuckin’ hospital bed and you just barrel on like it doesn’t fuckin’ matter? What kind of mother are ye’?”

“How’s your shoulder, Felix?” Ulf asked, looking more relaxed by the second. If Ulf needed someone to help him stand up to his awful ex-wife, Jack was happy to help. Ulf moved past Lotta to Felix’s side, inspecting the bandage across his shoulder. _”Du och bilar,_ Felix. I almost want to keep you from all roads in general. Keep cars from trying to kill you.”

“I’m fine, Pappa, I wasn’t driving this time.”

“And you, Seán?” Ulf turned to Jack. Jack was surprised by the genuine concern. “You hardly seem injured. Lucky, I suppose?”

“Very lucky. I had time to brace myself t’ hit the ground. Shoved Felix a little too hard.” He winced and cut his gaze away. “I’m sorry for that.”

“Are you actually apologizing for saving my son’s life?” Ulf shook his head. “I’ll never understand the politeness of the Southerners.”

“May I please speak with my son?” Lotta pressed, seeming annoyed. Jack loved it.

“I’m not your son,” Felix said. “You said as much.”

“Felix, I believe that we have a grave misunderstanding between us.”

“What is there not to understand?” Felix’s voice was weary. He leaned into his father. “You literally said it. I don’t know how else I was supposed to take you looking me in the eye and saying I’m 'not your son anymore.’ That’s pretty fucking straightforward.”

“Don’t curse,” she said.

“Fuck off,” Jack said again. Ulf looked like he wanted to high-five Jack at this point. 

“Guys, can I have the room with her?” Felix asked. Both Ulf and Jack looked to him with immediate indignation. How the fuck could Felix ask that? “I just, I need to talk to her, I guess. And I think it’d go best if it was me and her alone.” He looked apologetically between them. “It won’t be long. I promise.”

Ulf scowled, but Jack saw something in Felix’s eyes that convinced him. He wasn’t happy about it, but he sighed and tapped Ulf at the elbow. “Let’s go, Pappa. If we hear anything, we can come back in.”

He pulled Ulf from the room and shut the door behind them. Ulf leaned against the furthest wall, cross his arms over his chest, and essentially pouted as well as a grown man could. “I do not want her in there with him,” he told Jack almost petulantly. “I did not even want her here at all.”

“How’d she come?”

“I was meeting with her and lawyers when I got your parents’ call,” Ulf explained. “I couldn’t very well leave the meeting without an apt explanation, and she has always been very good at working the truth from me. It was hardly fair, considering I was nearly in hysteria. All I’d heard from your parents before I hung up was that you and Felix had nearly been hit by a car and Felix was in hospital. I can’t be expected to keep my wits about getting news like that. The last time I heard as much, the doctors nearly had me signing a death certificate.”

Ulf looked to Jack with scrutiny. “I am grateful,” he said after a moment. “I brushed over it back there, for Lotta’s sake, so I would like to say it again. Thank you very much for what you did for my son. You may apologize but I can tell you that a few broken bones is more than a fair trade for his life.”

“I still wish I’d been a little more careful.”

Ulf shook his head. “His shoulder has never been right since the first accident. He could have tumbled down the stairs in a moment of clumsiness and done the same damage. But you saved his life, Seán. You saved Felix’s life. Does that mean nothing to you?”

Jack’s throat was too tight to respond. Knowing Felix could have died meant more to Jack than he could ever put into words. 

“And you as well.” Ulf shook his head again. “When I knew Ken, he was not this kind of person. Maybe I hadn’t liked him, and maybe I had wished Felix would have attached himself to someone a little more like you, but I had never thought him to be capable of murder. Ken was a passionate boy, but not… Not whatever he has become.” Ulf crossed the hall and surprised Jack by wrapping his arms around Jack in a hug. “I am glad you are safe. The both of you, yes, but right now, I am happy to have you alive.”

Jack stood there a long moment. His brain was stumbling over itself, running on overtime from the lack of sleep. He’d seen Lotta for the first time in years and Felix was alone with her. He’d nearly been killed by Felix’s ex and now Ulf was hugging him. Everything felt tilted. 

“Seán,” came the gentle sound of his name. “Don’t cry.”

Why would Ulf say that? Jack was lost until he tasted salt. Was he crying? Jack reached up between their bodies to feel at his face, blindsided by the wetness he felt. He looked up at Ulf with his brow knit together, confused. “Why am I—”

Something crushed into dust in his chest. Fear slammed into his heart, making it difficult to breathe. He didn’t know where this had come from, but he was suddenly shaking and his lungs weren’t cooperating and holy fucking shit, had he almost died? It hadn’t dawned on him, it hadn’t occurred. _Ken had been trying to kill him too._ He’d swung the tire iron overhead, he’d stared down at Jack was such horrible hatred, Jack had nearly fucking died. 

His legs suddenly weren’t strong enough to keep him up, but Ulf was. When Jack’s knees buckled, Ulf held fast, keeping Jack from hitting the floor. _“Seán, Seán, det kommer att bli bra, allt kommer att gå bra.”_

“Oh fuck, I-I could’ve died,” Jack choked out, his eyes wide in his slowly burgeoning horror. There had been the very real, very terrifying possibility that he would not have been here today, would not have been alive. He would’ve never been able to graduate high school and bring Felix away from all of this, he’d never be able to give Felix a home and build a life with him and grow old with him. He would never have gotten whatever job would sustain him, he would’ve never had another Christmas or New Years or birthday. He would’ve been a body in the ground, useless and wasted. He could’ve died. He couldn’t believe he could’ve died. 

“I’m just a kid,” Jack sobbed. “I don’t know how to do any of this. I’m just a kid.”

“You are,” Ulf soothed. “A very strong kid. A very brave one.”

Jack clung to the man, relying on him to keep him standing. He hated to be crying like this. He hated to be having this breakdown when Felix was going through a genuine struggle just beyond the door. Jack had been a target, yes, but Felix had been—

“You never deserved to be pulled into this,” Ulf said, interrupting Jack’s thoughts. “I know you love my son, but if he ever becomes a larger concern to your safety than a protection and benefit, I want you to leave.”

The shock of Ulf’s words almost stopped Jack from crying. He pulled back just a bit, looking up at Ulf, trying to see if he was telling the truth. “How can ye’ say that?” he asked. “I can never leave Felix, I’ll never—”

“When I married Lotta, I was older and wiser than you, and I’d also thought she and I were forever. Do not put yourself in jeopardy for the sake of something called love.” Ulf looked sad as he spoke. “I know what my son means to you now, but I do not want the world to lose you. I do not want your parents to bury their son.”

Jack felt cold all over.

The hospital room door opened and Jack tore himself from Ulf quickly, trying to cover up his moment of weakness regardless of who showed up at the door. Lotta or Felix— he didn’t want either of them to see him like this. Of course, if it was Felix, it was useless to try and hide. So Jack felt lucky when Lotta stood in the doorway, gave them an inscrutable look, and stomped off, maintaining petulant elegance in her heels. 

Worry for Felix overcame everything else in Jack’s mind, and he welcomed the distraction. He rushed into the hospital room, dreading what he would find. 

Felix sat on the bed, head in his hands. His shoulders were slumped and Jack couldn’t see his face. Jack quickly wiped at his eyes, wishing he could take the time to let the redness of his tears fade, but he didn’t have that kind of freedom. He went down on the floor on his knees in front of Felix so he could peer up between Felix’s arms and knees to see him. Felix was startled out of whatever awful thing he was thinking.

“Jack, were you crying?” was the first thing Felix asked. But Felix was crying too, Jack could see the tears. They weren’t supposed to be like this anymore. Neither of them were supposed to be suffering like this. It just wasn’t fair. “It’s okay.” Felix reached down, forgoing whatever was fucking him up to comfort Jack, just like Jack was doing for him. Feeling Felix’s face on his hands chased away the cold he’d felt from Ulf’s words. He leaned into the touch and held to Felix’s knees. “This is all so fucked,” Felix said.

“What’d she say?”

“Nothing that I didn’t already know.” Felix brushed his thumb along the curve of Jack’s cheek. “What happened to you? Did my dad say anything?” Felix glanced up, probably to Ulf. “What did you say to him?”

“I told him that he should not stay with you if it puts his life in danger.”

Felix nodded like he actually fucking approved. “He’s right.”

“Fuck you,” Jack choked out. 

“What else did he say?”

“Does it matter? What happened with yer mother, Felix?”

“She isn’t my mother.”

Jack nodded, covering Felix’s hands with his own. “What happened?”

“She’s just talking shit, saying that I need to go with her, go back to Sweden. That me being in this accident is just another sign that I’m in a bad place and that I need to cut my losses and go back.” Felix grimaced. “Like I told you, Jack. I’m a tax break.”

“You’re more than that.”

“I know, I know,” Felix agreed with a the barest of smiles through the tears that lingered. “I know that thanks to you. I just sometimes wish I was to her as well.” He breathed in shakily. “But I’m gonna be okay. I, I don’t know what she’s going to do, but I told her that I have no intention of going with her ever, at all. She knows she’ll never get me back. I don’t know what she’s going to do. And I don’t think I really care.” He breathed out shakily. “Is that bad? To not care about her?”

“Not at all,” Jack assured him. “People like her don’t deserve to be cared for.”

Felix nodded, cutting his eyes away for a moment. “Why were you sad, Jack?”

“I already told ye’.”

“Hearing something like that would make you pissed off, not sad.” Jack hated that Felix knew him better. “You’d get angry and shout and maybe even throw a little fit and stomp off. You wouldn’t cry.” Felix smiled down at him shakily. “Will you promise to tell me later?”

Jack nodded. “We’ll get you home for now.”

“Actually, I would request that you take him somewhere that he can be supervised,” Ulf cut in. “I must leave again in a few hours. I am very sorry for it, but as Felix is not in the ICU as he was last time, I’m being asked to return to work immediately.”

“Then ye’ll come to my home,” Jack recovered easily. “Me parents want ye’ moving in anyways.”

He glanced over in time to see Ulf smile. “I heard something about that.”

“You guys don’t have a guest bedroom,” Felix reminded Jack.

“Does it matter? Ye’ would’ve snuck into my room regardless.” Felix had the whereabouts to look embarrassed, but didn’t deny the truth. He finished his shoes, the entirety of his actions having been interrupted by his mother. Felix stood on his own two feet again and looked back at the room for a moment, before trying to roll his shoulder. 

“I’ll make sure I don’t fuck up my stitches,” Felix said, sounding a little put off. “Pappa, are you sure you can’t stay? Not even for the night?”

Ulf’s face fell.

Jack put a hand on Felix’s good shoulder to make him look at him. “He would if he could, Fe’, ye’ know that. You won’t be alone tonight, yeah? Just pretend my da’s yours and everything’ll be fine.”

Felix grimaced and only nodded. “Wanna sign me out, Pappa?”

“So long as you promise not to end up in a hospital ever again.”

. . .

Jack brought Felix home to a full house, and all he could really think about was how fucking loud his friends were and how much he loved it. It wasn’t that surprising to find Michael and Mark and the others all set up on the couch playing some fucking game— it was surprising to see cousin Em and Brad in the kitchen, helping his parents make what had to be a large dinner. Jack found them there after getting Felix settled on the couch. He’d stopped short in the kitchen archway when he’d nearly knocked into Brad. 

“Uh,” he said lamely, his brain stalling out at seeing Brad in his house like this. 

Brad rolled his eyes and pushed a bow of snacks into Jack’s hands. “I wanna talk to you.”

That wasn’t good. Jack glanced past Brad to where Emma was laughing with his parents and wondered if he should call for help. His nerves were still a little frayed from his mental breakdown back at the hospital. He didn’t want Brad to cut the final wire. But Brad was insistent and took Jack by the arm, pulling him to the privacy of the unused dining room.

“Look, whatever I did t’ piss you—”

“I wanted to say thank you,” Brad interrupted. “We all heard what happened from Mark, because apparently your friends think we’re deserving of being included in the loop, something I did appreciate. And I can’t ignore the thought that, apparently, your first instinct in those sorts of situations is ‘save Felix,’ so… thank you.”

Jack almost dropped the bowl he was holding, because there wasn’t a single bit of condescension or sarcasm in Brad’s gratitude. But while Jack didn’t drop the bowl, it did make his hands start to shake. He didn’t know what the fuck was wrong with himself— everything felt too raw and exposed. He felt like every little thing could set him off. As his eyes started to water, Jack remembered to hate himself. 

“Shit, are you okay?” Brad asked, brow knit together in concern. “Why’re you crying?”

Jack shook his head. “It’s stupid.” He didn’t know how to explain it. Just the fear and the oddness of Brad being grateful were coming together to make Jack’s chest too tight. 

“It isn’t stupid.” Brad paused. “You’re probably in some sort of latent shock.”

“What?”

“You and Felix nearly died. Maybe the anxiety isn’t manifesting correctly.” Brad looked him over like he knew what he was seeing. “You’re having delayed reactions, right? You’re reacting to things in ways you normally wouldn’t. It hasn’t hit you yet, or at least, it’s hitting you slowly.” Brad sighed like he felt sorry for Jack. “Don’t worry about it. When it finally does all come crashing down, you’ll feel better in it being over.”

Jack wanted to ask Brad where the hell he got off thinking he knew how any of this shit worked when it hit him. 

Brad was an orphan.

Brad had lost everyone. He would know the way death broke you down better than all the others. 

“I know you may hate me, but I kinda know what I’m—”

“I don’t hate you,” Jack said with sudden clarity. He wiped at his eyes and wondered if he should swallow everything down until it came crashing like Brad described. If Jack was lucky, he’d be alone when it happened. “I-I thought I hated you, maybe, for a while, but I realized I don’t.”

“It isn’t hard to hate me,” Brad reasoned with a shrug. “I was pretty harsh with you. I was cruel. I’m not going to apologize for it or anything because I still stand by who I knew you to be when I first met you. I only never knew Felix after you’d destroyed him. That’s kinda hard to look past.”

“I can’t blame you for being protective of what family you have.”

Brad winced. “Don’t call them that.”

“Why not?”

“The second you call them my family is the second I risk losing everything again.”

Jack didn’t know how to respond to that. 

“I’ll tell Felix to give you some space, if you need it,” Brad said. “Or tell him to hang around you if you don’t. Just don’t be afraid of unloading a little on him, since he’s probably unloaded on you way more than should be fair. Don’t be afraid to lean on Felix. He’s got a sturdier stance than you’d think.”

“Did he help you?” Jack asked. “When your family died?”

Brad paused. “Felix helps everyone.”

Jack nodded and looked down at the bowl, relieved his eyes weren’t watering anymore, even though he knew he was just putting off the inevitable every time he avoided the full breakdown. But at least he was starting to believe he wasn’t wrong to fall apart. “I, I better get these snacks t’ the others.”

“Take your time,” Brad said. “No one’s gonna blame you if you need a moment alone.” Brad gave him a final nod before he left Jack to his own, and it felt like Brad had finally accepted him, if just a little. It helped offset the awful something that was still in Jack’s chest. He took a moment to just stand in the dining room, listening to the sound of his friends all having fun just beyond. Felix’s tired laughter stood out beyond all else. It soothed the aches in Jack’s muscles and undid the knot in his chest. Maybe Jack wasn’t okay, but he think he had an idea he was almost on his way.

Jack let out a long, dee breath, before heading back into the living room and handing off the snack bowl to Michael so he sit at Felix’s side and fight Ethan for the next match.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haaaaaaappy easter

Felix had a lot more sleep stored up in his bones and was unconscious pretty early on in the evening, before dinner was even ready. He was slumped against Michael, breathing deeply and peacefully, and everyone was happy to lower the volume of the the stereos and play something other than Mario Kart that involved a lot less screaming. Jack felt sleep tugging at his own eyes, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to. Probably not for another night. He hadn’t been in such a bad way since Ireland. He couldn’t do anything about it. Not right now. 

“So I vote that the two of you never go on a date again,” Ethan murmured as he and Mark showed off their fantastic inability to utilize teamwork in Mario Odyssey. Jack figured they were trying to stick with Nintendo games to keep from getting too rambunctious. Tyler was seated between Ethan’s legs, watching the screen intently like he thought he could manipulate the characters with his mind, and Amy was in the kitchen with cousin Em, talking softly about some new TV show they were both streaming. Jack had never really considered the two of them getting along, but he’d been silly to not have. 

“Like, I never considered your bad luck could extend to an innocent little date, but apparently I was wrong.” Ethan missed a jump and cursed violently under his breath. 

“I had asked t’ go on a picnic with him, but all of ye’ said it wasn’t a real date.”

“We should’ve let you go on the picnic,” Mark lamented. “We should’ve just listened to you. You’ve had shitty luck for so long that you just instinctively know when something will be awful and your brain subtly suggests ways to avoid it.”

“That’s fucking rad, dude, psychic shit.” Ethan missed another jump and cursed again. Tyler pat his knee to console him. 

“Was the date nice beforehand?” Mark asked. “Before it all went wrong.”

Jack squinted at the screen, trying to make his mind remember. He’d been having a hard time recalling the details of what had happened before the accident. He knew where they’d gone and what they’d done, but not much of the actuals. “I mean, yeah,” he said, because he knew that the date couldn’t have been anything but great. “Pretty good.”

“Wow. Vague.” Tyler turned around in between Ethan’s legs and peered up at Jack, looking a little concerned. 

“Your parents said you hit your head but wasn’t concussed,” Tyler told him. “But you just sounded like you don’t actually remember things like you should.”

“Dude, I nearly got killed, cut me some slack. I’ve never had a really bad time with Felix when it was in a non-stressful scenario, so it’s not like the date could have been anything but fantastic. I mean, it’s Felix.” Jack almost felt like he was lying to his friends, trying to make himself off as perfectly okay. He couldn’t have them worry. He couldn’t have another moment of weakness. 

“You did nearly get killed,” Mark agreed gently. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

Ethan paused the game and all four of them turned to Jack— even fucking Michael, who had been silent up until this point. Jack wilted under their stares. “Look, it, it’s not just something that’s gonna go away overnight, okay? But I am fine.” He was currently fine. All bets were off in the next few hours. “All I’m really wanting right now is to make sure Felix’s collarbone doesn’t get anymore fucked and that his mother leaves him be.”

“His mother?” Mark sat up straighter, eyes wide. “What’s happening with his mother?” Michael’s eyes were alert and darting to Felix, as if he thought he could visibly see whatever the woman had said to him on Felix’s skin.

“She showed up at the hospital. Bummed off his da’. The cunt keeps trying to get Felix t’ come to Sweden with her so she doesn’t have to pay as much money for her business or somethin’. It’s all bullshit. She didn’t even care that he’d gotten hurt.”

Mark’s gaze cut surreptitiously down to Felix’s hips. Jack grimaced and just-barely shook his head. Nothing had gotten that bad yet. “Yeah, I nearly got killed, but so did he,” Jack continued. “I’m worried about him.”

“Dude, Jack, you’ve really got issues.”

Jack scowled at Ethan. “Save it. I know what you’re gonna say. I need to deal with my issues, I need to stop putting him ahead of me, I need to actually take care of myself, I’ve heard it all, alright? I don’t care. I’m bad at taking care of myself? Fucking whatever. I’m not gonna stop.”

Ethan shook his head. “Sad, dude. Really sad.”

“How the fuck is that sad?”

“You can’t expect to put a person back together when your hands are just as shattered,” Michael murmured. “If you’re also broken, then you’ll just put the pieces back together wrong.”

Jack groaned and dropped his head back onto the sofa. “Whatever. It’ll be fine. I’ll get therapy again or something.”

“Seán, sweetie, what’s this about therapy?”

Jack jumped at the worried voice of his mother and glared at his friends. His parents were off limits. They were not allowed to know about all this fucking bullshit. “Just thinking it’d be kinda nice,” he said. “After yesterday. Maybe we can set up something.”

His mother appeared over his head, staring down at him with all the love and concern in the world. She reached down and pressed a hand to his forehead, like whatever was wrong with him could somehow be felt like a physical ailment. He loved the simplicity of her thought process in that moment. Like she wanted to find the thing that was making him the way he was and destroy it, like a virus. Jack couldn’t help but smile. She sighed in frustration. 

“We’ll find someone if you’d like, honey,” she said. “I’ll talk with Mr. Kjellberg about doing the same for Felix. Lord knows the poor boy could use some help there, too. But I doubt we’ll find anyone like Ms. Galloway. You loved that woman.”

Jack almost flinched at hearing his old therapist’s name again. He hadn’t heard her name in ages. “Whatever ye’ think, ma.”

“Oh, whatever I think? Well, you know what I think? I think it’s time for dinner, but our table isn’t big enough for everyone.” She was finally smiling, her hands on her hips. “How about ya’ll draw straws and we see who gets to eat at the table like civilized company, and who has to eat on the floor.”

“I volunteer for the floor,” Jack said.

“Same,” Tyler said. “I’m down here already. No point in standing.”

“I, I would like the table, if that is alright.”

Jack’s mother smiled brightly at Michael. Jack had always figured she’d be smitten by the kid. It was hard not to want to protect the little guy from all the evil of the world. “You may sit with the civilized adults,” she told Michael. “The other children can enjoy the floor. Come eat.”

Everyone got up, except for Michael and Jack. Michael looked unwilling to wake Felix, and Jack sure as hell wasn’t about leave Felix either. He took Felix gently by the shoulder and pulled the Swede against him with a tiny grin to Michael. “I’ve got him,” he said as he got Felix resettled. “Go get something to eat.”

“I will bring you your dinner,” Michael said. “It, it smells very good. Hard to ignore.”

“Me mum’s the best cook,” Jack agreed idly as he ran his fingers through Felix’s hair. Having Felix laid against him like this was making the sleep he needed harder to ignore. He couldn’t give in just yet, though. God forbid he fall asleep and have a nightmare in front of everyone. Michael put a bowl of hot stew in Jack’s lap with a loaf of bread sticking out of the meaty broth. Jack almost moaned, anticipating eating this after it had cooled off. Against him, Felix stirred.

“Oh my god, is that your mom’s stew?” Felix’s words were slurred in his drowsiness. “Holy crap, dude, I haven’t had that in ages.”

Jack grinned and kissed the top of Felix’s head after an overwhelming wave of affection washed over him. “Michael!” Jack called out. “Bring a bowl for Fe’, please!” Then there was a second bowl in Jack’s lap. Felix tried to eat the stew and hissed at the pain of his mouth being burned, but kept eating regardless. 

“I’ll die eating this stuff,” Felix said.

“Keep devouring the literally bowling stew, and maybe ye’ will.” Jack took the spoon from Felix, deciding he’d seen enough of his suffering. “Seriously, Fe’, just fuckin’ blow on it, ain’t hard.”

“You just dangled a bottle of water in front of a man stuck in a desert and told him not to drink it cause it was boiled for sanitation. I will not be shamed for my lack of self control.” Jack shook his head and took a spoonful and then blew on it until it was cool for his apparently-incapable boyfriend. “You’re the best, babe.”

“Whatever,” Jack snorted as Felix continued to eat. 

“I’m announcing a curfew!” Jack’s mother announced. Jack couldn’t see her, as Felix was still leaning entirely against him, but he could clearly hear her behind him. Everyone else was eating noisily, so he assumed everyone else was within earshot. “I know all of you have been worried for the boys, but I do think they both need some real rest outside of a hospital bed. So after dinner, I’m just gonna kick everyone else out, nice and polite, and say ya’ll can just see each other at school on Monday. Sound fair?”

“Are we allowed phone conversations?” Mark asked. And shit. That obviously meant he intended to talk to Jack about something. Fuck. Fucking fuck. 

“Keep the conversations t’ ten minutes,” Jack’s dad said. “No more. Boys need their sleep.”

Jack sighed heavily. He ran his fingertips over the bandage around Felix’s head. “You’re gonna stay in my room tonight as a civilized protest against established curfews by a totalitarian government.”

“Big words, big words,” Felix hummed. “I’m down anyways.”

“If Felix is in yer bed, you’re keeping the door open all night!” 

“Shut up, Da’!” Jack shouted with pink cheeks. He heard Ethan cackle like an asshole somewhere behind the sofa. “Fucking hell.”

“Yeah, what the hell,” Felix said between mouthfuls of stew. “And in front of my salad.”

“That’s got meat, carrots and potatoes. Hardly a salad, Fe’.”

“Fucking carrots, dude, that’s part of a salad.”

“I will not have this argument with ye’, you’ve obviously got brain damage.”

Felix giggled, his whole body shaking. “Shut up and eat your stew before I do.”

Jack had to put up with a lot of hugs as everyone filed out when dinner was done, but so did Felix, so he didn’t mind it as much, even when Mark refused to let go of his neck. Brad made an effort to say goodbye to Jack in a friendly manner, something Felix noticed with bright, excited eyes. It must have been hard for Felix to see two important people in his life get along so poorly. When the house was much more empty, Jack’s mother took their empty dishes and kissed Jack on the top of the head, then did the same to Felix. 

“Get Felix in the shower after you, the both of you smell like a hospital.” She pat him on the shoulder to get him moving. “And your father meant it! Door stays open!”

Jack got Felix upstairs and left him on the bed while he took first shower, under Felix’s insistence. Having the moment alone wasn’t something he was looking forward too. His thoughts had become a little too loud since Brad had told him of his impending mental doom in the dining room. He felt like he could feel that instability hanging over his shoulders, like a trap suspended above his head, waiting for him to let his guard down. 

He finished his shower quickly so he wouldn’t have to think. He more-than-likely had to get through a phone call with Mark later on tonight and he didn’t want to be any more out of control of his emotions than he already was. He also wanted to his hands to stop shaking. They’d been trembling on and off intermittently throughout the day. Exhaustion or fear? He didn’t know. He just wanted it to stop again.

Jack got out of the shower the moment the knot in his chest felt like too much for him to breathe past. He exited the bathroom to find Felix on the phone, his expression blank as he nodded along to whoever was on the other side. When Jack came in, Felix got up off the bed and pushed the phone into Jack’s chest, passing him without a word. That was odd. 

“Hello?” Jack said after putting Felix’s phone to his ear. He was still in a fucking towel. 

_“Oh, Jack?”_ Mark, of course it was Mark. _“I was… I was just talking to Felix. Where’d he go?”_

“Went t’ take a shower.” Jack dropped the towel and stepped into his pajama pants, then tugging an old shirt on over his head. “I’m assuming ye’ wanted to talk about some hashtag-serious-shit, am I right? Why else would ye’ call.”

_“I know you probably don’t want to, but I really do feel like you should.”_

Jack sighed. “You’re becoming a therapist, yeah? Like, that’s something you’re gonna do with your life. Ye’d be damn good at it. Just making sure people understand their emotions and shit, making sure they talk, making sure they come out on top. I mean it, Mark. Invest in becoming a therapist.”

_“I know you’re annoyed with me, but I’m not going to back down.”_

Jack grimaced and hated himself for his transparency. “Fine. What is it.” He wasn’t going to make this easy on Mark, regardless. It was petty. He didn’t care.

_“You nearly died, Jack.”_

“I know that. I was the one jumping out of the way from the fucking car. So did Felix. Ken’s a fucking bad person and he’s being put away for all of the shit he’s done. I don’t know what else ye’ want from me for this.”

_“I’m just worried about all the things adding up. Felix and I have been, well, conspiring. We know you’re not sleeping well.”_

“I tend not to.”

It was Mark’s turn to sigh. _“Is this really going to be like pulling teeth? Jack, how hard is it for you to understand that I was fucking worried about you? One of my best friends nearly died yesterday, I just want to be able to talk to him and make sure he’s okay and reassure myself that I didn’t lose someone else.”_

Jack paused. “Brad said something like that.”

_“He did? I noticed he wasn’t being a horrible dick to you. Are things better?”_

“Maybe. As well as they can be.”

_“Death isn’t something most people can brush over, Jack, on both sides of the spectrum. People can’t ignore their friends dying, and people dying can’t ignore that they were nearly dead. So, like, I get that you’re annoyed? But I don’t want to pretend I didn’t nearly lose you.”_

“I’m fine, Mark,” Jack assured him a little more patiently. “And if I’m not, you’ll be the first t’ know.” A complete lie. “But hey, next time I see ye’? I’ll give ye’ an even bigger hug and let ye’ hang on as long as you want.”

“Seán.”

His name from the bathroom had Jack sitting up on high alert so quickly that his head swam. “I gotta go,” he told Mark abruptly before hanging up. Jack went into the bathroom without knocking and found Felix hunched over the counter without a shirt. His eyes immediately went to Felix’s hips. He saw no new marks. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked gently. He couldn’t see Felix’s face in the mirror.

“This is your bathroom,” Felix said, his voice low. “I need you to get every sharp object out of here and away from me.”

Jack began a mad rush of clearing out anything Felix could use without question. He took out razor blades, scissors, even the plastic toothbrushes because those could easily be snapped in half and used to hurt. He dropped everything onto his bed before going back into the bathroom and wrapping his arms around Felix from behind, mindful of the bandages around his shoulder. 

“Whatever’s in yer head, it’s wrong,” he said into the skin of Felix’s back. He pressed his lips to the tree-branch scar and held on tight. Felix’s breathing shuddered against Jack’s chest. He wished he could see Felix’s face, but he could forgo the line of sight in return for holding him. 

“I’m okay, Seán.”

“I just took out every sharp and shiny thing after ye’ asked me to, I don’t think you’re okay.”

Felix didn’t respond. 

“What happened, Fe’?”

He felt Felix shake his head. “Just all of it coming together, and…” Felix let out this small noise and turned around in Jack’s arms, surprising him. Felix looked Jack over and Jack did the same to him. Oddly enough, Felix’s face didn’t say he felt as fucked up as Jack had thought he would. It was a relief. “What my dad said. What Mark said. Everything with you. I know you didn’t like hearing it, but really, Jack. If I ever become dangerous for you to be around, if I ever become something that starts to drown you with me, I don’t want you to be afraid to leave.”

Jack bristled. “If ye’ really think that I’d just abandon—”

“Seán, baby, you don’t owe me anything.”

Jack stopped abruptly. “… Don’t I?” he finally asked, his voice cracking at the edges. “I know we agreed not t’ think like that, but don’t I owe ye’? None of this would’ve happened if I’d just stayed. Absolutely none of it.”

“Stop rehashing the same bullshit for the sake of finding more reasons to hate yourself.”

Jack flinched at the bluntness. 

“You’re a good person, Seán,” Felix continued, bringing his hands to rest around Jack’s neck, holding on, but not threatening with too much pressure. Jack felt almost fragile in his hands. “You’re a good person and you’ve suffered enough. Just stop trying to make up for something that you should never be blamed for. You were not wrong to save your sanity and leave. You were not wrong to put yourself first. I will never, ever tell you that you were wrong to do what you did. Maybe I did once, but I know now. I know you didn’t come out of it any better than I did. I will never hold what you did against you. You do not owe. Me. Anything.”

Jack felt it again. The weight in his throat, the fear of an end looming above his head. The breathlessness and the knot in his chest from the shower was back with a vengeance, squeezing his heart till it could barely beat on its own. Jack’s hands were shaking again. He knew what was happening.   
“No, no, no,” he whispered, lowering his head so Felix couldn’t see the horror coming over his face. “Not here, not yet, I’m not ready.”

“Seán?” Felix bent his head low like he was trying to see him. “What’s wrong? What’s happening?”

“I can’t do this yet, Felix, please don’t make me do this.”

“I’m not making you do anything,” Felix assured him. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

“Felix, help.” That was all the warning he could give Felix before his throat closed up and his vision blurred over. There was a roaring in his ears, like screaming, but louder and more intrusive, more violent, like it wanted to him to hurt. He lost track of where he was and everything else. He couldn’t even feel his limbs. All he could do was try to breathe, because his body wouldn’t let him. 

He’d only had a few panic attacks in his life, but every one of them had been memorable enough for him to feel like dying every time he had another. He lost time whenever his mind chose to break like this. The world would bleed into overbearing sensation. Right now, as his lungs seized and refused air, all he could see were too bright lights in a too bright room. He felt something cold and hard against his feet, then something warm around the rest of his body, but nothing else was coming through.

The fear that clenched at his chest was unwelcome and made no sense, but he couldn’t fight it off any longer. He could see a shadow looming above him, dark and evil and wanting to kill. Jack was too weak to fight off whoever or whatever it was, and he started to cry, but again, it made no sense. He had nothing to be afraid of. He had no reason to be like this. Why was he like this? Why was he such a fucking failure?

Why did Jack have to be the way he was? Why did he have to lose control of his brain and body and fall into this horrible state of nothing? Why couldn’t he be normal, like all the other kids, who barely knew the meaning of terror and had never known what it was like to fear for their life? Why did the world have to be this way? Why did he have to live through any of this?

It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair, and it would never be fair. He would never be normal, he’d learned that long ago. Even if he ran away, even if he changed the scenery to disassociate trauma with memories, he’d never be like all the other kids and he’d never be what he wished he could be. He’d never be any good. He’d never be any good to anyone. 

He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t fucking breathe, and the light was starting to dim. He distantly wondered if he was dying— he was afraid enough for that to be the case. The tears pouring down his face were falling into his mouth and making him feel like he was drowning along with suffocating. Distantly, he realized that he wanted this to end. 

And for once, it did. The dimness turned into darkness and Jack blacked out.

. . .

He woke up on the bathroom floor, a blanket lied over his body, and warmth again his back. Jack didn’t want to move. Every breath ached and he felt sore all over like he was sick again. His brain worked sluggishly to try and work out where he was, what was happening. The first thing it finally worked out was the presence of arms around his waist. The second thing was that he was on the floor.

Shame curled low in his gut, but there wasn’t a knot in his chest anymore. He didn’t like panic attacks, regardless of how he felt nearly refreshed when it was finally over. His therapist had described them as cathartic. He just hated the way they took control away from him. 

The arms curled tighter around his waist. Jack shut his eyes again, wishing he could hide. His bedroom was just beyond, the door was still open, so Jack could see the light of the rising sun just behind his eyelids. Had he spent the entire night here? Had someone been with him through it? Who was holding him?

All he had to do was open his eyes again to look at the hands attached to the arms and know it was Felix. He could tell it was Felix because, when they’d first met, they’d been stupid and tried to climb a tree in the rain. Felix had slipped on a branch in his attempt to follow Jack to the top and had cut his skin on the branch he’d splintered with his fall. The white, barely-there scar just below Felix’s thumb, on the bone above his wrist, was almost intimately recognizable. Sometimes Jack felt like he knew Felix’s body better than his own at this point. 

“You’re awake.”

Felix’s voice was close, right up against his ear, warm breath making Jack’s heart flutter through the shame. He tried not to move, hoping that he could trick Felix into think he wasn’t actually awake and that Felix had thought wrong, but then Felix’s hand splayed out across Jack’s stomach, and it occurred to Jack that Felix could have felt his breathing change upon awakening. God, he hated himself. He’d made Felix stay down here all night. 

Then there were lips against Jack’s neck, making him shudder. “I hope you feel better,” Felix murmured against his skin. “Last night was actually pretty fucking scary. Glad I got you on the floor before you passed out.”

“I’m sorry.” Jack sounded terrible, like he’d gargled nails. He cleared his throat, trying to fix his strangled voice, but it only made his throat hurt. 

“You were crying a lot.” The hand came up from Jack’s stomach to wrap gently around his neck, the fingers flexing like they were massaging. “I’m glad you did. God knows you needed to let it all out ages ago.” He felt Felix sigh. “I hate to think you kept all of that bottled up.”

Jack just grimaced and tried to sit up, despite the way his muscles protested. He shouldn’t have even tried— Felix’s arm left around his waist held fast. “Not yet,” Felix told him. “You don’t need to hide from me.”

Fuck Felix for knowing him just as well as Jack knew Felix. “It’s humiliating.”

“Do you think I should feel humiliated for all the times I’ve cried myself into hysteria in front of you?” 

Of course Felix shouldn’t feel humiliated for that. Felix didn’t have to feel humiliated for anything he’d done. The world was dead-set on beating him into the ground, he should never be ashamed of needing to cry his heart out. 

“Sometimes I think you forget you’re probably just as fucked up as I am.” Felix sighed again. “Not meant to be in an insulting way, I just. I sometimes think that you don’t give yourself enough credit.” The hand left around Jack’s waist rubbed small circles into Jack’s hip, and the hand at his neck rested there, a reassuring presence. “Regardless. I’m proud of you, Seán.”

The small sentiment tightened Jack’s throat and he felt like he was going to cry again. His entire chest was constricted, too much exertion to experience upon waking up. He felt weak and ruined, like the smallest nudge could send him careening off the edge. He’d just slept for hours, but he felt exhausted. He wished he could sleep again, but he’d made Felix lie on the floor for so long. Jack was pressed up along Felix’s entire body, the other boy making himself into a chair, cradling Jack into his chest. While part of Jack soared at the feeling of being so loved that someone would do something like this for him, another part of him just couldn’t ignore how much pain Felix had to be in. He owed Felix something, regardless of what Felix had told him.

“You’re gonna take today easy with me,” Felix said softly, still rubbing Jack’s hip and drawing Jack’s focus from his self-deprecating thoughts. “I want you back in one piece. Or at least feeling like it.”

Jack squeezed his eyes shut, turned his head, and pushed his face into the warmth of Felix’s chest. He felt a little awkward for the Swede, as Felix was still shirtless while Jack wasn’t. He sometimes wondered if Felix felt like Jack was closed off to him, as compared to how open Felix was with Jack. It bothered Jack. He didn’t want Felix to feel like Jack was denying him access to the hardest places in Jack’s thoughts, as Felix had given for him countless times before. But they were still on the bathroom floor. Jack didn’t want Felix to have to suffer through this any longer than he already had. He tried to sit up again, and this time, Felix let him. He looked to the other boy.

Felix looked tired but content, with bags under his eyes and a small smile on his face. He reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind Jack’s ear, running his thumb over Jack’s cheekbone in a tender manner. “You think you’re good to get up?”

Jack nodded, the blanket sliding down off his body as he went to stand. “Who got this?”

“Your dad.” Jack cringed at the idea that his father saw him curled up around Felix. “He came to check up on us,” Felix continued. “I told him you were tired and shit. He probably didn’t believe me, but he didn’t say shit or press or anything. I’m sure if you ignore it, they will too.” Felix held to Jack’s wrist as Jack stood up fully. Felix hadn’t gotten up yet. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Jack wasn’t fine at all. Felix saw right through him and pressed his fingertips into Jack’s pulse.

“Maybe you’re not, but you will be,” Felix told him confidently. “You’re way stronger than me, dude. You’re gonna be just fine.” Felix pulled himself up and stretched, wincing. “Fuck, man, I’m too old to sleep on the floor. If we ever go camping again, we gotta bring an air mattress.”

“I’m sorry, Felix. Ye’ could’ve woken me up.”

“And disrupt the most restful night you’ve had in ages? I can’t sleep next to you every night, but I know whatever sleep you do get alone is garbage.” Felix smiled at him again. “Whatever keeps you up at night is my business, Jack.”

Jack stared at Felix for a long moment, measuring the weight of the decision before him. Felix had bared his heart to Jack time and time again, with no expectation of ever receiving the same, like he didn’t expect Jack to trust him just as Jack hadn’t expected Felix to trust him either. They’d both spent so long keeping things from each other out of necessity, and while Felix had been to one to start repairing the bridge when Jack begged him to reach across, Jack still hadn’t started much work on his side. 

“I have nightmares,” Jack said. He knew Felix knew as much, but not the extent of it all. “I started having them after the stairs, back in Ireland. They’d be so terrible that I would be too scared to fall asleep. I, I never remembered them, I hardly ever knew what any of it was, but it’d all be so bad that I’d have panic attacks at the thought of going to sleep.”

Felix pulled Jack to the bed silently, pushing for him to sit down. He dropped onto the bed beside Jack and looked up at him, dead neutral. He was letting Jack pour his heart out, as Jack had always done for him. 

“I never figured out how to make them stop,” he murmured. “Nothing helped. Medication, therapy, even weird meditation shit that me mum found online. I couldn’t do anything to make them stop and I couldn’t do anything to cope with the fear of falling it. So I just stopped sleeping. Instead of going t’ bed, I’d walk around the town and avoid it. I’d do everything I could to not fall asleep, no matter how tired I was. Got into a bit of trouble in doing it.”

He felt Felix lie a hand on his thigh, but didn’t look away from the wall he was staring at as he sorted his thoughts and memories. “It sounds like garbage next t’ what ye’ went through, but I couldn’t handle it, Fe’. I had heart palpitations when me parents told me t’ go to bed. It got so bad that I couldn’t eat before bed, or else I’d throw up whatever I’d eaten before. I had actual fucking PTSD over sleeping, Felix, and it went away, eventually, but after Ken…”

Jack shuddered. “After Ken, at the dance, it all came back. I was going t’ have the nightmares again, I could feel it in my chest, so I stayed awake to keep it from happening. I-I fell apart back in Ireland. I didn’t want to go through that again, especially not when you’d be able t’ see it happen. I didn’t want to go through that again, Felix, I can’t do it again.”

He felt arms wrap around his shoulders and sank into the warmth of Felix again. “I’m so scared of falling asleep alone,” he choked out. “I’m scared of what my mind will show me.”

“If you fall into a nightmare, I’ll wake you up.”

Jack looked to Felix, searching his expression. Felix was dead serious in his conviction. “If you fall into a nightmare, I’ll wake you up,” Felix repeated. “Maybe you will have another nightmare. Maybe your brain will fuck you up in your sleep. But I won’t let it go on for long, I promise. It’s not insane to be scared of these sorts of things. You just have to learn to get through it rather than avoid it. It’s like alcoholism.”

“What the fuck,” Jack snorted, too tired to be anything but incredulous.

“Hear me out. When people fight alcoholism, they cut cold turkey. They don’t drink or anything, and that’s fine, but they also avoid it. They stop being around friends and family and anything that involves drinking, even if it’s not dangerous drinking, just social. They think they keep the alcohol from controlling their life by avoiding it, when really, they’re just letting it control them in a different way. Like an abusive relationship. It doesn’t matter if the other person is making you do something you don’t want to do, or keeping you from doing something you used to love. It’s still controlling you.”

“Ye’ can’t fault people for avoiding something they don’t think they’re strong enough t’ resist.”

Felix shrugged and Jack felt it in his torso. “Doesn’t matter if you think the idea is hard to swallow, it’s still the truth. You’re letting the nightmares control you in denying yourself sleep. You’re suffering the same. But it doesn’t matter.” Jack felt the press of Felix’s wet lips to his jaw. “I’ll wake you up. Promise.” Then Felix held his pinky up in Jack’s line of sight. Jack did start crying this time, the barest of tears gathering in his eyes. He didn’t know if it was because he was hurt or relieved, he was just tired. He weakly entwined their pinkies and slumped into him. 

“How about we just sleep the day away,” Felix suggested, adjusting to the added weight of Jack’s body. “I’ll wake you up for meals. You’ll let me binge a TV show. You’ll get your rest and I’ll wake you up if anything goes badly. Deal?”

“Ye’ sure you wanna waste your day with a basket case?” Jack mumbled. 

“Well, the basket case is this really hot Irish dude, so yeah, I don’t really mind.”

Jack cracked the barest of grins. “You’re sweet.” 

“Call me sugar, sugar.” Felix put a hand on Jacks chest and pushed him onto his back. “You get under those covers while I hunt down your laptop. What do you feel like falling asleep to? Something scary? Sci-fi? What about a really lame fantasy or romance? Romance would be a bad idea, cause I’d be shaking the bed when I laugh at how dumb everyone is.”

“You’re such an asshole.” Jack crawled under the blanket, feeling an ingrained sense of comfort when curling up underneath the covers. Felix grabbed Jack’s laptop and settled in beside him. “Don’t be rude ‘bout romance, Fe’, you and I have enough drama to star in a romance ourselves.”

“Bitch, I’m way too smart to be in a romance.”

“I’m dumb enough for the two of us.”

Felix paused as he powered up the laptop, sitting beside where Jack laid, his back against the wall. “… I really meant it,” he told Jack. “You don’t give yourself enough credit. You’re strong. Brave. Really, just, intrinsically good. Maybe you’ve got a lot to criticize yourself for, but no one would ever dare look down on you for who you are with what you’ve been through. Go easy on yourself, Seán. You’ve earned it just as much as the rest of us.”

Jack didn’t know what to say. He just pushed his face into the pillow and threw his arm over Felix’s hip. He shut his eyes, hoping Felix wouldn’t have to make good on his promise and wake Jack from a nightmare. Not just yet.

. . .

When Jack woke up to the soft murmur of his mother’s voice, he delayed himself in opening his eyes. His mother sounded _off_ and Jack was still drowsy with the deep sleep he’d fallen into, so he didn’t even feel strong enough to open his eyes yet in the first place. \t the dredges of sleep, he decided to listen. Especially when he felt the vibration of Felix’s chest as he spoke. The sensation just made him even more tired.

“He told me about some nightmares, so I’d figured it’d be best if he just slept for the rest of the day.”

“Well, I can understand that, but if he hasn’t even done his homework…”

“I did it for him.” No fucking way, had Felix really done Jack’s homework for him? Jack couldn’t even remember the last time he’d completed his homework. “He’s doing fine at school and he’s working hard.”

“I’m just concerned for his…”

His mother trailed off again and Jack felt Felix stiffen beneath him. The drowsiness was still all-encompassing. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to wake up if he wanted to, but that didn’t stop him from stretching out languidly and putting his arm around Felix’s waist, burrowing his face into Felix’s side. The warmth was beyond fantastic, and he could feel Felix breathe. The soft rhythm nearly lulled Jack back into sleep before his mother spoke again.

“I find myself often thinking of you as the same boy you were before, but you’re not,” she said, sounding sad. “You and Jack are both very different people now, and I have to respect the responsibilities you’ve been given, but that doesn’t mean I can stand back and watch Jack lose countless opportunities for his future to the mistakes he makes today.”

Jack was about to growl out some defensive garbled mess at her when Felix said, evenly, “Jack’s smarter than you give him credit for. If he’s gonna fuck up his life, it’ll be his decision to make, and I’ll still be there to see him through whatever mess he gets himself into.”

“Language,” his mother muttered unhappily under her breath.

“I know you see him and me as kids, and you’re not wrong to do it. Like, I’m not gonna toot my own horn and tell you I’m a big boy now. I’m still in high school. I’m still an idiot. But I can promise you that Jack’s not gonna fail out of school and he’s not gonna fail in adult life. Like, it’s just not possible. Jack’s a superhero. He can’t fail at anything.”

“While I appreciate your confidence in Seán, I really do want to point out that—”

“He’s come too far to give up, Mrs. McLoughlin,” Felix interrupted carefully. “He just. He can’t. It’s not in him to give up on anything.” Jack felt Felix’s fingers in his hair. “I’m proof of that.”

“… Sweetie, you’ve never called me Mrs. McLoughlin a day in your life, and I do not want you to start now.”

“Aren’t we supposed to be arguing or something? Aren’t you, like, doing the whole parent-threatening thing?”

“What on earth is that?”

“Where you tell me that if I hurt Jack, it’ll be the last thing I ever do.”

His mother laughed, the sound as sweet as a bell. “Felix, sweetheart, if I wanted to threaten you over my baby, I’d be doing the same to him. I’ve watched you grow far too tall to not give my son the same spiel. If anything, I’ll just give you both the look of motherly disappointment until you work out your kinks.” There was another pause. “I do want to ask, though. Are you sure you’re doing the right thing?”

Felix tensed again. “What do you mean?”

“No harm, sweetie, just want to make sure that the two of you being together is the best thing for you both right now.”

“We.” Felix hesitated. “We’re not. Together.”

Jack could practically hear the skeptical look his mother tossed in his direction. Jack knew how he was feigning sleep. Pressed up entirely against Felix’s side, thrown over his body like he belonged there. Felix was wearing a shirt now, but Jack had snuck his hand underneath it, his fingers splayed out across the smooth skin of Felix’s stomach. Felix’s arm was on the pillow at the other side of Jack’s head, leaning over Jack like he was the roof protecting Jack from the storm that Jack could hear pattering against his window just outside. The way they looked right now— they way they _always_ looked together— didn’t look anything like simple friendship. 

“Now honey, I know you’re not forcing my boy into a lie.”

Shit, maybe Jack really should wake up now. “Of course not,” Felix said with a small sigh. “I mean, I hope. But you know how it was for us in this town before. I’m just scared. He is too. Our friends know, but we both kinda know that we’re not actually ready to be… legitimate.”

Not until Felix’s list was finished. God, Jack had never hated a piece of fucking paper before.

“That sounds like a poor excuse, sweetie.”

His mother had long ago mastered the art of tough love. She could make the hardest of truths sound the kindest. Maybe Jack didn’t know if he agreed with her or not, but he knew his mother would never say anything hard to swallow without being confident in the truth behind it. 

“Maybe you need to have a little more faith in your relationship with my son,” his mother continued. “Maybe even a little more faith in him.”

“He’s not the problem,” Felix said firmly. “Jack has never been a problem. I can promise you that.”

“If you’re sure, sweetie. Now, I think Seán’s been faking sleep for long enough.”

“I was thinking I’d give him a couple more minutes. He’s pretty cute when he’s lying badly.”

“I hate the both of ye’,” Jack groaned into Felix’s side. He was too drowsy to even be ashamed about being caught. “Fer the record? Felix is the best.” He wormed his way underneath Felix’s shirt and pressed a kiss to the skin. Felix squirmed, letting out this embarrassed noise, before tugging his shirt down further and incidentally covering Jack’s entire head in the process.

“Seán, love, keep the PDA to a minimum for your dear old mother’s heart.”

“Ye’ can’t deny our love, mum.”

“No, you’re right, but I can deny that you’re nearly eighteen.” Jack pulled his head out from under Felix’s shirt to smile sleepily up at his mother and stretch his arms above his head. “Do you want anything for dinner? You’ve slept the day away. Surely you must be hungry.”

“Feed me and make me fat,” Jack yawned, stretching even higher, his shirt riding up his stomach. Felix cleared his throat and tugged down Jack’s shirt to cover the skin. “Wow, Felix, way to not let me be proud of my body. Ain’t like me mum never saw it.”

“I know, just—”

Felix cut himself off. Jack and his mother both laughed at the blush that stained his cheeks. “You’re such a gentleman,” his mother said, waving off Felix’s shyness. “I’ll bring up some light eatings for the two of you. Don’t sleep too long, Seán, wouldn’t want to ruin your circadian rhythm!”

“Big words, big concerns,” Jack said to her back as she left the room. He peered up at Felix after she was gone, smiling. The storm raged outside, but Felix was cozier than any space heater. “How long did ye’ know I was listening?”

“When you turned into a sloth,” Felix replied. “You don’t move a lot in your sleep.”

Jack groaned loudly and turned onto his stomach. “Slept so deep, Fe’. Can’nay even move.”

“I was thinking about what you could do,” Felix said, rather abruptly. “About what you could be when you grow up.”

“Pretty sure I’m halfway past grown up already, Fe’.”

“Voice acting.” Felix gestured to his computer screen, where he’d been watching some gory anime that had an umbrella through a girl’s eye. “Like this. Or in cartoons or video games. You’ve always been really good at that shit, at mimicking voices and accents, at throwing your voice around. You’ve always had fun with it.” Felix shrugged. “I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem like something you’d hate doing.”

Jack stared at the screen for a long time, then looked back to Felix. “… Ye’ think?”

Felix shrugged again. “Just something to think about. Don’t feel like you have to do it or anything, I was just going over shit in my head and thought about it a little too long, I guess. Hell, you could even go to SCAD, you know? Over in Atlanta. It’s not like they’ll have aggressive grade standards when it comes to admittance.” Felix shrugged a third time. He was nervous about posing the idea. “I don’t know. I don’t want you to feel like I’m trying to control your life or anything, just trying to give you ideas.”

Jack smiled softly up at his boy and took Felix’s hand, bringing Felix’s palm to his face to place a kiss to the center of it. “Wanna show me your favorite anime tonight?” 

“Holy shit, only one? How do you expect me to choose one?”

“Then yer top three,” Jack said with a laugh. “Wanna learn more about ye’.”

“You already know everything about me.”

“I only just learned ye’ like figures, Felix, I’ve missed a lot.”

Felix paused, then pulled the laptop in front of them. “”How about I show you one of my favorite anime movies, and you show me your favorite shows. Because I missed just as much, and last time we tried to do casual, we got hit by a car.”

“Barely,” Jack corrected with a frown, pinching Felix’s arm. “But hey— ever watched _Gravity Falls?_ ”

“I dunno. Ever seen _Akira?_ ”

. . .

“Wait, wait, you get in a serious accident on Saturday, and don’t use it as an excuse to get out of school on Monday?” Ethan seemed incredulous as he looked over the bandages reaching Felix’s neck. “Who changes this? Why do you still have this on? It’s not like it’s an open wound, right? Why do they dress this?”

“It’s to keep it all together and shit,” Felix said. “I really just re-broke the collar bone, and you can’t actually set the bone there, so they just wrap it tight to make sure it doesn’t get jostled around. And I wrap it.”

“He does,” Jack affirmed. “Saw him do it this morning. Like watching an army medic.”

“I wrapped it enough on my own when I broke it the first time.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you should keep doing it. Like, if it broke again, doesn’t that mean you sucked at it before?”

“Ethan, stop criticizing, you can’t even make pasta without burning the water.” Tyler pulled Ethan away from Felix, patting him on the shoulder. “How about we just give credit where credit is due and say he’s doing a good job.”

“But he looks like an anime character,” Ethan whined. “He’s like that antihero that the main character has a shit ton of sexual tension with while the main—” Ethan cut himself off, wide eyed, staring at Jack. Then he pointed to Jack’s green hair. “You. You’re the main character.”

Jack made a face and tugged at his green hair self-consciously. “Me backstory ain’t tragic enough.”

“It’s half tragic, like Naruto,” Ethan explained. “Sasuke has the real tragic backstory.”

“I don’t know if I wanna be Sasuke,” Felix said. 

“Sasuke’s the hot one.”

Felix made a face at Ethan. “Is he really? I was more of an Itachi guy myself.”

Jack laughed. “Talk about the real tragic backstory.”

“I think the most tragic Naruto backstory is Obito,” Kathryn said. “I mean, loved a girl who didn’t love him back, gave up his eye to his asshole best friend, then, like, became a villain? Was he a villain? I always thought Tobi was Obito, but I stopped watching.”

Felix frowned. “I thought Tobi was Madara.”

“Did anyone actually finish the show?” Tyler asked. “Like, after Shippuden, I lost all interest. It was going on too long.”

“You wanna talk about a show going on too long? I’m still watching One Piece.”

“Dude, I love One Piece,” Ethan gasped, looking to Felix excitedly. “Who’s your favorite? Is it Sanji?”

“You look like Sanji,” Jack told Felix with a playful nudge of his elbow. “Blond, blue eyes, super sexy.”

“Dude, I have normal eyebrows, fuck off.”

“Oh my god, and Jack has green hair, so that makes him Zoro, and holy shit.” Ethan looked like it was Christmas two weeks early. “My ship is sailing across all the universes. Holy crap, you guys are meant to be together, it’s written in the anime stars. Your love is transcendental.”

“Dude, I think I’m gonna finish Naruto,” Jack said. “Over winter break. Wanna join me, Fe’?”

“Winter break is in a week, Jack, can you really expect me to wait the long?” 

“Uh, yeah? I’m your fucking best friend. Fuck off.” 

Felix laughed and shook his head. “I’ll download the next hundred from wherever you left off, no problem. We’ll make a date out of it, a _real_ date. One that doesn’t involve leaving the house, because we’ve got the worst fucking luck with society in general.”

Jack grinned, genuinely excited. Curled up in bed with Felix while watching anime was probably one of the best ways to spend the break. Jack could picture it already. They were forecasted snow sometime soon. He could see himself sprawled out over Felix, lying across his lap, feeding Felix popcorn and napping intermittently between episodes. His room would be warm to combat the cold outside. He’d be wearing fuzzy socks and boxers. 

Jack looked up from his daydream to see Felix watching the parking lot with a slight frown. Jack knew why. He hadn’t seen Michael since Saturday, and now school was about to begin without the kid showing up. Jack brushed Felix subtly with his shoulder to get his attention. “I’m sure it’s fine,” he reassured. “They’d tell ye’ if it wasn’t.”

“No they wouldn’t.” Felix smiled bitterly, then looked down at Jack. “But you’re right. I’m sure it’s fine.”

“Have faith in me,” Jack said with a grin. “Let’s just get through the day and then check on him afterwards.” Inwardly, Jack was surprised Michael and Brad and Emma hadn’t gone to see Felix in the hospital, and only shown up after the fact. Jack had tried texting his cousin, but hadn’t been surprised when he hadn’t received a response. She hardly used her phone these days.

Felix muddled through the day, but kept his head high and Jack was proud of him. It had to be hard fighting against instinct, but it was a huge step forward for Felix to start putting himself first. Jack didn’t have a single class with Felix, but Mark sent him updates whenever he did see Felix, and Amy was a wizard with her camera, snapping shots of Felix randomly through the hall and captioning them like she was working for National Geographic stalking Bigfoot. Felix ate a full lunch and Jack was brimming with pride by the end of the day. But pride became concern when Felix suddenly told Jack he didn’t want to go to Brad’s.

“I thought ye’ wanted to check on Michael.”

Felix shrugged and picked at the fraying leather of his steering wheel. “I’ve got a hunch.”

Jack made a face while Amy snorted skeptically in the back, where Mark was fiddling with his trumpet out of its case. They apparently had some pair shit to practice for. Jack wasn’t sure how good a guitar sounded with a trumpet, but he wasn’t musical by any merit. The plan had been to swing by Brad’s, possibly grab Michael, then go to Mark’s for Felix and Mark to practice, as their performance would be Friday. End of the semester bullshit, Jack guessed. 

“What’s the hunch?” Mark asked, miles more understanding than Jack could ever be. This one-eighty of Felix’s priorities was pretty great, until it went completely out of character and ill-advised.

“Just, I think I know what’s happening.” Felix shrugged again, then started his truck. “It’s fine. We don’t need to go.”

“Are you sure?” Jack pressed. He didn’t want Felix to be thinking that he couldn’t go for Jack’s sake or something stupid. “Because I think Michael would really like Mark’s ma. And I think that he would be a good added pair of ears for yer recital thing.”

Felix shook his head. “We’ll just go.”

Mark made a noise behind Felix, drawing his attention for a split second before Felix pulled out of his parking spot. “Whatever you think is best,” Mark finally settled on, sounding like he was just as bewildered by this as Jack was. 

Felix just kept his jaw stiff and drove. He knew something no one else did, but it had always been that way with Michael. Jack sat back in his seat with a petulant huff, hating being out of the loop, and looked out the window with his arms over his chest. If it was really important, Felix would tell him, but he was allowed to pout. He’d just push for Felix to go tomorrow.

. . .

Felix didn’t go to see Michael the next day. Or the day after. Not even Thursday. He went through his schooling with uncanny focused, practiced the piece with Mark every day after school, and steadfastly denied all of Jack’s pushing. All of Mark’s pushing. All of Amy and Tyler and Ethan’s pushing, because all of them knew at this point that something was horribly off about this whole situation, and not just the fact that Michael hadn’t been to school the entire week. 

Jack had had enough by Friday. Felix knew something Jack didn’t, and that was fine, that was whatever, but now Ethan was asking after Michael, and so was Kathryn. At this point, Jack was worried that Felix had seen an obituary for Michael and had neglected to tell anyone out of a sick sort of coping technique. Jack was worried too, but he felt like he couldn’t just go to Brad’s behind Felix’s back. Michael was Felix’s family and Jack felt he couldn’t muddle except…

It was fucking Friday, Jack hadn’t heard a word from Cousin Em, Michael was missing too much school to be able to graduate, and Felix was wearing a stony expression through it all. He knew something and he was putting it off. Jack couldn’t condone this level of avoidance, so on Friday, at the end of school, he pulled the keys from the ignition as Felix was starting the truck and refused to give them back.

“What the fuck, Jack,” Felix sighed, not even phrasing it like a question. Felix was tired, and so was Jack, but not beyond any fault but their own, and not because of nightmares, thank god. Felix just started having trouble falling asleep since Monday and would end up spending most of the night quietly strumming the acoustic guitar he’d brought from his house to Jack’s. And Jack loved how Felix played— soft and calming and just on the edge of melancholic— and would stay up listening, no words traded between them. Jack had never known Felix to be so quiet and it had only added to his concern the past few days.

“We’re goin’ t’ Brad’s,” Jack said firmly. “Whatever you’re avoiding, whatever you’re hiding from, it ain’t something you can ignore forever. If Michael…” Jack swallowed past the sudden lump in his throat. He’d been avoiding the thought, but Michael very well could have ended his life and Felix would be the only one to know. “Ye’ can’t ignore it forever,” Jack said instead. “Ye’ just can’t. It ain’t healthy.”

Felix shrugged. “It’s what you do.”

“Well, yeah, but that’s a little spiteful t’ bring up, Felix.”

The other boy winced and nodded, but he still wouldn’t look at Jack. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “I just. Don’t wanna face it yet.”

God, Michael couldn’t be anything but dead. Cousin Em had to be so heartbroken over the loss. Jack was starting to feel a little messed up over it himself. Michael had been a good kid who’d been through awful shit and given little chances to get better from it. Half a year wasn’t enough time to get over what he’d been through. Michael had been given the chance to get better but hadn’t had the strength and Jack was scared to think that could be him one day.

“It’ll be okay,” Jack lied. “You’ll get through it, I swear t’ ye’.”

Felix sighed. “If I promise I’ll drive there, will you give me my keys back?”

Jack handed over the keys silently. Felix went back to starting the car and drove in the same silence, not even turning on the radio. Jack felt a little queasy. He could picture it, the way Michael had been found. Lifeless and cold, sightless eyes staring into nothing. Jack had never actually seen someone dead in real life, but he could imagine the way the image would stick behind your eyelids if you ever did. 

Jack felt his hands start to shake as the anxiety welled in his gut. It felt awful because he wasn’t used to feeling so sick with worry when it was still daylight, however little left. Fuck, fuck, was he about to find his cousin in tears? What would Brad be like? Jack had only barely gotten to see the man wear something other than a scowl. Would this tear them apart? How could it feel to lose someone like Michael after trying so hard to keep him in one piece?

Jack twisted his trembling hands in the bottom of his shirt, trying to keep calm. His mind was racing. What would happen with Felix now that he was being forced to face the loss? Would Jack be able to keep him together too? Jack hadn’t ever imagined Michael ever going through with a suicide attempt again but—

Jack’s thoughts screeched to a halt when he felt Felix’s hand overlap one of his own and hold fast, like he wanted to squeeze away the tremors. “It’ll be okay,” Felix told him. That was Jack’s line, but by god, did he love hearing it regardless from Felix. Jack took in a shaky breath and nodded. If Felix could stand strong for just a moment longer, then so could Jack. 

Felix pulled into the driveway of Brad’s house a moment later and Jack instantly took in two things that were very wrong— the lights inside the small house were off, and there were no other vehicles parked anywhere. Felix didn’t seem surprised by any of this. He parked the car and sat with Jack a moment longer, running his thumb over Jack’s knuckles soothingly. Felix just stared at the house with an unreadable expression. Then he said, “whatever happens, I’m gonna be fine, alright? Don’t worry about me.”

Jack couldn’t imagine not worrying about Felix. “Quit stealing my fuckin’ words,” he said weakly. “And, and same to ye’. It’ll be okay, Felix. You’ll get through this.”

Felix smiled sadly. “What you’re thinking this is isn’t what’s happening.” Felix squeezed Jack’s hand one last time before opening his door and climbing out of the truck. “C’mon, Jack, let’s face the music.” Jack couldn’t understand how Felix was being so calm about this. He was still fighting the shakes. Felix went to the front door and reached up to the top of the doorframe, bringing down a key. He unlocked the door and then waved Jack to him. 

Jack followed him into a desolate and dark house. He couldn’t remember every being inside here before, but he knew that there had to have been more furniture here than there was now. The windows were closed and whatever furniture was left was covered with sheets. No electronics were plugged into the walls. Even the clocks on the kitchen utilities were dead. Jack’s brain struggled to process what all of this meant. “Wait—”

“Read this for me?”

Jack looked to where Felix was standing next to a covered table, holding up a folded piece of paper. He squinted and saw the paper had Felix’s name on it. Jack couldn’t imagine what could be written inside it. Still, he cross the tiny living room and took the paper from Felix’s hand, unfolding it to read, his voice shaky and too loud in the still house. 

_Felix,_

_Cops called and said Greely has been seen driving past this place at least twice the past three nights._

_Michael went shopping with Em and Greely followed them into the market, Em had to call security._

_It isn’t safe for him here anymore._

_You know where we went._

_I’m sorry,_

_Brad_

Jack stared at the letter after he finished reading it aloud before he tore his eyes from the page to look to Felix. This hadn’t been what he’d expected.

Felix didn’t look like anything but indifferent. “They definitely didn’t have enough saved up so they probably shut off their phones to save on bills. Atlanta is expensive, after all. Plus, they don’t want to make me a target or anything, more than I already might be. Greely saw me at the hospital. I don’t know if he knows that I was the one to find Michael, but I’m a face he could associate with it. Less contact I have with them, the better.”

“Felix—”

“And it’s not like I could have gone with,” Felix barreled on, giving himself an endless list of reasons to not be upset. “And I wouldn’t have let them go quietly, either. It’s for the best that they left without telling me. It’s not like they owe me or anything, not like I owe them. hell, I’m grateful for the note. They could have just left without a word, because leaving a note like this could’ve been found by Greely if he suddenly got the balls to break in.”

“Felix, you—”

“It’s not like I’m important to them. Michael was doing better in the small time that he knew Ethan and Tyler than the whole time he had me. I’m just another thing for them to worry about. You didn’t see it, Jack.” Felix laughed mirthlessly. “I was such a fucking drag on them. I was more of a problem than a help. Brad could barely stand to carry Michael, putting myself on him on top of it was just too much. God, I’ll bet Michael’s gonna soar into good health without me there weighing him down. And then there’s the—”

“Felix, I need ye’ t’ stop.”

Felix did. His mouth snapped shut so quickly that Jack heard his teeth clack. He stared into the dark house for a long time before looking to Jack. “I really am okay,” he said softly. “I know you don’t think I should be, but I am. I’ve had all week to work through this.”

Jack’s grip on the letter was nearly crushing the paper. “How did ye’ know?”

Felix shrugged. “A hunch. And that I’ve actually seen Greely around more often in the past month than I have since August. He’s a psycho. A monster. He couldn’t stay away for long, I guess.”

“You knew this whole time,” Jack said. “Somehow, ye’ knew.”

Felix nodded. “I’m sorry. It must be hard to lose your cousin like that.”

“Me fuckin’ cousin? Felix, ye’ve lost yer family.”

“No, I really didn’t. For all that they were to me, they haven’t been that in a long time.” Felix smiled bitterly and didn’t break Jack’s gaze. “They couldn’t help me, and I don’t know if it was because they lacked the ability or the desire to, but it didn’t matter. They weren’t my family after what happened to Michael because they couldn’t be.”

Jack didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how to tell if Felix was telling the truth or not. His hands were shaking again. Felix moved through the small distance between and took Jack’s hands in his again. “I’m fine,” he swore, his voice low between them. “I am. I’ve known they would be gone for a long time. All that has changed is that they left a little sooner than expected. But I’ve been ready for them to leave for quite some time.”

“I can’t imagine how this feels,” Jack choked out.

“Gonna tell you the truth, it’s not nearly as bad as I’d thought it would before you came home.” Felix smiled at him. It wasn’t bitter or sad this time. It was small and honest and affectionate. “The only family I’m gonna need is the one I’m gonna build with you. Brad and Em will take care of Michael above all else. I don’t need to worry about him. Not anymore.”

Jack didn’t know what to do. His vision blurred with tears, but he didn’t know if he was sad or happy or filled with turmoil. But Felix was terrible at lying to Jack when he was looking him in the eye like this, and Jack knew that Felix, at the very least, believed himself to be okay. One of Felix’s hands came up to cup Jack’s cheek. 

“Let’s go home, Seán,” he said softly. “I’m not needed here anymore.” His words tugged at something deep in Jack’s heart, something delicate and painful, but Felix had trusted him this far. Jack could do nothing else but learn to trust Felix the same.


	31. Sloppy Seconds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 500 short of 20k! i'm sorry this took so long, it really was a huge roadblock and i was so nervous about writing sex (cause i'm really bad at it) so here's letty's best attempt at emotional sex between two people who are like soulmates pretty much in this idk
> 
> **if you're not cool with reading sex, stop reading when jack says "make me" and pick back up when it read '“Fuck off,” Felix sighed. “I, I totally… I totally meant to tell you something.'" which i put in italics to hopefully make it a little easier to find**
> 
> **this is the end of the main plot, the epilogue will be put up in a few minutes**

Jack’s parents knew something was wrong, and that wasn’t just because Felix’s emotions were plastered all over his face like roadkill. They saw it in the way Felix shut the door of his truck with over-exaggerated care, afraid of the noise, and the way he actually knocked on the front door of Jack’s house with Jack beside him. It was like he’d forgotten himself and was following the niceties he’d been taught all his life. Something was keeping him from remembering that this place was supposed to be his home, even after everything. Jack was sure his parents were discussing the car placement in the driveway to give Felix’s truck a permanent spot.

Felix sat at the kitchen table as his mother made a casserole and tried to get him to open up, but Jack knew it was useless. He watched Felix carefully from the living room, where he was watching something on the TV with his father. A football game, two teams Jack didn’t care about. They weren’t even Irish teams, so why would he bother? His focus was on Felix and the way Felix was digging his nails into the table, staring blankly into the distance. His mother was talking, but Felix wasn’t listening. For all he’d said he was fine earlier, claiming he’d been ready for this and happy his friends were moving on to safer waters, Felix was very far from fine.

“And we’ve cleared out the guest room upstairs,” his mother was saying, chattering away as she cut up vegetables. “The drawers are all empty, waiting for your clothes. We’ve been speaking with Mr. Kjellberg and he’s happy to put me and my husband on your emergency contact list, just in case anything happens again. God forbid, but just in case.”

Felix nodded, whittling away his nails in the wood. The disconnection in his eyes was almost sickening to look at. The blue had never looked more gray. Onscreen, someone got elbowed in the face by someone else, and his father stood from his chair to throw his arms up, shouting like he could somehow change what had happened. Felix didn’t even flinch at the sound. Jack had a pillow in his lap and he was sure he was going to fray the edges of the delicate needlework if he kept pulling at it like he was. Felix was only a room away, but they’d never felt further apart. 

“I can’t believe this shite,” his father grumbled as he dropped back into his armchair. “Did ye’ see that, Jack? Fuckin’ bullshit!”

“Language!” his mother chided. “I swear, this house is going to the dogs. I need a dog, actually. A lovely golden retriever. Obviously female. There are too many men in this house.” She was smiling like she was trying to tell a joke. She glanced back to Felix, but he was still just staring ahead at nothing. She sighed. “Jack!” she called out. “Could you be a dear and get me some of your fathers’ beers from the fridge in the garage?” 

Jack frowned, but stood and did as requested. He left the living room slowly, watching Felix for as long as he could. He was scared Felix would fall apart the second he pulled his eyes away. Jack went into the garage and got the mentioned beers—Shandon Stout, imported from Ireland— and brought back one. His mother saw he only had one and shook her head. “Two more, sweetie.” 

Jack went back for the two, then set all three bottles on the table. He looked to his mother for further instructions, wondering if she was keen on turning his father into an alcoholic. “Open them up,” his mother said patiently, smiling fondly at him like she thought him a little stupid for having to be walked through the steps. Jack just couldn’t understand why all three needed to be opened. When he did, she nodded towards the table. “One for your father, one for you, and one for Felix.”

Jack stared at her, trying to ascertain if he’d heard her right. His mother had never, ever allowed him to have a drink, even back in Ireland. It wasn’t like Jack hadn’t, of course, he knew how to keep his liquor down, but having her give him a drink (and Felix, for fuck’s sake) was a little too _Invasion of the Body Snatcher’s_ for him. “Are ye’ me real mum?”

She rolled her eyes at him. “Well, Felix is basically a thirty-year-old war veteran with that thousand-yard stare of his, and your father is well enough to drink, but if you think you can’t handle it—”

Jack took one of the bottles and took a long swig with a straight face. He was not going to look a gifted horse in the mouth. She smiled pleasantly at him and pushed one of the other bottles along the table to Felix. “You look like you need it,” she told Felix when he finally broke that empty gaze to look up at her like he was waking from a dream. “Sorry we don’t have anything stronger in the house.”

Felix shook his head and stared at the bottle before wrapping his long fingers around the glass and just holding it. Jack watched him, waiting for him to drink or something, but Felix never did. He just went back into staring. Jack glanced to his mother, wary of pressing any further in front of an audience. His parents only knew a inkling of the problem, the tip of the iceberg in the name of Lotta. They didn’t know a thing of the rest of it, and Jack wasn’t sure what Felix was comfortable with them knowing. 

“Felix,” he began carefully. “I’ll bet I can finish mine off before you.”

His mother made a noise of displeasure, but Felix looked up and something new came into his face. Felix cocked a brow, like he was asking Jack if he was serious, but not in indignation. More like he was asking if Jack really thought he could beat him. Jack smirked around the rim of his bottle and made a show of letting the edge hang off his lower lip. Then he winked.

Felix’s face went bright pink, all the way to his ears. He cleared his throat and cut his eyes to the table, fiddling with the label of the bottle. Jack cleared his own throat to get Felix’s attention back as he wrapped his lips around the top of the neck and looked down at Felix with a haughty expression. 

“Seán William McLoughlin!” his mother cried out, snatching the bottle out from Jack’s hand. “Don’t think I don’t know what you were trying to imply! I swear to god, I meant it! I need a girl dog! And when I say Felix is staying in the guest room, I mean he is _staying in the guest room._ ”

“I thought ye’ said Felix and I were adults only a week ago,” Jack replied, mostly upset to have lost his beer. He glanced to Felix, though, and saw a hint of a smile. “Are we or aren’t we, mum?”

“You think you’re clever, don’t you?” She handed Jack back his beer, but narrowed her eyes at him and made laser-vision motion with her fingers. “I swear, Felix, you’re too mature to be dating a child like my son.”

“I think he’s pretty great,” Felix said gently, that smile becoming a little more noticable. He directed it at Jack, then brought his bottle to his own lips and kissed just the tip. Then he quickly set it back down when Jack’s mother looked to him, almost catching him in the act. Felix pulled on an innocent expression and got away with it.

“Fuckin’ cheater,” Jack grumbled. 

“Seán, I swear to the lord Almighty, if you curse one more time, _you_ will be the one needing a place to stay.”

“Don’t worry, Ms. McLoughlin,” Felix interrupted. “Jack couldn’t really make good on what he was suggesting. As his mother, you’ve seen his gag reflex control more than I have. Or lack thereof.”

His mother was absolutely appalled as his father laughed like a donkey in the living room. “What a cheeky little cunt!” his father exclaimed. “Sweetie, our boy’s in good hands if he’s got someone who’ll put ‘im in his place like that!”

“I have absolutely no comment,” she simpered.

“My gag reflex is perfectly,” Jack huffed.

Felix snorted a laugh. “Perfectly nonexistent.”

“Fuck off.”

“No, you.”

_“What is with the language in this house?!”_

“Boys, run!”

Felix listened to Jack’s father. He quickly threw back the rest of his beer and got up from the table, grabbing Jack by the elbow and fleeing upstairs. His mother shouted angrily at them, yelling something about “keeping the door open!” but everyone in the house knew the two boys wouldn’t. Felix shut Jack’s bedroom door behind them and laughed, sweeping a hand through his hair. Downstairs, his mother was still ranting and his father was singing an anthem loudly over her. 

“I totally have a gag reflex,” Jack defended as he set his unfinished beer down on the dresser top.

“Of course you do, that’s the problem. You have _too much_ of a gag reflex.”

“How can ye’ have too much? What fuckin’ decides that?”

“Well, it usually goes along the lines of whether you can take my dick down your throat or not. And I’m not really anything to brag about, so I really do think your gag reflex is on the side of ‘too much.’” Felix was pink in the cheeks again as he spoke, but his smile was meeting his eyes and he wasn’t staring off listlessly into space. “Don’t worry, Jack, my gag reflex is nonexistent enough to make up for yours.”

Jack made a face. “Fuck off.”

“Dude, I literally just implied that I’m gonna be sucking you off, are you actually complaining?”

Now Jack was the one going red. He crossed his arms over his chest and stomped over to his bed like a child, dropping onto the mattress with a huff. “In front of my parents? Really?”

“You were the one acting like you were gonna blow your beer.”

“You can have the rest of it,” Jack said. Not that he didn’t like it or didn’t want to finish it, but Felix needed the alcohol more than Jack did at the moment. Jack looked up at his ceiling as he mostly listened to Felix take the bottle and finish it off. Then Jack pat the bed beside him. 

“Your parents will kill us if they hear me get on that bed.”

Jack rolled his eyes. “C’mere, Fe’.”

Felix lied down next to him, opposite of Jack. The side of his head bumped Jack’s thigh. Jack lied his hand out over Felix’s stomach, and Felix took the hand to gently play with Jack’s fingers, rolling them around between his own like a wave. 

“Do ye’ see any of it?” Jack asked after a moment. When Felix made a noise of question, Jack went on. “We used to find things up here. Faces. People. Words and images and animals. I used t’ know every single one and what we named them, but now—”

Felix was quiet for a moment. “I don’t see anything,” he said after a moment. Jack was disappointed until, “except for that fucking elephant. Remember him? His ear is gone.” Felix pointed up at the ceiling and Jack suddenly saw the elephant again. “Cause the snake took it.” Jack followed Felix’s finger to the long turn of spackle that they’d debated.

“It’s actually a Chinese Lung Dragon,” Jack argued, grinning as the ceiling took shape again. “Mushu’s grandfather and confidant.”

“It’s a fucking snake, and you know it. The World Snake.”

“Get yer pagan Norse bullshit outta my ceiling, Felix.”

“You can’t erase my culture.”

“Maybe I can’t, but ye’ know who can?” Jack pointed to another figure. “Abraham Lincoln.”

Felix gasped dramatically. “You wouldn't dare.”

“Lincoln!” Jack cried out, deepening his voice to make himself sound important. “Felix’s pagan culture has been labeled a crime against the rights of humanity! Put an end to this madness! Burn the silver! Burn the World Snake!”

“Didn’t I ever tell you?” Felix asked. “The World Snake has a secret weapon.”

“And what is that?”

“He’s got the incredible ability to shoot people in the back of the head in theatre booths.”

Jack slapped Felix’s stomach, and Felix let out a grunt and a broken laugh, curling his knees up into his chest like he was in pain. “Too fuckin’ far, Felix, that man was a national treasure.”

“Nicholas Cage was not Abraham Lincoln, god, this is what happens when you get your education in Ireland.”

“Everyone’s perpetually drunk, it ain’t like we know the difference. And why the fuck would we even learn about the Americas? It ain’t like we have anything to do with ye’.”

“Uh, I’m Swedish.”

Jack slapped his stomach again, a little more lightly this time. “Ye’ sure about that?”

_”Jag är säker.”_

“Fuck you.”

_“Snälla.”_

Jack slapped Felix’s stomach a third time, and then rolled onto his side, bringing his head up to rest on Felix’s thigh so he could look the other boy in the eye. “I know what that means.”

Felix nodded. “I know you do.”

Jack faltered. He wasn’t sure what Felix meant by the simple affirmation. Because again, boundaries had been laid down. There wasn’t much of a reason for Felix to say something like that so bluntly unless those boundaries were moot? Jack paused, soaking in the warmth of Felix’s body, and chose his next words carefully. “Felix, if ye’ really want—”

Felix lifted his head with a frown. “Did you hear that?” he asked, interrupting Jack quickly. 

“What?” 

“That sound. A car. Someone pulled into your driveway.”

Jack frowned as well. “We ain’t expectin’ anyone.”

“Maybe Mark?”

“Mark would text us.”

Jack hadn’t heard the engine, but he did hear a car door slam shut. He got out of bed and went to the window, but hadn’t moved quickly enough to see who was here. The car itself was bland and unfamiliar, just a silver Hyundai Sonata. It looked very clean and had nothing inside it, from what Jack could see. Not even an air freshener from the rearview mirror. 

The doorbell rang. Felix sat up on the bed and looked to Jack’s closed bedroom door. Downstairs, his father answered the door, and some sort of conversation took place that Jack couldn’t make out. He waited a few more moments before creeping to his door. He was about to open it and maybe snatch a bit of the conversation when the doorknob was ripped from his hand by his mother. 

She stood in the doorway, wild eyed, breathing hard like she’d just sprinted, and threw Felix’s truck keys at Jack. “His mother is here,” she told Jack in a frantic whisper. “Get him out of here.”

Jack darted back to the bed and took Felix by the arm, pulling him to the window. Felix fumbled out an incomprehensible question as Jack pushed him onto the sill. “Go,” Jack hissed. “I’ll explain later.” He looked back to see his mother shut his bedroom door. He trusted they would keep Lotta in the house long enough for Jack to get Felix into the truck and out of here. 

Felix looked bewildered and even a little scared, but he swung out of the window all the same and dropped down the entire story in a fluid motion. Jack would take time to appreciate the amount of grace and elegance he just saw in Felix’s body once Jack wasn’t about to have a fucking panic attack in his haste. He dropped down after Felix with much less grace and nearly got himself in the teeth with his knee. Felix pulled him up and asked if he was okay, but Jack just pushed the keys into Felix’s chest and pulled Felix to the truck. 

“Get inside,” he ordered. 

Felix didn’t. He stood by the driver’s door and looked to Jack, his brow knit upwards in concern. “What’s happening, dude?”

“I told ye’ t’ get in.”

“Not until you tell me what’s happening.”

The front door opened and Jack could distinctly hear Lotta’s voice over the sound of his parents, and he knew Felix could hear it as well, especially with how all color drained from Felix’s face. “Get in the car, Felix,” Jack said slowly, trying to keep his voice even. Felix was about to start freaking out, which meant Jack couldn’t.

“Is that—”

At the sound of Felix’s wavering voice, Jack kicked himself in the leg and spurred into action. He went around the cab and took the keys from Felix, opening the driver door and pushing Felix inside and across the bench, to the other side of the cab. Jack climbed into the driver’s seat and started the engine, backing out of the driveway just as Lotta came out of the house and shouted Felix’s name. 

Felix flinched at her voice and Jack debated just driving the truck into the woman. He denied himself the pleasure. He pulled down the road and tried to think of where he could take Felix that Lotta wouldn’t dare follow them to. 

“You can’t drive.”

Jack looked to Felix, surprised to hear him speaking. “It’s automatic,” Jack said. “It ain’t that hard.” Truthfully, Jack’s hands were clammy on the steering wheel, and he was driving five under the speed limit. If Lotta wanted, she could probably run after them on foot. Jack flexed his grip, hoping Felix wouldn’t see how white his knuckles were. “Ye’ never did teach me, after all.”

“Pull over, Jack.”

Jack shook his head, stubbornly refusing even when Felix’s voice shook.

“Pull over.”

“Ye’ can’t drive, so I’m driving for you.”

“Seán.”

His name in Felix’s broken voice had Jack’s breath catching. Jack squeezed the steering wheel and forced himself to relax, before risking a glance over at Felix with a haphazard smile. “I’m here, Felix.”

Felix looked like he’d been nearly hit by a car— again. His face was white and his body was curled in on itself like he’d been on the bed, like he was trying to shield himself from harm. His hands were trembling where they were sitting on the dashboard, holding on tight. Jack wanted to make a joke about Felix having little confidence in his driving ability, but knew it would fall flat. 

“Please,” Felix said in a tiny voice. “Pull over.”

Jack swallowed hard. “Ye’ know how much I hate sayin’ no to you, Felix.”

“You can’t fucking drive, Jack.”

Thank god, it was just Jack now. “We don’t have much choice.”

“If we get pulled over—”

“It’s not like I’m breaking any laws—”

“The cops know my truck—”

“I’ll keep under the limit and it’ll be—”

_“Then take us to Mark’s!”_

Felix’s shout had them both falling into tense silence. Felix looked guilty, too, like he hadn’t meant to raise his voice. 

“I’m sorry,” Felix said after a moment. “And I don’t want you to think that I, like, prefer Mark’s company of yours. God knows that isn’t it. But I— what you could lose just by doing something as dumb as this is too much. And if we get pulled over with you driving my truck without a license, the police will call my parents. And we both know who will show up at the station first.”

Jack knew he was right. He worried his lower lip and stared down the road. Then he made a left turn he hadn’t planned on taking earlier and turned towards Mark’s house. Felix recognized the scenery after a few seconds and visibly relaxed. “Thank you,” he said. “I don’t want you to get in trouble over something like this.”

“More like ye’ don’t wanna get in another car accident.”

Felix flinched again. “I didn’t—”

“It’s okay, Felix,” Jack cut in softly. “I didn’t mean it like that either. Let’s just look at this as an incentive for you t’ finally teach me, yeah?” He waited for Felix to nod. “I’m not upset, if that’s what you think. Yer mother’s a cunt and that’s all there is to it. If I wasn’t so freaked out about driving and keeping both hands on the wheel, I’d be holding your hand, okay?”

Felix nodded again. They pulled up in front of Mark’s house after a few more turns. Jack climbed out of the cab and looked to see if Felix was going to follow. Felix was back in that awful place again, staring at nothing. Jack tapped on the glass of the window and Felix rolled it down mechanically. “Do we have to mock my gag reflex again or are ye’ gonna come with?”

Jack was disappointed when Felix couldn’t even bring himself to smile. But Felix did climb out of the cab and walk past Jack to the house, so that was something. He stopped at the door with that emptiness pervading, and Jack reached around him to knock on the door. He expected Mark to be the one to answer, so he was a little surprised when Mark’s mother threw the door open wide and let out an excited shout of Korean before wrapping Jack up in her arms. Felix took a faltered step back and stared at the woman like he just didn’t understand what he was seeing. 

“Who are you, who are you?” Mrs. Fischbach asked excitedly, pulling away from Jack to take Felix’s hands and look him up and down. “Are you one of Mark’s friends?”

“Uh, I think,” Felix said haltingly. 

“He is,” Jack corrected. “Can we see Mark?”

“It’s dinner time, you know, you should call first, but after dinner!”

Jack winced. He should have been back home, eating casserole with his family. Fucking Lotta and knowing that her best chance to corner Felix would be during normal eating hours. She was becoming more akin to a conniving devil than a witch in his mind. “We need t’ see Mark,” Jack said. “I’m really sorry for intruding.”

She waved him off. “Then you’re going to have dinner.”

“No, we can’t—”

“Dinner, dinner!” she exclaimed, ushering Jack and Felix inside. “My mandu is the best in the world, you’ll see. Mark swears by my mandu.” 

She herded them into the house before they could come up with a good argument as to why they shouldn’t. Jack felt terrible for intruding on their dinner. He knew what Mark’s mother meant to him. Jack crept around the foyer corner and looked into the dining room, wincing when he saw Mark was staring at him with an unreadable expression. Jack waved, feeling awkward. Then Mark looked past him, saw Felix, and was suddenly a lot easier to read. The concern was almost textbook. 

“I’ll get two more plates,” he said, standing from his seat grabbing bowels from the cupboard. Mark went to the stove and ladled two large helpings as Mark’s mother pushed Jack and Felix into seats. “Mom, can you get Felix some ice water?”

“Poor boy looks sick,” she agreed. “Is it the weather?”

“Something like that,” Mark mumbled. 

“They were out in the cold without jackets,” she continued to chide. Jack suddenly realized she was right. It was forecasted to snow tonight, yet Jack and Felix had left in such a panic that they hadn’t even pulled on any layer beyond what they were wearing. Jack’s t-shirt and Felix’s crew-neck were not going to withstand even a Georgia winter. “Poor boys will catch your death.” She went to the sink and poured Felix some water out of the tap, then went into the freezer. Jack was surprised she even had ice. Most people here didn’t like ice water. 

She put the glass in front of Felix and then smiled down at him so brightly that it made Felix appear nervous. Jack could understand that. It was like she could see through Felix and what was ailing him, even for all of her talk about the weather. “You’re going to eat my mandu and never eat anything else!”

Felix stared owlishly up at her. “Uh.”

“ _Mandu_ is Korean dumplings,” Mark said. “We’re specifically having _manduguk_. It’s very good for the cold weather.” He put down Felix’s bowl of food in front of him. “Jack, can I talk to you for a second?”

Jack was hesitant to leave Felix alone in the dining room. It wasn’t like Mrs. Fischbach was a scary woman or anything, but Felix had never met her before and mothers were really a touch and go thing for him. 

“Just for a quick second, I promise,” Mark insisted when he saw Jack falter. Jack sighed and followed Mark into Mark’s bedroom, grimacing as he heard Felix try to stutter out a response to whatever Mrs. Fischbach had asked him. “My mother won’t bite.”

“Lotta showed up at the house,” Jack replied. “He’s a little shaky.”

“Lotta?”

“His mother.”

Mark winced. “I thought that had been dealt with.”

“Ye’ll find the Kjellbergs to be a persistent bunch.”

Mark nodded. “I barely know the family. I suppose you would know better than me.”

“Sometimes I wish I didn’t.” Jack looked down at his feet, feeling more than a little guilty for what he was about to ask. “We found out Michael and Brad and Em left. He was fine, I think, but he’s almost like a computer with too much information. He just— he stares into shit. And I’m tired, Mark. I’m so fucking tired. And it’s not his fault, but I can’t do this on my own. We need to be somewhere else, cause all we fuckin’ know how t’ do is run, but he can’t drive and he won’t let me drive.”

Mark smiled a bit, his expression solemn. “Where do you need to go?”

“Are ye’ sure?” Jack didn’t want to push the guy into anything just because Mark was a genuinely good person and probably had a hard time saying no. “This, this could be a bit much. I’ve never— I’m not okay, and even if he says he is, he isn’t. We, we’re going to someone ye’ve never met.”

“Jack, you’re both my friends,” Mark told him gently. “I’m happy to lend a hand.”

“This is more than lending a hand. We don’t even know if we’ll come back tonight.”

“Jesus Christ, Jack, one day you’re gonna have to tell me what happened in Ireland, because I know Felix couldn’t have been a shitty enough friend to give you such low standards of loyalty.”

Jack’s teeth clicked with how quickly his jaw snapped shut. He looked back at the ground again, weary to the bone. He heard Mark sigh, then felt one of Mark’s familiar hands on his shoulder. “I’ll drive, Jack. I don’t mind. Better off, we’ll take my car. Then she won’t be able to look for him.”

“Yer car better not break down again,” Jack said uselessly.

Mark barked out a laugh. “Fuck off, my car is perfect. Come eat some dinner. I’ll tell my mom I’ll be staying with you tonight. She’ll go for it. The way both of you look right now is the most convincing argument I could ever make.”

Jack nodded. “Thank ye’, Mark,” he almost whispered.

“Don’t mention it.”

Back at the dining table, Mrs. Fischbach was loading Felix’s bowl with more dumplings she’d fished from the original pot, muttering about how skinny he was. Jack could relate to that. Even with Felix’s corrected eating habits, he still looked like something out of a horrifying Holocaust documentary in the wrong light. Jack shuddered a little at the image, his hands clammy. Felix’s cheekbones were too sharp, his eyes too sunken in. Felix would wither away to nothing if Jack didn’t push him towards better habits.

But that wasn’t giving Felix enough credit. He really was starting to come out on top. It was Jack who wasn’t handling his trauma maturely. At least Felix was able to sleep at night.

“I think he’s had enough, Mom,” Mark said fondly as he came into the dining behind Jack. “Maybe once he finishes what you’ve already given him, he’ll eat more.”

“Oh, he’ll be eating my dessert!” she declared. “My _songpyeon_ is out of this universe!”

“I will attest to that fact,” Mark said as he sat across from Felix at the table. 

Jack watched Felix snap his eyes to Mark, owlish and haunted. He was half expecting Felix to either burst into tears or just pass out, so his brain fizzled out in shock when Felix asked, “is everything okay with Seán?”

Jack frowned and sat next to Felix. “I am right here.”

“No, I know that,” Felix corrected, blinking quickly like he hadn’t actually known. “I just— I yelled at you a bit. Back there. I’m really sorry. Contrary to belief and my relationship with you, I don’t actually like yelling.”

Jack felt a laugh slip out of him like he’d been punched in the stomach. Underneath the table, he felt Felix put a hand on his knee and squeeze. Some sort of reassurance, though Jack wasn’t sure who was being reassured. The air in the dining room was thick with an undefinable tension. It was almost a gamble between which of the two of them would fall apart first. Heads for Felix, tails for Jack. Felix opened his mouth and just left it like that for a long time, like a computer lagging behind, before asking, “are we going—”

“Hey Mom, can I go out with my friends tonight?” Mark interrupted, seamlessly taking the matter out of Felix’s hands. Good. “A sleepover.”

“Where will you go?” Mrs. Fischbach asked with a sudden sharp perceptiveness. “You doing drugs?”

“Oh, absolutely,” Mark deadpanned.

“Good, good. You will answer your phone if I call. Is Amy coming?”

“Just the three of us,” Mark said. “Guy time, you know.”

“What about Ethan and Tyler?”

“Pretty sure they’re on a date tonight. We wouldn’t want to disturb them.”

“They’re so cute,” Mrs. Fischbach crooned. “I offered to teach Ethan to dance. The boy has two left feet and one of those feet has been amputated.”

Mark choked on the dumpling he was eating. “That wasn’t very nice, Mom.”

She waved him off. “They danced for ages, _ssum, ssum._ I can laugh. They took forever.”

“You know, most of us really credit Felix to being the one to really get them together,” Mark said after recovering and then continuing to eat. Jack felt Felix’s hand leave his knee and watched the other boy slowly start to eat as well. He was surprisingly adept with chopsticks. “Ethan and Tyler were doing their usual run-around with each other and then Felix just straight up called them out and asked if they were dating. Week or so later, Tyler asked Ethan out, just like that. It was the kick in the pants they needed.”

Mrs. Fischbach clapped wildly and exclaimed something in excited Korean. Jack kicked Felix under the table and tried to make him smile with a tired smile of his own. Felix just kept staring. Then he pointed to his bowl of _manduguk,_ and gave Jack a slow thumbs-up.

Jack almost laughed. He finished his soup, fended off Mrs. Fischbach’s insistence that he needed more, and waited anxiously for Mark and Felix to finish as well. And even once they were done. Mrs. Fischbach wouldn’t let them leave without dessert, and then leftovers. Jack wasn’t sure who was more frayed at the edges to leave by the end of the dinner, but with the way his hands were shaking, he would bet on himself. The food had been delicious, but his stomach turned over unhappily. He felt nauseous, and he couldn’t even think about what he was going to be like later tonight.

Mark taking his keys off the row of hooks by the door seemed to be Mrs. Fischbach’s signal for one last effort to pawn more food off on them. She pushed a tin of cookies into Felix’s arms with endless chatter and a wide smile. Felix was overwhelmed. Jack was too. There was so much light and sound in this house, a lot like Jack’s home, and nothing like Felix’s. Jack felt like he was going to throw up.

Then Mark took Jack by the arm and pulled him out of the house before doing the same for Felix, giving his mother promise after promise to convince her to let them leave. Felix climbed into the back, and Jack almost wanted to follow him, but something niggled at his brain, telling him that he couldn’t be rude to Mark when they were already ruining his evening. He climbed into the passenger seat. When Mark got in the front and saw Jack sitting next to him, he made an expression of confusion. Jack winced. It was too late to correct himself. 

“You’re gonna have to direct me again,” Mark told Jack. “I’m basically lost.”

Jack swallowed hard. “With me eyes closed, Mark.”

“Bullshit,” Mark hummed. “Close your eyes. Right now.”

Jack was almost able to smile again, but his stomach still hurt. “Take the 72, asshole.”

“This sounds scripted,” Felix mumbled from the back, where he was lying across the seats, unbuckled and covering his eyes. “Is this scripted?”

“Ye’ had t’ be there.”

“I feel so ostracized.”

“Hey, no,” Mark soothed as he pulled out of the driveway and followed Jack’s stellar directions. “Don’t be like that, Jack. Felix has had a hard enough day, just like you.” Mark paused. “So, uh. You said they’re gone?”

“Like magic,” Jack said. 

“Greely kept showing up,” Felix explained. “Following Michael around, driving by the house. The police alert us every time Greely gets a little too close because they think the way Michael’s parents ignored everything was total bullshit, but they can’t legally do anything because Michael isn’t of age and his parents won’t press charges. All they can do is tell us when and where and hope we handle it. I saw Greely at places, too. Thought I saw him when we went on our date, Jack. That was why I freaked out so much.”

Jack mouth went dry. He couldn’t imagine what he would do if he were in Felix’s stead. He tried to imagine what it would be like if Felix were the one who had been—

“Pull over,” Jack choked out. Mark did so quickly, and it was safe as they were still in a neighborhood, but too far away from any house they could recognize. Jack threw open the door and leaned over the side, breathing shallowly, waiting to get sick. But nothing happened. He was just left with that awful dizziness and shakiness, barely able to keep himself from toppling over. He almost failed. He started to pitch forward, weightless in falling, and preemptively lamented skinned knees. 

Hands appeared on his shoulder, pushing him back up, and Jack opened his eyes to see Felix pushing him back into the car. “Fucking hell, Jack,” was all Felix said, lying Jack’s back against the back of the seat and pushing Jack’s legs into the car again, stretching them out. He then pulled down the sun visor and manually angled Jack’s head so he was looking at it. “Keep your eyes on this, helps with car sickness.”

“Ain’t the problem,” was all Jack could out. He was worried that if he opened his mouth, he would projectile vomit across Mark’s car. 

“Fucking hell,” Felix said again, strapping in Jack’s seatbelt. Then he put the sweetest of kisses on Jack’s cheek, shut the door, and went back into the back. Somehow, that tiny little kiss helped clear the dizziness. His stomach still protested, but at least his mind wasn’t roiling. 

“I’ll drive slowly,” Mark said helpfully.

“Ain’t that,” Jack said again, swallowing. “Just. Thought of something bad.”

“Well, don’t,” Mark ordered, as if it was as simple as that. “Whatever it was had to be fucking awful, so do yourself a favor and never think of it again.”

“I second that,” Felix said. 

“I’m so happy it wasn’t you,” Jack blurted out thoughtlessly.

The other two were quiet for a moment. “What?” Felix asked.

“I’m so happy it wasn’t you,” he repeated. “I know that— it’s awful, what happened to Michael. It was inhuman and wrong and so very fucked up, but I am just so fucking happy that it wasn’t you. If it’d been you, I-I know I would’ve come back t’ a headstone.”

The car became deadly silent. Jack couldn’t bring himself to regret what he’d said, though. They all knew he was right. Humans weren’t meant to live through so much shit at once. Jack tried to picture the headstone, like some sick way of making himself appreciate what he had. His breath was coming short again. He felt too cold and too hot at the same time. His clothes were too tight and his lungs were too weak. He wasn’t able to breath. 

“God, Jack, stop.”

An arm wrapped around his chest from behind, pinning him to the seat more efficiently than the belt. Jack’s hand shot up and held to the wrist in a deathgrip. He squeezed his eyes shut as fingers began to knead at the meat of his shoulder, the arm holding him down securely. 

“I’m not dead.”

Jack clung to that wrist and tore into his lower lip with his teeth, focusing on the pain and the arm holding him tightly. He didn’t want to have a panic attack in Mark’s car. He’d been stupid to push himself towards something that every part of his being protested violently. There’d been no point in aggravating himself. He’d been stupid. 

“I’m not dead.”

The phrase was repeated in a gentler voice, almost reassuring. Jack knew Felix was right. He very well couldn’t be dead, he probably felt stupid saying it, but Jack appreciated hearing the promise in Felix’s voice over any other immensely. It was easier to believe when Felix was the one saying it. The panic attack bled away as quickly as it had come and left Jack feeling stupid. “Goddammit,” he breathed, unwilling to open his eyes and risk seeing any judgement. He knew Mark and Felix wouldn’t, but— he almost felt like they should. “That was so stupid.”

“Just stop thinking,” Felix said from behind, his arm still wrapped securely around Jack’s chest. “God, we’re already making Mark drive us into the middle of nowhere. We can’t make this worse for him than it already is.”

“You guys are acting like this is some sort of punishment for me, but it’s really not,” Mark pointed out. “I don’t mind lending a hand. If anything, I-I’m happy that you thought you could come to me. Knowing you guys see me as someone reliable and someone you can lean on during things like this just… Well, I can promise you, having your faith in me is not a punishment and it’s not a burden.”

“We’re still sorry,” Felix said. Jack was really loving the grand _we_ Felix was using. It helped him feel a little more secure. Felix had parts of the situation under control while Jack had control of others. Put together, and the whole mess was about thirty-six percent handled. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Mark said firmly. “Just worry about whatever other shit you need to handle. Is Michael okay?”

“They’re all fine,” Felix said with tired confidence. “To be honest, we’ve discussed this before. Bug out procedures and shit like that. For the first month, we were half expecting Greely to break through a window and snatch Michael out of his bed. Hell, I slept in the same room as Michael until Jack showed up and I suddenly had a reason to start coming home. We- we always knew this would happen. Greely was…”

Felix pulled his arm back and Jack wished he could tell him to stay. He heard Felix sigh. 

“Greely’s a monster,” Felix said. “We knew we couldn’t keep Michael safe. Not here. Not forever. Em didn’t want to go because of her degree, but she was always willing to leave if she absolutely had to. Brad didn’t want to leave the graves of his family, but he was ready to if he needed. And Michael… Michael didn’t want to mess up our lives unless it was absolutely necessary. I’d always been included in the plan. We went over it almost weekly until…”

“Until Jack came back,” Mark finished softly. “And suddenly you had a lot more to leave behind than they ever did.”

“They didn’t tell me because they didn’t want me to have to choose,” Felix said. “Because they knew I wouldn’t be able to choose. Or that I couldn’t be trusted to not make the wrong choice.”

Jack swallowed hard. “Who would ye’ choose?”

“Jack, that isn’t fair,” Mark said.

“I don’t know,” Felix replied with aching honesty. “I don’t know. I don’t think I ever could.”

Jack nodded and twisted his fingers in his lap. He shouldn’t have asked in the first place. 

Then, “I think I’d choose you,” Felix murmured. “And I hate myself for it. Every time I come to that conclusion, I just imagine the way Brad would turn his lip up at me, how Emma would shake her head like I had disappointed her, and how Michael would look so fucking scared. And then I’d hate myself even more for being so arrogant. Look how easily they left. They don’t need me. They never did. I just pushed myself into their lives and told myself I mattered.”

Jack couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He took in a deep breath to muster his dwindling energy to speak. “Felix, you pulled Michael out. Ye’ searched the property and found Michael and pulled him out of a fuckin’ hole in the ground. To say ye’ don’t mean anything to Michael is just. It’s fuckin’ garbage. Michael might not even be alive without ye’.”

“What the fuck, _you found him?_ ” Mark sounded incredulous. “You found him and now you’re trying to say you don’t mean anything? Maybe Michael is just finally starting to really get better and doesn’t need to lean on everyone so much anymore, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t _need_ his friend.”

“It’s not like that,” Felix said. “I used to be the only person he felt safe around. Then when Jack came home and I started wanting to be around him, Michael started trying to make himself not be so… so reliant on me. And that’s partly what caused the suicide attempt. Even in helping him, I really only made him worse. I made him dependent on me. It’s good that they’re gone. I was never really helping, I was only aggravating the situation.”

Mark paused. “I’m starting to think you’re just telling yourself that so you won’t get upset over being left behind.”

“Like you said, I had more to leave behind,” Felix echoed. “I would have chosen Jack. Maybe they weren’t trying to save me from the choice. Maybe they were trying to save Michael from my inevitable decision.”

“There’s nothing wrong with loving someone,” Mark defended, his grip tightening on the steering wheel. “Nothing at all. Don’t you dare feel guilt for—”

“I can promise you, loving Jack is not one my list of reasons why I hate myself,” Felix interrupted with a sardonic chuckle. “Hell, it’s probably the only thing that gets a free pass. Like, I know I should feel like shit for basically forcing myself to have Michael rely on me and become my responsibility, only to leave him in the dust for Jack, but I can’t. I just genuinely fucking can’t. I want to be happy. What’s so wrong about that?”

“Absolutely nothing,” Mark said firmly. 

“Who am I kidding,” Felix went on. “I was always one foot out the door, anyways. Anyone could see that. Even Ken. They all knew that the second Jack came back, if he ever did, it would all be over. I couldn’t be trusted. Couldn’t be relied on, not really. I was always waiting for Jack to come back. They knew that I would’ve died waiting.” He paused.

“My dad told you about my allowance, right? The one I barely spend? It’s all tucked away, piling up in this bank account I rarely touch. I was saving up to go after you. I was saving every penny so that one day, once Michael was really okay and no one needed me anymore, I could up and leave and find you. I would’ve torn the whole damn world apart just to find you again, to talk to you. I don’t even know what I wanted to happen. I half expected to be sent away once I found you, but at least that would’ve given me answers. Some kind of closure. I was never meant to do this shit without you, Jack. I don’t wanna say something as stupid as ‘we were written in the stars,’ but I will say that we rewrote the stars themselves to say what we wanted them to say. I don’t think I was meant for anything other than you.”

Jack squeezed his eyes shut against a sudden sting of tears. “I tried to forget ye’,” he said after his own moment. His voice shook and cracked and he knew the others could tell he was nearly crying. “In Ireland. I tried everything I could to just fix my head and repair the damage I’d done to me-self. I tried everything I could to just pretend that every good moment I’d ever had wasn’t because of you. And it never fucking worked. I couldn’t just erase the fact that everything I loved and enjoyed came from ye’. I wasn’t Jack, I was Seán, and my entire existence and who I was was woven around ye’. No one ever could separate us. Not even ourselves.” He smiled bitterly. “Seems pretty insane. I couldn’t do a damn thing for changin’ who I was, so I just changed my name.”

“Jack’s a pretty cool name,” Felix said. “Makes you sound like a desperado. Or a pirate. Or a rebel leader. Or some reality-bouncing space cowboy. I like the name. If anything, it’s kinda helped me too. Like, this sounds pretty mean, but, Seán and I didn’t exactly leave on the right foot last I saw him. When Jack came back, it was a little easier to swallow. Nowadays I’m still really more inclined to call you Seán, especially since I’m just as stupidly in love with you as I was then, but I still— Jack’s good. Jack’s also you. I like the name because it’s yours.”

Jack’s eyes were welling with tears again and it didn’t seem fair that Felix was the one who knew how to flay Jack’s heart open in the most beautiful and aching way while Jack still struggled with getting his own emotions into the open. It had used to be the other way around. 

“Plus, I sound super cool when I say it,” Felix continued. “Like, it just rolls off my tongue so well. And it makes me feel like I’m with this super exciting, daring, like, explorer dude. Like Nathan Drake. Jack McLoughlin sounds like the kind of guy you would find exploring the world for buried treasure. And then Felix is his super smart, super suave companion who more or less knows all the clues and shit while Jack goes around, making all the scary jumps. And then there’s, uh. Mark?” Jack could hear a smile growing in Felix’s voice. “You’re basically Sully.”

“Victor ‘Goddamn’ Sullivan,” Mark hummed. “I have to ask, if Felix is the romantic interest?”

“No, no that’s way too easy,” Felix said. “Maybe at first, at least. Like, Jack has a shit ton of girls and boys and whatever, and Felix is just always at his side. And, then in the finale, Jack suddenly gets this realization that Felix was always there and they just come together with, like, a volcano going off in the background. One of them has probably been shot. No, wait. They both got shot. And when they kiss, the wounds go together, and it’s symbolic of a blood pact.”

“That took a dark turn,” Mark snorted. “What if Jack has syphilis or something from all the people he was with before?”

“Then Felix and Jack will die together, as was always intended.”

“Why does it always come t’ dying with ye’, Felix,” Jack asked. “It’s like ye’ think it’s the only end we could come to.”

“Doesn’t it sound nice, though?” Felix asked. “Growing old together. Being buried side by side. Death is an inevitability, but that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy the time we have together. I’d always thought I’d be dead by thirty if you didn’t come back. Now I can see myself making it to 100. At least, I’ll try. I want to be with you as long as I can.”

Jack’s eyes stung again. “Fuck, stop making me cry,” he choked out. Then that arm came around his chest again, Felix hugging him from behind.

“I love you, Seán,” Felix said into the back of the seat. “I love you, I love you, I love you. I’ll say it over and over, even if it makes you cry. I want you to hear it and know it as a complete and undying truth. Even when you left, I loved you.”

“Fuck, now you’re gonna make me cry,” Mark said from the driver’s seat. “When the hell did Felix become the most romantic person in our group? I need to step up my game.”

Jack let out a watery laugh and clutched Felix’s wrist again. “So do I,” he said. “Felix is way too good for anyone.” He felt Felix’s hand squeeze his shoulder again, almost centering Jack, finally ebbing away the last of panic. “God. I’m so fucking tired.”

 _“Get some rest,”_ Mark and Felix both said at the same time. 

“We’ll wake you up when we get there,” Mark added, grinning.

“I’ll watch over you,” Felix promised.

Jack nodded, trusting them both. He shut his eyes and put his head back, exhaustion swimming and overcoming him in moments. 

. . .

He woke up in a bed that, at first, was horribly unfamiliar. The ceiling above wasn’t his or Felix’s, the sheets were old and soft, and the mattress itself sank inwards underneath his weight like a cloud. A vague memory surfaced as he struggled to place where he was. He remembered the few nights he’d slept in this bed, curled up beside Felix, both of them giggling and tittering away, unable to quiet down even after the lights had been turned out. Making shadow puppets, waiting for lightning to illuminate their creations on the wall beyond. Making a tent out of these old sheets, telling lackluster ghost stories in an attempt to scare the other boy more than they already felt. 

This bed was the place where Jack’s crush had first surfaced.

He’d woken up beside Felix for probably the millionth time and had rolled to face the other boy, only to freeze at what he’d seen. Felix lying peacefully beside him, lost in sleep, the dim glow of a morning storm casting the shadows of raindrops over his pale skin. His lips were a rosy pink and parted slightly as he breathed softly, and his dark lashes fluttered in the midst of a dream. Then he’d let out the soft little sigh, just the barest noise, that had made Jack’s heart twist in a way he’d never felt before. Jack remembered wanting to just reach out and touch, feeling Felix’s breath on his skin. Instead, he’d been scared by what he felt. He’d all but fled, falling out of bed and rushing downstair to the Moody’s to find some sort of distraction for something he wasn’t ready to feel yet. 

It was snowing now. The room was cold, but the sheets were warm. It was very dark outside, but the lights from the lower level of the house reflected off the snow and into his room, filling it with a low eerie light. He wasn’t sure what time it was beyond very, very late. He heard soft laughter and the clink of china downstairs. There was a light underneath the door in front of the foot of the bed. 

This was the attic, so all of the heat had risen into this room. It was the room he and Felix loved the most for the pointed ceiling and circular windows. The only other door was to his left, leading into a tiny bathroom. It had always reminded them of something a little more fantastic than ordinary. Jack turned in the sheets and realized he was wearing the clothes he’d started the day in, even his socks. He hated wearing socks in a bed. 

The door suddenly creaked open and the room was bathed with warm, yellow light. Jack squinted against the sudden brightness and brought his hand up to shield his eyes. A soft, familiar chuckle filled the otherwise quiet room, and the door was quickly shut, with an addition to the room. Felix stood at the door, watching Jack with the most overwhelming affection in his smile and eyes. The way he was looking at Jack made Jack’s heart almost stuttered. His hands felt clammy all over again. He felt like a little kid looking at his best friend and realizing he thought he was beautiful. 

“Hey,” Jack greeted rather stupidly, his voice scratchy and struck. He cleared it quickly and tugged at his shirt, embarrassed and self-conscious, though he had no idea why. It wasn’t like he was in the bedroom of a pretty girl he’d been enamored with from afar in a classroom. This was Felix. Felix had once thrown up on Jack’s shoes after trying to show Jack how pink his tongue had become from eating too many Starbursts. He had no reason to be self-conscious except— except Felix was fucking gorgeous and otherworldly and everything Jack had never even dared to imagine he could have. The light from the snow outside reflected off Felix’s pale skin, his blue eyes glinting. Jack couldn’t look away.

Felix’s fondness became adorable befuddlement. He crossed the room and stood beside the bed, looking down at Jack with this gentle smile that made Jack’s stomach do flips. A hand came out and fingers dragged through Jack’s hair. He shut his eyes and tilted his head back, pushing into the touch, preening. Felix chuckled again, low and quiet, deep from within his throat. Jack was struck with the need to feel the vibration of Felix’s voice against his own lips. Jack’s hand clenched in the sheets. He opened his eyes again to see Felix was still looking at him intently, just with something. Different. 

“We should talk,” Felix murmured. 

Jack swallowed hard. “Only good things, yeah?”

“Some good, some not so good.” Felix’s smiled became a little sad. “But it’ll all turn out okay.”

Jack wordlessly moved over to give Felix room on the bed. Felix sat beside him, the old mattress sinking deeply with his added weight. Jack’s weakness from awakening had him barely able to resist gravity. He fell into Felix, the front of his left shoulder and chest pressed up against the front of Felix’s right shoulder and chest. Their eyes met at the sudden press of their bodies. Jack was again struck with how achingly _blue_ Felix’s eyes word. Felix’s smile then became almost flirtatious. “Maybe later.”

Fuck, now Jack’s hands were really sweating. Felix leaned back, still fucking smiling like he knew something Jack didn’t. “Mark’s downstairs, gorging himself on the Moodys’ peach cobbler,” he told Jack like that _that_ was what Jack was wanting to know right now. “They absolutely love him, which isn’t much of a surprise. Mark’s pretty great. You know, if you hadn’t come back and he wasn’t with Amy, I would totally try to jump those bones.”

Jack shoved Felix back. “Fuckin’ asshole.”

“What, you wouldn’t?”

“No, Felix, cause I’ve actually got a pretty specific type.”

Felix raised a brow. “Really? And what would that be?”

“Swedish, blond-ish, and smart.”

“Wow, Robin sounds like a really great guy.”

Jack shoved him again. “I’ve been talkin’ t’ Robin,” he told Felix. “He’s been teaching me Swedish.” Felix raised a brow of interest, which Jack took as a signal to prove himself. _”Jag pratar lita Svenska.”_

“Wow,” Felix said. “That pronunciation was almost passable. And it would be _lite,_ not _lita._ But again, good job for a first try sort of thing. Why are you telling me this? If you started this without saying anything, obviously you’d meant it to be a surprise. Worried I would think you’d be going back to your ex?”

“Hardly,” Jack snorted. “I just— I’d planned to make a grand reveal on our first real date, but that didn’t end as we’d thought it would. The moment never really came back.”

Felix nodded, his hand rising back up. He pushed Jack back down so Jack was lying on his back, and Felix sitting above him, running his hands soothingly through Jack’s hair. 

“I wanna learn it,” Jack continued, lowering his tone to something secretive. “I wanted to be able to talk to ye’ in yer native tongue. Wanted to be familiar to you in a way only family has ever been. I-I wanted to be yer family in a way I never could be before. And I wanted ye’ t’ feel like you can be yourself around me, down to the language you speak.” Felix’s hand stilled. Jack hurried to correct himself. “It’s stupid.”

He saw Felix shake his head. “Not stupid,” Felix said, his voice oddly strangled. “Anything but that. You— fuck. You really do love me, don’t you?”

“Course I do,” Jack replied. “I’m offended ye’d even ask.”

“Kinda feel dumb about it too.” Felix’s hand started to move through his hair again. “I told the Moodys.”

“Told them what?”

“Everything. Kinda. Mostly my mom. I didn’t want to lie to them about why we’d suddenly woke them up so late. I mean, eight o’clock isn’t actually that late, but they’re pretty old, you know? They go to bed at seven-thirty. I told them about my mother leaving and why. Told them how she’s come back and how it, it’s really getting to me. They were both pretty upset to hear what she did. I think they knew, at least a little, but actually getting the story made them a lot angier than I thought they’d be.”

“Course they’d be angry,” Jack said, watching Felix. “They love ye’.”

Felix smiled. “They love you too.” He paused. “I told them a little about you, too. You were basically dead when we pulled up. Tried to wake you up, but not very much. I wanted you to rest. Mark helped me bring you to bed. I told them you’ve had problems with night terrors since what happened to us under the stairs. They, they were upset about that too. Not with you. Just upset that it happened.” The hand faltered a little in Jack’s hair. “Hope you’re not mad at me. I know it’s your thing to tell people, but I can’t lie to them.”

“I trust ye’,” Jack told him. “With everything. Maybe that’s stupid in its own way, but who gives a shit? If ye’ felt they could be trusted, then they can be.”

Felix smiled a little wider. “Good to know. Guess I should get used to that for when we get married.”

Jack’s cheeks went pink. “Married?”

“I mean, probably.” Felix shrugged. “Mark mentioned it offhandedly and I liked the sound of it. But one day when you’re older, yeah? Not sure about you, but I’d like to get my life together before shovelling it all onto you.”

“I’d take anything ye’ give me,” Jack said. “Anything and all. The good, the bad, the horrible. I’d take it all just t’ keep it off your shoulders.”

Felix’s gaze softened. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Well I don’t deserve you, so I guess that makes us the perfect pair.” Jack reached up to pull Felix’s hand from his hair and hold it in his own. “And all this shit, Felix, all of this garbage, with your mother and Michael and stuff. I don’t mind being with you for all of it. In fact, I love being with you for every second. Because there was a point in my life where I thought I’d never see ye’ again and I’d thought myself happy for it. Going through the good and the bad and everything in between just means that I’m with you. And that’s all I want.”

Felix grinned and dropped down onto the bed beside Jack. “Seems kinda stupid, doesn’t it?” he asked. “The way we just freaked out about all of this shit. I mean, some of it was legitimate, of course. Ken was a real concern. I guess my mom kinda is too. And Michael. But all of the other shit. About, like, being together and being identified and being _us._ I don’t know why I gave you such a run-around. I should’ve just forgiven you from the start.”

“I didn’t really deserve t’ be forgiven,” Jack pointed out.

“Why, because you think you made me suffer? You suffered too, Jack. You had debilitating nightmares, nightmares so bad that you would literally avoid sleep. That’s suffering. My suffering was kinda bullshit. It was all other people’s problems that I just took on myself. You had a legitimate psychological disorder.”

“Felix, ye’ dated an abusive psychopath and pulled your friend from the ground.”

“Yeah, but they were all events. That’s easy trauma. That’s the stuff you see being resolved in, like, a single season on television. What you went through follows you for years. It did follow you for years. Don’t erase your shit in the face of mine. I-I had my problems, yeah, but at least I wasn’t scared to sleep.”

Jack bit his lip before gently bringing his and Felix’s hand down to rest on Felix’s hip. A damning argument. Felix’s expression became almost guilty. “That was my own shit.”

“Exactly,” Jack said. “You and I— we were both fucked up. We just handled it in different ways.”

“You couldn’t control how your brain reacted. Everything I did was just me taking things out on myself. I chose to do what I did, Jack. Even the eating. I wasn’t, like, starving for my self-image, but I was starving myself nonetheless. All of it was under my control. I could have _made_ myself eat. I could have chosen _not_ do hurt myself. But you couldn’t stop your brain from doing that to you. You lost control. That’s infinitely more terrifying to me.”

Jack shook his head, his throat tight. “I’d be more terrified of feeling so out of control I’d have to hurt myself to regain it.”

Felix sighed. “You’re not gonna listen to me, are you?”

“No I won’t, so ye’ might as well save your breath.”

Felix sighed harder and pulled his hand from Jack’s to bring it back to his hair. “You know your worth, right?” he asked softly. “You know that you could easily deserve more than, than any of this. Me, yeah, but also Robin. You deserve someone like—”

“Felix, I never want to hear this argument again.” Felix raised a brow. “I mean it,” Jack insisted. “You and I will fight this to the grave and we’ll never agree. Maybe that’s why we work so well. Maybe the reason why we’re so good is cause we’re doing our best to measure up to a worth the other has that we think we can never achieve. Maybe we work because we’re always trying to be better for the other person and we want to be better because we love each other.”

Felix smiled a bit and scratched gently at Jack’s scalp like he was giving him some sort of reward. “Look at you,” he murmured. “So fucking smart. And people say that I’m intelligent one.”

“Excuse you, literally no one says that.”

“Pappa says that.”

“Pappa fuckin’ hates me still, of course he does.”

“He doesn’t,” Felix said. “I know you think he does, and I know he kinda talked like it, but he doesn't. He changed his mind pretty fucking quick after Ken. And I know he talked to you about leaving me. How can you think he hates you when he advised you to take care of you beyond what I could want? It’s weird to say, but you’re just as much his son as I am. And I say that’s weird because it makes us dating almost like his sons hooking up, and I know we’re in the south, but Georgia is the classy south. That shit belongs in, like, Alabama south.”

“Oh, kinky,” Jack said, waggling his brow. Felix tugged Jack’s hair in retaliation. Jack’s throat caught, and then he laughed breathlessly. “Even fuckin’ better.” The way Felix paused after he said that had Jack fumbling to apologize. “I meant no harm, I just—”

Felix pulled his hair again, slow and careful, pushing Jack’s head back into the pillow. The amount of control that went into the simple action had Jack’s heart in his throat. He let Felix do it, wanting Felix to explore. He wanted Felix to feel like it was safe to try these sorts of things out and not have to worry about anything more coming from it, even as Jack shifted his knees under the sheets to create a preemptive tent to hide what would inevitably rise. The hand in his hair tightened and and pushed him back even more, exposing his throat. “Oh god, Felix.”

The hand quickly disappeared and Jack felt like he could breathe again. He couldn’t believe he’d been so undone so quickly by something as simple as Felix _pulling his fucking hair,_ but it had felt too good for him to really be ashamed. His body was wired to respond to Felix in every fucking way, and he didn’t see anything wrong with that. “That was good, Fe’,” he said, feeling like nothing else was worth saying. “Didn’t mean to freak you out.”

Felix didn’t respond, so Jack craned his neck to look at Felix and saw the other boy has his palm over his mouth, looking away. There was something a little too contemplative in his gaze. Jack worried he’d let Felix push himself too far. “We don’t—”

“You have no idea how much you turn me on, do you?”

Jack’s words faltered. “I… what?”

“You don’t, huh?” Felix pulled his hand away to reveal a grimace. “I guess I haven’t really made it obvious. Maybe only once or twice. You gotta understand, Jack, everything about you is just— it’s like my brain is desired to find everything about you and what you do a-attractive on an almost primal level. God, I feel stupid for saying it.”

“I’m so fuckin’ glad ye’ feel that way, cause I’m literally the same.” Jack grinned wryly. “Like I said before, yeah? We’re the perfect pair.”

“I literally just pulled your hair like a third grader and it turned me on so much that I’m worried I’m gonna pass out. I think you have a lot more self control than I do.”

“Excuse you, I’ve had chats with Mark, Tyler, and Ethan about how fuckin’ sexy ye’ are. My self control is non-existent, insofar that I have enough control to keep myself from jumpin’ yer bones.”

“You could.”

“What?”

“You could. Jump my bones.” Felix gave a little shrug. “If you want.”

“Felix— the list—”

“Fuck the list,” Felix said with more finality than Jack had expected. “Fuck all of it. Think about it, Jack, what was even on that dumb thing? Break a stupid fucking habit, get fat, and then the rest was just about me being a wet blanket and Michael getting fixed. All of that is fucking pointless now. The list is always gonna be there if I let it. I, I can’t promise I’ll never feel like I need to hurt myself again, but I swear to you I’ll come to you first. And Michael doesn’t fucking need me. Whether or not I make something useful out of my life won’t be solved in time for me to lose my chance with you. It was all— it’s so fucking dumb.”

“It was what ye’ needed,” Jack said. “Even if ye’ don’t want it now, you needed it then. It wasn’t stupid to need something like that. Your improvement… your healing. It’s the most important thing to me. And that list was vital to that healing, so I can’t let ye’ call it dumb. It wasn’t dumb.”

“I’ll bet you hate that list more than I do.”

“Maybe some selfish part of me, yeah, but the most of me, the part I like about myself? The part that’s in love with you. The part that I came to be. That part recognizes the list for what it was. A step forward in your healing.”

Felix grimaced again. “ _Healing._ Such a cringy word.”

“God, Felix, what else was it? Why do ye’ have to be so hard on yourself?”

“Why can’t you just get the fact that we’re both, like, teenagers, and using a word like ‘healing’ is just super fucking cringy. I’m not a woman in her forties talking to her recently divorced bestie over a glass of wine with yoga planned for the morning. I’m a gritty teenager with a sour attitude and a heart of gold.”

“You’re a fuckin’ asshole, Felix.”

Felix gave a slow-motion smack to Jack’s cheek. Jack gaped up at him in mock horror, before sitting up quickly and shoving Felix back with a hand over Felix’s entire face. “Fuckin’ asshole!” Felix laughed and pushed Jack back over. Then he gave Jack another slow-motion slap with this stupid grin on his face, a playful glint to his eyes. And then he slow-motion slapped Jack again. Jack couldn’t believe the balls on this fucking prick. “I’m gonna kill ye’.”

“Do it, you Irish pussy.”

“Oh, ye’ think I can’t?”

“I think you’re too much of a little bitch.”

Jack launched himself forward, getting his arm around Felix’s neck and twisting him around so he was pinned to the bed, underneath Jack with an elbow in his stomach. Felix thrashed out, kicking wildly, driving his knee into Jack’s side. Jack yelped and let go and Felix pulled Jack’s hair _again,_ yanking him down to the mattress and shoving his face into the sheets. Jack swung out his arm and connected with Felix’s chest, hitting hard enough to make Felix let out a gasp of air, follow by punched-out laughter. But then Felix had Jack’s arm twisted around his back.

“Stop struggling!” Felix kept laughing, keeping Jack’s arm back, another hand pressed to Jack’s lower spine to keep him as still as he could. “Keep still!”

Jack twisted around, throwing Felix off. His shoulder hurt, but he had broken free. Jack swatted up and tried to push Felix off his waist. Felix stayed where he was, though, letting Jack move onto his back, but nothing more. Felix took Jack by his wrists and pinned them to the bed. “Keep fucking still!”

“Make me!” Jack shouted back. 

Something serene washed over Felix’s face from above. His grip on Jack’s wrists loosened, and Jack quickly tore them from Felix’s grip. “Aha!” he shouted in triumph, throwing his hands in the air like he wanted to rub in Felix’s face that he had won. Instead of continuing the fight, Felix went from being high above Jack to just inches from his face. Their lips pressed together and Jack’s eyes slid shut on instinct. He kissed Felix back slowly, using his newly-freed hands to rest on Felix’s hips, just above where the cuts could still be sore, more aware of Felix’s taste than anything. Felix brushed his tongue along Jack’s lower lip, coaxing Jack into relaxing and letting him in. Jack moaned softly and let his jaw fall slack. Then he used his grip on Felix’s hips to push him over onto the bed. Jack swung himself up onto his knees, straddling Felix’s torso, and let out an cry of success. “I’m on top!”

Below him, Felix wet his lips and asked him, in a low, gravelly tone, “is that what you want?”

Jack fell silent, the thrill of the fight dying away, and some other thrill of nervous energy coming up in its place. He wasn’t sure when it had happened, but Felix had apparently stopped fighting long before Jack had. Now Jack had a choice in front of him that he hadn’t thought he’d be expected to make. He took a second to calm his erratic heart and wondered what Felix would want him to say. With Ken—

“No,” Jack confessed, his voice insurmountably small. “That’s not what I want.”

Felix reached up, a hand lying itself over Jack’s neck, over the slowly-healing wound Ken had left. Then another came up, resting on Jack’s side, over the rib that had been cracked. Jack knew Felix had said he thought the word “healing” was stupid, but it was the only word Jack could think of to describe Felix’s touch. “Then what do you want?” 

“You.”

Felix chuckled, so deep in his chest that Jack could feel it through Felix’s body. “You already have me,” he told Jack. “Gotta be a little more specific. The one thing I’m gonna require from us now it’s open and obvious communication and consent. So I’ll ask again, and I want a solid answer— what do you want?”

Jack bit his lip, inexplicably nervous again. “I-I, uh… I want you.”

“Again, Jack. Specifics.”

Jack took the hand that was on his neck and brought it to his face, pressing into it, letting it calm the nerves as best as it could. “Do ye’ need me to say it? Is this a kink?”

“If you’re asking me whether or not hearing your voice talking about sex turns me on, I think you can figure out the answer for yourself.”

A rush of arousal swam through Jack and he rocked his hips against Felix’s stomach before he could think otherwise. Both of Felix’s hands pulled away to hold tightly to Jack’s hips and keep him still.

“Clear communication,” Felix murmured, his deep voice vibrating through Jack’s body. Jack shuddered and became hyper-aware of how tight his jeans were. He hoped Felix couldn’t actually see anything in this dark room, but he was sure Felix had felt it just a second ago. Jack sunk his teeth into his lower lip and shut his eyes, unable to meet Felix’s intense gaze when he was about to say something so embarrassing. But why was he even embarrassed? It was Felix. Felix was the one person Jack wasn’t afraid of in any way. Felix was the only person Jack could trust with literally every part of himself, beyond just this. 

Jack opened his eyes again, meeting Felix’s deep gaze. Felix’s eyes bore through and into him, making Jack’s heart clench and his stomach flip. Jack rested his hands on Felix’s on his hips and brought those hands around to his stomach. “I-I want ye’ inside me.”

He watched Felix’s eyes darken and knew that saying something so embarrassing had been the right call. Felix wet his lips again and said, “I can do that.” His thumb rubbed slow circles into Jack’s stomach, like he knew how nervous Jack felt. “Get on your back.”

Jack froze. “I-I don’t—”

“Trust me,” Felix said. “I would never hurt you.”

“That ain’t what I’m worried about. I just— do we have stuff?”

Felix frowned. “We’ll worry about that later.”

“What? But what else—” Something shuttered in Felix’s eyes and Jack cut himself off, feeling like he was missing something big and feeling even more stupid for it. “I mean…” Felix’s hands were still rubbing Jack’s stomach soothingly. It was the only thing keep Jack from worrying that he’d made a mistake.

“I’ve got so much to show you,” Felix said. Then, “on your back, Jack.”

Jack swung off of Felix and lied across his back as ordered, sinking into the mattress and worrying his lower lip. He didn’t really know what Felix was planning to do. He’d had sex, of course, but Robin had been— it hadn’t always been about pleasure. Most of the time they’d both fucked to get some sort of distraction of catharsis. Jack was in unfamiliar territory with Felix because he didn’t think he’d ever been with Robin solely for the sake of loving him. And the fact that Felix would be different was made Jack frantic with nerves. 

“I don’t wanna mess this up,” Jack blurted out. “Robin and I—”

“Don’t think about it, Jack,” Felix said, moving to go on his knees between Jack’s legs. He leaned down and kissed Jack sweetly. Fingers slipped underneath Jack’s shirt, warm fingertips playing against his skin. “Just trust me.”

Jack could do that. He nodded and laid back, waiting for some sort of order he could follow. But Felix out out this noise if indignation and swatted at Jack’s knee. “Don’t go starfish. Don’t—” He cut himself off like he was remembering something he didn’t like. “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

“Good god, do I want to,” Jack choked out. “But I don’t wanna push ye’ into something bad.”

“Please, believe me,” Felix insisted. “You cannot do anything worse than what I’ve already been through.” Jack had a feeling Felix meant what he was talking about. They kissed again, languidly, feeling each other out. “I love you, Jack,” Felix said. “More than anything. And because of that, I want to do this for you. Okay?”

Jack didn’t know what he was referring to, but he nodded. “Okay.”

Felix smiled into the kiss, then pulled back to reach down and undo the front of Jack’s pants. It hit Jack that this would be the first time they fumbled through anything beyond kissing. The first time Jack felt like he was allowed to touch and look and someone he had seen as unattainable for years and years. It would be the first time Felix was to look over Jack as well. He didn’t know why, but the only thing he could say was, “Don’t ye’ dare make a dick joke.”

Felix laughed as he tugged down Jack’s tight jeans, almost nonchalant in the way he was undressing him. “Wouldn’t dream of it.” Then he had Jack down to his boxers, settled between Jack’s legs like he belonged there. His hand cupped Jack through his boxes, bringing a low moan from him. Felix watched Jack carefully as he rubbed slowly. “This good?”

“Fuckin’ hell, when wouldn’t it?” Jack asked breathlessly, holding tightly to the sheets to try and keep himself from pushing into Felix’s touch. “Fuck, Felix, are ye’ gonna fuck me or not?”

“There’s this cool thing you can do during sex called foreplay, dude.” Felix grinned despite his chiding and put his lips to Jack’s neck, kissing the skin and nipping gently when it pleased him. Jack moaned again, giving in and planting his feet on the mattress so he could roll his hips up into Felix, wanting more. Felix sunk his teeth into a particularly sensitive part of Jack’s neck, and he threw his head back, wanting to give Felix more room to work. Pleasure was curling low in his gut and Felix’s hand alone was more than doing it for him. “Ever had your dick sucked?”

Jack almost lost it for a second, his hips spasming into the friction. The image of Felix on his knees in front of Jack had suddenly plastered itself across Jack’s eyelids, unforgettable and exhilarating. But there was something else Jack couldn’t afford to forget. “I-if Ken has—”

“Neither Ken nor Robin have a place here with us,” Felix said firmly, his voice reverberating through Jack’s pulse in his neck. “Just as you’re trusting me to not hurt you, trust me when I say I won’t hurt myself.” Felix wrapped his lips around Jack’s pulse and sucked, marking him up. Jack’s toes curled and he thrust his hips up into Felix’s hand helplessly. “So Jack— ever had your dick sucked?”

“N-never,” Jack choked out. “I mean— he didn’t—”

He felt Felix smile against his neck. “It’s Christmas already.” Then Felix pulled back, pushing Jack’s shirt up to expose his stomach and kissing the soft, pale skin as he moved further and further down Jack’s body. Jack didn’t know what to do. He’d never been the one to receive the attention, ever. He felt almost useless. Jack tangled his fingers in Felix’s hair, holding on.

“I’ve dreamed about this,” Felix told him against his flesh. “About having you like this underneath me, wanting me.” Felix placed a kiss to Jack’s navel and the small gesture felt so much like love that Jack’s hands spasmed in Felix’s hair. “I’ve always wanted this, Jack. I’ve always wanted to be the one to make you feel like this.” Then Felix’s lips were at the front of Jack’s boxers, lips pressed to the tent in the fabric. “You’re so fucking gorgeous,” Felix breathed against Jack’s cock. “So much more than I could have ever imagined.”

“Felix, please.” The things Felix was saying were making it difficult to breathe. “I-I need—”

“I’ve always wanted to do this to you,” Felix continued, groping Jack through the cotton, mouthing along the shaft, living to tease. Jack whimpered, more than ready to beg. “Always wanted to have you against me, always wanted to taste you. This is more than a fucking dream come true.” Felix put his lips around the head and moaned softly. “God, I’m gonna make you cum so hard.”

“The fuckin’ mouth on ye’, jesus,” Jack wheezed. 

“Trust me, Jack, you’re gonna love what my mouth can do.”

Jack looked down at Felix with wide eyes as Felix lifted Jack’s hips and moved to tug down his boxers with this confident smirk that had the blood rushing in Jack’s ears. “Felix, wait, are ye’—”

“Do you really want me to stop?”

“No, I just—”

“Because I don’t.”

Jack held his breath, then lifted his hips for Felix. Felix pulled down the cotton and Jack shut his eyes so he wouldn’t see Felix’s expression. There was something about being exposed like this to the person he trusted the most completely. He knew Felix wouldn’t hurt him, but what if that meant he’d just keep back truths to protect him? Why the hell did Jack even care? It was just his dick, it wasn’t like he could get a new one of it wasn’t good enough. Fucking shit, why was he so self-conscious? It wasn’t like Felix had ever even been with a guy other than Ken. Would Felix trade a better dick for an abusive—

Jack gasped, his eyes flying open out of his own volition, drawn down like there were magnets. He didn’t know if Felix thought he was any good or not, but he guessed it didn’t matter with how Felix hadn’t even hesitated to Jack into his mouth. 

The sight was something else, something almost as good as the wet heat enveloping his cock. Felix’s blond hair was twisted all around by Jack’s hands, his lashes dark against his skin, lips red and wrapped around Jack, and his slow drag up and down could only be described as eager. Then Felix did _something_ with his tongue that had Jack losing all train of thought. 

He moaned, long and loud, his head dropping back onto the pillow. He was shaking, his knees drawn up to squeeze Felix’s head. All of his concentration was on not thrusting up into Felix’s mouth, not wanting to push him too far. But god, it felt almost too good to deny. He hadn’t been touched by another person since leaving Ireland and this- this was more than he had ever thought to imagine. He’d never even considered Felix in this position because it had seemed too self-indulgent. Good god, had he been missing out. 

Felix flexed his throat and Jack lost his control, crying out and thrusting up into Felix’s mouth. Impossibly, Felix didn’t fight it. He looked up at Jack through his lashes, sunk lower on Jack’s cock, taking him impossibly deeper. 

“Oh god,” Jack breathed, eyes going wide in disbelief. He wished he’d known what he’d been missing out on for so long. Felix’s mouth was heaven. His fingers trembled in Felix’s hair and his thighs flexed. “I can’t—”

Felix’s hands splayed out across Jack’s inner thighs and pulled open his legs, forcing them wide apart. Jack gasped at the sensation of being so exposed, muscles stretching in a tantalizing manner, Felix’s hands so fucking large and warm against his sensitive skin. Jack whimpered and craned his neck down. “Felix, I-I-”

Felix swallowed around him and Jack cut off with a long moan. Already the pressure was curling low in his gut, warning him. He bit his lip and rolled his hips upward, chasing more of that wet heat. Felix took him down easily, not missing a beat as his throat opened up and took Jack all the way down to the hilt. Jack’s breath left him like a punch, his eyes fluttering into the back of his head. Felix’s hands kept Jack’s legs wide apart, his knees to the mattress, but he didn’t fight the thrust of Jack’s hips. Jack babbled uselessly, little whispers to the ceiling as he fucked Felix’s mouth, only barely able to keep his thrusts controlled and tentative. 

Felix’s hot breath at the base of his cock was melting his thoughts. He managed another glance downwards and nearly came at the sight of Felix with his lips wrapped around Jack and pressed at the bottom, now swollen, gorgeous in the way he was happy to be used. Then Felix looked up at him with those piercing blue eyes, sending a shudder of pleasure through Jack. He stuttered out Felix’s name. Felix bobbed his head, sliding Jack’s cock even deeper down his throat, and Jack threw his head back with a shout. 

He was close, so fucking close, and he knew Felix could feel it in the tendons of his thighs and the frantic, shallow thrust of his hips. He was losing rhythm, his back bowing off the bed, trying to press deeper into Felix, pulling too tightly at his hair. He gasped out Felix’s name again, the only warning he could give.

Then Felix pulled back, away, letting go of Jack’s legs and sitting up. Jack thrust upwards into nothingness, another cry leaving him, this one much more desperate. “Wait, wait, come back,” he pleaded, a hand flying down to his cock to try and bring himself to orgasm. Felix slapped his hand away, flexing his jaw with an impish grin. 

“I’m not done with you,” Felix told him, the huskiness of his used throat sending shivers down Jack’s spine. “Told you my mouth was good.”

“I wanna cum,” Jack whined, looking up at Felix with big, earnest eyes, not at all beyond begging. Felix was the only person he trusted himself to be vulnerable with. “I wanna cum so bad, please, just let me—”

“Baby, it’s okay.” Felix laid a hand across Jack’s bare stomach, pressing in, a reassuring weight. He bent low and placed a kiss to Jack’s cheek, but Jack quickly turned his head to capture Felix’s lips. A sound of confusion came from the other boy, but he kissed back eagerly. “Holy shit,” he breathed into Jack. “Didn’t think you’d be cool with that.”

Jack didn’t know what he meant, he just took Felix’s hand from his stomach and brought it insistently down to his straining cock again. He was still slick with Felix’s saliva, and the throbbing was bordering between painful and sheer pleasure. Felix stubbornly fought Jack’s grip and laughed gently. “Baby, we’re gonna take this slow,” he murmured, and Jack whimpered brokenly at the pet name. He didn’t think he’d ever liked to be called that, but he wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep from cumming untouched if Felix called him “baby” again. “Nice and slow,” Felix soothed, even dragging out the kiss. “Think they got anything we can use here?”

“F-fuck, I don’t know.”

Felix kissed him again, tasting Jack down to his core, and then wrapping his hand around Jack. “Oh fuck, thank ye’,” Jack babbled, thrusting into Felix’s hand that was just this side of too loose. “Thank ye’, thank ye’, I need—” Felix pulled his hand away after only a few maddening strokes and Jack let out a gasp of indignation. He looked up at Felix, knowing the effect his eyes had on him. “Felix, please!”

“God, baby, you have no idea what you’re doing me.” One last kiss, and then Felix was off the bed and too far away. “I’ll be right back, I swear.” He disappeared into the small bathroom that was off to the left of the bed. Jack threw himself back on the mattress with a huff, bringing his knees together, letting the pressure be the only relief he gave himself. Felix had promised he’d take care of him, and Jack wasn’t about to second guess him now. But god, _he needed to cum._

His heart was hammering in his chest, anticipating what they were about to do. It was like his entire life had led up to this one moment with Felix, when they would finally stop fighting the way the world was stringing them together in every way. Jack didn’t believe in soulmates, but he was sure that Felix would be his if soulmates were real. Distantly, he pictured Felix with Jack’s name on his body somewhere. The shock of pleasure that ran through him was almost too much. He reached down to squeezed the base of his cock, needing to get his body back under control, even as he yearned for release. 

“You better not be having fun without me.”

Jack was going to give Felix a snarky remark until he saw him. Felix tossed his shirt to the side, giving Jack a view of every inch of gorgeous, pale skin, held in stark contrast by the tight black pants Felix still wore. The scar below his collar bone was almost white with how flushed Felix’s chest was. Despite the marks, the scars, Jack felt the need to add his own bruises and bites. If he couldn’t have his name on Felix, he’d leave his mark in another way. 

Felix tossed something onto the bed. An unopened bottle of unscented lotion for sensitive skin. Jack snorted as he read over the ingredients of the bottle. “Treating me extra nice, eh, Fe’?”

“Sure as hell won’t do it dry,” Felix replied. “That feels awful. Takes days to feel okay again.” Jack didn’t want to know how Felix knew that. He went back to staring at Felix’s chest, practically drooling. He reached out, beckoning Felix back to the bed, back to him. Felix grinned and returned to Jack’s side, looming above, resting his hand again over Jack’s inner thigh. His thumb pressed into the muscle and rubbed in slow circles. “Are you nervous?”

Jack swallowed, looking up at Felix and worrying his lower lip. “A little. You?”

“Holy shit, yes.”

Jack smiled and reached up to take Felix’s face in his hands. “Like I said. Perfect pair.”

“You’re a little more perfect than me.” Felix reached for the bottle and looked it over like it mattered. “You trust me, right? Even though I’ve never done this before. With a guy.”

“Something tells me experience in knowing what _not_ to do is just as good.”

Felix grimaced and massaged Jack’s thigh before gently moving his hand up, exploring Jack’s body. He was almost embarrassed, wanted to hide his face from Felix. It wasn’t like there was a plethora of light, the only thing allowing visibility being the glow of the snow behind their window. Felix’s fingertips were warm and searching, leaving Jack’s skin tingling wherever they moved. They brushed along Jack’s balls and up the bottom of Jack’s still-throbbing cock. Jack bit down on his lip to keep from making a noise, wanting give Felix time to center himself, calm his nerves, and regain his confidence. 

“Ye’ won’t hurt me,” Jack told him after he felt like he could keep control of his voice. “I trust you.”

Felix nodded and crawled atop Jack. “You’ll tell me if I’m doing something wrong, yeah?”

“Fe’, ye’ really seem to be overestimating my experience in being catcher.”

“This isn’t baseball, it’s anal sex.”

Jack laughed at the bluntness, smacking Felix’s arm. “We had a mood, Felix! An ambiance! And ye’ fuckin’ ruined it! How did ye’ manage to ruin it?”

“To be fair, it probably wouldn’t be _us_ if one of us didn’t crack a stupid joke at least once.”

“Shut up and fuck me.”

Felix’s eyes darkened and he crawled atop Jack, settling between his knees, lifting Jack’s shirt up and over his head. Completely naked beneath Felix, he felt more protected than exposed. Felix let his weight down, pinning Jack to the mattress, pressing their lips together again. Jack was starting to get the idea that Felix really had a thing for kissing, beyond anything else. It was a sweet thought and made Jack’s heart clench. Then he heard something pop and the nerves were back. 

“I’ve got you,” Felix promised before something cool and wet touched between Jack’s thighs. Jack wrapped a hand around the back of Felix’s neck to hang on as Felix rubbed a single, slick digit around Jack’s entrance, teasing and dipping in with patience, never really breaching and making Jack’s breath catch. 

“Stop fuckin’ teasing,” Jack goaded, wanting Felix to hurry up before he lost his resolve. “I ain’t gonna break.”

“Just trust me on this,” Felix said, something pinching the corners of his mouth. “Let me— let me do this right.” But he pushed in a finger anyways, pressing inside carefully like he was scared. Jack squirmed at the foreign sensation, feeling a bit odd for having never experimented even by himself before. Felix, though, knew what he was doing. He moved the single digit in and out with extreme patience, pressing against the inners walls, his eyes on Jack through every second of it. Jack trembled underneath the severity of his gaze and held on tight. Then Felix deemed him ready to slide in a second digit. The burn had Jack’s brow twisting, rocking his hips to adjust. “You okay?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Jack replied, digging his nails into Felix’s neck. “Just never- never done this.”

“I know.” Felix kissed him _again_ and Jack wondered if it was starting to mean something more. A horrible idea came to him, that maybe Ken hadn’t let Felix kiss him during sex, an idea that he quickly shoved down. Then Felix had pushed in a third finger. Jack lifted his hips, not sure if he wanted to push down or pull away. Felix’s hand quickly stilled, and his eyes went wide with worry. “Am I—”

“Felix, I swear t’ god, if ye ask if I’m okay one more time, I’ll turn ye’ over and do this myself.”

Felix shook his head, leaned down to kiss Jack again, but Jack put a hand over his mouth to make sure he’d listen. “You’re not Ken.” Something wavered in Felix’s eyes, something hard and hurt. “I get it, you’re worried. Ken fucked both of us up. But please, Fe’, believe me when I say that I won’t let him ruin this for us. I won’t let him ruin you or me. Now just fuckin’ trust me and stop treating me like I’m glass.” He pulled his hand away, but Felix took his hand and pressed a kiss into Jack’s open palm. 

“I love you,” Felix said. “More than anything.”

“I know,” Jack said, flushing faintly. He felt oddly vulnerable with Felix saying something like that three fingers deep. 

Felix paused. “Can I kiss you now?”

“Never need t’ ask permission.”

Felix bent down, kissed him like he was hurting, and started to move his fingers again, pressing deeper, Jack was about to remind Felix of his impassioned speech just a few seconds ago with Felix arched his fingers up and pressed against something that had Jack’s mouth falling open in a far too loud moan. He sat up, needing to move, to get some sort of leverage to press down on Felix’s fingers and get that spot again. Felix chuckled at Jack’s sudden insistent movements, stubbornly keeping his fingers away from where he’d made Jack see stars. “You really have been missing out, Jack.”

“Holy fuck, please do that again.”

“I will, I will,” Felix promised. “But believe me when I say that it can get better.” He did it again, crooking his fingers and dragging across that bundles of nerves. Jack led out a strangled noise, disbelief at how good it felt contorting his expression. He reached down and grabbed Felix’s wrist to hold him in place, fucking himself down on his fingers, little punched out noises coming from his gaping mouth. Felix indulged him for a few more moments before pulling his wrist out of Jack’s grip and pulling away from that one perfect spot. Felix spread his fingers carefully, testing the limits of Jack’s body and pushing beyond. Jack barely felt the discomfort, body still thrumming with the pleasure vibrating through his skin. 

“Felix, please,” he whimpered. “I’m ready, I’m so fuckin’ ready.” Anything to feel that again. Felix shook his head, though, took even longer, his tongue poking out between his lips in concentration like he knew Jack’s body better than Jack did. Actually, he probably did, in this situation. But Jack was frustrated and impatient and he had waited so long for this, so he reached up again and tugged demandingly at Felix’s hair. “I’m ready. I swear.”

Felix’s eyes searched his face for a lie. When the fingers were pulled out, Jack was left with an empty feeling. Felix reached for the lotion, and as he gathered a healthy amount in his palm, Jack realized he hadn’t even touched Felix’s dick yet. 

“Holy shit, I suck,” Jack blurted out before snatching the bottle away, pouring a dollop in his hand, and then reaching down to tuck his hand into Felix’s pants, wrapping around his cock without warning. Felix’s eyes blew wide open, mouth forming the shape of an O. He looked down at Jack’s arm and followed it back up to his face like he couldn’t believe that Jack was actually touching him. A soft groan of pleasure slipped out. Felix shut his eyes, letting Jack stroke him without interference, like he was afraid of scaring him away. Jack thought that was stupid. 

He leaned in and pressed his lips to Felix’s neck, sinking his teeth in gently, intending to leave marks like he’d wanted to before. Felix gasped, clinging to Jack, trembling with the effort to not move. “Relax,” Jack breathed, running his tongue soothingly along the bite he just left behind. “Trust me, I trust you. Perfect pair, Felix.”

Felix choked on a moan and thrust once into the grip of Jack’s hand. He was above average, Jack could feel as much. Not anything like a pornstar, but large enough in Jack’s grip to make him take extra care in covering every inch of Felix’s cock with the slick lotion. “You feel so good,” Jack murmured, loving the weight of Felix in his palm. “I wish I could see ye’.”

 _“Seán,”_ Felix gasped, trembling even further. The name curled low in Jack’s gut and he groaned, feeling a twin sort of pleasure in it. He pressed his nose into Felix’s skin, breathing him the scent of sex off the other boy. Hearing his name when touching Felix like this for the first time was— it was intoxicating. He wanted more.

“Again,” Jack said, tightening his grip and twisting. Felix’s cock jumped in his grip and his nails sunk into Jack’s back. “Say it again.”

“Seán, god,” Felix whimpered. 

“Just Seán’s fine.”

There was a strangled laugh that hitched off into a sob, the good kind that had Jack grinning with triumph. He worked his hand faster, feeling Felix writhe deliciously in his arms. “You’re so fucking perfect,” he growled, pulling Felix against him with his free arm, exhilarated by the control he had and how he could use it to pull Felix apart in the most amazing ways. Jack knew all the best ways to send Felix careening over the edge and he intended to show every single one to the boy in his arms one day. But for now, he wanted Felix to take him like no one else ever had. 

Jack pulled his hand out and lied back, grinning as he watched Felix force himself back under control, the stinging crescents in Jack’s back a testament to how close Jack had come to undoing him. “Not so fun, is it?”

“God, Jack, you’re a fucking devil.”

Back to Jack again. He felt a little sad for it. Jack nodded at Felix’s pants. “Gonna get naked with me?”

“I, uh.” Jack frowned when Felix faltered. “I know it isn’t fair, but.” Jack didn’t get it until one of Felix’s hands unconsciously went to his hip, the scars that Jack couldn’t see thanks to the black fabric. Understanding washed through Jack with a wave of sorrow. He nodded and leaned back against the headboard, opening his arms for Felix. 

“I want ye’,” Jack said, needing Felix to know that. “Please?”

Felix nodded, pushing past his thoughts easily and settling back between Jack’s legs. “One day,” Felix promised. “One day, I’ll be totally okay and I won’t even care, but I don’t- I don’t want to mess this up. But one day. I promise.”

Jack wanted to assure Felix that he didn’t care, that he didn’t think any less of Felix for it, but he knew that wouldn’t be welcome. He just took Felix’s face in his hands and kissed him. And the more he kissed Felix like this, the more he suspected that it was a very foreign thing for the other boy. He was so excited to be able to give Felix something new. He heard the sound of a zipper being undone and shivered, filled with anticipation. He felt Felix adjust, let Felix move his legs and settle Jack back against the mattress, still kissing him. Something hard and larger than fingers. Jack kissed him harder, widening his legs even more, letting Felix know he wanted this too. “I love you.”

Felix stopped breathing. He pushed in. Jack screwed his eyes shut and forced his body to relax. It wasn’t bad, just weird, inherently weird. He opened his eyes and chanced a glance up, hoping Felix wasn’t taking his reaction as anything bad. Felix had his eyes shut, like Jack had a second ago. He swallowed hard and was barely able to get out, “You okay?”

When Felix shook his head, Jack tried to gingerly sit up, hyper-aware of Felix inside of him, but Felix frantically shook his head and pushed Jack back down. “Don’t move, don’t move,” Felix whimpered. “Fuck, baby, please stay still. I can’t, I, I need you to stay still.”

Jack’s eyes went wide when he suddenly got it. He grinned and moved his hips again. The movement itself pushed against something inside him that had his focus fluttering, but the effect on Felix was even more. Felix’s eyes flew open and he looked at Jack with a stunned expression, hands reaching out to hold Jack’s hips still. Jack could feel him twitch inside and laughed, triumphant. “God, Felix, you’re so fucking gorgeous.” 

He was. Blissed out, hazy eyed, struggling to maintain himself. He was inside Jack, yet somehow he wasn’t the one in control. Jack felt powerful, but not in a way that he felt like he could take advantage of. He just felt trusted and like he had earned it. It felt weird that sex between him and Felix was more than just sex, but at the same time, he knew it needed to be. Sometimes, words weren’t enough. What they did was what mattered.

“I’ve got ye’,” Jack told him, holding Felix’s face steady. “God, Felix, ye’ feel so good.” He moved his hips again, experimental, and his lashes fluttered with the sensation he discovered. “Fuck, fuck, you’re so fuckin’ good. Do I— do I feel good too?”

“I need you to shut up before I cum,” Felix said. Jack laughed breathlessly, placing his hands on Felix’s chest and looking up at him, taking in the tense concentration in his expression and knowing Felix meant it. Jack bit his lip to keep from smiling too wide. “Jesus, Jack, I’m…” Felix cleared his throat and leaned up, pushing Jack back down onto the mattress. Jack went with his push, smiling only a little. Felix took in a deep breath, ducked his head, then rocked forward. 

Jack couldn’t breathe. Felix was hitting places Jack had never even known existed, whiting out Jack’s thoughts. Felix held to Jack’s hips, pressing bruises into the skin, holding on tight as he started to gain a rhythm. Jack suddenly wasn’t in control anymore, but god, did this feel unlike anything he’d imagined. Then Felix lifted his hips and hit that same spot again and Jack cried out. “Jesus fuck,” he wheezed, reaching up and holding onto Felix again. “You’re gonna—”

Felix kissed him. 

Jack finally got it. Why Felix kept trying to kiss him, trying to connect them. He didn’t get to do this with Ken, whether by choice or not, he hadn’t done this with girls, he knew Jack hadn’t been like this with Robin. He was reaffirming, with their bodies and breath, that it was them. Jack and Felix. _Seán_ and Felix. And they’d spent every year of their life, since they were seven years old. And now everything was coming together and it was different. It had to be different in the best way it could be. 

Jack brought his arms around Felix’s neck and put their foreheads together. Felix bent his elbows and came low, pressing their bare chests together. Jack could feel his heartbeat. Felix was all around him, pinning him, filling him, encompassing the air he breathed. Felix drove into him, each thrust harder and deeper than the last, but still so fucking slow, like he was taking his time, like he thought this was the only chance he would have. Later, Jack would press a promise into Felix’s skin, swearing that they had all the time in the world, but right now, Jack just wanted to feel Felix. He wrapped his legs around Felix’s waist, used his own strength to pull Felix in, and looked up into Felix’s eyes. Felix slid into Jack again, dragging his cock along that spot. 

Warmth well in his stomach, a slow build, unlike anything Jack had done for himself. He gasped Felix’s name, his eyes falling shut, but tore them open again when Felix suddenly lost himself and slammed inside Jack without warning, so hard that the headboard rocked against the wall. Felix’s eyes went wide, almost like he feared what he’d done. Jack’s toes were curling. “Again.”

Felix did. Held to Jack, slammed inside, lost the clarity in his eyes as Jack moaned and said, “Again.” Felix, ever happy to please, did as told, fucking Jack harder and harder. The bed creaked and the sheets twisted around their bodies. The warmth was a heat now, every muscle in Jack’s body tensing and drawing up. “Felix,” he gasped, trembling now, staring up into Felix’s eyes, unable to look away even as his orgasm approached. “Felix, F-Fe’, I’m gonna—”

Jack arched off the bed, hair splaying out across the pillow as he came across his stomach. Felix hadn’t even touched him. His mind became static, his moan of Felix’s name becoming a jumble of useless syllables as he scrambled for purchase, something to hold onto as he fell out of his own head. When it finally stopped, when his body was finally spent, the pleasure continued to run through him, running up and down his spine with a vengeance. Jack gasped for breath when he finally came back to Felix fucking him desperately, chasing his own release. It was almost too much, the oversensitivity driving Jack’s nerve endings insane. But Felix was close. He could feel it.

He took Felix by the jaw and brushed their lips. “I’ve got ye’,” he breathed, his own voice ruined. “I love you.” He kissed Felix and felt him cum, felt the way Felix’s body seized up tight, then released with shudders wracking his frame. 

“Seán,” Felix sobbed into his mouth, arms going weak as he came and dropping himself on top of Jack. He wrapped his arms around Felix’s shoulders and held on tight, lips to Felix’s temple, holding him tightly through the brunt of it. He could feel the warmth of Felix’s release inside of him and clenched down around Felix’s cock, drawing a startled, broken moan from the other. “Stop, stop,” Felix begged, the words cracking at the edges. “I can’t—”

“Hush, it’s okay,” Jack promised, kissing Felix’s skin and tasting him. “God, Felix, ye’ were so good. So fuckin’ go t’ me.” He ran his hand up and down Felix’s back, calming him, knowing that, for how much of a big deal this was for Jack, it was even bigger for Felix. Jack had run away and lived in denial. Felix had yearned for something he could never have again for two years. Jack couldn’t forget what he was giving Felix in this. It was a lot more than just his body. “You’re okay, you’re okay,” he swore, reaching down to tangle their fingers together, their pinkies twisting. “You’re okay.”

Felix let out another dry sob, sliding off to the side and pulling out. Jack instantly missed him, but he accommodated the change, turning onto his own side to face Felix, stubbornly keeping the other boy in his arms. Felix hid his face in Jack’s neck and didn’t try to pull away. For a moment, Jack was worried they’d made some sort of mistake, until Felix said, “I’ve been dreaming about that for years,” into Jack’s skin. “I’m so happy I didn’t actually fucking cry.”

Jack giggled and pressed his nose into Felix’s hair. Maybe it was a little weird that he thought Felix smelled fucking amazing after sex, but he was sure Felix was thinking the same thing about him. Felix was just a weird little except for Jack in every way. “I might cry,” he said. “No shame if ye’ do.”

 _“Fuck off,”_ Felix sighed. “I, I totally… I totally meant to tell you something. I mean, huge tangent, Seán, huge fucking tangent, but it’s kinda the entire reason I even came up to you.”

“Ye’ mean ye’ didn’t come up here t’ fuck me?”

“I genuinely did not think I would get this kind of lucky.” Jack cradled Felix’s head a little more to his chest, loving the feeling of the other in his arms, so fragile and trusting and safe. He carded his fingers through Felix’s hair, reveling in the softness of the strands. “I came up here to tell you that the Moodys are leaving us this place.”

Jack’s hand stilled. “What?”

“They, they’re going to live with their daughter.”

“I didn’t know they had a daughter.” 

“Me neither, but apparently she isn’t that great, only in the sense that she hates Georgia and left for Texas. But anyways, they’re going to live with her. They both agree that they need to make the trip to get to someone who can take care of them. They’re old and shit, I guess, it’s their choice, I argued a little but they just smiled and said I was a good kid—”

“You are a good kid.”

“—And that’s totally not the fucking point, Jack, the point is that they’re leaving us the house. This house.” There was wetness to Jack’s neck, another fucking kiss. Jack hoped Felix would never, ever stop showing this obsession with kissing. He was so sad to think of how much Felix had denied himself this simple gesture that he took so much joy in. “This is our house. I’m eighteen, I can legally have my name on the title, and they own it, so we don’t have to pay anything except fucking taxes and utilities and shit. They’re just, they’re giving it to us.”

Jack almost didn’t believe it.

“It’s not like there’s anyone else,” Felix continued, his voice lowering into a gentle whisper. “Their daughter hates the south. That’s how they explained it to me. We’re the closest thing they have to family here, and since this house was building by their own parents and kept in the family, they want it to stay that way.”

“I feel like we don’t deserve it.”

“You’re telling me.” Felix yawned. “I fucking… You were in Ireland, you had a reason not to come see them. I was just an asshole.”

Jack slapped his bare shoulder in admonishment. “Shut up.”

“I was, I totally kinda was. But, the point is, I-I’m gonna take it. They offered, they’ve only offered, but I’m gonna take their offer. You and I both know that running is useless and I genuinely do love this place. I love the woods. I love the quarry. I love the sun and the snow and the fireflies and the air itself, if that makes sense. I love this place. I just don’t like the people. But out here, those people won’t find us. I can’t run, but I can hide. At least until I’m ready.”

Felix held onto Jack a little tighter. “I was hoping you’d stay here with me.”

Jack pulled Felix back by his hair to look him in the eyes. “Ye’d have to kill me to keep me away from ye’. But can I at least graduate first?”

Felix smiled blindingly bright in relief. “Of course, dude, I gotta graduate too. And we can figure it out from there, but… A-at least we’ll have a home, right? Somewhere familiar. Somewhere safe. Away from all the noise and painful memories. Out here, we’ll be isolated. We’ll get… We’ll get better.”

Jack nodded and stroked Felix’s cheek with his thumb. “Course we will, Felix. Ain’t nothing that can keep us down if we’re together, yeah? And out here, we don’t really have t’ leave anyone behind. We just hide away and give the address to only the people we can trust. Mark and the others.” Mark was actually right downstairs. Jack suddenly wondered if they’d been a little too loud.

Felix smiled a little more softly, his eyelids drooping. Jack pulled Felix back into his chest and hooked a leg over his waist. He knew they should probably clean up, and Robin had always been adamant on a shower after Jack had cum inside, but Felix hardly seemed bothered, and Jack definitely wasn’t. An almost perverted side of him wished Felix could stay inside forever. He felt like he was owned by Felix and he loved it. He was also very tired.

“Rest, Fe’,” he murmured, his own words slurred as the exhaustion began to settle in. He could easily say that was the best round of sex he’d ever had, but considering it was their first, he was sure they’d be able to improve on their method and turn it into something earth shattering. He was looking forward to it. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” Felix mumbled, dropping into sleep the quickest Jack had ever seen. Even Jack wasn’t scared of falling asleep. He curled up against Felix, shut his eyes, and let himself fall into sleep without a worry as to what his mind had in store. Felix was in his eyes and they were together, officially, and in every way possible. Past, present, future. Physically and emotionally. Jack wasn’t scared as long as he had Felix in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you've read this whole thing, i just wanna say thanks for sticking with it :) 'm glad to finally finish it, but even more glad to know people enjoyed it.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Well I looked my demons in the eye_   
>  _Laid bare my chest_   
>  _Said do your best to destroy me_   
>  _See I've been to hell and back_   
>  _So many times_   
>  _I must admit you kinda bore me_
> 
>  
> 
> _There's a lotta things that can kill a man_  
>  _There's a lotta ways to die_  
>  _Yes and some already dead that walk beside me_  
>  _There's a lot of things I don't understand_  
>  _Why so many people lie_  
>  _Well it's the hurt I hide that fuels the fire inside me_
> 
> _Will I always feel this way?_  
>  _So empty so estranged_
> 
> epilogue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's a wrap!
> 
> thank you so much for muddling through this with me :) i hope the ending is satisfactory
> 
> just a warning to a lovely friend, stop reading at the sentence _The house was so quiet that Felix felt like he couldn’t risk breaking the silence no matter what._ and pick back up at _“I’m sorry,” Felix whispered. “I didn’t wake you in time.”_ to avoid the sexicles

The home was naturally quiet in the rain, the pitter-patter of the water falling on the roof disguising the familiar creaks and groans of the old farmhouse. The rain itself was a welcome reprieve, cutting through the humidity of the day before, but due to taper out around noon and worsen the mugginess later in the day. For now the rain fell as it always did, early in the morning, before the sun was really even able to make an impact. 

It was still a dim sort of dark outside, and even darker inside. None of the lights were on in the farmhouse, and they hadn’t been for hours. The rain cast shadows through the window panes, but only barely, trails of shadows against even more severe darkness. They reflected off the walls and furniture like tiny rivers, making the interior feel a little like a fantasy.

And it was quiet. Otherworldly quiet. Quiet like a blanket, serene and sacred. Even Edgar, the black pug, was sound asleep in his bed downstairs. The house was so quiet that Felix felt like he couldn’t risk breaking the silence no matter what. He kept a hand over his mouth, swallowing down every sound Jack drew from him with agonizing effort, wishing he could just throw his head back and let himself go, but that wouldn’t help anyone. It wouldn’t help Jack. 

In all honesty, Felix didn’t know what helped Jack in these moments, so he only did as requested. And if that request was to have Felix lie back and keep quiet and let Jack do what he needed to quell the shakes and swallow down the fear, then Felix would happily do so.

But _god_ , was it hard to keep quiet.

Felix sunk his teeth into his knuckles, finding no relief in the pain. Jack was like a force of nature inside of him. He had Felix pinned up against the headboard of the bed, Felix’s back to the large window behind them. The rain casted shadows along their bare skin, shadows across Jack’s face, even as Jack did everything he could to hide his expression from Felix. Felix’s legs were around Jack’s waist, doing everything he could to keep Jack close and not let him pull away like Jack so desperately wanted to do even as he joined himself with Felix in the most intimate way imaginable. 

The torturously slow drag of Jack sliding in and out of Felix’s body was fraying his mind at the edges and making it hard to think. A particularly aimed thrust inside had Felix breaking the skin of his knuckles and clawing down Jack’s back with his other hand, the one that was wrapped around Jack, holding him tightly. Jack’s own arms were braced on the headboard, looming above Felix like he was trying to envelop Felix with his body, shield him, protect Felix from whatever had made Jack wake violently with a ragged scream caught in the back of his throat. Felix had tried to wake him up before the nightmare could get the bad but—

Another thrust had Felix caught off guard, a moan hitching in his throat, breaking the silence. He tensed as Jack flinched at the sound. Felix relaxed his hand on Jack’s back and rubbed soothing circles into his skin instead of crescent moons from his nails. Jack let out a shuddered sigh as he relaxed again— or as well as he could after whatever he’d seen— and pushed back inside Felix, moving with such deliberate carefulness that lit Felix’s body up with pleasure again. Felix’s eyes fluttered into the back of his head for a moment as he let out the quietest whisper of _Seán_ into the silence of the room. 

It had been too much. Jack suddenly took a fistful of Felix’s hair and tugged his head back, hiding his face in Felix’s neck, sinking his teeth into the already-kiss-bruised flesh, not to punish but to warn. Felix whimpered nonetheless and arched his back, meeting Jack’s next thrust and trembling at how perfectly they fit together, how perfect Jack was, how perfectly they were made for each other. His thighs shook around Jack’s body as heat coiled low in his belly. He was close. He didn’t have to warn Jack. Jack knew his body well enough to have memorized every single sign. 

Jack let out the best of groans, vibrating Felix’s body where his lips were against Felix’s skin. Jack rolled his hips with excruciating care, dragging along the spot over and over that had Felix forgetting how to breathe. It was only a matter of moments before Felix spilled between their bodies, swallowing down a strangled moan as he trembled with the aftershocks. The hand that was once pulling his hair now stroked soothingly. Felix sunk his teeth into his own skin again, breaking through the fog of his orgasm. He then wrapped both arms around Jack and rocked his hips down, coaxing Jack into moving again. Jack let out a helpless whine that cracked at the edges, revealing all too well the turmoil that still existed in his thoughts. As Jack started to press inside Felix again, Felix put his lips to Jack’s ear and broke the sacred silence.

“I’ve got you, Seán,” he whispered, feeling Jack shudder at the sound of his voice. “It was only a dream. You’re safe, Seán, you’re with me.”

There was another whine, broken and heart-wrenching. Felix’s chest ached at the sound. Jack’s movements became inconsistent, but Felix wasn’t sure if it was out of pleasure or desperation. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he repeated, feeling a little desperate himself. He could feel wetness against the heated flesh of his neck. He hated to think of what was making Jack so afraid. “I’m okay,” he whispered. “I’m safe.” He turned his head and pressed a kiss to Jack’s temple, holding on tight as Jack fucked him with helpless, erratic thrusts. “I’m safe.”

Jack came inside Felix with a ragged cry, shaking like a leaf and choking on broken noises through it. Felix held on tight, nearly crushing Jack with his fierce embrace. Jack came down slowly, his body clinging to the physical pleasure to avoid whatever was tormenting him. He went lax in Felix’s arms, worn out and empty. Felix lifted Jack’s head and finally got a look at his face. 

The other man was ruined. Felix could see that. It showed in the bags under his eyes and the deepness of his pupils. His face was paler than usual and the sweat clinging to his skin was just from the exertion. The nightmare had absolutely ruined him. 

“I’m sorry,” Felix whispered. “I didn’t wake you in time.”

Jack shook his head, pressing into Felix’s hands for comfort. “Ye’ woke me in time. Thank you.”

“What was it?”

Jack shook his head again. “I can’t—” His voice broke again, so Felix leaned in to kiss him to keep him from saying further. They didn’t often talk about Jack’s nightmares because they sometimes made it so Jack couldn’t talk at all. They closed up his throat and stole the air from his lungs. They strangled all thought like a TV overcome by static. Felix had seen the effect of these nightmares one too many times. He would happily avoid the topic if Jack wanted. 

“D’ye’ have classes t’day?” Jack asked, his jagged voice a low murmur. He was still trying to respect the silence as the rain continued to fall. 

“No,” Felix replied gently, carding his fingers through Jack’s hair, relieved that his schedule glasses for his slowly-mounting nursing degree allowed him such leniency in trade for taking care of Jack. “And you don’t work, right?”

Jack shook his head. “Saturday.”

Felix nodded, humming softly. He pressed another kiss to Jack’s lips. “We’re seeing Michael tonight,” he reminded Jack gently, deciphering Jack’s request for a distraction in how he’d brought up their plans for the day. “Mark and Amy are coming by to help us paint the attic. And then we’re gonna Skype your parents, tell them how your work is, how my schooling is. We’ll take a nice, long shower, get all dolled up, and then we’re gonna do our best to entertain Em and Brad and Michael and pretend we’re adults. Sound good?”

Jack started to shake his head, but then he nodded. He knew Felix wouldn’t give him more than he could handle, and Felix’s heart swelled at the trust. “Mark will know something’s wrong the second he sees you and give you a big ol’ hug,” Felix assured him. “Amy will help me figure out how to perfect cookies in that oven, and then everything will feel a little more real. I promise.”

He felt Jack shudder again before Jack sat back. The backwards movement had Jack slipping out from inside Felix. He hated the emptiness, but unwrapped his arms from around the other man, letting him retreat and take the space he needed. Jack dropped back onto the bed, crossing his legs and putting his elbows on his knees, resting his head in his hands. Felix watched him, searching carefully for any sign or cue of what he could do. 

Eventually, Jack let out a full body sigh that moved the bed. Then he reached out and rested a hand on Felix’s scarred hip, his thumb tracing across one of the many white lines. Felix instantly understood what Jack had dreamed and felt a lingering sense of self-disgust. He lied his hand over Jack’s, just letting his palm rest there, a comforting weight. “If I could turn back time and take these away, I would,” he murmured.

“If you could turn back time, ye’ wouldn’t even have felt the need for that in the first place.”

Felix frowned. “You think I’d keep you from leaving?”

“Wouldn’t you?” Jack looked up at him and Felix’s breath caught at those sorrowful blue eyes that reflected the rain behind with aching depth. “Because I would. If I could turn back time, I’d grab that little fucker by the shoulders and scream in his face for him t’ stay.” Jack involuntarily dug his fingers into the sensitive flesh of Felix’s side. When Felix flinched a little at the sharp sting, Jack tried to tear his hand back, but Felix held him tight.

“It’s okay,” Felix told him. “I told you I didn’t want to be afraid of you seeing this and knowing, no matter how much it messed me up.” He smiled a little. “What’s the good in being in love if it doesn’t hurt a little?”

“Nothing good should hurt,” Jack told him.

Felix shrugged and tangled their fingers together. “Pretty sure it doesn’t matter anymore. You don’t hurt. I can promise you that. Just seeing what I did makes me a little… well, it bleeds. Festers. Feels like shame is just permanently sitting in the bottom of my stomach.” He ran his thumb over the top of Jack’s palm. “But being with you makes me forget the ache is even there. And I’m pretty sure that’s how it’s supposed to be when you love someone.”

Jack frowned. “I don’t get ye’, Felix.”

“Well, it’s like what I did is this empty box in a room, right? Just sitting there, a total fucking eyesore, an empty box in an empty room. Loving you is like adding all of these other boxes that are full of shit. Photos, books, memorabilia. Trophies and gifts and things that make me smile. More and more boxes until the room is full. That one empty box is still there, yeah, but it’s a lot less noticeable.” Felix smiled a little wider. “Thanks for making my empty less noticeable, Jack. It used to be embarrassing whenever I had guests over.”

Jack snorted something that sounded almost like a laugh. “Still don’t get ye’,” he said with audible fondness. His hand on Felix’s hip pulled back again, but he took Felix’s hand along with him. “Ye’ fucked yer knuckles, Felix,” he admonished, looking over the torn skin with a shake of his head. “We’ve anesthetic in the bathroom.”

“Sure you’re ready to get out of bed?” Felix asked gently. “There’s nothing wrong with staying in. The alarm hasn’t gone off yet. We’ve still got another hour before the sun’s actually up.” He used Jack’s grip on his hand to draw him back towards him. He kissed Jack again, drawing out the content, tasting Jack and relishing the absence of the tremble. The nightmare was finally losing its grip. “What’s another hour, Seán?”

Jack smiled against his lips. “Can’t ever say no to ye’, Fe’.” He took Felix by the waist and dropped down onto the bed on his side, pulling Felix down with him. “When was the last time we made a sheet fort?” he asked as Felix moved his hands up to tangle his fingers in Jack’s hair as they continued to kiss as they lay side by side. “Long overdue, don’t ye’ think?”

“Excuse you, but I’m a god damn princess, so it’ll be a sheet castle.”

Jack laughed, loud and joyful, clear like a bell. He threw the bedsheet over Felix’s head and twisted, pushing Felix underneath him and straddling him from above. “Dream bigger,” he told Felix. “The sky can’t even hold me down when I’m with you.”

Something fluttered in Felix’s chest as he locked his arms around Jack’s neck. “Think you could get me the moon?”

“I’ll do ye’ one better— I’ll rewrite the stars themselves into what we saw when we were kids.”

The flutters became spasms. “Holy fuck,” Felix said. “I somehow just fell more in love with you.”

Jack laughed again. “Weird, huh? Glad t’ know it does’t just happen to me.” Jack leaned down and kissed him again. They remained like that for a long time, pressed together, eyes shut, existing and breathing and finally, finally letting the pains of the night unknot within their chests. When Jack pulled back, Felix felt like he could sleep forever with how peaceful his thoughts and limbs felt. Their eyes met and they both grinned, inexplicably happy. The moment lingered and Jack rested his forehead against Felix’s, soaking in the other man’s simple existence. 

Then, “sheet castle. With a draw bridge and everything.”

Felix giggled and smacked Jack’s arm. “It better be impressive. I don’t want Mark to make fun of my shitty sheet castle if you go all half-assed on it.”

“Don’t make me start shoutin’ curse at ye’, Fe’, I gotta keep my voice.”

“Of course, Mister-esteemed-voice-actor.”

“Fuck off, ye’ cheeky cunt.”

Jack sat up quickly and rolled out of bed, going only as far as the linen closet to grab more sheets and pillows, all of which he tossed onto the bed. “Gonna make the best damn sheet castle you and Mark have ever seen,” Jack was saying to himself. “Gonna make it taller than the ceiling. With blackjack! And hookers!” There was the sound of sharp nails on the stairs, signaling Edgar was awake and expecting food. Felix knew they would have to get up soon, regardless. “There ye’ are, Edgar!” Jack exclaimed, pulling himself away for his task momentarily to let the dog in. Edgar bounded into the room and leaped onto the bed, panting loudly, settling in Felix’s lap like it was where he belonged. 

Felix sat back, pet Edgar, and watched Jack with contentment. Even as the rain continued to fall outside, the silence inside the house had been traded for a gentle levity. Felix couldn’t even see an inkling of the nightmare left in Jack’s bones. All the lingered was the depth of those blue eyes, something that would soon be soothed away by the memories they would make today. 

Regardless of how they woke up, Felix knew they would always end their day together, and always better off than how they started.

**Author's Note:**

> work title from "When I'm Small" by Phantogram


End file.
